I know I haven't written in a while, but it's because I'm reading The Pillars of the Earth and I CANNOT put it down! It's so good!!
Anyways, I finally talked to Todd. Monday night I noticed on his FB page that he and Andrew are throwing their party this weekend, and my feelings were really hurt that he didn't invite me. But then again...I did tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him for a while, so I figured it was my own fault. And I decided to call him.
He answered the phone on the first ring. He was in the car with Andrew. We chatted for a bit, but I still felt kind of awkward. He did invite me to the party, but obviously, at such late notice there was no way I would be able to get off work at the bar. I wouldn't have gone anyways, it's just...still a little weird for me. Mostly I just feel discredited, and like he thinks I'm crazy or something. Melissa has told me so many things that Jayme has said about me, like that I told her I was going to "murder her in her sleep" for dating Todd, etc etc... So I'm sure she repeated those things to Todd, and I dunno... I just feel like when it comes to Jayme, Todd is completely deaf to everything I say. Our conversation was short, and unfulfilling, and I got off the phone with him still feeling sad, and empty about our relationship. He's going to be home for Easter though, so I'm hoping we can talk and hang out and maybe things can start getting back to normal.
I just got a text message from Brandon. What. Thefuck.
Oh. He just wanted to know if I'm working tonight because he has my Christmas present from Summer. Yea, that's how long it's been since Summer and I have hung out! I miss her. I can't wait till it gets warm again and we can start going out on Mark's boat on Sundays! I hope we do anyway. He has a "serious" girlfriend now, and I'm not sure how she will feel about all us girls coming along on their weekend expeditions to the lake. But we'll see...
There are a couple things I would like to mention about Brandon, since we're sort of on the subject. The last 2 weeks at work have been weird. Not as far as I'm concerned, because it's gotten to the point where I can really be nice to Brandon now. I'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel the need to be hostile or defensive. It's all faded away, finally. Which is nice. And I think because of that, he feels like he doesn't know how to act around me?? I'm not sure. But 2 people have said some strange things to me in the past couple of weeks.
1) Greg made a comment 2 weeks ago, while he and I were doing inventory. I was talking about saving the elephants (they are endangered and there are only enough of them left on the planet to fill 1/3 of a football stadium!!!) and Brandon said something negative, I can't even remember what. But he said it just for the sake of disagreeing with me, because that's what he always does. And I just said, "Well I think you are being negative, and I don't like it", in a jokingly haughty tone. And Greg said, "You two stop flirting so we can finish inventory!"
And I was so shocked, and taken aback by his comment that I was speechless! Literally. Speechless. So I continued calling bottles out to him without another word.
Then later that same night, I was telling Greg about how Nick, my creepy neighbor, was stalking me, and I laughingly pleaded him to come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend. Brandon was standing nearby, but he wasn't part of our conversation, and I didn't even think he was listening, but he said something unintelligible to Greg, and then Greg said something unintelligible back, but I heard my name.
"What did you say??" I asked Greg.
"Oh, nothing! I'm not going to repeat it or I might get my ass kicked!" He said.
"WHAT?? Tell me what you said!" I protested, but he wouldn't.
Then, finally, when Brandon left the room, he told me that he said, "Well if you wanna go home with Peyton, I'll cover for you."
And I was like, "WHY would you say that???" But he just shook his head, shrugged and smiled.
????
2) One of our kind of new girls (not so new anymore, but still new to me), her name is Amelia, who I actually really like, made a comment last week, that Brandon still flirts with me all the time. And I argued that he doesn't, but she just smiled and raised her eyebrows at me, and insisted that he does.
But I don't know. I'm still sticking by my theory that he just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But the idea that he might someday realize what he threw away, and beg me to take him back, is still somewhat thrilling. I know I don't want to be with him, and it would never work out between us, but there are still residual feelings there, lying dormant, deep inside of me somewhere. Because even now, my heart is still racing after seeing his name pop up unexpectedly on my phone. ((sigh))
I wish he didn't have that power over me. I don't even know why he does. It's just like, every time I see him, I'm so aware of him, it drives me crazy!
Anyways, I'm officially calling it quits with Tennis Shoes Dave. I'm just not attracted to him, and I just can't make myself be attracted to him. I'm tired of wasting my time with guys I'm not really that into. He's nice and all but...the chemistry's just not there. And I'm so busy, all I wanna do is have fun and be single when I have spare time.
Ali and I have been hanging out a lot lately, because she just got dumped, and she's been really depressed. So she's been calling me and texting me every day, and we went to the movies on Tuesday. Last Sunday, Taryn and I did a little bit of Sunday Funday. I miss that! Being able to go out all day Sundays, and have fun with my girlfriends. So now, me, Ali, Taryn, and technically Bethany (but not really, cuz she's been seeing Ben's cousin, unofficially) are all single!
Alli and I are gonna hang out this Sunday, so Taryn will probably come too.
And next Saturday, I got the night off! Jenna and I are supposed to hang out, and Todd's gonna be in town, but I haven't decided if I'm gonna invite him out with us yet. I'm sure Jenna will be against that.
But right now I feel like things are really looking up. This morning, me, Veronica and Dana (my officemates) had a meeting with the head honcho boss lady about our projects. We were all really nervous about it, cuz she asks a lot of hard hitting, randomb, obscure questions, that almost no one knows the answers to off the top of their head, but it went surprisingly well! And she thanked us, and told us we were really helpful. So things at work have been good.
And I am really, completely, actually and totally no strings attached. To anyone!
And I feel so carefree! Tonight is going to be a good night at work. I can tell, cuz I'm in such a good mood!
Showing posts with label Greg. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Greg. Show all posts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
It Just Happens.
I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.
The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.
And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.
When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.
The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.
And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.
