Runaway Trains

I know, I know...it's been a while. I've been kind of avoiding blogging because it means I have to confront and acknowledge my feelings. Lol. I'm not really sure where to start. I've been super busy the last couple months with work, which hasn't left a lot of room for dating, or anything like that.
But in regards to my those feelings I've been avoiding... it's Jamie. We've been talking a lot more lately. I mean we have been keeping in touch, but kind of just sporadically. But over the last couple months, our communication has become much more frequent. We talk almost every day now. And a couple months ago he was talking about coming back to NOLA in the new year, so I offhandedly suggested he come the first week of February and be my date to Bethany's wedding. At first he was like, "Well isn't that kind of a big deal?" And I was like, "HA! No. As many weddings as I have to go to?" Then we laughed and I mentioned how it would be fun - dressing up, open bar, dancing, and of course having him for arm candy lol. And he basically said he'd be delighted to go with me. Of course at the time, it was still kind of a ways off and I didn't really expect him to commit to something like that right then and there. But it's come up twice more since, and he still says he wants to go with me. And then today he told me there's a restructuring going on at his work, and he may be transferred, promoted or laid off. Most likely promoted, but he still may have to move to another city. Anyway, he's going to let me know about the wedding by the weekend. So hopefully I'll know for sure by then!
The other thing is, a lot of the times our conversations begin with him telling me he's thinking of me and he's lonely/horny. Lol. But lately, our conversations have been more about life, and and stuff he likes and stuff I like, and funny stories about our past and our families... Today he even let me pick out a suit for him! He's going to buy it next month lol. And he asked me about my past relationships. That felt kind of like...we crossed over into some new territory. And there was something else he said...I have to go back and find it.

"I mean New Orleans is my favourite place, the food, culture, music, I love the Saints, despite the rain today your weather's pretty amazing and then there's this extremely beautiful girl there who's offering to tie me up..."

Lol, about the tying up, I said I wished he could come watch TV in bed with me and he said he didn't think he'd be able to watch the TV if he was in bed with me, so I said I'd just have to tie him up. Haha. Of course that led to some sexy talk.
But anyway...I don't know what this is exactly, and I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't pursue girls across the pond, or date, or fuck, or whatever, but it feels like something. We've never actually really said anything about our feelings towards each other, other than physical attraction, and fun.
But when he comes back, because I know he will, weather he goes with me to the wedding or not, we are going to see each other and sparks are going to fly, and I'm not going to be able to pretend this is just a friendly casual thing anymore. I'm afraid it will turn into another Lane situation and that left me totally wrecked...
I'm still willing to risk it though, because I feel like, if I fell for him, and he fell for me, and the stars aligned and all that crap, I would move to England to be with him in a heartbeat. Or maybe he'd consider moving here since he loves it so much. Who knows!? Maybe you think I'm crazy, since I said the same thing about Lane, but I meant that too! It's really rare to have such an intellectual, emotional, AND sexual connection with someone. And in my opinion, that's worth sacrificing things for. I realize this is all so far fetched and it's silly to even consider, but sometimes I just can't control my trains of thought. ((Sigh)) And having been single for so long, sometimes those runaway trains are all I've got.

Reflections...

I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.

Feeling Too Sentimental?

So I'm getting my haircut tomorrow, and I was talking to Sophie about it, and she sent me a link to one of my old photos on facebook of Todd and me at the Superbowl afterparty. I had just gotten a haircut, it just brushed my shoulders. I didn't like it, I remember. I was in a total state of panic because I had no idea how to style it! Well anyways, underneath that picture was a comment, from Melissa. Remember her? Since I blocked her, ages ago when I cut ties with her, there's no picture, and no link to her profile, but the comment is still there. It said, "You look so beautiful. I love your hair!"
And right then in that moment I just...thought about her. You know, wondered what she's up to, how she's doing, etc. Last I heard she was moving somewhere 4 hours away from Chicago. But I never looked into it or anything, and never asked why. It was just something a mutual friend of ours wrote on my page in passing.
So I signed out of my facebook account and logged into Amanda's account. You guys probably won't remember her, she was someone I met through Melissa a long time ago. Really sweet girl, but we didn't stay in touch. Anyway, ages ago she shared her login info with Melissa and I so we could stalk our exes or some shit like that...
So I logged onto Amanda's profile and looked Melissa up. And as it turned out, she's now living in Madison, Wisconsin, and engaged! And believe it or not, I actually felt happy for her. After everything that happened...I still felt kinda proud of her in a small way. That she finally got out of her parents house and moved all the way across the country. Plus I can relate to that. Moving really far away from home...
So I thought to myself, You know what? Maybe I'll just drop her a line.
And I started to type out an email. This is what it says:


Hey Melissa,

I know I'm probably the last person you expected to hear from, but I heard you moved to the midwest, and that you're engaged. I know we aren't friends anymore, but I just wanted to tell you that I don't harbor any ill will towards you and I'm happy to hear you're doing well. I wish you all the best.

That was as far as I got. Then I started to wonder if it was even a good idea to send her a message, so I asked Sophie about it. She had some very interesting insight on the matter...

Me: do you think it would be a bad idea for me to reach out to Melissa after all this time?

Sophie: yes.

i have experienced times of weakness/loneliness/curiosity when i have considered reaching out to people i cut ties with, but ultimately, i always realize that i cut those ties for a reason

Me: lol, well i just found out that she moved a few hours away from here, and she's engaged

and i actually feel kind of glad for her

i don't want to be her friend again or anything

Sophie: that's good to feel glad for her i guess

but i think you have to ask yourself if you think she could actually contribute anything positive to your life?

or what reaching out to her would accomplish

Me: well...i just thought it might be nice to just say hey, glad to hear you're doing well

Sophie: i suppose you could do that...but i think it would invite further contact

which would probably lead to drama

and the other negative contributions she wreaked upon your life*  

*I actually missed this little gem during our conversation and just read it for the first time upon pasting it here, and now I am laughing.

 

Me: i don't know that SHE could actually contribute anything positive to my life, but i kind of feel like just mending that broken bridge, even only a little bit, might contribute something positive to my life

my 10 year reunion is this year ya know

if i go, i'm sure i'll see her

Sophie: i would, if you can, mail her something that says that

and don't include a return address

Me: well i don't know her address or anything..

i mean i was just thinking an email

Sophie: obviously, it is up to you

Me: but you think it's a bad idea?

or that i'd be asking for trouble?

Sophie: i mean, if how things were left is a source of regret for you

then maybe you should do it

Me: no...its NOT a source of regret

i mean she caused so much fucking drama in my life

Sophie: but i don't think i would let it go farther than one email

Me: and when i stopped talking to her everything got a lot simpler

Sophie: right, so you don't owe her anything

Me: it's not that i feel i OWE her something

i just feel like patting her on the back and saying, "good for you"

lol

Sophie: i think if you reach out to her, it might send HER the message that you DO regret it and then she will think that you did things wrong and are now sorry for it and she is free from blame

Me: oh

i didn't think of that

Sophie: which, then, will teach her nothing

Me: yea...i guess that's true

it's not like i could send her something that says, "hey i'm glad we're not friends anymore, but i'm happy for you too"

lol

Sophie: i mean, if you see her at the reunion, you could approach her and tell her you're happy for her and leave it at that

So that's the end of that. Do you think it's a bad or good idea reach out to Melissa??