Central America: The Final Chapter

So we're sitting at that restaurant, eating, awkwardly, and suddenly I feel like I'm going to shit my pants. Lol. My stomach had been feeling a little weird. So I excuse myself, and set out in search of the bathroom, very hurriedly! Of course, when I find it, I need a key, so I'm farting as silently as possible as I run to the bar to get it. When I finally made it to the bathroom, I discovered that I had, in actuality, shat my pants! Never trust a fart. Ugh. Thank god I was in a bathing suit and wearing a loose cover up. And thank god it was a private, one-stall bathroom and no one else was at that restaurant! I whisked off my bikini bottoms and ran them under the faucet, added a little soap and scrubbed. It was like, a turd in my pants, just a little shart, haha. Sorry if that's TMI, but THIS is how my morning started, guys! And because I was fighting with my sister, I couldn't even tell her and then share a laugh about it. But it was fine, and I felt a lot better after using the bathroom, and no one was any the wiser!
So after breakfast, we meet John and our snorkel guide, Kirk, at the dock. Kirk was so nice, he bought us giant bottles of water and gatorade, both of which we all needed after our night of drinking. And, best of all, he showed up with Sophie's clothes. The embarrassed look on her face when he gave them to her was almost worth all the shit she put me through.
I was trying so hard on our 1 hour trip out to the Cayes to play it cool, and not let on how pissed I was, because I didn't want John to pick up on anything. The less explaining I had to do, the better. Once we got there though, it was easy to just forget everything that had happened the night before, because it was SOOO BEAUTIFUL. The water was as clear as glass, and turquoise everywhere! It was a tropical paradise in every sense of the word and I was just soaking in the sights and wishing I had my Mark IV to take photos! But of course, I didn't bring that because it would have gotten wet. And the snorkeling was so much fun! We saw tons of beautiful corals and fish, and we swam with sea turtles and touched nurse sharks, and searched for conch shells! It was amazing. Around lunch time we took the boat to a PRIVATE ISLAND for lunch! It's own by a fancy resort, but anyone can eat there. It had the most amazing view. Since I wasn't feeling very conversational, I went and sat in the hammock and watched the pelicans diving, while Sophie, John and Kirk were drinking and talking. We went out for more snorkeling after that, and by the time we headed back, we were all exhausted. Kirk dropped Sophie and I off first, and we walked down the boardwalk in mostly tired silence, but my heart was pounding, because I knew I wasn't just going to let this all go.
By the time we got back to the hostel, it was threatening to boil over and all it took was Sophie making some casual small talk for me to lose it. I can't even remember what she said to me, but I'll try to recall the conversation as best I can.
Me: You know, I spent the whole day trying not to think about last night so that your SLUTFEST last night wouldn't ruin this trip, but if you think I'm just going to forget about this, you're delusional.
Sophie: ((Stunned silence))
Me: Do you even know WHY I'm mad at you?!
Sophie: Actually...no. I mean I have some ideas, but could you tell me exactly why?
Me: You spent the whole night flirting with a guy I told you I was going for! We AGREED on this! I made it very clear to you! And then, as if to prove something to me, you proceed to FUCK HIM right in front of FUCKING EVERYONE in the bar! And did you even notice that I left?? NO! You decide once isn't enough and you need to rub it in my face and fuck him right in front of me A SECOND TIME! It's not even about the guy, Sophie, I don't give a shit about him, but you KNOW ME, and you should have known how much of a betrayal that would be! If you weren't my sister, I would literally NEVER speak to you again! That would be it! Friendship over!

I said other things in the heat of the moment, and I felt really good about it too, just letting her have it. Oh yea, now I remember. She asked me if she could borrow my shampoo. During and after I screamed at her, she just had this completely blank look on her face. Maybe it was shock, because I have never, EVER yelled at my sister like that. Granted, I'd never been so hurt, betrayed or angry at her before, so I guess there's a first for everything. I didn't give her a chance to say anything though, I turned around and stormed into the bathroom, and slammed the door. I don't think she would have had anything to say right then though, because honestly, it was like all those things I had said to her, were only just occurring to her when I said them. But I was only seeing red at the time. When I got out of the shower, she was gone. That was around the time I noticed the HORRIBLE sunburn I'd gotten on my back, from being facedown in the water all day. ((sigh)) I made myself as comfortable as I could (considering my sunburn) in a hammock outside and settled in to read Drums of Autumn. I'd only been there a little while, when John approached.
He had run into Sophie on her way to buy some shampoo and she told him I was here. So he got in the hammock next to me and we chatted for a bit.
"So right after you and Sophie got off the boat, Kirk asked me if we were dating." He said.
I almost laughed out loud and sarcastically said, "Why, cuz we were so touchy-feely today on his boat?" (We didn't even sit next to each other!)
He laughed at that, and gave me a sideways glance, which was unreadable, as usual.
"Well I think he likes you."
"Hmm." Just what I need. Another complication! I ended up telling John that I was mad at Sophie, but I didn't go into the specifics. I just told him I was embarrassed and annoyed about her behavior the night before. He seemed to understand, maybe even more than he let on, but he didn't force the issue.
She returned shortly after and went inside to shower, then John left when I said I was thinking about taking a nap. But I didn't take a nap, I stayed in the hammock and read some more. Then Sophie came out.
"Peyton...?"
I looked up from my book.
"I understand why you're mad, and you have every right to be, and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I was really drunk, and I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, or how it might affect you, or me. I was just wasted. And I know I hurt you, and I'm just really, really sorry."
I couldn't look at her or say anything, I just nodded. I could feel her sincerity and her remorse, and it was validating my hurt feelings and making me want to cry, so I just didn't say anything. She went away.
About a half hour after that, I went in.
"Do you wanna go get something to eat?" I asked her.
She smiled and agreed.
I wasn't ready to forgive her, and I was still hurting, but I was ready to stop being mad. And I really DIDN'T want the short remainder of the trip to be sullied. I just wanted to move on, and have fun again. So I made the decision to make the best of it. And she's my sister. I love her. I knew eventually we'd get through it.
We went to one of the places we hadn't been to yet for dinner, and ran into none other than Kirk! I whined at him a little about my sunburn, but we told him we had a great time, and he asked if we wanted to join him for dinner tomorrow night at this "Great little place" he knew about, so we agreed. Then he disappeared for a bit, and he came back with fresh aloe for me! It was seriously a lifesaver too. I milked Sophie's guilt and made her slather my whole back with it when we got back to the hostel and then we both collapsed into bed.
The next day, I was in so much pain from my sunburn, and so physically exhausted that we really didn't do anything except lay around. John went on another dive, so he was gone the whole day. But we were supposed to go out to dinner with Kirk that night. I ended up getting talked out of that by John though, because he informed me that the restaurant Kirk wanted to take us to was expensive and romantic, and that he probably expected something from me. So I told him I was sunburned and miserable and we couldn't go. Lol. So we decided the 3 of us would go somewhere to dinner, sans Kirk, since it was mine and Sophie's last night in Belize.
So John texted me shortly after he came back from his dive, and this is how this convo went... He was Air B&Bing it there, and had roommates of sorts, sharing a beach with him, from Portland. And he had invited me to go skinny dipping at his place with them. Just in case you're wondering who the "hippies" are that we keep referring to, lol.

