Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.