Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I think I miss blogging.
I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.
So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.


So that's everything. I think.
I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.
That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.
And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!
I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.
I have no one. Literally. No one.
Do you know what that's like??
To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????
I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.
I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.


~J said...

I think it's a wonderful idea that you've decided to start therapy. I hope it works out great for you.

I totally understand the feeling of not having anyone you can talk to or turn to. I've been there, and frankly.. it's sucks big hairy nasty-ass monkey balls. ;)

I don't remember who Gavin is (I guess I'll re-read back a few and see if it I can remember), but I think the reason why you felt so empty afterwards is b/c maybe you hooked up with him for the wrong reasons. Maybe you hooked up with him trying to get the loneliness to subside, or thought it would make you feel better being close to someone in that way. I think we can all understand that, and I'm sure a lot of us have done the same thing.. I know I have. :)

I know this sounds sooooo cliche.. but it WILL get better in time, I promise. It may not seem like it now, but eventually it will. Take care, and I hope you find the sunshine soon. :)

Adriana said...

im so sorry youre going through this. i think its a good step to go to therapy. it can be hard to admit that you could benefit from it, it was so hard for me to realize i needed someone to talk to. I know how you feel about the lack of friends you can call. the same exact thing happened to me the other day. i literally pulled out my phone and thought, wow there is not a single person in this world that i could call right now to talk to about how i am feeling. and that hurts.

im so sorry. i hope therapy helps. i hope sophie gets back in touch, i hope SOMEONE shows you how impt you are. and i hope you can stay strong. i dont think you shouldnt move away bc of whats happening with your family. maybe not right now, but i dont think you should ditch the idea altogether. you could even see if your dad wnats to move too! that could be fun.. or incredibly overwhelming.

good luck. and i know i dont know you, but i have checked your blog for updates constantly, so feel free to write, or talk one on one, ill always be around to listen. <3

Nic said...


It's good of you that you're going to see a therapist. Hopefully (s)he can help and get you out of this funky mood.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You are doing the right thing by seeking out someone to talk to. I hope that things get better. No, Things will get better, just in time. We all miss your blogging too. Going away to school may not be a such a bad idea, please don't give up on that dream.

Fefita said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The only way that I feel better, and feel like I have someone to talk so is when I blog. I have NO FRIENDS, my family doesn't call me. I'm estranged from my Mom, and my Dad is headed that way too, because he's engaged to someone who is only 3 years older than I am. I have a hubby, but he's no help. Literally. Sometimes I can't talk to him, because he doesn't understand me, and a lot of the times its him that makes me feel so bad. If I try to talk to him about it, he shuts me out. I wish I could go to therapy, too. I need it. But, money is tight, so maybe in time. Things will get better. All in time. But its a good choice to seek a therapist. Good luck with everything, and I hope you go back to blogging. I miss reading your page. =)

Anonymous said...

i feel bittersweet right now peyton. i was soooo excited to have you back and now i am sad for you. i think that therapy is a great idea and i hope it goes well. i'm sorry about your family situation and i truly hope you can all make it through this. have you called sophie? you should def get in touch with her and talk to her about how you're feeling. i really hope that you're ok. you seem like a really good person so i'm sure this will all turn around for you soon. even though it's a tough time, i am happy you're back :)

Anonymous said...

I've been adding comments for like the last 7 posts and for some reason they are never posted! They are all pretty supportive too...I don't know what's going on.