Thanks, But No Thanks

So I ended up typing out a note, on my computer, in really large letters, and clipping it to my door.

Nick-

Thanks, but no thanks.
I am seeing someone.
Please stop leaving me notes.

P.S. My name isn't Pam.

So I'm pretty sure he got the hint. I left the note there for 2 days, and I finally took it down this morning. And, I haven't gotten any more notes! YAYY!! So hopefully, that's the end of that, and he'll stop lurking around my courtyard.

Well I hope everyone had a fun and safe St. Patrick's Day. I, myself, stayed home and went to bed early. I'm just not really into St. Pat's. I mean, in the past, I always had to bartend, and put up with all the drunken idiots. And now that I don't have to bartend, I still can't do anything, since I have to get up early in the morning. Plus, me and Mary, and my 2 new officemates, Veronica and Dana, are going out for drinks after work today. So I figured 2 days in a row might not be a good idea.
So yesterday, I stayed home, watched a movie with Jasper, and worked on my new photography website. The designing part is finished, and looks awesome, I just need to add more photos to it.
And while I was laying in bed yesterday, I got a text from Law School, asking if I was out. I told him no, I wasn't feeling great so I stayed home. Which is true, cuz I woke up with a sore throat on Tuesday morning. I think I kicked that already though, with vitamins and Emergen-C packets. Thank God! But it has been a while since I've heard from Law School. He left a message on my Facebook yesterday too. Some stupid corny joke. Lol. I still have a birthday card for him from a month ago! Maybe I'll give him a call tonight and stop by and give it to him.

So I'm not sure if I mentioned before, that I moved into a new office, with Veronica and Dana. At first I really didn't wanna move, cuz I really liked sitting by Mary, and I was in a cubicle that had PRIVACY. Mary wasn't thrilled about me leaving either. Lol. But now I'm ok with it I guess. I mean, I share this office with Dana and Veronica, but we all face away from each other, and pretty much mind our own business. But I like that I have an actual desk with drawers! So I hung up some of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics, along with some photos. And now I can keep my books and purse in a drawer. So even though I don't get as much privacy, and I see my boss a lot more than I used to, it's not so bad being in here.

Dave and I were supposed to go motorcycle riding this weekend. But he was going to rent one, and there are no rentals left in Houston! :( He had a bike when he first moved here, but he sold it cuz he said it was so hot that summer, and now he regrets it. We've been having a lot of nice weather lately! So he said he's gonna get another bike soon. And I do think it's really awesome that he rides. I LOOOOOOVE riding motorcycles. That's the one thing I miss about Daniel. Haha. Last I heard though, he sold his Ducati, and got something else. LAME. But whatever. Dave and I can't go regardless. Maybe next weekend.

Things with all my friends are getting better. Bethany and I are good, Melissa and I are good, and Alyssa and I are the road to being good. We still haven't really hung out or had a chance to talk, but now that she's working back at the bar again, I see her more, so we get to goof off and chit chat during our shifts. She texted me asking me if I was doing anything last night too. Maybe she and I can get together this weekend since Dave and I can't go riding. She has a bridal shower coming up too. I better go check my calendar and find out when it is. I still need to get her something!

Dave just texted me that he is renting a bike for the weekend! Yay!! I wonder where he got it from?? I guess our plans are still on then. I hope he has helmets...

I Got The Blues

Alyssa and Russ had an engagement party and didn't even invite me. I mean, wtf!?? I've been friends with both of them since they first got together. It's not enough that she excluded me from the wedding party, but now she's excluding me from her engagement party??
I'm really, really hurt. She hasn't even called, or Facebooked me or anything. I'm almost at the point where I just wanna be like, "Fuck it" and delete her phone number, delete her from my FB friends, just...completely write her off. Because that's obviously what she's done to me.
How can people be like that??
My mom says I depend too much on my friends, and I should rely more on my family. I'm starting to think she's right. I just don't get it. I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other, no matter what. But apparently, I'm the only one who views friendship that way. You really can't count on anyone these days. No one but yourself. And that's just plain sad.
I mean, I still count Cecilia as one of my best friends, even though we hardly ever see each other. But I still see her as being in my wedding, if I ever get married. And she says the same of me. I wish Cecilia and I could hang out more. I really miss her. But she lives like an hour away, and has a daughter, and I work so much... ((sigh)) I wish I could ask her to the Superbowl. But she wouldn't be able to go anyways... She recently got laid off at her job, so I doubt she has money to blow, and then of course there's her daughter. But she's the hugest Colts fan. Lol. Seriously. So I know it would be lots of fun if she came with me. Ahhh, wishful thinking... I already decided I'm gonna ask my Dad anyway. Which reminds me, after I talk to Todd tonight, I have to call Law School. Should I let him give me an answer first, or should I just tell him I'm taking my Dad before he even says anything? He's pissin' me off, seriously. Izzie says his reluctance is because he thinks I like him, like him, and he's afraid I'll assume, or expect things if he comes. FUCKIN' STUPID! OMG. Get over yourself. I wish I could tell him that. But it's not even worth it.

Things with Bethany and I are starting to get back to normal...sort of. I mean I'm getting over it. But I don't think things will ever be the same as they were between us, because I kind of feel like I've finally seen her true colors. And my opinions of her have sort of...warped. She's very selfish. And I don't like that.
But anyway, I think I was just fed up with her before, but now that she's over her drama, I can talk to her without getting so frustrated I wanna scream. We went to the movies last night, with Ali. We saw It's Complicated. I didn't really wanna see that movie, but it's the one Ali picked, and I actually really liked it! It was hilarious! The kids were horrible actors though. And Jim from The Office seemed like he was trying a little too hard. Poor guy. He will always just be Jim from The Office.

Speaking of The Office, I should probably get back to work. Any advise about Alyssa??

Hope

So Friday was lots of fun! I went out to eat with Ben, Summer, Bethany and Tug before they went to work. Then I headed over to my old bar to meet up with Todd. When he arrived, he had his girlfriend, Laura, and 2 of her girlfriends with him: Kristin and Brittany. Kristin didn't do much talking, but Brittany was pretty cool. Brandon was working, so I made sure to say hello. We pretty much hit all the hot spots around Houston, including my current place of employment, and my old favorite spots. Todd said he's really looking forward to me and the girls coming to his game next month! He told me to bring my camera, cuz he's getting us sideline passes, and I can get a lot of good shots of him! Which would be awesome!! I can't wait!

I ended up getting a little bit too tipsy that night, so Todd had to drive me home. Brandon texted me around 3:30am and mentioned that he was going out to eat with Mark. So I told him to get me some pancakes. And he did! Lol, but I had already passed out, and didn't even hear my phone when he called. Oh well, he said he saved the pancakes for me.

Last night was Summer and Brandon's Dad's wedding. I was at work, of course, but Summer and Ben stopped in the say hello after the reception. I didn't see Brandon though. Although, Alyssa called me around 2:30 to tell me that he'd been up at the bar, hammered, with his roommate who I hate. And apparently, his roommate was talking mad shit about me! Just great...

I guess Greg mentioned something about Brandon and I hanging out, and Brandon's roommate said I was "delusional" and that there's no way we'd be getting back together. WTF does he know!? He's such an asshole, I can't stand that guy! I asked Greg what Brandon said, but Greg told me that Brandon wasn't even there when his roommate said that stuff, and even if he had been, he was pretty intoxicated. It's not like it was my idea for us to get back together! Whatever, I'm not worry about it. Brandon can hardly stand his roommate. He's always telling me what a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap he is, and how he's wrecked his car 4 times in the past month. It's ridiculous.

So this morning, er, this afternoon, when I woke up, I called Brandon. I didn't mention to him that I'd heard about last night. I just asked him how the wedding was, and how things went with his Dad. He said the wedding was great, and his Dad and him talked, and they agreed to try and communicate better in the future. So that's really great, I'm happy they're getting somewhere. He mentioned to me that he went up to my old bar afterwards, and that he doesn't remember most of it. I thought about asking him about his roommate, but I decided against it. I figured I'd just talk to him later, if at all, when he comes over for dinner. Speaking of which, neither one of us mentioned it on the phone. I mean, I didn't wanna say anything about it, and he seemed a little distracted at the time. He ended up having to get off the phone, because he said he needed to hurry up and return his tux before he got charged extra for it. So he said he'd call me back later.

He wouldn't stand me up for our date. It was his idea! And he knows this is sort of just a trial period for us. ((Sigh)) I guess I'm just feeling a little uneasy because of what his roommate said about me. Even though I shouldn't care, and Brandon supposedly can't remember anything, I just... I dunno. I hope I hear from him soon!

Spontaneous Trippage

Since I've been back, I've been doing a lot of partying with my coworkers. And it's been awesome! And Tuesday it was somebody's birthday, so naturally, all of us were out. Including Brandon and I.
In the midst of all our partying, Cameryn, one of my managers, asked us if we wanted to go to Austin tomorrow. All the managers had been invited to some huge party, hosted by Dos Equis, and hotel rooms were already paid for, etc. Brandon was hesitant at first, but I talked him into it.
So Wednesday afternoon, Brandon, me and Sheila, another one of my coworkers, all headed out to Austin together. By the time we got there, it was like 7:30, and Mr. P, Cameryn, DJ, Mark, Ali, Blinn, and The Albanian were ready and waiting for us. So we jumped in the van, and we were off! The castle where the party was being held was about an hour and a half outside of Austin. So we stopped and picked up some beers on the way (don't worry, we were being chauffeured). By the time we got there, it was about 9:30, because we had to make several stops for bathroom breaks. Lol. This place was literally out in the middle of nowhere, and there were cars everywhere. And cops, and buses, and people walking around in the middle of the street... It was complete chaos!! The cops were trying to shut down the party, and weren't letting anyone else pass. All of us were pissed, but especially DJ, cuz he had friends in there or something. But we just figured, what the hell! We're in Austin, let's head back and hit downtown. So we left.
Once we got back into Austin, the van dropped us off at the bar of Mr. P.'s choosing, and we got started on the shots. I seriously don't think I spent a penny all night, between Mr. P. and Blinn buying us all rounds. Brandon, Mark and I smoked a little reefer too, so we were startin' to feel pretty good! After about an hour, we headed to 5th Street, and planted ourselves in another bar. We took more shots, danced, and just had an amazing time! It was so much fun! And I've never gotten to see Brandon dance before, so it was pretty hot.
Me and Brandon, Sheila and Mark were sharing a hotel room , so when we got back to the hotel, we all went in the bathroom and smoked some more. Lol. Mark is the biggest pothead ever. Blinn and The Albanian stopped by our room, and Blinn was wildly drunk. He took a handful of Brandon's weed and ate it!! ]
He kept saying "This tastes like sourdough!" Lol. I took pictures.
This morning, I was surprisingly not hungover, but I was exhausted, and my memory was a little fuzzy. I just kept thinking what a whirlwind adventure that was, and how much fun we had. Oh, and I kept thinking how Mark has now seen me in my underwear. ((Sigh)) Oh well.

Ok, now I wanna update you all on the new girl at work that I hate. Her name is Kate, and she just turned 20, and she constantly is throwing herself at Brandon. That's the first reason why I don't like her. The second reason, is because the first shift I worked with her was her first paid shift. And all she kept asking at the end of the night was how much money she could expect to make, and how she made $350 every Friday at her last job, and blablabla... I just wanted to smack her.
So I flat out told her, "Yea, you're not gonna make that here. You're never gonna get the shifts that make that money, because those shifts go to the people with seniority. And right now, you're at the bottom of the totem pole. So don't expect to make that."
Then she went on about how she's so used to being a big fish in a little pond, pulled out a wad of cash, and said, "See this is how much money I made at my other job last night!"
I pointedly did not look. What a stupid bitch.
If you like your other job so much, why the fuck are you working here??
Ugh... So then, Greg said something about me and Brandon, and she immediately turns to look at me and goes, "You and Brandon are together??"
"Yea." I said flatly.
"Oh... Well how long has that been going on??" She asked.
Bitch! It doesn't matter if it's been going on 2 seconds, cuz you still don't have a chance, now back the fuck off!
That was what I wanted to say.
But Greg interjected for me. "Like nine years!" He said, laughing.
I laughed it off too, but I could tell she wasn't happy about it.
Did I mention she wears crop tops, cut off shorts and dark pink old lady lipstick?? WTF??

UGH!! This girl just totally rubs me the wrong way.
And I'm not the only one. Bethany and Alyssa don't like her either, and I've heard from about 4 others that she's not their favorite person. So we'll see how long she lasts, what with everyone disliking her and all. Haha. At least she's under 21, and she won't be at the boat party this Monday. It's gonna be so much fun, I can't wait!!!

Well, I'm about to go to work now. Brandon's picking me up :), so I gotta go!

Playing Catch Up

So, there are a couple things I forgot to mention over the last couple weeks and I should probably jot them down quickly, just in case they are of any later importance.

1. The Model texted me over Thanksgiving asking if I was working. I didn't respond. I did, however, run into him a couple days later when I was out with Bethany. Our exchange was not initiated by me, and I made sure to keep it brief. Go me!

2. This past Saturday I went down to Galveston for a motorcycle rally with Alyssa and her boyfriend Russ. And I rode with John. Brandon was totally cool with it, of course, and I asked him before I agreed to go. John kind of just called me out of the blue, and asked if I wanted to ride with him. I told him I needed to check with Brandon first, just so the boundaries were clear, and he said that was fine. So Brandon was all for it and told me to have fun, so I went! And I did. It was only slightly awkward. Hehe.

3. I still have not seen Daniel, even once, since we broke up. And this past Saturday (same day as the motorcycle rally) was Russ's birthday. Alyssa set up a birthday dinner for him, and I told her that Brandon and I would both be there. And in the back of my mind, I knew that Daniel would be there. But we ended up not going because I got home so late from the rally, and Brandon had completely forgotten about the dinner, and neither of us were really prepared to go. Plus we both had to work, so we just chilled at home.
Confrontation avoided.


I think that's about it for playing catch up. Ummm...in other news, I've been really worried lately about my job, and my finances, and my lack of medical insurance. ((sigh)) I definitely need to go to the dentist, for one. I'm starting to get a toothache, which is not normal for me. Cuz I have good teeth! So I'm worried I might have a cavity or something, and I don't wanna end up with a root canal! I mean that's definitely worst case scenario, but still.... I'm paranoid. And the other thing is, Brandon's been talking lately about his job, and his 401k, and it's just made me realize that I'm so behind! I don't have a 401k! I can't even go to the freakin' dentist! I'm not set up for life at all! I need a job. A real job with paid vacation, and benefits, and opportunities. But I still have no clue what I wanna do, or what I have to offer. And it really sucks.
((Sigh))
At least my relationship is going well. Brandon is really great. When we got in that fight last week, he was just so apologetic, and sincere.... And I mean, he definitely has his flaws, but unlike all the other guys, he takes responsibility for his mistakes! He doesn't try to get away with anything. He's honest. He admits when he's wrong, and then he immediately tries to correct his mistakes. And I just love that about him.
Question: Sometimes he calls me "My Love" and I'm not really sure how to interpret that... Any ideas?
He's never told me he loves me, except once when he was wasted. And he made sure to include "as a person" at the end of it. Lol.
But I think I do love him. In fact I know I do. At least, I'm starting to. I'm not trying to rush things though, so I wanna make sure before I tell him. And it would be nice if he said it first.
((Sigh))
I just can't get enough of him. He's so...wonderful. I mean, I feel like I've won the boyfriend lottery!
Well, I'm about to pass out. My bed is calling...

Weighing My Options

I went to the doctor with my mom on Thursday. We were there for about 3 hours. They gave her 2 exams and talked about what her possible options might be; chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, etc... But right now it all depends on how much of the tumor is invasive. And they have to do a biopsy on the invasive component to find out. And if it's more invasive than non-invasive, then she'll definitely have to have chemo. ((sigh)) It's a lot of information. My poor mom hardly understands half of the stuff the doctors say. I took a bunch of notes for her. Two pages worth actually. She has to go back on Monday morning, so she's gonna spend the night here with me, and I'm gonna drive her over. I live a hell of a lot closer to MD Anderson than my parents do, and with all the traffic, it's at least an hour drive for them. So I told her she could spend the night here. I'm off work anyway. So that's the story with that.

Last night, is another story entirely. And a much happier one!
First of all, one of my coworkers, Ali, is dating this guy, and him and his cousin came in last night. And the cousin is HOT. He's 6'4", dark hair, pretty teeth...HOT. And he asked Ali about me, so we chatted a bit, etc etc, and I gave him my number. Before he left, he came to say bye to me, kissed my hand and told me he'd call me later. Lol. And he texted me while we were counting money! :)
Then something weird happened. Remember the new girl who made an ass of herself at the employee party last month? Her name is Lauren. Well, I still can't stand her. She tries sooooo hard to make people like her, it's sad. She laughs at everything anyone says, even if she's not even in the conversation!!! Ugh... Well she's 19, maybe that's why. Anyways, she was hardcore flirting with John last night. And she jumped on his back, and was giggling her annoying giggle with her annoying horsey face and I just suddenly got so...JEALOUS! I couldn't even explain it! WHY was I jealous??? Maybe it's just because I don't like Lauren so much?? I dunno...
And the other weird thing is, I've kind of been thinking about John a lot lately. I talked to Alyssa about it on Thursday. I just feel like the whole situation with us got out of hand, because we were both drunk, and that wasn't how I wanted it to happen. Ya know? And I still kind of have feelings for him! I just don't know what to do about it! Alyssa thinks I should go for it.
So back to last night... I got really jealous, and I recognized that I was jealous. Even with thoughts of this tall, hot guy who's interested in me, I couldn't stop thinking about John! So we were all hanging out drinking beer after work. Then Bethany and Tug came over to hang out, and everybody decided to take the party over to Blinn's house. Bethany didn't wanna go, but we needed to catch up on things so we sat in her car and talked and smoked a bowl before I headed over to Blinn's. I told her about John and Lauren and how it made me jealous. She laughed. Lol. Then Mark called and asked where I was, so I told him I'd be there in a minute.
By the time I got there, I was definitely high, and a little buzzed, and a lot annoyed that Lauren was there. Ugh. But we had a good time anyway. I had a couple glasses of wine, goofed off and flirted with John... :)
Then when everybody started to leave, I was getting ready to go and John stole my keys! That, of course, led to wrestling on the couch, which caused Blinn to roll his eyes and go upstairs. Lol. Now it was just me and John, and before I knew it, he was kissing me. And I liked it! Haha. I finally got my keys back from him, told him goodbye and left. I put a note on his car that said, "By the way, YOU kissed ME!"
When I woke up this afternoon, I had a text from him that said, "Yes, I know and you weren't very resistent."
Haha.
I don't really know what's going to happen now. But this time was different. And I don't wanna go running scared again, so I'm just gonna play it really cool, and try to get to know him better and just...see what happens! And I'm gonna keep seeing other people too. Like that hottie from last night...
So, in the guy department, things are actually looking up for once!
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see John tonight at work. Hopefully it's not awkward.
Wish me luck!

Phase II: Disappointment

Todd is having a tailgate party today at 3 o'clock for his first game. A couple days ago, I asked Rusty if he'd go with me.
"So you're saying you want me to go with you?" He said.
"I'm asking if you wanna come with me." I said.
"Well, yea, sure. That sounds like fun." He agreed.
I spent both Tuesday and Wednesday night at his place, Oliver in tow. We had a lot of fun, as usual, and there was a lot of making out. :)
Yesterday morning when we were laying in bed I told him it was his turn to stay with me. I had spent the last 2 nights over there, and plus we had that party to go to, which is right by my apartment. So he said ok.
So last night both Alyssa and I got off at 9, and we had plans to hang out afterward. Rusty, of course, wanted me to go watch his show, which was about 30 minutes south of Houston. And of course, me wanting to see him, decided to go. But I played it cool when he asked, and I told him maybe.
But by yesterday afternoon, he was asking if I'd be there and I said yes.
So Alyssa and I drove down there, and Russ and his brother and fiance met us there too. The place he was playing at is definitely not my favorite place to hang out, and I've definitely been there too many times in the last week. But the only reason I was there was to see him play.
He gave me a kiss as soon as I got there, and we took some shots together. While he was playing, I played darts with Alyssa and everybody, and we had a good time. Then around 12:30 Alyssa & company decided to leave, but I stayed to wait for Rusty. Rusty's roommate and girlfriend had just showed up. It was her birthday and they were both pretty drunk. So I hung out with them during his last set.
When they were finally done playing, and he came over to our table, I told him we couldn't hang around very long afterward because I needed to go pick up Oliver from a friend's house, who was babysitting. Then he acted kinda iffy about staying over at my place.
"Why can't you just stay over here?" He pleaded.
"Because! I can't just leave Oliver! I told her I'd get him by like 3:30."
"Well then just go get him and come back."
"What!? No way. Drive all the way back there, get him, and then drive all the way back down here, just so I can get up and drive all the way back to Houston again?? That doesn't make any sense. I have to go home tonight."
He sighed.
"Well, we'll figure it out after we finish putting everything away." He said.
"What is there to figure out? Whether or not you're with me, I have to go home tonight." I said firmly, "I mean if I woulda known you were just gonna stay here, I would have left with Alyssa." Now I was starting to get upset. What about the party? What about everything we had agreed on??
"Ok well we'll talk about when I'm done." He said dismissively.
I sighed and sat back down to wait. After about 15 minutes, I told him I was just going to wait in my car because it was freezing in there. So I went outside to wait.
...and wait....and wait.
Finally he came out, and put his guitar, a mic stand, and something else in a big case that I dunno what it was, in my back seat. Then I waited some more, and then he got in the car. By this time, I was on the phone with Bethany. She had called me while I was waiting for him. So when I got off the phone, we were almost to his house.
"So, why can't you just get your stuff and come back with me?" I asked.
"Well...I just really kinda wanna stay here tonight." He said.
"Okay..." I said, in an obviously put-out voice.
"You can't be mad though."
"Why not?? I mean I drove all the way out here for like the past 4 days, I mean I know you can't drive, but is it too much to ask for you to at least try to meet me halfway??"
"Well, it's just that it's [Roommate's Girlfriend's] birthday, and everybody's coming over..."
"Ok then."
"Don't be mad..."
I didn't say anything. We were pulling into his parking lot. I was seething. I felt so used. So taken for granted. So much like I felt when I was with Daniel.
He took all his stuff out of my back seat and set it on the ground.
"You're not even gonna come in for a little bit?" He asked.
"I can't. I have to go get my dog."
"Well are you gonna at least give me a kiss?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm pissed off, and I don't kiss people that I'm pissed off at." I retorted.
"So??"
I stared straight ahead.
"Well I'm gonna kiss you then."
He leaned in to kiss me. I turned away. He sighed and stood up.
"Call me later?" He said, hopefully.
I just looked at him. Then he shut the door and I drove off.

I was just so...hurt. And frustrated, and angry and sad, and disappointed...
I mean why is it that I'm always doing all these things, and going way out of my way for guys and they never seem to appreciate it???
I cried a little, then got mad again, then cried some more on my drive home. I tried calling Melissa, but of course she didn't answer. It was 3:20am.
After I got home from picking up Oliver, I got a text.
"That was mean." He said.
I hadn't been planning to call him, text him, or anything. I was gonna let him make the first move. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon, and I was pissed that he was calling me mean.
"I'm not being mean. I'm fucking tired of feeling used. And I'm tired of always going out of my way and being taken for granted and this is what it always fucking comes to. For once it would be nice to meet a guy who actually puts me before himself. Usually when I get mad, it's cuz I've been hurt. This is no exception." I replied.
He immediately wrote back.
"Well I guess you don't like me then."
"Yea. That's exactly it. Take the easy way out." I said.
"I wasn't trying to get out."
"Then what ARE you trying to do?? Have you even thought about what you're saying? Or about how *I* might feel??" I demanded.
"I think you're making a big deal out of nothing."
OHHHHH no he did not. The ultimate dismissal. I couldn't stop myself.
I was so mad, at first all I said was, "Ok then."
But then the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say, so I wrote:
I came all the way down to the south side tonight, and yesterday, and the day before, just to see you. Because you can't drive. I could have stayed in Houston tonight. In fact, I WANTED to stay in Houston tonight! But I wanted to see you more, so I went. And I just wanted you to come to this thing with me tomorrow, but it's obviously not important to you. And you made me wait for you tonight, just so I could give you a ride home, and then you left me high and dry. Not only do I feel used, but I feel hurt, and passed over, and insignificant. You're right. No big deal. For someone with my past, it's easy to get unsettled in this shitty, and all too familiar situation."
He didn't write back. Ten minutes went by, then 15, then 20...still nothing. By this time I was laying in bed, second guessing everything, and over analyzing everything, like I always do.
Maybe he's just not that into me, I thought, I'm gonna call him and ask him! I'm not gonna continue to waste time and feelings on a guy if he's not even into me! I decided. Bad move. It's scary the things that alcohol and PMS can do to you. Of course, he didn't answer. And now I looked pathetic and desperate. I lie awake thinking about it for at least an hour before drifting into an uneasy sleep. I woke up 2 and a half hours later and called Melissa.
By this time, I was thinking clearly. Oh my god. I fucked it up. I'm such an idiot, was all I kept thinking. I did overreact. I was drunk. And upset. He struck a bad note, you know? Putting me in that situation again, and I went a little overboard. And I was majorly regretting it.
I told Melissa the whole story on the phone.
"You were probably mean to him in the car last night, weren't you?" She said, honestly, but teasingly.
"Yea...I was. I'm such a bitch! He tried to kiss me and I turned away."
Melissa laughed.
"Oh Peyton! I know you; you can be so mean to guys sometimes! Look. He's going to call you, don't worry. He really likes you. Just go back to sleep, get some rest, and he'll probably call you between 2 and 3. If he doesn't, well then you'll see him tonight at his show."
(He's playing at my work tonight.)
"Well yea, but what if he doesn't!?"
"He will! I promise." She said adamantly.
I sighed.
"Well what am I supposed to say if he does call?"
"You probably made him feel stupid last night, that's why he didn't respond to you. Just tell him you were hurt, upset, disappointed... Use words he understands. And just tell him you know you went overboard a little, but you just weren't in the right state of mind, you were kind of drunk... "
"Ok, and if he doesn't call? Am I just supposed to show up tonight?? I took today off ya know, I'm not gonna already be there."
"Ok, if he doesn't call you by 5, then call me and we'll talk about it."
"Ok." I resigned.

After we got off the phone, I stayed in bed for just a few more minutes before I got up to write.
I feel so horrible. I really like this guy, and as usual, I'm blowing it. I know how I am. I know I trust too easily, and fall too quickly, and demand too much too soon... I know! And I always say the wrong thing. I always scare them away. I just...didn't think he would scare so easily. I mean I told him from the beginning that I could be mean, and that he would probably like me less the more he got to know me. But he just laughed and said he was liking me more and more. ((sigh))

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't call me. I have to talk to him. I have to make this right. All while trying not to seem desperate. Ugh. If worse comes to worse I will have to go to his show and talk to him. I just really don't wanna be seen with him at my work, because of rumors, etc. Especially not if we're fighting about something. ((Sigh))

I don't even feel like going to the party anymore. I really wanted him to be there.

Way to fuck it up again, Peyton.

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"Ok."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.
LMAO.

Incoherent Rambling...

Omg, I'm taking defensive driving right now and I'm sooooooooo bored!!!
I've been shopping online for puppies the whole time. Lol. And the exciting thing is, I found one that I want!!! Only problem is, he's in Idaho or something, and he'll have to be flown to me, which will end up costing an extra 300 bucks. But I've already fallen in love with him and I can't wait!!
Rusty finally asked for my number, and I gave it to him. Now I just have to wait and see if he calls. If he doesn't, I guess he's not that interested. Meh.
I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and it's definitely an eye-opener. I've been meaning to read it for a while now, and Melissa just loaned it to me. Anyone out there who hasn't read it, GO BUY IT!!

Finally, the drama with John and I is starting to die out in the work gossip circle. I guess it takes a week and half for that stuff to go away. I still haven't even seen John since that night at IHOP.
Man...IHOP sounds so good right now. I'm starving.
Brb.
Ok, I'm heating up some pita bread right now. Pita bread with hummus is delicious.

Anyways, I can't believe I have to spend my whole day sitting here listening to the background noise of a defensive driving video. Ugh.

So, I think I'm going to email Alyssa and confront her about her crappyfriend disorder. We had plans to hang out Sunday night and she just totally flaked out on me! I tried calling, texting...no response whatsoever. The least she could have done is just let me know she wasn't gonna make it so I could have made other plans! I saw her at work last night, and of course she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. Obviously she doesn't know`that her convenience-only friendship is bothering me. So I need to tell her. I just don't wanna sound bitchy, or like I'm attacking her. I just want her to know. I need friends I can depend on. I mean, if you can't depend on your friends, then what do you have?? Nothing.
((sigh))
I'm just tired of making excuses for people, just because they have boyfriends, or they're busy a lot, or whatever. If you're friends with someone, and you care about them, then you're not going to be a shitty friend. The End.

Food's ready! I'm gonna eat now. I'll try to make my next post more interesting.

Fourth of July Weekend

Ahhh it's been a long week. My Fourth of July kind of sucked... Alyssa and I were supposed to go out on the boat, but it rained the whole day. So we just bummed around her house for a few hours, before she had to go to ((wince)) Daniel's to visit her Dad. He was in town just for the weekend. She tried to convince me to go with her, but I was like "NO WAY!" As much as I still care about Daniel, I really don't think I can handle seeing him. Especially not in that kind of setting. So she called me from his house and put Delilah on the phone. I miss that little girl so much! She kept asking me when I was coming over, and telling me I was gonna miss the fireworks. ((sigh)) Why do these things always have to get so complicated and fucked up? It SUCKS!
Well, I met up with Alyssa in midtown later and we ate dinner. Then, after dinner, we discovered that Alyssa's car got towed! So I had to loan her the money and drive her over to the lot to get it. It was awful. Although we did get lots of free shots with our sob story. Lol.
Sunday, Bethany and I went up to Mr. P.'s lake house in Conroe with most of our coworkers. We had lots of fun and I got a pretty good tan! And I sure was exhausted after that trip.
Yesterday, Bethany, Tug and Evan and I went and saw Wall-E. I really liked it! It was so cute. Oh, and Evan's car got towed too!!! What is with this crap lately!? So I had to drive Evan to get his truck, but at least I didn't have to fork over another 200 dollars.
Anyways, today is the day I hear back from my new apartments about my application. I mean there's no reason why I shouldn't be approved, so why am I so nervous?!? Urgh.
Things with Baseball Guy are just not gonna work out. I saw him again yesterday when I was hanging out with Bethany and Tug, and I just...I'm not attracted to him. AT ALL. And I'm still totally and absolutely hung up on Daniel. Only The Model was able to distract my attention completely away from him. And it was just for a second!
Yep, that's right. The Model.
I saw Mitchell on Saturday night. He came into my bar, and we chatted for a minute. He said that The Model and he planned a short trip down to surprise their parents. And he said they would both be back August 10th, and "We need to all hang out!" Mitchell has already gone back to Atlanta, but The Model is still here till tomorrow night. NO, I haven't seen him, and I don't plan on it, because I'm sure he's with his family, and I certainly don't wanna call him. I mean I do, but I don't, ya know?? So I'm just gonna wait till August. But I'm not gonna lie, as soon as I found out he was in town, my heart went into overdrive. And I don't know if I'll be able to handle it come August.
Well, that's all for now, wish me luck with my apartment!!

Great Expectations

Today was the best day I've had in quite a while! But before I get into that, I'm gonna answer the one question I got. Lol.
The only blog I read really, is Bedroom Blog. I used to read this other blog, called American Girl Abroad, but she just out of the blue, stopped blogging. So I don't like to get attached to blogs like that. So yea, just Bedroom Blog.
So my day today. Actually, it started out pretty crappy. I got home really late yesterday; I spent the day with Bethany, Jayme and Alyssa. Baseball Guy made a brief appearance, but he got stuck driving his friend home and never made it back. Anyways, so this morning, my mom called and woke me up after only 4 hours of sleep to tell me about a potential job interview.
A girl at our church, Katy, is doing an internship at a marine shipping company in Houston, and told my mom about a job opening. Anyways, her boss wanted me to come in today, because it was the last day for interviews. So I did the best job I could updating my resume in the short amount of time I had, and then headed downtown.
Dani, a really pretty, dark haired woman, probably no older than 30, greeted me and led me through the dispatch room, and into a small conference room. Everyone stared at me as we walked through. Dani started laughing as soon as the door closed.
"Everyone was staring at you!" She giggled.
"Yea, I noticed." I blushed.
"They're not very inconspicuous, are they?" She continued to laugh to herself as she ushered me into a chair and handed me an application.
Then she warned me that 2 of the managers, as well as herself would be sitting in on my interview. I was the last one of many.
The interview itself was intense. For one, I definitely wasn't prepared, only having had 4 hours of sleep, and no prep time! And I didn't even get to properly research the company. But I did ask lots of questions, and tried to seem relaxed, and considering the circumstances, I think it went pretty well.
Afterwards I shook all their hands and thanked them for their time, and Dana told me they would be in touch.
I immediately texted Katy as soon as I got out of the building.
"OMG that was intense!"
"Really?? How did it go?"
I gave her a brief overview of my interview, and told her I did my best; now I just have to wait.
"All the guys in dispatch thought you were hot." She wrote, "They want you to come to happy hour and have drinks after work."
I laughed, and politely declined. Seeing as I don't have the job yet, I just don't think that would be appropriate. Plus, I really needed to visit a couple more apartments in the area.
And low and behold, the perfect apartment!!
It's in a great location, close enough to everything, and the complex is small, and quaint, with beautiful pools and courtyards. I love it! And the best part?? It's less than I was planning to spend and I can have a dog!! I've been wanting a labradoodle so bad for the past 6 months and now I can finally get one!! Oh, and there were no shortage of young, cute guys running around.
So I filled out an application immediately! Now I just have to wait for my credit report to come in, which I know will be fine. I can't wait to move out!
On my way home, Katy called. She had just left the mini happy hour party, and one of my interviewers had been there. She said she talked to him, and he told her he really liked me, but he thinks I would be better suited for a job like Katy's, because there are more opportunities to move up in the company, and it's less busy work. And as it turns out, Katy's internship is up on August 15, so the position will be open, and apparently they're already considering me for it. So she said they're definitely gonna call me back, and they're probably going to offer me something. And I mean I'm talking benefits, paid vacation and a 401k!
So now I'm home, just trying to decompress. I mean I seriously can't believe that 2 great things happened to me in one day! ((Sigh))
Now Alyssa and I are gonna go watch a movie, and oh! Izzie is calling me.
Gotta go!

Ditched?

Well...tonight was supposed to be my second date with Brady. But...I never heard from him. All day!
And honestly? I don't really care.
It was just one of those things where we met, and we liked each other, and had a good time together, but...we just didn't click. There was no spark. And I didn't really see it going past this week. So I guess maybe Brady figured he'd cut his losses early. Meh... It stung a little at first that he didn't even call to cancel, but whatever. I'm over it.
Baseball Guy on the other hand, has been texting me nonstop! He's in Texarkana right now with his team, for a couple of games. And I know I should feel happy, and flattered even that he's paying me so much attention (maybe he's just bored?), but it's almost annoying! I mean he's been texting me all day, every day since the night we met! And mostly he just complains! About the heat, about getting up early for workouts, his AC in his hotel room not working, the crappy movie he just watched... The list goes on.
Alyssa says maybe he just wants something to talk about, and he doesn't really have anything else exciting going on at the moment. So I hope that's what it is. But that didn't stop me from sending him a text that read: There's no crying in baseball! ;)
Lol.

Alyssa and I went out to dinner tonight at Carl's restaurant. He totally gave us all our drinks for free, and even sent over a "birthday" dessert, complete with a sparkler. Lol. It was fun though. Then we went back to Russ's house (he's on a mission trip out of the country right now) and watched The Other Boleyn Girl, which was excellent, yet morbidly depressing. I'm certain that Queen Anne must have been a crackpot. Lol.
Anyways, it was great to have some girl time, and to do something low key on my night off. I'm really kinda burned out on the midtown bar scene lately. It's always the same places, the same people, the same story... And I'm just getting tired of the Go! Go! Go! in my tall stiletto heels, if you know what I mean. It's nice to be able to sit somewhere quiet with a bottle of wine, or a marg and just...talk! So that's what I've been doing lately.
Anyway, I have this feeling that Daniel and WTP are already broken up. I didn't wanna ask Alyssa outright, but I'm pretty sure he's already gotten tired of her. Which doesn't surprise me.
But I find myself wondering, almost wishing, he'll come back to me. Then I slap myself mentally for thinking that and immediately launch into the list of reasons why I hate Daniel. ((sigh))
Why can't I just get over him already!?


P.S. I've noticed that sometimes you guys ask me questions in my comments, so here's your chance! Any questions you may have for me, please ask in a comment, and I'll answer all of them in my next post. As long as they're not vulgar, or pertaining to my identity, of course.
Look forward to hearing from you all!

The Replacement

The first thing that I need to bring to your attention, is a certain comment I received, that had me reeling after I read it. If you could all please go look at my last post, in the comments, and read the one anonymous comment on there, in which someone PRETENDED to be the other Peyton, whom I have decided to call WTP (White Trash Peyton).
Seriously!? Wtf. I dunno who you are, but get a fucking life. For real. I know that you're not her, because I'm not a complete idiot and I don't divulge everything in this blog. So I hope you don't think you were super clever and/or imaginative by coming up with that. That's all I am going to say.
And now, a little insight into WTP (the real girl, not the fake comment person).
Alyssa and I both got off work at 9 tonight, and we decided to hang out afterwards, since neither of us have really seen each other, or talked much in the past couple weeks. So we went across the street, where one of Daniel's friends, Carl, was waiting tables, so we could chat in a low key environment, and say hi to Carl.
I met Carl when Daniel and I first started dating, and he was definitely my favorite out of all Daniel's friends. So we get along really well, and I actually enjoy hanging out with him.
Anyways, Alyssa and I talked some more about Daniel (she brought it up!), and she told me that she's concerned he might be getting into drugs. Like...serious drugs. She said he hasn't really been completely honest with everyone, and he's been shady with his friends, shady with his family, shady with me... Something just isn't adding up. There is something going on with him, other than WTP. And Alyssa is also speculating that maybe WTP is part of the reason for this change. Maybe she's supplying him with the drugs? I dunno. But Alyssa told me all about the night she met WTP, and she basically told me that WTP is trashy, unattractive and tactless. She's chunky, with bleach blonde, fried hair, and she dresses really trashy. Alyssa said she had on a cropped tank top, and her belly was totally hanging out over her pants! EW!
She also, apparently, lacks any and all social skills (i.e. RUDE), and was recently fired from her job for telling off a customer. Sounds like a real winner, huh!?
On the one hand, I can't help but feel elated by his obvious downgrade.
But on the other hand, I can't help but feel shocked, taken aback, and just devastated that he would dump me for the likes of her.
And I'm positive he cheated on me with her, because he introduced her as his...not girlfriend, but...you know, whatever, to Carl 2 days before he actually broke up with me. Which means he must have been hanging out with her that whole weekend that Sophie and Brent were here. Which confirms my suspicions and worries about him being MIA that whole time.
((sigh))
And I am really starting to get it together now. I don't feel that constant sinking feeling anymore. That feeling like I'm being dragged down...like I'm treading water with an anvil tied to my ankle. I don't feel like that anymore. I'm mostly happy, and starting to fall back into the groove of just being a happy, independent, single girl again. But I do get these sudden waves of sorrow, and regret, which usually lead to outbursts of tears.
And the thing that really sucks, is that as much as I hate him for what he did to me, and as much as I wish I could just tell him off, and tell him he's a lying sack of shit and I hope he gets syphilis, I'm worried about him! Because I still love him and care about him underneath it all, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
And it makes me so mad that this one stupid chick could be dragging him down with her. I hope he gets bored with her soon! I mean I'm not saying that I'm the one for him or anything, but I know he can do better than WTP!!
I don't even know why I care so much. He's a douchebag, and he probably deserves whatever's coming to him.
But anyway...Alyssa and I had a good time tonight. It just felt like things were back to normal between her and I. We could talk about anything, and I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. So it was nice.
And now I am exhausted, so I'm going to sleep.

Learning To Cope

So as you all know, my day started out horribly. I came home, laid in bed and cried for the better part of the day. I mean I just couldn't stop. It was like the levee had finally broken, and I just couldn't stop the flood. ((sigh))
But in a way, it was a relief to finally get it out of my system. I talked to Jenna about it on the phone, and she made me feel a little better... Something I forgot to mention earlier; the girl he cheated on me with
1) is UGLY, and
2) HAS MY FUCKING NAME!!!!
WTF?!? NOT that many people have the name Peyton, but of course, she has to have it. Ugh. I hate her. And I hate him even more.

Anyways, I eventually cried myself to sleep. But I had to get up all too soon because I had a photoshoot scheduled at 5.
I almost canceled it, because my eyes were practically swollen shut, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop sobbing long enough to be seen in public, but I thought to myself, No. I have to go about my life, and move on eventually. And photography is what I love, and I'm gonna do it because it makes me happy.
And I did! And the shoot went great! My model was a girl who came into the bar a couple weeks ago, and she has this beautifully unique, exotic look to her. And I just gave her my business card and asked if she'd be interested in modeling. And we had so much fun! I'm uploading the pix right now, and so far they all look great.
After the shoot, I called Cecilia. It had been a while since we'd hung out, and I was in need of some serious girl time. So I picked up some takeout, and headed straight to her house.
On my drive over to Cecilia's, Alyssa texted me...for the first time since Daniel and I broke up. She's been oddly distant lately, and I was starting to get the feeling she was avoiding me, because she didn't wanna talk about Daniel. Which, on the one hand, I can understand, but on the other hand, she's one of my best friends, and I really could use some support right about now. So she asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, and then she said, "Are you upset about Daniel?"
Me: Of course I'm upset about Daniel! That fucker cheated on me! And we don't have to talk about it, I know you don't want to. I'm just so mad at myself, and so humiliated. But he seriously broke my heart and I don't know how I could've let that happen. Please don't say I told you so.
Alyssa: Yea, I figured. Do you know who it was with??
Me: Another chick named PEYTON!!! Please don't say anything to him about this.
Alyssa: Ohh, eww! How'd you find out?? I won't say anything.
Me: Who is she??? You know her?????
Alyssa: She works with him... If it makes you feel better, she's totally NOT cute. Yea, I met her once...it was last week, we went to the icehouse and she was there. I was annoyed after that and left. She was all cracked out.
Me: Well he's totally fucking her and definitely didn't waste any time, and it makes me sick.
Alyssa: How'd you find out??
Me: Resources... It doesn't matter. I seriously feel like puking.
Alyssa: Either way, you shouldn't let it get to you this much. I just have never seen you like this before...
Me: Well...he totally fucking had me. I mean I completely let myself fall for him. I dunno what I was thinking. He made such a fool out of me. I hate him. I dunno what I'll do if I ever run into him.

That was pretty much the end of our conversation, but it felt so good to finally tell Alyssa everything that was on my mind about Daniel. I always feel weird talking to her when it comes to him. ((sigh))
Anyways, I got to Cecilia's and we had the best time. There's nothing like a happy baby to cheer you up! Presley is getting so big, and so beautiful! And she's all smiles. I absolutely love her. I stayed over there from 7 till 12:30. We played with the baby most of the time, and then watched Family Guy till Cecilia got tired. It was really nice catching up with her. I was able to vent all I wanted about Daniel, and she just listened, and took my side, and offered advice and input, like a best friend should. I really miss her. I wish I could see her and Presley more often. I'm definitely gonna try to do that, at least once every 2 weeks.
So as miserable as my day started out, it ended well. And I'm kind of glad I know about Daniel now, because it made me realize that a part of me was still waiting for his email, hoping maybe we'd get back together. But now that I know what a lying, cheating, scumball, sleazy, sack of shit he is, I don't want anything to do with him.
I am gonna see him tomorrow, when his company comes into my work for their happy hour party.
And I still don't know how I'm going to react.
But whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna make sure I look drop dead gorgeous doin' it.

Comfortably Numb

Today has been long.
And gruelling.
I went out last night with Bethany for Tug's birthday. I figured it would be a good idea to get out of the house and take my mind off things, and well, drink away my sorrows. Evan met us at the bar, and I must have had a decent time, because I don't remember much. Evan had to drive me home last night, because I was so tanked. He ended up just driving me to his place since I live so far. I was puking my guts out the whole way home, and I paid for it all day today. I woke up with the world's worst hangover, and nothing to do all day except think about Daniel.
I'm so lucky to have my friends. I talked to Melissa on the phone for a long time, and she always makes me feel better. And Bethany picked me up and drove me to my car this afternoon. And then of course, Evan took care of me last night when I was practically incapacitated. Ugh... I am never going to do that again. I don't even know how it happened. I wasn't even in much of a sociable mood. I just...didn't wanna think. About anything. So I drank. Wayyyyy too much. It's 2am the next night, and I still feel sick. I've been in bed reading and watching TV all day.
I still feel kind of...numb about the whole Daniel situation. I haven't even really cried about it yet. I guess I'm still waiting for it all to hit. Or maybe I'm just numb because I was kind of expecting this to happen. ((sigh))
The thing that just drives me crazy though, is that he's out with Alyssa and his ex-gf from Cali right now. The ex who he complained to me so much about. And now he's hanging out with her, conveniently enough, the day after we break up. I dunno, maybe you wouldn't really call her an ex. They went to high school together, but never talked. She contacted him via myspace, and I guess they just talked on the phone for a month, and then she flew down from Cali for a week in March. And as soon as she left, he and I got together. But he told me she was crazy, and stalkerish and all this crap. So I dunno...
Right now I'm just so whatever about everything. I don't wanna care about anything. I especially don't wanna care about him.

Memorial Day

I've hardly seen Daniel at all the past couple days because his dad is in town, and has been staying with him, and he has his daughter till Wednesday! I miss him. :(
But I did go to dinner with Daniel, Delilah (his daughter), his dad and his dad's girlfriend, and Alyssa and Russ last night. And when Alyssa and Daniel invited me, I didn't really think twice about it at first. But when I was driving to the restaurant I had a mini panic attack because I realized about I was about to sit down to dinner with practically my boyfriend's entire family! And I've never actually hung out with Daniel and Delilah, and I've never pushed the issue because...well I dunno. I've never dated a guy with a kid before! And she's only 4, so I don't wanna make it weird, or uncomfortable for her, ya know?
It turned out to be fine, of course, because I had Alyssa and Russ there as kind of a buffer. And plus, I don't even think their dad knows about Daniel and I! I mean I've met him several times before, but just as Alyssa's good friend. So...I dunno. ((sigh))
Anyways, today I went out to Lake Conroe with pretty much everyone from work! Mr. P. has a super badass lake house, with all the trimmings, and we were out on the boat pretty much all day. And I got some excellent sun and some great pictures! Bethany and Tugg and I all drove up together, and now I'm just exhausted! I was really hoping to see Daniel when I got back but...I didn't really have any way of getting hold of him, and plus, he still has Delilah so...I guess I'll just see him tomorrow or Wednesday.
Speaking of which, I'm really nervous about cooking him dinner Wednesday night! I mean it's my favorite recipe for Italian cream sauce, and I've made it several times, but it's been over a year! So I'm afraid I might be a little rusty. And I've decided to add sundried tomatoes to it, because I love sundried tomatoes, and I think it will be a nice twist. Now I'm just online looking up recipes for desserts. Lol. Cannoli's are just gonna be too much work after everything else, so I need something quick and simple. Maybe I'll just pick up some icecream. Lol.

Out From Under

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been in a very dark place...
And I'm almost embarrassed to say it was mostly because I missed Daniel. I'm not gonna go into detail about it, but we broke up over the stupidest, pettiest misunderstanding, and I couldn't stop beating myself up about it. But Melissa gave me some excellent advice on how to handle the situation, and now we're back together! I never realized how much work it is playing hard to get. He would e-mail me, and I wasn't allowed to respond! I mean there were so many things I wanted to tell him, but Melissa told me not to write him. I had to give him some time to miss me. And it worked!
He invited me to his birthday dinner, and I told him I'd try to make it. Of course I had to get an outfit and everything, because I was definitely gonna be there! And dinner was a little awkward at first... Alyssa and her boyfriend, Russ, were there, and Jenna was there, so I had moral support, which was nice. And I kept catching him staring at me from across the room. Then after dinner, we went to Zeppelin, and he came up to me and asked why I had been ignoring his e-mails, and why I hated him. To which I responded I definitely didn't hate him. And he told me he missed me a lot, and his sheets still smelled like me, and he couldn't bring himself to change them. ((sigh)) And the rest is history...
It almost seems like it's too good to be true, but it just feels so right. I mean it's been so long since I've really, genuinely cared about some one so much.
My friend is out of the hospital too, and I did get to spend some quality time with him, so that was nice.
Yesterday was Daniel's birthday and we spent the whole day together. We went to the baseball game, and then went out for drinks afterwards. And while we were on our way to hitting the drive thru, he told me he loved me. Yea, I know, shocker! But all I could do was grin stupidly, and think about how glad I am that we resolved everything and are giving things another shot. ((sigh))
For all you readers this probably seems like a lot to take in, or maybe that I'm jumping the gun. But keep in mind, all this has happened over a period of almost 2 months. I just haven't been very good about keeping you all updated lately.
I just can't believe how much lighter I feel now that I have Daniel back. This morning, I was having a really bad dream. I had driven my car off a bridge (not on purpose!) and I was drowning. And then Daniel shook me awake.
"Wake up! You have to wake up!" He whispered urgently.
"Why?" I asked groggily.
"Were you having a bad dream?" He asked.
"Yea...how did you know?"
"You were shaking. I could just tell you were having a bad dream, so I had to wake you up." He said, and he pulled me close to him, and I fell back asleep in his arms, to much happier dreams.

And what's so weird about that, is that it is so all-encompassingly analogous to everything that's been going on in my life lately. It was like a nightmare. Like I was drowning. And he pulled me out. :)

I am completely falling, head over heels for this guy.

A Crappy Situation

Alyssa and I finally talked about the whole situation about Daniel and I. It just seems like since Daniel and I have been dating, it's been harder for me to talk to Alyssa about...stuff, because I don't wanna weird her out! I mean, like I mentioned in my last post, most of the things I would normally tell her, I didn't wanna bring up, because it was her brother!
I asked her if she thought I was being stupid, dating him I mean. And she said, "Well, no... I mean, just be careful. It's just that most of the other girls he's dated were really stupid, or immature, or psycho... And I didn't like any of them. But you're smart, and cool, so maybe things will be different with you."
Then she asked, "Omg! Are you sleeping with him??"
"WHAT?! No!" I said.
"You're lying!"
"No! I'm not! I mean, even if I was, would you want me to tell you??"
She paused before responding.
"Yea... Well, no! Well, actually, yea. I would want you to tell me. Just don't give me any details!"
We both laughed, and I agreed to keep her updated on the status of our relationship.

Now I have a funny story for you guys. It may be a little TMI but...what the hell. It's freakin' funny! I went over to Daniel's last night after work. It was about 4 am, so he was already asleep but he had left the door open for me. I crawled into bed with him, and we talked for a little bit before drifting off. The next morning, he got up, got ready for work, and I kissed him goodbye and fell back asleep. I had to work at 5 today, so I had my work clothes with me and was planning on having lunch with Daniel and then getting ready.
He came home for lunch around 1, we went out for sandwiches, and then he went back to work. So I showered and starting getting ready for work. Well it was about that time that I suddenly had to go to the bathroom...pretty bad. And let's just say I didn't have to pee. Lol. For some reason, my bowels almost completely shut off when I'm away from home because I don't like to go number 2 in public places. I think it's a subconscious thing. So then usually, as soon as I get home, I have to go! Lol. So it was kind of like that. As soon as he went back to work, I had to go. So I did. Haha.
Well, his apartment is pretty old, and the plumbing isn't exactly up to par. I mean the water pressure sucks, for one, and the toilet is ancient. So somehow, I clogged the toilet. And it wasn't as if I took a huge dump or something! I swear! So I tried flushing like 3 times, to no avail. It just kept filling up and then slowly draining back down. So I started looking frantically for a plunger, but he didn't have one anywhere! How does a guy, who lives alone, not have a toilet plunger!? I mean I practically tore apart both his bathrooms.
So I tried using the toilet bowl cleaning brush. That was a bust. Nothing was working! So I decided to go buy a toilet plunger. The nearest store was Whole Foods, and they didn't have any cleaning supplies. A little further down the road, a Bed Bath & Beyond! Perfect! I scoured the store till I found the bathroom supplies and the only plunger I found was 50 bucks!! WTF?!?
"I don't need a stainless steel container with my toilet plunger!" I thought.
And I definitely didn't wanna waste 50 bucks on that! So I left in search of a grocery store. Finally, a Kroger. It took me about 15 minutes to find what I was looking for; then I walked up to the cashier, holding nothing but a toilet plunger. She gave me a questionable, but sympathetic look, which was enough to make me blush furiously. ((Sigh)) SO embarrassing. I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.
When I got back to his apartment, the toilet was full almost to the brim with water!! So I had to very carefully unclog it. But alas! It worked! No mess. And he'll never know! Hahahaha. I was so relieved.
Can you imagine how embarrassing that would've been if Daniel would have come home to a clogged, poopy toilet, with no one to blame but me!? Lol. Ahhhh! The horror!
I told Alyssa about it while we were talking today, and she thought it was hilarious. At the time, I was completely panicked, but in retrospect, it's pretty hilarious.

((Sigh)) Anyway...I'm going to Austin tomorrow cuz it's Jenna's birthday this weekend. I'm staying with Shane though, cuz some of Jenna's other friends are going, and they're all getting a hotel. But I don't have money to blow on hotels, and it's been a while since Shane and Izzie and I have hung out. So I'm killing 2 birds with 1 stone, and it'll be a blast! It seems like forever since I've spent the weekend in Austin. I am gonna miss Daniel though... He's got his daughter this weekend so I'm sure he'll be preoccupied. Well, that's all for now! I'll try to write as soon as I get back!

P.S. Brian is STILL calling me!! Today, he told me that he was gonna keep pursuing me until either Daniel and I are officially a couple, or until he "get's what he wants". WTF?!?


Demetri Of The Day:
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”

Just Can't Get Enough

((Sigh))... I seriously feel like I've been swept off my feet! It's kind of silly actually, I mean it's only been 3 weeks. But they've been so surreal. I've spent probably 5 out of 7 nights at Daniel's house this week. And we're just...getting to know each other, taking it slow. Nothing too physical! He's just the sweetest guy to me. After our argument last week, he's been so much more...attentive I guess. I mean he's been really careful not to let that happen again.
And the more I get to know him, the more multifaceted his personality becomes! It's so exciting! Lol.
I mean at first he was this shy, mysterious guy, and then he became less shy, but more mysterious. And now he's funny, and goofy, and always making me laugh. But he's also sweet, and he likes to cuddle. :) But still dark and mysterious....and sexy. Haha.
Maybe I'm falling head over heels for him too!

Alyssa and I sort of avoid the subject of him when we hang out though. I mean, normally I would totally gush to her about this stuff! But since he's her brother...I'm not sure she'd wanna hear about it. And Daniel told me they avoid it too. So, I don't think she really knows what's going on with us and I'm not sure how to tell her.

Last night Daniel and I talked about what our goals are for the next 6 months. What do we want in life? And that stemmed into a conversation about commitment. And he said he doesn't want me to see other guys, and I told him I don't want to see other guys. And he said he doesn't wanna see other girls either.
It's like we have this...unspoken respect for one another. And I really like that.

Yesterday, someone tagged him in a photo on myspace. It was a picture of him and his daughter, and he was kissing her on the cheek, and she was making a funny face like, "Get off me!" and I couldn't help but say, "Awwwwe!" because it was just the sweetest thing! And then I thought, "Omg what has gotten into me?!" Because normally the idea of dating a guy with a kid would totally freak me out. But...with him it's just different. I dunno...

Well, I'm heading over to his place now! I just can't get enough of this guy! :)

Demetri Of The Day:
Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

Separated At Birth?

Well, Sunday on the boat was a blast!
But remember the boy I mentioned? The one with the crush? Well apparently it's a bigger deal than I thought! His name is Brian. And not only is he determined to pursue me, despite the fact that he knows I'm seeing someone, but he reminds me so much of my ex, The Psycho, that it's frightening. I mean they dress the same, they kinda look alike, they use the same expressions, they write the same, they like all the same stuff (including me, haha!), they even have the same haircut!!! It's insane!!!!!! I mean, I can't even look at the guy, let alone talk to him, without getting the willies!
One thing I can say for Brian is, he's definitely got The Psycho's good qualities. Lol. That is, if he has any. Maybe The Psycho is Brian's evil twin. Lol. I mean, when I first fell for The Psycho it was because he was the "bad boy". You know, dangerous, with tattoos and 2 different colored hair and mohawk, and he stunted bikes, and was really into extreme sports, etc etc... I mean he was very talented at all those things, like motocross, and water skiing, and skating. But he was just the biggest dick ever. And Brian isn't a dick. Actually, if his persistence wasn't so annoying, it might even be a little endearing. ((sigh)) I just feel sorry for the guy. Because even if I wasn't seeing Daniel, I would never be able to get past the whole youremindmeofmyex thing.

As for Daniel, things are still going great! He emails me all day, every day when he's at work. And we hang out a lot, and stay at his place a lot. But it's never gotten past heavy making out. He's actually quite the gentleman. And I like that about him. We just lay in bed and talk and cuddle. We enjoy each other's company. I mean it's not that I don't want to sleep with him, because we definitely have chemistry. But I'm being cautious. Because why would Alyssa tell me to be careful around him, unless she had a good reason to? She's one of my oldest, best friends. And he's her brother. So it's not like she's out to ruin his life or anything. She loves him too.
But so far so good.

Tonight he actually showed up to my work with dinner, because I had mentioned earlier that I wasn't going to have time to eat. :) How sweet was that? Then he begged me to come over afterwards and stay the night. When I assured him he would be fast asleep by the time I got off work, he said he'd leave his door unlocked and give me his gate key. But Bethany and I have a photoshoot tomorrow (well, technically today), and I need my rest, so I told him sorry, not tonight. And I could totally tell he was disappointed.
He told me last night that I just don't realize how much he likes me, and that he hopes I'll stick around. ((sigh)) I do really like him...

Anyways, on Friday I'm miraculously off work, so Melissa and I are taking a 1 night trip to Austin. It's been so long since Melissa and I have gone out together, and I miss her! So I'm really excited! And tomorrow after our shoot, Bethany and I are gonna go out for some cocktails before I meet up with Daniel.

I know I haven't been very good about updating lately, but honestly it's because I've been spending so much time at Daniel's! Maybe I should start bringing my laptop with me... Well, I'll try to do better.

Demetri Of The Day:
"I was in a shoe store and the guy called me boss, and I said, “Yea, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?” And uh, he said, “Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.”
“Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius."