I think I miss blogging.
I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.
So here's what's happened lately...
1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.
2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.
3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.
4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.
So that's everything. I think.
I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.
That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.
And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!
I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.
I have no one. Literally. No one.
Do you know what that's like??
To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????
I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.
I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.