Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Feeling Too Sentimental?

So I'm getting my haircut tomorrow, and I was talking to Sophie about it, and she sent me a link to one of my old photos on facebook of Todd and me at the Superbowl afterparty. I had just gotten a haircut, it just brushed my shoulders. I didn't like it, I remember. I was in a total state of panic because I had no idea how to style it! Well anyways, underneath that picture was a comment, from Melissa. Remember her? Since I blocked her, ages ago when I cut ties with her, there's no picture, and no link to her profile, but the comment is still there. It said, "You look so beautiful. I love your hair!"
And right then in that moment I just...thought about her. You know, wondered what she's up to, how she's doing, etc. Last I heard she was moving somewhere 4 hours away from Chicago. But I never looked into it or anything, and never asked why. It was just something a mutual friend of ours wrote on my page in passing.
So I signed out of my facebook account and logged into Amanda's account. You guys probably won't remember her, she was someone I met through Melissa a long time ago. Really sweet girl, but we didn't stay in touch. Anyway, ages ago she shared her login info with Melissa and I so we could stalk our exes or some shit like that...
So I logged onto Amanda's profile and looked Melissa up. And as it turned out, she's now living in Madison, Wisconsin, and engaged! And believe it or not, I actually felt happy for her. After everything that happened...I still felt kinda proud of her in a small way. That she finally got out of her parents house and moved all the way across the country. Plus I can relate to that. Moving really far away from home...
So I thought to myself, You know what? Maybe I'll just drop her a line.
And I started to type out an email. This is what it says:

Hey Melissa,

I know I'm probably the last person you expected to hear from, but I heard you moved to the midwest, and that you're engaged. I know we aren't friends anymore, but I just wanted to tell you that I don't harbor any ill will towards you and I'm happy to hear you're doing well. I wish you all the best.

That was as far as I got. Then I started to wonder if it was even a good idea to send her a message, so I asked Sophie about it. She had some very interesting insight on the matter...

Me: do you think it would be a bad idea for me to reach out to Melissa after all this time?
Sophie: yes.
i have experienced times of weakness/loneliness/curiosity when i have considered reaching out to people i cut ties with, but ultimately, i always realize that i cut those ties for a reason
Me: lol, well i just found out that she moved a few hours away from here, and she's engaged
and i actually feel kind of glad for her
i don't want to be her friend again or anything
Sophie: that's good to feel glad for her i guess
but i think you have to ask yourself if you think she could actually contribute anything positive to your life?
or what reaching out to her would accomplish
Me: well...i just thought it might be nice to just say hey, glad to hear you're doing well
Sophie: i suppose you could do that...but i think it would invite further contact
which would probably lead to drama
and the other negative contributions she wreaked upon your life*  
*I actually missed this little gem during our conversation and just read it for the first time upon pasting it here, and now I am laughing.
Me: i don't know that SHE could actually contribute anything positive to my life, but i kind of feel like just mending that broken bridge, even only a little bit, might contribute something positive to my life
my 10 year reunion is this year ya know
if i go, i'm sure i'll see her
Sophie: i would, if you can, mail her something that says that
and don't include a return address
Me: well i don't know her address or anything..
i mean i was just thinking an email
Sophie: obviously, it is up to you
Me: but you think it's a bad idea?
or that i'd be asking for trouble?
Sophie: i mean, if how things were left is a source of regret for you
then maybe you should do it
Me: no...its NOT a source of regret
i mean she caused so much fucking drama in my life
Sophie: but i don't think i would let it go farther than one email
Me: and when i stopped talking to her everything got a lot simpler
Sophie: right, so you don't owe her anything
Me: it's not that i feel i OWE her something
i just feel like patting her on the back and saying, "good for you"
Sophie: i think if you reach out to her, it might send HER the message that you DO regret it and then she will think that you did things wrong and are now sorry for it and she is free from blame
Me: oh
i didn't think of that
Sophie: which, then, will teach her nothing
Me: yea...i guess that's true
it's not like i could send her something that says, "hey i'm glad we're not friends anymore, but i'm happy for you too"
Sophie: i mean, if you see her at the reunion, you could approach her and tell her you're happy for her and leave it at that

So that's the end of that. Do you think it's a bad or good idea reach out to Melissa??


Bonnie-Lynn said...

I would totally leave it alone, i don't really remember what she did but i do remember it ended bad, she was very immature. Why dredge that up again?

Anonymous said...

I kind of agree with Sophie. People are part of our past for a reason, and in my 39 years of experience, I've learned (the hard way) it's best to keep them there. While your simple Email may be intended harmless, it might open a whole can of crap you're not prepared for. So unless you can specifically define the PURPOSE of making contact, better let things be. But as Sophie said, that's ultimately up to you.

Krystin said...

I just reached out to someone I cut ties with last year. We didn't have a major falling out or anything, but she was a "foul weather" friend. When things were going bad w/ her bf, she'd want to hang out. When they were good, she'd disappear. After making several efforts to get together, i finally unfriended her on Facebook and never looked back. Until last month when I sent her an email telling her I was sorry I unfriended her, just felt like I was getting blown off, and that I hoped she and her BF were doing well.

Next time I checked her page, I was locked out completely... can't even send messages anymore. That pretty much hurt. But she's done it to other friends (coincidentally all the friends who were around when she and the BF were not doing good- now all her friends are new friends who only know the "good times".

I say leave it alone...

Lee said...

I just looked back at your lasts posts about what happened with Melissa (and Law School) and I would leave it alone. It was really nasty, she did very nasty things to you and then tried to blame you.

I would leave it.

Jade said...

From what I recall of her and if I remember correctly, what she did to you was not only shady, but really effed up. She pretty much back stabbed you. I say don't bother. I doubt she's changed much. Save yourself from a headache.