Brainstorm

OMG OMG OMG!!! GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND!!!

Well, today I spent the entire day at MD Anderson with my mom. She has chemo every Monday, and she signed up to do this case study so...aside from the 3 hours of waiting, we spent a lot of time in different rooms talking to different people. But the good news is, the chemo appears to be working!! When her doctor gave her a breast exam today he said he can tell that the lump is significantly smaller! And that's really saying something considering there's only a 7% chance of chemotherapy doing it's job. And my Mom is one of the 7%!!
I'm so relieved. I mean last week at work, I literally had a breakdown. It was the day after my parents got home from their cruise, and the first time I'd seen my mom since she lost all her hair. I was supposed have off that day, but I got called in, and I was just having a bad day you know? And then work was awful, and at the end of the night, I was talking to one of my coworkers about it, his name is Adam, and he just hugged me and told me that everything happens for a reason, and just... He was really really sweet. And I actually shed a few tears. ((Sigh))
But I'm past all that now, things are looking up! It was just kind of like I experienced the shock all over again. Ya know?

So anyways, the other good news is that Brandon and I are doing wonderful! He's so sweet, and considerate, and affectionate... It's like I'm getting back a whole year's worth of hugs, kisses and hand holds! :)
He spends then night almost every night. He calls me sweetheart, and baby. And the other night, we had the most amazing sex ever! I mean...almost every position; we went for hours! It was awesome.
On Saturday, we went to the Renaissance Festival with my parents. It was his first time meeting them, and my mom told me today that he's the best guy I've ever brought home! She really likes him. :) And so do I. ((sigh)) I'm really falling for him. Fast. Too fast! I'm almost afraid. I mean you can never be too careful.
His birthday is this Wednesday and I have no idea what to get him. Anybody have any ideas?? I want it to be something personal, but it can't be too much, ya know cuz we haven't been together that long. So I'm having a really hard time thinking of something. The only thing I know he really likes is golf. He doesn't watch TV, he doesn't buy CDs, he doesn't really have time for that many hobbies...
So yea, I need ideas. And I need them fast!

Weighing My Options

I went to the doctor with my mom on Thursday. We were there for about 3 hours. They gave her 2 exams and talked about what her possible options might be; chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, etc... But right now it all depends on how much of the tumor is invasive. And they have to do a biopsy on the invasive component to find out. And if it's more invasive than non-invasive, then she'll definitely have to have chemo. ((sigh)) It's a lot of information. My poor mom hardly understands half of the stuff the doctors say. I took a bunch of notes for her. Two pages worth actually. She has to go back on Monday morning, so she's gonna spend the night here with me, and I'm gonna drive her over. I live a hell of a lot closer to MD Anderson than my parents do, and with all the traffic, it's at least an hour drive for them. So I told her she could spend the night here. I'm off work anyway. So that's the story with that.

Last night, is another story entirely. And a much happier one!
First of all, one of my coworkers, Ali, is dating this guy, and him and his cousin came in last night. And the cousin is HOT. He's 6'4", dark hair, pretty teeth...HOT. And he asked Ali about me, so we chatted a bit, etc etc, and I gave him my number. Before he left, he came to say bye to me, kissed my hand and told me he'd call me later. Lol. And he texted me while we were counting money! :)
Then something weird happened. Remember the new girl who made an ass of herself at the employee party last month? Her name is Lauren. Well, I still can't stand her. She tries sooooo hard to make people like her, it's sad. She laughs at everything anyone says, even if she's not even in the conversation!!! Ugh... Well she's 19, maybe that's why. Anyways, she was hardcore flirting with John last night. And she jumped on his back, and was giggling her annoying giggle with her annoying horsey face and I just suddenly got so...JEALOUS! I couldn't even explain it! WHY was I jealous??? Maybe it's just because I don't like Lauren so much?? I dunno...
And the other weird thing is, I've kind of been thinking about John a lot lately. I talked to Alyssa about it on Thursday. I just feel like the whole situation with us got out of hand, because we were both drunk, and that wasn't how I wanted it to happen. Ya know? And I still kind of have feelings for him! I just don't know what to do about it! Alyssa thinks I should go for it.
So back to last night... I got really jealous, and I recognized that I was jealous. Even with thoughts of this tall, hot guy who's interested in me, I couldn't stop thinking about John! So we were all hanging out drinking beer after work. Then Bethany and Tug came over to hang out, and everybody decided to take the party over to Blinn's house. Bethany didn't wanna go, but we needed to catch up on things so we sat in her car and talked and smoked a bowl before I headed over to Blinn's. I told her about John and Lauren and how it made me jealous. She laughed. Lol. Then Mark called and asked where I was, so I told him I'd be there in a minute.
By the time I got there, I was definitely high, and a little buzzed, and a lot annoyed that Lauren was there. Ugh. But we had a good time anyway. I had a couple glasses of wine, goofed off and flirted with John... :)
Then when everybody started to leave, I was getting ready to go and John stole my keys! That, of course, led to wrestling on the couch, which caused Blinn to roll his eyes and go upstairs. Lol. Now it was just me and John, and before I knew it, he was kissing me. And I liked it! Haha. I finally got my keys back from him, told him goodbye and left. I put a note on his car that said, "By the way, YOU kissed ME!"
When I woke up this afternoon, I had a text from him that said, "Yes, I know and you weren't very resistent."
Haha.
I don't really know what's going to happen now. But this time was different. And I don't wanna go running scared again, so I'm just gonna play it really cool, and try to get to know him better and just...see what happens! And I'm gonna keep seeing other people too. Like that hottie from last night...
So, in the guy department, things are actually looking up for once!
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see John tonight at work. Hopefully it's not awkward.
Wish me luck!

Feeling Accomplished

Today was nice. I got all my shopping done, and got a pedicure. No massage though. I forgot I had to sign Oliver up for puppy school, so I figured I'd try and save some cash. I also nipped into the groomer's so I could get his ears trimmed and his toenails filed. So we had a big day! Oh, and I just bought a new toy on bootyparlor.com! ;)
Now I'm just sitting on my couch in my underwear watching shows on my DVR.

WHO WATCHED HEROES LAST NIGHT!?! It was awesome!

So the guy I was telling you guys about, The Good Guy, he didn't call me today! Wth?? I mean, he's a good guy. Aren't they always supposed to call?? Well, regardless, I've decided I'm just not that into him. I was just trying to play it safe ya know? Because chances are, with him, I wouldn't get hurt, since I'm not that into him. But that isn't fair. So I'm just...not gonna call him. ((sigh))
When did it become so hard to find someone that you can relate to, connect with and...actually be attracted to! WHERE ARE ALL THESE GUYS?!! Grrr...
Well, I guess I don't really have that much to write about today. My mom has a doctor's appointment on Thursday at MD Anderson and I'm gonna go with her. She really needs my support, and as worried as I am about her, I just can't let it show. I have to be strong for her. It's hard though. Harder than you could ever imagine!
Well, anyway, it's back to Seinfeld now.

Masks

I really feel like someone out in the cosmos is trying to test me this week. To see how far they can bend me before I break.

Friday I got into a ridiculous argument with Daniel, and went home feeling like crap. I hardly slept at all that night, only to wake up knowing what I would have to face the next day.

Saturday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. My horse. I know to all you who are reading, that may seem silly, but I loved Mister with all my heart. I just couldn't afford to keep him. So I had to sell him. As soon as I got home from the barn, I collapsed into tears while in my closet looking for a pair of shoes. I still haven't been able to bring myself to cash the check.

Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. And it was another night of restless sleep.

Monday I got an email from Daniel, pretty much saying I'm a crappy person. That just made my day. But I kept telling myself it would be ok. I would be ok. And it was starting to work.

By Tuesday I was getting over it.

Then Wednesday evening I get a phone call, and it takes Daniel 30 minutes to tell me how much he cares about me BUT, apparently I'm not worth trying to make it work. So much for getting over it. And you know what? Right now I just feel so worn down, and so...driven into the ground, that I don't even care about trying to pretend it doesn't hurt. Because it does. A lot more than I had imagined it could.

Why can't people ever just say what they really mean? What they really feel? Why does it seem like it always takes me so long just to get to the bottom of it, to get the the real truth? Why do people have to wear masks? Masks of sympathy, masks of sorrow, masks of concern, masks of regret... Don't bother. Just fucking say it.

Wednesday night, I get another phone call. One of my best friends is in the hospital. He had a heart attack. And he's 26 years old. My stomach flew up into my throat as soon as I heard. And I can't even go visit him tomorrow because he's in ICU, and they have really limited visitation hours, and I have to go to stupid fucking Huntsville for a court date tomorrow. What kind of friend am I if I can't even go see my best friend in the hospital??

As soon as I came home I played the piano. For about an hour. It seems to be the only thing that calms me down, without distracting me from what's really going on. I just play what I'm feeling. And then I just cried. Because...this can't be happening...

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads - heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines, oh, you won't catch me around here
Blood and tears (hearts)
They were here first

Whacha say,
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Whatcha say,
That its all for the best?
Because it is

Whatcha say?
That it's just what we need
You decided this
Whatcha say?
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no i don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
Oh no, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit