Sunday, August 28, 2016

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

Monday, August 8, 2016

New Beginnings

Sorry I've been MIA. It's been crazy. Sophie is back from Central America. She moved all her shit into my front room, stayed with me in my bed for a week (during which I basically didn't sleep), and then she left for 3 weeks to travel around the US visiting friends. She'll be back in a week. In the meantime, my roommate has moved out. Well, almost. She still has a bunch of dishes here, and she still has to get the carpet steam cleaned since her dumb dog pissed all over it. But for the last week, I've been here, all on my own! In some ways it's been nice. I mean, I've always liked living alone. But after spending the last year having Jenn for a roommate, even though we didn't hang out that often, with her working from home, she was just always here, ya know? So now the house just seems...empty. Aside from all the animals lol. Sophie's 2 cats are here, and they've been a royal pain in the ass. My cats are eager to get to know them and play with them, but they are less than enthused. It doesn't help that for the first week they didn't have their own space to live in, since Jenn hadn't moved out yet. Then when she did move out, I basically had to move all Sophie's shit over there myself. But by then, her cats didn't WANT to go over there! They like it better in my living room now! UGh...
Anyway, enough about cats. God, is this what's gonna happen to me if I live alone again?? I'll turn into a crazy cat lady?? I guess it's a bit lonely here. I have gotten a lot of reading done though. Hopefully things will be good when Sophie gets back. This weekend Carrie is coming into town again, just her, for the Red Dress Run, and she is staying with me. I told her about how disappointed and pissed I was when she bailed on me last time. She apologized and said there was some drama over at Lauren's place with her sisters alcoholic ex-husband. I dunno....
I've got nothing to report in the dating world, but I did make a new friend! I started using Bumble BFF and I went out on a friend date with a girl named Lauren last week. Yep, Lauren. Lol. It's Lauren 2.0! Hahaha. She seems to be in the same boat as me, being the last single person in her social circle, and having friend troubles, etc. We really hit it off! I'm hopeful that it will become a lasting friendship. It'll be nice to have a wingwoman again. Somebody to have happy hours, brunch, and girl time with.
A lot of things are changing right now in my life. Not super major things really, just...a lot of little things. It should be interesting.