I finally gave up on trying to get hold of Brandon yesterday, so I emailed him. I put down in writing, everything I needed to say, so that I wouldn't forget any of it. This is what it said,
There's only so much I can take. I feel like I've completely let my guard down for you, totally opened my heart, and I've tried and tried to make you happy, and it's never enough. You never respond! I mean, what about MY happiness?? You're not being fair to me. Not calling me for 3 whole days?? I mean, I don't expect a lot from you, I really don't. But you give me nothing. You won't call me, you won't go anywhere with me, not even to a wedding.. You just let me sit here, and wonder why I'm not good enough, what I'm doing wrong. I overanalyze everything I do. I change everything about the way I act around you, because you don't like it. I see all these girls that you've been with, and they're all beautiful.. Am I not pretty enough? Why don't you ever want to have sex with me? Why don't you ever initiate ANY kind of physical contact with me??
I constantly feel insecure about our relationship, and the way you feel about me, because you never TELL me. You never SHOW me. You don't call, you don't miss me, you don't even like touching me. This completely breaks my heart, do you realize that?? Something isn't adding up. I want to know, point blank what you feel. I'm not asking for a proposal, this has NOTHING to do with the future, so don't even bring that up. It has to do with RIGHT NOW. The way you're treating me RIGHT NOW TODAY. If you don't want to be with me, then you need to tell me. Am I wasting my time loving you?? Quit stringing me along if you don't want me. And if you DO want me, start acting like it. Stop making me worry, stop making me cry. Just stop what you're doing, for like 5 seconds and think about me!! About MY feelings!!
How would you feel if I never wanted to do anything you were interested in? If I resented that you played golf? I have been so supportive and understanding, of your golf, your stupid illegal activities, your busy schedule, EVERYTHING! So why do you keep shitting on my feelings? It's not fair Brandon. It's not okay for me to put in 90% effort, and you to put in 10%.
You're hurting me. And just because I wrote you a "novel" that's no excuse for you to avoid me. I had something to say, and I needed to say it now, and of course, you wouldn't answer the phone, so I emailed you instead. We HAVE to talk about this. So PLEASE, call me.
((Sigh)) I hesistantly hit the sent button, because I knew that 1 of 2 things would probably happen.
1) He would freak out and then avoid me, which would inevitably lead to him breaking up with me, because he can't deal, or
2) He would feel guilty, realize what an ass he's been and try to work things out.
Number 2 was definitely wishful thinking on my part. He did try calling me while I was at work, but I couldn't answer. So I called him back when I got off, and he didn't answer. So I sent him a text, asking if he could stop by when he got off work so that we could talk. No response, and he didn't come over.
So today, I sent him a text, telling him he was being ridiculous, because he was gonna see me at work, and to please call me.
An hour before my shift, he finally called.
"I just can't do this anymore. It's not working." He said.
I sighed, "Is that you're reaction to every conflict? To just run away?"
"I'm not running away."
"Yes you are! You always do this, everytime I bring this stuff up."
"Well, I don't understand what the problem is, I didn't do anything."
"That is the problem. You don't do anything! You let me do all the work, Brandon! I mean I kinda thought that after 2 days of not talking, you might call your girlfriend and see what's up."
"Look, it's just not working. It was never working."
"What do you mean it was never working???"
"Well, I mean it was, maybe for you, but not for me."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean??"
"I'm just not...physically attracted to you."
"So it's true then. I'm not pretty enough!?"
"That's not what I said. You are attractive, I'm just not attracted to you. Or to anyone. It's just me. It's all me, not you."
"Oh good one. It's not you it's me? And you're just...suddenly not attracted to me?? Since when!? You must have been attracted to me at some point!"
"Look, it was just never real for me."
"Never real??? WHAT was never real? What is that supposed to mean? So you lied to me then?"
"I didn't lie to you."
"Apparently you were lying when you said you loved me, because if you really ever loved me, you wouldn't be telling me all this bullshit! Do you even know what the word love means?!"
"No! I don't! That's why it was never the same for me! Why do think I always laughed when you said it to me?"
"Then why did you say it!?!?! I didn't want you to say it unless you meant it! I can't believe you're saying this. I can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe you're sitting here giving me all these bullshit excuses for why you've wasted the last 10 months of my life!"
Tears were streaming down my face by this point.
"Well what did you want me to do, stay with you until I cheated on you??"
"NO! I want you to be fucking honest with me! If you were feeling this way, I wish you would have told me as soon as you felt it, not a couple months later!"
"So you're breaking up with me, because you're not attracted to me, and it was never real for you. So everything about our relationship has been a complete lie?!?"
"No, and I didn't say you weren't pretty enough! It's just...we're too different. We don't have...chemistry. I thought I would just give it a chance, and wait it out, but it's not working."
"You know what, there's really no point in continuing this conversation. I have nothing else to say to you. Just...leave me alone."
And I hung up the phone.
Keep in mind, this is a revised version of our conversation, which I obviously can't remember word for word. And I'm probably subconsciously blocking some parts out.
I broke down in hysterics immediately afterward, racked my brains for a good enough excuse to call into work, and then I took a deep breath.
I can't call into work. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
I inhaled another ragged breath, and sat down at my mirror. I squirted practically an entire bottle of Visine in my eyes, and put anti-puff cream on. I wasn't going to show up to work looking like I'd been balling my eyes out. And I made sure I looked damn good.
When I got to work, I told everyone what happened. What's the point in pretending? I mean, I want everyone to know what he said to me. What his stupid, bullshit reasons were. I want everyone at work to know how much he fucked me over. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, with everyone knowing. And I wanted him to be the jackass, not me.
((Sigh)) My shift was long, and miserable. I had to work behind the same bar with him, and I even had to watch him flirt with girls.
You know, he actually told me he wanted to see other people. If I find out he already met someone, or he starts dating some girl in the near future, I'm going to flip my shit.
I can't believe that kiss I gave him when I left for my piano lesson is the last kiss we'll ever have. I can't believe its over. I feel like I'm just a complete failure! I've never been broken up with so badly. And I can't even believe how mean he was. He's not physically attracted to me?? It wasn't real??
Then what was it?
And if it wasn't real, why am I so broken hearted?
Why am I always the one who gets shit on?