John

When I saw him across the patio, I immediately jumped up from the table, and ran over to talk to him. After a while, he left his group and joined ours. We spent the day discussing feminism and politics and everything under the sun while sipping cocktails. As the sun made its way down the sky and day turned into evening, it felt like everything was simultaneously speeding up and slowing down. I thought to myself, I think I really want this now. Finally. And once I acknowledged that, I just let it take me, the way a river current carries a raft. 

It ended up being just the 4 of us, watching HBO and eating takeout pizza till midnight. And then as we all started to fade, they retreated to their room upstairs, I made my way to the guest room downstairs, and he made himself comfortable on the couch. 

My mind was racing as I brushed my teeth and dressed for bed. I wasn't 100% sure if it was a good idea, but I still wanted to. So I turned out the light, climbed into the bed, and reached for my phone.

"Are you coming?"

And then he was there, beside me, stolid and warm, and yet I felt somewhat remote, and apprehensive. He didn't say much at first, but then, "Do you like to be touched?" and I said it depends on the touch, and the person. He told me to lie on my stomach, and I did, and then I felt the light brushing of his fingers against my skin - my back, my arms, my neck, in my hair, sending tingles and gooseflesh spreading in waves to the tips of my fingers. I sighed and relinquished my doubts. 

"Is this ok?" He asked, and I rolled back over towards him and kissed him, softly at first, then more deeply. He responded in kind, and even though I couldn't see his face, I could feel the strength and tenderness, the tentative yet eager hunger with which he applied himself. It started out very slowly, just the kissing, my fingers in his hair, his hands cupping my face. And then he was leaning over me, unhurriedly pulling my shirt over my head, and dipping to kiss my neck, breasts, stomach, and then my mouth again. I don't remember the last time I felt so desired for myself, not just my body. It was in the deliberate way he undressed me, like he didn't want to rush so as not to miss anything, and the way his hands caressed every inch of me, as if his fingertips were his eyes, and the way he lingered over me with kisses. It was so...intimate. And so deferential. I could feel him asking without ever using words if it was what I wanted, as if he was ready to stop at any sign of mistrust or trepidation.

The sex itself wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was everything else! I'd forgotten what true intimacy really feels like. Having that deeper connection with someone, and just letting go of everything and giving yourself over to that person. I didn't want it to end.

Afterwards I fell asleep with my head on his chest, with one of his arms around me, and the other lightly brushing the hair back from my face. It was entirely peaceful. It felt...right.

I was sad to see him go this morning, and I thought...Who would have thought that after all this time, it could be so intense, so passionate, so...easy? But then again, I can't imagine it being any other way, really. 

Sex, Dating, Marriage and Cheating

Sorry if I left you guys hanging. Apparently some of you were confused by my reaction to finding out "The Cheater" had a gf. Ok. Initially yea, maybe my reaction was inappropriately strong. But it obviously came as a complete shock to me. And yes, it's true, I knew next to nothing about the guy when I slept with him, and what we had lasted one night, and was 85% just physical. The fact still remains, I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd known he was supposed to be committed to another person. I'm not ok with that. I'm not a pure hedonist, there is always a line we have to draw. After everything that happened with Lane, I came out the other side of a dark tunnel pretty much, with my back straight and my head up, refusing to let my broken heart take me deeper into that tunnel, where surely depression and anxiety and hopelessness waited for me. I've been there before, I'm familiar with the road that leads to that, and I made a choice not to take that road. Instead, I chose the road of distraction, pleasure and indulgence. I don't regret that choice, because it's far better than the alternative, but perhaps I continued down that path a little too long. And finding out about Eric's girlfriend was sort of an eye opener. I'm not saying I'm going to revirginize myself or anything, but going forward, I want to be a bit more informed on my choices. I don't think cheating is ok, ever. Under any circumstances. I've cheated, and been cheated on. In the long run, it's hurtful to everyone involved, and any pleasure derived from the experience comes at a hefty price. Not to mention, it's baggage I just don't need! So those are my feelings on that.

Anyway, Abbie just called and dropped a huge bomb on me. She and Helen are getting a divorce. They haven't even been married a year! The selfish part of me is angry because I spent so much money to be in their wedding and had to fly to Chicago when I was broke and going through a really rough time, and so much time and thought (and more money) went into the gift I got/made for them, and so much time and grief (on my part as well as Abbie's) went into their whole courtship (I was in Chicago for all of that), and now it's all just going down the drain! The phone call was very brief, because Abbie was at work, but she did tell me that Helen cheated, and apparently her twin sister, Reagan, is the one who figured it out. She promised to call me later tonight and explain everything. ((Sigh)) I'm going to be thinking and wondering and speculating about this all day. Of course I feel awful for Abbie, and genuinely shocked. They seemed so in love! And I really did believe Helen was the best woman for the job! (Being Abbie's wife) Cuz Abbie's no walk in the park. I mean, just being her friend was pretty much a full-time job, and she's high maintenance! Maybe that's why Helen cheated? She's also pretty young. I think she was only 24 or 25 when they got married. Still! NOT AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT! Ugh...
Every time this happens I lose a little bit more hope for myself. I know, I know, it's not about me. But if any of you are one of the last TWO single people left in your group of friends, you'll understand. It's just me and Lauren now. One of us will end up in a relationship eventually, and the other one will be fucked. And I don't want it to be Lauren, but of course, I don't want it to be me either. ((Sigh))

Speaking of relationships, Chris hasn't answered my last 2 texts. At first I thought he might be traveling, because the last time I saw him, he mentioned he was gonna have to go to Detroit and somewhere else. But in the past, he's always been pretty good at responding to my messages, so either I said or did something the night of my bday that put him off or freaked him out, or it's just ran its course. Who knows? Our time together had an expiration date anyway, so perhaps it's better this way.
And Kyle promised to take me out for a late bday dinner as well. That was supposed to happen the weekend after my birthday. We had a restaurant picked out and he was going to pick me up and everything. But the morning of our date, he called and said he left his work laptop at his hotel in Dallas and had to drive all the way back to get it because he could get in big trouble. He apologized a lot and begged me not to hate him and swore he'd make it up to me, but we have yet to reschedule. ((Eye roll)) First he got sent off shore, and this weekend I'm super busy with work, and on Sunday he's leaving for a work conference in Miami for a week. Ugh! I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Maybe in another 2 years? Lol. As much as I would like to see him and find out if we still have that chemistry we had 2 years ago, I'm not holding my breath. But in the meantime, my bootycall well has dried up. So I'm taking that as a sign that my 6 month foray into the life of Dorian Gray has come to an end. I really do want something more meaningful than that.

