Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Update Continued...

Omg, Rusty sent me a myspace message today!
He said he tried requesting me, but I require a last name, so he couldn't. Haha. My plan totally worked!! We've been messaging back and forth for a while now. :)
Anyways, I need to finish updating you all on my week. I haven't seen or spoken to John since Wednesday night. Bethany and I drove up to our old college town on Thursday. We both went to the same school, but we didn't know each other when we were there. Weird, huh? But anyways, our trip wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We felt old, and out of place. Everyone there is just so...different. I mean they're all at a different place in their lives, ya know?? And I've already moved on from that part of my life so it's just not fun anymore. Not the way I remembered it. But I mean, we did have fun. Just...not what we were expecting. We crashed in a hotel after a night of bar hopping. Then we drove back the next day cuz we both had to work.
Saturday night I requested off because I WENT TO THE JOURNEY CONCERT!!!! It was amazing!! My Dad got tickets right when they went on sale, and decided to take ME!! Our seats were really good too! Like, tenth row back. Great view. Their new singer sounds so much like Steve Perry, it's insane!
So anyways, I stayed at my parents' house that night since I rode with my dad. Then I went to church with them the next morning. After church we went out to lunch with Todd's family. He's in town till tomorrow. Him and his girlfriend are back together. :/
I don't think I'll ever get a chance with Todd, no matter how much I think about it, and wish for it. ((sigh))
Anyways, last night was the night I finally organized my apartment. I threw out all the empty boxes. Mondays are trash days, luckily, so when I set out my trash it ended up being like a 6-feet high tower!! I felt so bad, I left a note for the trash guys. Lol.
This morning, I got up, swam my laps, and then got ready to go my Aunt Suzanne's house in Spring. My Aunt Jessica, Uncle David, Noelle, and Maddox were in town. If you can't remember these people, see my post titled The Peyton Family Tree. Anyway, they're my cousins. So I went up to see them, since they live in Louisiana and we hardly ever get to see each other!
So, remember The Frenchman?? The guy my Aunt Jessica wanted to set me up with? Well, apparently he's not completely out of the picture! Aunt Jessica told me today that she told his mom about me! Lol. And they have this plan to get us to meet. He has to take his nephew down to Houston for something, and they're gonna come to the zoo, and I'm supposed to give them a tour. Lol. I'm sure he has no idea about any of this. But I'm down! It was so funny listening to my aunt talk about how hot he is.
Also, my Aunt Suzanne is finally getting remarried this November, right after Thanksgiving. So Jessica thinks he should be my wedding date. I told her I'd much rather it be an official, out in the open fix-up, than an awkward "accidental" meeting, where we both know what's really going on, but neither of us feels comfortable talking about it. You know what I mean?? I'd rather just go all out. What's the worst that could happen??
My step-cousin, Holly, (Aunt Suzanne's step daughter from her ex-husband's previous marriage) was at the table with us when we were talking about this, and she was saying she wants to go out with him! Ugh. That's all I need is competition. But I made it very clear to her that I had first dibs!
Anyways, overall, I had a nice, fun, relaxing day with my family. I really needed that. Because this week is hell week for me. I'm working 5 shifts, all closing, all consecutive, starting today. It's going to suck.
But hey, I've got bills to pay!
And on August 6th I'm going to Austin, because Rikki is gonna be in town from Washington State!!! I haven't seen her since Megan's wedding! It's gonna be so much fun. And nice to be around my truest friends. Ahhhh...

I'm Still Here!

Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy with moving. Finally, just last night, I got my apartment clean, and looking like someone actually lives here! And just that in itself has alleviated so much stress! I'm sitting comfortably on my couch right now, watching season two of The Office. I just started watching it, and it's pretty freakin' hilarious so far! I LOVE living by myself! It's so liberating, so relaxing, so...AMAZING! Seriously, I just haven't been this happy about anything in a while.
As for Daniel, I'm slowly starting to heal. I can actually go almost a whole day without thinking about him now. And I don't flinch when he pops into my head, or when I hear his name anymore. So...it's starting to get easier, I guess. I haven't seen him at all either so...that probably helps.
Anyways, I have a lot to update you guys on, so I better get started!

