Tuesday, January 5, 2016

I Have a Plan

Things are starting to feel more normal for me. Partly because I'm back on my anxiety meds, which I stopped taking when Lane was here because of all the boozing we were doing, and partly because the sun is out and shining again. We had several weeks of dreary, rainy weather, and I think I suffer a bit from seasonal depression. So sunshine helps. But mainly, I think it's because things seem back to normal with Lane and I. We are talking regularly again, just like we used to. So yes, I was probably just doing what I always do and overanalyzing/overreacting.
But I've also done a lot of thinking. I started asking myself those hard questions some of you mentioned. Why am I unhappy? What do I think would make me happy? How do I go about doing the things that will make me happy?
A lot of that revolved around Lane, but a lot of it revolves around just me, obviously. I feel stuck. Like I haven't accomplished much in the last year, which is rubbish really, because I know that I have accomplished a lot photography-wise. But it isn't enough. I want to be better. I want to be more desireable to a company. And of course, I need to be more stable financially. I don't want to pull away from things due to fear. I talked with Izzie a lot about the Lane situation too, and we got way ahead of ourselves of course, but she said that's important for women to do. To think way ahead. And maybe she's right! Who knows. What I do know is that my plan is to try to go to visit Lane in March, around Spring Break cuz he should have time off from the university he works at. And if things are still going well at that point between us and we haven't lost touch, and all the chemistry and feelings are still there, then I will talk to him about dating/living in the same city. And see what he says.
I was freaking out about the idea before because initially it was like, Well I have to tell him how I feel, and see if he's into it. And then we'd have to get over the obstacle of living in different states. And that got me thinking about moving to California and how expensive it is and, What would I do there? And how would I afford to move? And where would I live? Etc. etc... And those questions were just swimming around and around in my head, and I kept checking myself like, WHY are you even worrying about this?! This is all conjecture! But then I thought, You know what, I wanna know if I can do this. I'm gonna do some research. So I did! And I can do it. I know a guy in the photo circuit there who could put me in touch with some publications, and in the meantime, there are tons of well-paying real estate photo gigs. I have plenty of experience in that. And I could always bartend until I got on my feet. There's also a couple affordable neighborhoods right outside of LA, I'd just need a roommate or 2. No big deal. The biggest obstacle, I think, would be finding a place that allows both my pets. But it's doable.
So I have a plan. Sort of. And step one of that plan is to just play it cool with Lane, not say anything to him just yet about my feelings, just...maintain the relationship, see if it grows, and plan a visit.
We've been talking the past 2 days about our respective futures, career-wise. And both of us feel kinda stuck in a rut, and we've been commiserating/offering each other advice. And we both agree that we need to step out of our comfort zones a bit, and not be afraid to make big/strange/uncomfortable life moves. And for me, that could mean going to California, who knows! I know he's mostly concerned with his career, but I know what I wanna do. That isn't the thing that's missing in my life. But at least after that conversation, maybe the idea of me moving there won't come as a huge shock to him should I suggest it.


Anonymous said...

So how's everything going?

Anonymous said...

I know this post is from last week, and it's probably too late, but just in case you go back over them, here is my 2 cents:

You have horrible anxiety, and it seems impossible for you to just let things unfold. But that is exactly what you have to do. Let things happen. You talk, skype, email, etc. Then he visits and you have fun. Then repeat the talk, skype, etc. Then you visit him.

During this time, YOU DO NOT talk about moving, loving, melding lives! You explore each other and get to know each other. That is ALL you do. You are not allowed to think you are in love with someone you haven't spent crazy amounts of in-person time with!!! Slow the eff down, girl.