7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

Superman Returns

Every time I write him off, he pops back into the picture! It's like he can sense these things. Ugh... Adam texted me at 7:30am yesterday! He said he was getting off work at noon, and asked if I wanted to go day drinking with him. Under normal circumstances, I totally would have gone. But my circumstances yesterday were anything but normal. For one thing, it was 7:30am and I was barely awake. So my responses were rather brief and unenthusiastic (which is good). Secondly, I woke up with a UTI Tuesday morning, and had a doctor's appt yesterday at 2:45, and then an afternoon/evening full of piano lessons. Not to mention, once I actually got out of bed, I ended up spending most of the morning in the bathroom because of my stupid UTI. Thankfully, that's under control now, thanks to antibiotics. This is the world's way of letting me know that I can't have it all. And by "it all" I just mean sex. ((Sigh)) So anyway, I turned Adam down, but he continued to text me, and then said he might be able to go out later, after my piano lessons, but of course, that didn't happen. I dunno what he did all day yesterday, but he said he didn't go out, because "no one wanted to go with him". Lol. Boo hoo. It just figures he wouldn't ask me to hang out once during his week off, and then on his first day back at work, a day which I just happened to be really miserable and busy, he suddenly wants my company. ((Eye roll)) What am I gonna do about him?? This is just NOT working for me. But I can't really seem to resist him either. Blargh.

This Could Be Heaven or This Could Be Hell

Chris texted me around 7 or 8 last night and asked if I was going out. I was hoping to go out, but had no plans, so I said I wasn't sure. He said he was flying back from NYC, getting in around midnight and planning to go out for a few drinks and we should meet up. So we did! It was me, Chris, and his friend Joey, who was with him on the first night we met. He's pretty cool. By the time we got out, it was like 1:30am, but hey! We had a great time. We all ended up back in Chris's hotel room, and smoked pot out of an apple lol. Lauren asked me today if I'm sure I'm not in my 20's. I'm starting to think I might be, because I wasn't drunk enough to black out, but the last thing I remember is smoking that pot, and apparently Chris and I had sex and I have absolutely ZERO memory of that. But I woke up in my top and bra, naked from the waist down. Lol, hot. We had sex again this morning though, and that was pretty great, in addition to the benefit of me remembering it. God, he is so beautiful. He has these full, perfect lips that make you just wanna bite them. And the most charming smile. And his tattoos are so sexy. Oh, and his hair! It's so soft and shiny and full and running my hands through it, I imagine it's what quicksilver feels like. Every time I see him, I'm taken aback by how attractive he is. And it doesn't hurt that he's fun, and down to earth, and I don't feel like I have to play games with him, because I know it can't go anywhere. ((Sigh)) That's both an upside and a downside to the situation. I know I said I wasn't looking for a friends with benefits kind of situation, buuuuut that's basically what this is. Whatever. I don't wanna overthink it. I like Chris and we're having fun.

Didn't hear from Adam all weekend soooo I guess that's done. Again, whatever. It's not like I didn't have other things (read: hot guy) to do. 

Return to Reality

Sorry I've been MIA, I was in Orlando at Harry Potter World with my dad, and Sophie and my dad's girlfriend, Laurie. We had a blast. Got back on Wednesday. No news with Adam really. He's off this week and we texted briefly, but he hasn't asked me to do anything, so I'm playing it cool, and keeping my distance. I refuse to text him until he texts me. I just need to meet someone else. ((Sigh)) I would like it to work with him, but...maybe he's just not that into me. Chris seems a bit more interested. He asked me to hang out Friday, but I was already in bed. I lied though and told him I was out with a friend so I wouldn't seem lame lol. Now he's gone for the weekend because his sister is having a baby. But he'll be back, and we're gonna hang out then. God, I wish he lived here. He's so hot!! And awesome. And doesn't seem to know or mind that I shat in his toilet! LOL.
Anyway...I just wanted to update everybody, even though I don't have much to report.

Back to the Basics

After the conversation with Adam, I didn't hear from him the next day, so I assumed he was blowing me off. Then when I did talk to him finally, he told me he'd gone to play trivia with some friends Thursday night...!?!?! So that also pissed me off and that was when I decided, "Ok, I'm done", which was I think when I left that comment in response to the mean, anonymous commenter. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I'm still a fucking person! With FEELINGS. Whoever you are "Anonymous", maybe it's cool for you to use tough love on your friends, but I'm not your friend. You've never met me. You only know about me, what I choose to share with you and this..."relationship", for lack of a better word, that I have with you all as readers is obviously very one-sided. So keep that in mind before you decide to kick me when I'm down.
Anyway, so I decided I wasn't gonna waste anymore time waiting around for Adam, and get on with my life. He did text me back later that night saying "Hmmmmm" and then "Hello??" but I was already asleep and didn't bother responding the next morning.
Lauren's Dad passed away on Friday, and Carrie was here to pick up the puppy, but in light of all the tragedy, we didn't really go out Friday or Saturday night. We did go out Saturday during the day though. I had to work early in the morning. I got to take photos from the back of a motorcycle of a 10k race that was going on. It was pretty fun! And I posted a selfie of me and the guy driving the bike on Facebook. After work, Lauren said she needed a distraction, and a group of guys was in town for a bachelor party and she knew one of them. So we went out to lunch and drinks with them for a little day drinking. I was having a good time, and trying to keep Lauren laughing and distracted. I'm pretty good at that. Then I got a Facebook message from Adam, asking me if I'd had fun on the motorcycle that morning. I ignored him. Then 2 hours later, he sent me the same exact message via text! I ignored that too. At first... After I'd had a couple drinks I lost my will power and responded. I just figured, if he's sent me 4 messages in the last 12 hours with no response, he must actually still wanna talk to me...right?
But I played it really cool with him. Answered his questions, but didn't ask him any, not leaving the door open for more conversation unless he initiated it. And he did! So we chatted for a bit and then I decided when the conversation was over.
The next day, Sunday, I woke up with a sore throat and had to work in the rain for like 5 hours, which was really helpful. I was too busy to think about Adam really, but still, I waited for him to text first, and he did. I did the same thing yesterday and he texted again. I've been trying to maintain my distance, and not be so available, and...it worked! He came over last night, and we watched a scary movie and snuggled and had awesome sex. Several times. Both of us are basically sick now, so we were like what the hell? This morning we watched a couple episodes of Seinfeld this morning, before he had to leave to go to the doctor. Now I'm drinking hot tea and watching TV in bed as I type this.
I'm gonna try to keep doing what I've been doing the last couple days with Adam. I mean, I know he likes me, and he knows what I want. And it's not like I want that RIGHT NOW, I just don't want to waste anymore time if that's not an eventual possibility. But we kept it light last night. I probably won't see him again till next Wednesday, because on Saturday, I'm going to Orlando with Sophie, Dad, and his girlfriend, Laurel, who I LOVE, and we're gonna go back to Harry Potter World, of course, and I'm so excited!! And I won't get back till Wednesday the 6th of April, which happens to be the last day of Adam's work week. So we'll see what happens. I'm trying to play it cool, but I still feel pretty positive about it.

Late Night Musings with Adam

So just when I thought time was about to run out on Adam, he texted me in the middle of the night. And it just happened, I was awake. So we're chatting for a bit, and he suggests I come over. I'm like, "It's almost 4 in the morning..." and then this conversation happened. Sorry it's so long, but shit got a bit heavier than I anticipated and I want your thoughts.

So he must have passed out at this point, because our correspondence was getting more and more delayed, and since he told me he was probably gonna sleep another full day, I'm not surprised that I still haven't heard from him. I expect I will late tonight again. So since it HAS basically been 3 weeks since I've seen him, I feel like at this point, I would be totally fine with just not seeing him again. I mean not totally fine, but...it's not like I'd be smarting from rejection. I'm just not sure if that's really what this is? He said he'd be willing to try, I'm just not sure if he wants to. I dunno. The fact that we haven't seen each other in so long probably makes it easier for him to part ways as well. So part of me wants to give him another chance to be crazy about me, and part of me wants to just quit while we're ahead if this is going to be a waste of time. He seems like a great guy, and I like him, and I'd like to continue seeing him if this possibly has a future, but if he's not into it then....? Maybe it's just not meant to be. So what do you guys think?
P.S. "Murder Porn" means binge watching crime dramas lol.

I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

Still talking, still haven't seen him. ((Sigh))

FUCK YOU, CALIFORNIA!!

He's gonna fucking move there, I can just feel it. UGGGGHHHH... This does not bode well.

Today Is The Worst.

Today is the worst. I had made up my mind to adopt one of the puppies I was fostering. I became super attached to him, and he's so fluffy and sweet! He got along with my dog AND even my cat! They love to play together! And I love him so much! Today I had to take all the puppies back to the SPCA to be spayed and neutered, and then the plan was to pick up Draper (mine) and Joan (the one Carrie adopted) and bring them back home with me.
But Sophie totally tanked that plan by telling me AFTER I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF, that if I adopt Draper, she won't move in with me this September. We were in the car, and I was on my way to drop her off at Tulane for meetings and stuff. I already got him a collar made with his name on it, and bought him a bed, and a double leash for he and Jasper to use when I walked them together... And of course I took the tags off everything. So then I cried the whole way home because I hadn't even said goodbye to him! I did eventually get to see him when I went to pick up Joan, but he was really out of it from his surgery, poor baby. And then I cried some more, of course. And I've pretty much been crying off and on all day. I was supposed to go to this P.h.D. dinner thing with Sophie, but I told her I decided to stay home. Partly because I don't feel like going anywhere, and I'm sad and miserable, and partly because I'm mad at her, because the reason I feel like this is her fault! She says with her 2 cats, another dog would just be too many animals. ((sigh)) I just miss him so much already. I know he'll find a home quickly, and someone will love him to death, I just wish it could have been me.

The only good news is, I ended up hearing from Adam yesterday almost right after I made my last post. So my moment of panic was shortlived. I guess he is still interested, or he wouldn't still be texting me, right? He's not coming back till Tuesday morning though! So again, I dunno when I'm gonna ever see him! Unless he wants to go out Tuesday night. But I'm not gonna ask him, he has to ask me. So we'll see...
Well, my sushi just arrived, so I'm gonna wallow in food and cuddle Joanie while I watch TV.

Dating Is The Worst

So I still haven't seen Adam since our ONE date, last Monday/Tuesday. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and not overanalyze, but let me present both sides and you all can judge for yourselves. PLEASE comment and give me your opinions.

CONS
This feels a lot like when a guy is either just not that into me, or he's not looking to get into a relationship, so he tries not to encourage the girl too much. Like, we went on the one date, and then had sex, so maybe he feels he doesn't need to pursue me anymore. Or maybe he just got what he wanted out of it and he's hoping it'll just fizzle. Over the last 4 days, our texting has slowed and I feel like I've been doing most of the initiation/driving the conversation. This worries me because I think I'm a pretty intuitive person, and generally when I start getting this vibe from someone, especially this early on, I just wanna let it go and move on before it gets worse.

PROS (or more aptly, Reasons/Excuses Why He May Seem Disinterested)
He has kept in touch with me throughout his work week, even if some of our messages were few and far between. And he did tell me it would be really hard for him to do anything during his work week because his schedule is so wack. He gets called in at weird hours, and sometimes has to work through the night and then try to sleep at the station while he waits for another ship to bring him back to the city. And then maybe the next day he works during the day and he's tired the whole shift, but then he can't sleep at night. So he doesn't sleep well and he doesn't sleep much during work weeks and is rarely home. I get that.
I was kinda hoping to maybe see him last night, because his work weeks begin and end on Wednesdays, so I knew he'd be off, but he told me an old professor of his was in town so he was going to meet up with him.
The other thing is, he's flying to LA today to meet with his friend who wants him to basically be a COO of his company or some shit. And he told me on our date that he was really nervous about it, because he doesn't have any experience in that area and he doesn't think he has enough confidence to really "own a room". He even went to the bookstore and bought a couple books on business and about being confident. So I know he's probably had a lot of his mind with that, and he won't be back until Sunday or Monday, I can't remember which.
I did tell him he'd probably be getting some drunk texts from me this weekend while he's in LA, since Sophie is here and we're going out Friday night, and he'll be 2 hours behind over there. His response was that he loves drunk texts, so that is encouraging.
The other thing is, he told me he would always be honest with me and he specifically said that if he's seeing someone and he's just not into them, that he would TELL that person that. He actually told me the last girl he briefly dated was a setup by one of his neighbors, and it turned out that they didn't really have chemistry. So he broke it off, and told her he just didn't see it going anywhere, but she still texts him apparently. So I would hope that if he wasn't into me, he would do me the same courtesy, and just tell me. And then I would NOT continue to text him.


Ok so that's everything I think. But I haven't heard from him at all today, and he hasn't even left yet. Although he did say he was getting a massage today and he sleeps a lot when he finishes a work week. Probably nice to be back in his own bed (which is super comfy, btw). So what do I do? Do I send him a text and wish him a safe flight and good luck etc, or do I wait and just drunk text him tomorrow night? Do I ask him if he wants to get together next week? Or do I do neither and wait till he gets back and see if I hear from him?
Did I completely misread him and he's blowing me off and I'm just too in denial to see it??
UGhhhh dating is the worst.

March So Far

You're right, I was freaking out over nothing, but that's just what I do, initially. I just need a little time to reflect and talk myself down lol. Anyway, Adam has been working since last night; he works like 20 hour shifts basically. I mean he's not working the whole time, but because he works on ships, he has to take them far away, and then come back. So he has down time in between trips, but he's still away from home. So anyway, we've been texting for the past 2 days, and so far so good. This may sound crazy, but I feel really...secure about this. Like, I'm not worried that he's gonna play me, or turn into a douche and ghost me or anything. For the first time in a long time, I feel confident that this is really gonna go somewhere. Granted, I could be totally wrong, but...here's hoping! He's going out of town next weekend though, to L.A., of all cursed places. So I'm hoping we'll get to hang out sometime in the next week, before he leaves. I'm gonna be super busy next weekend anyway, with Sophie, Shane, and Grant all being here, so I won't have to time to miss him.
So I've been kind of freaking out over my job situation. Sucks, because I was just starting to get my anxiety under control, and now I have something new to stress out about. Every week on Monday and Tuesday, since I started this job, I had a gig that I did that paid basically a base salary. And that was recently taken away from me and given to some part-timer, who complained that he wasn't being given the amount of hours he was promised. I was assured that it had nothing to do with me, and that I've been doing a great job, but this particular guy isn't managed by my boss, so he couldn't do anything about it. So now I really need to find another job to supplement my income and just UGH... I don't want to!! I have to get out my resume and all that, and actually LOOK for a job, which is a job unto itself. ((Sigh)) I would like to be able to find another photography job, or else do something with animals. Maybe finally get some use out of my animal science degree. But I don't wanna have to go to school, or get any certifications or anything. So no dog grooming or vet tech positions. I wish I could get paid for fostering animals. I'd be making a fortune off these puppies, if that were the case! They wear me out! But I think I'm gonna end up keeping one of them... He reminds me so much of Jasper when he was a puppy! They're both half poodle though, but this particular puppy looks the most poodley out of the litter. And he's just SO SWEET. Ugh. I'm not gonna be able to bear parting with him. Another reason why I need to find a second job. In order to afford a second dog lol.
Lord help me, I'm turning into a crazy pet lady!

Too Good To Be True?

I had my first date with Adam yesterday. He came and picked me up around 5, then we went downtown and walked along the Riverwalk, with cocktails, of course. Then we headed over to this fancy hotel restaurant where he had made us reservations. It was soooo good. We shared a bunch of small plates and had some more cocktails. Then we went and saw Deadpool at the fancy theater that serves food. We had wine and cheese. Then we went to a bar down the street from his place for a night cap. I ended up going back to his place with him again. We hung out on the balcony for a while, watching the fog roll in on the Mississippi, and then we went inside and tickle wrestled a little bit. Lol. We just really did have the best time. And he lets me ask him anything, and he says even if he doesn't wanna answer it, and even if it makes him look bad, he'll always be honest. So far, I think he has been. I asked him some pretty weird questions just to test him out. Haha. It was super late by the time we went upstairs, and things got heated again. He told me he didn't wanna sleep with me last time, because we had just met, and he "doesn't do that", but that wasn't the case this time. Things were going well, but we hit a setback when he put the condom on. Now I'm a little worried, because he made a couple comments about gay men hitting on him a lot. And as perfect as he seems, I just can't shake the feeling that maybe it's too good to be true! Maybe he's gay and in deep deep denial. Or maybe he'd just had too much to drink. Or maybe he was just nervous? I don't know. It just doesn't seem entirely normal that a guy who seems so into you would have trouble fucking you the first time ever. Right?? I dunno. Maybe it's me? 

Obviously I'm not going to give up on him yet, we still had a wonderful time, and laid in bed for most of today. Then he took me out to lunch and drove me home! 

Anyway, I really really hope he isn't secretly gay. I mean if he hadn't told me that story about some gay guy at a bar trying to kiss him, maybe it never would have occurred to me to think he might be gay. I mean he's not effeminate or anything. Then again, I was engaged to a guy who EVERYONE thought was gay when I was 20, and I never noticed it until someone else pointed it out. Although, he actually wasn't gay. He's now married with 2 children and seems really happy, but that's neither here nor there. 

Well I'm stickin' with Adam for now. I really like him, and technically, I can't find any reason to not continue dating him.

Clark Kent

I met a guy.
His name is Adam. I saw him from across the room at the bar we were at last night, and I leaned to tell Lauren, "You see Clark Kent over there? He's hot." He was dressed very sharply, but that wasn't at all out of place in the spot we were at. He had a crisply ironed blue button up, a grey jacket and black framed glasses. Not the overstated nerdy kind of glasses with the plastic frames, the kind you wear out of necessity. Slightly severe, but in a good way. His hair was dark brown, longish and wavy, with that perfect little Superman swoop and side part. I immediately wanted to run my hands through it. He didn't see me, but I kept a subtle eye on him from our table. It was one of Lauren's friend's birthday, so I didn't know any of her friends, but a couple of them were pretty cool. So we hung out at the table for a bit, just the girls, and we did a couple shots and I even danced! I never dance. Then after a while, Lauren asked me if I wanted this shot of Fireball one of the girls bought her. I said, "Ew no, but give it to me and I'll use it as an excuse to go talk to Clark Kent over there."
So I made my way over to the bar and snagged the spot right next to him. The bartender came over, and I ordered another drink and asked to close my tab. While I was waiting, I turned to him and said, "Hey, do you like Fireball? My friend just gave me this and I can't stand the stuff." And he said, "Sure, but you have to do a shot with me." So he bought me something else and we did the shot together.
The rest is sort of a blurry haze... He bought us another round, then one of his friends sent us over a bottle of champagne, and I ended up standing over there talking to him for the rest of the night. I checked in with Lauren, who was also a little worse for wear lol. Apparently she made out with some guy and doesn't even remember it. Hahaha.
Anyway, I ended up going home with Adam. I wasn't paying much attention to where we were going in the Uber, but when we got to his building, I did notice it was very nice. Then we get up to the 30th floor, and he walks us to a door labeled: Penthouse 5.
PENTHOUSE. 5.
UGH. In that moment, I felt sorta like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, minus the prostitution, and except for the fact that he's a year younger than me. But anyway, his place was obviously amazing. We headed out to his balcony, which had the most amazing view. He even had like this little reclining patio bed type thing. Which of course ended up making out on it. Lol. Eventually we went back inside though, because it was so cold, and my sweater was stolen at the bar (ugh).
So we headed upstairs, and there was more kissing, and more...other stuff, but I did not sleep with him! In fact, I'm honestly not sure why we didn't. But I'm kind of glad we didn't. When he took his glasses off, I couldn't stop staring at his eyes. They're a pretty greenish hazel color. He's also quite tall and a bit on the skinny side, but that's neither here nor there. And I was right, his hair is the softest... Anyway, we passed out eventually, and then we spent the entire day today laying in bed talking. It was nice. :) I kept worrying that I was overstaying my welcome, but he was adamant that he wanted me to stay. So I did.
He works in maritime engineering, doing stuff with giant barges on the Mississippi here. Whatever it is, it obviously pays well. He has 2 older brothers, a couple nephews and nieces. He's been single for almost as long as me, because he's done a lot of traveling over the last few years for work. He is also super nerdy, in a really cute way. I was up front and honest with him about everything, like I usually am, even though most of the time it seems to backfire. We talked about that too. Then we slept a bit more, and finally I figured it was time for me to go home. So he offered to drive me! Of course he has a super nice black Audi with very dark tinted windows and all the upgrades... ((Sigh)) It was sweet of him to drive me home though. And a couple hours later, he texted me. :) So I think I'll see him again. And I'm glad.