Ok, so last Tuesday there was this huge industry party hosted by Red Bull. It was free alcohol and stuff, and only bartenders/bar industry peeps could go, because Red Bull handed out limited passes. So anyways, most of my coworkers were there, and we all got realllllly smashed! I ended up drinking, then going out to the car with Misty and Bethany to smoke, then drinking some more, so I was feeling pretty good.
So, after we came back inside from smoking, John walked up and started talking to me. He was pretty drunk too, and when he gets drunk, he's like...a different person. Literally. Normally he's very composed, and reserved, and calm. When he drinks, it's the complete opposite!
So we're talking, I can't remember about what, and then he says, "Hey could you hold this for me, cuz I think I might drop it."
He was referring to his drink. I had my drink and purse in my left hand, but I took his drink in my right, and gave him a confused look.
"Okaayyy..." I said.
Then he grabs my face in both of his hands and starts kissing me! I was so shocked, I didn't really know how to react! I mean, I froze! And all these emotions were going through my head! Surprise, relief, exhilaration, embarrassment, amusement, anger... I was surprised first, then excited that it was really happening, then embarrassed that everyone was watching, then I kind of wanted to laugh, and then I'd had enough, but he wouldn't let me go when I tried pushing him off me, so I got kinda mad. Lol. And he still wouldn't let go of me! It was like he had me in a vice! And to top it all off, all my coworkers were watching, whooping, and taking pictures!! Then Mr. P. walks up, puts his arms around us both and starts singing... Oh my god, it was horrible. But we were both pretty drunk, and apparently it happened more than once.
Because it was all I heard about for the next week.
The next day, I woke up not knowing what to think. I mean John was really hammered, and towards the end of the night, he was so drunk it was getting obnoxious. I mean he threw an empty beer bottle down Mr. S.'s stairs and then passed out on the kitchen counter. Seriously. Kind of a turnoff. ((sigh))
Oh, and this was after he told me he loved me.

Ok so, I had some mixed emotions about it. Mostly because I just didn't want it to happen that way, you know?? I don't like drunk John. I like sober John. ((sigh))
Well I had to go to work Wednesday, and I was dreading all the humiliation I was gonna have to put up with. And Mark of course never let me hear the end of it. Neither did Mr. P., Mr. S. or anyone else that saw for that matter. Which was, apparently, a lot of people. ((sigh)) But oh well. It has to blow over sometime.
Well that night at work, we had a new band play. Not really a band actually, an acoustic act. Just 2 guys and 2 guitars. And one of them was really hot. I mean, the singing, guitar-playing thing is always sexy, but aside from that? HOT. So I got off around 11, and I stayed to have a couple drinks with a couple of the door guys, and Johnny, our regular acoustic guitar guy on Saturdays. And of course, John shows up. It was awkward. That goes without saying.
Well, during one of the band's set breaks, Mr. Rockstar himself approaches our little group. Apparently him and Johnny go way back. He wasn't really hanging out with everyone though, just Johnny, but I kept catching him staring at me. Not even just then, but before, from across the room. But I figured it was probably because I was staring at him. Lol. You know how you can just feel someone looking at you??
So anyways, when they went back up to play, Johnny came up to the bar and sat down next to me.
"Rusty was asking me about you." He said.
"Yea, the guy in the band. He was like, 'Who's that? She's hot.'" He replied.
"Really??" I said, trying not to sound too eager, "Well what did you tell him??"
"I told him you were a cool chick, really awesome at piano. He loves piano! He tries to play, but he's not very good. He's way better at guitar. Then I asked him if he wanted me to introduce you, but he said no, cuz that would be too obvious."
"Well did you tell him that I'm single?!" I asked, eyes wide.
"Why? Do you like him?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I don't know! I don't even know him. But I'm definitely interested..." I smirked as I started to think about the possibilities.
"Well you should get to know him. He's a cool guy. I've known him for years. We should all hang out sometime!" He suggested.
"Ok, yea. That sounds good."
"Ok, well we'll talk about it when we get to IHOP later." Johnny said.
"What?! We can't talk about it then! Not in front of...people." I hissed.
"What? Ohhhhh... You mean John? He already knows."
"Huh?? Knows what!?" I started to panic.
"Well, he was standing right there when Rusty came up and asked me about you."
"Oh." More like Oh shit was what I was thinking in my head. But it's just as well.
So the next set break they took, I walked up to a group of them standing around and Rusty said, "Who's this?"
"Oh! This is Peyton. Peyton, Rusty." Johnny introduced us, and we shook hands.
I blushed.
I invited him to go to IHOP with us, but he rode with his bandmate, so he had to pass.
But when I got home that night, I friend requested their band on myspace. Not him personally, but the band! Pretty smooth, huh?

