Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Brazil is Back

Over the last couple of months, Brazil and I have chatted here and there, our conversations always initiated by him. But his texts have become more and more frequent as of late, and yesterday he finally said, "I wanna take you out on a date."
My reaction was basically this: Why? You never even took me on an actual date when we were actually "dating". And secondly, I feel like his two attempts to kiss me over the summer were merely out of convenience, because even though he still might feel something there between us, he hasn't actually tried pursuing me (until now I guess) and I don't want to date someone who is only mildly interested in me, I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. And that is exactly what I told him.

He said he knows he messed up before and he still has feelings for me and wants to try again, "the right way", taking things slowly. And he said he would like to take me out on a date this week. I told him I would think about it.

And here's my major dysfunction. On the one hand, I've had a lot of time to reflect back on our relationship (if you can even call it that), and aside from the fact that he screwed me over and then lied about it, there are so many reasons why I know he and I would never work out. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't think we are on the same level mentally or emotionally. He's somewhat arrogant, and that drives me crazy, and he's stubborn and closed-minded about a lot of things. And as far as guys go in general, I just don't feel like I'm missing out on anything really. I mean yea, sure, I get lonely from time to time, but I don't feel like I need a guy in my life right now. That's not to say that if somebody awesome came along I would just dismiss him but, you know. And as for the superficial things, I'm not really attracted to him in that way anymore, he's too short for me, and I am just very busy. So those are all the reasons why I should say no to going out with him.

But on the other hand, I honestly can't say when was the last time I went on an actual date! And if he really does just want to take it slow, then what's the harm in going out with him, just once for starters, and hanging out, talking, no pressure? And then of course there's the fact that we had really great sex once upon a time. But I'm far enough removed from that situation to where A) Although I know the sex was great, I don't remember it like it was me. I don't miss it; it's like it was like another version of myself sleeping with him, and even though my brain knows the sex was great, I don't get all hot and bothered thinking about it anymore because I don't really feel the connection physically or emotionally anymore and B) I'm not sure I want to put myself in a situation where if I end up sleeping with him, I'll feel like I can't stop seeing him because the sex is too good. ((Sigh))

It is really nice to be pursued in such a direct way though. It's flattering, and I like having all the power in the situation. But I don't want to do anything for the wrong reasons, and if he texts me again, I don't want him to think that answering a simple yes or no question requires me to consult a jury. By tomorrow the week will already be half over. So what do I do? Do I go out with him? Or do I avoid the situation entirely?