Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

The Space Between Us

I woke up this morning with a photo and a message from Jamie. I slept for maybe another hour, then when I woke up again, we started talking. We chatted for a while, about the election, and some other stuff. Eventually the conversation turned a little bit naughty... He was at work, and I just can't help but tease him when I know he's surrounded by people and trying to control himself lol. So I was revving his engines a little bit, just for the fun of it. Then he said he had to go into a meeting, but we still kept talking....

Jamie: You're pushing a lot of my buttons right now

Me: :) 
Me: I love pushing your buttons. It's very satisfying.

Jamie: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it also

Me: I know, lol. Are you going to have a hard on in your meeting?

Jamie: Haha it's finished so I'm just about to drive home...

Me: Were you just having that conversation with me DURING your meeting??

Jamie: It was an audio and the big part of the agenda was cancelled

Me: Hahaha. You're still bad...
Me: I do enjoy you, Jamie. Lol maybe too much.

Jamie: How do you mean?

Me: I enjoy how easily I can turn you on for one
Me: And you make me laugh

Jamie: Haha my male weakness for you
Jamie: I'm glad I do though, and it's felt in return also

Me: I hope so

Jamie: No need to hope

Me: I just don't speak to many people with such...candor.
Me: And none of them are male except you
Me: Not that I'm having sexy conversations with my girlfriends or anything...lol.

Jamie: That's good to know and sincerely received. Distance is a bit of a fucker isn't it

Me: Yeaaaa let's just not go there right now

Jamie: Agreed, I'm going to have to jump in the car now though. Can we chat later if you're around?

Me: Sure

Jamie: Enjoy your day x

Me: You too


I didn't hear from again today, but I haven't stopped thinking about our conversation. The fact that he referenced the distance between us in that particular way kind of startled me. I mean did I read that wrong? Was he just referencing the fact that we can't have sex, or was it more than that? At the time, I assumed it was more, but maybe I was reading too far into it, I don't know... I just wasn't prepared for that topic, in any context. And I don't want to talk to him about that via electronics. I want to have that conversation in person, if we have it at all. It's too easy to write something like this off when you're chatting online or via text. I want to see his face and hear his voice, and I want him to do the same.
But who knows. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it.
What I do know is, I love the idea of him. The idea of him being this far off, yet possibly attainable future. And the idea of having someone to talk and laugh with, and kiss and fuck, and be in love with. And everything about him is so disarming to me. I'm not the same way about him as I am with most guys. Not as prickly or wary. I mean yea, he's attractive and charming and I know I can't be the only one who sees that. But he still seems to want me. Despite the improbability of it all, and the inconvenience and maybe even the pointlessness, he still wants to talk to me. Regularly! He still wants to come back and see me. How easy it would've been for him to just...have his fun with me for that one weekend and never talk to me again. It's what I expected, in fact, and I was ok with it! But he didn't do that. He stuck around, figuratively speaking. So now I'm just thinking about him constantly, and trying not to. And I'm hoping against hope that he can be my date to this wedding, and imagining how amazing it will be to see him again. ((sigh))
I guess I really am just a hopeless romantic.

Runaway Trains

I know, I know...it's been a while. I've been kind of avoiding blogging because it means I have to confront and acknowledge my feelings. Lol. I'm not really sure where to start. I've been super busy the last couple months with work, which hasn't left a lot of room for dating, or anything like that.
But in regards to my those feelings I've been avoiding... it's Jamie. We've been talking a lot more lately. I mean we have been keeping in touch, but kind of just sporadically. But over the last couple months, our communication has become much more frequent. We talk almost every day now. And a couple months ago he was talking about coming back to NOLA in the new year, so I offhandedly suggested he come the first week of February and be my date to Bethany's wedding. At first he was like, "Well isn't that kind of a big deal?" And I was like, "HA! No. As many weddings as I have to go to?" Then we laughed and I mentioned how it would be fun - dressing up, open bar, dancing, and of course having him for arm candy lol. And he basically said he'd be delighted to go with me. Of course at the time, it was still kind of a ways off and I didn't really expect him to commit to something like that right then and there. But it's come up twice more since, and he still says he wants to go with me. And then today he told me there's a restructuring going on at his work, and he may be transferred, promoted or laid off. Most likely promoted, but he still may have to move to another city. Anyway, he's going to let me know about the wedding by the weekend. So hopefully I'll know for sure by then!
The other thing is, a lot of the times our conversations begin with him telling me he's thinking of me and he's lonely/horny. Lol. But lately, our conversations have been more about life, and and stuff he likes and stuff I like, and funny stories about our past and our families... Today he even let me pick out a suit for him! He's going to buy it next month lol. And he asked me about my past relationships. That felt kind of like...we crossed over into some new territory. And there was something else he said...I have to go back and find it.

"I mean New Orleans is my favourite place, the food, culture, music, I love the Saints, despite the rain today your weather's pretty amazing and then there's this extremely beautiful girl there who's offering to tie me up..."

Lol, about the tying up, I said I wished he could come watch TV in bed with me and he said he didn't think he'd be able to watch the TV if he was in bed with me, so I said I'd just have to tie him up. Haha. Of course that led to some sexy talk.
But anyway...I don't know what this is exactly, and I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't pursue girls across the pond, or date, or fuck, or whatever, but it feels like something. We've never actually really said anything about our feelings towards each other, other than physical attraction, and fun.
But when he comes back, because I know he will, weather he goes with me to the wedding or not, we are going to see each other and sparks are going to fly, and I'm not going to be able to pretend this is just a friendly casual thing anymore. I'm afraid it will turn into another Lane situation and that left me totally wrecked...
I'm still willing to risk it though, because I feel like, if I fell for him, and he fell for me, and the stars aligned and all that crap, I would move to England to be with him in a heartbeat. Or maybe he'd consider moving here since he loves it so much. Who knows!? Maybe you think I'm crazy, since I said the same thing about Lane, but I meant that too! It's really rare to have such an intellectual, emotional, AND sexual connection with someone. And in my opinion, that's worth sacrificing things for. I realize this is all so far fetched and it's silly to even consider, but sometimes I just can't control my trains of thought. ((Sigh)) And having been single for so long, sometimes those runaway trains are all I've got.

WANTED: SINGLE LOCAL DUDE

Well I guess I may have spoken too soon about the Englishman. He sent me a facebook message today, and we ended up chatting for an hour or 2. It was a great conversation, but a little too redolent of the early days of Lane and I reconnecting. ((Sigh)) It's like...do I really wanna do all this again? I mean Jamie is great, and sexy, and British, and we have a lot in common...except for the fucking continent we live on. And that's way worse than here to California. Plus, there's his whole divorce thing. I suggested we chat using iMessage and he basically said he didn't want to do that in case someone else saw there was a girl texting him, because it could be used against him in divorce proceedings. ((Sigh)) So weird...
So I dunno. I'm still not totally over Lane. I'm doing much better, but all this has got me thinking about him again. It's just really frustrating because I feel like I went so many years without meeting anybody worth dating, and now I've met 2 great guys, and I can't date either of them because they don't fucking live here! What the deuce!? When am I gonna catch a break?!
Kevin called me today. He acted all cool and casual at first, and then he was like, "So what do you got goin on tonight?" And I basically told him nothing, and then he was like, "You wanna get together and make out later?"And I was like, "Uhhhhhh...." I mean literally, I was kind of speechless. How do you answer something like that when the answer in your mind is clearly, obviously, "NO"? I just answered his question with a question, and avoided giving him a straight answer until I was able to get off the phone. Most awkward conversation EVER. I told Jamie about it when we were talking and we both had a good laughed. But still...weird.
Anyway, Carrie is in town for the weekend. She's staying at Lauren's, but we're all gonna go out tomorrow night. So maybe we'll meet some cute single LOCALS! Who knows, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way.

I Can't Even

So I never ended up seeing the Englishman again. Kinda disappointing, but it's probably for the best. I just started my period anyway. But what's weird is, he just accepted my facebook request TODAY. Today as in, the day he's flying back to the UK. So of course I've been stalking him.
And I forgot to mention before, the night we met, he confessed to me that he is married. That's what he said, "I'm married." So of course, I freaked out because I'd been making out with him 5 minutes prior to that, but then he went on to explain that he and his wife are separated and he's in the process of going through a divorce. In fact, he talked about it more later that night, and he seemed really upset with himself that he was going to be a 31 year old divorced guy. I checked up on this, of course, and confirmed with his friend that he is, in fact, separated from her. And then he told me that that was one of the main reasons he came to New Orleans, just to get away from it all. Apparently she wanted to have kids, and he realized that he does want kids, just not with her so...they split up. Rough.
But anyway, so I found his soon to be ex wife on facebook, and most of her photos are not private, and there's all these old wedding photos of them...it's weird. It's sooooo weird. I have never slept with a married man before, regardless of the technicality. I really hope he wasn't lying to me about that, and I didn't just participate in cheating. But then why would he have accepted my friend request? Ugh. All this is pointless. I just hate when guys act like they really like you, even after the sex, and they say all this bullshit to you about how you're so wonderful and beautiful, and they've never met anyone like you and blablabla...I'm a grown ass woman. I don't need to be coddled. Why can't you just fuck me and leave if that's all you want? What's the point of all the other crap? I'd rather they not be overly gratuitous and complimentary if they're not actually interested. Just save it.
God...this is why I told myself I wasn't gonna do the casual hookup thing anymore. Because I just CAN'T. #LessonLearned

My English Gentleman

Last night I went to this crazy Mardi Gras costume party. Very exclusive. Kevin invited me a while back and despite the way he's been acting lately, he said he still wanted me to go. So we had plans to meet at this bar and he and his friends had arranged for some sort of shuttle to take us to the venue. My plan was to Uber to the bar so I wouldn't have to drive, but there were no Ubers available because of all the parades and whatnot, so I had to call a regular taxi, which was going to mean I'd miss the shuttle. So Kevin told me to just meet him at the venue, and they'd probably be in the line. So I got there and called him, and their bus hadn't even gotten there yet! So basically, I ended up standing on a street corner alone for 45 minutes waiting in the freezing cold. But he ended up texting a friend of his, Dave, who was already in the line, and he was able to get me in. So Dave was with a small group, and he introduced me to everyone, but the most interesting person was definitely Jamie, the British guy. He was dressed in all pink, including a wig, and was apparently dressed as a rugby player. Turns out, he actually plays rugby (of course). Well we just sort of hit it off immediately, and were talking and found we had lots of common interests - books, BBC Tv, political views, etc. So it ended up just being Jamie and I at the bar alone and his other friends wandered off. Eventually we went into one of the stage rooms to find everybody. I still hadn't heard from Kevin, and it was close to midnight by this time. But then when we found Dave, he said he's just seen him! He didn't even text me to let me know he was there! And then Jamie kept saying, "Oh well we should probably go find him, since you need to say hi and everything." But I was hesitant to do so because of the way Kevin has been acting lately. Ever since I told him I just wanted to be friends, he's been kind of a dick. Trying to make me jealous, and just being generally immature. So I ended up explaining the whole situation to Jamie, who apparently had been under the impression that Kevin and I were some sort of item. I set him straight quickly though, and I told him I'd rather hang out with him than with Kevin. So I did! :)
And we had the best time. I didn't drink too much, which is good. Just enough to catch a buzz. And Jamie and I, both being virgins to this particular party, had a good time people watching. There were people there that were basically naked. Sooo that was interesting. He kept telling me I wasn't like any of the other American girls he'd met, because I'm much more progressive, and I'm very sarcastic, and straight forward, like British people. I laughed and said I'd take that as a compliment. At one point, we were on the dance floor and he was just staring at me, and I said, "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" and he said, "Because I'd really like to kiss you right now."
So I kissed him! It was wonderful. It felt so...organic. I just can't remember the last time I just met someone out of nowhere and liked him like that. I mean he's hot, he's tall, he has a sexy accent, and he's smart and well-read. What's not to like?? Well...there is the part about him living in Manchester. ((Sigh)) Why can't I ever find a good guy that lives HERE?! He's only going to be here till Wednesday. So after we kissed for a while, he asked me if I was free any time this week, because he'd like to see me again. And I told him I didn't really know what my schedule was yet (which is true), but that I'm sure I can squeeze him in. Then we went back to kissing.
Inevitably, I did have to go find Kevin and say hi. It would have been rude not to. So Jamie went off to find Dave, who was holding all his cash since Jamie didn't have any pockets lol, and I went to find Kevin. He was dancing, and super fucked up. Apparently he took ecstasy. ((rolls eyes)) He introduced me to a couple of his friends, but really didn't seem too interested in talking to me. Which was totally ok by me, cuz I just wanted to get back to Jamie, but I didn't want Kevin to see us together, because I figured...I dunno, that would just be too wrong, seeing as Kevin was the one who invited me to the party in the first place. So after Kevin and I chatted for a bit, I told him I was going to grab another drink, and went to find Jamie. Then we continued with our fun night. We stayed until the place shut down, around 4am, and then finally walked outside to find a taxi. I was really uncertain at this point about inviting him back to my place. I mean I wanted to, but 1) my place is a huge mess right now with all these puppies and 2) I told myself I wasn't going to have any more casual hookups, because ultimately, that's not what I'm looking for. But of course, I gave in, and invited him back with me. I mean he had no phone and no money and his friends were gone. I couldn't, in good conscious, leave this foreigner to fend for himself! I warned him about the puppies, and the messy house, but he said he loves puppies, and didn't care. Good thing it was dark. Lol.
So things went basically the way you'd expect. Except, I took off all my makeup. I wasn't worried about what he'd think. And he said I was beautiful. He also said he respected me, and we didn't have to anything I didn't wanna do, but I wanted to. So we did.
It's funny because he's very proper, in a way. He never swears, he apologizes constantly (which is definitely a British thing) and he was bashful to even say the words, "have sex". Lol. He was just kind of like, "Well if you want to..." and he sort of made this gesture that said, "you know what I mean" and I just laughed. While we were at the party, he actually used the words "make love". BAHA! He's so cute. And he literally could not keep his hands off me. Even when we were just laying there, he was constantly rubbing my back, my arms, anywhere my skin was exposed. It was heaven... The sun was up by the time we went to sleep. And it wasn't like real sleep. It was like a nap, followed by more sex, and then more napping. Around 4, we actually got out of bed, and then I drove him back to his friends house on my way to Bethany's for a Super Bowl Party. I only stayed for the first half though, cuz I was exhausted. Jamie doesn't have a working phone here, since he lives in England, but he told me he would Facebook message me. I'm still waiting for that to happen, but hopefully I see him again before he leaves. And if I don't, that's ok. I had a great time, and that's what matters.