Anyways, that's not all the boy drama for Wednesday night. There's more!
When we were getting ready to leave for IHOP John asked to ride with me.
"What? Why? That doesn't make any sense! I live right by IHOP now, and you live in the other direction." I pointed out.
"Yea but...I was hoping to stay at your place tonight..."
I cut him off.
"Well, it's just that my power went out earlier. There was some kind of electrical explosion." He explained.
"Hmmm... Well...just take your own car anyways. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I have a lot of shit to do. We'll talk about it at IHOP."
I wasn't lying about the out of town thing. Bethany and I planned a trip to our old college town just for Thursday night because we both happened to be off. But I really just wasn't comfortable with the idea of John staying over!
1) My apartment was still not in shape for company. I mean, boxes everywhere, laundry strewn about, shit just...in really random places and all unorganized....
2) I was mildly disgusted with John from the night before, and mildly disgusted with myself for letting it happen, and then after hearing about it all freaking day, I just...didn't wanna think about it anymore. About HIM anymore. Know what I mean??
Plus, I wasn't sure what exactly he was assuming about us, or about anything really. Not that I thought he wanted to come over with the intentions of sleeping with me or anything! He told me he'd sleep on the couch but still! I just felt weird about it. And that's never a good situation to be in. So I decided I was gonna have to tell him no.
So we went to IHOP. Me, John, Bethany and Mark. We ate, they made fun of me some more, I got pissed, then it was time to go.
"So are you gonna let me make use of your couch tonight?" John asked as I was getting into my car.
"How do you know your power is even still out?" I asked.
"Because it was still out when I left! And it's 4 am on a Wednesday, I doubt they're going to fix it till tomorrow."
I sighed. "This is just really not a good time for me to be having anyone spend the night!"
"I let you crash at my place twice." He argued.
"WHAT!? I can't believe you're using that against me! That was totally different! I had to drive you home, because you were practically incapacitated drunk! And then I was going to have to drive another 30 minutes just to get to my house! And you asked me to stay!"
He huffed and started to protest.
"Well now the answer is definitely no, because I'm mad at you!" I said.
"Alright then. Fair enough." He said, and walked off.
I slammed my door shut and left. I still can't believe the audacity of him. UGh...

Well, I think I'm going to end with that, because this post is ridiculously long. I'll finish up with the rest of the drama tomorrow!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Moving In And Moving On...NOT.

So I am officially living in my new apartment! It's sooo nice! My own space, all to myself, with no one to consult about anything!! Everything is still in boxes right now though, because my entire weekend has consisted of moving and working. And today I slept till 3 o'clock cuz I was so exhausted. ((sigh))
Bethany is gonna help me decorate and paint my bedroom. She's reallllly good at interior design! We start painting tomorrow. I'm so excited!
I had to work tonight, even though I don't normally work Sundays. It was horrible. But John is back from his trip. You guys remember John right?? The guy with all the sexual tension?? And just so you know, that hasn't gone away! Anyways, he was on some trip for a couple months for school; a geographical survey or something. But tonight, he worked the door and I closed the bar, so it was just the 2 of us at closing time. And we were sitting and talking while I was counting tips. And he was telling me about what he wants to do when he finishes school, and I found myself getting lost in his words, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. Would his kiss be gentle or firm? What his hands would feel like in my hair, and how my heart would race... Then I snapped out of it, and he was in the middle of telling me something about insurgents in Iraq. He was in the marines. ((sigh)) I wonder if anything will ever come of me and John.
Anyways, these fanciful thoughts of mine, are unfortunately few and far between. And I say that because they are certainly a nice destraction from the constant ache of yearning for Daniel. Now that I'm living practically across the street from him, it's gotten worse. I keep dreading, and hoping that I'll run into him.
Speaking of which, Jenna has been hanging out with him, almost on a regular basis. And that really bothers me, because on top of that, she never calls me anymore! And I've been so depressed lately, I just wish I knew I could depend on the people that I used to count among my good friends. It's strange how people's true colors start to show when you really need them. The only people who have really been there for me are Melissa, Bethany and Izzie. Always Izzie. She is the most loyal friend I've ever had. I'm not too happy with Alyssa either. As soon as Russ got back from his mission trip, she stopped calling me. ((sigh))
Melissa and Tim broke up last week, so we've been hanging out a lot...commiserating mostly. But it's nice to just have someone to talk to who really understands. She actually gets what I'm going through, and she empathizes.
It's kind of weird, because she points out things about me in a way that is so...black and white; she puts them in a new light that I wouldn't ever think of.
For example, the other day while we were at dinner she said she couldn't believe how bad Daniel broke me. So bad that I have to drug myself to numb the pain. She was referring to my more frequent smoking of course. But....((sigh)) she's right. And it makes me sad to think about it. I don't understand how I let him get so deep inside of me. I rarely even let people under my skin, let alone into my heart.
Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Three Words

It must have been almost 4 am when I got to his apartment. It had been a long night at work. I opened the sliding door as quietly as I could. The lights were off. I knew he was probably already asleep.
I crept into his bedroom, and there he was, all sprawled out on the bed diagonally, in his underwear, with the covers spread awkwardly across him. I couldn't help but smile. He looks like a little boy when he sleeps.
I got undressed and crawled into bed next to him. He barely stirred. I leaned over and whispered his name. He didn't move. So I kissed his cheek and rolled over to go to sleep. I was still smiling.
About a half hour later, he woke up. Confused and disoriented as people do when they're woken from a deep sleep.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, concern coloring my voice.
"My head is killing me." He said.
"Do you want some Advil?? I have some in my purse."
"Do you have any water?"
"Yes. There's some right here." I gestured to the night stand as I dug through my purse for my travel pack of Advil.
After he took the pills, he laid back down, face up, staring at the ceiling.
Poor baby, I thought.
I rolled onto my side to face him and began running my fingers through his hair. He sighed and closed his eyes.
I continued to rub his head for almost 15 minutes, lightly tugging his hair, just the way he likes. Finally his breathing evened out; deep and calm.
But I kept running my ringers through his hair, gazing at him and thinking...
I thought he was asleep, but I guess he was still half awake because then he said,
"Why do you do it?"
His voice was barely a whisper, and heavy with sleep.
I smiled.
"Because I love you."
It was the first time I'd said it to him.
He rolled over and wrapped me in his embrace, so tight and warm. And I fell asleep feeling like nothing could ever go wrong again.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I really wanna e-mail him. Daniel, I mean. I don't know why, or even what I would say.
"Hey, Peyton here... Just wanted to tell you I'm still madly in love with you and I want you back. Not any chance of that happening I suppose...?"

What's wrong with me!?
Is this just one of those psychological things where I can't let him go because he "got away" or something??
Why do I think about him 24/7?
Why does EVERYTHING remind me of him?
Why do I seem to have this unhealthy obsession with him, when he clearly does NOT feel the same way about me???


I wanna forget about what we had, I wanna forget about how I felt about him, how I still feel about him, I wanna forget about us, I wanna forget about him.

And here's the worst part...
I have a confession to make.
I have a new crutch.
Something that really helps me to not think about him.
Helps me to not think about anything in particular really, except how incredibly light and happy I feel when I'm doing it.
And if you haven't figured out what I'm talking about yet, then I'll tell you all before you start spinning any wild stories.
About twice a week with Bethany, or Mark from work, or whenever I go out on the boat. I don't do it alone, or everyday or anything. Just in social settings. I kind of replaced drinking with smoking ever since my horrible drinking incident at Tug's party which landed me in Evan's bed, past out drunk after an hour of puking. (Let me remind you all, that was the day he dumped me.) Ugh...
I didn't write about it before because I know what kind of reaction I'm going to get. An onslaught of judgmental, berating comments. But at this point...I don't even give a fuck. Seriously. Who cares about anything anymore??
My life is a suckfest.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Fourth of July Weekend

Ahhh it's been a long week. My Fourth of July kind of sucked... Alyssa and I were supposed to go out on the boat, but it rained the whole day. So we just bummed around her house for a few hours, before she had to go to ((wince)) Daniel's to visit her Dad. He was in town just for the weekend. She tried to convince me to go with her, but I was like "NO WAY!" As much as I still care about Daniel, I really don't think I can handle seeing him. Especially not in that kind of setting. So she called me from his house and put Delilah on the phone. I miss that little girl so much! She kept asking me when I was coming over, and telling me I was gonna miss the fireworks. ((sigh)) Why do these things always have to get so complicated and fucked up? It SUCKS!
Well, I met up with Alyssa in midtown later and we ate dinner. Then, after dinner, we discovered that Alyssa's car got towed! So I had to loan her the money and drive her over to the lot to get it. It was awful. Although we did get lots of free shots with our sob story. Lol.
Sunday, Bethany and I went up to Mr. P.'s lake house in Conroe with most of our coworkers. We had lots of fun and I got a pretty good tan! And I sure was exhausted after that trip.
Yesterday, Bethany, Tug and Evan and I went and saw Wall-E. I really liked it! It was so cute. Oh, and Evan's car got towed too!!! What is with this crap lately!? So I had to drive Evan to get his truck, but at least I didn't have to fork over another 200 dollars.
Anyways, today is the day I hear back from my new apartments about my application. I mean there's no reason why I shouldn't be approved, so why am I so nervous?!? Urgh.
Things with Baseball Guy are just not gonna work out. I saw him again yesterday when I was hanging out with Bethany and Tug, and I just...I'm not attracted to him. AT ALL. And I'm still totally and absolutely hung up on Daniel. Only The Model was able to distract my attention completely away from him. And it was just for a second!
Yep, that's right. The Model.
I saw Mitchell on Saturday night. He came into my bar, and we chatted for a minute. He said that The Model and he planned a short trip down to surprise their parents. And he said they would both be back August 10th, and "We need to all hang out!" Mitchell has already gone back to Atlanta, but The Model is still here till tomorrow night. NO, I haven't seen him, and I don't plan on it, because I'm sure he's with his family, and I certainly don't wanna call him. I mean I do, but I don't, ya know?? So I'm just gonna wait till August. But I'm not gonna lie, as soon as I found out he was in town, my heart went into overdrive. And I don't know if I'll be able to handle it come August.
Well, that's all for now, wish me luck with my apartment!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Great Expectations

