Growing Up

Well this weekend was a killer. My dad was here, so that meant working late every night and still getting up early every morning to go do stuff. It was fun though, and nice to see my dad. But now that he's gone, it's also kind of a relief that I don't have to do anything tomorrow or the next day. Lol.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, and eating leftovers and thinking to myself how much I love my apartment. It might be small, and it might not have central air, but it's mine. All mine. My stuff, my space, my decor...it's just great. And I couldn't be happier about it.
Tomorrow, Warren's band is playing at a small venue downtown, and me, Abbie and another girl from work, Kylie, are all going. Speaking of Abbie, I've been feeling a little...tired of her lately. Well, that's kind of harsh for me to say, actually. Tired of her isn't the right way to put it. I've just been feeling a little too old for her lately. I mean since when did I become always the grown up?? It's so weird. But it's like...her friends all suck. Most of them do coke, and are super immature drama queens, and then it's like she hooks up with a different guy almost every weekend, and half the time she doesn't even use protection! I already had to go get Plan B for her once, and I feel like I have mother-daughter conversations with her on a weekly basis:

"Abbie. You can't just have unprotected sex with complete strangers. You could literally get an STD, or get pregnant, or worse!" 

"Abbie. Why the hell are you friends with that girl?? She was coked up the whole day and trying to pick fights with everyone." 

"Abbie. Your friend just puked on her shoes."

 "Abbie. It's 9am and you're still drunk from the night before." 

And she always just has some excuse, usually, "I know, it was stupid, I was just really wasted." 

WTF!? I've had plenty of drunk, stupid sex in my time, but I don't remember ever being that irresponsible. And it's taxing, to be honest! To be constantly listening to her tell me about all the stupid-ass situations she gets herself into with guys, and her friends who are all alcoholics and a horrible influence. Ugh... I can't wait till her twin sister, Reagan, moves back from Germany next month. She's great - married to a guy in the military (he's been stationed in Germany but is about to be deployed), she's mature, and still fun, and definitely the kind of stability I think Abbie needs in her life right now. Because I don't think I can handle any more train wreck friends. Is it selfish of me to be thinking this way?? I mean, I love Abbie, and she's probably the best friend I've made here in Chicago so far, but to me these are red flags. Right?? But I mean, she's only 2 years younger than me! I don't remember being that...crazy at 26. Was I?? Maybe I should go back and read some old posts. But it is weird reflecting on my own maturity. I may not be the best when it comes to managing my money, but when it comes to my lifestyle, my friends, school, and my health, I'm pretty damn responsible. And that's definitely more than I can say for the person I was 3 years ago.
So maybe I just need some more grown up friends. Or maybe I'm just ready to move on from...wherever it is I'm stuck right now. ((Sigh)) Baby steps.

Just A Normal Tuesday?

Well, Valentine's Day is coming to a close and I haven't heard from Brazil all day. I mean...on the one hand, I didn't really want to make a big deal out of today, and as far as days go, it was a swell day! Pretty much just a normal Tuesday.
But on the other hand, it would have been nice to at least get a text message from him. But nope! No contact whatsoever. ((Sigh))

Now what? Should I be worried, or not look into it at all?

What Should I Expect?

Things with Brazil and I have been going very well. Almost...too well? Lol maybe I'm just being weird, but I can't help but waiting for the other shoe to drop. He says he enjoys my company more and more every time he sees me, and when I'm busy with school, which is pretty often these days, he asks, "Well when am I gonna see you?" Lol. It's sweet! Although, one of my readers, Janelle, has brought up an interesting point in the comments. It doesn't really seem like we are taking it slow, so...what are we doing? I mean he's told me a couple times that he wants to go slow, but it doesn't seem like we are, so I don't know what that means. I think I'll ask him...
Anyway, Valentine's Day is coming up ((barf!)) and it's starting to make me nervous because I don't know what or if I should expect anything? I don't mean like gifts or anything, I never expect stuff like that. But I mean I don't know if he's gonna want to hang out, or just pretend V-Day doesn't exist? I just don't know!
What I do know is that this might be the most honest "relationship" (for lack of a better word) that I've ever been in. I don't have to worry about ever walking on eggshells, or saying the wrong thing to him because he doesn't play games with me! He tells me what he wants, and what he's thinking, and I do the same. But this situation is a little hairy...I don't want to bring up Valentine's Day to him, because then he's automatically going to think I want or expect something. But I don't wanna tell him like, "Oh, let's not celebrate Valentine's Day" either, because if he does want to do something, I don't wanna discourage him either! ((Sigh))

Ok he and I are having a facebook conversation right now (he's at work) about taking it slow, and he what he means by it. Lol. Here ya go:

Me: Hey are you busy? I have to ask you something.

Brazil: ask!


Me: well a while back you told me you wanted to take things slow, but I don't really feel like we are...do you?? lol. I guess I just wanna know what your definition of "take it slow" is.

Brazil: mmm 
Brazil: idk 
Brazil: lol

Me: lol well i don't know either!

Brazil: i guess we are. I mean, we're not seeing each other everyday... there are no big commitments made... we're kinda taking it day by day i'd say

Me: well no...but i don't see any one person EVERY DAY. except Jasper

Brazil: haha right


Me: hmmm
Me: well i'm happy with the way things are now, but if you meet someone else, i want to know. especially if you start seeing someone else, because...that would be weird.

Brazil: oh yeah, fair enough!
Brazil: of course id say
Brazil: i have lots of consideration for u
Brazil: to be quite honest, i feel like im getting to know u, and feeling the ground to see if we're compatible... i like what i see so far, thats all i can say
Brazil: meeting someone else its not on the agenda so far btw.. lol


Me: so how do you know if someone is compatible or not??

Brazil: time

Me: well yes, obviously, but i mean...how do you know? lol
Me: i feel like that's something i know right away. but your definitely of compatible might be different than mine

Brazil: i'll say this, im kinda of afraid of being mega committed right now, you know why, but at the same time im not going to go out and start seeing other people as if i was mega available, you know what i mean?
Brazil: im not that clueless
Brazil: lol

Me: You say "mega" alot. lol.


Brazil: cause its MEGA!!! :P

Me: lol you're ridiculous.
Me: ok so what you're saying is, you don't want to make a commitment to anyone, but you're not acting like you're available either
Me: am I right?




Brazil: im saying i dont want a huge commitment right now, Im still dealing with shit, and even though every day things get easier, and i get more light headed, Im still getting back to normal. Yes, im not gonna go out hooking up to anyone ramdomly if thats what ur asking
Brazil: right now, im going out with you, and If i ever felt interested or felt the need to see someone else, you'd be the first to know


So there you have it, my friends. Thoughts?

Rebound

So the other night after I blogged, I heard back from Brazil. He wanted me to come over and smoke with him. I hadn't smoked in a while, so I said sure. So I powdered my nose, spritzed on a little perfume and headed over there. I already knew he lived right down the street from Sophie and Brent, but it was my first time going to his place.
When I got there, he led me down some stairs, to a cozy little one bedroom apartment. We sat down on his couch, and he put on some tunes and loaded a bowl. We smoked a little and started talking about you know, whatever, small talk. Then the weed started to kick in. And all this time, I'd been thinking about all the stuff I really needed to talk to him about, and how I wasn't even going to kiss him until we'd actually had a conversation. So when he tried to kiss me, I stopped him.

"What? You're not going to kiss me?"

I couldn't help but giggle, in my present state of mind.

"Not yet. I wanna talk to you first."

"About what?"

"Well...I feel like maybe you've gotten the wrong impression of me."

"What do mean? I feel like I'm still getting to know you."

"Yes. You are, but..." I was having a hard time articulating what it was I wanted to say to him. And he kept looking at me very intensely and it was making me laugh. Lol.

"Look, I promised I would be honest with you, so whatever you want to know, just ask." He took my hand and I couldn't help but smile.

"Well, there are just a few things I want to be really clear about."

"Ok..."

"I just...um...I don't like to play games, I know I already told you that, but I just hate feeling like there are things that I wanna say, but I can't because you know, I'm not supposed to or whatever, and I just don't want you to think-"

"You're worried that I think you're easy or something?"

"No! Well...sort of, but probably not in the way that you're thinking"

"Cuz I don't think that all! Quite the opposite actually. I think you're really tough."

"Just...let me finish. Sorry it's taking me so long to say this. This whole conversation is seeming like it's a much bigger deal than it really is just because I'm high and I can't talk." I laughed, again. Lol.

"Well it's nice to see you smile, and to see you laugh." He smiled at me and tried to kiss me again, but I still wouldn't let him.

"Stop!" I said through giggles.

"What? You don't wanna kiss me?"

"It's not that I don't wanna kiss you! I just wanna finish this conversation first."

He sighed, "Ok."

"Ok. So what I was saying was, I'm just not a very patient person, and I like to know what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to just wait around for something that's never going to happen. I mean I can be patient, if I know I'm actually waiting for something, in the end, but...

"I know what you mean, and I know things seem to be moving kind of slow, but that's just because school started this week for me, and I've got my surgery Thursday..."

"No, no, that's not it. I think the pace is fine, it's not that! I just...I don't want to be your rebound."
He paused as if he was really thinking about what I'd said.

"I...never thought about it that way."

"Well, of course you didn't. And that's exactly why I have to think that way. It's just...I know you recently got out of a relationship, and my last breakup was...messy and confusing, and it took me over a year to get over it, and if you have any residual feelings for your ex, then I just don't want to get in the middle of that. I don't just wanna be that girl that's distracting you from the way you really feel about her."

"Listen, I know I have some stuff to deal with still, but I don't have feelings for her anymore. I mean I'm still upset about what happened, but I've moved on to a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking ahead. She's just driving me crazy because she broke up with me but now she wants me back! And she's saying she regrets everything, and putting all this pressure on me and it's just annoying! I mean I don't understand why she did it in the first place. It's like, 'You broke up with me!'  And you know it's like the first time I was dumped, that's the worst, right?" (He laughed at his own joke there and I smiled), "It's just...bothersome. I don't have feelings for her anymore like that. I'm sorry for making you deal with all my baggage."

"Don't apologize. You're not making me do anything. I wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna be."

And then he leaned in and I let him kiss me, finally. And then we talked, smoked, laughed and played some more. And then I asked him to play me a few songs on the guitar. He's really good too! So hot...and then finally, we had sex. And OMG he is like really, really good in the sex department! I mean last time when he went down on me was...wow, but the sex was...also wow. I mean he is very well endowed first of all, and second he's so...passionate, and uninhibited, and so in sync with me. He's not a selfish lover at all. He's very eager to please. It was amazing. Then we laid there and just talked for like hours! Mostly about music, but about other stuff too. And finally we went to sleep, in each others arms. ((Sigh)) It was wonderful. I really like him. I really feel like this could go somewhere. It all just seems so...effortless.


Tonight I went to dinner and then the improv theater with Sophie to see a couple shows. And guess who I saw there?? Lane. It was only a little bit strange. He looked good. We exchanged "hey how are yous" and that was about it. I wondered what it would be like to date him again, and then I thought of Brazil and just smiled to myself at my good fortune.
Anyway, Sophie and I had a lot of fun. One last hoorah before school starts Monday. Then things are gonna start getting hectic for me again. I hope Brazil and I can still manage to find time to hang out.
So just one question for all my readers out there... Do you believe Brazil? About the ex thing I mean? Or should I be more cautious?

All About Matty

Oh g's... I just got home! It's 5:25 am! Lol. I worked the upstairs bar again tonight, with AJ and Matty. We had a lot of fun, and I definitely got Matty back for his pranks last week. I totally iced him when he was least expecting it! I hid a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in the dishwasher. Lol. We made pretty good money too, and somehow, AJ convinced me to go out for a couple drinks afterwards. I didn't even realize there were bars that stayed open till 5am here! So AJ, Matty and I rode together in AJ's car to this bar called Monopoly. When we got there, it was obvious that everyone who works at Monopoly knows everyone that works at my bar. Lol. A few minutes later, my boss, Martin, showed up. How weird is that? I totally feel like he doesn't like me, cuz he's so serious all the time, and hardly ever smiles. But he bought us all shots. Of Jameson. Ugh. I never drink whiskey, but I didn't wanna be singled out, and I really do wanna just quit being "the new girl" and be one of the gang. So I took it. Definitely stopped drinking after that. Omg. Just thinking about it right now is making my stomach to flip-flops.
But anyway, we were only there for about an hour before they closed, and I spent the majority of that time talking to Matty. It turns out, he's a musician! He sings and plays guitar, and has his own acoustic shows. So we talked about music for a long time. He's really nice, Matty. And he's...different somehow. I like him. I know that. I just haven't decided how much I like him. I mean, he's only 23, which is obviously a setback, but before I knew he was 23, I just assumed he was at least 25 because he seemed so mature. Which is rare, not just for guys in general, but especially for guys his age. Most 23 year old guys act like total assholes. But not Matty. Since we both rode in AJ's car, we took a cab together back to the bar where his car was, and he drove me home from there. He refused to let me pitch in on the cab, cuz he said he believes chivalry is not dead, and he is a gentleman; a dying breed. ((Sigh))
He kind of reminds me of Aaron, my good friend from the bar in Houston. They're both so sweet, and genuine and unaffected by the bar industry. That seems really hard to come by. So all logic is pointing towards I should go for Matty. The only thing is, his ex came into the bar tonight, and he pointed her out to me. She's blond, wears tons of makeup, and was obviously flaunting her new boyfriend in front of Matty. I would give her a 6 out of 10 as far as looks go, but mainly I was just so shocked that Matty would ever go for a girl like her. She seemed so shallow and fake. And he's totally the opposite of that. But he told me he feels like she's the one that "got away". Ugh... So I dunno. He clearly has some unresolved issues where she's concerned. Oh, and his longest relationship is 6 months. He told me he averages about 2 months. !?! Lol. That's like...the worst part of a relationship. The first 2 months. That's the part where you're trying to figure out what's really going on between you and this other person, and it's always so nerve racking trying to figure out what they want. And then usually after 2 or 3 months, you finally get comfortable and don't have to stress about every little thing. It's like he's in a state of perpetual dating! Which sounds like torture to me. But he is young. And I am biased, because I hate dating. ((Sigh))
I know I've had a couple drinks but...I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do, or not do, about this Matty situation. We do work together, which is bad. But he's in school, and motivated to go somewhere in life. He's a gentleman, he's attractive, he's a musician like me, and he's funny.... So what's stopping me from going for it?