When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Water Under The Bridge
I appreciate everyone's advice and insight about Cali, but really...it's all just water under the bridge now. If you all remember, we never really had that spark anyways. I don't hate him for not telling me, it just kind of makes me second guess myself, because I knew there had to be something he wasn't telling me! The signs were there. You know, whenever I would ask him questions about his life, he would always turn the conversation around, and deflect my questions back to me. And I always felt like he knew so much more about me, than I knew about him. And that's just not fair. Plus, it just didn't seem feasible that an attractive 31-year old guy with a good job could still be on the market. So I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass for not thinking about that stuff. Oh, and let's not forget, I have dated a guy with a kid before, (Daniel!) and I was totally ok with it. Because I knew about her, going into the relationship.
But really, it doesn't matter, because Cali and I both agreed that things weren't really lifting off. He did send me a couple drunk text messages on New Year's Eve. They just said things like, "i'm soreryr Peyton. im an asshloe." I had to tell him to stop texting me. That was another thing that bothered me. His drinking habits/drunk text messaging. So juvenile! But whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe Cali and I can be friends later down the line, but you have to understand how this makes me feel, because...here I was spending all this time with this guy, against my gut instinct, trying to give him a chance and spilling my guts to him and...I totally put myself out there, and he didn't at all. That just...wasn't fair to me. So for now, I don't foresee us talking any time soon.
Last night at work was decent. It was the old crew working! Brandon was out of town (yay!) so I didn't have to work with him, and most of the newer bartenders were off. So we were kickin' it old school last night, and it was lots of fun. Ali and I got a little tipsy while doing inventory. Lol. And something I haven't mentioned yet... Gavin and I have been having some interesting text message conversations lately. Very flirtatious, very...enticing. Hehe. I anticipate a tryst finally culminating after years of sexual tension and bad timing. Lol.
The thing I've always liked about Gavin is that he's so humble. He's hot, but completely unaware of that, and he's funny, and very down to earth. And ever since we both got dumped, at about the same time, we've sort of bonded through our commiseration. Lol. So...I am interested to see where this is headed. Definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but maybe just a little fun.
Law School is coming home today too. I wonder if I'll hear from him? I'm supposed to hang out with Greg today. We both have off work, but right now I'm just sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Todd's football game. I really miss Todd! Now that he's pseudo-famous and he's always so busy, we hardly ever get to talk anymore. Sucks... I talk to his little bro more than him now!
Well I made a sketch in Photoshop of my New Year's Eve dress! I got a pen touch pad for Christmas and it's awesome! So I just sketched this over an actual picture. Tell me what you think!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
50 First Dates
So on Thursday night, Cali and I went on our first date. He had suggested coffee or drinks, and told me to pick the place. So I suggested a Starbucks inside a Barnes & Noble. That way, if the date was really horrible, I could just escape into the bookstore. Lol. But that ended up not being necessary. :)
He arrived a couple minutes after I did. And upon first seeing him, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I just remembered him in my head as being so much hotter! Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive! I just didn't feel that initial spark you feel when you meet someone that you're undeniably attracted to. So anyways, he bought our drinks, a peppermint mocha for me, and a caramel macchiatto for him. I didn't wanna drink caffeine at that point, cuz I knew I'd never get any sleep if I did. So we sat down at a small 2 person table and chatted away! We talked about everything from my family, to his family, to our interests and hobbies and jobs. I learned that he works for a major company in the oil industry. He does something in oil trading. He used to work on ships offshore for months-on/months-off, and he really enjoyed it because he loves to travel. And he could pretty much live wherever he wanted, which is why he chose California. He's an avid surfer as well. But he said after doing that for several years, he started to get lonely, and he was never able to maintain a relationship, because he was away so much. So he found another position within the company, which ultimately led him here. He owns his own house, has a brand new sports car, he likes dogs, works out (I can tell he has a great body under those clothes!), and he reads!!! All things that I definitely require in a guy!
But despite all that, I just can't seem to shake this feeling that something is missing. And I can't figure out if it's me, or if it's him. Maybe it's the fact that I can tell he's about ready to settle down, and that makes me nervous. Or maybe it's the fact that I've never dated someone this much older than me. I mean, 6 years really isn't that much, but the maturity difference between him, and all the other guys I've dated is exponential! And that's probably a good thing, but it's still a little intimidating. Maybe it's because I'm just not ready to date. With TB, the whole situation is very nonthreatening because I know nothing can actually come of it. He just distracts me and makes me smile, and feel good. And Cali does that too, but obviously I don't know him as well yet. And then there's the fact that I'm just not as attracted to Cali as I am to Brandon. ((Sigh)) And I can't help that.
So all these things are going through my head during the date. And our conversation was really easy flowing, and I feel like he and I could be really good friends, because we have a lot in common and I feel comfortable with him. But I just don't know if it can be more than that. But I'm not gonna give this guy up yet. I'm gonna give him a chance, which is what I've been advised to do by all my friends.
So the day after our date, which was Friday, Cali asked me out again. Saturday lunch. But I had way too much stuff to do that day, so I asked him if Sunday would be ok. And he said, "Sure, how 'bout dinner?"
So we decided on Sunday dinner.
And when Sunday rolled around, I was soooooooo tired from work, and the past week, and everything catching up to me. I slept most of the day, and even thought about canceling. Just cuz I didn't wanna get up, shower and get ready. But I forced myself to do it. I wasn't going to cancel on him!
He picked me up at 8 sharp, and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. Once again, conversation was good, although I did notice he tends to redirect most of the questions I ask him back to me. So I feel like the conversation gets a little one sided at times. Like I'm talking too much or something. But the dinner was great, and we shared some tiramasu afterwards. On the drive home, I was having an internal panic attack, cuz I was afraid he was gonna try to kiss me. I really didn't want him to! I'm just not ready!
So he pulls up to my apartments.
"Well I won't do that whole awkward thing." He said, "I'll just get out of the car and give you a hug."
"Ok." I said. *phew* I had been expecting that conversation to go in a whole other direction!
So we both got out, I thanked him for dinner and we hugged, and I pulled away before the idea of kissing could even cross his mind.
"Do you wanna maybe do something Tuesday?" He asked.
"Um...let me find out what I've got going on this week first, and I'll get back to you." I said with a smile.
"Ok, lookin' forward to it! Goodnight, Peyton." He said as he got in his car.
Tuesday. At this rate, we'll be going out every other day! That's way too fast for me. I mean I admire his persistence. I don't think I've ever been courted with such vigor before. But this is all a bit overwhelming for me, ya know? I mean I hadn't expected or planned for this, and I'm definitely not ready for a serious relationship. And I'm thinking maybe he is. But Cali and I haven't had any kind of conversation about that. And I'm not about to bring it up! So I'm just gonna let it ride for now. I ended up telling him no for Tuesday. I was doing laundry all night and cleaning my apartment. I'm picking up TB from the airport today after work. Seeing him will be refreshing I think. No pressure, just fun.
Here's a little sidenote. On Saturday night after work, Liza and I were talking while we were cleaning the bar. I was telling her about my date with Cali, since she's the waitress who sort of hooked us up.
"He called you?? OMG! I can't believe you actually went out with him! That is so cool! He seems really nice. How old was he again, 31?"
"Yea, " I said, "He's really nice. We're going out again tomorrow night." I couldn't help but notice that Brandon was concentrating a little too hard on cleaning that glass rack.
"Where are you guys going??" Liza asked.
"Out to dinner. He's picking me up!! I dunno why, but I think that's so weird. No one's ever been like, 'Hey I'm taking you here, and I'm picking you up at this time.'" I said, truthfully.
"Wow. He's hot, dude...I could see his muscles under his shirt! I was checking him out for you last Saturday! Haha!"
Way to go, Liza! If Brandon wasn't jealous before, he surely was by now.
So Greg and I were doing inventory together about 30 minutes later, and he asked me about Cali.
"Dude, you can't say that stuff in front of Brandon!" He said half-jokingly.
"Why not?? He doesn't care about me!"
"Sweetie...you know how he is. Even if he doesn't admit it, it bothers him. And he gets all pouty, and quiet-"
"And mopey, and he storms and stomps around, and broods and slams things down, and doesn't talk to anybody?" I said, completing the sentence for Greg.
"Yea, I mean you know! I'm gonna have to comfort him later." He joked.
"Whatever! He brings that trashy new girlfriend of his in here all the time. I'm sick of looking at her pasty, whorish face. So he can just deal with it. I don't care."
"Good for you. I mean you're right, you deserve to be happy, and it's his fault, I mean..."
"He broke up with me! I mean, what, does he just want me to be miserable for the rest of my life???"
"Yep. He just doesn't want you to move on." Greg stated.
"That's ridiculous. I've spend enough time pining over him already. And I may not like him very much, but I wouldn't wish him a lifetime of unhappiness!"
"I know, Sweetie. He's just... You know how Brandon is."
"Unfortunately."
Another 30 minutes later, we were all sitting in the back counting money, when I noticed Brandon in the corner all by himself. I nudged Greg and whispered, "I think what we were talking about earlier is happening right now!"
Greg looked up, smiled, and nodded emphatically.
"Is it horrible of me to feel absolutely giddy about that?"
Greg just laughed and shook his head. "NO." He said.
So Brandon is a little jealous, huh? I'm honestly surprised. I mean he has his cheap, easy, no-strings-attached fuck. And apparently that's all he wants since he can't deal with anyone expecting anything from him. Plus, I was convinced he didn't have any feelings for or about me whatsoever. Maybe it's finally occurred to him that he should have traded up when he dumped me, instead of sleeping with the first piece of trash that spread her legs. None of his friends like her, and no one can understand why he's with her. And seriously, I'm not saying that because I hate or resent her. I'm just stating the facts. EVERYONE I've talked to about that girl tells me she is trashy, and slutty. I'm not woman-bashing right now. I'm sure each and every one of you has met one of these girls before. You know how they are. They have no self-respect, no morals, no standards. And they'll sleep with anyone and everyone. Well wait till Brandon sees me out with TB on Friday night. He can finally have a taste of his own medicine. Bastard.
He arrived a couple minutes after I did. And upon first seeing him, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I just remembered him in my head as being so much hotter! Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive! I just didn't feel that initial spark you feel when you meet someone that you're undeniably attracted to. So anyways, he bought our drinks, a peppermint mocha for me, and a caramel macchiatto for him. I didn't wanna drink caffeine at that point, cuz I knew I'd never get any sleep if I did. So we sat down at a small 2 person table and chatted away! We talked about everything from my family, to his family, to our interests and hobbies and jobs. I learned that he works for a major company in the oil industry. He does something in oil trading. He used to work on ships offshore for months-on/months-off, and he really enjoyed it because he loves to travel. And he could pretty much live wherever he wanted, which is why he chose California. He's an avid surfer as well. But he said after doing that for several years, he started to get lonely, and he was never able to maintain a relationship, because he was away so much. So he found another position within the company, which ultimately led him here. He owns his own house, has a brand new sports car, he likes dogs, works out (I can tell he has a great body under those clothes!), and he reads!!! All things that I definitely require in a guy!
But despite all that, I just can't seem to shake this feeling that something is missing. And I can't figure out if it's me, or if it's him. Maybe it's the fact that I can tell he's about ready to settle down, and that makes me nervous. Or maybe it's the fact that I've never dated someone this much older than me. I mean, 6 years really isn't that much, but the maturity difference between him, and all the other guys I've dated is exponential! And that's probably a good thing, but it's still a little intimidating. Maybe it's because I'm just not ready to date. With TB, the whole situation is very nonthreatening because I know nothing can actually come of it. He just distracts me and makes me smile, and feel good. And Cali does that too, but obviously I don't know him as well yet. And then there's the fact that I'm just not as attracted to Cali as I am to Brandon. ((Sigh)) And I can't help that.
So all these things are going through my head during the date. And our conversation was really easy flowing, and I feel like he and I could be really good friends, because we have a lot in common and I feel comfortable with him. But I just don't know if it can be more than that. But I'm not gonna give this guy up yet. I'm gonna give him a chance, which is what I've been advised to do by all my friends.
So the day after our date, which was Friday, Cali asked me out again. Saturday lunch. But I had way too much stuff to do that day, so I asked him if Sunday would be ok. And he said, "Sure, how 'bout dinner?"
So we decided on Sunday dinner.
And when Sunday rolled around, I was soooooooo tired from work, and the past week, and everything catching up to me. I slept most of the day, and even thought about canceling. Just cuz I didn't wanna get up, shower and get ready. But I forced myself to do it. I wasn't going to cancel on him!
He picked me up at 8 sharp, and we went to a nice little Italian restaurant. Once again, conversation was good, although I did notice he tends to redirect most of the questions I ask him back to me. So I feel like the conversation gets a little one sided at times. Like I'm talking too much or something. But the dinner was great, and we shared some tiramasu afterwards. On the drive home, I was having an internal panic attack, cuz I was afraid he was gonna try to kiss me. I really didn't want him to! I'm just not ready!
So he pulls up to my apartments.
"Well I won't do that whole awkward thing." He said, "I'll just get out of the car and give you a hug."
"Ok." I said. *phew* I had been expecting that conversation to go in a whole other direction!
So we both got out, I thanked him for dinner and we hugged, and I pulled away before the idea of kissing could even cross his mind.
"Do you wanna maybe do something Tuesday?" He asked.
"Um...let me find out what I've got going on this week first, and I'll get back to you." I said with a smile.
"Ok, lookin' forward to it! Goodnight, Peyton." He said as he got in his car.
Tuesday. At this rate, we'll be going out every other day! That's way too fast for me. I mean I admire his persistence. I don't think I've ever been courted with such vigor before. But this is all a bit overwhelming for me, ya know? I mean I hadn't expected or planned for this, and I'm definitely not ready for a serious relationship. And I'm thinking maybe he is. But Cali and I haven't had any kind of conversation about that. And I'm not about to bring it up! So I'm just gonna let it ride for now. I ended up telling him no for Tuesday. I was doing laundry all night and cleaning my apartment. I'm picking up TB from the airport today after work. Seeing him will be refreshing I think. No pressure, just fun.
Here's a little sidenote. On Saturday night after work, Liza and I were talking while we were cleaning the bar. I was telling her about my date with Cali, since she's the waitress who sort of hooked us up.
"He called you?? OMG! I can't believe you actually went out with him! That is so cool! He seems really nice. How old was he again, 31?"
"Yea, " I said, "He's really nice. We're going out again tomorrow night." I couldn't help but notice that Brandon was concentrating a little too hard on cleaning that glass rack.
"Where are you guys going??" Liza asked.
"Out to dinner. He's picking me up!! I dunno why, but I think that's so weird. No one's ever been like, 'Hey I'm taking you here, and I'm picking you up at this time.'" I said, truthfully.
"Wow. He's hot, dude...I could see his muscles under his shirt! I was checking him out for you last Saturday! Haha!"
Way to go, Liza! If Brandon wasn't jealous before, he surely was by now.
So Greg and I were doing inventory together about 30 minutes later, and he asked me about Cali.
"Dude, you can't say that stuff in front of Brandon!" He said half-jokingly.
"Why not?? He doesn't care about me!"
"Sweetie...you know how he is. Even if he doesn't admit it, it bothers him. And he gets all pouty, and quiet-"
"And mopey, and he storms and stomps around, and broods and slams things down, and doesn't talk to anybody?" I said, completing the sentence for Greg.
"Yea, I mean you know! I'm gonna have to comfort him later." He joked.
"Whatever! He brings that trashy new girlfriend of his in here all the time. I'm sick of looking at her pasty, whorish face. So he can just deal with it. I don't care."
"Good for you. I mean you're right, you deserve to be happy, and it's his fault, I mean..."
"He broke up with me! I mean, what, does he just want me to be miserable for the rest of my life???"
"Yep. He just doesn't want you to move on." Greg stated.
"That's ridiculous. I've spend enough time pining over him already. And I may not like him very much, but I wouldn't wish him a lifetime of unhappiness!"
"I know, Sweetie. He's just... You know how Brandon is."
"Unfortunately."
Another 30 minutes later, we were all sitting in the back counting money, when I noticed Brandon in the corner all by himself. I nudged Greg and whispered, "I think what we were talking about earlier is happening right now!"
Greg looked up, smiled, and nodded emphatically.
"Is it horrible of me to feel absolutely giddy about that?"
Greg just laughed and shook his head. "NO." He said.
So Brandon is a little jealous, huh? I'm honestly surprised. I mean he has his cheap, easy, no-strings-attached fuck. And apparently that's all he wants since he can't deal with anyone expecting anything from him. Plus, I was convinced he didn't have any feelings for or about me whatsoever. Maybe it's finally occurred to him that he should have traded up when he dumped me, instead of sleeping with the first piece of trash that spread her legs. None of his friends like her, and no one can understand why he's with her. And seriously, I'm not saying that because I hate or resent her. I'm just stating the facts. EVERYONE I've talked to about that girl tells me she is trashy, and slutty. I'm not woman-bashing right now. I'm sure each and every one of you has met one of these girls before. You know how they are. They have no self-respect, no morals, no standards. And they'll sleep with anyone and everyone. Well wait till Brandon sees me out with TB on Friday night. He can finally have a taste of his own medicine. Bastard.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Hope
So Friday was lots of fun! I went out to eat with Ben, Summer, Bethany and Tug before they went to work. Then I headed over to my old bar to meet up with Todd. When he arrived, he had his girlfriend, Laura, and 2 of her girlfriends with him: Kristin and Brittany. Kristin didn't do much talking, but Brittany was pretty cool. Brandon was working, so I made sure to say hello. We pretty much hit all the hot spots around Houston, including my current place of employment, and my old favorite spots. Todd said he's really looking forward to me and the girls coming to his game next month! He told me to bring my camera, cuz he's getting us sideline passes, and I can get a lot of good shots of him! Which would be awesome!! I can't wait!
I ended up getting a little bit too tipsy that night, so Todd had to drive me home. Brandon texted me around 3:30am and mentioned that he was going out to eat with Mark. So I told him to get me some pancakes. And he did! Lol, but I had already passed out, and didn't even hear my phone when he called. Oh well, he said he saved the pancakes for me.
Last night was Summer and Brandon's Dad's wedding. I was at work, of course, but Summer and Ben stopped in the say hello after the reception. I didn't see Brandon though. Although, Alyssa called me around 2:30 to tell me that he'd been up at the bar, hammered, with his roommate who I hate. And apparently, his roommate was talking mad shit about me! Just great...
I guess Greg mentioned something about Brandon and I hanging out, and Brandon's roommate said I was "delusional" and that there's no way we'd be getting back together. WTF does he know!? He's such an asshole, I can't stand that guy! I asked Greg what Brandon said, but Greg told me that Brandon wasn't even there when his roommate said that stuff, and even if he had been, he was pretty intoxicated. It's not like it was my idea for us to get back together! Whatever, I'm not worry about it. Brandon can hardly stand his roommate. He's always telling me what a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap he is, and how he's wrecked his car 4 times in the past month. It's ridiculous.
So this morning, er, this afternoon, when I woke up, I called Brandon. I didn't mention to him that I'd heard about last night. I just asked him how the wedding was, and how things went with his Dad. He said the wedding was great, and his Dad and him talked, and they agreed to try and communicate better in the future. So that's really great, I'm happy they're getting somewhere. He mentioned to me that he went up to my old bar afterwards, and that he doesn't remember most of it. I thought about asking him about his roommate, but I decided against it. I figured I'd just talk to him later, if at all, when he comes over for dinner. Speaking of which, neither one of us mentioned it on the phone. I mean, I didn't wanna say anything about it, and he seemed a little distracted at the time. He ended up having to get off the phone, because he said he needed to hurry up and return his tux before he got charged extra for it. So he said he'd call me back later.
He wouldn't stand me up for our date. It was his idea! And he knows this is sort of just a trial period for us. ((Sigh)) I guess I'm just feeling a little uneasy because of what his roommate said about me. Even though I shouldn't care, and Brandon supposedly can't remember anything, I just... I dunno. I hope I hear from him soon!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Let's Make A Deal
Wow. Less than an hour after I wrote my last post, I called Bethany, she called her manager/bar owner, and got me a job. They want me to start next weekend! Of course, Bethany told him that I still need to put in my 2 weeks. So then I went up to work to talk to Mr. S. Cameryn was in the office too.
I told them that I didn't want to quit, but that I had another offer, and I'm not making enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, etc. So I asked if I could just change my availability to only working during the week.
But then Mr. S. told me that now would be a really bad time for me to quit, with football season about to start, and that they gave me a really good schedule next week, blabla...
I told him I wanted to be able to pick up shifts at one of the other bars, and he said he'd bring it up in their manager's meeting tonight, but that the reason I've stayed there, is because he thinks I'm a good fit there in particular. I come in ready to work, with a good attitude, and I'm outgoing, etc...
And I told him that I could still be good at the shot bar or something, and that it's been especially hard for me here lately, having to work with Brandon. And he said he understands, and that he's been trying to separate us. I said not to worry about it, it's my bed...I have to lay in it.
But he said no, it's still a work issue. ((Sigh))
Either way, what started out as me going in to give my notice, and request off next weekend, turned into a 30 minute bargaining session, in which I gave in and decided to give it one week.
ONE WEEK.
I'm still going to meet with Bethany's manager tonight though. I'll just have to tell him that I'm not available to work for 2 weeks because the schedule has already been made. But...I'm serious about this Brandon thing. I can't do it anymore.
Greg was there working when I came out of the office. He says I shouldn't let Brandon have the satisfaction of knowing he made me quit. But you know what? I don't care. Why should I stay there just to spite him? I'm the one that's going to be better off by leaving. The only person that's hurting is me. And I just need to get out of there. Besides, it'll be fun working with Bethany and Summer again. ((Sigh))
I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.
I told them that I didn't want to quit, but that I had another offer, and I'm not making enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, etc. So I asked if I could just change my availability to only working during the week.
But then Mr. S. told me that now would be a really bad time for me to quit, with football season about to start, and that they gave me a really good schedule next week, blabla...
I told him I wanted to be able to pick up shifts at one of the other bars, and he said he'd bring it up in their manager's meeting tonight, but that the reason I've stayed there, is because he thinks I'm a good fit there in particular. I come in ready to work, with a good attitude, and I'm outgoing, etc...
And I told him that I could still be good at the shot bar or something, and that it's been especially hard for me here lately, having to work with Brandon. And he said he understands, and that he's been trying to separate us. I said not to worry about it, it's my bed...I have to lay in it.
But he said no, it's still a work issue. ((Sigh))
Either way, what started out as me going in to give my notice, and request off next weekend, turned into a 30 minute bargaining session, in which I gave in and decided to give it one week.
ONE WEEK.
I'm still going to meet with Bethany's manager tonight though. I'll just have to tell him that I'm not available to work for 2 weeks because the schedule has already been made. But...I'm serious about this Brandon thing. I can't do it anymore.
Greg was there working when I came out of the office. He says I shouldn't let Brandon have the satisfaction of knowing he made me quit. But you know what? I don't care. Why should I stay there just to spite him? I'm the one that's going to be better off by leaving. The only person that's hurting is me. And I just need to get out of there. Besides, it'll be fun working with Bethany and Summer again. ((Sigh))
I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Moving
When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.
Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.
((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.
I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.
Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.
((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.
I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.
Friday, August 21, 2009
It All Comes To This?
Oh.
My.
God.
((Sigh)) I woke up too early this morning, feeling like complete shit. I was up all night crying last night. And just when I thought I was getting better...
But I figured, since I was up, I better call my mom and ask her about the weed.
"Hello?"
"Mom."
"Yes...?"
"You took something from my apartment last night." I stated.
"What are you talking about?"
Great, so she's playing that whole 'I'm Gonna Make You Say It' game.
"A jar of weed. From the drawer in my coffee table. What did you do with it?"
"What!? What are you talking about?! I didn't take anything out of any drawer! And why do you have weed at your apartment?!?"
"Chill out, Mom! I was holding it for somebody in exchange for helping me move, and now I have nothing to offer him."
"Wait a minute, so you're telling me, you have drugs in your apartment, and you can't even find them!"
"It wasn't mine! Someone left it at my apartment, I realized this, and then offered it to someone who would want it, instead of paying him for helping me move."
"Well, I didn't take anything."
"Ok, I'm sorry, I must've...done something with it."
"Alright, can I go back to my lunch now?"
When I got off the phone with my mom, I laid there for a minute thinking.
Then it hit me.
"Mother fucker!" I yelled aloud.
He took it.
Brandon.
He used his key, broke into my apartment, and stole his weed back!
That fucking bastard!!!! And now he has the audacity to ask me for his glasses?!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!?
I immediately called Greg.
"Dude...Brandon broke into my apartment and took his weed."
"No way..."
"Yes! After I call my mom, asking her about my missing weed!" I sighed, "You said you saw him with that jar, right?" (The weed was in a strawberry preserves jar.)
"Yea, like...a couple nights ago."
"I can't believe he would fucking do that! What a DUMB ASS! I have half a mind to call him right now, I'm so pissed. He is so not getting his shit back."
"Don't call him, just calm down."
I took a deep breath. Greg had to get off the phone, cuz he was actually in the shower. But I still can't believe his sorry, pathetic ass came into my apartment, without telling me, without my permission. How shady is that?! If someone would have told me, 2 weeks ago, that this was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed them. I never would have believed that he would be capable of something like this. I guess it takes him treating me like crap, and then dumping me on my ass and breaking into my apartment, before I get to know the true Brandon.
I'm going to demand that he give me my key back. Tonight.
My.
God.
((Sigh)) I woke up too early this morning, feeling like complete shit. I was up all night crying last night. And just when I thought I was getting better...
But I figured, since I was up, I better call my mom and ask her about the weed.
"Hello?"
"Mom."
"Yes...?"
"You took something from my apartment last night." I stated.
"What are you talking about?"
Great, so she's playing that whole 'I'm Gonna Make You Say It' game.
"A jar of weed. From the drawer in my coffee table. What did you do with it?"
"What!? What are you talking about?! I didn't take anything out of any drawer! And why do you have weed at your apartment?!?"
"Chill out, Mom! I was holding it for somebody in exchange for helping me move, and now I have nothing to offer him."
"Wait a minute, so you're telling me, you have drugs in your apartment, and you can't even find them!"
"It wasn't mine! Someone left it at my apartment, I realized this, and then offered it to someone who would want it, instead of paying him for helping me move."
"Well, I didn't take anything."
"Ok, I'm sorry, I must've...done something with it."
"Alright, can I go back to my lunch now?"
When I got off the phone with my mom, I laid there for a minute thinking.
Then it hit me.
"Mother fucker!" I yelled aloud.
He took it.
Brandon.
He used his key, broke into my apartment, and stole his weed back!
That fucking bastard!!!! And now he has the audacity to ask me for his glasses?!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!?
I immediately called Greg.
"Dude...Brandon broke into my apartment and took his weed."
"No way..."
"Yes! After I call my mom, asking her about my missing weed!" I sighed, "You said you saw him with that jar, right?" (The weed was in a strawberry preserves jar.)
"Yea, like...a couple nights ago."
"I can't believe he would fucking do that! What a DUMB ASS! I have half a mind to call him right now, I'm so pissed. He is so not getting his shit back."
"Don't call him, just calm down."
I took a deep breath. Greg had to get off the phone, cuz he was actually in the shower. But I still can't believe his sorry, pathetic ass came into my apartment, without telling me, without my permission. How shady is that?! If someone would have told me, 2 weeks ago, that this was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed them. I never would have believed that he would be capable of something like this. I guess it takes him treating me like crap, and then dumping me on my ass and breaking into my apartment, before I get to know the true Brandon.
I'm going to demand that he give me my key back. Tonight.
My Mom Stole My Weed (Thursday Night: Part II)
Tonight after work, Brandon walked up to the bar and said, "Hey."
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Yes?"
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.
I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
((Sigh))
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.
As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.
1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.
Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.
1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.
((Sigh!))
I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.
Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.
As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.
I ignored him. Surely, he couldn't be talking to me.
"Hey, Peyton."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Yes?"
"Could you bring my glasses tomorrow?"
"Can I bring your glasses." I made it a statement.
"Yea...it's just a question..."
I didn't stop what I was doing, so as not to give him my full attention, and mostly, because I can't bear to look him in the eye.
"Yea, I have a whole bag of your shit, it's just at my place."
"So...should I wait?"
"Wait for what?"
"Well you said you had a bunch of my stuff..."
"Yea, at home. I'll bring it tomorrow." I walked off.
"There's no need for you to be hostile." He said.
"Look, Brandon, I just...don't wanna talk to you ok?"
"Why? I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"You don't understand??" I sighed in frustrated exasperation. "Just...leave me alone, there is no reason for us to continue this conversation, and I have nothing else to say to you. I'll bring your shit tomorrow." I slammed the check presenter shut that I was wiping.
He finally walked off.
I can't believe he thinks I'm just gonna be nice to him, after all the hurtful things he said to me. What, like I'm just supposed to act like it never happened, and everything is hunkydorey!?!?
((Sigh))
After he left, Greg asked me what Brandon had asked for. I replayed the conversation for him.
"Do you think I was being too...hostile?"
"No, baby! Not at all, he said some really mean things to you, and there's no reason for you to not feel that way. Let him deal with it." Greg reassured me.
As soon as we finished counting tips, Greg's phone started ringing, he held it out to show me that it was Brandon calling. They chatted for a minute, Greg glanced my way a few times, then they hung up.
"He wants you to call him. He says you guys need to talk."
"ME?? No way! I am not calling him. Why does he suddenly want to talk??"
"I dunno, he said he's been blowing up your phone or something."
I checked my phone, no missed called, but 3 new texts.
1) We need to talk
2) Is this how you handle things? I know you have a least a little care for me. I don't like doing this. Will you call me please when you get off.
3) I don't want to argue with you. I just want to make simple peace with you. You can't avoid me. I work with you Peyton. It's just going to get worse if you keep building this hate for me.
Now, before you all go taking his side, let me just point out a few things.
1) Exactly a week ago, I wanted to talk. Before we broke up, before any of this shit went down, I sent him a very similar text, asking him to call me when he got off, or stop by, because I really wanted to talk to him. He didn't even do me the courtesy of responding. Why does he suddenly care?? Why is talking so important now that we're broken up, but it didn't matter when we were together?!? WTF?!???
2) I am so hurt right now, everything he said to me... And all signs are pointing to he wants to fuck some other girl(s)...so yes. This is how I'm handling it. I'm channeling my hurt, into anger. Towards him. Because if I can't get him out of my sight, I can't get him out of my mind. And the more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the harder it is for me to move on.
3) Peace? PEACE?!?!?! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART, YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FUCKING BEST BUDDY! AND IT SURE IS HELL ISN'T MY JOB TO MAKE LIFE MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU! The only reason he even suddenly cares is because work is becoming hard, inconvenient. It's always about him! And you know what??? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Grow a pair of balls, and deal with it yourself you fucking pussy, because I'm not going to help you make your life easier any more. I'm done. Done wasting my words, my time, my effort, and my emotions on you, if I can help it. So, no. We will not make "simple peace" just so you can go to work, and slap a smile on your face, and pretend everything is fine when IT'S NOT.
((Sigh!))
I'm fine at work. I can do my job without talking to him or acting like we're friends. It's not my problem if he can't.
Greg followed me home to pick up some weed I owe him for agreeing to help me move this weekend. When we got to my place, the weed was gone. My mom, did something with it! Ughhhh... She was helping me pack today, and I left before her, so she must've found it. Just fucking great. I'm definitely going to have to have an interesting phone conversation with my mom tomorrow. Ughh... And now I have nothing to offer Greg as payment for helping me. But he's a sweetheart so he said he'll still help. He ended up hanging out for about an hour and talking with me about the Brandon situation. Apparently they talked on the phone the whole way to my place. Brandon said he really wants to talk to me and "work things out". But I told Greg how I feel. That is, everything I wrote above. And he said he completely understands, and that everything I said is justifiable. Apparently, Brandon doesn't think he said anything mean to me. He said something like,
"What, I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad! I've had my heart broken way worse by girls who have cheated on me blabla..."
Of course, but this isn't about him, or his feelings. It's about me and my feelings. You can't compare his past breakups to this one! I told all this to Greg, and he agreed.
He still thinks we should talk though. But I told him, the bottom line is, there's nothing Brandon can say, no answers he can give me, whether truthful or not, that will make me feel better. I'd rather just...not talk to him at all. Anything he says, is only gonna make the pain cut deeper, and last longer. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
And again, the only reason he even cares, is because something in his life that was once easy, is now complicated. He's not worried about me! He's not concerned about my well being! He's worried about himself. Fuck him. Fuck his self-interests.
I gave him everything. Everything I had. Everything I would have wanted, and more. And he just said...no.
I don't want it.
It's not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.
And he threw it all back in my face. That is how I feel. And I just...cannot reconcile with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's the worst feeling. To give everything you have, and it not be enough. To love, with abandon, so wholly, so completely, despite everything, and...just be...cast aside.
As for the other things, i.e. taking a class, focusing on my career. I'm 3 steps ahead of you guys. I've updated my resume, and sent it out to a few people I know in the industry I wanna work in. And I've started taking piano lessons again. So...I'm doing everything I can so keep myself together. Piano is a really good outlet for my emotions. And I'm just hoping, so hard, that I'll find a job, and soon, and that I can get the hell out of the bar, and away from Brandon for good.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Spontaneous Trippage
Since I've been back, I've been doing a lot of partying with my coworkers. And it's been awesome! And Tuesday it was somebody's birthday, so naturally, all of us were out. Including Brandon and I.
In the midst of all our partying, Cameryn, one of my managers, asked us if we wanted to go to Austin tomorrow. All the managers had been invited to some huge party, hosted by Dos Equis, and hotel rooms were already paid for, etc. Brandon was hesitant at first, but I talked him into it.
So Wednesday afternoon, Brandon, me and Sheila, another one of my coworkers, all headed out to Austin together. By the time we got there, it was like 7:30, and Mr. P, Cameryn, DJ, Mark, Ali, Blinn, and The Albanian were ready and waiting for us. So we jumped in the van, and we were off! The castle where the party was being held was about an hour and a half outside of Austin. So we stopped and picked up some beers on the way (don't worry, we were being chauffeured). By the time we got there, it was about 9:30, because we had to make several stops for bathroom breaks. Lol. This place was literally out in the middle of nowhere, and there were cars everywhere. And cops, and buses, and people walking around in the middle of the street... It was complete chaos!! The cops were trying to shut down the party, and weren't letting anyone else pass. All of us were pissed, but especially DJ, cuz he had friends in there or something. But we just figured, what the hell! We're in Austin, let's head back and hit downtown. So we left.
Once we got back into Austin, the van dropped us off at the bar of Mr. P.'s choosing, and we got started on the shots. I seriously don't think I spent a penny all night, between Mr. P. and Blinn buying us all rounds. Brandon, Mark and I smoked a little reefer too, so we were startin' to feel pretty good! After about an hour, we headed to 5th Street, and planted ourselves in another bar. We took more shots, danced, and just had an amazing time! It was so much fun! And I've never gotten to see Brandon dance before, so it was pretty hot.
Me and Brandon, Sheila and Mark were sharing a hotel room , so when we got back to the hotel, we all went in the bathroom and smoked some more. Lol. Mark is the biggest pothead ever. Blinn and The Albanian stopped by our room, and Blinn was wildly drunk. He took a handful of Brandon's weed and ate it!! ]
He kept saying "This tastes like sourdough!" Lol. I took pictures.
This morning, I was surprisingly not hungover, but I was exhausted, and my memory was a little fuzzy. I just kept thinking what a whirlwind adventure that was, and how much fun we had. Oh, and I kept thinking how Mark has now seen me in my underwear. ((Sigh)) Oh well.
Ok, now I wanna update you all on the new girl at work that I hate. Her name is Kate, and she just turned 20, and she constantly is throwing herself at Brandon. That's the first reason why I don't like her. The second reason, is because the first shift I worked with her was her first paid shift. And all she kept asking at the end of the night was how much money she could expect to make, and how she made $350 every Friday at her last job, and blablabla... I just wanted to smack her.
So I flat out told her, "Yea, you're not gonna make that here. You're never gonna get the shifts that make that money, because those shifts go to the people with seniority. And right now, you're at the bottom of the totem pole. So don't expect to make that."
Then she went on about how she's so used to being a big fish in a little pond, pulled out a wad of cash, and said, "See this is how much money I made at my other job last night!"
I pointedly did not look. What a stupid bitch.
If you like your other job so much, why the fuck are you working here??
Ugh... So then, Greg said something about me and Brandon, and she immediately turns to look at me and goes, "You and Brandon are together??"
"Yea." I said flatly.
"Oh... Well how long has that been going on??" She asked.
Bitch! It doesn't matter if it's been going on 2 seconds, cuz you still don't have a chance, now back the fuck off!
That was what I wanted to say.
But Greg interjected for me. "Like nine years!" He said, laughing.
I laughed it off too, but I could tell she wasn't happy about it.
Did I mention she wears crop tops, cut off shorts and dark pink old lady lipstick?? WTF??
UGH!! This girl just totally rubs me the wrong way.
And I'm not the only one. Bethany and Alyssa don't like her either, and I've heard from about 4 others that she's not their favorite person. So we'll see how long she lasts, what with everyone disliking her and all. Haha. At least she's under 21, and she won't be at the boat party this Monday. It's gonna be so much fun, I can't wait!!!
Well, I'm about to go to work now. Brandon's picking me up :), so I gotta go!
In the midst of all our partying, Cameryn, one of my managers, asked us if we wanted to go to Austin tomorrow. All the managers had been invited to some huge party, hosted by Dos Equis, and hotel rooms were already paid for, etc. Brandon was hesitant at first, but I talked him into it.
So Wednesday afternoon, Brandon, me and Sheila, another one of my coworkers, all headed out to Austin together. By the time we got there, it was like 7:30, and Mr. P, Cameryn, DJ, Mark, Ali, Blinn, and The Albanian were ready and waiting for us. So we jumped in the van, and we were off! The castle where the party was being held was about an hour and a half outside of Austin. So we stopped and picked up some beers on the way (don't worry, we were being chauffeured). By the time we got there, it was about 9:30, because we had to make several stops for bathroom breaks. Lol. This place was literally out in the middle of nowhere, and there were cars everywhere. And cops, and buses, and people walking around in the middle of the street... It was complete chaos!! The cops were trying to shut down the party, and weren't letting anyone else pass. All of us were pissed, but especially DJ, cuz he had friends in there or something. But we just figured, what the hell! We're in Austin, let's head back and hit downtown. So we left.
Once we got back into Austin, the van dropped us off at the bar of Mr. P.'s choosing, and we got started on the shots. I seriously don't think I spent a penny all night, between Mr. P. and Blinn buying us all rounds. Brandon, Mark and I smoked a little reefer too, so we were startin' to feel pretty good! After about an hour, we headed to 5th Street, and planted ourselves in another bar. We took more shots, danced, and just had an amazing time! It was so much fun! And I've never gotten to see Brandon dance before, so it was pretty hot.
Me and Brandon, Sheila and Mark were sharing a hotel room , so when we got back to the hotel, we all went in the bathroom and smoked some more. Lol. Mark is the biggest pothead ever. Blinn and The Albanian stopped by our room, and Blinn was wildly drunk. He took a handful of Brandon's weed and ate it!! ]
He kept saying "This tastes like sourdough!" Lol. I took pictures.
This morning, I was surprisingly not hungover, but I was exhausted, and my memory was a little fuzzy. I just kept thinking what a whirlwind adventure that was, and how much fun we had. Oh, and I kept thinking how Mark has now seen me in my underwear. ((Sigh)) Oh well.
Ok, now I wanna update you all on the new girl at work that I hate. Her name is Kate, and she just turned 20, and she constantly is throwing herself at Brandon. That's the first reason why I don't like her. The second reason, is because the first shift I worked with her was her first paid shift. And all she kept asking at the end of the night was how much money she could expect to make, and how she made $350 every Friday at her last job, and blablabla... I just wanted to smack her.
So I flat out told her, "Yea, you're not gonna make that here. You're never gonna get the shifts that make that money, because those shifts go to the people with seniority. And right now, you're at the bottom of the totem pole. So don't expect to make that."
Then she went on about how she's so used to being a big fish in a little pond, pulled out a wad of cash, and said, "See this is how much money I made at my other job last night!"
I pointedly did not look. What a stupid bitch.
If you like your other job so much, why the fuck are you working here??
Ugh... So then, Greg said something about me and Brandon, and she immediately turns to look at me and goes, "You and Brandon are together??"
"Yea." I said flatly.
"Oh... Well how long has that been going on??" She asked.
Bitch! It doesn't matter if it's been going on 2 seconds, cuz you still don't have a chance, now back the fuck off!
That was what I wanted to say.
But Greg interjected for me. "Like nine years!" He said, laughing.
I laughed it off too, but I could tell she wasn't happy about it.
Did I mention she wears crop tops, cut off shorts and dark pink old lady lipstick?? WTF??
UGH!! This girl just totally rubs me the wrong way.
And I'm not the only one. Bethany and Alyssa don't like her either, and I've heard from about 4 others that she's not their favorite person. So we'll see how long she lasts, what with everyone disliking her and all. Haha. At least she's under 21, and she won't be at the boat party this Monday. It's gonna be so much fun, I can't wait!!!
Well, I'm about to go to work now. Brandon's picking me up :), so I gotta go!
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