Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Damaged Goods

Well I start the new job tomorrow. I'm pretty anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to expect. I went shopping with Melissa yesterday to get some comfy pumps, and couple more things to add to my professional wardrobe. I didn't do anything last night, because Bethany, Tug, Summer and Ben were on a double date. :/
Usually Bethany and I do movie Mondays, but obviously that was a no-go. ((Sigh))
So I spent my last 2 free nights sitting at home, by myself, in my pajamas. And I was reading an old journal the other night, from 2002. And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems! And it's not that I was cheating with these other guys, but they were just around, to flirt with and make me feel wanted. I mean, how sweet is that! I was so…innocent, naive even, but so bold, unafraid, undaunted, and adventurous. And I wouldn't even say I was confident, I was just…fearless. And now…I've become so cautious, jaded, apathetic, ripped apart and beaten down that it's like…I don't even have the desire, or the drive to go out and find those things anymore. And I wish I did! I wish I could be like that again. How is it that in every relationship I've ever been in (save one), I always have to question the guy's feelings. He never calls when he says he's going to. Always makes me wait around, takes me for granted, treats me with indifference, doesn't express his feelings, verbally, or otherwise. They've all been the same. Disappointment after disappointment. I just want a guy to really love me, and not be afraid to show it. Not try to change me, or make me less of a woman, less independent, less of who I am, just to make himself feel bigger, stronger, better… Why does everything have to be a competition??? I'm not looking for competition. I'm looking for companionship. So what if we work together? Why do we have to be competitors? Why can't we just be coworkers? Friends? Why are men so selfish, inconsiderate, and egocentric?? Why do they have to act so spiteful and mean when they feel they've been bested. Who's even counting?? Why do they always feel like they have to trade up. Like there just might be something better out there. Not to sound narcissistic but, what could be better than me?? I have a lot to offer. I'm smart, unique, and fun. I like to go out do things, travel, laugh, be goofy. I don't get mad easily, and I'm not catty, and I don't like to play games. WHERE are the men who are looking for THOSE things??? And how come the ones who claim to be looking for those things, don't ask me out!? I can't help it if I'm intimidating! If I intimidate anyone, it's because I know who I am, and what I bring to the table. I don't do it intentionally. I'm not mean, or condescending, or patronizing. I'm accepting, and outgoing, and friendly. I'll talk to anyone! But apparently people are afraid to talk to me. ((Sigh))I'm tired of doing all the work. All the heavy lifting, the worrying, the texting, making all the plans…I want somebody to make plans with me for once. Invite me out to dinner, or something. Text me goodnight. Call me when he's thinking of me. I just want somebody to be crazy about me.And I want to go back to the way I was.Where is that girl??And who is this person I have become?? Has the world really shaped me into this hardened, skittish, bitter, cynical, pessimist??I really am damaged goods.I think I may be losing faith in humanity.


Jen said...

OK.. here's my 'un'offical shrink explaination. You said this: "And I just can't believe how…carefree and happy I was then. And even when I was having problems with my boyfriend at the time, which not surprisingly, are the same kinds of problems I still have with guys, it was like I had at least 2 other guys on the backburner to distract me from my current relationship problems!"

This is the difference. YOU were not out chasing guys. You let them chase you and if 1 upset you, like you said, you had 2 on the back burner to keep you occupied. You didn't sit and obsess about it or them (like you do with Brandon and his EVERY.. SINGLE.. MOVE/WORD/ATTITUDE..) You didn't let the arguments consume you, like you do now. You didn't LET *let is the key word there* 1 guy distroy your whole world. You acted as if you didn't NEED them to make you happy (like you did/do with Brandon). When I was younger my Grandmother told me this tidbit of advice about men; if you act as if you don't need, they'll want you more. When you act casual about men, they seem to react to that and strive for your attention. They'll call more, make plans with you in advance, etc.
Did you notice that when you started getting on with your life and going out and having fun with other ppl is when Brandon wanted to get back together? But then when you started asking HIM what he was doing, asking if he wanted to hang out is when he started acting weird and pulled away and hurt you again??

So this is my advice to you. Stop obsessing about men and what has happened. Go out and act carefree. People can pick up unspoken signals. Just b/c you may have a smile on your face, you may still be emitting resentment, fear, anguish.

Another piece of advice I got from my mom: WANT a man.. don't NEED a man, cause no one can make you happy but yourself.
Good luck :)

Karen said...

Wow that was some good advice, Jen...and so true. My new motto - Want a man, don't need a man.
Don't know how to top that Peyton except to say that hopefully in a few years you will look back on this time in your life and realize you had to go through this to get to where you will end up. Keep smiling and having fun the right guy will come along when you least expect it.

Anonymous said...

Pick yourself up woman! You are stronger than this. You are worth more than the value he has put on you. You are strong, smart and confident. The only problem you have is right now you are losing that confidence that is the difference between now and then. You are losing yourself in another persons perception of you and he is not worth it. You have survived a emotionally abusive boyfriend, you have survived your mother's cancer, you take care of yourself and make your own way. You need to stop with the self pity and start remembering who you are. And whether you have one or twenty guys around you is irrelevant. The only thing that matters and the only person opinion who really counts is your own. You may be losing faith in humanity but from what i have read you are losing more faith in yourself.
It's time to stop with the pitiful songs. It's time for you to fake it til you make it. Get up get out there and concentrate on the good not the bad!