I really wanna e-mail him. Daniel, I mean. I don't know why, or even what I would say.
"Hey, Peyton here... Just wanted to tell you I'm still madly in love with you and I want you back. Not any chance of that happening I suppose...?"
What's wrong with me!?
Is this just one of those psychological things where I can't let him go because he "got away" or something??
Why do I think about him 24/7?
Why does EVERYTHING remind me of him?
Why do I seem to have this unhealthy obsession with him, when he clearly does NOT feel the same way about me???
I JUST WANNA MOVE ON!!!!
I wanna forget about what we had, I wanna forget about how I felt about him, how I still feel about him, I wanna forget about us, I wanna forget about him.
And here's the worst part...
I have a confession to make.
I have a new crutch.
Something that really helps me to not think about him.
Helps me to not think about anything in particular really, except how incredibly light and happy I feel when I'm doing it.
And if you haven't figured out what I'm talking about yet, then I'll tell you all before you start spinning any wild stories.
About twice a week with Bethany, or Mark from work, or whenever I go out on the boat. I don't do it alone, or everyday or anything. Just in social settings. I kind of replaced drinking with smoking ever since my horrible drinking incident at Tug's party which landed me in Evan's bed, past out drunk after an hour of puking. (Let me remind you all, that was the day he dumped me.) Ugh...
I didn't write about it before because I know what kind of reaction I'm going to get. An onslaught of judgmental, berating comments. But at this point...I don't even give a fuck. Seriously. Who cares about anything anymore??
My life is a suckfest.