Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

WTF??

All day I've had this weird feeling like...like last night didn't really happen. Like I must've just dreamed it or something. I mean, there I was in a public place kissing some guy I hardly know! And now I just feel...weird about it. I dunno. There must be something wrong with me. I just can't decide how I feel about Bill!
And you know what else? I didn't hear from him all day, and it bothers me. It bothers me! WHY?? I can't even decide if I like the dude or not, but I'm irritated that he didn't at least text me all damn day. ((Sigh)) GOD I am fucked up. Thank goodness school is starting on Wednesday. I'll be too busy with class to think or worry about anything else. I hope.

Fail.

Well tonight's improv class kind of sucked. Mainly because I was looking forward to it so much, for a couple of reasons...

1) We didn't have class last week, cuz of the holiday
2) I would finally get to see Lane since he was out of town all weekend
3) I was sure we would be going out again afterwards for another night of debauchery, followed by (hopefully) some more making out and a possible sleepover

Well, Lane was there, of course, but he seemed really...strange. Just not himself, I guess. And I was trying to not be weird myself, since it was the first class we had since we started...whatever we're doing. And I swore to him (and myself) it wouldn't be weird between us. So I made it a point to talk to him and Will during the short break we had, and I sat next to him at some point, but I could just tell there was something wrong. He wasn't being his normal, upbeat, outgoing self. So naturally, I thought maybe it was something to do with me. Maybe after spending a little time apart over the last week, he decided he just wanted to stay friends, and he wasn't really that interested? Or maybe he reconnected with an old girlfriend back home, or maybe he just met someone new...?! ((Sigh))
All these thoughts ended up being a terrible distraction for me during class, so I totally sucked today. And that pisses me off because I never wanted our relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) to affect class! In ANY way! Especially not my performance. Ugh...
Anyway, after class, everybody stayed at the theater to watch a show, so I assumed we'd be going out later as usual. So we all convened outside when the show ended.

"So what's the plan guys?" I asked cheerfully.

"I gotta go home. Gotta get up in the morning." Will said.

"Yea, I think I'm gonna peace out too. I just don't wanna drink tonight." Lane chimed in.

"Really??" I said, genuinely shocked.

"Yea, I have an interview tomorrow, and I my weekend was just..." He sort of trailed off.

"Oooookay then." I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

"I just need to give my wallet a break during the week. And we're gonna go to the show tomorrow night, if you're interested." He recovered.

"Yea, sure. Just...text me tomorrow and let me know what's up."

So Will and Lane left, and I hung back for a minute before heading home myself. As I walked, I couldn't stop analyzing everything Lane had said and done. He was distracted and distant all night, quiet, brooding almost, and not up for drinks. SOOO NOT like him.

So I decided to shoot him a text. When I pulled out my phone, I saw that I already had a message, from Will.

"Sorry to be captain buzzkill", it said.

I laughed and wrote back, "You should be! Now EVERYONE is going home!!!"

Then I wrote a message to Lane that said, "Dude are you ok? You seemed...I dunno. Weird."

A minute later I got a response.
"Umm I am feeling a little weird but I'm gonna try to shake it off. This weekend was weird for me."

"Awe, how come?" I asked, trying not to seem like I was prying, but still concerned.

"It's hard to explain and everyone keeps advising me not to get so distraught about it." He responded.

"Distraught? That's a good word. I think you might have actually talked to me a little bit about this that night you were drunk, but everyone deals with shit in their own way."

"I did? Oh shit, what did I say?"

"Lol, relax! You didn't say anything terrible. You were majorly ADD when we were talking so you kept going off on random tangents, but you told me about your friends from high school, some chick and her bf who hate you because they're jealous and think you're copying them or something, and how your friends from home keep spreading your shit around, and you're sick of it. Am I right?"

"Oh yea, that's all true. That's not really what got to me though. It was more family related and not inherently bad which is why it's hard to explain."

"Hmmm...very cryptic. Ok well...I honestly don't know what to say, but if you wanna talk, I'm a good listener, and if you don't, that's cool too. Whatevs."

"Yea, I'm not ready to talk on this yet but I appreciate it. Ebb and flow. I'll come around."

So, I feel pretty good about how that conversation ended. I mean, I know it's not me anymore for one. And he knows I care, but I'm not gonna pester him for info if he doesn't wanna share. So I just let him know that I'm willing to listen when he's ready to talk.
That's good, right? God, I'm so rusty at this shit. Lol. But if anyone knows anything about family bullshit, it's me. Ugh...

Well, hopefully he'll be feeling more like himself tomorrow when we meet up for the show. But what really sucks is...

