A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

Just Friends?

So yesterday, after work, my plan was to go home and put on my PJ's, and curl up on the couch, which I did. Melissa had been trying to convince me to meet her and some friends out at my bar to watch the championship game, but I was really tired, so I told her I was gonna have to pass. But then she texted me at 7:15, saying I needed to get up to there RIGHT NOW because Law School was there, sitting at their table. Mutual friends or something like that. Soooo... I went up there, against my better judgement. But of course, I acted like I didn't expect him to be there, and he did sneak up on me, so my surprise was actually pretty genuine.
So me and Law School hung out a little bit, and it was all cool, but then he kept talking to Melissa! And maybe I was just being paranoid, cuz he is extremely friendly, and he wasn't flirting with her or anything, but when I went to the bathroom and came back, he was talking to her. And then I got really upset, which I guess she could see in my face cuz she asked me about it.
And I said, "Well it looks like Law School is more interested in you than he is in me."
"WHAT!? He is not, he was asking me about you!" she said.
"What was he asking??" I said, suddenly intrigued.
"He asked me what you'd told me about him, and I just said I dunno, I heard you mention his name once or twice, and it was nice to put a face with them name. And then he asked me what I thought about you, and I told him I love you, and you're awesome, and funny, and like the smartest person I know, and you're my best friend!"
I inwardly sighed with relief, but still, I'm not necessarily sure all of that is 100% true. I mean, Melissa may have just been trying to make me feel better.
But anyways, she ended up leaving before I did, which left Law School and I alone (not counting the thousands of people in the bar) to talk for a minute. He asked what I was doing this weekend and I told him I was off Saturday night. Then he said he wasn't sure what he was gonna do yet, but to "give him a buzz".
And ok, I am so NOT going to "give him a buzz"! I already told him I was gonna be out Saturday; he can call me! Why does it always have to be my job to contact him??
I just still can't figure out how to read him. It's like...he's kind of touchy/feely/huggy with everyone, even guys! And he's realllllly outgoing with everyone, so I can't tell if his attentions are anything special.
Melissa thinks I should just ask him, but I told her I don't wanna seem desperate. ((Sigh)) I just don't know what to do. I mean, judging by his words alone, he seems genuinely interested, but judging by his actions alone, he seems genuinely not interested.And actions speak louder than words, right? So I'm just gonna assume he doesn't want anything more than a friendship, and hope things go back to normal. It kinda sucks, but the sting of rejection will wear off soon, it's not like we were ever together or anything. And I'll just try to keep myself occupied in other ways. Like, say...Gavin. Haha. I will most likely be seeing him at work tonight, and since I'm off tomorrow, maybe he and I will finally get that drink after hours...

Water Under The Bridge

I appreciate everyone's advice and insight about Cali, but really...it's all just water under the bridge now. If you all remember, we never really had that spark anyways. I don't hate him for not telling me, it just kind of makes me second guess myself, because I knew there had to be something he wasn't telling me! The signs were there. You know, whenever I would ask him questions about his life, he would always turn the conversation around, and deflect my questions back to me. And I always felt like he knew so much more about me, than I knew about him. And that's just not fair. Plus, it just didn't seem feasible that an attractive 31-year old guy with a good job could still be on the market. So I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass for not thinking about that stuff. Oh, and let's not forget, I have dated a guy with a kid before, (Daniel!) and I was totally ok with it. Because I knew about her, going into the relationship.

But really, it doesn't matter, because Cali and I both agreed that things weren't really lifting off. He did send me a couple drunk text messages on New Year's Eve. They just said things like, "i'm soreryr Peyton. im an asshloe." I had to tell him to stop texting me. That was another thing that bothered me. His drinking habits/drunk text messaging. So juvenile! But whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe Cali and I can be friends later down the line, but you have to understand how this makes me feel, because...here I was spending all this time with this guy, against my gut instinct, trying to give him a chance and spilling my guts to him and...I totally put myself out there, and he didn't at all. That just...wasn't fair to me. So for now, I don't foresee us talking any time soon.

Last night at work was decent. It was the old crew working! Brandon was out of town (yay!) so I didn't have to work with him, and most of the newer bartenders were off. So we were kickin' it old school last night, and it was lots of fun. Ali and I got a little tipsy while doing inventory. Lol. And something I haven't mentioned yet... Gavin and I have been having some interesting text message conversations lately. Very flirtatious, very...enticing. Hehe. I anticipate a tryst finally culminating after years of sexual tension and bad timing. Lol.

The thing I've always liked about Gavin is that he's so humble. He's hot, but completely unaware of that, and he's funny, and very down to earth. And ever since we both got dumped, at about the same time, we've sort of bonded through our commiseration. Lol. So...I am interested to see where this is headed. Definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but maybe just a little fun.

Law School is coming home today too. I wonder if I'll hear from him? I'm supposed to hang out with Greg today. We both have off work, but right now I'm just sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Todd's football game. I really miss Todd! Now that he's pseudo-famous and he's always so busy, we hardly ever get to talk anymore. Sucks... I talk to his little bro more than him now!

Well I made a sketch in Photoshop of my New Year's Eve dress! I got a pen touch pad for Christmas and it's awesome! So I just sketched this over an actual picture. Tell me what you think!

The Clincher

Well...the date with Cali last night didn't go exactly as I'd hoped. Well, the date itself was fine, but I was hoping it would reassure me about New Year's Eve. But it did just the opposite. And I was up all night panicking, and worrying, and second-guessing myself. So I consulted The Oracle of Izzie this morning about my dilemma, and she suggested I just tell him the truth. That he's nice, and I enjoy his company, but I'm just not...feeling it!
So I waited for him to write me an email, which he did, and then I responded in kind...

Ok, I’ve been mulling this over in my head for the past 12+ hours, and arguing with myself about it. And I know we haven’t had any conversations about this or anything, and I’m not exactly sure what your expectations are, but I really feel like I just need to be up front with you, because I don’t want to mislead you. I like you, and I think you’re a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what I think you’re looking for, and I don’t want to lead you on. I just… feel like I'm not really ready to date anyone. And that’s the God’s honest truth. I just can’t keep seeing you without letting you know how I feel. I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that I got out of a serious relationship, and right now, the idea of being with someone just kind of freaks me out. Sorry, if that sounds bad, but…I don’t really know how else to put it. I thought that I was ready to date, but I guess I’m just not. Please don't think I went into this with false intentions. I was trying to take things slowly in hopes that something would jump out at me but it still hasn’t, and I wanted to let you know. I know this is horrible timing and I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to take it any further without being honest with you. If you decide you want to make other plans for new year’s eve, I totally understand, and I won’t be mad or anything. It’s completely up to you.

I sent him that from my work email address, and then forwarded it Izzie, from my private account. When I went back to my private account, I noticed I had a message from Cali, received at almost the exact time I sent him mine! This is what it said:

Peyton,

I just called your cell, but no answer.

I had a good time last night, but I get that feeling we're still testing the waters in terms of where this will go…friends, more than friends, etc.? At least that's how I feel. My point is, if you're not feeling it, and would rather just spend NYE with your friends, I certainly understand. There will be plenty of other times we can hang out and see if there's something there between us;

Let me know...

Apparently, we both had the same thing on our brains, which was kind of a relief. So I wrote him back:

Lol, wow what are the odds. Sorry, I went downstairs with a coworker to let the pizza guy in, and then we were all eating, so I just saw that you called, read your emails, etc… If you call me when I’m still at work, I won’t be able to talk, because there is absolutely no privacy in this office. Lol. But I’m leaving at 4 for sure. As for New Years, you’re still more than welcome to come with us. I mean, it’s gonna be a lot of fun, but if you would rather do something with YOUR friends, that’s totally understandable. I mean, I know you don’t really know any of my friends, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to come. So it’s completely up to you.

Now, here's the clincher. I sat and waited for an hour, for him to return from lunch, wondering if he would still be accompanying me tomorrow or not. Then finally, around 2pm, I got his response...

Hey Peyton,

This is too funny. Both thinking and writing the same thing at the same time! Here are my thoughts: there was an initial attraction, well, let me speak for myself, I know I was definitely attracted to you (and still am - I think you're a beautiful girl). However, it felt like we couldn't get past that point...we never left the starting gate so to speak. It feels like we've been trying to make something work, instead of it just happening, like it should. I don't know, maybe it was the lack of communication, in terms of where this was headed and what each of us expected out of it. I just got out of a serious relationship too. Actually, to be more precise, I was married. That ended about 6 months ago. She moved back to California and I stayed here in Texas - long sad story behind that one. So I'm not looking to jump back into a long term relationship either. I'm still picking up the pieces, doing some self reflection, trying to figure things out, etc. I was certainly going to tell you all this, but it just never felt like the time was right; hopefully that doesn't upset you.
As for new years, I think I'm either going to go to Austin with one of my friends or just hang here with some friends. I'm sure I'd have a great time with you, but it would just be a little weird - if you know what I mean. I really do hope we can stay friends, and I'm very sincere about that. I'm still relatively new to this town, and my friends are mostly limited to the people I work with. Your emails crack me up and I think we've always been able to click in that regard. Which is why I don't understand why we couldn't get off the ground in person? Anyway, I have some cute friends, and perhaps one day when you're ready for a relationship I can introduce you to one of them! ;-) Let's keep in touch, ok? Happy new year Peyton!

WTF?!?! MARRIED?!?! How could he just not tell me something like that!! As soon as I read that, all the blood rushed to my face. I felt like hyperventilating, or crying, or shouting. I felt REALLY REALLY WEIRD. I felt betrayed. I felt like all the opinions I'd formed about him, everything I thought I knew about him, was based on something that was a total lie! Now I'm not sure I ever wanna talk to him again! It's like he just revealed to me that he secretly works for the FBI and his real name is Bob Flannigan!
And it's not that I'm mad that he was married; I'm mad that he didn't tell me. I mean, that's not something you should keep from someone you're dating, even if it is casual. Because eventually, when it becomes serious, it just gets harder and harder to tell that person, and easier and easier to avoid the subject. And ultimately, people end up getting hurt. BAD IDEA. I'm ALWAYS honest with people up front. God, I wonder if he has any kids!! I haven't written him back, and I'm not sure I'm going to. ((Sigh)) I dunno what I'm gonna do.
All I know is, I'm flying solo on New Year's Eve this year.

Finally Getting Somewhere

I took the job!

I start Wednesday.

As for everything else...I'm going down to 2 nights a week bartending. Just Friday and Saturday. And Brandon and I are...just friends. Really, actually, just friends. I really don't expect anything, other than friendship. And even though sometimes, I find myself hoping that maybe something could come from us being friends, I'm trying to let it go, and just...move on. And surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. I still have my breakdown moments, and it's a little weird at work, because I find myself slipping into my old habits of just...completely ignoring him. But then he walks up and starts talking to me, and I have to remind myself that it's ok! ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm moving on with my life. This new job should be a nice change of pace, and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

Can't Move Forward

I saw him last night. I went home, and I cried. It was pouring down rain. REalllly hard. Then he texted me. Said it was "good to see me" even though I "want nothing to do with him".

We ended up talking on the phone. Till like 6:30am. He said he wants to be friends. And that he still cares about me. He told me he's sorry for everything he said to me that hurt my feelings. Oh, and he's fucking some new girl. And he doesn't want to get back together. He made sure to tell me that wasn't the purpose of his phone call.

I cried myself to sleep. Woke up around 2pm. Cried some more. Went back to sleep. I finally got up at 7pm. Figure I should start getting ready for work soon. I don't wanna be around anyone. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna see anyone. I just wanna stay in bed. Forever.

Strange Surprises

So there's this guy, Ray, that I went to high school with. I never knew him in high school, but he and Melissa are friends. So a while back, he Facebooked me, and I accepted him. Ever since I accepted his friend request, I've noticed that he frequently comments on my status, notes, etc. Especially when things were not going so well with Brandon and I. He's always telling me he's "there for me if I need anything", and all this other kinda stuff.
And I mentioned it to Melissa, and she just said that he's a super nice guy, not a creeper or anything.

Well today, my FB status said, "I give up." I left my computer idle for a while, and when I went back to it, I noticed I had a new message from Ray. It said,
"I really hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you check your email."

So I checked my email...
He sent me a $75 gift card to Massage Envy!
I was so shocked. I mean...this guy is practically a stranger. We've never actually officially met! And he's spending $75 on me!?!?
I thanked him profusely, and told him that he really didn't have to do that. He said,
"I know, but it's not about what I have to do. It's just what I wanted to do."
Then he went on to tell me that he just feels fortunate in life, and he likes to...make other people feel good, or something like that. I dunno what to make of this guy. I immediately texted Melissa and asked her if she knew he was planning on doing that. She admitted that she did know, and that she was the one who gave him my email address.
"He loves you!" She said.
Me: WHY??? We've never even officially MET!
Melissa: Idk. Hahaha just take it and run. Honestly, you deserve to be pampered.
Me: What??? That's crazy! I mean, I thanked him and everything, but I almost feel guilty.
Melissa: Don't. You deserve it! He's so nice.
Me: Well...I don't get it. I mean we're practically strangers and he's buying me things.
Melissa: So! He's an admirer :) There's nothing wrong with that.

((Sigh)) I ended up chatting with him online for about an hour, just about all kinds of things. He was telling about how he went out wakeboarding this weekend, and that I should come along next time. And then we started talking about horses, and of course his family has loads of those too, and he said if I ever wanted to come and ride, I was welcome.
I dunno why I'm so skeptical, it's just...not normal for a guy to be so nice. Not to someone he hardly knows. I wish I was attracted to him! Maybe then I wouldn't think this was so weird, or feel guilty about taking his gifts. But, I guess I can't really say for sure if I'm attracted to him or not, since I can't really remember what he looks like, and I'm only judging from the 4 photos he has up on his profile. Maybe he's better looking in person?
I dunno, either way. He's really sweet for doing that for me, but even if he is Prince Charming, there's no way I'm getting involved with anyone for a long time.

Sunday... ((Sigh))

It's Sunday. Normally I would be out with Bethany and/or Misty, and some other coworkers, eating and drinking the night away. Last week, Brandon and I went out to dinner and a movie.
((Sigh))
Today, I'm sitting in my living room, in the dark, watching CSI reruns. I've had a headache for 3 days now. It never goes away.

I've noticed that everyone seems keen on me going for Law School. But let's get something straight. He's a great guy and all, and I'm not denying that I've thought about it before but...
1) I'm SO not ready to even start thinking about other guys.
2) Law School and I are just friends. And I'm pretty sure I want it to stay that way.

I just don't....find myself being sexually attracted to him, or thinking of him as anything but a friend. I have missed him though, since the breakup. He's out of town for 2 weeks, visiting family. I could sure use his advice and optimism right about now.

Melissa texts me every day to see how I'm doing. I know she's just trying to help, but she just makes me feel worse. She keeps saying things like, "I saw how he was flirting with those girls at the bar, you're better off!"
I mean, why would I wanna know that anyone, other than myself, had noticed Brandon flirting with girls at work?
Maybe she's just trying to make me hate him, I dunno. I wish I could hate him.
I wish I could eat. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could get rid of this headache...

Karma

So when I got to work Thursday night, the first thing I heard was that Kate was a no-call, no-show on Wednesday. LMAO. I can't help but feel a little responsible for this. And a little giddy. I knew she wouldn't last.
The past 2 nights were decent, but considering how broke I am, the money still isn't enough! For some reason, I've only been getting 3-4 shifts a week since I got back from Europe. I may have to bring this up with Mr. S... Well, there's still tonight, I suppose.
And Monday, is the boat party!! I can't wait! It's gonna be so much fun.
In the meantime, I have tomorrow off, and Law School and I have tentative plans. I've decided that since Brandon has been so adamant about me not chasing him, I'm determined have my own life and my own friends, even if they're guys. And I've already talked to Law School about the whole "Can guys and girls have completely platonic relationships?" and he said, "Absolutely!"
So I don't have to worry about him expecting anything else. We just get along really well, and we have a lot of common interests. He's like one of those people that you meet, and feel like you've known for years. So conversation flows easily, and it's never awkward. So we may hang out tomorrow night, but his bar exam is next week, so who knows! He may just study all day like he has been for the past week. We'll see...

Well, I guess I don't really have much else to blog about as of right now. I'll try to post again Monday night or Tuesday!

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven

New York: Part III

I did a double take when I realized Evan was lying next to me in our too-small bed.
"What the hell, Evan!?"
"SORRY! I knew you were gonna be mad! I just didn't wanna wake you up last night!"
"Well why aren't you in your own bed!?"
"Because there weren't enough blankets for 3 beds, and they needed covers for the air mattress, and I was cold, so I just...got in bed with you! I'm sorry!"
I rolled my eyes and shoved him over the edge of the bed. Evan mumbled something unintelligible as I sat up and realized 2 things:
1) I was still in my clothes from the night before, and
2) I was incredibly hungover!
I could already tell it was going to be a long day...
Shane and Dr. New York began to stir in their bed, no doubt the shouting between Evan and I had awaken them. I was already on my way to the shower when they were getting up. After I cleaned up, we packed up everything, loaded it into Dr. New York's car and checked out of the hotel.
We were on to our next destination: the yacht!

As glamorous as it may sound, crashing on a yacht in New York, it definitely wasn't. For one, we weren't actually in New York anymore, we were in Hoboken, New Jersey. And secondly, the yacht was very small, and the water was very choppy. AND, I was already feeling nauseous from my hangover. Plus, there was no central heating for hot water, so we had to walk all the way up to the club, in the freezing cold, just to shower! All I really felt like doing once we got to the boat, was sleeping off my hangover, but of course, nobody else was down with that. And Evan was getting ants in his pants again.
Shane and Dr. New York had plans to go to a fondue party, which Evan and I weren't too keen on joining, so he and I made our own plans for the evening. We decided to check out Rockefeller Center, and the Christmas Tree and all that. So I put on my cute new little black dress, which I had been saving, and my new red peep-toe pumps. I wore black plaid tights also since it was so cold. And of course I had my black wool trench. But even so, I was freezing! We had to walk about 30 minutes down to the ferry to take us across the Hudson. And from there we had to catch a cab into the city. By the time we made it to Rockefeller, I felt like an arthritic old woman! I can't emphasize enough how cold it was! And poor Evan was getting really annoyed with my complaining, I could tell. Lol.
But once we were inside, we found a restaurant and sat down and I started to feel better. But it was kind of a catch 22 because the cold seemed to mask my hangover, and as soon as we got into the warmth, I started to feel sick again. But I thought maybe I'd feel better after we ate. We ordered wine, and 2 dishes to share: crab cakes, and pasta. Both were excellent!
"So...there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about." Evan said as he set down his fork. I could tell he'd been mulling something over in his head for about 10 minutes. I guess he'd finally decided to divulge.
"What?" I said matter-of-factly.
"Well...I really meant to bring it up before we got here, but I chickened out."
"Ok..."
"Well, you know that night that I uh...stayed at your house?"
"Yes, Evan."
"Well...I dunno, I'm...interested in you. And ever since then, sometimes I think maybe I should...do something? But I'm not sure if I'm getting signals from you or not. Like...the other night before we left, that's why I couldn't sleep all night!"
By now, I had my head in my hands, as it was starting to pound again from being hungover. I looked up at him through my fingers, and sighed. I almost wanted to laugh, because the awkwardness he was feeling was just radiating off him!
"Evan..."
"Shit! I shouldn't have said anything. I just ruined dinner, didn't I!? I just ruined New York!"
"Shut up! No you didn't. I just think it's funny how much you squirm when you're uncomfortable." He looked down, clearly even more embarrassed than before. I chuckled. "Look, if I ever seem...extra friendly, or flirty or something, especially if I'm drunk, don't think anything of it. Ok? I'm not trying to send you any kind of signals it's just...things got a little confusing after that incident, which is why I suggested we should just stay friends."
"Yea...I dunno, I guess I just thought..." he trailed off.
Then it was my turn to feel awkward. I shoved another bite of pasta into my mouth and immediately regretted it.
"Why do you look so miserable?! I totally ruined the night!"
"No, Evan! G's, I feel like shit, ok!? It has nothing to do with you!" I couldn't help but laugh. He just looked like a sad puppy. "Ugh...maybe I shouldn't have ordered this wine."
He stared blankly at me, but I knew he was still thinking about it.
"Listen. Let's just agree never to speak of that incident ever again, ok? Like it never happened! And you and I, we're just friends. That's all. And we can have a perfectly platonic, fun time in New York for the next 2 days. Alright??"
He readily agreed, and we picked up our check and left the restaurant, and the awkward conversation behind.
Then we were back in the biting cold all too soon. We walked around a little bit, took pictures in front of the tree, shopped, wandered into a couple bars...
But there wasn't much point in going out drinking since I was still hungover, and neither of us had a wingman. It's just too weird when a single guy, and a single girl walk into a bar...together! No one is liable to try and pick up either one of them. So we had just about given up and were about to head back to the boat when we saw the sign on B. B. King's jazz lounge: Live Tool Cover Band.
"LET'S GO!!!" I shouted as I pointed to the sign. I am the biggest Tool fan ever!
"Ok!" Evan said. So we bought a pair of tickets and sat down at a comfortable booth. I took out everything I had just bought: 4 books, a CD and a new Harry Potter scarf. Three of the books, and the CD were Christmas presents, but the scarf was for me! Hee! Anyways, 3 of the books I got were all the same. I got one for Jenna, one for Sophie, and one for me! They're these really funny picture books where people took pictures of street signs, but they put "fuck" stickers on the signs in place of one of the words, so that they read really funny things. Does that make sense? Like, for example: Please do not fuck the pigeons. Lol.
So we sat and looked at the book, and laughed our asses off, while we watched a really badass Tool cover band! So the night ended well after all. And at least 3 people complimented me on my shoes throughout the night!
Our cab drive back however, wasn't so great. We had kind of a hard time trying to tell the guy how to get to where we were going, but we made it eventually! Shane and Dr. NY were already in bed when we got in. So I took the convertible table/bed, and Evan took the couch/bed. Despite the rocking, I slept pretty well. And the best part is, when I woke up, I was no longer hungover!

Loose Ends

Evan and I hung out the other night, and things were just...weird. I mean it was like neither of us knew exactly how to act, or if the other was thinking yes, no, maybe? So I said "Evan...I think maybe it would be easier on both of us if we just stayed friends" and he agreed. We've just been friends for way too long, and I don't know how else to act with him! So, friends it is.

I'm still waiting to hear about the job in New York City. I want it sooooooo bad! I mean, I know I need to get my life together. I feel like I'm falling in a black hole, and I don't wanna get stuck. And moving to a new city, with a blank slate is just what I need. I hope...

Ok, I know I said I wasn't gonna do this, but I just can't keep my mouth shut! If you're going to comment on my page, please don't patronize me or talk to me like I'm a dirty slut. Because I'm not. I don't sleep around. In fact, the only guys I've ever blogged about sleeping with, are The Model, and Vette Guy. And The Model is an enigma in itself... I would freakin' marry the guy if he asked me! I think every girl has that one guy that they will always go back to, no matter what has happened in the past. And he is that guy for me. Not because he's a model...because he's him! He's fun, and goofy and crazy, and before all the drama went down, he was someone I could just be myself with. Because we didn't have any pretenses. We were just friends...with benefits! As for Vette Guy...he was definitely a mistake, but I really liked him, and I thought it was going somewhere. And nobody is perfect! So why do people have to be so judgmental? I never thought I could receive so many hurtful comments from people just because I wrote something, and I was being honest about it. I wasn't relieved that The Albanian and I didn't have sex. I did not want to sleep with him. I wrote "and no clothes came off" to emphasize the fact that there was passion, but also innocence. So some of you may have misrepresented me in your comments. I'm not asking any of you to like me, and I'm not trying to win anyone's favor. I'm just chronologging my experiences in 20-something life for my own amusement. And I'm learning from my mistakes. Oh, and please don't start comment wars on my page either! As fun as those are to read, they get out of hand pretty quickly.
So if you're enjoying my blog, and you have some advice for me, good or bad as long as you're not bitching me out, then go ahead and comment. Otherwise, seriously?? No one's forcing you to read this. If you're so disgusted by me, then don't.

G's I hope I don't have to do that again...

ANYWAYS . . .
Cecilia's baby shower is this Saturday. Her cousin and I are hosting it. I can't wait, it's gonna be so much fun! I've never really been a baby crazy type person, but I really can't wait till she has her baby! Cecilia is my first really good friend to have one. I was talking to her on the phone yesterday, and I told her she HAS to call me as soon as she goes into labor! She promised I'd be the first one she calls (besides her husband) and that I can be there in the delivery room if the doctors let me. I've seen horses give birth, but never a person. Lol, and I dunno how similar that is, but I'm looking forward to it actually! I told her she might decide she doesn't want me in there with her, but she said "Whatever, bitch! You better show up with some Starbucks!" Hahaha! I so love her! I've missed her too, being pregnant and all. But we're gonna go have some girl time today. I have some shopping to do so she's gonna come to Target with me. And tonight, Melissa and I are gonna have dinner at Friday's before I have to go to work.
So today will be a great day for girl bonding!

Mitch Of The Day:
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."