Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.


Berta said...

As being a single 32 year old out there in the dating world I can tell you that you sound like me about a year ago where I needed someone in my life and went out with douchbags just to fill the void. After a lot of counseling and focus on my and what I want to do and like to do I now am completely ok with being along and when I start to like a guy but he despairs it really doesn't cause me to over analyze too much anymore. I always thought I was ok with being alone but I really wasn't. I forced myself to be alone and not relay on anyone to make me happy and just did want I wanted now I seem to be ok - still single with no prospects but I am ok with that. I know what I am looking for and wont settle for less anymore just because some guy pays attention to me or because I don't want to be alone.

Anonymous said...

For him to tell you he has a date sends the message that he thinks there's something between you, but the fact that you live so far apart with no plans to change that, you can't really put your lives on hold. Texting is so impersonal, do you ever video chat or anything?
Objectively, I'd say to be really cautious, because the chances of this turning into a relationship are really slim. You should protect yourself.
But subjectively, I've been in a situation similar to this before, and it would be totally understandable if you wanted to tell him how you feel (not tell him not to date or anything, but maybe that you shouldn't continue talking like you are if it's definitely not going to go anywhere). Maybe asking him for a solid answer on the wedding date thing would be a good way figure out what he's thinking. Because if he can't go, you want to be able to find another date or wrap your head around going solo, right? He seems like a reasonable guy who would understand that.
On a side note.. start saving for a trip to the UK. London is amazing!

- Courtney

Autumn said...

I dont think you should bring up the wedding. I think you should plan on probably having to go alone, but if he does end up going then you can be pleasantly surprised. I think he told you about the date because he was trying to be nice/respectful. He probably likes texting/flirting with you but realizes that the possibility of you two getting together and being something serious is highly unlikely. So he probably wants to keep chatting casually with you but not hurt you at the same time and also keep going out with girls and live his life like normal.

You should keep chatting with him if you enjoy it but definitely keep your guard up, don't turn this into something it isn't yet, and don't scare him off with being too full on too soon.

You seem really cool but we have seen you make the same mistakes with guys over and over, so hopefully you can learn and find someone amazing!

Anonymous said...

Hi Peyton, Hope you're well, but wondering if we will ever get any more posts? Thanks, Christi