I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.