Ok I know I promised a new post today, so even though I don't really have much to report, here I am. Things with my Mom are...strained, to say the least. She still comes over once a week but I just don't really know what to say to her, and the atmosphere is very subdued. Although things with my Dad have actually sort of been improving. I guess it's cuz I've been making a noticeable effort to talk to him more, and spend more time with him. I just don't want him to be lonely. ((Sigh))
My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.
Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.
I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.
Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.