((Sigh)) I'm still miserable. I'm trying not to be. Aderall helps. And so does work, at least when he's not around, which is rarely. But I can't eat anything, and I can't sleep. I stayed up till 7:30am this morning. And now it's almost 6am...
I just know as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll start to cry again.
And tonight after work, I couldn't stop wishing he was here, because some creepy guy from my complex was bothering me. I was taking Jaspy out for a pee, at FOUR in the morning, and this guy just walks up to me, and stands right next to me, not really saying anything, just standing there! Jasper was barking at him, and the man got scared and backed off. Good old Jaspy! :) But when Jasper ran off to find some privacy, the man moved closer again.
But still, I was totally creeped out. And he's still out there, with one other guy. They were in the pool, just sitting in the chairs, drinking beer. But now, it's like they're right outside my door! I can still hear them.
I can't help but wish that Brandon was here. Then I'd feel completely safe. ((Sigh))
I just can't believe he could just...discard me that way. Without a second thought, or a backward glance. It hurts so bad.
Last night, I wrote a poem. I couldn't stop crying, so obviously, I couldn't sleep, and all these thoughts were just flying through my head, about our relationship, and how betrayed I feel, and just...everything. I couldn't make them stop. So I just...wrote them down.
And when I finished the poem, it was like I'd released something, you know? And I finally went to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I read the poem, and I thought... I want him to read this. I just...want him to have it. Even though it may be inconsequential to him, I just...need him to have this. Sort of like a closure type thing. I mean, I wrote for him, about him. And I figure, maybe someday, he'll look back, and he'll read it, and realize his mistakes. Whether or not that will work in my favor doesn't matter.
So I rewrote it, all nice, without all the scratchings, and I folded it up with a notecard that said,
I just...wanted you to have this.
Here is the poem. And nobody better plagiarize!!! Cuz I put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it.
You took a sudden hold of me
When I close my eyes, you're all I see
I breathe you in, you breathe me out
Will I never know what Love's about?
You disarmed me with your boyish grin
How easy I was taken in
But had I know what was to come
I'd tell myself to just be numb
What started innocent and true
A game of cat and mouse pursuit
A path unfurled, a light to follow
The ending twisted, dark, and hollow
A heart that beats, a heart that bleeds
A heart that wants, a heart that needs
An empty shell cannot receive
With empty words I was deceived
The time, the thought, the Love I gave
All for naught, lie in my grave
Because you took it all for granted
How'd you become so disenchanted?
I wanted you, I wanted me
But what I saw, you couldn't see
Blind with fear and self preserving
You pulled away, with force unswerving
You used me up, threw me away
And now I'm supposed to be okay
When everything I Love is lost
And I'm the one to pay the cost
They say that when you lose, you learn
To appreciate what you have burned
And now it's over, dead and gone
I've given up, I have withdrawn
I hope that this is what you wanted
I'm empty too; cast out, unwanted
How can you look at me and say
I loved you then, but not today?
I've decided to call it, Not Today.
So when I got to work, there he was, standing at the door. I dropped the envelope on the table in front of him, without saying a word, and walked inside. I peeked at him reading it through the window. When he finished, he folded it all back up, put it back inside the envelope, and put it in his back pocket. I hope he doesn't throw it away.
And I'm glad that he read it, because he must know, how raw I am; how exposed; how vulnerable. How he made me that way. As much as I appear to be strong, and mad, and indifferent on the outside, that poem is really how I feel.
And now he knows.
I have nothing left to say to him.