Today was the best day I've had in quite a while! But before I get into that, I'm gonna answer the one question I got. Lol.
The only blog I read really, is Bedroom Blog. I used to read this other blog, called American Girl Abroad, but she just out of the blue, stopped blogging. So I don't like to get attached to blogs like that. So yea, just Bedroom Blog.
So my day today. Actually, it started out pretty crappy. I got home really late yesterday; I spent the day with Bethany, Jayme and Alyssa. Baseball Guy made a brief appearance, but he got stuck driving his friend home and never made it back. Anyways, so this morning, my mom called and woke me up after only 4 hours of sleep to tell me about a potential job interview.
A girl at our church, Katy, is doing an internship at a marine shipping company in Houston, and told my mom about a job opening. Anyways, her boss wanted me to come in today, because it was the last day for interviews. So I did the best job I could updating my resume in the short amount of time I had, and then headed downtown.
Dani, a really pretty, dark haired woman, probably no older than 30, greeted me and led me through the dispatch room, and into a small conference room. Everyone stared at me as we walked through. Dani started laughing as soon as the door closed.
"Everyone was staring at you!" She giggled.
"Yea, I noticed." I blushed.
"They're not very inconspicuous, are they?" She continued to laugh to herself as she ushered me into a chair and handed me an application.
Then she warned me that 2 of the managers, as well as herself would be sitting in on my interview. I was the last one of many.
The interview itself was intense. For one, I definitely wasn't prepared, only having had 4 hours of sleep, and no prep time! And I didn't even get to properly research the company. But I did ask lots of questions, and tried to seem relaxed, and considering the circumstances, I think it went pretty well.
Afterwards I shook all their hands and thanked them for their time, and Dana told me they would be in touch.
I immediately texted Katy as soon as I got out of the building.
"OMG that was intense!"
"Really?? How did it go?"
I gave her a brief overview of my interview, and told her I did my best; now I just have to wait.
"All the guys in dispatch thought you were hot." She wrote, "They want you to come to happy hour and have drinks after work."
I laughed, and politely declined. Seeing as I don't have the job yet, I just don't think that would be appropriate. Plus, I really needed to visit a couple more apartments in the area.
And low and behold, the perfect apartment!!
It's in a great location, close enough to everything, and the complex is small, and quaint, with beautiful pools and courtyards. I love it! And the best part?? It's less than I was planning to spend and I can have a dog!! I've been wanting a labradoodle so bad for the past 6 months and now I can finally get one!! Oh, and there were no shortage of young, cute guys running around.
So I filled out an application immediately! Now I just have to wait for my credit report to come in, which I know will be fine. I can't wait to move out!
On my way home, Katy called. She had just left the mini happy hour party, and one of my interviewers had been there. She said she talked to him, and he told her he really liked me, but he thinks I would be better suited for a job like Katy's, because there are more opportunities to move up in the company, and it's less busy work. And as it turns out, Katy's internship is up on August 15, so the position will be open, and apparently they're already considering me for it. So she said they're definitely gonna call me back, and they're probably going to offer me something. And I mean I'm talking benefits, paid vacation and a 401k!
So now I'm home, just trying to decompress. I mean I seriously can't believe that 2 great things happened to me in one day! ((Sigh))
Now Alyssa and I are gonna go watch a movie, and oh! Izzie is calling me.
Gotta go!