So that's what we did. We went to dinner, and didn't say anything else about it. It was still kinda weird though, for me at least. I told Sophie about it of course, and she told me she liked him, a lot, and she thought I should go for it, but I wasn't so sure. MONTHS and months of back and forth, and him being flaky, and the fact that I'd pretty much moved on from the idea of anything ever coming of all that... It was like reopening a door that I had shut and locked a while ago, ya know? And I was feeling so emotionally raw after everything with Sophie and I, I just couldn't deal. I wasn't equipped at the time, and there wasn't really a good way for me to explain that to John. ((Sigh)) But I sent him this message after we got back to the hostel that night.

The rest of our Central America trip was pretty bland. Just a lot of traveling, and being stuck in bus stations and on boat docks, waiting around. And most of that time was spent vacillating between my 2 options for what to do about John. Should I go for it? Or should I move on? ((Sigh)) We did go to a MidSommer Festival party with some of Sophie's Swedish friends who work with her in Guatemala. That was fun. I even danced and flirted with a cute guy, who chatted with me about journalism and photography for the better part of an hour. He got me drinks too!  I was hoping for a just a little bit of making out, but then I found out his ex was also at the party, and he seemed like he might still be into her, so I left it alone. I was heading back to the States the next day anyway.

All in all, my trip was an adventure. Like a rollercoaster with it's ups and downs. And you haven't heard the last of the drama with Sophie OR with John.

Girls Weekend: Part II

Saturday:
So we slept till about noon on Saturday, and then Ali and Bethany showed up. I had had an extra set of keys made for the girls. So they just let themselves in and woke us up. Carrie wanted to go see The Bean, so I had promised to take her to Millennium Park. And of course it was Ali's first day in the city. So we packed up and headed downtown again. We walked around and they took pictures, and Bethany talked on the phone to her annoying boyfriend. Then around 6, we had to head back, because I had to work that night. Since it was Labor Day weekend I wasn't able to get Saturday night covered. Our plan was to have Chicago style pizza at this place near my bar so that I could just walk to work from there. And of course they really wanted to try deep dish pizza. But Bethany insisted that she needed like 2 hours to get ready, since they would all be going out afterwards. So basically what ended up happening is I dropped them off at the restaurant and then went to work. Because Bethany took so long getting ready that by the time we got there, I had to leave immediately.
And when I finally got to work, I was legitimately relieved to be away from Bethany!
When I got home that night, Carrie was already asleep in my bed. And it was hot as fuck. ((Sigh))

Sunday:
So the plan all along had been for us to go to the Sox game on Sunday at 1. Bethany had even arranged her travel plans around it, so that her flight didn't leave till 7 and she would have time to go to the game. Well I set my alarm for like 10 so that I could shower and stuff, even though I'd literally only been sleeping for like 4 hours. And when I get out of the shower, I had a text from Ali.
"So what's the plan? Bethany's still in bed. I'm up. You said be at your place at 11:30, right?"

"Yup."

"I suggest you call Bethany! :)"

"Tell her the bus is leaving at 11:30 whether she's on it or not. I've had 4 hours of sleep. If I have to put up with her shit today I will murder her."

"Lol I have her up! I'm going to be there! I've been up since 8 excited to do something! And I went to bed at 5. I suggested that we check her bag in at the airport and then go to the game since they are close by. Instead of having to come back to get her bag and everything. She thinks that's too much trouble. I said no, that we would just have to leave earlier for the game and we wouldn't be rushed later."

"That makes sense actually. Make her do it. Lol."

"We are bringing the bag to your place! Then you tell her to take it with her to the game and we go to the airport first and then the game."

Ali again, "Ok!! We are checking that bag in before the game!! I told her!! She is game!!! I'm running this biatch up in here today!! For sure!!! No drama like last night."

"Haha...good!"

So everything seem to be in order. Then I get a text from Bethany...

"I don't want my bag to get lost if I take it to the airport now."

"Where would it get lost? Why don't you just leave your stuff here then, and you can take a cab to the airport."

"I'm not sure what's going on with you but you're making me feel like I'm a pain and I'm not welcome. I'm not going to the game. I'll get myself to the airport. Don't worry about it."

"Wtf. Dude, I am exhausted. I had 4 hours of sleep and you're making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal. I was just saying it would be easier to take your bags first rather than go back and forth. And since Ali and Carrie are still here, I don't think they want to spend the whole day planning train trips to/from the airport. No matter what I do, I can't please everybody. You're putting me in a shitty position."

Then Bethany called me. I can't remember what all was said, but she started crying, telling me I'm a shitty friend and that I should have thought about this before now. WTF?! How and why is it my responsibility to plan when we take her fucking shit to the airport!? I have 2 other guests to think about! Then of course I got mad and started yelling, and she was like "FINE! Well I'll just stay here! I don't wanna go to the game if I'm such an inconvenience!" And then I think she hung up on me.

Somehow, Ali convinced her to come anyway, so I'm like, Fuck. This day is going to suck now. So I sent Bethany a text to try to mend things before they got any worse. This is what it said, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, and I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome. You are one of my best friends and your friendship is very valuable to me and I don't wanna fight with you. We are all running on fumes and need naps. I just wanna bake a cake made of rainbows and we can all eat it and be happy." (<-- Mean Girls quote)

Well she didn't even bother responding to my text. But when she and Ali got here, she still had her panties in a bunch about everything because she just assumed that we were ALL going to take the one hour train ride to the airport with her to drop off her bags. And when I told her we didn't have time for that anymore, because we would have had to leave earlier, she blew a fucking gasket. So I told her let's just stick with the original plan and leave her bags at my place and we would get them after the game. But then she started crying again saying she was worried she was gonna miss her flight, and it's the last flight to Houston out of Chicago, and she just wants to go home and WAAAAAHHHH!!
And now Carrie (who was witness to everything up until this point and was really sick of her shit) chimed in, "No, it will be fine. We'll leave the game a little bit early, and we'll time it just right. You'll make it in plenty of time."
Which she would have anyway because no baseball game lasts 7 hours!!!! Her flight wasn't till 7 and the game was at 1! CHEESE & RICE!
But she still kept bitching and making up every excuse she could think of about why that wouldn't work. And she said she was just gonna stay home. And I was like, "Well what are you gonna do then?"
"I don't know, just sit here!"
And Carrie was like, "Ok well we'll probably be back before you leave."
And that was when Bethany realized that we weren't all going to beg her to come, so she was like, "Fine! I'll just come to the game! If my options are to sit here and be miserable or go to the game and be miserable, I might as well go!"
And we're all looking at each other like FUCK!
So we leave the apartment. FINALLY.
And then Bethany says something about "us" all going to the airport with her and I'm like, "Well we're not all going to the airport. That would be silly."
And she looks at me like I just smote her or something. And I say, "It's no big deal, I'll just give you the directions and you can take the train. It's really easy."

"I am not taking the train by myself! I'll get lost and miss my flight! And I can't believe that you expect me to go to the airport by myself! This whole trip has just been about you! I can't believe you're being so selfish!"

"I'm being selfish?? If I take you to the airport, what are Ali and Carrie supposed to do during that 2 1/2 hours that I'm gone?"

"I don't care! That's not my problem! This doesn't even have anything to do with them!"

Then Carrie, who is now irate and tired of sitting idly by says, "Bethany, I love you, but I'm sorry, you're being really difficult-"

"Shut the fuck up, Carrie! This has nothing to do with you!"

"OHHHH NO. I am NOT doing this." Carrie stops in the middle of the sidewalk. "This has nothing to do with me?!? This is my vacation too! And I bought my ticket way before you did! I'm sorry if I don't wanna spend all day in the airport! I took the train here by myself and it was fine, you need to grow up and stop acting like a child!"

So then Carrie and Bethany continued to yell at each other. Keep in mind that this is happening on the sidewalk, on our way to the train.

Then Carrie storms off ahead with Ali, and Bethany's like, "So is she the reason you don't wanna take me to the airport?? All that stuff you said to me earlier, was that just what she was telling you to say!?"

"NO! That is ridiculous! I was telling that I don't want to take you to the airport because there are two other people here, on vacation, that don't want to sit on the train all goddamn day! Why can't you just take a cab?!"

"Because I don't wanna spend any more money, Peyton*! If I would have known that you weren't gonna take me to the airport, I wouldn't have come!"


*(She didn't seem to have a problem spending money on Friday when she was buying everything in sight!!)


"Stop being so dramatic! GOD!! This is so fucking ridiculous!! I just wanted to go to the fucking game, and relax, and drink, and have a good time, but now everybody's pissed off because you decided to get on your little high horse and throw a fucking temper tantrum!"

"Oh I'm being dramatic!? Haha! That's hilarious. So you're saying it's my fault that everybody's in a bad mood now??"

"YES!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!!! You know what?! Fuck this! I don't even wanna go anymore."

Ali and Carrie were already on the other side of the turnstile but I had to get as far away from Bethany at that moment as humanly possible. So I turned around and started walking back to my house. Carrie came out after me, and in a moment, which I am now referring to as a rage black out, I kicked and swung my purse at a pole. I have never been so mad in my life. Seriously! We all laughed at my Hulk Smash moment later that night (after Bethany was gone), but really...not my finest moment.


Well I'll skip ahead a bit, cuz I think you guys probably get the gist by now. We finally get on the train to the Sox game. Bethany sits on one side of the train car, and the rest of us sit on the other side. Her choice. Whatever. Lucky for us, I brought vodka, so we immediately begin taking shots, and we are already feeling better just being away from Bethany. We all just needed some time to cool off I think. When we got off the train, Bethany and Carrie still didn't speak directly to one another, but Bethany was cordial to me again, and sort of just acted like nothing was wrong. I gave her a shot of vodka. We went to the game, we left early, Bethany decided to take a cab to the airport. Ali and Carrie got off at Chicago and State so Carrie could show Ali the Hancock building, and I went the rest of the way home with Bethany. She packed up and her cab came and she was gone! FINALLY!!


Then I met up with Ali and Carrie downtown and we went on a wonderful, relaxing, drama-free sunset cruise! It was amazing. Then we had dinner, and went home. They both left the next morning, and I felt terrible that their trip had to be sullied by Bethany's horrific attitude. But I can't tell you how nice it felt to have my apartment back. To be alone. And to SLEEP. AT LAST!!! And I finally broke down and bought an AC unit. Of course the temp dropped to 70 the very next day. ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm not sure what this has done to me and Bethany's friendship. She called me once after she got home, and just acted like nothing had ever happened. So I guess that's her way of dealing. But I can't just sweep all that under the rug. She is not the same person I befriended 5 years ago. And to be honest, she is not the type of person I would choose to be friends with today. I mean I know she's been through a lot over the past couple of years, what with her mom passing away and everything, but when did she become so entirely self-centered?? I definitely don't plan on inviting her back any time soon, that's for sure. And if this damage is ever going to be mended, it's going to take a long, long time.

Orlando or Bust!

Ever been so tired, you felt drunk?? That was me and Lexi last night. Omg...Thursday Harry Potter World, Friday Sea World, Saturday Disney World. We've had a crazy couple of days! We were at Magic Kingdom for 13 hours yesterday!!! Today is relax day. Lol. The weather here in Orlando is amazing and we've been having so much fun. Tomorrow we're going back to Harry Potter World, and then Tuesday, it's back to Chicago. :(
Matt actually did text me on Thursday. We chatted almost all day! He didn't believe I was really at Harry Potter World, so I kept sending him pictures, and he kept saying I probably just found them on facebook. Lol. I haven't heard from him since Thursday, but I've been pretty busy with other stuff, so I'm not gonna worry about it. Brazil and I have been chatting online pretty frequently though. He actually really pissed me off the other night because he started this debate over who's a better wizard: Gandalf, or Harry Potter. And I was like, You're not supposed to compare the 2!! They are 2 completely different stories, written in 2 completely different worlds, in 2 completely different time periods!!! So why do you have to make comparisons?! Then he posted a status on facebook, which he tagged me in, saying he was arguing with me over who was better, and then of course millions of people were commenting on it, talking shit about Harry Potter... Ugh. He hasn't even read any of the books! Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings! I've read all of them, and I'm sorry, but I enjoyed reading Harry more. And that is just my personal opinion!, which I am, of course, entitled to, and I don't expect anyone else to share! But don't talk shit to me about Harry Potter if you want to remain friends. Lol. I warned him, but he just didn't listen. So I signed off facebook chat, and refused to talk to him for a day. Lol. He sent me millions of apologies, and posted on my wall and everything. It was pretty funny. The next day I told him I was over it, but that I hope he learned his lesson.
Anyway, I'm not so sure about Brazil anymore... Not because of the Harry Potter thing just because...I don't know. I feel like there are just some things about him that might be red flags. Things that don't quite add up. Like the fact that he was staying with some chick in Rio for a week and spent NYE with her, and the fact that some girl posted something on his facebook wall about having a "date night" when he gets back to the states, and more of the same. It seems like he just has a lot of girls around... And that shit doesn't usually fly with me. But we'll see...

Anyway, I stole away from the family to come in here and post, but I don't think it'll be long before one of my little cousins comes busting in here, so I better sign off for today. More soon!

XOXO,

Peyton

Clear The Air

Remember how I mentioned Ted a while back, cuz I thought something was gonna happen with him?

Well it happened. He texts me quite frequently, which is fine. In fact, I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the attention, but I'm not interested in him romantically at all. So I feel like I need to keep the boundaries clear, and not be too...nice. Lol. That is, too misleading. So I'm pretty curt, abrasive, and sarcastic towards him. I mean, I'm like that anyways, I just don't hold anything back. And I tease him. But that's just me! That's the way I communicate with certain people, and Ted seems to not be deterred by it at all. At least not until now. So let me just copy our conversation...

Ted: What you doing?

Me: Pinterest

Ted: Cool...I just saw a picture of you on Halloween, jealous I didn't get to see ya. I moved btw...

Me: To Canada?

Ted: No
Ted: To Ukrainian Village
Ted: Anyway also wanted to tell you that shot of you in the chair is great too... [in reference to a photo I have up on facebook]

Me: Thanks.

Ted: You're welcome. (I know that was hard for you..) [In reference to me telling him in a previous conversation to stop complimenting me all the time, cuz I never know what to say. lol.]

Me: Shutup.

Ted: Too bad you never hung out b4 I moved..

Me: Why?

Ted: Bc I'm not gonna be around up there much anymore and I doubt you'll come visit me ALL THE WAY out here

Me: Well it isn't my fault you moved to Ukraine.

Ted: It's your fault we didn't hang.

Me: My FAULT?

Ted: Yup stop yelling

Me: I'm not yelling. And you're the one that's butthurt.

Ted: Butthurt...wow.
Ted: You would call me butt hurt when all I was saying is I wanted to hang out but we're prob not gonna now. Nice Peyton

Me: Wahhhh!

Ted: You're a bitch

Me: Fuck you.

Ted: Never realized what a huge bitch you can be... oh wait yea I did I was letting it slide hoping you'd act normal eventually..who the fuck cares, you're gonna be bitchy? Too late. You really know how to push away guys that wanna hangout with you and thought you were cool
Ted: Bye

Me: Lol ummm...wow. You outright call me a bitch just cuz I teased you and now you're mad? You sure showed me.

Ted: Teased? No called me fucking butthurt cuz I told you I prob wouldn't see you anymore. That's fucking bitchy. You showed me, how dare I be nice to you.
Ted: Craycray

Me: Lol I'm sorry!! G's...


So that's the end...He never wrote me back after that so he really is mad apparently. Looking back, maybe I was a little bitchy, but I didn't think he would take everything I said so literally and so seriously! This was all via text message!! So much gets lost in translation! Oh, and FYI, I've only actually been in the same room with the guy TWICE!! Lol. I feel like if we'd actually had this conversation in person, he wouldn't be so pissed. ((Sigh)) Oh well. I guess I'm just gonna let him cool off and text him tomorrow. Even though I'm not interested in Ted, I still feel bad that he's mad at me. I hate going to bed knowing someone is upset with me. I just like to clear the air. No grudges.

I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.

Let's start from the beginning...

Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.

Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."

So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."

So I stayed.

Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"

"It's loud in here!" He shouts.

"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.

So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"

And he whispers it again.

This happens about 4 times.

On the 5th, I push him away from me.

"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

I shook him off me and walked away.

"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.

Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.

"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."

"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.

"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.

"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.

I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.

ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.

"Come back please!!"

"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."

"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."

This went on until I got to my apartment.

"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.

Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"

"At home."

"I want to see you."

"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."

"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."

"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."

"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."

"Why do you want to come over here?"

"I want to if you want me to...?"

"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"

"What is your address!"

"[My address]"

I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.

"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.

He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.

"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."

"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.

"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."

"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"

He sighed.

"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.

"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.

"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."

I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.

"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."

"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.

"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.

((Sigh))

I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!

If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...

I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!

I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.

So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

Nobody's Perfect

This weekend I opened both Friday and Saturday, so I had my nights off to go out and do as I pleased! Well on Friday, Brandon and I went out with his sister, Summer, and her boyfriend, Dave. We hit a couple of bars and we were having a really good time.
I stopped drinking around 12:30 because I had to work Saturday at 10am, and I knew I was gonna have to drive both Brandon and myself home. Well, Summer's boyfriend, Dave, likes to go shot happy a lot! So he kept buying us all rounds of shots. I kept setting mine on the bar, or handing them out to random people, but Brandon kept drinking. So he was pretty drunk by the time we got to the shot bar, which ended up being our last stop.
When we got there, Brandon ran into a couple of girls that he and his sister knew growing up: a blond and a brunette. The brunette seemed cool enough, but the blond was totally giving me bitch vibes. And I'm not the type to get all catty on girls. Most girls just don't like me. I dunno if it's cuz I'm confident and sarcastic, or if it's cuz they're intimidated by me, or jealous, but girls who don't know me, usually just hate me right off the bat. It sucks. And this was one of those girls. So I was just ignoring her and talking to some friends. But then I turn around and I see her putting lipgloss on my boyfriend and giggling! I immediately grabbed him by the arm and swung him around to face me. He had a blank, drunk look on his face that pretty much said he had no idea what was going on.
"Hey babe! Want some lip gloss??" He slurred as he wiped some of it onto my lips.
I wiped it off right away with the back of my hand.
"No. And will you stop flirting with other girls and close your tab so we can go?" I said irritably.
"I'm just waiting for my credit card." He said.
So I sighed and resolutely turned around.
I asked the bartender to give me his tab, but he told me that Brandon had already closed out. So I turned to walk back over to Brandon, and what do I see but him slapping the brunette's ass! She was standing up on a podium, and her butt was about at eye level with him.
But that was it for me. I was soooo fucking pissed. Without saying a word, I stormed out of the bar and walked over to my bar to close my tab over there.
Bethany was working and she could tell I was upset. I told her what happened and why I had left. "Well what did you say to that stupid blond??" She asked.
"Nothing! I just told him to stop flirting with other girls."
"You should have said something to her. I would have!"
"Well, it's too late now. Whatever... When he sobers up tomorrow, we're definitely having a talk about this." I said.
Bethany empathized with me, and then I headed back over to the shot bar to see if Brandon was ready to go. I almost left him there, I was so mad, but I didn't want him driving in the state he was in, so I went back.
He was still there with his sister when I got there. The 2 sluts were gone.
"Hey Beautiful!" He said when he saw me.
"Are you ready?" I asked impatiently."Yea, let's go." He said, and he took my hand and started leading me outside.
As soon as we were out the door I stopped.
"By the way, I'm really pissed off at you right now." I said.
"What?!" He immediately went from blissfully drunk, to pissed and belligerent.
I brushed passed him and continued walking to the car, assuming he was behind me, but when I turned around, he was gone!
I ran back inside and asked around if he anyone had seen him come back in. No one had. So I went out to the parking lot where his truck was park, just in time to see him driving away!
I freaked out and ran after him. Turns out he was just moving his car to a more remote area of the parking lot so that he could take a leak.
"You can't drive." I said to him as he unzipped, "And you can't leave your car there either. You'll get towed."
"I don't care! You wanna be mad at me for no reason? Fine. Don't worry about me." He rambled on...
I sighed.
"Fine. I'll move it for you." I snatched his keys out of his pocket and got in his truck. I moved it to a parking spot where I knew it would be safe for the night. When I got out of the truck, he was gone. Again!
So I called him.
"Where are you??" I asked frantically when he picked up.
"I'm walking home." He said.
"You can't walk home. You live like an hour away! Just come back to the bar and I'll drive you."
"No! I'm not coming all the way back there!"
The conversation went on like this for quite some time and I was getting nowhere. Now I was just standing outside, in the cold, almost in tears.
That was when Tom walked up. Tom is a mutual friend and coworker, who just happens to be one of Brandon's good friends, and he's a really nice guy.
"Peyton? What's wrong??" He asked as soon as he saw me.
I just shrugged and the tears started coming. Tom hurried over to me.
"What happened??" He asked again.
I hung up the phone."It's Brandon... I don't know where he is. He's drunk and he took off on me and he said he's walking home."
"What!? He can't walk home, he'll never make it all the way out there!"
"I know!" I said, "But that's what he said."
"I'll go find him. Don't worry. Just wait here." He said, and he got in his car and drove off.
I sat on the curb and put my head on my knees.
How could this be happening?? I thought.
It seemed like forever till they came back. Brandon was passed out in the passenger seat of Tom's car.
"He was on the side of the highway!" Tom said, "I don't even know how he made it that far."
He woke him up and practically put him inside my car.
"Where are my keys? I can drive!" He said.
"No way dude." Tom said. "No way you're driving. Your truck will be fine here. You can get it tomorrow."
"Thanks Tom." I said, "I owe you one."
"Don't worry about it." He said.
And we drove off.
We sat in silence for a couple minutes, then finally I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Don't you wanna know why I'm mad??" I asked.
He mumbled something unintelligible.
"Look. If you wanna go out and have a good time and act like you're single, that's fine. But you don't need to have a girlfriend if you're gonna do that. Because I will not be made a fool of, and I will not be disrespected like that."
"What are you talking about?" He asked.
"Uhhh, I'm talking about you smacking girls' asses and letting them put lipgloss on you." I stated.
"Fine. I'm a horrible boyfriend. You can leave me if you want."
"Shut up. You're not gonna play the guilt card on me. That's not going to work. Look, I know that you're wasted, and I'm probably not gonna get anywhere with this tonight, but I just wanna say what's on my mind right now while I'm still feeling this way. Because what you did really hurt my feelings."
He didn't respond to that, but when we got to my apartment he tried to walk the opposite direction.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To my truck." He said.
I almost laughed. "Your truck isn't here, remember? You're staying with me."
"Oh." He said.
When we got inside he immediately went to the couch.
"I'll just sleep here tonight, since you hate me." He said.
"No, you won't. You're coming to bed. Come on."
I grabbed him by both his arms, and though he put up a good fight, I finally dragged him into the bedroom. He got in bed and almost immediately passed out. I took his jeans and his t-shirt off him and then got ready for bed myself.
Once I finally got in bed, I just wanted to cry. I took Oliver out of his cage and snuggled with him for a little bit till I felt better.
Then I rolled over and looked at the boy laying next to me. He looked so beautiful, so innocent and vulnerable, and so peaceful. And so easily he hurt me. ((Sigh))
I guess every relationship has it's downs and it's flaws. I mean, I can't expect perfection out of him.

