Mind Over Matter

Since I made the decision to stop worrying about Lane, and get on with my life, things have actually, surprisingly, been easier. Tonight, class was fun again, and I did way better than last week. Lane and I kind of avoided each other's eyes, but it wasn't like I was chatting it up with anyone else in the class. I just tried to pay attention and stick with the program, all personal feelings aside. I did have to do a one-on-one scene with Lane though, and I was super nervous, and freaking out a little, but once we got started it was like nothing had ever happened, and we were just classmates again. So that was a relief, as far as class is concerned anyway.
After class a group of us went out for dinner and beers, like we used to, and it actually seemed like things might be getting back to normal. In the end it was me, Rose (who recently broke things off with JJ), Lane and Will. So pretty much the usual group. We only stayed till about 11:30 and then we all went home. Will left us at the stop light, and I walked with Rose and Langston, since their train stop was on the way to my house. When we got to the train, I started to say my goodbyes.

"Wait, where are you going?" Lane asked, looking a little confused.

"Home..." I said.

"On the train?" He asked.

"No, I live like 2 blocks from here." I said, giving him a look that clearly said, "Remember??"

"Ohhhh, right." He laughed almost uncomfortably, "Well Will and I are going to the show again tomorrow night if you wanna go."

"Of course you are." I teased. They both have idolizing crushes on the guy-girl improv duo that performs every Tuesday.

"Hey, I'm not doing anything tomorrow," Rose said, "Do you wanna go?" She looked at me expectantly.

I was actually planning to skip tomorrow, just to put some distance between Lane and I, but instead I agreed, not wanting to be left out should everyone decide to actually do something tomorrow night.
So I guess I'm meeting them tomorrow night at the theater. Still not really sold on it though. I would almost rather just hang out at home and save money, than spend an awkward 2 hours with Lane, trying to decide how I should act. ((Sigh)) Oh well. I guess I'd rather us get through the awkward phase and just go back to how things were sooner than later. Mind over matter.

Fail.

Well tonight's improv class kind of sucked. Mainly because I was looking forward to it so much, for a couple of reasons...

1) We didn't have class last week, cuz of the holiday
2) I would finally get to see Lane since he was out of town all weekend
3) I was sure we would be going out again afterwards for another night of debauchery, followed by (hopefully) some more making out and a possible sleepover

Well, Lane was there, of course, but he seemed really...strange. Just not himself, I guess. And I was trying to not be weird myself, since it was the first class we had since we started...whatever we're doing. And I swore to him (and myself) it wouldn't be weird between us. So I made it a point to talk to him and Will during the short break we had, and I sat next to him at some point, but I could just tell there was something wrong. He wasn't being his normal, upbeat, outgoing self. So naturally, I thought maybe it was something to do with me. Maybe after spending a little time apart over the last week, he decided he just wanted to stay friends, and he wasn't really that interested? Or maybe he reconnected with an old girlfriend back home, or maybe he just met someone new...?! ((Sigh))
All these thoughts ended up being a terrible distraction for me during class, so I totally sucked today. And that pisses me off because I never wanted our relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) to affect class! In ANY way! Especially not my performance. Ugh...
Anyway, after class, everybody stayed at the theater to watch a show, so I assumed we'd be going out later as usual. So we all convened outside when the show ended.

"So what's the plan guys?" I asked cheerfully.

"I gotta go home. Gotta get up in the morning." Will said.

"Yea, I think I'm gonna peace out too. I just don't wanna drink tonight." Lane chimed in.

"Really??" I said, genuinely shocked.

"Yea, I have an interview tomorrow, and I my weekend was just..." He sort of trailed off.

"Oooookay then." I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

"I just need to give my wallet a break during the week. And we're gonna go to the show tomorrow night, if you're interested." He recovered.

"Yea, sure. Just...text me tomorrow and let me know what's up."

So Will and Lane left, and I hung back for a minute before heading home myself. As I walked, I couldn't stop analyzing everything Lane had said and done. He was distracted and distant all night, quiet, brooding almost, and not up for drinks. SOOO NOT like him.

So I decided to shoot him a text. When I pulled out my phone, I saw that I already had a message, from Will.

"Sorry to be captain buzzkill", it said.

I laughed and wrote back, "You should be! Now EVERYONE is going home!!!"

Then I wrote a message to Lane that said, "Dude are you ok? You seemed...I dunno. Weird."

A minute later I got a response.
"Umm I am feeling a little weird but I'm gonna try to shake it off. This weekend was weird for me."

"Awe, how come?" I asked, trying not to seem like I was prying, but still concerned.

"It's hard to explain and everyone keeps advising me not to get so distraught about it." He responded.

"Distraught? That's a good word. I think you might have actually talked to me a little bit about this that night you were drunk, but everyone deals with shit in their own way."

"I did? Oh shit, what did I say?"

"Lol, relax! You didn't say anything terrible. You were majorly ADD when we were talking so you kept going off on random tangents, but you told me about your friends from high school, some chick and her bf who hate you because they're jealous and think you're copying them or something, and how your friends from home keep spreading your shit around, and you're sick of it. Am I right?"

"Oh yea, that's all true. That's not really what got to me though. It was more family related and not inherently bad which is why it's hard to explain."

"Hmmm...very cryptic. Ok well...I honestly don't know what to say, but if you wanna talk, I'm a good listener, and if you don't, that's cool too. Whatevs."

"Yea, I'm not ready to talk on this yet but I appreciate it. Ebb and flow. I'll come around."

So, I feel pretty good about how that conversation ended. I mean, I know it's not me anymore for one. And he knows I care, but I'm not gonna pester him for info if he doesn't wanna share. So I just let him know that I'm willing to listen when he's ready to talk.
That's good, right? God, I'm so rusty at this shit. Lol. But if anyone knows anything about family bullshit, it's me. Ugh...

Well, hopefully he'll be feeling more like himself tomorrow when we meet up for the show. But what really sucks is...

1) I wasted a really cute outfit
2) I cleaned my room AND MADE MY BED, cuz I figured he would be coming over! Well, all I had to do to clean was sweep, but still...
3) I shaved my legs

AND FOR WHAT?!? I guess you can never really plan for anything. Nothing is ever easy.

I Got The Job!

And I've been working every day since. I figured I might as well get the first part of my training over with so I can start making money again. So I worked Thursday, Friday, tonight, and tomorrow is my first shift on my own. WOOHOO MONEY! Lol. So far, it's ok. I mean, I'm just waiting tables, and all my little pet peeves are starting to come back. I used to HATE waiting tables, and this is no exception, but I had to make a sacrifice. So be it. Money is money. And I love all the people, and Caleb is soooo nice, and so cool. Everyone that works there loves him. It's a really laid back, family-like atmosphere, which is just what I've been looking for. And best of all, I don't have to be embarrassed of where I work anymore! Lol. And Sophie and Brent will actually come in and see me! In fact, Brent has already been in to have a drink with me after work once. Sophie is in Mexico for the summer, doing some kind of work study/internship, something or other. I miss her. :/
But now that I have stuff going on, and it's keeping me busy, I'm not miserable anymore! Yay!

On top of all that, you'll never guess who texted me Wednesday, the day I got the job.

NICOLE!!

Here's our convo:

Nicole: I officially quit [name of bar]

Me: Why so quick to leave your "family"? Did someone go behind YOUR back and forward an entire facebook conversation to Brandon?

Nicole: Nope just time to move on.

Me: Well good for you. Now delete my number.

Nicole: Done and done!

Bitch. It felt so good to finally say something to her. What a fucking cunt. She better hope I never run into her...

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how much fun Monday night was, and now much I love everyone in my class. But one person in particular keeps popping into my head.
Lane. The ginger. Lol. It's weird thinking of him that way, but that's what he is!
He has like...turquoise eyes, and such a nice smile, and he's funny, and easy to talk to. He also has a beard and a mustache, which is strange, because I'm usually not into facial hair. But his just...fits. So he could be someone I could potentially be interested in. But...I've only hung out with him once, so we'll see. I'm sure we'll go out again this Monday after class. I can't wait!

Let's Improvise

Well I think I have a job lined up. Hopefully... It's at a neighborhood bar right down the street from Sophie and Brent's place. We go there a lot actually. It's super chill, you have to be 23 to get in, they have an great beer selection, a supercool staff, and a realllly nice owner/manager. I put in my app last week, and the bartender told me they definitely need someone, so I've been in several times since to hoping to catch Caleb (the owner) so I could introduce myself, and maybe talk to him. But he apparently has a very busy schedule and I kept missing him. But finally, one of the bartenders gave me Caleb's email address and said that would be the best way to get hold of him. So I sent him an email the other day, and he asked me to come in and talk with him tomorrow! And I don't think he would want me to come in if he wasn't going to give me the job. The only catch is, I'm going to have to start out waiting tables. Apparently one of their bartenders put in his 2 weeks, so until he leaves, I'll have to wait tables. But I agreed, just because I really wanna work there. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

In other, super exciting news, last night I started my improv class. The class itself was hilariously funny, and amazingly fun! I couldn't believe how easy it actually was to get on a stage in front of strangers and do weird stuff. Granted, I wasn't alone doing the weird stuff, but still. I was definitely nervous going into it. Afterwards, we all walked outside together, and someone suggested we go out for drinks! Of course, I was down with that, so a small group from the class headed across the street. So here's the cast:
There was Rose, a tall girl with wavy blond hair; JJ, her super nerdy, tall, skinny boyfriend; Lane, a guy with naturally deep auburn hair and a disarming smile; Will, the big, funny bearded guy who you can't help but love; Bruce, a little bit older than most of the class, and definitely more responsible (he's an attorney); and Antonio, who we're all still trying to figure out...

So we spent the night drinking, talking and getting to know each other, and by the end of the night I was literally giddy about how much fun I'd had, and how easily I'd just made a handful of new friends!

Things are definitely looking up...