Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

Late Night Musings with Adam

So just when I thought time was about to run out on Adam, he texted me in the middle of the night. And it just happened, I was awake. So we're chatting for a bit, and he suggests I come over. I'm like, "It's almost 4 in the morning..." and then this conversation happened. Sorry it's so long, but shit got a bit heavier than I anticipated and I want your thoughts.

So he must have passed out at this point, because our correspondence was getting more and more delayed, and since he told me he was probably gonna sleep another full day, I'm not surprised that I still haven't heard from him. I expect I will late tonight again. So since it HAS basically been 3 weeks since I've seen him, I feel like at this point, I would be totally fine with just not seeing him again. I mean not totally fine, but...it's not like I'd be smarting from rejection. I'm just not sure if that's really what this is? He said he'd be willing to try, I'm just not sure if he wants to. I dunno. The fact that we haven't seen each other in so long probably makes it easier for him to part ways as well. So part of me wants to give him another chance to be crazy about me, and part of me wants to just quit while we're ahead if this is going to be a waste of time. He seems like a great guy, and I like him, and I'd like to continue seeing him if this possibly has a future, but if he's not into it then....? Maybe it's just not meant to be. So what do you guys think?
P.S. "Murder Porn" means binge watching crime dramas lol.

Keeping Busy

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. Well, actually, I've been quite busy. Carrie was here the weekend before last, and she and Lauren and I went out like every night, then Taylor (Sophie's ex-husband, Brent's brother) and his newish girlfriend Cassie came into town this past weekend, so I hung out with them on Friday. Saturday, Lauren and I went to a fancy society party that I scored an invite to through work. We were like the youngest people there and didn't know anyone, but we got to dress up, eat free food and drink free booze though, so that was cool. And afterwards, we changed clothes in her truck like college kids and hit a couple bars. Lol. It was a good time.
Next month I have 3 people I wanna see all coming in town at the same time. So that's gonna be pretty crazy... Sophie is coming for a PhD interview, a friend I met in Chicago, who now lives in NYC, named Grant, who I don't think I've ever mentioned, but he's super cool, and my old friend Shane, who I met through Izzie that lives in Austin. I haven't seen her in forever. Both Grant and Shane are gonna be here for work though, so I'm sure I'll get to see everybody. I'm really excited abou Sophie coming. It seems like I've been seeing so much of her recently! And before I know it, she'll be living back in the states. She applies for programs at Michigan University, NYU and Tulane. NYU is her first choice, but obviously I want her to go to Tulane. It would work out perfectly, because my current roommates lease is up at the end of August, and then she's moving in with her boyfriend, so Sophie can move in with me! Living with Jenn has been great, but what's better than living with your sister?? So I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Did I mention I am fostering a miniature poodle and her six puppies? Jesus, they keep me busy. They're super cute though. Carrie adopted one of them when she was here the other week, but they won't be ready to take home for a couple more weeks.
So Lane and I are talking again. I finally texted him, and things are back to...well not normal, because what even is that with us? But things are on a purely platonic level now. We don't FaceTime anymore of course, and we only text like one or 2 messages at a time, no more conversations that last for days. Just if something comes up that makes me think of him, and vice versa. But I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much over it. It's still a little bit disappointing how everything turned out but you know what they say, out of sight out of mind.
In other news, since I moved here I've had a weekly assignment where I drive all over the city taking photos of houses for the real estate section of the paper. It's really tedious and takes forever and I have to drive really far, but it basically served as like a base pay that I could count on since, being a freelancer, sometimes pay periods can get thin.
Well that was taken away from me and given to some part time guy, who was apparently promised a certain number of hours and wasn't getting them. My boss fought hard for me about it, but apparently there was nothing he could do, because that person isn't someone he manages. ((Sigh)) He was really upset about it when he called to tell me, and he said it's nothing I did wrong, and that in fact, I've done the best job of anyone on them, and that I've been improving the last year in all my work, and he feels shitty about it because instead of being rewarded for my hard work, they're taking money away from me. Ugh. At first, I wasn't really that upset. I mean yea it sucks that I won't be getting that money anymore, but I hate doing the houses. It was boring and I was putting tons of miles on my car doing it. But now I basically have to get a second job to make up that income, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I love the flexibility of my job! I love that I can have like an entire day to lay around and then go to work from 7-10 pm and be done for the day sometimes! And I definitely do not want to work somewhere 9-5 or anything like that, because it would limit the number of photo assignments I could take. I spent a good hour last night trolling Craigslist, but mostly it's all restaurant type jobs and I just CANNOT go back to bartending. The week of Mardi Gras, as a favor to one of Bethany's friends, I bartended a private party. It was 2 hours of set up/clean up and like 4 hours of party, and I was EXHAUSTED by the end. My feet and back were killing me. I have no idea how I used to work 10 hour bar shifts when I was living in Chicago. I just can't do that anymore. Plus, I was easily irritated by people the whole time, and I just...can't do it anymore. Sure a private party now and then, fine. But every week? NO WAY.
I did book a wedding for this June, and mermaid season is coming up, so hopefully that will be a nice supplemental income, but it's not dependable enough. What to do, what to do...
Maybe that guy will hate doing the house pictures and not want them anymore.
On a lighter note, I lost 12 pounds, and I'm feeling sexier than ever!
G's this post has been all over the place. Well I'm gonna go get caught up on House of Cards before the new season in a couple weeks. There's a really bad storm coming in and most of the schools and govt buildings here are closed, so I doubt I'll be going anywhere. TaTa!

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

Three's Company

Well, my roommate basically avoided me for a couple days, but things appear to be back to normal now. I haven't said anything to her. Initially, just because I didn't have the opportunity, and now I feel like it's passed the point of relevancy, where if I do say something, she'll think I've just been sitting on it, ya know? But this weekend, she is going away to some ranch with her boyfriend! ((Sigh)) I see all sides of this, and I equally agree and disagree with all your comments. I've gotten lots of advice from different people, and no one has said the same thing.
On the one hand, it is my house, and I'm not ok with stuff like that going on around here, and I do think it's worth mentioning that I know what she did and she should take responsibility for it. And it's going to be really awkward the next time her boyfriend comes over for the weekend! And I do believe, in the words of Janis Ian, "There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it." Well obviously it's too late for me to stop it, but maybe it is worth it to let her know my feelings on the subject.
On the other hand, it isn't my business and I don't want to get in the middle of it. I don't expect her boyfriend to come out and ask me if she's been cheating, I doubt he has any inkling of that. But it will be hard for me to look him in the eye, that's for sure. But since she is my roommate, and things are going so well with us cohabitating, I don't wanna screw that up. She's moving out at the end of August, so I still have quite a bit of time to live with her and I don't want that time to be miserable. I'll keep you all posted. If there is an opportunity to talk to her about it, I'll take it. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay out of it.
As far as things with Lane, I'm feeling better about the situation already. I haven't been texting him, and he hasn't really been texting me, so out of sight, out of mind. I do still get sad about it sometimes, but...I do think it is for the best. There has to be someone out there who lives closer to me and is looking for a relationship. Right? RIGHT???

I just don't know...

I don't know what's going on anymore. We had a conversation the other day that left me feeling really weird... We were talking about our careers and futures, and I could tell he was having kind of a bad day. Feeling stuck in a rut because his day job is boring, and he wants to do more of what he loves, and work more towards his goals, but he needs the money/financial stability from his day job. So anyway, I could just tell he was feeling a little down, so I sent him a sexy pic. Implied nude, very classy. And this was his response, and the conversation that followed...

So obviously, not very encouraging. :/ I didn't text him again after that, but he did include me in some group email about the Golden Globes. We didn't talk for 2 days after that, until last night when he texted me. I was so shocked at first after not talking to him for 2 days that I freaked out a little lol. Then I waited a bit for responding. We had previously talked about the 16 personalities and what ours are, just for reference. Here is that convo...

That was it. I didn't text him back after that. Notice how I dropped that hint about planning trips? A perfect opportunity for him to suggest coming to California and he didn't. ((Sigh)) I just get the feeling he's trying to distance himself from me. I don't know if it's because I had sex with him and he got what he wanted and that's it, or if it's because he thinks it's the logical thing to do since we live so far apart, or if it's because he thinks I'm more into him than he is into me and he wants to discourage me. I just DON'T KNOW. I'm not feeling as depressed as I was before about it, I'm feeling a bit better, but still sad. He's just so...wonderful and smart, and funny, and he makes me feel sexy, and confident when I'm with him. Like, I don't feel insecure, or awkward, or self-conscious, or worry if he likes me. I just feel happy!