Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.
Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.
"Just wanted to say hi!"
"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.
"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."
I didn't respond.
"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.
"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.
"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.
"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"
I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.
"Well that's great to know!!" He said.
"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"
"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."
"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."
"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.
"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.
"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"
"Really? Then what are you?"
"I'm Brandon."
"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."
"I'm sorry!"
"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"
"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"
"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."
"I do!"
"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."
"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"
"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"
"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"
"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"
"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."
"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"
"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"
"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."
He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:
"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.
My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!
All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!
I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.


Nic said...

Yup you're right, most people will say "don't get back together, he's hurt you too much already". But that's always easy to say if it's not happening to you.

If he makes you happy when you guys are together, then get back together. But remember you can't go through the whole motion of breaking up and getting back together every few months. It will kill you.
And I know, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but everytime you 2 break up, the blow is harder. And it's always from his pov that the break up happens, because he doesn't know what he wants, or he doesn't love you, or he..he...he, never you. Just think for yourself, and decide if you want him back and if you'll survive the next break up.

Maybe you could start at the very beginning of a relationship and try to understand each other, and him being open about himself, and honest about what he wants. And then slowly let it evolve in something more.

Good luck! *hugs*

Ginny said...

FORGOT ABOUT HIM!!! YOU CAN DO BETTER! Just pretend like he doesn't exist... keep yourself busy to stop thinking about him. TIme heals all wounds, and I know you are hurting now, but you will one day get over him, but if you get back together with him, he'll just dump you again and cause you more pain. Think about it.

Anonymous said...

This is just going to keep going in circle for you, but I'm sure you know that.

I have to ask - why do you keep calling the girl that Brandon had sex with a slut? What did she do to you? BRANDON slept with her, HE is the one that conciously did it. This girl probably doesn't even know that you exist and I think it's really sad that you're taking your anger out on some stranger who hasn't done anything other than sleep with a guy.