The Mutual Exclusivity of Friendships and Significant Others

I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there.  He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
NOT IN THE MOOD TO "HANG AT HOME" WITH 2 COUPLES.
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool

So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!

UUUGGGHHHHH.
PEOPLE! STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY NEED/WANT/SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...

It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.

So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.

Well my grandma passed away this evening. So I will probably be making a trip to Houston in the next couple of days. Just to clarify, this is my paternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather passed away in February. So they weren't married. Different sets of grandparents. My paternal grandfather passed away almost 2 years ago, when I was still in Chicago. And since my grandma had Alzheimer's, she would often forget that her husband was gone. At least they're together now. I'm partly relieved, because I don't have have to worry about her anymore, and she's in a better place. But I'm just really, really sad. She was the brightest most positive person. She never lost her spirit or kindness, or her sense of humor, even when it got rough for her. She was witty, and sweet, and everybody loved her. Even though I hadn't seen her in a while, the world is a little less bright without her, but I know there's a new star twinkling somewhere up in the sky. The next couple weeks are going to be rough. I prefer to grieve privately, and I'm not close with most of my dad's family, and I know it's dumb, but I don't want to cry in front of them. The whole experience is gonna feel like trying to hold in a huge fart. Ugh. I'll be so relieved when this is all over.

Home Again

Well I am home at last! My sleep schedule is totally thrown off now due to the early mornings and the time change in Orlando. So I woke up on my own this morning at 9:30! I know that probably doesn't seem very early to you guys, but I'm a bartender, remember? Lol.

So anyway, Matt has kept in touch with me intermittently over the past week. I've been letting him make the first move each time, so he's always the first to text me, and I just respond. But yesterday I sent him a funny picture of Ron Swanson (we both ♥ Parks & Rec). Then like 5 hours later, he sent me another funny picture back, and I wrote something like, "Omg that's awesome." And he hasn't responded since.

On Saturday, when Lexi and I were at Disney World, he texted me saying he was going to stop by my bar the night before, but then remembered I was at Hogwarts. Lol. So I told him I would be back Tuesday. So he definitely knows I'm home. I'm hoping maybe I'll get to see him today, but I'm not going to hold my breath. The ball is in his court now.

As for Brazil, we're still talking, even though he's been getting on my nerves a little bit over the past couple weeks. I don't want to take any of our conversations too seriously, since they're all just facebook chat, and a lot can get lost in translation. Plus it's often hard to tell when someone is joking or being serious via text as opposed to actually talking. So I'm not going to rule him out just yet. Anyway, I talk to him a lot more than I talk to Matt. And he actually told me he wants to take me out to dinner when he gets back. So hmmm... I just need to find out more about his background. Hopefully that won't be so hard once we're in the same country. He gets back on Sunday I'm pretty sure.

Well my trip was awesome! Lexi and I had so much fun! We got into all the parks for free, except Disney, because my Uncle works in the hotel industry and has so many connections! In fact, we could have gotten free Disney tickets too, but he just couldn't get hold of the guy who could get them. But the trip was great. It was Lexi's first real trip without her parents. She just finished her first semester of college. So I let her call most of the shots since it was my second trip to Harry Potter World. But we managed to do and see everything we wanted to. And of course, my Uncle said we are welcome back any time. And of course it was great meeting my new cousins! The baby is soooo adorable. The most happy, chill baby ever!

Speaking of babies, I talked to Izzie last night, and she told me she and her husband are trying to get pregnant again. OMg! Soon the rest of my friends will follow suit. It's hard to believe really. ((Sigh)) Well I don't envy any of them. I like kids, but they aren't for me. I just don't have that mothering instinct. I mean I like to play with them and stuff, but I don't have the patience, or the desire to put my own wants on hold for a kid. Maybe that's selfish, and maybe I'll change my mind someday, but I doubt it. Lol.

Well I'm gonna go be super productive and catch up on all the TV I missed this past week. LOL. Ciao!

Orlando or Bust!

Ever been so tired, you felt drunk?? That was me and Lexi last night. Omg...Thursday Harry Potter World, Friday Sea World, Saturday Disney World. We've had a crazy couple of days! We were at Magic Kingdom for 13 hours yesterday!!! Today is relax day. Lol. The weather here in Orlando is amazing and we've been having so much fun. Tomorrow we're going back to Harry Potter World, and then Tuesday, it's back to Chicago. :(
Matt actually did text me on Thursday. We chatted almost all day! He didn't believe I was really at Harry Potter World, so I kept sending him pictures, and he kept saying I probably just found them on facebook. Lol. I haven't heard from him since Thursday, but I've been pretty busy with other stuff, so I'm not gonna worry about it. Brazil and I have been chatting online pretty frequently though. He actually really pissed me off the other night because he started this debate over who's a better wizard: Gandalf, or Harry Potter. And I was like, You're not supposed to compare the 2!! They are 2 completely different stories, written in 2 completely different worlds, in 2 completely different time periods!!! So why do you have to make comparisons?! Then he posted a status on facebook, which he tagged me in, saying he was arguing with me over who was better, and then of course millions of people were commenting on it, talking shit about Harry Potter... Ugh. He hasn't even read any of the books! Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings! I've read all of them, and I'm sorry, but I enjoyed reading Harry more. And that is just my personal opinion!, which I am, of course, entitled to, and I don't expect anyone else to share! But don't talk shit to me about Harry Potter if you want to remain friends. Lol. I warned him, but he just didn't listen. So I signed off facebook chat, and refused to talk to him for a day. Lol. He sent me millions of apologies, and posted on my wall and everything. It was pretty funny. The next day I told him I was over it, but that I hope he learned his lesson.
Anyway, I'm not so sure about Brazil anymore... Not because of the Harry Potter thing just because...I don't know. I feel like there are just some things about him that might be red flags. Things that don't quite add up. Like the fact that he was staying with some chick in Rio for a week and spent NYE with her, and the fact that some girl posted something on his facebook wall about having a "date night" when he gets back to the states, and more of the same. It seems like he just has a lot of girls around... And that shit doesn't usually fly with me. But we'll see...

Anyway, I stole away from the family to come in here and post, but I don't think it'll be long before one of my little cousins comes busting in here, so I better sign off for today. More soon!

XOXO,

Peyton

Houston So Far

The last 2 days have been so great! I got into Houston Tuesday night, and Dad and I just hung around the house really. I was pretty tired from all the running around and packing I'd been doing. But on Wednesday, Dad woke up early and went out to get kolaches! One of my favorite and most missed food items that you can only get in the south. SOOOO good! Then we went to the zoo, cuz I've been dying to see their new chimpanzee exhibit. It was super hot of course, but we had a good time. After that, we had a late lunch and headed home.
Mom picked me up around 3:30 and we headed up to my aunt Suzanne's. I hung out with my cousins, and Lexi and I made a fresh blueberry cobbler. It was delicious! We went to bed pretty early that night cuz my mom had to go to work early in the morning. But just when I was starting to fall asleep, Gavin called. I wasn't that surprised to hear from him, being in Houston and all, but usually he just texts, and he didn't even seem interested in seeing me last time I was in town!
As it turned out, he didn't even know I was in Houston! It was just a total coincidence that he called. Then he scolded me for not telling him I was coming. Lol. To which I replied that he definitely gave me the good old brush off last time I was in town, and he said that was because he was afraid if he saw me, he'd cheat on his girlfriend. Hehe. Silly boy... But we chatted for a bit, he said some more dirty and inappropriate things, and I passed out with a guilty smile on my face.

Yesterday, bright and early, Mom and I headed back into the city. She dropped me off at Jenna's, so I could spend the day with her, but we both just went back to sleep for an hour. I went with Jenna to her doctor's appointment at 9:30. Apparently when you're 7 1/2 months pregnant you have to go to the doctor every other week. Ugh... But Jenna and I always have fun no matter what we're doing, so we just talked and goofed off the whole time. After that, we headed to the kolache factory for a quick breakfast (can't get enough kolaches!!) and then we got our nails done. I haven't had a manicure since before her wedding! When we got home, Justin took us out for an authentic Tex Mex dinner, which was really nice of him. Jenna confessed to me that she's worried about Justin not being fully on board for the baby. I guess he's pretty nervous. Hopefully when the baby is born, he'll be more excited, and less anxious. I really like Justin, but sometimes I just can't help but feel that he isn't good enough for Jenna. ((Sigh)) I hope I'm not right.

Anyway, after dinner, I met up with an old friend from high school, Prudence. We rarely see each other anymore, but when we do get to hang out, it's like no time has passed. We're a lot alike: super goofy, same sense of humor, and up for anything, anytime. We went to my old bar, and took wayyy too many (free!) shots. Lol. But I got to see Aaron and Tanya, Mr. P, and Brandon, of course. So over it. Thank god... But Prudence and I had a blast! And I crashed at her and her boyfriend's place last night. Today I am super hungover and wondering how I'm going to make it out again tonight with Dahmer. Lol. I'm staying with him and Taryn tonight. She's actually on her way to get me right now. Prudence and I went and saw Harry Potter again. Well, again for me, first time for her. And I got a free movie ticket! Long story...
But it's off to Taryn's now, and then to the ranch tomorrow morning. I can't wait! Stay tuned...

What To Do About Dad

I just got off the phone with my mom, who is seriously worried about my dad. She said she just went to see the lawyer because my dad is in such a hurry to get the divorce done with. ((Sigh))
She thinks he has a girlfriend.
When I asked her why, she said she there was a strange car over there the other day when he wasn't home. And she found a necklace in their old bathroom. It had a 'K' on it. When she asked him about it, he said he had found it and was going to give it to her, meaning my mom. But why would he give my mom a necklace with a K on it?? Her name doesn't even HAVE a K in it.
When I asked her that she said, "I don't know Peyton, I can just tell he's hiding things from me. I also found a statement from one of our retirement funds that he forgot to mention, which has a lot of money in it! And if I hadn't found it and brought it to the lawyer, then I might be totally screwed out of that money!"

"Ok, well I don't think Dad is trying to screw you out of any money. He just...wouldn't do that. I'm not so sure about the girlfriend thing either. I mean, I know he's been going to see cover bands and he's always hanging out with these same 2 women, but...I just can't believe he already has a girlfriend. It's too soon!"

The thing is, my dad and I are now facebook friends. And lately I've been starting to wonder if friending him was a horrible idea. I keep seeing all these pictures of him out with different women, at bars, seeing concerts and stuff. And they all just look like floozies to me! I mean I've worked in bars for years, and I see the kind of 40-50-something single women that go out "to watch bands". They're mostly desperate, horny, gold diggers! And they're all trashy! And I don't think my dad should be hanging out with women like that!
So one these women he hangs out with happens to me named Kelly. WITH A K. And I do not like her. Why?? Well, for the obvious reasons of course. But there's more. One night, my dad posted a picture of 2 women (one of them was Kelly) making cheesy smiles, captioned, "Beautiful girls!"
And feeling, disgusted and angry I commented on it, "Eh, they're ok. What are they, like 25?"
My dad texted me the next morning explaining that he did not post the picture, the girls did. They apparently took his phone. I still can't decide if that's worse. But then I got a notification that Miss Kelly herself responded to my comment.
First my dad had written, "I'm sure they'll love that, about looking 25!"
And then Kelly writes, "Uh huh. I'm sure."

Uhh...wtf?? I know what I said was bitchy, but she fucking knows I'm his daughter. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME BITCH.

Maybe I'm being completely infantile, but that's how I feel. I am sooooo not ready to deal with my dad dating, let alone having a girlfriend!

I talked to Jenna on the phone yesterday, and she said she saw my dad at a family get together on the 4th, and that he kept talking to her about how he goes out all the time now and meets women, and she thought it was creepy hearing him talk about anyone other than my mom. ((Sigh)) Now I think I'm gonna have to have a talk with him. But what do I say?? I don't want to come off as judgmental, or accusatory, but...I'm seriously worried about him. I know my dad. He doesn't like to be alone. Not to mention he's a good looking guy. Especially for his age. You would never think he's in his early 50's. He doesn't look a day over 40! Both my parents look very young for their age actually, so I guess I have that to look forward to. But anyway! I'm afraid my dad is gonna take up with the first money-grubbing skeaze that gives him a compliment. And I definitely don't want that to happen. Part of me wishes I was still in Houston so I could really scope out this situation. I am going to be there next month. Maybe I can convince him to bring me out with his new "friends"...

Disappointed

((Sigh))

I think I miss blogging.

I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.

So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.

((Sigh))

So that's everything. I think.

I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.

That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.

And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!

I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.

I have no one. Literally. No one.

Do you know what that's like??

To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????

I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.

I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.

The Perfect Dress

Man you guys, let me tell you how much I was hoping that maintenance guy would show up at midnight and add some excitement to my life! I just loooooooooove the drama!!
((chuckle))

Anyways, I didn't get a chance to go to my leasing office yesterday, since I was meeting with a new photography client. But I definitely will today! I'm not gonna bother with the police. As rude as they were, I can definitely withstand a little bullying. As for the maintenance guy though?? What it boils down to is, he knew I was there, since my deadbolt was locked, and I'm sure he knew I was sleeping, and he was definitely TRYING to wake me up, which is completely uncalled for. He should left me alone after I didn't answer the door the first time. And that's what I'm going to YELL to my apartment managers. Ugh.

Anyways, other than that little incident, my weekend was pretty good! Saturday during the day, I went to Taryn's apartment and raided her closet for dresses. She had a couple cute ones, but none of them were like...The One. But she told me to bring them anyways. Then we went out to lunch, which was nice. She's one of my only single friends these days, so we can relate to each other.
While we were hanging out Todd called!
"Hello?"
"Hey Peyton, I have some good news!" He said.
"Really? What???" I asked, my heart pounding.
"I was able to get you a comped room at our hotel."
"WOW! Seriously???"
I couldn't believe my luck! I'd been wondering how I was gonna manage to get around if I stayed with my mom's cousin. She lives about 30 minutes from the stadium, which is a pretty expensive cab ride.
"Yea! They were only giving the extra rooms out to the players who were married, but one of my teammates is good friends with guy who's in charge of booking the rooms, and he managed to pull some strings."
"Omg thanks, Todd! That's so awesome!"
"No problem! You and Laura will be sharing a room."

Uh oh! I thought, The bomb drops... But I didn't let on how weird that might be, I just thanked him profusely. I don't even care about that! I mean, I like Laura, she's a nice girl, and I have nothing against her personally. I just don't think she's right for Todd! But we get along, and it's going to be fun regardless.

So Saturday night, I worked at the Washington bar. Taryn and I were actually scheduled at the same time, so we carpooled! :)
Go green! Working there was really awesome though. It was a nice change of scenery. The prices and computer system are different, but I picked up on everything right away. It was fast paced, so I wasn't bored, and the night went by quickly, and we made great money!! Just what I need for Miami!!

Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than I'd planned, but I had a lot of stuff to do so I just decided to roll with it. First stop? The mall. As much as I was dreading walking around The Galleria, I just had to find the perfect dress! As I was getting ready to go, Laura called.

"Hey Peyton!! Are you excited?! We're roomies!"
"I know! I am excited! It's gonna be so much fun!"

We chatted about the weekend, our flights, and what to wear. I told her I was about to head to the mall to find something. She expressed that she had no clue what she was going to bring. So I offered to bring along some extra dresses, just in case she wanted to borrow something.
The mall was actually not that bad. I perused through Macy's pretty quickly, found some cute stuff, but nothing that really stood out. Then I headed to French Connection, where I found the perfect dress! Not only is it purple, my favorite color, but it was marked down, and 50% off!! And it fit perfectly! I'll post pictures when I get home.
I also got the perfect accessories to go with it. Black sequined pumps with a matching black sequined clutch. Now, all I need is jewelry, and I'll have the perfect ensemble for the post-game players party on Sunday. I'm so excited!!!

After the mall, I headed over to my aunt's house in Spring. My grandparents were in town, along with my Aunt Josie and her kids. So it was kind of like a mini-family reunion. We had dinner, played catch-up and watched the Grammy's. Then I finally went home, exhausted, and well...you know the rest of the story.
My lash extensions appointment got canceled yesterday cuz apparently a bunch of girls dropped out of the program. I was pretty disappointed but...oh well. She said she'd keep me in her appointment book for next time.
Well, it's back to work! Busy busy busy!!

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

Stupid Sh*t

Todd is home! YAYY! Our families are going out to dinner tonight, for my Dad's birthday. It's gonna be so much fun! Family, friends, and Italian food! MMMMMM...
Lately it's like, I get so excited at the thought of even getting to talk to Todd. And some may speculate it's because he's suddenly pseudo famous, but really it's just because I have a huge crush on him, and he's so busy all the time now and he lives so far away that I never get to talk to him, let alone see him. Todd and I used to see each other all the time! Even when he was away at school. So I'm really looking forward to tonight. And I'm gonna ask him if he's planning to marry Laura. I mean, rumor has it that she was hoping for a ring this Christmas, but she obviously didn't get one. And I'm thinking, if he hasn't asked her by now, I don't think he's going to! I mean, it's not like Todd doesn't have the means to support her! And they've been together for a long time. I just, honestly, all feelings for him set aside, I don't think they're meant to be together. She just has too much baggage, and emotional issues, and Todd is just so...simple and nice and logical and...drama free! SO not like Laura. But I'm gonna ask him. And I know he'll be honest with me, I'm his best friend!
Anyway, we hired a new girl at work this week, who supposedly I am going to be "working closely with". She seems nice. But I noticed that she's young and pretty, and that's got me wondering if my boss only hires young, pretty girls. Cuz there's really not an abundant supply of them around here right now. But I think I'm the first person he hired. He hasn't been in his position very long.
Well maybe she'll turn out to be really cool, and we can be friends. She actually lives on my side of town! Unlike everyone else in the office. My commute is about 45 minutes a day. Ugh...

I've been so tired at work in the mornings the past couple of days. I think it's because I got used to staying up late and sleeping in after my 4 day weekend. Plus, the project I'm currently working on has me uploading stuff that takes forever! So I literally just have to sit here, and wait for it to upload, and try not to fall asleep. ((Sigh))

I still haven't heard from Law School and he's been back since Sunday. Another ((Sigh)). And I haven't really heard from Gavin this week either. In fact, I've been rather lonely.

Oh! And let me just get something off my chest real quick.

Bethany.

I've been pretty pissed at her lately. Because you know, it's like I go from weeks without hearing from her at all, she doesn't return my messages, and she never thanked me for getting her free tickets to Todd's game (which I was pretty pissed about after all the stupid drama she ignited). And then suddenly, she breaks up with Tugg and "needs" me, and expects me to just...drop everything for her because I'm "supposed to be her best friend". And I'm thinking, Oh, so I'm supposed to be your best friend, but you don't have to be mine?? How is that fair??

I mean she was so quick to replace me with Summer as soon as I got a new job! Ugh... And you can really only say the same things to someone so many times. She's called me at all hours of the night, all weekend, going on and on about the same shit, and asking me what I think, and I just keep telling her the same shit! She already knows what I think! They need to just be apart. REALLY apart! At least for a month, if not permanently, which is what I think they need. But she doesn't ever listen to me, so I dunno why she asks for my advice anyway.

Oh, and she got mad at me, because I left an encouraging message on Tugg's Facebook page. She actually had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't be saying nice things to him, because I'm her friend, and I'm supposed to be on her side! And I'm like, "WHAT!? That's crazy!" It's not like I went over to his house and let him cry on my shoulder or anything, it was just a stupid Facebook comment! And I asked her, if Summer broke up with Ben, would she just never speak to him again?? And of course she saw my point, but still. She's being ridiculously self-absorbed and silly. I like Tugg, regardless of their relationship status. And all she's done for the past 6 months is talk about how much she hates Tugg and can't stand him because of this and that, and how she wishes she was single, because she really likes Ben's cousin. Oh, and then there's the fact that she cheated on Tugg and slept with some guy she works with 2 months ago!! I'm just so sick of her bullshit drama! And the fact that she expects me to always be there for her, but she never seems to be there for me. Plus, she's been flirting with Todd on facebook! Everytime I leave him a comment saying "good game today" or something to that effect, she has to leave a message after me and like...one-up me or something! SO ANNOYING.

And Ali just told me that she and Tugg are trying to "date and work things out". And they went out on a date last night. OMG. If anyone can testify to how bad of an idea that is, it's me. You can't move backwards in a relationship. You can't unsay things, or undo things. And they've both said and done a lot of things to each other the last few days. And if they couldn't figure their shit out in the six years that they were together, they're sure as hell aren't going to now! Ugh...

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now, I just really needed to get that off my chest. And just so you all know, I haven't mentioned any of this to Bethany. I'm not completely insensitive, and I know she's dealing with a lot, and I'm not gonna add to it. I have tried to be there for her, and I've comforted her, and encouraged her, and all that crap. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

Ali's birthday party is this Sunday evening and both of them are going to be there, and I just have this really bad feeling that there's gonna be drama, and the night will end up being all about Bethany and Tugg, instead of Ali. And it's her birthday!

Man, I need a stiff drink. This is the longest day ever!! I can't wait till dinner tonight. I'm sure Todd would love to hear all about my Bethany drama. Haha, jk.

Content

Well it certainly has been a busy week! Sophie got here on Friday, but I didn't get to see her that night, since I had to work. And Friday was definitely an interesting night...
Cali had promised to stop by the bar and see me, but instead, I got bombarded with drunk texts messages from him, professing his undying love for me and telling me how much he misses me, and how wasted he is. Ugh... Not the biggest turn on. I thought dating an older guy would mean I wouldn't have to put up with that crap! I mean, "I love you love you I love you" may be exactly what a girl wants to hear, but not under those circumstances!
The next day, he texted me several apologies. And apparently, he had also sent a few of those drunk messages to his mortgage loan officer, by mistake. Her name is also Peyton, but spelled "Payton". Even he is not sure how he made that mistake. Still funny though. And well deserved, in my opinion.
So Sophie and I went out Saturday night. I had hoped that Law School would meet up with us, but he had other "commitments" that night. A work party I think. He did text me though, to say he would try to meet up afterwards, but apparently that didn't pan out. Oh well, we still had fun. And I decided to just...stop pursuing or entertaining any ideas with Law School all together. Because 1) He's not going anywhere, and I have enough stress with holidays as it is, and 2) If we have chemistry, then he knows it, and he can't deny it.
We did end up seeing Cali on Saturday night though. After his series of apologies, he had texted me saying he'd like to meet up just for one drink, to say hi and meet my sister. So I decided I'd allow it, despite my new confusing feelings about him, and he met us at the first bar. Sophie thinks he's super hot and nice and that I should go for him, despite his drunken debauchery. She also pointed out that he's successful, and thoughtful, and he listens to what I say. He actually bought me The Hangover on DVD because I'd mentioned I really wanted to get it. Melissa agrees with Sophie. ((Sigh)) So that definitely gave me some food for thought. So Sunday, Sophie and I hung around the apartment, did a little Christmas shopping and watched The Hangover.
Monday after work, my mom and Sophie came over and we went out to eat for Sophie's birthday. Then yesterday, we all went over to my aunts house to visit with family. That was really fun. I have 2 twin cousins who just turned 17, and another 18 year old cousin, with a baby! See the Peyton Family Tree if you want more details. Quite the family we have... But they're all so much fun to hang out with.
So I left my aunts around 9pm, since I was getting a little tired, and I knew I had about a 30 minute drive ahead of me. And as I was driving home, guess who calls??
Law School.
I answered with some trepidation, but I figured, he must be calling for some particular reason. And after a minute of small talk and "how are you"s, I figured he'd get down to it. But he didn't! Apparently, he just called to ask about my weekend. Hmmm...
So we talked for about 20 minutes. He's leaving tomorrow at 6:30am to go back East for Christmas and he won't be back till January 3rd. So there goes all my pipe dreams about kissing him at midnight. Oh well. Actually, I'm kind of relieved, because that's just one less thing for me to stress out about this New Years Eve. And now that I know what he's doing, I was finally able to decide on my plans for NYE! I got a text from Summer late last night, begging me to take off NYE so I could hang out with her, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Ben and Michael had told me Saturday night that they bought 20 tickets, and reserved a table at our bar on Washington for NYE. So I'm gonna go. And I think I'm gonna invite Cali. He mentioned that he didn't have any definite plans yet for New Year's, and I don't wanna be a 3rd wheel, so what the hell! And even though this pretty much guarantees a kiss, I think it will be fun. And a little alcohol can't hurt the situation, right? And when I say a little, I mean a little. Not copious amounts. NOT doing that again. And hopefully, neither is Cali!
Tonight is the party I'm throwing for Sophie's party. It's gonna be mostly her friends, but hopefully a few of mine will show up, since I promised games, alcohol, and white elephant. I'm gonna be super busy cleaning and setting up as soon as I get home, but I'm looking forward to it!
So I've made all my decisions, and made all my plans, and I feel pretty good about them. In fact, I feel pretty good about everything right now. My life, in general, seems to be at peace. I'm content. Maybe not blissful, but content. And that's good enough for me right now.

I Got A Feelin'... That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

Sorry, it's been so long since I've blogged! I've been meaning and meaning to write, but I've been so busy, and I'm about a week behind on sleep now! Ugh...
So let's start from the beginning. Thanksgiving week was nice and relaxing. I had to leave work early on Tuesday for my doctor's appointment. I got my blood work done, so they could try to find out what's going on with my hair, and nothing turned up. :( So I have to go see a dermatologist. But hey, at least I'm healthy! I mean, other than the obvious.
Wednesday was my last day of the work week, and Sheila and I went out and got pretty crazy that night! Cory and I were supposed to hang out, and he had texted me earlier that day, but when I was ready to go, he didn't answer the phone! So I just figured, oh well. And Sheila and I had tons of fun, just the two of us, anyway. I haven't been that drunk in a long time. Lol. But don't worry, we took cabs, so we were safe. I crashed pretty hard that night after a much needed carefree night of partying. A little too hard though, because I did not wanna get out of bed the next morning! I was an hour late to Thanksgiving lunch/dinner at the grandparents, and everyone had already eaten. My parents were in Florida, and Sophie was spending the holiday with Brent's parents, so it was just me. But Jenna and Paul were there, and I scarfed down a plate of food before everyone started packing it all up. We actually had a pretty good time, the 3 of us. We sat at the table in the kitchen, talking and goofing off, while the rest of the family was in the living room being boring. Lol. My grandfather is a bit crotchety in his old age, and he's very particular, and likes to give his grandsons a hard time. He's also going deaf, so he shouts a lot. Lol. So Paul was just sitting in his chair reading a GQ, and Grandpa kept harassing him. Lol. Yelling at him to get his lazy ass up and help clean up. Jenna and I could hardly stifle our laughs.
So I had fun, catching up with them. Jenna had to leave that night though, because her boyfriend had a death in the family that week. So unfortunately, she and I didn't get to spend any more time together after Thanksgiving dinner.
I had been planning on going out again Thursday night, but I was just so tired, I ended up staying in, cuddling with Jasper on the couch, and going to bed early. Cory called to tell me he was sorry about the night before, but he'd passed out on his friends couch, and woke up at 4am fully clothed. And of course, I was too tired to do anything, so we ended up never getting to see each other! I was pretty disappointed I guess, but having too much fun to really notice.
Friday night I had to work at the bar; that kinda sucked. I didn't even leave my apartment during the day, because I was afraid of Black Friday traffic. I live pretty close to the mall, so it gets really insane over there. I had a really horrible dream about Brandon that night too. I dreamt that it was my birthday, and he was trying to give me something; he had bought it when we were still together. But I told him it was too much, and I didn't think it was appropriate for me to accept his gift. And he kinda just shrugged, said ok, and then walked off. And we were in the parking lot of the mall or something, so I turned and started to walk the other way, and I just started crying. The my mom came and picked me up, and as we were leaving the parking lot, I saw Brandon and his new slore standing on the curb, kissing. I woke up sobbing. Needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest mood. But I had to run errands and pack my things for my trip with the girls to go watch Todd's football game! My first NFL game ever!! So that definitely cheered me up. Our plane was slotted to leave at 7am Sunday morning! Work was kinda slow, but I didn't have to work behind the same bar as Brandon, which was nice. ANNNND...I met someone!
I was working the waitress well, and I noticed one of my favorite waitresses, Liza, talking to this guy. He was tall, with olive skin and dark hair, and he had kind of an exotic look to him. Like he might be Hawaiian or half Filipino. So I asked her if he was a friend of hers.
"No, he's just sitting at one of my tables.", she said, "Why?"
"Because he's hot!" I said.
She laughed. "You wanna know what he said about you??"
"WHAT!" I could hardly contain myself. Surely, this had to be a joke.
"He said, 'That girl looks mean, and a little scary, but I like it!'"
I busted out laughing. "Find out how old he is, but don't tell him I asked."
So she came back, and reported that he's 31.
Perfect! I thought. No more immature guys who need to get their lives together!
I quickly whipped up 4 of my best shots.
"Bring these to him and his friends, one is for you, and tell him they're from me." I said to Liza.
"One's for me? Thanks!" She beamed, and bustled off to his table.
I sorta got busy for a while after that, and before I knew it, he was standing in front of my well!
"Hey! Thanks for the shots, they were really good!" He said.
"You're welcome." I said, "I'm Peyton."
I shook his hand, blushing slightly. I've never dated someone that much older than me before. And the thought of it was kind of intimidating. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it! Lol. I mean, it's only 6 years, but the most I've ever done is 4.
"I'm [Cali]." He said. (That's what I'm calling him, cuz I later learned, he's from San Diego.)
"So, my friends and I are actually about to take off... Do you think I could call you sometime?" He asked.
"Sure! Um...one second." I ran to the other end of the bar to grab my purse. I whipped out one of my photography business cards and handed it to him. Much quicker than writing down my name and number.
"Thanks!" He said, "I'll see ya later."
"Bye!" I said.
My night got considerably better after that. But wait till you guys read about our trip!

The Wedding

Saturday morning, the alarm went off too soon.

"Were you crying last night?" Brandon asked when he noticed the mascara on my pillowcase.

"Yea." I admitted.

"Why?? Did I do something??" He sounded worried.

"No."

"Then...why were you crying?" Concern colored his voice.

"I was just...sad." I said, as I walked to the bathroom.

"About Oliver?" He asked.

I nodded.

"It'll be ok." He said, pulling me into a hug.

The wedding was held at a museum of sorts. It was pretty cool! I did Sophie's hair and makeup. She looked beautiful. This was a Renaissance themed wedding, so a lot of people came dressed up. Sophie's dress was stunning! It was purple and white, with floor length sleeves and a hoop skirt.

I put on my chemise and corset and put the finishing touches on my hair and makeup. Before we knew it, it was time for the ceremony to start.

Everything went great. They recited their own vows, which were touching. The ceremony and reception were both in the same place. The museum had one big open room, with wood floors and lots of light-up artwork on the walls. Downstairs, underneath the big hall were restrooms and a small kitchen, which was where we all got ready. Some of Sophie and Brent's friends played guitar and sang during the reception, and we all danced and took lots of pictures. It was so much fun! And I was able to keep all my dark thoughts at bay for the entire wedding. Brandon and I danced, and hung out and had a really good time.

Afterwards, my parents dropped us off back at the hotel to rest. Everyone had had a long day and we were all ready for a break. Brandon and I stripped to our underwear and got into bed. He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Thanks for coming with me." I said.

"No problem babe. It was fun." He said, kissing my forehead.

"Brandon?" I looked up into his eyes.

"Yes?" He said with a curious grin on his face.

"I love you."

I had to say it. It was about to explode out of me if I didn't. I mean, I'd never felt it so strongly before, and had to hold it in. I just had to say it!

"You do??" He said, genuinely surprised, "What makes you assume that?"

"It's not an assumption. I just do."

"Oh. Well that's good to hear. I guess I must be doing something right!" He grinned at me and squeezed me tighter.

It wasn't an 'I love you too', which would have been nice but... He'll say it when he's ready I guess.

I laid my head back on his shoulder and went to sleep.

Happy Turkey Day!

So here I am in New Orleans! Thanksgiving dinner was amazing, as always. Sophie and I ate so much today, we named our inner fat girls. Lol. This post is gonna be short cuz I'm just about to go to sleep. We're all going to Cafe Du Monde for breakfast tomorrow morning and I definitely wanna be awake for that!
I'm missing Brandon like crazy...his warm body next to mine, his kisses, his voice, his scent, his perfect smile... He's been calling and texting me a lot though so I know he misses me too. :) I just can't wait to see him! I mean I'm falling so hard for him it's scary. Or at least it should be scary, but it's not! For once, it's a welcome feeling. And you know why that is? Because I know that no matter how far, or how hard I fall, Brandon will still be there to catch me when I reach the bottom. ((Sigh))

New Orleans

I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. My whole body aches. Ugh...
Friday night was pretty busy, and I didn't get home till around 4, which gave me only 3 hours to sleep before I had to drive to the airport. I already had everything packed, not just for New Orleans, but for the party Sunday too.
So when 7 am came, I just got out of bed and left.
The flight was too short to take a nap, and I had just drank a RockStar energy drink, so I was tired, but unable to close my eyes. My dad picked me up at the airport and we drove over to my grandparents' house. I haven't been there since before Hurricane Katrina. It's weird how everything looks the same, but different. Not because of the hurricane, just because I have all these distant childhood memories of that place, ya know? And my memories don't really match up to what I saw. Everything just looked so...small! There's this house about 2 doors down from them, and Sophie and I used to think it was this big haunted mansion. Lol. But really it's just a larger than average suburban house. Maybe 5 bedrooms. ((sigh)) It still looks kind of creepy though.
Anyways, Sophie and Brent had driven straight through the night from Florida to get there, so when we arrived, they were upstairs sleeping. Which was exactly what I was intending to do, but I just couldn't seem to escape the family and the excitement and get some shuteye. So I gave up and played with my cousin, Lily. My Aunts Jessica, Josie and Suzanne were already there.
After an hour of visiting, my mom and the aunts headed over to the church to set things up for Poppa and Grandma's 50th Wedding Anniversary party. I went with my Dad, Uncles and cousins to the French Quarter where our hotel was.
Then me and my dad, Noelle, Maddox, Macie, Uncle David, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna and their future step father, BC, (and my future uncle!) all decided to walk a couple blocks down the street for lunch. We ate at this authentic cajun place. It was really good! And of course, we goofed off and played games at the table. The "adults" and Maddox were sitting at a different table, than me and the teenagers. We played this game where you open a bunch of sugar packets, as many as there are people playing, and you dump one of them out, and fill it with salt. Then everybody picks a packet, and you all dump them in your mouth at the same time and try to guess which person got the salt. Lol. But if you get the salt, you have to try not to make a face! Haha, so juvenile, I know. But it was fun.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel to get ready for mass, the vow renewal ceremony, and then the party. Everyone met at the church. I finally got to say hi to Sophie and Brent, and my Uncle Dan, who I hadn't seen yet. Uncle Dan recently had a stroke, about 4 months ago, which left him pretty much helpless for 3 weeks. So my mom and Aunts had to take turns staying with him and helping him out. He in the middle of a law suit now with the hospital, because he went to the hospital 3 times with symptoms and they misdiagnosed him every time! Anyways, he has a slight limp now, but he's still in high spirits.
The ceremony was nice and touching, and party was fun and relaxing. By this time, my lack of sleep was really starting to catch up to me. Finally we headed back to the hotel and we all went swimming. Then I got into a superfun fight with my mom, about the dog again. I don't know why she always feels the need to bring the same shit up and nag me about it, every time I talk to her! I mean I was having a good time, I was in a good mood, and then she tells me that if I get a dog (which I already have, she just doesn't know about it. He's getting here Wednesday!), then she's gonna "get rid of" Benny. Benny is my childhood dog, who lives at home with Sophie's dog. They're best friends! They can't be separated! Plus, Mom and I never once discussed me taking Benny, or her getting rid of him when I decided to move up. She's only bringing it up now, because I wanna get a puppy, and she doesn't want me to. That's what it all boils down to. It's ridiculous. ((sigh)) I'm still mad at my mother about this too. Even my dad agrees that she can never just...let things be. She always has to stir things up! URRRGH!!!
So now it's the end of the night, and not only am I exhausted, but I'm pissed. Me, Noelle, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna walked down to the Cafe du Monde to get some beignets. I wanted to get some fresh air, and clear my head, and not think about my mother.
Afterwards, I finally went to bed. And I slept like a rock. Until I had to get up 5 hours later and hop on another plane. ((sigh))
And that is a story for another blog.

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"Ok."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.
LMAO.

Update Continued...

Omg, Rusty sent me a myspace message today!
He said he tried requesting me, but I require a last name, so he couldn't. Haha. My plan totally worked!! We've been messaging back and forth for a while now. :)
Anyways, I need to finish updating you all on my week. I haven't seen or spoken to John since Wednesday night. Bethany and I drove up to our old college town on Thursday. We both went to the same school, but we didn't know each other when we were there. Weird, huh? But anyways, our trip wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We felt old, and out of place. Everyone there is just so...different. I mean they're all at a different place in their lives, ya know?? And I've already moved on from that part of my life so it's just not fun anymore. Not the way I remembered it. But I mean, we did have fun. Just...not what we were expecting. We crashed in a hotel after a night of bar hopping. Then we drove back the next day cuz we both had to work.
Saturday night I requested off because I WENT TO THE JOURNEY CONCERT!!!! It was amazing!! My Dad got tickets right when they went on sale, and decided to take ME!! Our seats were really good too! Like, tenth row back. Great view. Their new singer sounds so much like Steve Perry, it's insane!
So anyways, I stayed at my parents' house that night since I rode with my dad. Then I went to church with them the next morning. After church we went out to lunch with Todd's family. He's in town till tomorrow. Him and his girlfriend are back together. :/
I don't think I'll ever get a chance with Todd, no matter how much I think about it, and wish for it. ((sigh))
Anyways, last night was the night I finally organized my apartment. I threw out all the empty boxes. Mondays are trash days, luckily, so when I set out my trash it ended up being like a 6-feet high tower!! I felt so bad, I left a note for the trash guys. Lol.
This morning, I got up, swam my laps, and then got ready to go my Aunt Suzanne's house in Spring. My Aunt Jessica, Uncle David, Noelle, and Maddox were in town. If you can't remember these people, see my post titled The Peyton Family Tree. Anyway, they're my cousins. So I went up to see them, since they live in Louisiana and we hardly ever get to see each other!
So, remember The Frenchman?? The guy my Aunt Jessica wanted to set me up with? Well, apparently he's not completely out of the picture! Aunt Jessica told me today that she told his mom about me! Lol. And they have this plan to get us to meet. He has to take his nephew down to Houston for something, and they're gonna come to the zoo, and I'm supposed to give them a tour. Lol. I'm sure he has no idea about any of this. But I'm down! It was so funny listening to my aunt talk about how hot he is.
Also, my Aunt Suzanne is finally getting remarried this November, right after Thanksgiving. So Jessica thinks he should be my wedding date. I told her I'd much rather it be an official, out in the open fix-up, than an awkward "accidental" meeting, where we both know what's really going on, but neither of us feels comfortable talking about it. You know what I mean?? I'd rather just go all out. What's the worst that could happen??
My step-cousin, Holly, (Aunt Suzanne's step daughter from her ex-husband's previous marriage) was at the table with us when we were talking about this, and she was saying she wants to go out with him! Ugh. That's all I need is competition. But I made it very clear to her that I had first dibs!
Anyways, overall, I had a nice, fun, relaxing day with my family. I really needed that. Because this week is hell week for me. I'm working 5 shifts, all closing, all consecutive, starting today. It's going to suck.
But hey, I've got bills to pay!
And on August 6th I'm going to Austin, because Rikki is gonna be in town from Washington State!!! I haven't seen her since Megan's wedding! It's gonna be so much fun. And nice to be around my truest friends. Ahhhh...

The Peyton Family Tree!

The Key, Revised.

1. Addy - Jayme's best friend who lives in Austin and is NOT 21.
2. The Albanian - Bartender/manager at my bar who I made out with once when we were drunk.
3. Alli - Real smartass bartender at work, about 30 years old, we've just started to become friends.
4. Alyssa - One of my best friends, also cocktails at my bar.
5. Amanda - One of my newest good friends who I met through Melissa and is a school teacher.
6. Amy - My cousin, Jenna's older sister, who I never got along with when we were kids, cuz she's such a huge bully.
7. Andrew - Old friend from HS that I recently started catching up with. Friends with Hot Dereck.
8. Aunt Jessica - My moms sister, who wants to set me up with her daughter Noelle's riding instructor, The Frenchman.
9. Austin - The last guy I actually dated. Was super sweet at first until he turned into a total douche bag. Brought me to a wedding and then ditched me for another girl.
10. Bethany - My favorite bartender at work, super cool, and a good friend who I've been going out with a lot lately.
11. Billy - Guy from the bar next door whom I briefly dated. Met on the bus at the employee trip. Was very sweet at first, but doesn't play well with others when drunk, and gets very dramatic. He recently moved back to Arizona.
12. Blinn - Owner/manager of my bar, super cool dude, and crazy when drunk. We made out once after a long night of poker and drinking, and haven't spoken about it since!
13. Brent - Sophie's new hubby, and my new brother!! He's a very talented musician, he's in a band, and he is an awesome singer.
14. Cecilia - One of my best friends. I was the MOH in her wedding and she just had a baby about 4 months ago!
15. Charlotte - Another girl I met through Melissa who has a really badass job and gets to travel a lot.
16. Dee - Melissa's little sis.
17. DJ - The DJ at my work who's pretty much ALWAYS there, whether he's working or not.
18. Dr. New York - Shane's dude in NY, who actually lives in Jersey, but he let us stay on his yacht while we were in NYC.
19. Dustin - Used to be a door guy at work, but I think he quit, or got sent somewhere in the marines cuz I haven't seen him in months.
20. Emma - We were best friends all through school, but have drifted apart in recent years.
21. Eric The Skeaze - Guy I met out one night, who I still frequently run into. We've made out a few times, but he's obviously, a skeaze.
22. Evan - Super good friend from high school who I went to NY with, and we sorta hooked up once when we were drunk.
23. Frank - Bartender at work who I was thinking about moving in with, but decided not to when I was thinking about moving to Austin.
24. The Frenchman - my cousin Noelle's horseback riding teacher, who lives in Lafayette, and is super sexy! My aunt is trying to fix me up with him.
25. Gavin - Door guy at work who is super hot and I've always had a crush on.
26. Gill - Former door guy at work. We played poker at his house once. He still hangs out at our bar a lot.
27. Hot Dereck - Guy I used to have a big crush on. We met at his bar, and he works in midtown, but he's bad news.
28. Izzie - One of my best friends since HS. Married and lives in Austin.
29. Jake - The hot new door guy at work, who is now talking to Melissa.
30. Jayme - Waitress/bartender at work who goes out with us every once in a while. She works at the shot bar now. Kinda crazy, but tons of fun!
31. Jenna - My cousin and also one of my best friends! Amy's little sister. Moved here from Austin about a year and a half ago, and we hang out quite often.
32. John - Door guy at work who I met at the employee outing. Kind of quiet, but very sweet and very smart. And when he drinks, he drinks! I'm still trying to figure him out...
33. Johnny - Acoustic guitar player at work on the weekends. He usually hangs out when we play poker.
34. Josh - Cute bartender in Austin that I had a fling with.
35. Kristin - Former waitress at work who The Model gave his number to.
36. Mackenzie - Another new friend I met through Melissa. She's a Tito's vodka promoter, so I see her at work a lot.
37. Mark - Bartender/former manager at work who is badass at dancing! Especially to Michael Jackson songs. He recently got a day job, so he just bartends on weekends now.
38. May - Bartended with her at my last job and we used to be really great friends until she started dating Shady, her really sketch Asian mafia boyfriend. Then she pretty much changed personalities...
39. Megan - Good friend from HS who recently got married and bartends day shifts at my bar.
40. Melissa - My newest best friend. We went to HS together, but didn't become friends until we double dated with Mitchell and The Model.
41. Misty - Bartender at work, and girlfriend of owner/general manager, Mr. S.
42. Mitchell - The Model's cousin who briefly dated Melissa. Lives in Atlanta.
43. The Model - THE HOTTEST GUY EVER. Met in HS while working together at the mall. We've hooked up a few times, but he continues to screw me over and I continue to pine after him...((sigh))
44. Mr. P. - Original owner of my bar, the brains behind the business! Very sexy and very intimidating guy, but super cool once you get to know him.
45. Mr. S. - General manager of my bar. Super cool to hang out with after hours, has been dating bartender, Misty for about 5 years.
46. Nick - Bartender at work. Big antagonist, but overall a cool, funny guy, and we're pretty good friends.
47. Noelle - My cousin, Aunt Jessica's daughter, who lives in Lousiana and likes horses just like I do.
48. Paul - My cousin who recently got out of rehab for cocain addiction. Recently been spotted in midtown partying.
49. The Psycho - My last serious relationship. Crazy, abusive, controlling, the reason I don't trust men.
50. Rikki - Best friend from HS. Married and lives in Seattle.
51. Rob - Cecilia's husband.
52. Shady - May's asshole of a boyfriend. I bet he has a lot of skeletons in his closet. REAL ones!
53. Shane - Good friend I met through Izzie, Megan and Rikki. Lives in Austin, currently single and so much fun to go out with! I usually crash with her when I go to Austin. However, we have the same taste in guys in she tends to think everything is a competition.
54. Sophie - MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! My sister!
55. Taylor - Brent's younger brother, who is about my age, and also a bartender. We have a lot in common and he's hilarious!
56. Tina - New bartender at my job who I worked with previously and don't really like.
57. Todd - One of my best guy friends. Known eachother since 2nd grade. If he didn't always have a girlfriend, I would totally date him because he is literally the perfect man. It just took me too long to figure that out... And he is going to play football for the NFL. Seriously. He's being scouted.
58. Tommy - The guy with classic good looks that Shane and I met while out one night in Austin. We both thought he was hot, and that's when things with Shane and I started to get awkward...
59. Tugg - Bethany's live-in boyfriend, who works for the owners of my bar, at the new shot bar. He's pretty funny.
60. Valerie - Waitress/bartender at work. She used to be a huge bitch to me, but now we get along, and I guess you could say we're friends.
61. Vette Guy - TROUBLE. The douche bag I dated for a while who drove a Corvette (until he totaled it), thought he was God's gift to women, and had the mentality of a 17 year old. We haven't had contact in months. Not since I called him out on his jerking me around and he got pissed and said he was never gonna call me again. Lol.

New Year, New Layout, New Posts!

I'm sick again!
It seems like all I've been since I got back from NY is sick. Ugh...
But the good thing about it is, because I've been sick, I've been able to catch up on my posting! I went out to dinner with Cecilia and Baby Presley today. She is getting so big! And she's so precious! And Cecilia and I haven't hung out since October or something ridiculous like that, so it was great catching up with her! Alyssa and I are throwing her a belated 21st birthday bash on the 25th. She's really excited about it, because she wasn't able to go out or do anything on her real birthday, you know, since she was pregnant! So we're all looking forward to a night out on the town.
I talked to my Aunt Jessica on the phone about The Frenchman today. Apparently he looks like Orlando Bloom, but hotter! Haha. I've been imagining him in my head as looking kind of like Tom Welling...((sigh))
I know I'm being silly, but what's the harm in dreaming? Anyway, when I get back from Florida I just might take a road trip to Louisiana and meet this guy!
So how do you guys like the new layout?? I added a bunch more pix! I needed something to do, since I can't really go anywhere...
And Bethany and I have standing plans for tomorrow night, so I dunno if I'll be able to make it! I really wanna go out though. Being cooped up the house for 3 days has left me feeling restless.
Todd and his family have been in England all week. They left the day after we went out. I wonder when he's coming back... Perhaps I'll give him a call tomorrow? I don't know though. I'm a little embarrassed about almost puking in his car last week. Ugh. I definitely did not intend to get that drunk. And Todd was so sweet to take care of me! Why can't he just be single!? ((huff))
I'm going shopping with my mom tomorrow so we can find dresses to wear to Sophie's anti-wedding. Which, since it's not even a real ceremony, I don't know why we have to have dresses! But whatever... My mom has been all about "bonding" lately. And I guess I could use a new dress.
Well, this night time cold medicine is starting to kick in so I'm gonna hit the sack. If you all are still reading, leave me some love!

Mitch Of The Day:
"It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo."