Monday, November 9, 2009

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.


Anonymous said...

I think that you're a smart girl but.... you do sound and seem like you're acting like an obsessive ex, all you do is think about him and his new girlfriend, analyze everything and aren't even TRYING to take steps to get over him. Why is this guy even worth the time of day, let alone worth FIGHTING with? He doesn't care about you, so why waste you breathe caring about him? I know that it's not easy but acting like a sad pathetic puppy isn't getting you anywhere. It didn't before and it's not going to now. It's time to toughen up and change from a puppy into a bitch. Act like a woman, treat yourself with some respect and dust yourself off. This drama has been going on for months and you're only holding onto it because it keeps you close to him. It's sad and pathetic. Time to grow up and move on with your life. You know that you're capable of it so DO IT.
Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, I say this with kindness: He isn't worth your time, your heart or your sanity. Only you can give him the power to sink you into the abyss you are succumbing to on a constant basis. You know he doesn't want you. He doesn't deserve a bit of you. So stop giving him the satisfaction. Stop apologizing for your feelings. You are entitled to the way you feel, but you need to pick yourself up, girl. You need to give yourself a kick in your behind. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Stop doing this to yourself. Stop paying attention to him. Start caring about yourself.

RusticPoison said...

Believe me, you are not the only one. I know exactly how you're feeling.And though I'm not completely through it, it does get (atleast slightly) better with time.

Ginny said...

I've been in you shoes, I got depressed over a guy once, and i was in school, my grades slipped, I let my life fall apart. And now, I barely think of him. Its hard not to get depressed over a guy, just now that its normal feeling after a rough break up. Its okay to be sad/depressed. I find it helped to socalize, I know you dont want to, but its good to have people around you and TALK to someone about this who wont be judgemental and critical and say "just move on, he isnt worth it" when people say that, it makes me wanna scream. Its so much easier said than done. Just know this, Time heals all wounds, over time your pain will become dull until you barely remember him. I would cut him off your life, dont talk to him because the more you do, the longer the pain will last.

Anonymous said...

I think it's normal to feel a little bit obsessive after you break up with someone. It's hard to stop thinking about them. But personally, I would work really hard to not let him know about it. Why bother getting in fights with him? It makes you feel even worse. From everything you have written about him, he doesn't even seem to be worth having as a friend. He said he was going to delete your number? Delete his first, and don't do it half way. Don't write it down somewhere in case you need it again later. Delete it for good, it's the only way to stop yourself from trying to talk to him. Seeing him at work all the time is bad enough.
And as everyone else is saying and I'm sure you know.. focus on yourself for awhile. It will only keep getting easier.

Jen said...

I have to agree with the Anon. poster. This has gone on way too long. Get over it! Stop acting like your world was everything with him, cus frankly, while with him, your world was shit then too! You constantly complained about him, what he did or didn't do. GET OVER IT! You're not the 1st person in the world who fell for some dumbass guy and you won't be the last. Have you EVER thought that maybe he's just hanging around that new chick just for a piece and she's willing to take any attention he gives her? Maybe her self-esteem is so low that she'll deal with all his BS and flip-flop romance. But YOU! Are smarter than that. You told him what you wanted, he couldn't deliver, he's gone and it's for the best. WHY do you even love him? All you ever did was complain about him! Even from the begining he was a jerk. Personally, reading your blogs, I don't think that you are in love with him like you say or think you are. It sounds more like you are angry that you can't make him into what you want him to be and that's why you can't let go. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum b/c they don't get their way, you keep trying the same old crap over and over and nothing changes. You can't change him, stop trying! Stop putting yourself thru all the drama and BS and MOVE ON!

Peyton said...

Well Jen, I have to give you props for posting such a harsh comment under your name, instead of anonymously. However, I really don't need people yelling at me right now through my blog. Just like my obsessing isn't helping, neither is your judging. I have to deal with things my way. I don't think ANYONE can say it's easy to just cut someone out of your life who was once a central part of it. I need more time. And if you're so sick of my "complaining", you don't have to read my blog. No offense, but like I said, I have to deal with this my way.

Anonymous said...

Seriously.. move on. Have you ever heard the term "he's just not that into you"? I would say that applies here. He's a jerk.... get over him. And do yourself a favor, don't get over him by finding a new guy... that just makes you a serial dater and puts you with guys that don't want what you want. Get your life together, other things will fall into place when you finally do!!!

Autumn said...

Oh Love, I'm really sorry you're going through this way. I know people's comments can come across as harsh, but I really feel like its because they are trying to be helpful. First of all, you have made some really good steps with moving forward (new job, plans for Austin) etc. However, you are holding yourself back in some ways. I know that you can't control how you FEEL, but you can control your ACTION. And by continuing to work with him, you are making it worse. That is why you quit originally, remember! And. I know you already had the whole "slut" debate, but by calling that girl names, it really only makes you look bad. He is obviously being an ass too her, by either not being honest with her, or lying to everyone else. Either way its shady, yet you make it look like she is the one to fault. HE IS NOT A GOOD GUY WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS. He just is not. And if you don't want to know when he is with her, stop working with him! And you really need to stop picking fights and then apologizing. Really, you are being crazy at this point. This is not going to win him back. I know you love him, but please,please, please love yourself MORE. Just fake it till you make it. That is really going to be the only answer. Delete his number, stop seeing him, stop torturing yourself. What good will come from it? I'm not trying to negate your feelings, but you really can't let them control you.

Anonymous said...

I really think you need to anaylze why you choose these men who do not value or respect you and break the cycle.

K said...

I'm sorry you are going thru such a rough time. I'm not going to repeat what some of the others have said. You know he's not a good guy, you know he's moved on and never felt about you the way you felt about him. What you need to do now is take care of yourself. Smile thru the heartache. Don't let him know how much it's effecting you. If you can get another job and leave this one for good, you need to do that. Or maybe you can be scheduled when he won't be working?

Also, you might consider asking your Dr. if you he/she can refer you to a therapist. I have friends who have gone and it's helped tremendously. A therapist can help you talk thru the pain and figure out how to get strong again. Even if you can't see one, it can't hurt to tell your Dr. what's going on in your life and how it's causing you to fall into a depression.

Also, you need to surround yourself with friends... you need a support group. You need someone to call or text when you're at your lowest. That will really help.

Good luck, girl. I know you can get through this and you WILL be happy again. I promise! We've all been there.

Angie said...

I think Jen's comment sounds harsh because she is trying to help. Coddling you is not going to do you any good. It will just make you cry and think about everything more. I think you need to hear get up and get over it. It has been a long time. A really long time that you have known he was not the one for you. It really doesn't seem like you are trying. Have you thought about seeing someone a professional. You seem very depressed and to be honest it seems very extreme from what I have read about your relationship. It was less than a year no marriage, no kids, no talk of lifelong commitment. I think if you are still this depressed about it you need professional help.

Anonymous said...

In response to Jen's post and other anonymous posters whose comments you might think are harsh I actually think its the exact opposite. I don't think they were trying to judge you, in fact what they said is exactly what I would say to a really good friend of mine. A friend who I would let dwell in her sadness for awhile and deal with things her way but who when I saw was drowning from her sadness (which you explicitly said you were) I would tell her to snap out of it. Thats what you do with friends, when you see that they're hurting and they aren't able to get themselves out of it, you force them to. And that is clearly what you need, because like some people have said this has been going on for waaayy too long. You need to make a real commitment to getting over him, something that I don't think you've actually done yet. Either way I hope you feel better soon :) - jenelle

Anonymous said...

I bet if you didn't text him later saying you are sorry. he would have gotten in touch with you. You are going about it all wrong. He only wants what he can't have. And don't worry about the other girl, he is the same way with her as he was with you. Someone doesn't change overnight from one person to another. She may be sleeping with him at the moment but in a couple weeks maybe sooner maybe later she will be right where you are and if she isn't is because she didn't care about him either. she might just be using him like he is using her. Don't sweat it.

Jen said...

Peyton,I'm sorry you took my comment as yelling at you. It wasn't my intention. Like Angie said as well as the anon. poster after her,.. it's not being mean, it was tough love. I would say the same thing to my best friend if she was going thru this.
No, it isn't easy to cut someone out of your life. I went thru something similar and if it hadn't been for my best friend kicking me in the ass and telling me to shape up.. i still might be in a funk over it.
However, my situation was a little different. I was engaged to a great guy. God I loved that man. However, a wk before our wedding I was told from my bro who saw my fiance at a party, that my fiance was cheating on me. At first I was furious, then I thought.. ok.. maybe 1 last fling before we tie the knot. But when I started to inquire about the situation, I found out who he was cheating on me with. It was someone I knew.. so that hurt. But what hurt the most was that it was another GUY! I couldn't believe it! He never showed signs of being gay! So, we talked, screamed, cried.. and when it was all over.. I just couldn't marry him. So.. 3 days before the wedding, it was called off and we broke up. I never saw or heard from him again. Someone I truely thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, grow old with, the person i was marrying in 7 days was gone. THAT was hard.
But like I said.. thanks to my best friend that gave me some time to mourn the relationship finally got harsh with me and it helped a lot. She didn't baby me and feed my depression. She forced me to brush myself off and go back to the person I was before.
That's all I was trying to do to you. :)
I do wish you luck. I hope you can get past this quickly, and it doesn't make you apprehensive with other relationships.

Anonymous said...

You go girl Jen:) God bless you for standing up and moving on. At least Peyton wasn't even close to that point.

Everyone realizes you just helping her, she needs to see it for herself.