1) I wasted a really cute outfit
2) I cleaned my room AND MADE MY BED, cuz I figured he would be coming over! Well, all I had to do to clean was sweep, but still...
3) I shaved my legs

AND FOR WHAT?!? I guess you can never really plan for anything. Nothing is ever easy.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Ever since Melissa and her boyfriend broke up, we've become really close. We hang out all the time, and talk on the phone a lot... I mean she's like one of my best friends now! And since we've both been sick, we decided it would be fun to go to a movie today, since we can't go out. We saw Sweeney Todd, which we were surprised to learn was a musical, but we still really enjoyed it. We're huge Depp fans! Afterwards we ate at Friday's and chatted for a while. It's so nice having great girlfriends!

Earlier today I had an interesting conversation with my ex, The Psycho. He had called me a few days ago and left me a message saying Merry Christmas and all that... And I figured since he's in the army, he most likely spent his holidays alone, and it couldn't hurt to call him back and just say hi. And we were having a fine, civil conversation...just chatting about stuff that's neither here nor there. Until he started talking about how he misses me.

"Do you still have feelings for me? Honestly." I asked him.
I heard him sigh, and there was a long pause before he answered.
"Peyton, I have never cared about anyone the way I care about you. I mean, all my other exes are just chicks, but you were never just a chick. I realized too late that you were legit, and you really did love me, but you didn't wanna be with a guy who was gone so..."
"No. You can't say that. The reasons we broke up aren't as a result of you being gone and helpless to the situation. We broke up because our relationship was not healthy. And it would have happened regardless of if you joined the army or not. I mean we could point fingers all day but...it just wasn't meant to be."
"Ok well...you don't have to rub it in. I disagree though. I miss you everyday. And I still love you."
"Well...then can I ask you something? Even if it might make you mad?"
"Sure...go ahead."
"If you love me so much, why did you try to hold me back?? I mean...when we broke up it was like, "Wow! I have friends! I have a life! I can do things!" I mean seriously...and you always picked fights with me over the silliest things, like myspace."
"I don't know Peyton...because I was insecure I guess. It doesn't matter... I was really happy with you, when you wanted me. But now you don't want me, and I'm miserable."

I sighed. I mean, what was I supposed to say to that?? He was a total jerk through our entire relationship!!

So I figured it was probably best to cut our conversation short.
"Well...it was nice talking to you. Don't be a stranger. And take care of yourself, ok?"
"Yea. You too Peyton. Bye."

And that was it. How weird... And yet, nice to know he at least misses me. Why is it that the one person that I would absolutely never be with (again) wants me? But the guys I want (The Model, Todd...) don't want me. Ugh. What is my dysfunction???

Anyways, I totally found The Frenchman on Facebook yesterday and he is SEXY!@!!! Like, I almost freaked! I mean I couldn't view his profile since we're not friends, but I did see his main picture. He's very fit, nice muscular arms, tan skin, dark hair...mmmmm. And he's holding some kind of rifle like he's just been hunting or something. OMG SO HOT! So I wrote my cousin, Noelle and told her how hot I think he is. So I may be going to Louisiana sooner than I'd planned!

Well, it's back to work tomorrow, then Saturday is the photoshoot, and then Monday I fly to Florida for 4 days. I'll most likely update while I'm there cuz Sophie's gonna be working during the day. I still can't believe she's getting married! Crazy...
Well it was great hearing from you guys! Keep writing me!

Mitch Of The Day:
"Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!"

My Big Mistake

Ok, now that I've finally finished writing about NY, I have a lot of catching up to do! So here goes...

