Cloud 9

The last couple days I've been on Cloud 9!
Except for Friday. I worked at the bar that night, and it was really slow. And Brandon had the night off because it was his slore's birthday. And of course, they showed up. Ugh. I also found out that she is his GIRLFRIEND; he's actually in a relationship with this nasty piece of white trash, and for some reason it really upset me. I mean, all that bullshit he spat to me about not being able to balance a relationship, and GOLF, and the fact that he NEVER took off work for my birthday... At my birthday party, he was a total ass!! ((sigh))
Whatever. I don't know why it even bothers me, but having to look at her stupid, pasty white, ugly, squishy face, just makes something erupt inside of me and I just wanna set her on fire! One other strange thing happened Friday. Rusty was there. His band was playing. And I haven't seen him since...well since I dropped him off after the big hurricane over a year ago. He dyed his hair black, wears wayyy too much eyeliner and he looks completely emaciated. Probably from the drugs. Who knows, but he looks like a total emo freak! And he came up to me during their set break and was hitting on me! Telling me how he moved, and he has a new bedroom, with a 60 inch TV and nobody to watch movies with. Ugh...
When we were counting tips at the end of the night, he actually walked to the back and asked me to come over and watch a movie with him!! In front of everyone! I had to laugh, I was so incredulous. He still doesn't have a car, or a phone!! Some things never change... He even texted me at 7:30 am from some yahoo messaging program, wanting to talk! I was asleep, and didn't get the message till the next morning, but needless to say, I didn't write him back.

Anyways, Saturday was MUCH better. Bethany and I finally got together for lunch. It was really great. We talked about everything. Her breakup, Miami, Todd, her new love interest... And I realized how much I've actually missed her. I guess I just needed a break from all the drama. But I love Bethany, I always will, and I'm glad to have her back. :)

Work was awesome on Saturday night, too. First off, it was totally slammed! Secondly, Todd came in to see me, with a group of his friends, and finally, Brandon was there to witness it all. ((Evil grin))
I bought Todd a bottle of champagne, since I know how much he likes it now. Haha! He stood over on my end of the bar, and hung out with me. We took shots together, and it was just really fun! But then I got sent to the back bar, cuz their computer went down, and I got stuck back there for the rest of the night. But Todd came back there to say bye to me at the end of the night, and we ended up making really good money too.
Since I had promised Todd I'd go to church on Sunday, if he went, (for old time's sake!) I literally got 2.5 hours of sleep Saturday night! I got home at 5:30am that night, since we'd been so busy, and we had to do inventory. Then I had to get up at 8 to shower, get ready and drive all the way down to the south side of town, where our church is.
Todd's family and mine sat together, just like we always used to. It was really nice. I felt so...happy! I can't even explain it. As tired as I was, I was really glad to be there. It just felt right. Todd sat on one side of me, and his mom sat on my other side, so that she could chat with my mom. During the offering, she leaned over and asked me if Todd and I wanted to get lunch after church. Of course we both agreed.
But when church ended, it literally took us 30 minutes to get out of there because of all the people bombarding Todd in the narthex! It was crazy! But we finally made it out, and headed to our favorite Mexican restaurant, which is conveniently situated between both of our parents' neighborhoods.
I went to my parents house for a bit afterwards and my mom told me, that Todd's mom told her, that everyone at church was asking if Todd and I are dating.

"And she smiled a little bit too when she said it, like...??" My mom said.

I rolled my eyes. "Ok mom, you've made your point."

"Well I just think maybe you and Todd should get together! And I think his mom thinks so too." She pressed.

"Ok well, Todd's mom just loves fixing people up! It's like her hobby!"

"Yea, but I know she loves you, and you and Todd get along so well, and you make him laugh, and you guys have fun together, why not??"

I sighed. "I don't know, Mom." I said.

I didn't feel like explaining all the complications to her. She doesn't know for sure how I really feel about Todd, but I'm pretty sure she suspects.

When I finally got home around 6:30, I got in bed with Jasper, watched a couple episodes of Glee on DVD and then crashed. I'm still really tired though, and I'm not too sure when I'll get caught back up on my sleep. Todd is headed to Dallas today to start house hunting. But he'll be back this weekend, for the joint Birthday/Superbowl party on Saturday. Lucky for me, I'm off work at the bar that night, so I'll be there! I'm working on a really awesome present for Todd too. His birthday is the 2nd week in March. Cookoff is this week too. I have a feel the next 2 weeks are gonna be pretty awesome and I can't wait!

Ike's Aftermath

I dropped Rusty off at a friend's house and then headed back to my apartment.
Still no power.
I called Bethany and she said I could crash with her. So I went straight there with all my things and Oliver. I've been here ever since. Rusty sent me a couple text messages, but we haven't spoken at all. In fact, my phone gets terrible reception in Bethany's house, so I haven't really been getting any phone calls.
The first couple days here were fun. I actually like living with Bethany and Tugg! But our bar still had no power, so none of us were able to work, and I was pretty low on cash. The lines for gas have been so long, they wrap around corners, grocery stores have no power, and therefore nothing cold. All the street lights are out so traffic is always bad. ((sigh)) Everything around here just sucks.
My parents told me today that they might not even get power back for a month! I was getting pretty depressed too before midtown finally got power back last night! I was actually able to work. I mean, think about it. You have no money, no place to live, and no job. And I hate mooching off people. And I know I'm welcome here for as long as I need to stay, but I still feel bad. Like, I'm taking advantage, ya know? It's not a good feeling. But I made 250 bucks last night, so things are already looking up.
We really do need all your prayers though! Things down here are absolutely horrible. Schools are shut down, people can't go to work, a lot of people don't even have water! And there's no telling how long this will all last, but it seems like a while.
Oliver has his first doctor's appointment tomorrow. Well, first appointment since I've had him. So that should be interesting. ((sigh)) Anyways, I gotta go get ready for work! We have this new girl, and she's absolutely awful. Not to mention she's a smartass bitch, and nobody likes her. Lol. I almost hope she's working tonight, just so that I'll have someone to take my frustration out on. Hahaha!

Escape To Austin

I tried as hard as I could to discourage him from coming with me. I mean, my plan was to stay with Izzie. She had already told me once that my dog and I would always be welcome to stay with her, but I wasn't so sure about me and Oliver, plus 2... ((sigh))
He said I could drop him off at his sisters "on the way" "maybe", but to begin with, her place was definitely not on the way. In fact, it was so out of the way, that I definitely didn't want to take him there, and secondly, she didn't answer his phone calls, so that was out.
I explained the situation to Izzie, and Shane. Both were sympathetic and Izzie said we could still stay. So we hit the road by 5:30. Traffic was very light, because of the recent catastrophe, so we made decent time. Not including the 2 stops we had to make because his dog puked all over my backseat. Three times.
I was furious.
((sigh))

Once we got into Austin, he made me stop at a Target so he could buy some clothes and a razor. And of course, I had to wait in the car with the dogs. All this time Izzie and Shane kept calling me, asking me where we were, because they needed to leave to make an appearance at a party, and couldn't leave until I'd gotten there. So I kept telling Rusty to hurry, but he never hurries. Then I had to take the dogs out to pee, and his stupid dog kept yanking on the leash and tangling us all up. It was awful. He took 45 fucking minutes in that store getting one shirt and a razor!

By the time we got to Izzie and her husband's apartment, I was so frustrated, but all I could do was give Izzie and Shane huge hugs and meaningful looks. But they understood.
Rusty hardly spoke to anyone, other than to introduce himself.

Anyways, since it was a Saturday, of course we were gonna go owntown. Izzie and Shane had already left for the party, and the plan was for Rusty and I to get ready, and then we'd all meet up on 6th. So he showered first, and took a million years I might add.
"What took you so long?" I asked when he finally got out.
"I had to shave!" He protested.
Seriously!?!? Us girls have to shave practically our entire bodies and it never takes me that long!
So I showered as fast as I could, dried my hair, put on my makeup, got dressed and curled my hair all in an hour. When I emerged from the bathroom, I was completely ready, and looking like a million bucks! ;)
"Ok, let's go!" I announced.
"What?? I'm not even ready!"
"What do you mean you're not ready!? What have you been doing all this time??"
"Well I needed the bathroom! I have to straighten my hair!"
I couldn't even respond to that one.
"Hurry up." I said through gritted teeth.

I waited another 30 minutes. Izzie and Shane were texting me again, asking what was taking so long. By the time we got to 6th, it was midnight! So I immediately began drinking. For one, I needed to take the edge off, and second, I needed to make up for lost time.
I did end up having a lot of fun. It was so great to spend some time with Izzie and Shane. Rusty didn't talk much. Surprise surprise. He was pretty much antisocial the whole night. I tried to include him in conversation and loosen him up. But he wasn't having any of it. Oh well. I had a nice buzz going by the end of the night, and we all headed back to Izzie's.

It just so happened that the A/C in Shane's house was out, so she and her dog were staying at Izzie's too. Her husband had pulled out the couch bed and made up a pallet on the floor for us while we were gone. Rusty boldly assumed that he would be sleeping on the bed, and pitched a huge fit when Shane informed him that she and I would be sleeping there. He crawled under the covers of his makeshift sleeping bag and put a pillow over his head! How old is he?! Twelve?! Ugh.
Then, of course, his dog kept running around and trying to jump on our bed. Shane was really pissed about that.

"You better keep your dog over there, because if she jumps up here while I'm sleeping and wakes me up, I'm gonna get really pissed." She said.

He called her back over to him, and I couldn't help but feel a little smug about it. I mean finally
someone besides me was telling him to take care of his damn dog!

The next morning, I woke to the sound of Izzie's husband ranting that Rusty's dog was "shitting all over the porch" and that somebody needed to "get up and take care of the damn dogs!"
I immediately jumped out of bed to help him.
Rusty continued to lay there.
WTF!?!?
I couldn't believe he could be so inconsiderate and disrespectful! I mean Izzie and her husband don't know him! They don't even like him! They didn't have to let us come stay, and they sure as hell shouldn't have to take care of any more dogs!
That was when I decided I was gonna have to cut the trip short. I just felt horrible putting them out like that, and I didn't want to inflict Rusty (or his dog) on them for another night. I told Izzie we were gonna leave early. She agreed it was probably for the best, because she didn't want to end up fighting with her husband.
Then we watched a movie, just the girls, while Rusty left to make long phone calls. But I was enjoying the time without him! We started calling it RFMs. Rusty Free Moments. Lol. It became like an inside joke.

After the movie, we all showered and went out to lunch, and then Rusty and I hit the road.
I had to stop at a gas station on the way out. Rusty went inside to get something while I was pumping gas. When I got back in the car, he was sitting there with a 40 oz can of beer!!

"What the hell are you doing!? You can't drink that in my car! What is wrong with you!?"
He blubbered something incoherent.
"Oh my god you are such an idiot..." I muttered under my breath. He still heard.

That was the last straw. After all the paranoia and all the shit he talks about my driving, and occasional speeding, because he doesn't want me to get pulled over, because he has warrants, etc etc... And he wanted to drink a BEER in my car!!!!
I snatched it from him and dumped it out.

"Fine. I'll just sit here and not say anything and not do anything so that I don't piss you off. Because apparently I can't do anything right." He huffed at me.
"How very mature of you."

We didn't speak the entire drive back to Houston.

The Hurricane

Note: Thanks everyone for your comments of concern, and subsequent relief! Thank the Lord that my family and I are all ok. We're still without power over here, which really sucks, but Oliver and I have a warm bed and food, so I guess I can't really complain, right? Anyways, I'm still at Bethany's, but everyone's in bed now, so I snuck over to the computer to type for you all. Here is part one of my adventure! Enjoy!


Ok, let's start with the Thursday. The day before the hurricane.
Rusty did end up texting me back, like...45 minutes later! He said he was thinking about taking me up on my offer. I made him sweat it a while and didn't immediately respond. Then he sent me another text that said, "I hope you still want me to come over..." and before I could even hit send on my response, he was calling me.
I kept our conversation short. I told him I'd come and get him after work, but that I couldn't chat cuz I needed to finish getting ready for work. Work was alright; we got pretty busy towards the end of the night since nobody had to work the next day, in lieu of the storm. So afterwards, I went and got him. And his dog. Ugh... He has a 5 month old half dalmatian, and she's absolutely a hellion. Not to mention the fact that she's poorly trained, and rarely disciplined. But whatever. She and Oliver get along pretty well, and I wasn't about to tell him to leave his dog! That would be horrible.
So we got back to my apartment pretty late, and we talked a little. He asked why I'd been ignoring his texts/calls, and I told him. Straight up. I said I was fed up with his ungrateful attitude, and I was tired of driving so far out of my way for him, and I felt unappreciated, etc. Oh, and the fact that his casual drug use causes him to call me at 4 in the morning doesn't help either. I basically told him he needed to grow up. He pouted a little, and apologized, but I think I already knew in my mind that that was it for him. I mean, he's not going to change! And it was kind of nice actually, because it was as if, in those 4 days of not talking to him, I got over it! And that's pretty quick for me! I'm impressed with myself. I mean just the initial attraction was gone. The dangerous, he'shotcuzhe'samusician thing wasn't doin' it for me anymore. Because I realized, I want something more!
But, since I already had him at my apartment, for at least a couple days, I figured I'd roll with it and just have fun, and then... And then that would be that. The End.

So, Day Zero. The day of the hurricane.
We woke up really late, did a little last minute shopping, you know, liquor store, drug store, etc... When we got back to my apartment, we were stocked and ready for the hurricane! We watched a little TV, made out a little, smoked a little pot, goofed off some... I begged him to play me a song, but he wouldn't. Of course. You'd think after all the stuff I've done for him, he'd at least oblige by playing me a song! ((sigh))
Anyways, then we decided to go swimming. I can't remember who's idea it was, but I just got this new waterproof camera, and I've been dying to try it! So we changed into our suits and headed out to the pool. Only to find that it had been padlocked. Foiled again! Grr...
But some helpful neighbors on the overhanging pool patio told us not to get discouraged! They had already jumped the fence once. Haha! So we decided to go for it, and they ended up joining us!
It was actually really fun! I got to know some of my neighbors finally, and we all got nice and boozed up, swam around, and had fun! I mixed shots for us all, and we watched the high winds come in until finally we all decided to call it a night.
When Rusty and I went back inside, I took a shower immediately. I figured I should take advantage of the power while we still had it. Then we tried to watch some TV, but ended up making out...and other things, instead. Finally we passed out.
Only to be woken by loud banging and whooshing noises about an hour later! My windows were rattling, and I could hear things banging around outside. We kept watching out the window, but there wasn't really much to see other than swaying trees and the parking lot. So we turned the TV back on to the news. Then the power shut off.
I lit candles and we retreated back to my room. The dogs were driving us crazy by this point. Rusty's dog was really nervous and kept jumping up on the bed and scratching me. Ugh... I tried to go to sleep, but Rusty kept getting up to look out the window (at nothing, I might add, since everything was pitch dark outside too!) and then banging into things and knocking things off my shelves, which in turn, would startle me awake. This happened about 4 times throughout the morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, if at all. Not to mention it was really hot by this time since we had no A/C. ((sigh))
At one point, the storm quieted and we thought it was over, but it must have just been the eye (which had a 49 mile radius!) passing over us, because it came back even stronger. I called my dad at 4 am to ask him how they were doing, because I was so worried. Apparently they'd lost power way before we did, and were at the neighbor's, who had a generator. I asked my dad about my window too, because I was really starting to worry that it might shatter. But he told me it was probably just the frame, not the glass. And he ended up being right. My dad is so smart! :)
I tried to go to sleep again after that. Rusty and/or his dog woke me up a couple more times though, and by the time the sun woke me up, I was reallllllly cranky. And of course, Rusty was passed out comfortably.
I got up and found several doggie presents, which I then proceeded to clean up, only to discover the toilet wasn't flushing. No water pressure. Great. And I really had to pee too. And it was so unbearably hot! How could he just sleep like that??? I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my keys.
"Hey!", I shook him, "I'm going out. I have to find a working bathroom."
He just groaned and didn't move.
As soon as I got outside I took a long look at the damage. Branches and debris everywhere. The large canopies by the pool knocked over... I could go on. Luckily my car was fine. Mostly everyone's car in my complex was. But still, no power anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I drove around for a half hour trying to find a place that would just be open so that I could their toilet! But no such luck. There were street lights dangling from their cords in the middle of intersections. Large plastic store signs shattered, with pieces of colored plastic blown across the street. Trees the size of ones you'd find in Middle Earth fallen on top of roofs. Windows broken in high rises. Leaves and branches and trees just...everywhere! Blocking entire lanes of traffic! And of course, none of the street lights were working. ((sigh))
It was absolutely catastrophic.

I went back to my apartment, and peed in the toilet anyway. I couldn't hold it anymore.
Then I noticed a large pee stain...ON MY FUCKING BED!

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed.
Rusty didn't even move.
"HELLO!? Your dog fucking pissed on my bed!"
"Huh?", he rolled over, "You don't know that."
"Yes. I do. Oliver has never had any accidents in my bed. He holds it till morning."
"So? It coulda been him. You don't know it was her. Besides, I was laying right here, I would have noticed. And she wouldn't do that right in front of me..." He was obviously in complete denial.
"YOU WERE ASLEEP! And she obviously did! Because Oliver can't jump up on my bed by himself, I have to put him up there. It was her. And now I'm the one cleaning it up. Just great...."

I was fuming. How could he just lay there in bed and let me clean up after his dog who just pissed in my bed?! He didn't even apologize!! I went to the kitchen and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. Then I stomped around the house for a while, grumbling to myself.

"Why are you yellin' at me? Why are you being so grumpy??" Rusty asked in a petulant voice.
"Because. Because it's hot. And I hardly got any sleep with you waking me up every 20 minutes. And then I wake up and I can't even pee. And there's piss and shit all over my new apartment, which I cleaned up, and then! To top it all off, your fucking dog pisses in my fucking bed. Excuse me for being a little irritated!" I snapped.

Then I grabbed my suitcase out of the closet. I started packing.

"What are you doing?" Rusty asked, finally sitting up.
"Packing."
"For what?"
"I just...I have to get out of here." I huffed.
"Well...where??"
"We're going to Austin."

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Ok, so there's this hurricane, right? And normally, I don't let these things bother me, because we always have hurricane scares here, and then everyone gets in their car and drives for hours and hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to move like...2 miles. And then the hurricane never even hits. So I always just stay put.
But apparently this one is pretty serious. Not for me, because luckily I'm far enough away from it now. But my parents, and a lot of my friends live in the evacuation zones and they all have to leave. A lot of businesses are closing too. Except of course, my bar. They're staying open tonight, but possibly closing for the rest of the weekend. So Melissa and Amanda are partying, Jenna's partying, pretty much everyone I know that doesn't work with me is having a hurricane party.
And Rusty texted me asking if I wanted to go to Dallas!
I didn't respond at first. But then like 20 minutes later, after getting off the phone with Melissa, who informed me that all north-bound traffic is practically at a stand-still, I wrote him back.

"Lol. You'll never make it to Dallas."
"Why do you say that?"
"Traffic is too bad."
"No it isn't. I just got back from Katy...Don't you at least want to see me a little?

Ugh...

"I'm not going to Dallas. I have to work tonight."
"But you do wanna see me?"
"Don't flatter yourself. You're not staying home, are you?"
"Not sure yet."
"Well you shouldn't stay there."
"I know but the only person I have here is my parents, and they want me to stay with them. That's closer."
"Do you at least have a ride?"
"Everyone is already gone."
"Are you kidding me??"
"LOL no."
"Well then what are you gonna do!? Why didn't you leave when "everybody" else did?"
"Well I was playing a show last night when my roommate left."
"Ok well...what are your options?"
"So far, just go to my parents."
"Well aren't they under mandatory evacuation?"

(His parents live pretty far south)

"I don't know"
"I'm pretty sure they are, cuz my parents are. Why don't you just come to Houston?"
"I'm trying to find a way"

Here's the part where I stopped, and really thought about what to say next. Because obviously, I still like him, but I am doing alright without him. But at the same time, I'm a nice person and I don't want to leave him stranded.

"((sigh)) Well if you REALLY need a ride, I can come get you. If you drown in the hurricane, I don't want that on my conscience."

So now, I'm just waiting for his response. Erg... Why do I put myself in these positions?? If he doesn't write back, I'm seriously never talking to him again. And hey, maybe the bar will be closed this weekend, and I can just sit back with a bottle of wine and my DVR and watch TV! Could be fun!

Group Hang

Well this past Friday we went out for Melissa's birthday. And we went to one of the newer bars on the Washington Strip. I had only been there once, and I remembered it being kind of a hole in the wall, and not very busy. But this time, it was packed! Bethany came too, and it ended up just being me, Melissa, Tim, Bethany and Evan. But we had so much fun! And I even met a cute bartender, and I gave him my phone number.
So on Sunday, before the whole Rusty thing, The Bartender texted me! We chatted a little bit, but I was at work, so we couldn't talk for long.
Then today, Jenna and I had plans to hang out at a local icehouse when she got off work. So I texted The Bartender and asked him to join us, before I hopped in the shower.
I left my phone sitting on the bathroom counter, and I heard him text a response while I was washing my hair. I smiled to myself as I hurried through the rest of my shower. I immediately checked my messages when I got out.
Except it wasn't from The Bartender.
It was Rusty.
"U hate me now?"
Ugh... I didn't respond. About 5 minutes later, The Bartender wrote back saying he'd meet us there.
So when Jenna got off work, we headed over to the icehouse. I brought Oliver with me, and Evan met up with us too. We played the touch screen trivia game, and had a few beers before The Bartender showed up.
It was hard for me to really decide what I thought of him. I mean, all of us bartenders act differently when we're not at work. Jenna didn't like him. She says he thinks he's hot shit. Lol. But to be honest, there weren't really any sparks between us. I mean, he's a nice guy and all but just...not that interesting.
Oh well, at least I hung out with a guy. A guy that wasn't Rusty.
Speaking of Rusty, he sent me another text when I got home.
"Just heard your myspace says you're done? I didn't even do anything wrong."
Fuckin' classic. I put that as my myspace status last night.
Peyton is DONE.
Mood: used.
I doubt he heard that either. He probably just saw it. And yea, maybe he didn't do anything wrong, but he sure as hell didn't do anything right!! I didn't respond to that one either.

I Told You So

Go ahead and say it.
I broke things off with Rusty tonight. I just couldn't handle it. Him treating me like shit, and using me, and just...not being that into me, I guess you could say. And while I may sound so candid and to the point about this in my writing, I've completely broken down, and I can barely see the computer screen through my tears.
When will I ever get this right??
When will I ever find someone who will just make me happy?
I'm not just upset about Rusty. I'm upset because I saw the good in him. The good that other people refused to see. The talent, the potential, the goodness in his heart. But it is still going to waste, and I'm still a failure, because no matter how much good I may see in people, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to use that goodness on me. I'm still going to get stepped on, used, and shit on by these guys. And I'm always going to be the one with the broken heart.
I just can't take this right now. My mom is getting steadily worse. Every time I talk to her, she sounds more worried, more upset... She's been in a lot of pain, and there's nothing I can do. She even has my dad all upset. Apparently she keeps talking to him about his "future wife". She says she wants us all to "be prepared".
((sigh))
My life is getting steadily worse... I'm just... I wish I could just not care about anything.
Ever.

An Unhealthy Obsession

So things with Rusty and I haven't exactly been going perfectly. I mean the whole driving down there all the time thing is getting old. And I'm starting to feel like he doesn't really appreciate it! And I'm also getting really sick of people telling me to stay away from him etc etc... I get it, ok people?! He's a bad guy, he's bad news, he's this, he's that... I DON'T CARE! I make my own decisions and my own mistakes. And if he is a mistake, then I'm going to have only myself to blame. But no matter what...I still can't get enough of him.
((sigh))
I really wanted him to come over and hang out last night, because I didn't have to work, and neither did he. But said he wasn't feeling well, and he just wanted to stay home. Even when I offered to pick him up! I vented to Melissa on the phone about it for an hour, and she told me to blow him off for the rest of the night, so I did. He called me around 11:30 and I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text at 3:30 am that said, "I can't believe you didn't call me back".
I tried calling him just a minute ago, because he usually wakes up around 4, but he didn't answer. Of course. So I sent him a text, just so that he would know I called, and couldn't pretend he didn't have any missed calls. All I said was, "Hey, I didn't get your text till today, I was passed out. Guess you're still sleeping. Call me when you wake up!"
All I wanna do is see him! Wrap my arms around him, kiss him...((sigh)) I have some serious issues. I need to get my head out of the clouds for real, and come back to reality. This is so not healthy. Ugh...
Today is Melissa's 25th birthday. We're celebrating tomorrow. I requested the opening shift tomorrow so that I could hang out with her and the girls. So hopefully that will be a fun escape from what is really going on in my life.

The Make Up

Friday was mostly miserable. All I could think about was Rusty, and by the time it was time to go to Todd's tailgate party, I didn't even feel like getting dressed. I just wasn't in a social mood. But I made myself go, and I brought Oliver and sat outside in the blistering heat for about an hour, before ducking out early to head back home. I kept my phone in my pocket the whole time, hoping he would call, but he didn't.
So after the party, I went back to sleep. I figured I could probably use the sleep, since I hadn't had a full night in about 5 days. Plus, at least when I was sleeping, I wasn't worrying about Rusty.
I woke up around 8:30 and started getting ready to go out. I had made up my mind. I would just go up to work, approach him, and apologize. Just explain it to him. And if he didn't wanna talk to me, well then...fine. So I put on one of my sexiest tops, and some tight fitting jeans and headed out. As I was walking up to the door of my bar, I could hear him singing from inside. He sounded great as always. I took a deep breath and went in. Cameryn and a couple of the waitresses had just gotten off work, so I went and chilled with them for a while. Cameryn mentioned something about Rusty being "Peyton's dude" in front of the other girls. I was completely shocked! First of all, because the only people at work who know are Alyssa and Bethany, and second because she's a manager and I just didn't figure she'd bother with gossip. After a little bit, they all decided to head over the shot bar, but I stayed to wait for Rusty's set to be over. Then Sharon came up to hang out. She's one of my coworker's girlfriends, and she's the one who was puppysitting for me on Thursday night.
Finally his set ended. As soon as he set his guitar down, we made eye contact. I flushed and turned back around. The next thing I knew, he was right behind me.
"Hey," he said, "You came!" He seemed genuinely happy to see me.
"Yea." I said, and couldn't help but smile.
"So...you don't hate me?" He asked hesitantly.
"What??? No! Look...I'm sorry I freaked out on you last night. I just...I was kind of drunk, and my feelings were hurt, and I overreacted a little."
"It's ok," he said, "Why didn't you call me today? I wasn't expecting you to show up after I didn't hear from you."
"Well I tried calling you last night, but you didn't answer, so I just figured you didn't wanna talk to me. And I thought if you did, then you'd call." I told him.
"Oh. Well I was waiting for you to call, cuz you were the one that was mad."
"Well, yea, I was but..."
"Look, I just can't trust my roommate alone in the apartment when there's people over. I mean I have a lot of expensive equipment in there and I don't want it to get stolen. And he was really drunk... I had to stay home. I wasn't planning on it or anything." He explained.
"It's fine. We can talk about it later if you want." I said, and then he kissed me! And it was like in that moment, my whole day went from being crappy, to being wonderful. :) I mean he was just so cool about the whole thing. No drama whatsoever. It was just...over. That's it!
So Sharon and I hung out for a while, and watched him play, then we went over to the shot bar for a while, then we went back. It was a really fun night over all. The best part being that Rusty came home with me and we cuddled all night, and all day today. :)
We went out to lunch, then I played the piano for him, and we watched Heroes in bed...
Today was complete bliss.
In fact, I just got home from work about 20 minutes ago, and he's on the phone with me right now practically begging me to come over. But I'm definitely staying home tonight.
Alyssa and Russ are having a Labor Day party tomorrow afternoon and he's coming with me. Then I have to go to work...ugh.
Anyways, I really need to direct my attention towards our phone conversation right now, because he's being very persistent about me coming over, and I think I'm losing this argument...

Phase II: Disappointment

Todd is having a tailgate party today at 3 o'clock for his first game. A couple days ago, I asked Rusty if he'd go with me.
"So you're saying you want me to go with you?" He said.
"I'm asking if you wanna come with me." I said.
"Well, yea, sure. That sounds like fun." He agreed.
I spent both Tuesday and Wednesday night at his place, Oliver in tow. We had a lot of fun, as usual, and there was a lot of making out. :)
Yesterday morning when we were laying in bed I told him it was his turn to stay with me. I had spent the last 2 nights over there, and plus we had that party to go to, which is right by my apartment. So he said ok.
So last night both Alyssa and I got off at 9, and we had plans to hang out afterward. Rusty, of course, wanted me to go watch his show, which was about 30 minutes south of Houston. And of course, me wanting to see him, decided to go. But I played it cool when he asked, and I told him maybe.
But by yesterday afternoon, he was asking if I'd be there and I said yes.
So Alyssa and I drove down there, and Russ and his brother and fiance met us there too. The place he was playing at is definitely not my favorite place to hang out, and I've definitely been there too many times in the last week. But the only reason I was there was to see him play.
He gave me a kiss as soon as I got there, and we took some shots together. While he was playing, I played darts with Alyssa and everybody, and we had a good time. Then around 12:30 Alyssa & company decided to leave, but I stayed to wait for Rusty. Rusty's roommate and girlfriend had just showed up. It was her birthday and they were both pretty drunk. So I hung out with them during his last set.
When they were finally done playing, and he came over to our table, I told him we couldn't hang around very long afterward because I needed to go pick up Oliver from a friend's house, who was babysitting. Then he acted kinda iffy about staying over at my place.
"Why can't you just stay over here?" He pleaded.
"Because! I can't just leave Oliver! I told her I'd get him by like 3:30."
"Well then just go get him and come back."
"What!? No way. Drive all the way back there, get him, and then drive all the way back down here, just so I can get up and drive all the way back to Houston again?? That doesn't make any sense. I have to go home tonight."
He sighed.
"Well, we'll figure it out after we finish putting everything away." He said.
"What is there to figure out? Whether or not you're with me, I have to go home tonight." I said firmly, "I mean if I woulda known you were just gonna stay here, I would have left with Alyssa." Now I was starting to get upset. What about the party? What about everything we had agreed on??
"Ok well we'll talk about when I'm done." He said dismissively.
I sighed and sat back down to wait. After about 15 minutes, I told him I was just going to wait in my car because it was freezing in there. So I went outside to wait.
...and wait....and wait.
Finally he came out, and put his guitar, a mic stand, and something else in a big case that I dunno what it was, in my back seat. Then I waited some more, and then he got in the car. By this time, I was on the phone with Bethany. She had called me while I was waiting for him. So when I got off the phone, we were almost to his house.
"So, why can't you just get your stuff and come back with me?" I asked.
"Well...I just really kinda wanna stay here tonight." He said.
"Okay..." I said, in an obviously put-out voice.
"You can't be mad though."
"Why not?? I mean I drove all the way out here for like the past 4 days, I mean I know you can't drive, but is it too much to ask for you to at least try to meet me halfway??"
"Well, it's just that it's [Roommate's Girlfriend's] birthday, and everybody's coming over..."
"Ok then."
"Don't be mad..."
I didn't say anything. We were pulling into his parking lot. I was seething. I felt so used. So taken for granted. So much like I felt when I was with Daniel.
He took all his stuff out of my back seat and set it on the ground.
"You're not even gonna come in for a little bit?" He asked.
"I can't. I have to go get my dog."
"Well are you gonna at least give me a kiss?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm pissed off, and I don't kiss people that I'm pissed off at." I retorted.
"So??"
I stared straight ahead.
"Well I'm gonna kiss you then."
He leaned in to kiss me. I turned away. He sighed and stood up.
"Call me later?" He said, hopefully.
I just looked at him. Then he shut the door and I drove off.

I was just so...hurt. And frustrated, and angry and sad, and disappointed...
I mean why is it that I'm always doing all these things, and going way out of my way for guys and they never seem to appreciate it???
I cried a little, then got mad again, then cried some more on my drive home. I tried calling Melissa, but of course she didn't answer. It was 3:20am.
After I got home from picking up Oliver, I got a text.
"That was mean." He said.
I hadn't been planning to call him, text him, or anything. I was gonna let him make the first move. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon, and I was pissed that he was calling me mean.
"I'm not being mean. I'm fucking tired of feeling used. And I'm tired of always going out of my way and being taken for granted and this is what it always fucking comes to. For once it would be nice to meet a guy who actually puts me before himself. Usually when I get mad, it's cuz I've been hurt. This is no exception." I replied.
He immediately wrote back.
"Well I guess you don't like me then."
"Yea. That's exactly it. Take the easy way out." I said.
"I wasn't trying to get out."
"Then what ARE you trying to do?? Have you even thought about what you're saying? Or about how *I* might feel??" I demanded.
"I think you're making a big deal out of nothing."
OHHHHH no he did not. The ultimate dismissal. I couldn't stop myself.
I was so mad, at first all I said was, "Ok then."
But then the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say, so I wrote:
I came all the way down to the south side tonight, and yesterday, and the day before, just to see you. Because you can't drive. I could have stayed in Houston tonight. In fact, I WANTED to stay in Houston tonight! But I wanted to see you more, so I went. And I just wanted you to come to this thing with me tomorrow, but it's obviously not important to you. And you made me wait for you tonight, just so I could give you a ride home, and then you left me high and dry. Not only do I feel used, but I feel hurt, and passed over, and insignificant. You're right. No big deal. For someone with my past, it's easy to get unsettled in this shitty, and all too familiar situation."
He didn't write back. Ten minutes went by, then 15, then 20...still nothing. By this time I was laying in bed, second guessing everything, and over analyzing everything, like I always do.
Maybe he's just not that into me, I thought, I'm gonna call him and ask him! I'm not gonna continue to waste time and feelings on a guy if he's not even into me! I decided. Bad move. It's scary the things that alcohol and PMS can do to you. Of course, he didn't answer. And now I looked pathetic and desperate. I lie awake thinking about it for at least an hour before drifting into an uneasy sleep. I woke up 2 and a half hours later and called Melissa.
By this time, I was thinking clearly. Oh my god. I fucked it up. I'm such an idiot, was all I kept thinking. I did overreact. I was drunk. And upset. He struck a bad note, you know? Putting me in that situation again, and I went a little overboard. And I was majorly regretting it.
I told Melissa the whole story on the phone.
"You were probably mean to him in the car last night, weren't you?" She said, honestly, but teasingly.
"Yea...I was. I'm such a bitch! He tried to kiss me and I turned away."
Melissa laughed.
"Oh Peyton! I know you; you can be so mean to guys sometimes! Look. He's going to call you, don't worry. He really likes you. Just go back to sleep, get some rest, and he'll probably call you between 2 and 3. If he doesn't, well then you'll see him tonight at his show."
(He's playing at my work tonight.)
"Well yea, but what if he doesn't!?"
"He will! I promise." She said adamantly.
I sighed.
"Well what am I supposed to say if he does call?"
"You probably made him feel stupid last night, that's why he didn't respond to you. Just tell him you were hurt, upset, disappointed... Use words he understands. And just tell him you know you went overboard a little, but you just weren't in the right state of mind, you were kind of drunk... "
"Ok, and if he doesn't call? Am I just supposed to show up tonight?? I took today off ya know, I'm not gonna already be there."
"Ok, if he doesn't call you by 5, then call me and we'll talk about it."
"Ok." I resigned.

After we got off the phone, I stayed in bed for just a few more minutes before I got up to write.
I feel so horrible. I really like this guy, and as usual, I'm blowing it. I know how I am. I know I trust too easily, and fall too quickly, and demand too much too soon... I know! And I always say the wrong thing. I always scare them away. I just...didn't think he would scare so easily. I mean I told him from the beginning that I could be mean, and that he would probably like me less the more he got to know me. But he just laughed and said he was liking me more and more. ((sigh))

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't call me. I have to talk to him. I have to make this right. All while trying not to seem desperate. Ugh. If worse comes to worse I will have to go to his show and talk to him. I just really don't wanna be seen with him at my work, because of rumors, etc. Especially not if we're fighting about something. ((Sigh))

I don't even feel like going to the party anymore. I really wanted him to be there.

Way to fuck it up again, Peyton.

Phase I: Infatuation

Rusty.
I've spent this entire past week with him. It's like I can't get enough of him! And it all started with his show. I went to watch him play, and it was like he became this...this amazing, talented, superhot, smart guy, who I can't help but desire. But then off stage, he's goofy and dorky and kind of shy. And I love it!
He's stayed over here a couple times, and I've stayed with him a couple times. Our dogs love each other too, so that makes things easier.
He wrote this entire song yesterday! Music, lyrics and all, and recorded it and played it for me today and it was...beautiful! Amazing! Ridiculously impressive. And it's not like I'm hero worshipping him or anything, it's just that I have so much respect for him, as a fellow musician. I guess... and I like him!!
I mean he's sooooo nice! He's really sweet to me all the time, and he's always telling me he likes me. I mean, it's just everything! It's the way he looks at me. The way he kisses me on the cheek when we're out. The way he kisses me on the shoulder when we're laying on the couch, watching a movie. The way he likes to hold my hand. The way I always wanna be near him. The way when we're apart, all I think about is the next time I'm gonna see him. The way he sings. The way he makes me completely forget about everything when we're together. The way he always wears those silly black dress shoes with everything. Lol. ((Sigh))
And apparently he tells all his friends about me, because every time I meet one of them, they mention how much they've heard about me. And I almost feel bad, cuz I haven't really told anyone we've been hanging out. I mean, after all the forewarning, and all the stuff people have told me about him, I just feel stupid telling people that we're dating. I dunno why, it's dumb.
But anyways...
I'm just trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is something real. I mean it's all so sudden! And none of it makes sense really.
So, how do you ever know? Is it love? Or just infatuation?

First Dates!

So I got a text from JD around 5, asking if I would mind if we went out later than our originally planned 7:30. He got stuck at work or something. I told him that was fine, and I was actually kind of relieved too because I still felt exhausted and sore from Sunday. So I told him to just let me know when he was leaving work.
About 2 hours later, he texted me again, saying dinner probably wouldn't be an option because he didn't think he'd get out of work for at least a couple more hours. By this point, I was starting to think I might cancel. I mean, I was just so tired, and achy...ugh. Plus, I was starting to wonder if maybe he was trying to stand me up! But I decided f*ck it. I didn't really have anything to lose at that point. So he texted me again and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee, and I agreed.
So at 11 o'clock, I headed over to Starbucks. I texted him to tell him I was pulling in, and he told me he was waiting in line. I was really nervous to go inside. I sat in my car for a good 5 minutes, taking deep breaths and talking myself into being calm. Then I went inside.
I recognized him immediately from his pictures, but he was taller than I'd expected. Which is great! I mean, I'm 5'8", so tall guys are hard to come by for me. And he was cute! Hot even! He has dark hair, and dark eyes, and a nice body. Anyways, I walked right up to him and said hi. Then we sat down and just...talked! For 2 hours! We joked, and talked about our jobs, hobbies, pets, etc... Then around 1am, (this was a 24-hour Starbucks) he mentioned that he was gonna have to get up at 7am, so I told him I wouldn't keep him. We slowly made our way to the door, lingered outside for another few minutes, then he gave me a hug, and we went our separate ways.
When I got in the car, I argued with myself about sending him a text. I mean I don't wanna seem desperate, and I wanna follow the "rules" but I don't think this situation has been covered! I mean, our e-mails online were a lot more...personal it seems. But it WAS the first time we were meeting in person, and it's been a while since I've been on that dating website.
OMG.
RUSTY IS CALLING ME RIGHT NOW!

Ok I just got off the phone with him. Here's the gyst:
"Hello?"
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Omg! I was starting to think your phone only had text messaging capabilities."
"Sorry, it's been a crazy night, I would have called you earlier..."
"It's ok, I was only teasing you."
"Well what are you doing? You should come hang out?"

Omg, it's gonna take me too long to type this all out, so I'm just gonna get to the point.
He wants me to go hang out. I haven't told him yes yet, but I'm going to. What the hell?!?
I'm meeting him at some place where he plays sometimes.
I'll write more tomorrow! Wow, 2 dates in 2 days!!

WISH ME LUCK!

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"Ok."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.
LMAO.

The Return Of The Ex...

Well I just got back from Austin yesterday. The trip was short and sweet, but much needed. It was like a mini high school reunion. Me, Rikki, Izzie, Shane and Megan had 2 wonderful girls' nights.
This entire week has been kinda up and down though. On Thursday afternoon, my mom called me while I was still in Austin. She told me might have breast cancer. ((sigh)) I totally freaked out. I mean I know breast cancer is generally curable and not that serious, but I just never thought it would happen to my mom. Ya know? So I was really upset and crying in the middle of a department store ((ugh...)) and thought I might go home early. But my girls cheered me up, and begged me to stay, so I did. And I'm glad I did.
We went out to 6th St on Thursday night, and had a blast. Izzie and Megan's husbands stayed at the apartment and played Wii, so it was just us girls. I even met a guy! He approached me, talked to me, acted interested, and asked for my number. But I'm learning not to count my chickens before they hatch, so I'm not gonna say anything else about him right now. Except that he did text me last night asking me if I had fun. I told him yes, and that I wished I could have stayed in Austin longer.

So, in other news, my ex is in town. The Psycho.
He called me Tuesday.
He's deploying at the beginning of September, so he got some leave time.
((sigh))
Anyways, I was talking to him, politely, asking him how he was doing, etc... And he said he wanted to hang out. Well I had just gotten off work, and it was 12:30 am, so I told him I probably wasn't gonna go anywhere, since I was leaving for Austin the next day.
"Well I'll just stop by and see you later then." He said.
"Later? What do you mean by later??" I asked.
"I dunno, like 3:30 or something."
"What makes you think I'm gonna let you into my apartment at 3:30 in the morning!?" I asked, incredulous.
"Because it's me! And you better be wearing some sexy lingerie too. I know you got some."
I could hear 2 other guys talking in the background. It sounded like he was in the car.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?" I half-shrieked.
"What happened?" He asked, assuming that wasn't meant for him.
"I'm talking to you!" I yelled.
At this point, the conversation went very downhill, and he went on off one of his usual tangents of cusswords and insults. He told me I was an arrogant bitch, and I should go fuck myself, and all this other shit...
I was just sitting there, almost amused really, shaking my head in disbelief.
And I said in a very calm voice, just loud enough for him to hear over his yelling, "You are exactly the same petulant, selfish, immature, dick that you were when we were dating. And you know what? We're not together anymore, so I don't have to put up with your shit. So now, I'm gonna hang up on you, and you're just gonna have to deal with it."
((click))
I sat there for a minute, still trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Had I just had a good old fashioned argument with my ex??
It was like a really twisted sense of de ja vu. Because in the past, I would have gotten really upset, and hurt, and done whatever I could to make him not be mad at me. But this time, I just didn't give a flying fuck! It was awesome. And the best part about it was, I know how he operates. And I know I ruined his entire night. Haha. He probably got all pissed off and stewed in his anger for the rest of the night. Because that is so like him!
So I'm definitely not going to be seeing The Psycho. At least I hope not...

((sigh))

Speaking of exes, Melissa saw Daniel on Thursday leaving the movie theater. He was with Delilah, and some "fugly" girl and another kid. Melissa may have just told me she was ugly to make me feel better, but judging by the other Peyton he dated, I wouldn't be surprised. What I am surprised about, however, is that I haven't run into him yet! But that's definitely a good thing. I'm still not sure I'm ready for that. I still miss him, but I'm doing a lot better. And like they say in He's Just Not That Into You, "It's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.'"
And I am so on that!

Anyway, last night after work, Bethany and I went to IHOP, just the 2 of us, and we sat there for a while, talking. Then my phone beeps. I have a text message. At 4 in the morning!
I looked in my inbox, and saw that it was from a number I didn't recognize.
Well, well, well...
Rusty.
"Hey, you still stayin' up late? -Rusty"
I didn't respond right away, cuz Bethany and I were in the middle of a conversation, but I wrote him back 15 minutes later on my way home.
"I sure am. And apparently you are as well..."
Sixteen minutes later, he responds. How typical. Lol.
"Yea I had a gig tonight. What are you doin'?"
I waited another 16 minutes. Haha.
"Just got home from work and IHOP a little bit ago. Now I'm reading a book in bed. You?"
He responded right away to this one.
"I just got home too. Just telling my roommate about the night."
"So where'd you play at?"
"It's called The Depot. Then we went to a really southern after party."
"Lol nice. Were there people in overalls?"
"Not quite, but it wouldn't have surprised me."
"Ha. Well sounds like had an interesting night. I'm going to sleep now finally. Busy day tomorrow, goodnight."
I wanted to be the one to end the conversation, because I didn't wanna see to eager. Plus I was getting really tired.
And he really needs to just call me. No more texting.

So I finally picked out my dog! He's a goldendoodle, SO adorable! When I get him, I'll post pictures! I can't wait. And don't worry, I know how much responsibility a dog is. I did have a horse, remember?? Puppies are like children. I mean, would you leave your infant home alone? No.
So I definitely have some sitters lined up for when necessary; and as long as he's little, I plan on taking him everywhere! And there's this really awesome dog park right down the street.
Oh! And I'm going to call him Oliver. :)
After Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. Hehe.
He arrives from Indiana in the beginning of September! :) :) :)

Incoherent Rambling...

Omg, I'm taking defensive driving right now and I'm sooooooooo bored!!!
I've been shopping online for puppies the whole time. Lol. And the exciting thing is, I found one that I want!!! Only problem is, he's in Idaho or something, and he'll have to be flown to me, which will end up costing an extra 300 bucks. But I've already fallen in love with him and I can't wait!!
Rusty finally asked for my number, and I gave it to him. Now I just have to wait and see if he calls. If he doesn't, I guess he's not that interested. Meh.
I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and it's definitely an eye-opener. I've been meaning to read it for a while now, and Melissa just loaned it to me. Anyone out there who hasn't read it, GO BUY IT!!

Finally, the drama with John and I is starting to die out in the work gossip circle. I guess it takes a week and half for that stuff to go away. I still haven't even seen John since that night at IHOP.
Man...IHOP sounds so good right now. I'm starving.
Brb.
Ok, I'm heating up some pita bread right now. Pita bread with hummus is delicious.

Anyways, I can't believe I have to spend my whole day sitting here listening to the background noise of a defensive driving video. Ugh.

So, I think I'm going to email Alyssa and confront her about her crappyfriend disorder. We had plans to hang out Sunday night and she just totally flaked out on me! I tried calling, texting...no response whatsoever. The least she could have done is just let me know she wasn't gonna make it so I could have made other plans! I saw her at work last night, and of course she was all smiles like nothing was wrong. Obviously she doesn't know`that her convenience-only friendship is bothering me. So I need to tell her. I just don't wanna sound bitchy, or like I'm attacking her. I just want her to know. I need friends I can depend on. I mean, if you can't depend on your friends, then what do you have?? Nothing.
((sigh))
I'm just tired of making excuses for people, just because they have boyfriends, or they're busy a lot, or whatever. If you're friends with someone, and you care about them, then you're not going to be a shitty friend. The End.

Food's ready! I'm gonna eat now. I'll try to make my next post more interesting.

Update Continued...

Omg, Rusty sent me a myspace message today!
He said he tried requesting me, but I require a last name, so he couldn't. Haha. My plan totally worked!! We've been messaging back and forth for a while now. :)
Anyways, I need to finish updating you all on my week. I haven't seen or spoken to John since Wednesday night. Bethany and I drove up to our old college town on Thursday. We both went to the same school, but we didn't know each other when we were there. Weird, huh? But anyways, our trip wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We felt old, and out of place. Everyone there is just so...different. I mean they're all at a different place in their lives, ya know?? And I've already moved on from that part of my life so it's just not fun anymore. Not the way I remembered it. But I mean, we did have fun. Just...not what we were expecting. We crashed in a hotel after a night of bar hopping. Then we drove back the next day cuz we both had to work.
Saturday night I requested off because I WENT TO THE JOURNEY CONCERT!!!! It was amazing!! My Dad got tickets right when they went on sale, and decided to take ME!! Our seats were really good too! Like, tenth row back. Great view. Their new singer sounds so much like Steve Perry, it's insane!
So anyways, I stayed at my parents' house that night since I rode with my dad. Then I went to church with them the next morning. After church we went out to lunch with Todd's family. He's in town till tomorrow. Him and his girlfriend are back together. :/
I don't think I'll ever get a chance with Todd, no matter how much I think about it, and wish for it. ((sigh))
Anyways, last night was the night I finally organized my apartment. I threw out all the empty boxes. Mondays are trash days, luckily, so when I set out my trash it ended up being like a 6-feet high tower!! I felt so bad, I left a note for the trash guys. Lol.
This morning, I got up, swam my laps, and then got ready to go my Aunt Suzanne's house in Spring. My Aunt Jessica, Uncle David, Noelle, and Maddox were in town. If you can't remember these people, see my post titled The Peyton Family Tree. Anyway, they're my cousins. So I went up to see them, since they live in Louisiana and we hardly ever get to see each other!
So, remember The Frenchman?? The guy my Aunt Jessica wanted to set me up with? Well, apparently he's not completely out of the picture! Aunt Jessica told me today that she told his mom about me! Lol. And they have this plan to get us to meet. He has to take his nephew down to Houston for something, and they're gonna come to the zoo, and I'm supposed to give them a tour. Lol. I'm sure he has no idea about any of this. But I'm down! It was so funny listening to my aunt talk about how hot he is.
Also, my Aunt Suzanne is finally getting remarried this November, right after Thanksgiving. So Jessica thinks he should be my wedding date. I told her I'd much rather it be an official, out in the open fix-up, than an awkward "accidental" meeting, where we both know what's really going on, but neither of us feels comfortable talking about it. You know what I mean?? I'd rather just go all out. What's the worst that could happen??
My step-cousin, Holly, (Aunt Suzanne's step daughter from her ex-husband's previous marriage) was at the table with us when we were talking about this, and she was saying she wants to go out with him! Ugh. That's all I need is competition. But I made it very clear to her that I had first dibs!
Anyways, overall, I had a nice, fun, relaxing day with my family. I really needed that. Because this week is hell week for me. I'm working 5 shifts, all closing, all consecutive, starting today. It's going to suck.
But hey, I've got bills to pay!
And on August 6th I'm going to Austin, because Rikki is gonna be in town from Washington State!!! I haven't seen her since Megan's wedding! It's gonna be so much fun. And nice to be around my truest friends. Ahhhh...

I'm Still Here!

Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy with moving. Finally, just last night, I got my apartment clean, and looking like someone actually lives here! And just that in itself has alleviated so much stress! I'm sitting comfortably on my couch right now, watching season two of The Office. I just started watching it, and it's pretty freakin' hilarious so far! I LOVE living by myself! It's so liberating, so relaxing, so...AMAZING! Seriously, I just haven't been this happy about anything in a while.
As for Daniel, I'm slowly starting to heal. I can actually go almost a whole day without thinking about him now. And I don't flinch when he pops into my head, or when I hear his name anymore. So...it's starting to get easier, I guess. I haven't seen him at all either so...that probably helps.
Anyways, I have a lot to update you guys on, so I better get started!

Ok, so last Tuesday there was this huge industry party hosted by Red Bull. It was free alcohol and stuff, and only bartenders/bar industry peeps could go, because Red Bull handed out limited passes. So anyways, most of my coworkers were there, and we all got realllllly smashed! I ended up drinking, then going out to the car with Misty and Bethany to smoke, then drinking some more, so I was feeling pretty good.
So, after we came back inside from smoking, John walked up and started talking to me. He was pretty drunk too, and when he gets drunk, he's like...a different person. Literally. Normally he's very composed, and reserved, and calm. When he drinks, it's the complete opposite!
So we're talking, I can't remember about what, and then he says, "Hey could you hold this for me, cuz I think I might drop it."
He was referring to his drink. I had my drink and purse in my left hand, but I took his drink in my right, and gave him a confused look.
"Okaayyy..." I said.
Then he grabs my face in both of his hands and starts kissing me! I was so shocked, I didn't really know how to react! I mean, I froze! And all these emotions were going through my head! Surprise, relief, exhilaration, embarrassment, amusement, anger... I was surprised first, then excited that it was really happening, then embarrassed that everyone was watching, then I kind of wanted to laugh, and then I'd had enough, but he wouldn't let me go when I tried pushing him off me, so I got kinda mad. Lol. And he still wouldn't let go of me! It was like he had me in a vice! And to top it all off, all my coworkers were watching, whooping, and taking pictures!! Then Mr. P. walks up, puts his arms around us both and starts singing... Oh my god, it was horrible. But we were both pretty drunk, and apparently it happened more than once.
Because it was all I heard about for the next week.
The next day, I woke up not knowing what to think. I mean John was really hammered, and towards the end of the night, he was so drunk it was getting obnoxious. I mean he threw an empty beer bottle down Mr. S.'s stairs and then passed out on the kitchen counter. Seriously. Kind of a turnoff. ((sigh))
Oh, and this was after he told me he loved me.
YEA.

Ok so, I had some mixed emotions about it. Mostly because I just didn't want it to happen that way, you know?? I don't like drunk John. I like sober John. ((sigh))
Well I had to go to work Wednesday, and I was dreading all the humiliation I was gonna have to put up with. And Mark of course never let me hear the end of it. Neither did Mr. P., Mr. S. or anyone else that saw for that matter. Which was, apparently, a lot of people. ((sigh)) But oh well. It has to blow over sometime.
Well that night at work, we had a new band play. Not really a band actually, an acoustic act. Just 2 guys and 2 guitars. And one of them was really hot. I mean, the singing, guitar-playing thing is always sexy, but aside from that? HOT. So I got off around 11, and I stayed to have a couple drinks with a couple of the door guys, and Johnny, our regular acoustic guitar guy on Saturdays. And of course, John shows up. It was awkward. That goes without saying.
Well, during one of the band's set breaks, Mr. Rockstar himself approaches our little group. Apparently him and Johnny go way back. He wasn't really hanging out with everyone though, just Johnny, but I kept catching him staring at me. Not even just then, but before, from across the room. But I figured it was probably because I was staring at him. Lol. You know how you can just feel someone looking at you??
So anyways, when they went back up to play, Johnny came up to the bar and sat down next to me.
"Rusty was asking me about you." He said.
"Rusty?"
"Yea, the guy in the band. He was like, 'Who's that? She's hot.'" He replied.
"Really??" I said, trying not to sound too eager, "Well what did you tell him??"
"I told him you were a cool chick, really awesome at piano. He loves piano! He tries to play, but he's not very good. He's way better at guitar. Then I asked him if he wanted me to introduce you, but he said no, cuz that would be too obvious."
"Well did you tell him that I'm single?!" I asked, eyes wide.
"Why? Do you like him?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I don't know! I don't even know him. But I'm definitely interested..." I smirked as I started to think about the possibilities.
"Well you should get to know him. He's a cool guy. I've known him for years. We should all hang out sometime!" He suggested.
"Ok, yea. That sounds good."
"Ok, well we'll talk about it when we get to IHOP later." Johnny said.
"What?! We can't talk about it then! Not in front of...people." I hissed.
"What? Ohhhhh... You mean John? He already knows."
"Huh?? Knows what!?" I started to panic.
"Well, he was standing right there when Rusty came up and asked me about you."
"Oh." More like Oh shit was what I was thinking in my head. But it's just as well.
So the next set break they took, I walked up to a group of them standing around and Rusty said, "Who's this?"
"Oh! This is Peyton. Peyton, Rusty." Johnny introduced us, and we shook hands.
I blushed.
I invited him to go to IHOP with us, but he rode with his bandmate, so he had to pass.
But when I got home that night, I friend requested their band on myspace. Not him personally, but the band! Pretty smooth, huh?

Anyways, that's not all the boy drama for Wednesday night. There's more!
When we were getting ready to leave for IHOP John asked to ride with me.
"What? Why? That doesn't make any sense! I live right by IHOP now, and you live in the other direction." I pointed out.
"Yea but...I was hoping to stay at your place tonight..."
I cut him off.
"WHAT!?"
"Well, it's just that my power went out earlier. There was some kind of electrical explosion." He explained.
"Hmmm... Well...just take your own car anyways. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I have a lot of shit to do. We'll talk about it at IHOP."
I wasn't lying about the out of town thing. Bethany and I planned a trip to our old college town just for Thursday night because we both happened to be off. But I really just wasn't comfortable with the idea of John staying over!
1) My apartment was still not in shape for company. I mean, boxes everywhere, laundry strewn about, shit just...in really random places and all unorganized....
2) I was mildly disgusted with John from the night before, and mildly disgusted with myself for letting it happen, and then after hearing about it all freaking day, I just...didn't wanna think about it anymore. About HIM anymore. Know what I mean??
Plus, I wasn't sure what exactly he was assuming about us, or about anything really. Not that I thought he wanted to come over with the intentions of sleeping with me or anything! He told me he'd sleep on the couch but still! I just felt weird about it. And that's never a good situation to be in. So I decided I was gonna have to tell him no.
So we went to IHOP. Me, John, Bethany and Mark. We ate, they made fun of me some more, I got pissed, then it was time to go.
"So are you gonna let me make use of your couch tonight?" John asked as I was getting into my car.
"How do you know your power is even still out?" I asked.
"Because it was still out when I left! And it's 4 am on a Wednesday, I doubt they're going to fix it till tomorrow."
I sighed. "This is just really not a good time for me to be having anyone spend the night!"
"I let you crash at my place twice." He argued.
"WHAT!? I can't believe you're using that against me! That was totally different! I had to drive you home, because you were practically incapacitated drunk! And then I was going to have to drive another 30 minutes just to get to my house! And you asked me to stay!"
He huffed and started to protest.
"Well now the answer is definitely no, because I'm mad at you!" I said.
"Alright then. Fair enough." He said, and walked off.
I slammed my door shut and left. I still can't believe the audacity of him. UGh...

Well, I think I'm going to end with that, because this post is ridiculously long. I'll finish up with the rest of the drama tomorrow!