Cheater

I wanted to blog yesterday, but my laptop charger stopped working and I was trying to save my computer battery before I went and bought a new one. Anyway...birthday weekend was a huge success! Lauren and Bethany and I went out for brunch, then some day drinking, and I finished the night off by getting together with Chris, and having some mind blowing bday sex. His flight got in at 5pm ON MY BIRTHDAY so it worked out perfectly. This weekend coming up should be a good one too, because Kyle will be back in town, and he says he's taking me out for a late birthday dinner. We've been texting all day. And I keep telling myself that I am NOT going to sleep with him. I mean it's been 2 years since I've seen him, so what's the rush? Maybe I can actually squeeze a few dates out this guy, who knows? All I know is, it seems like I'm actually having my needs met in the sex dept right now, and I want more than that. So I'm going to give Kyle a shot.
Speaking of the sex dept, that guy I hooked up with from Austin a couple weeks ago, the half Chinese really beautiful one with the longish hair? He texted me the other day asking me when I was coming to Austin and we were chatting for a bit. He made some comment about us sleeping in "my bed" and I was like, "Uh, what about YOUR bed? You're the one who lives in Austin, not me."

And he said, "Nah, I never let people sleep in my bed." RED FLAG!

So I said, "Why? Do you have a thing for bedwetters or something?" Trying to keep it light.

"Haha, no, it just always causes trouble."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble? Doooo you sleep in a cardboard box? Have voyeurs for roommates? Are you married? Wtf??"

"I do have 2 roommates, ya. And no, I'm not married, but I do have a gf."

"You're joking, right?"

"I don't lie."

"Well you failed to mention that when we met. That's considered a lie of omission. Now you're saying you wanna hook up again?? Clearly, something isn't right in your so-called relationship. Perhaps you should spend some time figuring that out instead of cheating on your gf. Because I don't want any part of that."

"That's fine, I respect that. I'm not trying to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's a long distance thing, and she's weird, but it is what it is."

This went on for a while, him basically making up excuses, and trying to convince me that it's okay for him to cheat, and me trying to explain that while maybe he thinks it's ok, I do not, and it's totally not cool that he made me a party to his cheating without even telling me! Then he was like, "Ok well you don't have to be so mean about it" and I was basically like, "HA! I'm not going to apologize for what I said. I was just being honest. You're the one who is in the wrong, not me."
After that I fell asleep, because it was late. He sent me like 3 more texts saying I should just let it go and not be mad cuz that will make me miserable. ((Eye roll)) What a dolt! Ugh. I'm not even mad really, I'm just so disgusted. I guess now I have to flat out ask every guy I meet if he's actually single!? And I'm really surprised that after my initial reaction of disapproval, he continued to text me as if he either cares what I think, or he still thinks he has a chance of hooking up with me. In fucking September!
I seriously don't understand dudes... I mean he is younger than most of the guys I date/hook up with, but I knew going into it that it was just a one night thing, I wasn't expecting anything else. Certainly not that he'd end up having a girlfriend! ((Sigh))

I made sure to ask Chris if he was single the other night. He gave me a weird look and confirmed that he is, in fact single. What a relief.

Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

This Could Be Heaven or This Could Be Hell

Chris texted me around 7 or 8 last night and asked if I was going out. I was hoping to go out, but had no plans, so I said I wasn't sure. He said he was flying back from NYC, getting in around midnight and planning to go out for a few drinks and we should meet up. So we did! It was me, Chris, and his friend Joey, who was with him on the first night we met. He's pretty cool. By the time we got out, it was like 1:30am, but hey! We had a great time. We all ended up back in Chris's hotel room, and smoked pot out of an apple lol. Lauren asked me today if I'm sure I'm not in my 20's. I'm starting to think I might be, because I wasn't drunk enough to black out, but the last thing I remember is smoking that pot, and apparently Chris and I had sex and I have absolutely ZERO memory of that. But I woke up in my top and bra, naked from the waist down. Lol, hot. We had sex again this morning though, and that was pretty great, in addition to the benefit of me remembering it. God, he is so beautiful. He has these full, perfect lips that make you just wanna bite them. And the most charming smile. And his tattoos are so sexy. Oh, and his hair! It's so soft and shiny and full and running my hands through it, I imagine it's what quicksilver feels like. Every time I see him, I'm taken aback by how attractive he is. And it doesn't hurt that he's fun, and down to earth, and I don't feel like I have to play games with him, because I know it can't go anywhere. ((Sigh)) That's both an upside and a downside to the situation. I know I said I wasn't looking for a friends with benefits kind of situation, buuuuut that's basically what this is. Whatever. I don't wanna overthink it. I like Chris and we're having fun.

Didn't hear from Adam all weekend soooo I guess that's done. Again, whatever. It's not like I didn't have other things (read: hot guy) to do. 

I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

I Can't Even

So I never ended up seeing the Englishman again. Kinda disappointing, but it's probably for the best. I just started my period anyway. But what's weird is, he just accepted my facebook request TODAY. Today as in, the day he's flying back to the UK. So of course I've been stalking him.
And I forgot to mention before, the night we met, he confessed to me that he is married. That's what he said, "I'm married." So of course, I freaked out because I'd been making out with him 5 minutes prior to that, but then he went on to explain that he and his wife are separated and he's in the process of going through a divorce. In fact, he talked about it more later that night, and he seemed really upset with himself that he was going to be a 31 year old divorced guy. I checked up on this, of course, and confirmed with his friend that he is, in fact, separated from her. And then he told me that that was one of the main reasons he came to New Orleans, just to get away from it all. Apparently she wanted to have kids, and he realized that he does want kids, just not with her so...they split up. Rough.
But anyway, so I found his soon to be ex wife on facebook, and most of her photos are not private, and there's all these old wedding photos of them...it's weird. It's sooooo weird. I have never slept with a married man before, regardless of the technicality. I really hope he wasn't lying to me about that, and I didn't just participate in cheating. But then why would he have accepted my friend request? Ugh. All this is pointless. I just hate when guys act like they really like you, even after the sex, and they say all this bullshit to you about how you're so wonderful and beautiful, and they've never met anyone like you and blablabla...I'm a grown ass woman. I don't need to be coddled. Why can't you just fuck me and leave if that's all you want? What's the point of all the other crap? I'd rather they not be overly gratuitous and complimentary if they're not actually interested. Just save it.
God...this is why I told myself I wasn't gonna do the casual hookup thing anymore. Because I just CAN'T. #LessonLearned

My English Gentleman

Last night I went to this crazy Mardi Gras costume party. Very exclusive. Kevin invited me a while back and despite the way he's been acting lately, he said he still wanted me to go. So we had plans to meet at this bar and he and his friends had arranged for some sort of shuttle to take us to the venue. My plan was to Uber to the bar so I wouldn't have to drive, but there were no Ubers available because of all the parades and whatnot, so I had to call a regular taxi, which was going to mean I'd miss the shuttle. So Kevin told me to just meet him at the venue, and they'd probably be in the line. So I got there and called him, and their bus hadn't even gotten there yet! So basically, I ended up standing on a street corner alone for 45 minutes waiting in the freezing cold. But he ended up texting a friend of his, Dave, who was already in the line, and he was able to get me in. So Dave was with a small group, and he introduced me to everyone, but the most interesting person was definitely Jamie, the British guy. He was dressed in all pink, including a wig, and was apparently dressed as a rugby player. Turns out, he actually plays rugby (of course). Well we just sort of hit it off immediately, and were talking and found we had lots of common interests - books, BBC Tv, political views, etc. So it ended up just being Jamie and I at the bar alone and his other friends wandered off. Eventually we went into one of the stage rooms to find everybody. I still hadn't heard from Kevin, and it was close to midnight by this time. But then when we found Dave, he said he's just seen him! He didn't even text me to let me know he was there! And then Jamie kept saying, "Oh well we should probably go find him, since you need to say hi and everything." But I was hesitant to do so because of the way Kevin has been acting lately. Ever since I told him I just wanted to be friends, he's been kind of a dick. Trying to make me jealous, and just being generally immature. So I ended up explaining the whole situation to Jamie, who apparently had been under the impression that Kevin and I were some sort of item. I set him straight quickly though, and I told him I'd rather hang out with him than with Kevin. So I did! :)
And we had the best time. I didn't drink too much, which is good. Just enough to catch a buzz. And Jamie and I, both being virgins to this particular party, had a good time people watching. There were people there that were basically naked. Sooo that was interesting. He kept telling me I wasn't like any of the other American girls he'd met, because I'm much more progressive, and I'm very sarcastic, and straight forward, like British people. I laughed and said I'd take that as a compliment. At one point, we were on the dance floor and he was just staring at me, and I said, "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" and he said, "Because I'd really like to kiss you right now."
So I kissed him! It was wonderful. It felt so...organic. I just can't remember the last time I just met someone out of nowhere and liked him like that. I mean he's hot, he's tall, he has a sexy accent, and he's smart and well-read. What's not to like?? Well...there is the part about him living in Manchester. ((Sigh)) Why can't I ever find a good guy that lives HERE?! He's only going to be here till Wednesday. So after we kissed for a while, he asked me if I was free any time this week, because he'd like to see me again. And I told him I didn't really know what my schedule was yet (which is true), but that I'm sure I can squeeze him in. Then we went back to kissing.
Inevitably, I did have to go find Kevin and say hi. It would have been rude not to. So Jamie went off to find Dave, who was holding all his cash since Jamie didn't have any pockets lol, and I went to find Kevin. He was dancing, and super fucked up. Apparently he took ecstasy. ((rolls eyes)) He introduced me to a couple of his friends, but really didn't seem too interested in talking to me. Which was totally ok by me, cuz I just wanted to get back to Jamie, but I didn't want Kevin to see us together, because I figured...I dunno, that would just be too wrong, seeing as Kevin was the one who invited me to the party in the first place. So after Kevin and I chatted for a bit, I told him I was going to grab another drink, and went to find Jamie. Then we continued with our fun night. We stayed until the place shut down, around 4am, and then finally walked outside to find a taxi. I was really uncertain at this point about inviting him back to my place. I mean I wanted to, but 1) my place is a huge mess right now with all these puppies and 2) I told myself I wasn't going to have any more casual hookups, because ultimately, that's not what I'm looking for. But of course, I gave in, and invited him back with me. I mean he had no phone and no money and his friends were gone. I couldn't, in good conscious, leave this foreigner to fend for himself! I warned him about the puppies, and the messy house, but he said he loves puppies, and didn't care. Good thing it was dark. Lol.
So things went basically the way you'd expect. Except, I took off all my makeup. I wasn't worried about what he'd think. And he said I was beautiful. He also said he respected me, and we didn't have to anything I didn't wanna do, but I wanted to. So we did.
It's funny because he's very proper, in a way. He never swears, he apologizes constantly (which is definitely a British thing) and he was bashful to even say the words, "have sex". Lol. He was just kind of like, "Well if you want to..." and he sort of made this gesture that said, "you know what I mean" and I just laughed. While we were at the party, he actually used the words "make love". BAHA! He's so cute. And he literally could not keep his hands off me. Even when we were just laying there, he was constantly rubbing my back, my arms, anywhere my skin was exposed. It was heaven... The sun was up by the time we went to sleep. And it wasn't like real sleep. It was like a nap, followed by more sex, and then more napping. Around 4, we actually got out of bed, and then I drove him back to his friends house on my way to Bethany's for a Super Bowl Party. I only stayed for the first half though, cuz I was exhausted. Jamie doesn't have a working phone here, since he lives in England, but he told me he would Facebook message me. I'm still waiting for that to happen, but hopefully I see him again before he leaves. And if I don't, that's ok. I had a great time, and that's what matters.

What Would You Do?

Yesterday morningish, my roommate told me she was going to meet a friend for lunch in the quarter. It's rare that she ever leaves the house, because she works from home and she is such a homebody she is rarely seen not in sweats or PJ's. But I was like, "Ok, have fun!" and then I left for work shortly afterwards.

Well later that afternoon, when I was on my way home from work, she texted me that she was on her way home from lunch, pretty buzzed, and bringing company. I didn't really think much of it, and went about my business. Well they came home a short time later, and I was in my room, editing photos and watching TV, so I didn't go out and introduce myself right away. Plus, they seemed a bit drunk, and I just wasn't in the mood. But eventually, I had to leave my bedroom, and they were both in the kitchen pouring wine. So Jenn says, "Hey, Peyton, this is my friend from high school, Steve. Steve, this is my roommate, Peyton." Steve looks like Kevin from The Office. Fat, bald, and stupid. Except instead of being sweet and harmless, he seemed really trashy.

Then Jenn tells me that they haven't seen each other in about 8 years, and have been catching up and drinking all day (which was obvious), and how she's never sure if she should tell people he was ahead of her in high school, or behind her, because he repeated 2 grades. ((eye roll))

Well I exchanged all the necessary pleasantries, got my glass of water, and retreated back to my bedroom. A couple hours later, they were still carousing and drinking and smoking in the backyard, which Jenn is pretty much always doing, so I wasn't paying them any mind. Then I started chatting with this guy on Tinder and we were talking about meeting out later, so I hopped in the shower and started getting ready. After I got dressed, I headed back into the bathroom to fix my hair, and I heard a loud crash from the back yard. Both of our bathrooms are in the very back of the house, with windows looking out onto the garage/porch/backyard area. It's pretty small. So I go to look out the window to see what had happened, and Jenn and Steve are butt ass naked, fucking on the patio furniture!! Jenn, I might add, has a boyfriend of 5 years, who stays here every other weekend, and is sooo nice and helpful, and is always fixing stuff for us around the house. He even installed a new alternator in my old car for me, FOR FREE! So here I am, witnessing her cheating on this awesome guy (who is way hotter than she is, btw), with this DISGUSTING fat man, and I was just so in shock I didn't know what to do! I just had to get out of there. So I finished getting ready as quickly as possible, without even having fully confirmed plans with Tinder guy, and I just left. I ended up going to a small hotel bar I like, by myself, because I hadn't heard from Tinder guy in a while. I texted Bethany, and Lauren, and my cousin, Noelle, but none of them could hang out. So it was just me! Alone at this bar. But I actually ended up making a new friend, which was cool. His name is Mason, and he was sitting next to me at the bar with some friends, but he just started talking to me, and we ended up talking till midnight when the bar closed. Then he invited me to join him and 2 of his friends at another bar. So I went with them, we had another round, talked some more, and then I dropped Mason off at his car and went home. The great thing about it is, I wasn't interested in him sexually (he's only 22), I wasn't looking for anything except some people to talk to! And that's exactly what I got. And it was fun. He also happens to work in the same industry as me, he's a videographer. So we had a lot to talk about. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and perhaps we'll hang out again sometime. Who knows! I got home around 2:30 am, and Jenn and that dude were in her room, sleeping. Ugh. I think he's still here now actually. She hasn't shown her face all day. They've just been holed up in her bedroom. I don't know what to do about this. There is no way I will actively keep that secret for her. I won't even be able to look her boyfriend in the eye! She has to tell him. That is just so fucked up. I mean, they're planning to move in together when her lease here is up! That's this year! And she just cheated on him big time with some trashy fat guy! I don't get it AT ALL. Wtf is wrong with people?? What do I do?? I want to tell him, but obviously I can't, because I live with Jenn and that would make things really awkward between us, and of course, it's none of my business. I don't wanna be in the middle of their drama. But I won't lie for her. I won't.

What would you do?

Misadventures in Central America: Part 2

Before I forget, Sophie and Brent got a legal divorce just before she moved to Guatemala. They were never a traditional couple with a traditional marriage, and I guess they both felt that a divorce was for the best. They're still like best friends, and Sophie still goes to Chicago to visit Brent whenever she comes to the states, so that's good. They respect and care for each other a lot, and I will always think of Brent as my brother-in-law. They're just not in love anymore I guess. I know somebody asked about that, so I felt the need to clarify. It just hadn't come up in any of my previous posts. Well, moving on...

So we arrived in Belize, FINALLY. I couldn't wait to just not travel for a couple days, and I had yet to even get tipsy on this trip! Placencia is like the Stars Hollow of Belize. For real. It's a small, quaint little town that relies a lot on tourism (obviously), but it's like everybody there knows each other. There is a long sidewalk (it was called the Boardwalk, but really I dunno why. It was just a sidewalk) that runs parallel to the beach. Between the sidewalk and the beach are tons of bars, restaurants, hostels, shops, and residences. So we started walking down it until we found our hostel. Some of Sophie's friends had recommended a place, and it was great. The proprietor lived above it, and it was basically just a huge room full of bunkbeds. There was a separate kitchen and bathroom, and a porch filled with hammocks. Luckily for us, there were only 2 other people staying there. A lady who came over on the boat with us, and one guy whose friends had already left. So we chose our beds, threw our stuff in a locker, and headed out exploring. I was in desperate need of a drink. Hauling 2 roller bags through sand is the literal worst.
We stopped at the first open restaurant/bar and sat down. Basically everything is outside there. So we were sitting on a covered patio, overlooking the beach. It was awesome. Now John had arrived in Belize a few days before, and had been working on his Master Divers Cert. So I sent him an iMessage from the restaurant wifi letting him know we had arrived and where we were so he could meet us later. But he was out on a dive that day and wouldn't be back for some time. I think it was like 5 o'clock when we got to the restaurant.
Now before I go any further, just a little bit of background. Prior to this trip, I hadn't seen John in...years. I'm not even sure how long, but years. And after he invited me to Belize and then flaked out on me like he usually does, I eventually got fed up and basically let him have it. I can't remember if I blogged about this or not, but we didn't speak for like months after that. This is how that conversation went:

September 12, 2014
Me: You know what's weird? Despite the fact that we are often in the same place at the same time, I often wonder if I will actually ever see you again.

John: Valid point. I swing in different circles now so it's getting harder. Truth is when I'm in Houston I spend a lot of time with my  brother.

Me: Well it's a shame we're not going to Belize....I guess you'll never see my boobs in person. ;)

John: I really wanted to go, but I haven't been as productive with work as I could've been. Procrastination is inevitable.
John: And damn. That does bring a tear to my eyes.

Me: Aren't you on vacation?? I don't think procrastination is your problem.

John: That's the thing. I am on vacation whilst trying to accomplish a few tasks for work. I had to take time off in order to actually get stuff done.

Me: You're a workaholic. Among other things...

John: Haha, true, and it's not quite the balance I would like. They're two extremes. Nothing is close to middle.

John: It kinda hurts having the idea in my head that it could be possible that I might see you.

John: I don't want that to happen

Me: Well then stop being so flaky and quit jerking me around all the time. Your fickleness is giving me whiplash. I don't like it. It's frustrating.

September 13, 2014

Me: Sorry if I came off bitchy last night, but I don't think you realize how exasperating you can be. Our relationship obviously crosses over the line of friendship, and sort of has for years now, so it's hard not to attach some sort of expectations to that. And I don't think me wanting to actually see you once in a while is expecting much, but what do I know? I guess what I'm saying is, you drive me crazy with your unwitting indifference, and...sorrynotsorry.

 I didn't talk to him again till January of this year. He never really responded to what I said either, he just went radio silent. So when he messaged me in January, it was to ask if I'd be willing to rent out half of my house for a weekend for him and some coworkers. No small talk really, and I was kind of cold towards him. Not rude, just not really open like normal. I couldn't rent him the house either because that was the weekend Jenna came to town, but whatever.

So after all that, I was willing to bury the hatchet when I found out I was going to Belize, so I invited him. But I wasn't really sure what to expect. I mean I basically assumed that whatever it was that had been between us at one time, was over. I mean I told him how I felt, and he didn't say or do anything to change that, so I figured that was it! We were just friends. And even though I was mad and frustrated about it for while, I got over it. I honestly did think/hope he might try to change my mind back then, or apologize, or I dunno, something. But he didn't. And I moved on. I stopped entertaining ideas of him in my mind, or thinking about how it might work out if we ever got the timing right. I just got off that train and didn't look back.

So now here we are in Belize. Sophie and I, at this restaurant/bar, on the patio, in front of a beautiful white sand beach, azure water sparkling in front of us, and margaritas in our hands. And there's a table across from us with 4 dudes sitting at it. And a couple of them are pretty attractive. It didn't take long for one of them to approach us. I can't even remember what farce they used as an excuse to talk to us, but before long, we were all sitting together. And we were having fun! They were all from the UK, and in medical school. I guess to get through medical school in the UK you have to travel somewhere, sort of like a sabbatical or something, and they chose Belize. There were girls with them too, but they weren't at the bar. Sophie was hanging all over this one guy, Chase. And I was sitting next to a guy named Ian. They were the 2 hot ones. Right away I texted Sophie to determine which guy she was gonna go for, and she said probably Chase, but sort of shrugged. So I texted back, "Ok, well I want Ian." And she said ok. So we did shots with them, and played games, and watched the NBA playoffs, cuz that was happening that week. Steph Curry vs. Lebron James. Unbeknownst to me, Sophie was getting hammered. Although, I was pretty buzzed myself so I guess I just didn't notice. Well finally one of the guys cops up to the fact that Chase has a girlfriend, which I found pretty disgusting considering how hard he was hitting on Sophie. But whatever.
Then, finally, John shows up. And it was a little awkward, because here I was flirting with this guy, and I didn't wanna totally neglect John. I don't think he was expecting to meet Sophie and I and 4 dudes. Lol. It was a total sausage fest. So I tried to split my attention between him and Ian, but it was hard. For one thing, Ian was drunk and all over the place, I was less drunk, but still obviously under the influence, and John was completely sober. I was trying so hard to NOT give Ian the impression that John was my boyfriend or something, while also trying to include John in the games and conversation. And that's really hard to do when you've been drinking. And during all this, I sort of lost track of Sophie. I mean she was still there, but we had moved to a bigger table, and like I said, all over the place. So when she came back to the table, I noticed she'd been talking to Ian, so I sent her another message, reinforcing the fact that I had dibs on Ian, and she had Chase! She nodded in acknowledgment. Then John and I walked over to the bar to get drinks and we started discussing plans for a snorkeling trip to the Cayes the next morning. Me and Sophie been having trouble finding somebody that would book us with just 3 people, and of course the British boys were leaving early in the morning. Lucky for us, a guy in the bar who has a boat and does tours overheard me, and offered to take us out! So we exchanged email addresses and planned to meet him at 7am (yikes!) the next morning.
So I go back to the table to tell Sophie the good news and I see that she's holding hands with Ian.

WTF??

I must have had a look on my face or something, because then John mentioned he saw them making out while we were at the bar talking to the tour guide. I must've had a rage blackout at this point, because I think I called Sophie a cunt. I mean, quietly, in her ear. I just remember hissing something like that in her ear when I got back to the table. Obviously I was pissed, and drunk. And wtf she's my goddamn sister! This isn't supposed to happen!

I was trying really hard to keep my cool, and I sent her another message that said something like, "WTF are you doing!? I told you I was going for Ian!" and she didn't respond. Chase had been begging everyone to run into the water with him for last 2 hours and finally I decided that sounded like a good idea. So I said let's do it, and all of us went in, with the exception of John. I think I just wanted to get away, or maybe I was looking for an opportunity to talk to Sophie away from everyone, I don't really remember what I was thinking. I was seeing red. But I ran into the water, with all of my clothes on, and when I got out, Sophie and Ian were fucking in the water. Yes, fucking. Fornicating, Smashing. Bumping Uglies. In front of everyone. It was not only a hurtful betrayal, but it was terribly fucking embarrassing!!! Everyone in the restaurant could see them, and they left their clothes on the beach. And remember how I said everyone knows everyone in Placencia?? UGhhhhh... By that point, I had had it. I was soaking wet, and cold, and pissed. So I said I was gonna call it a night, and I closed the tab. John offered to walk me back to the hostel. I said, "No, it's ok, you don't have to do that." But he pretty much insisted, so I let him, even though all I wanted was to be alone.
Then I had to walk all the way back with him trying to carry on a normal conversation, which was not easy. He came in and checked out the place, and then I pretty much told him I was going to bed and I'd see him in the morning for snorkeling.
"Do you think your sister's still going?" he asked me with a chuckle.
"NO." I said, "I really doubt it."

When I finally got in bed, it took me at least an hour to fall asleep, even though I was so tired. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sophie and Ian. I mean, it's not even about the guy, it's about her! She finds out the dude she likes has a girlfriend so she just nabs my dude!? WTF?! She knows how much I value loyalty in my relationships, almost above all other things, and she should have known how much that would hurt me. I was really angry on the surface, but deep down, I was crushed. It made me feel like I was in 7th grade again, when Sophie was "The Pretty One" and she was super popular, and I wasn't, and people were always comparing us. And the fact that Ian chose her over me was just salt in the wound. What a great way to start our visit to Belize.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I hear knocking on the door. Luckily I was the only one there at the time, or they would've woken up everybody! It was Sophie of course, loudly "whispering" my name from the door. She had locked herself out. Well I refused to get out of bed to let her in, because fuck her! That's why! She had 4 dudes who she could sleep with!
Well she got in anyway, I dunno how, and she had all 4 guys with her!! UGhhh... I pretended to be asleep and ignored them while they all got into beds. Until I was woken up by the sounds of Ian and Sophie fucking AGAIN!!!! FROM THE BED RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!
I completely and totally lost my shit. I rolled over and screamed, "Are you seriously going to fuck in the bed right next to me?!?! If you're gonna act like animals, go outside and do it! No, you know what, never mind. I'LL leave!" And I stormed out in my pajamas and slammed the door as loudly as I could.
Funnily enough, I was sitting in one of the hammocks, fuming, when these 2 guys walked up smoking weed. So I smoked with them on the beach, and vented about my "slut sister" and then I felt much better. Lol. I don't remember going back inside or going to bed, but I do remember that 2 of the guys were asleep in one bottom bunk. Lol. There were like 5 open top bunks! I took a picture.
I guess this is gonna have to be a 3 part story, maybe even 4, cuz I have so much more to tell, but I'm tired of typing. So,

To Be Continued...

They Say the Best Way to Get Over Someone...

I finally hooked up with someone last night. FINALLY!!! AFTER ALL THIS TIME!!!
And it was great.
Fuck John. I'm movin' on.

Slapped In the Face During Sex

Yes. It happened. Lol. And it was kinda hot...

Katie's friend, Lex (his name is short for something long and Greek, lol) came into town last Wednesday and we went to the improv. That was alright, and he seemed cool, and pretty easy on the eyes. Then Thursday they both came into the bar while I was working, and he attempted to teach me to salsa dance. Lol. That was fun, and kinda sexy. Afterwards, we went to a 4am bar and hung out, and then we all ended up back at my place drinking even later, and hanging out. And then finally Katie called a cab, and Lex seemed disappointed that they were leaving. He said something to me like, "I thought we were gonna hang out longer and get to know each other?"
But I later found out that he's only TWENTY THREE!!! We were having coffee and I nearly spit mine all over the place when he told me! Katie had said he was 27!!! But that explains his lack of experience in the sack. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, right? Haha, kidding. But really, it wasn't bad, it was just...well you know.
So anyway, I didn't see them at all Saturday after he left. But Sunday the three of us had prearranged plans to go to brunch, so we still did that. And when we finished eating, Katie basically said she had to watch some foreign film and write a paper on it for class, so she wanted me to hang out with Lex for a couple of hours. I wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea, because I usually enjoy spending my Sundays in my PJ's, catching up on TV, and I was already really exhausted from partying/working all weekend. But I obliged anyway.  So we went for coffee, and just talked. That was when I found out his age, and I actually learned some things about him. He's still in that stage where he thinks he's gonna be rich by 30, and lounging around his mansion in a 3-piece suit, smoking cigars all day. Lol. It's great that he has ambitions, but he still lives with his mom. Apparently he's looking for roommates now. Man, I wonder if I still would have slept with him if I'd known all that beforehand? He's also never been in a relationship in his life, because he thinks there's no point in being in one, unless he's ready to get serious and start a family..!??! LOL. WOW. Well, needless to say, it never would have worked out between us. I mean, not that I was ever thinking/hoping it would, but it just feels better knowing, I guess. We went to a movie afterwards, and surprisingly it wasn't that awkward. Then we went our separate ways. Never to see each other again. ((Sigh)) The End.

Well, at least that's the end of the story of me and Lex. The story of me and BJ however, is still having it's ups and downs. And I really have no idea what, if anything, is going to come from this. I called him like 3 hours ago and he didn't answer. And I just saw that he posted on facebook like 4 seconds ago, so I know he's not busy. Ugh... Well whatever. I have no say in when or if he calls me, so I just have to deal with it. The only problem is, if this thing with BJ turns out to be nothing and just blows over, then what am I gonna do?? I'm just supposed to go back to my boring, single, spinster life???

AHHHH!!!

OH god....I'm having a miniature panic attack right now, because I just went back and read all my posts about BJ. And in one post in particular, I talked about him having a really small penis. THAT is something that I don't think I could get over.
So now what have I gotten myself into!? We've been texting since Friday! I can't just stop talking to him out of the blue! I mean what would I say, "Sorry I just remembered you have a small penis." ?????????
Plus, he's going to be here in a month! What do I doooooooooo??
I am such an idiot. I definitely need to scale it back or....or something! HELP!

UGH.

I literally spent most of today trying NOT to think about what happened with Bill last night, and then visibly cringing every time I did. Ugh... I mean that was like the most disappointing and awkward sexual experience of my entire life. I'm sure some day I'll be able to look back on it and laugh, but now I just keep thinking about how I was there, in that moment, thinking about how I didn't want to have sex with him! And I still don't know why I did! I just remember thinking that I had to, because I mentioned sex in a text message to him, and I didn't wanna come off as a tease. So I felt like, "I'm here and I have to go through with it." Ugh...I definitely was too drunk to have been making those kinds of decisions.  o need to lecture me either. Trust me, I've been punishing myself all day.
Lessons learned?

1) I DO NOT have to have sex with anyone if I don't want to! No matter what I said!
2) If I'm not really into him, don't sleep with him! It's not going to improve the situation!
3) Don't have sex with anyone new after a day of drinking

So there ya have it folks. Let's all try and learn something from my horrible experience.

2 Pump Chump

I got stuff to write about but I'm really tired, so I'm just gonna write about the important stuff for now...
Had Sunday Funday with Abbie and another girl from work, Kris, and my roommate (the cool one, not Dane).
Ended up at Bill's house afterwards. We finally hooked up. For like...5 seconds. I mean that. Literally. He put it in for 5 seconds, I didn't really feel ANYTHING cuz his penis is small, and then he GOT UP off the bed, and went rifling through his closet. He said he needed to find his condoms and put them back in his night stand, because he moved them all when his family came to visit. All I could think about was Brazil and how great the sex was with him, and how I really wasn't ready to be having sex with Bill, but it was too late to turn back. Plus, I'm not even really sure if I should count that. I mean it was like the dictionary definition of a 2-pump chump. WTF?! I did NOT know those really existed. And then of course he was really...irritable afterwards cuz he was embarrassed. And at first, I was just really confused, like, "did the condom break? is something the matter? what's going on? why is he leaving????" cuz it had been like 30 seconds!! And then I thought, "Well surely he must be coming back so we can finish" but when he came back, he was wearing his shorts? WT?F!!
WOW.
I definitely won't be talking to Bill again. ((Sigh)) I hate to say it but...I miss Brazil. For the first time since our last conversation.

Duped

So I recently found out that I have to move out of my place a lot sooner than I had planned...
Dane sent me an email last week, citing our differences in lifestyles (I supposedly  wake him up when I get home from work. HELLO?! His fucking loud ass girlfriend wakes me up EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY!!!) and saying that he no longer wants to live with a dog, and he wants me to move out by June. Fucking asshole.
So now I can't move in with Katie, and I have to find a place quick, because I just wanna get out of here ASAP. So on top of everything else I have going on, with my camera, and my probably super expensive dentist appt tomorrow, now I have to move. Ugh...
So I've been really stressed out, and just generally freaking out in all my spare time. Thursday night after work, I was doing my closeout stuff, getting ready to leave when I saw that Brazil was online. And I messaged him. I just wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. To someone. But I wanted it to be him. So I asked him if he had any weed, and if I could stop by and smoke.
Of course we ended up having sex. I won't deny it, but first let me give you some of the details of my visit...
I had no intentions of sleeping with him, although I can't deny that the thought crossed my mind. Scratch that, maybe I did subconsciously know I was going to sleep with him. Maybe that was what I wanted. Ugh, I don't know! Well when I got there, I sat across the way from him, not next to him, and I just unloaded everything. He donated to my camera fund by the way, and posted it to his facebook. So we're talking, and he says I look really sad, and I'm telling him why. And then out of nowhere, in the middle of our conversation about me finding a new place, he says, "I missed you."
I didn't say anything back. In fact, I didn't even acknowledge what he said. I just...lit the bowl. Then he leans in and tries to kiss me, but I turn away. Well this continues for a while, him trying to kiss me, me not letting him, and him getting frustrated and asking me why I won't kiss him. I say, "Why should I kiss you?" And he just keeps trying. I told him I don't trust him.
He says he doesn't want to use me. I say he already has. He gets a little mad about that, but he tells me again that he really misses me, and that he thought I wanted to come over to talk about us, so we could work things out. And he wants to keep seeing me.
I asked him what's changed, and he said he's been battling things. Refusing to see or speak to Stephanie. And I'm like, so...nothing's changed really. Then I tell him that even if I agreed to see him again, things could never just go back to the way they were.
He gets frustrated again. Then he asks me what it is I want from him, and I'm just like I dunno. Cuz I don't! I don't even know what I'm doing there, but I know it's a bad idea! We start listening to Jeff Buckley, my favorite. I blame Jeff for sleeping with him.
Afterwards I just felt shame. Pure, unadulterated shame. I quickly got dressed and said I needed to go.
"You don't need me to walk you out, do you?"
The most asshole-ish thing he could possibly say.
I roll my eyes, "No. Of course not." I say sarcastically. He doesn't pick up on it.
So I leave, planning to never speak to him again.

But then I text him again Friday after work, because I think I may have left the lens cap to my temporary camera at his place, and well...cuz I'm curious what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
I text him again last night. He responds this time, I ask him about the lens cap, he says he doesn't have it. I ask him what he's doing. He doesn't respond.
Now I'm irritated, because it's obvious he's avoiding me. And I'm super pissed at myself for letting him take advantage of me.
So this morning I get up, guns blazing about it, and I message him on facebook.

"So...did you mean any of that stuff you said the other night? or were you just saying that to get me to sleep with you?"

"Alright. Listen."

That always means bad news when he says, "listen".
Then he doesn't say anything for a while so I'm like, "I'd still like an answer."

Then he says, "im in love with stephanie. she's a terrible person, a bitch , a witch and i hate the myself for feeling the way i do, i hate myself everyday because of it. Yes, i enjoy ur company , and yes I do like you, and i miss hanging out with you, and there's nothing in the world id like more to forget that bitch and focus on you. but i cant control my feelings, and its killing me everyday."

"god
you are such an ass
ok
goodbye"

And I sign off.

And that is THE END of Brazil.
For real this time.

Baby Steps

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Quick Poll!

Alright quick poll:

So Brazil really loves blowjobs, duh, but I told him that that's a lot more personal for me (true!) and that I don't normally give BJ's unless I'm in a relationship. Mainly cuz I hate when I give them, and then the guy blows me off and I feel super used. I dunno why, but blowjobs make me feel that way WAY more than sex.
But I don't want him to lose interest either, so I've been thinking about giving him one, just to keep him intrigued. Good idea, or bad idea? Cuz I know that once I give him one, there's no going back...
Hurry I need answers!!!

Date at the Diner

Thursday and Friday at work totally sucked. So by Saturday, I was ready to let loose. Work was actually decent, and Brazil texted me early on, asking if I could come over later. He had his surgery or whatever on Thursday, and had been bored at home ever since. So he said he could use some company. He was pretty sore, and the doctor told him he should stay home and take it easy. So, since Brazil lives right down the street from work, I headed to his place when I got off. We hung out for a little bit and talked. He looked pretty worn out, hadn't shaved in a couple of days, and I could tell he wasn't feeling too hot. So we went to bed shortly afterwards. But once we were in bed, things started to sort of heat up... I told him maybe he should just take it easy what with his kidneys and all, but he said he would be ok. So we had some more awesome sex! Then we cuddled and finally fell asleep shortly before 6am.
The next day, we didn't wake up till around 1! He said he had band practice, and I had a lot of piano practicing to do myself, so I decided to head home. But as I was leaving, Brazil asked if I wanted to get dinner later. I smiled and told him sure.
So I spent the rest of the day practicing and laying around the house, till he texted me to make plans. We met at a small diner halfway between both of our houses and had dinner and milkshakes. It was great! And then we both just went our separate ways and went home. Even though we went dutch, I'm still counting it as an actual date. I'm liking him more and more every time we hang out.
His ex is apparently still a problem though... On Saturday night he mentioned that she had called him, but of course, he didn't wanna talk about it. And I didn't press him for details. If he says he doesn't have any intentions of getting back with her, I'm just going to take his word for it. For now anyway. Besides, I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket just yet. Brazil and I aren't exclusive or anything, so I'm still keeping my options open.
School started today and I had one class at 1pm. It wasn't bad, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays are gonna be rough. I've got 9am classes, and that means I have to get up at 6, which has never been easy for me with my schedule. I'll be lucky if I'm asleep by 2am tonight! ((Sigh))...

Rebound

So the other night after I blogged, I heard back from Brazil. He wanted me to come over and smoke with him. I hadn't smoked in a while, so I said sure. So I powdered my nose, spritzed on a little perfume and headed over there. I already knew he lived right down the street from Sophie and Brent, but it was my first time going to his place.
When I got there, he led me down some stairs, to a cozy little one bedroom apartment. We sat down on his couch, and he put on some tunes and loaded a bowl. We smoked a little and started talking about you know, whatever, small talk. Then the weed started to kick in. And all this time, I'd been thinking about all the stuff I really needed to talk to him about, and how I wasn't even going to kiss him until we'd actually had a conversation. So when he tried to kiss me, I stopped him.

"What? You're not going to kiss me?"

I couldn't help but giggle, in my present state of mind.

"Not yet. I wanna talk to you first."

"About what?"

"Well...I feel like maybe you've gotten the wrong impression of me."

"What do mean? I feel like I'm still getting to know you."

"Yes. You are, but..." I was having a hard time articulating what it was I wanted to say to him. And he kept looking at me very intensely and it was making me laugh. Lol.

"Look, I promised I would be honest with you, so whatever you want to know, just ask." He took my hand and I couldn't help but smile.

"Well, there are just a few things I want to be really clear about."

"Ok..."

"I just...um...I don't like to play games, I know I already told you that, but I just hate feeling like there are things that I wanna say, but I can't because you know, I'm not supposed to or whatever, and I just don't want you to think-"

"You're worried that I think you're easy or something?"

"No! Well...sort of, but probably not in the way that you're thinking"

"Cuz I don't think that all! Quite the opposite actually. I think you're really tough."

"Just...let me finish. Sorry it's taking me so long to say this. This whole conversation is seeming like it's a much bigger deal than it really is just because I'm high and I can't talk." I laughed, again. Lol.

"Well it's nice to see you smile, and to see you laugh." He smiled at me and tried to kiss me again, but I still wouldn't let him.

"Stop!" I said through giggles.

"What? You don't wanna kiss me?"

"It's not that I don't wanna kiss you! I just wanna finish this conversation first."

He sighed, "Ok."

"Ok. So what I was saying was, I'm just not a very patient person, and I like to know what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to just wait around for something that's never going to happen. I mean I can be patient, if I know I'm actually waiting for something, in the end, but...

"I know what you mean, and I know things seem to be moving kind of slow, but that's just because school started this week for me, and I've got my surgery Thursday..."

"No, no, that's not it. I think the pace is fine, it's not that! I just...I don't want to be your rebound."
He paused as if he was really thinking about what I'd said.

"I...never thought about it that way."

"Well, of course you didn't. And that's exactly why I have to think that way. It's just...I know you recently got out of a relationship, and my last breakup was...messy and confusing, and it took me over a year to get over it, and if you have any residual feelings for your ex, then I just don't want to get in the middle of that. I don't just wanna be that girl that's distracting you from the way you really feel about her."

"Listen, I know I have some stuff to deal with still, but I don't have feelings for her anymore. I mean I'm still upset about what happened, but I've moved on to a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking ahead. She's just driving me crazy because she broke up with me but now she wants me back! And she's saying she regrets everything, and putting all this pressure on me and it's just annoying! I mean I don't understand why she did it in the first place. It's like, 'You broke up with me!'  And you know it's like the first time I was dumped, that's the worst, right?" (He laughed at his own joke there and I smiled), "It's just...bothersome. I don't have feelings for her anymore like that. I'm sorry for making you deal with all my baggage."

"Don't apologize. You're not making me do anything. I wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna be."

And then he leaned in and I let him kiss me, finally. And then we talked, smoked, laughed and played some more. And then I asked him to play me a few songs on the guitar. He's really good too! So hot...and then finally, we had sex. And OMG he is like really, really good in the sex department! I mean last time when he went down on me was...wow, but the sex was...also wow. I mean he is very well endowed first of all, and second he's so...passionate, and uninhibited, and so in sync with me. He's not a selfish lover at all. He's very eager to please. It was amazing. Then we laid there and just talked for like hours! Mostly about music, but about other stuff too. And finally we went to sleep, in each others arms. ((Sigh)) It was wonderful. I really like him. I really feel like this could go somewhere. It all just seems so...effortless.


Tonight I went to dinner and then the improv theater with Sophie to see a couple shows. And guess who I saw there?? Lane. It was only a little bit strange. He looked good. We exchanged "hey how are yous" and that was about it. I wondered what it would be like to date him again, and then I thought of Brazil and just smiled to myself at my good fortune.
Anyway, Sophie and I had a lot of fun. One last hoorah before school starts Monday. Then things are gonna start getting hectic for me again. I hope Brazil and I can still manage to find time to hang out.
So just one question for all my readers out there... Do you believe Brazil? About the ex thing I mean? Or should I be more cautious?