New Orleans

I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. My whole body aches. Ugh...
Friday night was pretty busy, and I didn't get home till around 4, which gave me only 3 hours to sleep before I had to drive to the airport. I already had everything packed, not just for New Orleans, but for the party Sunday too.
So when 7 am came, I just got out of bed and left.
The flight was too short to take a nap, and I had just drank a RockStar energy drink, so I was tired, but unable to close my eyes. My dad picked me up at the airport and we drove over to my grandparents' house. I haven't been there since before Hurricane Katrina. It's weird how everything looks the same, but different. Not because of the hurricane, just because I have all these distant childhood memories of that place, ya know? And my memories don't really match up to what I saw. Everything just looked so...small! There's this house about 2 doors down from them, and Sophie and I used to think it was this big haunted mansion. Lol. But really it's just a larger than average suburban house. Maybe 5 bedrooms. ((sigh)) It still looks kind of creepy though.
Anyways, Sophie and Brent had driven straight through the night from Florida to get there, so when we arrived, they were upstairs sleeping. Which was exactly what I was intending to do, but I just couldn't seem to escape the family and the excitement and get some shuteye. So I gave up and played with my cousin, Lily. My Aunts Jessica, Josie and Suzanne were already there.
After an hour of visiting, my mom and the aunts headed over to the church to set things up for Poppa and Grandma's 50th Wedding Anniversary party. I went with my Dad, Uncles and cousins to the French Quarter where our hotel was.
Then me and my dad, Noelle, Maddox, Macie, Uncle David, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna and their future step father, BC, (and my future uncle!) all decided to walk a couple blocks down the street for lunch. We ate at this authentic cajun place. It was really good! And of course, we goofed off and played games at the table. The "adults" and Maddox were sitting at a different table, than me and the teenagers. We played this game where you open a bunch of sugar packets, as many as there are people playing, and you dump one of them out, and fill it with salt. Then everybody picks a packet, and you all dump them in your mouth at the same time and try to guess which person got the salt. Lol. But if you get the salt, you have to try not to make a face! Haha, so juvenile, I know. But it was fun.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel to get ready for mass, the vow renewal ceremony, and then the party. Everyone met at the church. I finally got to say hi to Sophie and Brent, and my Uncle Dan, who I hadn't seen yet. Uncle Dan recently had a stroke, about 4 months ago, which left him pretty much helpless for 3 weeks. So my mom and Aunts had to take turns staying with him and helping him out. He in the middle of a law suit now with the hospital, because he went to the hospital 3 times with symptoms and they misdiagnosed him every time! Anyways, he has a slight limp now, but he's still in high spirits.
The ceremony was nice and touching, and party was fun and relaxing. By this time, my lack of sleep was really starting to catch up to me. Finally we headed back to the hotel and we all went swimming. Then I got into a superfun fight with my mom, about the dog again. I don't know why she always feels the need to bring the same shit up and nag me about it, every time I talk to her! I mean I was having a good time, I was in a good mood, and then she tells me that if I get a dog (which I already have, she just doesn't know about it. He's getting here Wednesday!), then she's gonna "get rid of" Benny. Benny is my childhood dog, who lives at home with Sophie's dog. They're best friends! They can't be separated! Plus, Mom and I never once discussed me taking Benny, or her getting rid of him when I decided to move up. She's only bringing it up now, because I wanna get a puppy, and she doesn't want me to. That's what it all boils down to. It's ridiculous. ((sigh)) I'm still mad at my mother about this too. Even my dad agrees that she can never just...let things be. She always has to stir things up! URRRGH!!!
So now it's the end of the night, and not only am I exhausted, but I'm pissed. Me, Noelle, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna walked down to the Cafe du Monde to get some beignets. I wanted to get some fresh air, and clear my head, and not think about my mother.
Afterwards, I finally went to bed. And I slept like a rock. Until I had to get up 5 hours later and hop on another plane. ((sigh))
And that is a story for another blog.

The Return Of The Ex...

Well I just got back from Austin yesterday. The trip was short and sweet, but much needed. It was like a mini high school reunion. Me, Rikki, Izzie, Shane and Megan had 2 wonderful girls' nights.
This entire week has been kinda up and down though. On Thursday afternoon, my mom called me while I was still in Austin. She told me might have breast cancer. ((sigh)) I totally freaked out. I mean I know breast cancer is generally curable and not that serious, but I just never thought it would happen to my mom. Ya know? So I was really upset and crying in the middle of a department store ((ugh...)) and thought I might go home early. But my girls cheered me up, and begged me to stay, so I did. And I'm glad I did.
We went out to 6th St on Thursday night, and had a blast. Izzie and Megan's husbands stayed at the apartment and played Wii, so it was just us girls. I even met a guy! He approached me, talked to me, acted interested, and asked for my number. But I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch, so I'm not gonna say anything else about him right now. Except that he did text me last night asking me if I had fun. I told him yes, and that I wished I could have stayed in Austin longer.

So, in other news, my ex is in town. The Psycho.
He called me Tuesday.
He's deploying at the beginning of September, so he got some leave time.
((sigh))
Anyways, I was talking to him, politely, asking him how he was doing, etc... And he said he wanted to hang out. Well I had just gotten off work, and it was 12:30 am, so I told him I probably wasn't gonna go anywhere, since I was leaving for Austin the next day.
"Well I'll just stop by and see you later then." He said.
"Later? What do you mean by later??" I asked.
"I dunno, like 3:30 or something."
"What makes you think I'm gonna let you into my apartment at 3:30 in the morning!?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because it's me! And you better be wearing some sexy lingerie too. I know you got some."
I could hear 2 other guys talking in the background. It sounded like he was in the car.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?" I half-shrieked.
"What happened?" He asked, assuming that wasn't meant for him.
"I'm talking to you!" I yelled.
At this point, the conversation went very downhill, and he went on off one of his usual tangents of cusswords and insults. He told me I was an arrogant bitch, and I should go fuck myself, and all this other shit...
I was just sitting there, almost amused really, shaking my head in disbelief.
And I said in a very calm voice, just loud enough for him to hear over his yelling, "You are exactly the same petulant, selfish, immature, dick that you were when we were dating. And you know what? We're not together anymore, so I don't have to put up with your shit. So now, I'm gonna hang up on you, and you're just gonna have to deal with it."
((click))
I sat there for a minute, still trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Had I just had a good old fashioned argument with my ex??
It was like a really twisted sense of de ja vu. Because in the past, I would have gotten really upset, and hurt, and done whatever I could to make him not be mad at me. But this time, I just didn't give a flying fuck! It was awesome. And the best part about it was, I know how he operates. And I know I ruined his entire night. Haha. He probably got all pissed off and stewed in his anger for the rest of the night. Because that is so like him!
So I'm definitely not going to be seeing The Psycho. At least I hope not...

((sigh))

Speaking of exes, Melissa saw Daniel on Thursday leaving the movie theater. He was with Delilah, and some "fugly" girl and another kid. Melissa may have just told me she was ugly to make me feel better, but judging by the other Peyton he dated, I wouldn't be surprised. What I am surprised about, however, is that I haven't run into him yet! But that's definitely a good thing. I'm still not sure I'm ready for that. I still miss him, but I'm doing a lot better. And like they say in He's Just Not That Into You, "It's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.'"
And I am so on that!

Anyway, last night after work, Bethany and I went to IHOP, just the 2 of us, and we sat there for a while, talking. Then my phone beeps. I have a text message. At 4 in the morning!
I looked in my inbox, and saw that it was from a number I didn't recognize.
Well, well, well...
Rusty.
"Hey, you still stayin' up late? -Rusty"
I didn't respond right away, cuz Bethany and I were in the middle of a conversation, but I wrote him back 15 minutes later on my way home.
"I sure am. And apparently you are as well..."
Sixteen minutes later, he responds. How typical. Lol.
"Yea I had a gig tonight. What are you doin'?"
I waited another 16 minutes. Haha.
"Just got home from work and IHOP a little bit ago. Now I'm reading a book in bed. You?"
He responded right away to this one.
"I just got home too. Just telling my roommate about the night."
"So where'd you play at?"
"It's called The Depot. Then we went to a really southern after party."
"Lol nice. Were there people in overalls?"
"Not quite, but it wouldn't have surprised me."
"Ha. Well sounds like had an interesting night. I'm going to sleep now finally. Busy day tomorrow, goodnight."
I wanted to be the one to end the conversation, because I didn't wanna see to eager. Plus I was getting really tired.
And he really needs to just call me. No more texting.

So I finally picked out my dog! He's a goldendoodle, SO adorable! When I get him, I'll post pictures! I can't wait. And don't worry, I know how much responsibility a dog is. I did have a horse, remember?? Puppies are like children. I mean, would you leave your infant home alone? No.
So I definitely have some sitters lined up for when necessary; and as long as he's little, I plan on taking him everywhere! And there's this really awesome dog park right down the street.
Oh! And I'm going to call him Oliver. :)
After Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. Hehe.
He arrives from Indiana in the beginning of September! :) :) :)

All The Missing Pieces...

So Tuesday night, I sent Daniel one last email, just to let him know I was gonna need my stuff back...again.
This is what it said:

((sigh))
Well, it seems we're back to this again. I left a few things over at your place. A purple bag in the bathroom, a couple movies, and my ghostland cd. So I guess, go ahead and bag it up. I'll have Alyssa pick it up or something.
Hope your week gets better.
-Peyton

I knew he wouldn't get it till at least the next day, when he got to work, but when I woke up the next morning, I already had my response.

"yeah cause im really sure thats what she wants to do. pick your shit up!"

WTF??? WHY did he have to give me such a rude response?? I didn't reply.
I was venting to Bethany on the phone about it, and she offered to get my stuff. She said I should tell Daniel that she would like nothing more than to go get my stuff, actually. Lol. Of course, I didn't tell him that. I didn't tell him anything at all.
Yesterday afternoon, I sent Whitney a text, asking him if he was gonna be home in the evening. He said yes, and I asked him if he would mind handing over my things to Bethany.
Then he called me.

"What stuff did you leave here?" He asked.
"Just some movies, and a CD and some stuff. Daniel should have it all packed up in a bag. I asked him 2 days ago."
"Well...I don't see a bag anywhere. I mean...a lot of shit's been moved around since the last time you've been here." I could hear him digging around.
"Oh. Well...Bethany should be coming over in the next couple of hours. Maybe you should just call Daniel and ask him where it is." I suggested.
"Ok, I guess I will then. Just let me know when she's on her way."
"Ok no problem."

As soon as I got off the phone with Whitney, Bethany called.
"Hey I'm almost there!" She said.
"Already?? Ok, well I gotta call Whitney and let him know."
"Alright, I'll just call you when I get there."

So I called Whitney back.

"Hey, I'm not seeing any of your stuff..." He said as soon as he picked up the phone.
"Seriously?? Cuz Bethany is already on her way over there - Oh shit! - Did you call Daniel?"
"Yea, why?"
"Cuz he's calling me right now!" I started to panic.
"Well answer it!" He urged.
"NO! I don't wanna talk to him!" I said, my voice rising an octave.
"Just talk to him." Whitney demanded.
"Fine." I huffed as I clicked over.

"Hello?"
"It's Daniel."
"I know."
"Ok, well Bethany is not picking up your stuff. If you want your stuff, you can come over and get it." His words spilled out as if he was hissing them.
"Um, well Bethany lives a lot closer to you than I do-"
"I don't care! You can set aside a time to come pick it up, or I can bring it to you, but I don't want some strange person going through my apartment looking for your stuff. I haven't even had a chance to get it all together yet." He snapped.
I was so taken aback by his reaction, I didn't know what to say.
"...okayyyyy..." I stammered.
((click))

He hung up on me! WTF?! I didn't even get a chance to tell him that Bethany was already there. I huffed and began dialing Whitney's number.

"He practically yelled at me, and then he hung up on me!" I complained when he answered.
"Hi Peyton!" Bethany called from the background.
I gave Whitney the gist of our conversation, and he agreed with me that Daniel was acting just a little psycho.
"Well, I'll just tell you where my stuff is, and you can hand it to Bethany." I compromised.
"Nah, just talk to her." He said and handed her the phone.

It took us all of 5 minutes for her to gather my things and leave, before she passed the phone back to Whitney. Then he sat there on the phone with me and went on and on about how if Daniel really was the one, I would know, and things wouldn't be so difficult, and I wouldn't have to try so hard, bla bla bla...
Finally when he said he never exactly saw Daniel giving me "googoo eyes" I had to interject.
"Ok, are you trying to make me feel better or worse??"
"Why? Am I making you feel worse? I wasn't trying-"
"I just don't wanna think about it." I interrupted.
"Yea, I understand..." He said, before going off on another tangent.
In the end, I had to feign another call to get off the phone with him. ((sigh)) It was awful.
And now I'm sure Daniel is pissed off at me, on top of everything else.

I just wanted to get my stuff sooner, rather than later, and not drag everything out, like last time. ((sigh))

I went and saw Sex & The City alone tonight after work. Daniel had been promising to take me. He actually wanted to see it. And let me tell ya, there is nothing more depressing than going to a movie alone. Especially that movie. Too much about couples, and breaking up and getting back together... I was trying not to think about Daniel.
Mission failed.

Moving Day

The rest of Monday night was bittersweet. After Whitney finally left, Daniel asked me what was wrong.

I tried explaining how I felt about Whitney being an asshole to me just for the hell of it, but he says I do the same thing to Whitney. ((sigh)) We got into a little argument because of that, but we talked it out, which was really nice. And then we drank an entire bottle of rum, and had wild passionate sex.

No, seriously. Lol.

It was AWESOME. Hahaha.



So Tuesday, Daniel tells me we need to go to his leasing office to pick up a copy of his contract. The U-Haul store won't let them get a truck unless you have a major credit card, which they'll put a $75 hold on, or if you're paying cash, they need a passport, or legal contract, or some kind of collateral. Oh, and guess what!? Daniel has to rent the truck because Whitney doesn't have a valid driver's license. Because he can't get it renewed. Because he has warrants. (@#$!$^!#&^%$%$@%^*&^!!!!) <---- That is how I feel about that. Whitney is 31 years old!!! GROW UP ALREADY!!! UGGGGHHHH!!

So, once again, everything is up to Daniel to take care of. And since he wanted to pay cash, he needed to get a copy of his lease. Well, we head over there around noon, and for some reason, they couldn't give him a copy because the broker still hadn't signed it! Daniel was really frustrated about that. So he calls Whitney to tell him. And we were sitting in my car in the parking lot, and I could hear everything Whitney was saying. And guess what that fucker had the audacity to say!?

"Well, does Peyton have a credit card we could use?"

YEA. FUCKIN. RIGHT. Like I am going to be financially responsible for his loser ass because he doesn't have any money or a driver's license to rent the van himself!? HA! Daniel didn't know I could hear what Whitney was saying though, and all he replied was "I don't know."

At least he didn't ask me.

So then we drove over to Public Storage to try and rent one from them. That was a bust too because Daniel doesn't have car insurance, only motorcycle insurance. And I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with Whitney. I mean what an ungrateful bastard, making Daniel do all this work just because he's an irresponsible boob who can't pay his bills. Ugh...it sickens me. Really.

So we drove back to the leasing office to see if the broker was in. As luck would have it, he was able to get the copy of his contract, and we just barely had time to go over and pick up the truck before I had to go to work.

So we spent the entire 2 days that Daniel had off- 2 days that we could have used to do things we actually wanted to do - running around taking care of shit for Whitney, that he should have taken care of himself.

When I got back from work Tuesday night, at like 3 am, they weren't even back yet! Whitney brought a girl friend over to "help them move" and they were drinking while they did it, which naturally made it take twice as long as it should have. So Daniel got like...4 hours of sleep last night before he had to get up and get ready for work. I am so completely disgusted by this whole situation.
I'm secretly hoping that living with Whitney will make Daniel open his eyes and realize what a selfish, inconsiderate jerk Whitney really is, and then maybe we won't have to hang out with him so much. Is that so evil of me that I don't want them to be friends?? ((sigh))

Well, I'm off to the airport to pick up Sophie and Brent! This weekend's going to be a busy one!

Masks

I really feel like someone out in the cosmos is trying to test me this week. To see how far they can bend me before I break.

Friday I got into a ridiculous argument with Daniel, and went home feeling like crap. I hardly slept at all that night, only to wake up knowing what I would have to face the next day.

Saturday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. My horse. I know to all you who are reading, that may seem silly, but I loved Mister with all my heart. I just couldn't afford to keep him. So I had to sell him. As soon as I got home from the barn, I collapsed into tears while in my closet looking for a pair of shoes. I still haven't been able to bring myself to cash the check.

Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. And it was another night of restless sleep.

Monday I got an email from Daniel, pretty much saying I'm a crappy person. That just made my day. But I kept telling myself it would be ok. I would be ok. And it was starting to work.

By Tuesday I was getting over it.

Then Wednesday evening I get a phone call, and it takes Daniel 30 minutes to tell me how much he cares about me BUT, apparently I'm not worth trying to make it work. So much for getting over it. And you know what? Right now I just feel so worn down, and so...driven into the ground, that I don't even care about trying to pretend it doesn't hurt. Because it does. A lot more than I had imagined it could.

Why can't people ever just say what they really mean? What they really feel? Why does it seem like it always takes me so long just to get to the bottom of it, to get the the real truth? Why do people have to wear masks? Masks of sympathy, masks of sorrow, masks of concern, masks of regret... Don't bother. Just fucking say it.

Wednesday night, I get another phone call. One of my best friends is in the hospital. He had a heart attack. And he's 26 years old. My stomach flew up into my throat as soon as I heard. And I can't even go visit him tomorrow because he's in ICU, and they have really limited visitation hours, and I have to go to stupid fucking Huntsville for a court date tomorrow. What kind of friend am I if I can't even go see my best friend in the hospital??

As soon as I came home I played the piano. For about an hour. It seems to be the only thing that calms me down, without distracting me from what's really going on. I just play what I'm feeling. And then I just cried. Because...this can't be happening...

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads - heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines, oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears (hearts)
They were here first

Whacha say,
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Whatcha say,
That its all for the best?
Because it is

Whatcha say?
That it's just what we need
You decided this
Whatcha say?
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

Boy Drama

I've been spending so much time at Daniel's, that I've hardly even had the opportunity to sit down at a computer!
Austin last weekend was...ok. I mean there were just too many people, all wanting to do their own thing, and it ended up being more stressful trying to cram everything in, than it was fun! But during the day, Shane, Izzie and I did go to the greenbelt for a swim, and that was a blast! Shane's new house is awesome, and I like her roommates too. Shane and Izzie got into a little tiff on Sunday because Shane didn't want Izzie to bring her husband to brunch. Sometimes, Shane can just be really...bitchy! I mean, I dunno how else to put it. But I felt really bad for Izzie, cuz she really wanted to hang out, but she had already spent the whole day with us the day before, and her poor husband just wanted to spend some time with her! But Shane made her feel unwelcome, so she ended up not coming. I talked to Izzie about it on Monday, as I was driving home, and I apologized to her and told her I wished she would have come.
I ended up going over to Daniel's and I've spent every night there so far! And we've been having so much fun! Tuesday after work, he took me for a ride on his Ducati. OMG! It was AMAZING! Talk about a major turn-on...
We went to a couple bars to meet up with his friends, and then on our way home, I asked him to stop by my work to see if they had put up the new schedule yet. Well, they hadn't, but as I was walking back out, Gavin and Sierra were standing outside, and Daniel was sitting on the bike, in the parking lot, with the engine running, just waiting for me.
"Wow, that guy sure has on some tight pants!" Gavin said, and laughed.
I stopped, turned around, and looked at him, incredulously.
"Jealous much?" I said, and walked off.
Since when did he become the authority on fashion!? He doesn't even know how to dress himself! Seriously! And Daniel is actually a pretty good dresser, thank you very much! Not to mention, he wasn't wearing tight pants. At least not any tighter than a normal pair of jeans. He was sitting on a bike! Ugh... I just couldn't believe that. Seriously.
But whatever, I rode off into the night on a motorcycle with a hot guy, while he got to the stand there and watch with his annoying, 20 year old girlfriend. Ha!

Wednesday, Daniel and I went out again to meet his friends, and we had a minor disagreement about his smoking habits. Basically, he got kinda drunk, but I didn't since I was driving, and he just kept smoking and smoking! And I hate that! Plus he was kind of ignoring me, and I don't know any of his friends. So I was getting irritated. Then when we were in the car, driving to the next place, he asked me what was wrong.
"Well, you know I don't like smoking, and if you're actually trying to quit, that's fine. But I don't understand why you have to do it in front of me!"
"I can't believe you right now." He said.
"Why not?? You knew from the beginning that I can't stand smokers. And I'm sorry if I feel like I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone. I mean, not to sound cocky or anything, but other guys do ask me out."
"Oh so you're just settling for me then??"
"NO. I'm not. I really like you, which is why this bothers me so much!" I protested.
"Let me out of the car." He said. We were in the middle of the street.
"What? No!" I said, and locked the doors.
"Just let me out. I can walk from here."
"No you can't. How will you get home? I'm not letting you out."
"I'll find a ride, just let me out!"
"Seriously??? Are you really getting this dramatic on me right now? Why can't you just talk to me?"
"Because. I have nothing to say to you." He said. And then he got out! (We were at a red light.)
So I turned the car around, and ended up parking it in some random person's driveway and literally chasing him. So ridiculous...
In the end, we talked and worked it out, but I still haven't forgotten his dramatics. I mean, he apologized to me that night, and then again the next morning. And he admitted he was pretty drunk, but who wants to deal with that kind of drama!? I thought I graduated from high school. ((sigh))

Our First Fight

Yesterday I did a photoshoot with Bethany, which went awesome by the way! And then we went and had Mexican food and margs, and we still had plans to do our usual Wednesday night gig; cocktails in midtown. Daniel and his friend, Ronny were supposed to meet up with us at 10:30. So we both got all dolled up and headed to Pandora, which is our new favorite Wednesday night spot.
Did I mention that Daniel's phone is shut off?? Yea...I mean seriously! What is it with these guys and their phone bills?! Sheesh... So anyways, Daniel told me he was gonna call me from Ronny's phone. Well, 10:30 rolls around and still haven't seen or heard from him. So I was starting to get a little annoyed. Especially since 2 of Bethany's guy friends were there, and I felt a little out of the loop with no one to talk to.
Well, finally they show up! And the first thing the 2 of them do is say hello, and walk off to the bar by themselves. But hey, no big deal, they were just getting drinks. So then they come back and join us, and I suggest we go sit down on one of the couches. So Bethany and I walk over to the couch and sit down, and I look up, and Daniel and Ronny are gone!! I was already peeved by this point, and the fact that Daniel seemed to be more into Ronny than me, was starting to piss me off. They literally disappeared for about 15 minutes, before it occurred to me that they probably went outside to smoke.
Yes, Daniel smokes. I know, I've broken up with guys for less than that, but Daniel's smoking doesn't really bother me because 1) I can never smell or taste it on him, and 2) He doesn't do it that often. In fact, I think he mostly just does it when he's with Ronny.
Well, 5 more minutes go by before they come back inside, and take a seat on the couch across from us! I was sitting smack in the middle of the couch, I mean there was plenty of room for Daniel to sit next to me, but he chose to sit across from me, next to Ronny. Weird. So I beckon for him to come over and sit by me, and we talk for about 10 minutes. And then, he gets up and disappears somewhere with Ronny again. By this time I was so pissed off, I hardly noticed when one of Bethany's friends approached and sat down.
"Hey, I'll be right back." I said to Bethany. She just nodded in acknowledgement and continued talking to her friend. I walked over the bar nearest the patio, and offered to by the bartender a shot. I mean I didn't wanna drink alone. She accepted and ended up buying the round. I stood there for a while and people watched, and just stewed in my frustration. Then someone taps me on the back. It's Daniel. And he has 2 other strange guys with him. One of them was a sleazy 5o-something year old who kept making really cheap passes at me. I tried at least 3 times to make eye contact with Daniel, just hoping he would notice that this guy was bothering me, and help me out. But not once did he look in my direction!! I must have been steaming at the ears by this time. So I grabbed my drink, and pushed right past Daniel without saying a word, and went to go find Bethany.
She was at the other bar, with her friend ordering shots. I told her what had happened, and that I was pissed, and she suggested we go back over there. But by the time we got there, he was gone again. ((sigh)) So we had a couple shots and stayed where we were.
Then finally, I get a text from Ronny's phone.

"Where are you?"
"Back bar." I responded.

Then they appeared again.

"Oh my god! You guys are still here??" I said to Daniel, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"We were just looking for you." Ronny said.
"Hm. I'm surprised you even noticed." I said.
"What's the matter?" Daniel asked.
"Nothing. But if you just wanted to spend your night with Ronny, you didn't have to bother coming to meet up with me and my friends." I said.
"What!?" He seemed genuinely surprised.
"Um...hello?!?! You've hardly said 2 words to me since you've been here! The only person you've spoken to is Ronny!"
"Wait... Are we fighting right now??" He asked.
"YES." I said.
"Well you just walked away without saying anything earlier! I didn't think you wanted to hang out with me." He countered.
"Apparently you didn't notice that nasty old man practically humping my leg."
"What!??"
"Yea! You were standing right there, and you didn't even notice! I didn't even think you noticed when I walked away!"
"Well I did." He said.
He looked down, his brow furrowed.
"I'm sorry." I could tell he meant it. "I just...I'm shy around people I don't know, and Ronny is like...a comfort zone. I didn't mean to ignore you. I really do wanna hang out with you."
All I could do was sigh. I mean what do you say in the heat of an argument when your opponent genuinely apologizes??

I drove him home that night, and we talked. About his issues, and mine, and we just...worked it all out! He promised not to ignore me when Ronny is around again, and he kept apologizing to me. Then he told me that he's so head over heels for me, I don't even realize. :)

((sigh))
Everything he said was like...the right thing to say. Almost too perfect. And I don't know if this is the cynical side of me that's questioning everything he does, or if it's instinct. But I'm starting to really like this guy...

Demetri Of The Day:
"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille."