Monday, September 8, 2008

I Told You So

Go ahead and say it.
I broke things off with Rusty tonight. I just couldn't handle it. Him treating me like shit, and using me, and just...not being that into me, I guess you could say. And while I may sound so candid and to the point about this in my writing, I've completely broken down, and I can barely see the computer screen through my tears.
When will I ever get this right??
When will I ever find someone who will just make me happy?
I'm not just upset about Rusty. I'm upset because I saw the good in him. The good that other people refused to see. The talent, the potential, the goodness in his heart. But it is still going to waste, and I'm still a failure, because no matter how much good I may see in people, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to use that goodness on me. I'm still going to get stepped on, used, and shit on by these guys. And I'm always going to be the one with the broken heart.
I just can't take this right now. My mom is getting steadily worse. Every time I talk to her, she sounds more worried, more upset... She's been in a lot of pain, and there's nothing I can do. She even has my dad all upset. Apparently she keeps talking to him about his "future wife". She says she wants us all to "be prepared".
My life is getting steadily worse... I'm just... I wish I could just not care about anything.


Anonymous said...

you're exactly right. just because you see the goodness, or the potential of goodness in someone, that doesnt mean they will treat you accordingly. look for someone who DOES treat you well already, and IS good already. hang in there. at least you were smart/strong enough this time to realize that he wasn't good for you, and you broke it off.

good luck with your mom.

Anonymous said...

Oh girl, quit being so hard on yourself. You remind me of myself, in the sense that you never see how good you are and what you deserve, so instead you take on the caregiver role, trying to save everyboy you date from himself. By the time I realized this, at 23, I met an awesome buy only a few months later who treated ME the way I always treated other people. We were, and are, equals and thats what makes it so nice. I know its easier said than done, but I've done it, and I promise the changed perspective will bring about wonders to your life.

I'm sorry about your mom! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I know this sounds cliche but things will get better. I was married to a guy who treated me like crap after our divorce I wasn't interested in getting into another relationship but I somehow ended up in one even though I wasn't looking and I found a wonderful guy. Think of it this way while you are dating all these jerks your learning exactly what you don't want.