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Sunday, August 28, 2016

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

4 comments:

http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

I hear ya. I am honest, intense, open and everything in between and I won't change who I am. I love who I am most of the time, and my friends do too.

I haven't been single for 7 years. I am in the process or a divorce but the whole dating world is scary. People don't want to date and just hang out anymore. They seem to want 1 thing, and 1 thing only.

Keep your chin up. I only saw what you look like once briefly but you are very pretty and one day the right man will come along. It really sucks waiting though.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog on and off for awhile, but I never really comment. Just wanted to say that you're awesome and you deserve a guy who's just as awesome. He's out there somewhere and you're going to find him eventually! Dating can really suck, and there's a lot of disappointment. At the same time, it should be fun! It's hard when you start to get in that desperate forever-alone mindset, but try to have hope anyway. We all have our moments.
Have you tried online dating? I know you've used Tinder, but what about OkCupid or something? (I'm Canadian, so not sure how popular OKC is down there) It's worth trying-- you never know.

Keep at it. There's no other choice really.

- Courtney <3

Roberta Barr said...

I get that feeling your having. I was there and honestly I am finally in a place where I am happy just being on my own. If someone came along to fill that space great but if not I am pretty ok with that. sure I miss all the things being in a relationship brings or being married brings but I have gone through enough pain and disappointment that I am ok with just being me and doing my own thing with my friends. Its hard some days but others I am just glad to finally get to do what I want when I want. The right guy is out there that can handle your life style and how you are in a relationship. I watched my best-friend struggle to find that guy for years as she is very independent and guys didn't like that with her they don't feel she needs them. I am happy to say at 32 she has finally found the guy that doesn't wait for her to need him he just jumps right in there and does it with her. I have faith it will happen for me and it will definitely happen to you. Just think of all those loosers are missing not being with you!!!

Bee said...

Kinda feel like me and you are living the same life! Im about to turn 30, focused on my career with no dating prospects insight. I come home to an empty apartment and all my friends are getting married and having babies. I just want to meet someone who likes me for me! Definitely hard and im trying to accept that I may be alone forever.