My first week back, I worked, obviously. And I seriously needed to after all the money I had spent! Oh, and we have a hot new door guy! His name is Jake. Well, on that first Sunday, I worked from 4 to 10. And afterwards, I stayed and had a couple drinks with Valerie. I know, totally random, since we have been known to butt heads in the past. But hey, I'm all about second chances, and she and I were having fun! We sat and played Photohunt on the little computer for a couple hours! Then, this weird guy named Lane came up and starting talking to us. If I had been by myself, I would have totally just ignored him, but Valerie kept talking to him! So I thought maybe she was interested or something. When we got tired of playing the game, we got up to walk around a little bit, and who do I see?? Billy. He's always been notorious for getting really drunk on Sundays. Anyways, he mentioned to me that he and his crew were going to this new bar, Zeppelin, that had just opened up. So after they left, I asked Valerie if she wanted to go check it out. She said, she'd be down, but she didn't have any cash on her. I told her not to worry, I'd spot her the cash and she could just pay me back later that night after we picked up our tips. So Valerie and I, and Lane, headed over to Zeppelin.
It was an ok bar I guess, but not one that I'd frequent. It was just too dark! I mean you couldn't even see anyone's faces! We had a couple rounds of shots, which I paid for, and danced and goofed off for a while. We were all having a pretty good time. I saw Billy too...making out with some ugly chick. Weird...
But then, around 1:30, Valerie came up to me and said, "Dude...we need to get outa here. Like, now. Something's about to go down."
I looked around. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"I dunno...we just need to leave. There's somethin' shady going on!"
"Um...ok, we can leave if you want but...I seriously don't think anything bad is about to happen."
Valerie must have been a lot drunker than I took her to be! She was acting so strange! I mean there was literally nothing happening at this bar. There were probably only about 35 people in there. So we walked outside, and Lane is asking me who's going to drive Valerie home, because we had all driven separately.
"Well, we're going back to our bar, so she should be fine for just the couple blocks. You drive behind her and she can follow me. That way we can watch her." I said.
For some reason, Valerie didn't know how to get back to work, even thought it was only about 2 blocks away. So she wanted to follow me. So we're driving along, and everything is fine. Then we turn onto the street where work is, and I guess she suddenly realized where we were. And as I was turning into the parking lot, she floored it and sped off! What the hell!? She owes me money!
I tried calling her to see what the deal was, but she didn't answer!
So Lane and I are standing in the parking lot, awkwardly, alone.
"Well...uh...I'm just gonna go in and pick up my tips." I said.
"Well, what about your friend? Do you know where she lives? Is she gonna be ok?" he asked.
"I dunno what is up with her! To tell you the truth, tonight was the first time I've ever hung out with her, so I don't know. And she's not answering her phone."
"Oh. Well ok then..." Awkward pause... "So can I call you sometime?" And there it was! The clincher!
"Um...sure!" I said in a falsely sweet voice. "Gimme your number."
I programmed it in as "Don't Answer", quickly said goodbye to him, and high-tailed it inside.
Nick was cleaning the bar, and Blinn and Mr. S. were hanging out. Blinn must have been out drinking with his brother, because as soon as I sat down, he told Nick to make us shots! I told Nick and Blinn what happened with Valerie, and they both agreed that it was very weird!
So while I was waiting for my money, Blinn and I decided to play a game of poker at the electronic table. And 3 games and several shots later, I was up 200 bucks! Blinn was out of control! Haha, he never gets beat! And I usually never have such great luck! It was crazy. But then we decided to play one more game, double or nothin' and I lost. So I had to give him back his 200 bucks. But oh well! At least I didn't lose any money!
By this time, Mr. S. and Nick were finished closing down the bar, so it was time to get outa there. But Blinn still wanted to play poker, and I had just started to get a buzz going, so I wasn't ready to turn in either! So we decided to head over to Blinns house for a couple more games. Blinn and The Albanian are cousins, and they had just moved into a new town house a few blocks away from work. It wasn't even furnished yet. And Mr. S. wanted to check it out, so he came with us. And let me tell you, this house is sooooooo nice! Three stories, with a garage, and all hard wood floors. It's beautiful! And huge! And I was having fun running around in my socks. Haha! Well, Mr. S. didn't stay long, and I don't think we ever got around to playing any more poker...
Blinn poured us each a glass of red wine, and we toured the house. Then we went out to his balcony and just talked...for what seemed like hours! And I was totally drunk by this point so I have no idea what we talked about.
But uh...eventually we ended up making out. And this is where things start to get realllllllly fuzzy! Because I know we messed around a little, and we were both totally wasted! It was just one of those really sloppy, drunken, thoughtless things! I ended up passing out on his futon/couch, which was incidentally the only piece of furniture in the place. And Blinn must have fallen asleep on the floor. Because the next morning, I woke up, dazed and confused, and he was in the corner by the window curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Lol.
Well, let me tell you what my first thoughts were upon waking: !@#$!%&!(%*!&#*#%*&!%^!!!!!!
Yea...
And my second thoughts? "I gotta get the hell outa here before he wakes up!"
So, as quietly as I could, I crept over to the counter, grabbed my purse, then my shoes, and started to walk towards the stairs.
Then he woke up.
"Uh...I tried not to wake you. I'm just gonna...go." I said awkwardly.
He mumbled something unintelligible. I half-ran down the stairs and out to my car. I wasn't even sure exactly where I was! But it didn't take me long to get my bearings. I was still in a state of shocked disbelief at what I had done!
What was I gonna do when I saw him at work next week??
Would he tell anyone?
What if everyone finds out??
Is it gonna be weird between us now?
What does he remember?
How should I act??!!

All these things were flashing through my mind so fast, and I think I was starting to have heart palpitations. I picked up my phone and called Alyssa. The only person at work I knew I could trust with a secret this big.

"OMG PEYTON ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" she said after I told her. "You didn't sleep with him, did you??"
"NO! Of course not. I'm just so...ashamed! I mean...what do I do!?"
She sighed. "Well...nothing I guess. I mean, do you like him?"
"NO! I mean, I'm not even really attracted to him! I've never even thought of him in that way! I dunno how it happened Alyssa, we were sooooo wasted! I can't even remember..."
"Well, then just act like nothing happened. I mean, he's not gonna say anything to you about it."
"I hope you're right. You cannot tell anyone!"
"I won't! I promise."

Oh g's...what have I gotten myself into??

Mitch Of The Day:
"I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall."