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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Question...

((Sigh))
Suck.
I really wanna e-mail him. Daniel, I mean. I don't know why, or even what I would say.
"Hey, Peyton here... Just wanted to tell you I'm still madly in love with you and I want you back. Not any chance of that happening I suppose...?"

What's wrong with me!?
Is this just one of those psychological things where I can't let him go because he "got away" or something??
Why do I think about him 24/7?
Why does EVERYTHING remind me of him?
Why do I seem to have this unhealthy obsession with him, when he clearly does NOT feel the same way about me???

I JUST WANNA MOVE ON!!!!
SERIOUSLY!!

I wanna forget about what we had, I wanna forget about how I felt about him, how I still feel about him, I wanna forget about us, I wanna forget about him.

And here's the worst part...
I have a confession to make.
I have a new crutch.
Something that really helps me to not think about him.
Helps me to not think about anything in particular really, except how incredibly light and happy I feel when I'm doing it.
And if you haven't figured out what I'm talking about yet, then I'll tell you all before you start spinning any wild stories.
Reefer.
About twice a week with Bethany, or Mark from work, or whenever I go out on the boat. I don't do it alone, or everyday or anything. Just in social settings. I kind of replaced drinking with smoking ever since my horrible drinking incident at Tug's party which landed me in Evan's bed, past out drunk after an hour of puking. (Let me remind you all, that was the day he dumped me.) Ugh...
I didn't write about it before because I know what kind of reaction I'm going to get. An onslaught of judgmental, berating comments. But at this point...I don't even give a fuck. Seriously. Who cares about anything anymore??
My life is a suckfest.

12 comments:

Just me said...

I have to tell you Peyton....I've been in exactly the same shoes. I dated this guy for only a few months and he broke up with me right after his mom died saying he needed time alone. Then, I found out that he used that as an excuse to be with this trailor park trash girl with a 2 year old.

Even though we only dated a few months, it still broke my heart. I had never felt that kind of pain before, it literally felt like my heart was torn to shreds. It's been 3 years since then and I still think about him. This is probably going to suck to hear but....the pain never truely goes away. Whenever you TRUELY love someone and that person is suddenly out of your life, missing them never really goes away. You just learn to deal with it. Yes, it does get easier over time and you learn to let go and move on but there will always be a small place in your heart that still wonders about "the one that got away", as cliche as that may sound.

I hope that this helps, even if it's just a little bit.

<3Kelly

Anonymous said...

smoking is definitely a way to forget everything around you and also pretty cheap if you do it with your friends so you don't have to pay lol just make sure not to do it too often and if it helps you forget about Daniel then more power to you :o)

Anonymous said...

peyton... i have never written before but i read your blog all the time... i have this same problem with my friend. she lets guys treat her like crap and then cant get over them... there are soooo many guys out there that will treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like. you really need to move on for your own health. i know its hard but with time you will be able to overcome... just hang in there.
as for the reefer. you never hear about anyone getting into car accidents because they smoke a little pot... if anything, i think it makes me more cautious...

Anonymous said...

hmm, who's Daniel? is he Vette Guy??

Jadeny said...

I'm not sure what TX is like, but up in NY pot is not the kind of thing that gets you judged. In my opinion it's probably safer to be really stoned than really drunk. I completely understand how it would help you right now. I think we have all been there before. Don't let anyone judge you over something so silly.

Annie said...

I know how you feel... when my last boyfriend broke up with me i thought my world was over.. Cause i thought he was the man of my dreams.. i would hear something i thought of him, i watched something i thought of him.. everything i did... it was him i thought about... But it took time and i moved on and now i am married.. But sometimes deep down, I think about my ex..and i go look at his myspace name and wish i could talk to him and tell him i miss him... But i kno its not good.
And about the smoking the pot.. Good for you if that helps you (it helped me :D)Then keep on doin it.. You dont kno how many people out there still smokes weed.. I even bet all the people who will say something bad about you doin it.. is smoking it and dont want no one to kno about it.. cause they are scared of what will be said about it all.. But in all.... just keep ur mind on one thing and keep doin it. Good luck with everything..Your doin good.. OH did you get that apartment?!

Anonymous said...

girl! EVERYONE smokes that shit! it's ok and i'm surprised you are just starting! live it up!!!!

~a*

Anonymous said...

sorry ignore that question about daniel/vette guy.. i just realized i missed a million posts haha

K said...

Judgemental, berating comments? Because you're smoking a little pot?! Give me a break... if people judge you for that, screw them. I honestly don't think a little pot is that bad for you. Now if you were to start smoking it daily, all day, and become a total pothead, that's a problem. But you're not. I doubt you're letting it affect your work, and I doubt you're jumping into your car and driving right after you smoke. So just go with it... if it helps, great!

Jatorade said...

Hey, if it helps I say why not! It's helped me before and it isn't addictive. There are so many worse things you could be doing. If it makes you happy...go for it!

Anonymous said...

like many other posters here, i've been in your shoes. I think we all have felt or will feel the way that you do now. I dated a guy for eight monthes and then out of no where he dumped me. and I know you miss Daniel and want to talk to him it will only make you feel worse. after my ex and I broke up we stayed in touch and even discussed getting back together numerous times, but we never did. that's what hurt the most out of everything. I waited foe him for a year and a half before I moved on. it will be two years since we broke up in September and it's still hard to get through a day without talking to him. but I'm working on it. it's a day by day thing but if you work at it and work hard it will get easier day by day. peyton, I don't want to see another woman go through what I did with him. don't belittle yourself and your life for him. there is obviously something wrong with him for not wanting to be with you. from what you show the blogging world you seem like a smart and outgoing person that deeply cares for the people she meets and has a lot to offer on the future. if he cared about you at all it will be just as hard for him not to talk to you. and if not, it's his loss and a gain for the rest of the world. you can do so much better than him and the best revenge is to move on and keep living. I took my own advice and I'm now dating a wonderful thta apperciates me and loves me the way that I am. keep your head up and things will get so much better.

and as for the pot, who cares? its your life and you can do whatever you want with it. no one else can tell you how too live it plus,we've all at least tries it.


oh, and sorry for all the typos that are probably in here. I'm typing this on my iPod touch and anyone who has one of these or an iphone knows how tricky and tim consuming it can be.

love you and hope things look up,
courtney

Anonymous said...

daniel wasnt that great. i know it probably seems hard to see this right now, but there are a million guys out there who will treat you better. if he WAS so great, you wouldnt be in this situation right now.