John

When I saw him across the patio, I immediately jumped up from the table, and ran over to talk to him. After a while, he left his group and joined ours. We spent the day discussing feminism and politics and everything under the sun while sipping cocktails. As the sun made its way down the sky and day turned into evening, it felt like everything was simultaneously speeding up and slowing down. I thought to myself, I think I really want this now. Finally. And once I acknowledged that, I just let it take me, the way a river current carries a raft. 

It ended up being just the 4 of us, watching HBO and eating takeout pizza till midnight. And then as we all started to fade, they retreated to their room upstairs, I made my way to the guest room downstairs, and he made himself comfortable on the couch. 

My mind was racing as I brushed my teeth and dressed for bed. I wasn't 100% sure if it was a good idea, but I still wanted to. So I turned out the light, climbed into the bed, and reached for my phone.

"Are you coming?"

And then he was there, beside me, stolid and warm, and yet I felt somewhat remote, and apprehensive. He didn't say much at first, but then, "Do you like to be touched?" and I said it depends on the touch, and the person. He told me to lie on my stomach, and I did, and then I felt the light brushing of his fingers against my skin - my back, my arms, my neck, in my hair, sending tingles and gooseflesh spreading in waves to the tips of my fingers. I sighed and relinquished my doubts. 

"Is this ok?" He asked, and I rolled back over towards him and kissed him, softly at first, then more deeply. He responded in kind, and even though I couldn't see his face, I could feel the strength and tenderness, the tentative yet eager hunger with which he applied himself. It started out very slowly, just the kissing, my fingers in his hair, his hands cupping my face. And then he was leaning over me, unhurriedly pulling my shirt over my head, and dipping to kiss my neck, breasts, stomach, and then my mouth again. I don't remember the last time I felt so desired for myself, not just my body. It was in the deliberate way he undressed me, like he didn't want to rush so as not to miss anything, and the way his hands caressed every inch of me, as if his fingertips were his eyes, and the way he lingered over me with kisses. It was so...intimate. And so deferential. I could feel him asking without ever using words if it was what I wanted, as if he was ready to stop at any sign of mistrust or trepidation.

The sex itself wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was everything else! I'd forgotten what true intimacy really feels like. Having that deeper connection with someone, and just letting go of everything and giving yourself over to that person. I didn't want it to end.

Afterwards I fell asleep with my head on his chest, with one of his arms around me, and the other lightly brushing the hair back from my face. It was entirely peaceful. It felt...right.

I was sad to see him go this morning, and I thought...Who would have thought that after all this time, it could be so intense, so passionate, so...easy? But then again, I can't imagine it being any other way, really. 

The Mutual Exclusivity of Friendships and Significant Others

I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there.  He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
NOT IN THE MOOD TO "HANG AT HOME" WITH 2 COUPLES.
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool

So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!

UUUGGGHHHHH.
PEOPLE! STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY NEED/WANT/SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...

It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.

So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.

29

Well it's been a while. I'm sure you guys think I say that in every post. Lol. But I've been done with my semester for about a week now, and I have more spare time than I know what to do with! My birthday was this week. Another year older...((Sigh)) But that's not what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about my past. And my exes. They both seem to be creeping up on me lately. Last weekend, Brazil came into my bar, and tried to get me to go home with him. And to be honest, I seriously thought about it, just remembering how good the sex was. I haven't seen Matt in a while. I guess I'm just...over it. For now anyway. Lol. So it's been a while for me in the sex department and there was Brazil, being all flirty and asking me if I wanted a ride on his scooter. Lol. But Warren was like, "You're not seriously going home with him are you??" And I sighed and said, "No, I'm not." When he gave me a skeptical look, I reassured him that I'm not Abbie and I don't make stupid decisions on a regular basis. Lol. And I sent Brazil home. I just can't think of him without remembering how immature and selfish he acted when we broke up last year. And how he lied and adamantly denied everything. Ugh. But he still keeps trying. He texted me that next morning and said, "So I know this is weird, and i probably shouldnt say this, but the second i saw u last light really made me wish i could kiss u. Im weird, i know. :P"
Cheeseandrice are you fucking kidding me?! Lol. My response?
"That's funny, cuz when I saw you, I thought you really wanted to kiss me. Lol."
And that was that. He didn't mention it again, although he did text me on my birthday and told me he would take me riding whenever I want. Haha. Scooter riding just isn't the same as motorcycle riding though.
Ahhhh it's been so long since I've been on the back of a motorcycle. Not since Daniel. Remember Daniel? Check that link if you don't, because here's where he enters the story. A couple weeks ago he sent me a facebook friend request out of the blue. I thought it was strange, but I didn't really think that much of it. I get blasts from my pasts requesting me out of nowhere all the time. It just...happens. But I took my time accepting him, as not to seem all eager. Haha. But once I did, I sorta just forgot about him again.
But then yesterday morning, he instant messaged me! Just to wish me a happy birthday initially, but then he started asking how I was doing, and why I'm in Chicago, etc etc, and we ended up chatting and catching up for quite a while. My first thought was that he must have just broken up with a girl or something. Because I remember him as the type to jump from one girl to the next, always having something going on in between because he can't stand the idea of actually being single. But then who knows? I thought. It's been 5 years. Yes, FIVE YEARS. I still can't really comprehend that. But anyway, maybe he's grown up a little (ha!) or changed or something in that time. I definitely can't assume to know him anymore.
So anyway, we chatted for a bit, and then I got up and went about my day. And he sent me a message here and there, but I was busy doing shit so we weren't really talking that much. But then when I got home later that night, he messaged me again. I'll paste.

D: Hope you had great birthday. Be safe have fun.

Me: i'm already in bed lol
this is how i know i am old now

D: And thanks for chatting with me today it was really nice hearing from you

Me: lol you don't have to thank me
but you're welcome anyway

D: How old are you now actually ?

Me: 29
so old
lol

D: Ah still so young
Perfect age

Me: this is my last official year of youth

D: Still look like the same pretty girl I met years ago


Then we chitchatted some more and then came this:


D: I had a dream about you awhile back

Me: seriously??
what happened?

D: That's why I hunted you down on Facebook totally random I added you don't you think?

Me: yes, it was quite random
are you going to tell me about this dream, or what?
lol
my ears are burning

D: No it's kinda embarrassing

Me: what?!
you can't just say something like that and then not tell me!
was it a sexy dream?
lol

D: Actually that brings up something else but no no no
Can't say right now

Me: if it wasn't a sexy dream, then what's so embarassing about it1?
embarrassing for me, or embarrassing for you??

D: The dream was just really intense and I was looking for or trying to get to you but it sounds cheesy if explain it

Me: dreams are always intense
the ones you remember anyway

D: Ahhhh yea your right

Me: ok tell me

D: Lol ok fine
I had a really crazy dream about my ex too recently. we have been off and on for so long and this dream was so profound that It really said something to me and I had to finally cut it off. totally sucks but I guess that's life
So anyway

Me: in my experience, if you're constantly on and off with someone, that means you can't make it work. but hell what do i know?
tell me your dream!

D: Seriously about 1 and half 2 years ago I had this dream that I found this amazing girl (like the person youre head over heals for ) and when I found her this general or high ranking military guy got in the way and basically said I had to be a part of this boot camp or military thing to be with this girl ( dreams are vague but that was implied) so I went through all this crazy shit like being stationed in different places, all this crazy boot camp stuff and conflicts with people... and throughout this experience I kept seeing this girl that I wanted to be with and she wanted to be with me, but something kept coming up and this Sergeant was like her dad, it was weird so finally I was in this other place and I finally got to where I needed to be and I found her again but then I woke up, I don't know if I actually got to be with her even though I went through all this crazy shit
But anyway when I woke up I had an image of who she was and her features and the way she ways looked and everything and the first thing I thought of was you
She resembled you so much

Me: hahahaha weird

D: I know
It was weird it was like it was you but dreams can be vague ya know

Me: that isn't embarrassing though
but yea dreams are weird
you know why??
its like when you have amnesia
and your brain can't catalog things correctly because it doesn't know what's a memory or what you just like...saw on tv or something
so everything is just jumbled up


D: Yeah
Me: but you know what ELSE?

D: ?
 
Me: every single face you see in your dreams is a person you've seen before
your mind never makes them up
so maybe that's why i played the role of the girl of your dreams
lol

D: That's true
Lol
Thee girl

Me: Lol

D: I did feel very intimate and close to you

Me: in the dream
?

D: No!
When we dated

Me: oh

D: Silly
I know it was very short

Me: you were an early-intense-relationship kinda guy
lol
i remember that

D: What do you mean ?

Me: but....it seems like another life to me almost. in some ways like a dream. being in houston.
a lot of my memories of the things i thought and felt then have changed or warped
its hard to explain
i guess i've just changed
i don't mean with you specifically

D: Yeah I totally know what you mean I'm very different

Me: i just went through a lot of shit right before i moved here
its like my life has a before and after period now
haha
but anyway...
D: Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck! 
Just take it as a compliment

Me: ummmm WHAT?!
lol
sorry
this is just really out of left field

D: Whatever

Me: how long ago did you get out of a relationship??
i'm not...trying to be mean, but this is seriously the last thing i was expecting.
what do you mean you never stopped having feelings for me? that cannot be possible.

D: I haven't been in relationship in a long time I do those anymore lol

Me: pardon my loose use of the word "Relationship"

D: Ugh

Me: i just use it to refer to anything...dating, casual sex, whatever
lol
i was just referring to what you said earlier
that you recently broke things off with someone
 
D: We are talking about like 3 things at once now

Me: hahaha
are we?

D: Haha

Me: well you're the one who opened pandoras box, so you can't expect me to NOT have a million and one questions for you

D: Who me?
We'll stop being so fucking cute then

Me: oh god

D: And you should have ignored my friend request
Jk

Me: i thought about it
lol

D: I know you did

Me: but then i thought, whats the harm?
lol
and i figured you must have had a reason for requesting me out of nowhere, so curiosity got the better of me

D: Oh we'll there you go

Me: do you even know how long it's been since you and i saw each other?? like in person?

D: 5 years

Me: fuck has it really been that long?

D: We'll I'm sure we can figure it out

Me: how long since we dated?

D: Was it 09?
O8?
I don't remember

Me: it was 08

D: I mean how long did we date it was like month then like a week or two after
So like 2 months

Me: we dated from like april to june

D: Ahhhh you remember all this

Me: well it fell during our birthdays
i remember that*                                                (*Actually I just looked it up on the blog! lol)
so you're saying you've had feelings for me still ALLLLL this time??
i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one
lol

D: ok fine
That's not what I said exactly

Me: one of the other things i remember is that you were the one who ended things. although i can't remember why...lol
prettttttttttty sure it was another chick though
pretty sure
actually

D: Uh no

Me: its all coming back to me now
and i'm pretty sure her name was ALSO PEYTON!
the audacity of you...lol
you may present the defense
hahaha

D: No I started to see another girl named Peyton (just random) after you yes that lasted 2 weeks. She was complete trash. But that is not why I stopped taking to you. That's a fact

Me: lol
if you say so
well do you know why you stopped talking to me? because i don't.
i'm not even sure i knew then

D: I stopped talking to you because I was young and dumb 
I liked you and was scared of commitment. i listened to Whitney too much
I wasn't a man I barely took care of myself, I wanted to be free and single
I was a total coward
Just simply immature
And I'm sorry
Peoples emotions are not to be messed with and I took a lot for granted

Me: i'm not asking for apologies
just reminiscing
i mean i appreciate you saying all that, i do
i forgot about whitney...he was such a thorn in my side!!
lolhe had no life of his own!! always meddling in other ppls shit...
fuckin whitney
you still talk to him??

D: You know what he is exactly the same! And no

Me: LMAO
hahahahahhahahaha

D: I totally shut him out

Me: that's good!
ppl like him never change
lol
funny though
he had a total lezzie crush on you

D: Oh god you're not the only one to tell me that
He's just hater that's all
Lol
Anyways

Me: ok...so you didn't have feelings for me all along, but you do now?
is that what you're saying?
because i don't know how that is possible either lol.

D: What
That's a trick question

Me: ok then just explain this to me:
"Well I'm sorry that your past is creeping up on you but I sorta still have feelings for you... never really stopped. not saying that means anything now but I did and still do, or I guess want you to know that youre really awesome and i did think you were sexy as fuck!"
those are your words
lol
p.s. i know i'm awesome

D: Yeah you are

Me: but thank you for acknowledging

D: lol

Me: why are you telling me this now Daniel? I am realllllllllly curious. lol.
is it just bc of that dream?

D: I can't explain why I just have been thinking about you and yes I had that dream but I sorta thought I was crazy for having it but then I thought about it again recently and I wanted to see how you where doing . I remember a lot of specific things about you that I really admired and thought you where a total foxAnd yah I really don't know what it ended I just remember being young and dumb
 
Me: smh...lol
you're a shameless flirt, you know that??

D: What!!

Me: hahaha
don't act so shocked

D: I only flirt with girls with beautiful smiles and strong morals

Me: BAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA
you are SOOOOOOOO full of it!!

well anyway
did you know i'm gonna be in houston next week?

D: Really!?


Me: yea, my friends are flying me in to take their engagement photos
i'll be there for a week

D: I didn't even know you were in ChicagoBut since youre coming here I might try to steal a couple kisses if I get the chance

Me: baha!
lol
you're so
lol

D: Lol
What

Me: i'm going to bed now
but you have my number still?
 
D: Don't be mad

Me: [my number]
loser

D: Too cute
Good night

Me: shutup
call me or something before next week
that way you won't be all weird when i see you
lol


Sorry that was so long, but it was just too much to paraphrase, and I think the language is important. I want your opinions people! I'm going to Houston next Wednesday to shoot Taryn's engagement photos. So I'll most likely see Daniel, and maybe even go for a motorcycle ride ;)
But what do you guys think? Is he full of shit? Or does it even matter since I'll probably only see him a couple times and then not for a really long time, if ever, once I move back. He's just so...
I know how this goes, ya know? He acts super interested and I get used to talking to him or whatever, just like with BJ and then suddenly BAM! He's gone. But I guess it's irrelevant anyway. What are the chances of this actually working out? Who says I even want it to work out??
All I know is, right now I feel like I have something more to look forward to on my trip to Houston. Even if it is just a stolen kiss.

Home Is Where The HEART Is

Over the past couple months I have struggled with whether or not I should continue to blog. Mostly because my life is sort of stagnant right now, and I just don't have that much dish, and then partly because I'm so busy that my posts are few and far between, and I know my readership is dwindling. But every time something DOES happen, I WANNA blog about it. So for now, I'm just gonna say that my blog is sort of...on hold. I will post here and there, but unfortunately, that's all I can commit to at the moment.

In other news, I just got back from a 10 day trip to Houston. And now that I'm back in Chicago I have this really weird feeling that I'm not really home here anymore. It's like I feel confused inside. You know? Like that feeling you have when you first move to a new place, and in your head, you know it's "home", but it just doesn't feel like home necessarily. Well that's how I'm feeling about Chicago right now. I mean I've known for about a year now that this isn't where I want to stay. This move was something transitional, something I needed, and I'm definitely glad I did, but not something permanent. And I've toyed with idea of moving to New Orleans, or Austin after I graduate, but now I'm convinced that Houston is just...where I belong. I was just so happy there the last week and a half. I have a lot of good friends. Not just casual friends, or coworkers, or classmates. Real, true friends. And if there's anything I've learned from this experience of leaving everything behind and starting fresh, it's that true friends are hard to find, and they should be treasured, always. My reasons for leaving Houston don't really...apply to me anymore. Hopefully I will be able to find a real job before I move anywhere, so I won't have to bartend again, but everything with Brandon is in the past, my parents issues are (mostly) in the past, and I wanted to pursue photography and art, and I did! So I've decided that when I finish school, I'm going back to Houston. I'm going back home.

A Great Week

So I just got back to Chicago this morning, and I have been sleeping for the past 7 hours. Lol. Being out in the sun all day and running on ~4 hours of sleep a night will do that to you I guess. I didn't even make it to improv! Oh well... In fact, I've been perusing facebook and noticing that Lane and Rose have been spending a lot of time together, and it's really irritating me. I dunno WHY, because I like Rose, and I'm totally over Lane. I just feel...resentful I guess. That he could just drop me like that and move on to some other girl who also happens to be in our class. I mean I don't know if they're really seeing each other or anything. I'm probably just reading into it too much. ((Sigh)) I fuckin' hate guys.
Well at least my facebook page is currently littered with happy posts and tons of pictures of all the awesome shit I've done in the past week. So he can suck on that! Lol, not really, but I wish... I just can't get that feeling out of my stomach like I really need to one-up him somehow. This is fucking stupid! Why do I even care?? They're probably not even dating! I mean, she just broke up with her boyfriend! But who knows? I mean we weren't really dating either.

Anyway, I'll pick up from where I left off at the ranch...

So Carrie, Rory and I got back and everyone was out by the fire pit, which has this really long sidewalk, which leads to this like giant circle with these huge pillars all around it. It's really neat looking. And of course there's a gas powered fire pit in the middle of it, and speakers and an iPod hookup all connected everywhere. The whole house was like that! It's ridic. So anyway, Carrie and I didn't waste any time opening our wine and chugging a glass. Haha. Dawn and Tommy were still shitfaced and causing trouble. Tommy almost fell into the fire, at which point we all noticed his shorts were ripped and his balls were hanging out, literally. His balls were hanging out of his shorts. And when someone brought this to his attention, he proceeded to stick his butt up in the air and wave his balls in everyone's face. It was fucking sick. ((Shudder)) Dawn was being a total white trash bitch about it too. Rory kept trying to get her to eat something and she just wouldn't. Ugh...something about that girl just realllly rubbed me the wrong way after that weekend.
But anyway... The good part is, all the drunkies past out by like midnight, around which time this guy Donny showed up. Taryn had been telling me she wanted to hook me up with him, but he's totally not my type. Really nice guy, just...not my type. So anyway, me, Carrie, Donny and George were the only people still awake. And we were just getting started! I mean, Donny had just arrived, and Carrie and I were just getting our buzz on and I guess George must have gotten a second wind or something. Lol. So we decided to go swimming. And we were having noodle fights, and goofing off when suddenly all the lights went off. I mean utter pitch blackness. We're in the middle of nowhere! The lights for the pool, patio and cabana were all on a timer so they went off at like 2am or something. So we're all just floating silently in the pool like, "What do we do now?" Haha. Then we noticed the sky.
OH.MY.GOD.
I have never seen a sky so beautiful in all my life. It was like we could see every star in the universe! The whole Milky Way, the planets...It was just breath taking. So we all just kind of lay there on pool floats, staring at the sky for who knows how long. It was really an experience. Did I mention we'd smoked some "potpourri" earlier? Lol. I mean the sky really was that awesome, but our heightened state of mind probably made it even more mind-boggling.

Eventually Carrie and I decided to turn in. And the beds were soooo comfortable! I didn't wanna get up in the morning, but I was too hyped about horseback riding to stay in bed! And we finally got to ride! Dahmer and I were the only ones actually interested in riding, but still. It felt so great to be back on a horse. It's been so long! ((Sigh)) I miss riding.
After that, we were all sweaty and gross, so of course we jumped back in the pool for one last dip before hitting the road. Oh, I and I feel like I should mention that Taryn did apologize to everyone for her Little Miss Princess attitude the day before. Which of course, was due to over consumption. Lol.
Before we all left, there was icecream cake for Rory's birthday, and we all thanked Rory's family for putting up with us. On the drive home, the whole gang stopped for some good ole' Texas BBQ. I had my dad pick me up from Taryn and Dahmer's place. And when I got back home, with the intention of napping, I found I couldn't sleep. My shoulders were burned for one, and I wanted to catch up on the blog while the memories were still fresh! :)
But now I'm back in Chi-Town, and finally caught up on my rest. Ahhh...
It really was a great week.

Trouble in Paradise

So somehow, Dahmer and I made it out Friday night. We went to my old bar, then to the shot bar to visit Taryn. After that we headed to a new bar that's opened since I moved. My old friend Tara, who I used to work with at the country bar is working there now! So she totally hooked us up. We also ran into Ben, who's notorious for only partying at the hottest spots. Lol. But we had fun, and were in a cab by 1:30am. Taryn didn't get home for another couple of hours, and Dahmer was already asleep.
The next morning we loaded up the car and were headed out to Rory's family's ranch by 11. We pulled up about an hour later. And it was absolutely breath taking! So much more than what I was expecting. Sooo much land, so many horses, the barn looked like a house, and the house was...whoa. Very impressive. Rory gave us the grand tour upon our arrival, and then we all suited up and jumped in the pool. The awesome saltwater infinity pool with a cabana and hot tub! We spent the entire day in the pool. There was a pretty big group there, which included me Taryn and Dahmer, George, Carrie, and some of Rory's family. And it is sooo hot in the Houston area right now! It was over 110 every single day. But we were in and out of the pool so much it's like we only got out to eat! And I got the most amazing tan!
So last night, I didn't want to drink, because Rory said we were gonna go riding after dinner, and I didn't want to be too drunk to ride. No one else seemed concerned however, and I was pretty much the only sober person. When the sun started setting and dinner still wasn't ready, I began to give up hope that our evening ride was going to happen. It was around this time that all the drama started to go down. I had just walked in the house to wash up for dinner when Dahmer approached me.
"Hey...Taryn's in the last bedroom. Did you wanna talk to her?"

Since I wasn't looking for Taryn, and hadn't even inquired about her, I thought this was a rather odd question, and I'm sure it showed on my face.

"Do I need to talk to her?" I asked.

Dahmer shrugged, "I dunno. She's pretty pissed."


"Why? At who?" I asked.

"At me, maybe?? I don't know, I think she's mad that I didn't put my foot down about us getting our own room."

I raised a brow, "What??"
"Well Rory said it's his parents rule that only the married couples get their own bedroom, so we're all sleeping out in the cabana."
"So?" I said. The cabana happens to be a really bitchin' little house, with 8 beds (4 twins with trundles), all with TempurPedic mattresses, 2 full baths and a pool table. So no complaints here!

"Well I dunno...she's all mad about it."

I sighed. "Ok. I'll go talk to her. But she has no reason to be mad at you."

Dahmer just shrugged again as I walked down the reallllly long hallway past all the suites to the last bedroom. Lol. I knocked on the door.

"Come in."

The room was dark, and all the curtains were drawn.

"Hey," I said as I walked in, "Dinner's almost ready."

Taryn was laying on top of the covers, looking extremely sunburned and very drunk.

"Ok." She said in her soft, higher than normal drunk voice, "I'll come eat in a minute."

"Are you sick?" I asked.

"No...I'm just really tired."

There was another knock at the door.

"Come in!" We both said.

Carrie came in and turn on the light.

"Turn the light off!" Taryn said in a hoarse whisper.

"I just need to get my stuff and move it to the cabana. My shit is everywhere..." Carrie said as she began picking things up and tossing them into her suitcase.

"Ok just turn the light off." Taryn said again, a little impatiently. Carrie and I exchanged, WTF? looks, and she reluctantly turned the light off.

"What's the matter, Taryn? Are you not feeling well?" Carrie asked in a concerned voice.

Taryn signed, "I'm fine...I'm just a little disappointed that [Dahmer] and I don't get our own room. I mean we live together. And I was told before we came out here that we would have our own room, and our own bathroom, and now we're here and I find out we have to sleep in the cabana in a twin bed in a room full of people." She pouted.

"So what? We're guests here. It's only for one night. It'll be like summer camp!" I said, trying to cheer her up.

"Well...I mean, we're not gonna get any privacy."

"It's not like it's your fucking honeymoon!" Carrie interrupted with a laugh.

"I know that, but this is just not what I was expecting. And it really pisses me off that [insert couple here] get to have their own room, just because they're married."

"Those are Rory's parents' rules. They're very conservative." Carrie said, starting to look annoyed. She was pretty sober as well.

"Well, we might end up driving back tonight." Taryn said haughtily. My jaw almost dropped. They were my ride!

"You're kidding me." I said flatly.

Taryn sighed, "Somebody tell me to suck it up."

"SUCK IT UP." I said, more loudly than I intended to, "This place is amazing, and we should be kissing Rory's family's feet for letting us stay here at all. Let's just have a good time, and not stress about stupid shit. Ok?"

"Ok." Taryn sighed with a pout.

Carrie and I left her to get changed while we went to eat.

"I can't believe she's being like this." Carrie said under her breath.

"Me neither! I've never known her to be so..."

"Rude? Selfish? Demanding??" Carrie finished my sentence.

"Uh...yea." I said.

"I need to get the fuck out of here. Where's Rory? He said he wanted to make a beer run. Wanna come?"

"Yes please!" I said.

So as soon as we finished dinner, we piled into Rory's SUV for a drama free drive. We all bitched about the drama that was happening. Apparently Rory was dealing with drama of his own. This girl, Dawn and her husband, Tommy were both completely shitfaced. And Dawn kept talking to Rory's mom about his ex, who she is still friends with. And apparently she was pretty rude. So Rory's mom got all mad at Rory about it...((Sigh)) Poor guy. It's his birthday weekend and he can't even relax and enjoy himself. So the 3 of us made a pact to get hammered. Lol. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? So we loaded up on beer and wine, and headed back to the ranch, for round 2 of excitement.

Houston So Far

The last 2 days have been so great! I got into Houston Tuesday night, and Dad and I just hung around the house really. I was pretty tired from all the running around and packing I'd been doing. But on Wednesday, Dad woke up early and went out to get kolaches! One of my favorite and most missed food items that you can only get in the south. SOOOO good! Then we went to the zoo, cuz I've been dying to see their new chimpanzee exhibit. It was super hot of course, but we had a good time. After that, we had a late lunch and headed home.
Mom picked me up around 3:30 and we headed up to my aunt Suzanne's. I hung out with my cousins, and Lexi and I made a fresh blueberry cobbler. It was delicious! We went to bed pretty early that night cuz my mom had to go to work early in the morning. But just when I was starting to fall asleep, Gavin called. I wasn't that surprised to hear from him, being in Houston and all, but usually he just texts, and he didn't even seem interested in seeing me last time I was in town!
As it turned out, he didn't even know I was in Houston! It was just a total coincidence that he called. Then he scolded me for not telling him I was coming. Lol. To which I replied that he definitely gave me the good old brush off last time I was in town, and he said that was because he was afraid if he saw me, he'd cheat on his girlfriend. Hehe. Silly boy... But we chatted for a bit, he said some more dirty and inappropriate things, and I passed out with a guilty smile on my face.

Yesterday, bright and early, Mom and I headed back into the city. She dropped me off at Jenna's, so I could spend the day with her, but we both just went back to sleep for an hour. I went with Jenna to her doctor's appointment at 9:30. Apparently when you're 7 1/2 months pregnant you have to go to the doctor every other week. Ugh... But Jenna and I always have fun no matter what we're doing, so we just talked and goofed off the whole time. After that, we headed to the kolache factory for a quick breakfast (can't get enough kolaches!!) and then we got our nails done. I haven't had a manicure since before her wedding! When we got home, Justin took us out for an authentic Tex Mex dinner, which was really nice of him. Jenna confessed to me that she's worried about Justin not being fully on board for the baby. I guess he's pretty nervous. Hopefully when the baby is born, he'll be more excited, and less anxious. I really like Justin, but sometimes I just can't help but feel that he isn't good enough for Jenna. ((Sigh)) I hope I'm not right.

Anyway, after dinner, I met up with an old friend from high school, Prudence. We rarely see each other anymore, but when we do get to hang out, it's like no time has passed. We're a lot alike: super goofy, same sense of humor, and up for anything, anytime. We went to my old bar, and took wayyy too many (free!) shots. Lol. But I got to see Aaron and Tanya, Mr. P, and Brandon, of course. So over it. Thank god... But Prudence and I had a blast! And I crashed at her and her boyfriend's place last night. Today I am super hungover and wondering how I'm going to make it out again tonight with Dahmer. Lol. I'm staying with him and Taryn tonight. She's actually on her way to get me right now. Prudence and I went and saw Harry Potter again. Well, again for me, first time for her. And I got a free movie ticket! Long story...
But it's off to Taryn's now, and then to the ranch tomorrow morning. I can't wait! Stay tuned...

Day At The Lake

Just spent the whole day at the lake with Jenni. And I am exhausted. And my face is bright red.
((Sigh))
Fail.

I gotta work all day tomorrow, then Monday is class, and then Tuesday I leave for Houston! I can't wait to see Jenna. She's 8 months preggers now! It'll be the first time I get to see her with her belly. Also can't wait to spend the weekend with Taryn and the gang! It's gonna be a blast.
So I should have some exciting posts coming up soon!

Thought It Over

Thanks for the comments, guys! I definitely thought over everything about Matty, and Anonymous (who are you??) is right. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with Brandon. I'm just going to stay away from the people I work with. Romantically, anyway. Better safe than sorry, and I definitely do need that job too much to risk it for romance. So yea. He's too young anyway. I don't wanna just date around. I'm getting old. I need to start dating people I can actually possibly see myself being with like...forever. That sounds so final, and serious, but...I don't wanna be alone in 5 years. ((Sigh)) So I'm just going to take the high road, and be friends with Matty, nothing more.
Anyway, only 2 weeks till Jenna's wedding! And I'm actually really looking forward to going home, even though it's only for 3 days. I just have so much to do before then! I need to get a haircut, a mani/pedi, a tan, and a wax. Ugh... It's not going to be cheap either. It has been kind of nice not having to worry about hairy legs for the last 3 months. Lol. It's definitely still too cold here for shorts. We actually got more snow a few days ago.
On Saturday, I finally got to hang out with Sophie. We met up and did some bargain shopping. She had heard about this apartment sale, so we went to check that out, and I got a cashmere scarf for 50 cents! Lol. Then we went into this hair salon so I could check out their prices, since I'm in the market for a new hairdresser. We also went to Border's, cuz the one by her house is closing, and everything is like 60% off, and we went to a couple resale shops. I didn't get any clothes, but Sophie got a pair of brand new looking shoes! After that we had lunch/dinner and went our separate ways.
Work with the boys was fun, but I already told you about that. So my weekend was pretty great, over all! Now I just gotta make it through this week without spending any money, so I can save for my weekend in Houston. Haha, wish me luck!

Disappointing Day

This morning, I was woken up by my phone ringing. Normally, I wouldn't answer, but it was Bethany, and I hadn't talked to her in a while, so I picked up. By the end of the conversation I was wishing I'd stayed asleep. ((Sigh))
She was calling to "forewarn" me that she might not be in town when I'm Houston in a couple weeks for Jenna's wedding. Because she just has to go see her boyfriend play baseball in whatever God-forsaken town his minor league team plays in. It's not like she doesn't go see him almost every fucking weekend! I'm just so pissed. I mean, every time I tell her to come visit me, she's always saying she can't because she has to use her vacation time to go see Tony, because her entire life suddenly revolves around him. Plus she missed my birthday last year for this exact same reason, and she's been telling me constantly how much she misses me, and she's known for MONTHS that I'm going to be in town in April, and now she's probably not even gonna be there. If she goes, I'm gonna be really pissed. Like...monumentally pissed. I don't even like Tony. He's so...desperate for attention, and immature and dramatic. And aggressive. He's always getting drunk and trying to start fights. Ugh... Bethany's just wasting her time and money flying to see him all the time.

On top of that, Sophie and I had plans to have dinner and go to the comedy show tonight, and she had to cancel because she got some really sad news. She and Brent's cat has a brain tumor. He's an old cat, but Brent has had him for like 10 years, so they're both pretty upset. Totally understandable. I'm sad too, and he's not even my cat. But it still sucks because I feel like I haven't seen Sophie in so long, and we finally had some solid plans, but of course they fell through. So here I am on my only night off with nothing to do but watch movies and feel sorry for myself. Blaaaaahhhhh...