Monday, October 5, 2009

I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.
Let's start from the beginning...
Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.
Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."
So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."
So I stayed.
Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"
"It's loud in here!" He shouts.
"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.
So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"
And he whispers it again.
This happens about 4 times.
On the 5th, I push him away from me.
"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.
I shook him off me and walked away.
"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.
Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.
"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.
"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.
"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."
"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.
"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."
We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.
"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.
I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.
ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.
"Come back please!!"
"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."
"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."
"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."
This went on until I got to my apartment.
"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.
Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"
"At home."
"I want to see you."
"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."
"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."
"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."
"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."
"Why do you want to come over here?"
"I want to if you want me to...?"
"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"
"What is your address!"
"[My address]"
I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.
"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.
He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.
"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."
"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.
"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."
"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"
He sighed.
"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.
"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.
"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."
I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.
"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."
"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.
"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.
I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!
If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...
I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))
I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!
I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.
So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.


Anonymous said...

I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Good luck with the talk!

Anonymous said...

WHY do you keep calling these girls sluts?! You're seriously doing a disservice to all females by acting that way. They're just girls who see the same thing in YOUR EX that you do. They're no more sluts than you are.

Peyton said...

I call them sluts, because i hate them! I hate them for taking something from me, for haunting my thoughts with images of them with the man that I love. I would think any woman in my situation could understand that. It's not because I have any confirmed evidence that they are sluts, I just hate everything they represent. Stop nitpicking people!!

StarzGazR said...

i was just gonna say the same thing "about calling them sluts"

they don't owe you anything peyton.. TRUST ME i've been where you have been... they might not even know ANYTHING ABOUT YOU-- or of you!

Think about it this way.. when you first met him you didn't care about the girl he was with before you-- WHY?? Because you didn't know here therefore you didn't care.. as long as he was with you and only you...

same thing with these girls.

Never blame the female, they have no loyalty to you-- it's brandon that does!
-remember that!

Anonymous said...

"I hate them for taking something from me, for haunting my thoughts with images of them with the man that I love."

Then why don't you hate him for the same reason? He's the one who stuck his penis in her, who was consious of you while he was picking her up, hooking up with her and fucking her. I understand your pain but you're displacing your anger onto them and not onto the responsible party. Brandon knowningly screwed these girls, they didn't have anything to do with you, but he does.

Anonymous said...

Oh Peyton...You know we all luv you and want the best, but everyone here is right. Those girls didn't do a thing to you, he did.

And your girlfriend didn't make you check his cell either. Did she force your fingers to delete and your brain to read them? Then no, it wasn't her fault.