Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year...I Hope

The past few days were a total whirlwind...of fun, of romance, of a happiness and satisfaction I had almost forgotten I could even feel. And even though I know I should feel grateful and happy about that experience, all I feel now is the most profound sense of loss and sadness because that time is over now, and he's gone. It was just so wonderful to feel a part of something that wasn't just me. To be not alone. But having experienced that after so long, has just made my sense of loneliness now even more acute. I just feel so full of all the things I wish I had done or said. And I'm worried that I may always wonder what could have been. A part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks I might be in love with him, but that's too terrifying to admit, and the fact that I don't really know how he feels about me, just makes everything all the more confusing. The truth is, that despite the odds, and the distance between us, in age and geography, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. At least to give it a shot. I was uncertain of that before, but now I know. I'm just so scared to tell him how I feel, because I know that in taking that plunge, I have to be prepared to hear the response I don't want. And that would break my heart. And for the sake of myself, I'd have to take a huge step back from all this. Maybe not talk to him at all, which would be nearly impossible, and also could mean would I be losing a great friendship.
I feel so stupid and naive, because I knew this would likely not end well. It's dangerous to look forward to something so much, knowing it's only fleeting. I knew that I should keep my feelings out of it, but I couldn't do that, and this is all on me. I'm such a fool.
Sophie says I should talk to him. I talked with her about it this morning, as I was crying on my way home from dropping Lane at the airport. She said, "Well, you can see a way that it would work and you obviously want that, so you should tell him. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be in this limbo because you're afraid of not getting what you want so you're willing to settle for whatever he's willing to give. And investing a lot into it and then feeling this way. You can speculate all you want, but you won't know anything real unless you talk to him."

I know she's right, I have to talk to him. But he's actually in the air right now, and I think I'm gonna give it a couple days. Neither of us had much sleep in the last 3 days, and there was a lot of alcohol and sex happening, which can leave anyone feeling pretty raw. Like coming down from a 3 day high. It's rough. And I don't think I'm capable of keeping my emotions in check right now, since all I've been doing is intermittently crying and sleeping all day.
I'm worried for myself about what this could possibly do to me. When did I become such a fragile person, that 3 days with one guy could transform me from a relatively stable, not necessarily happy, but...comfortable just being single person, to a total love-sick train wreck?


http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

Alright darlin, i am going to give you some advice. I am not known here for mincing words so i will do my best.

You do need to talk to him, but not the way you talked to him last time, and not by text, fb, or email.

This here is pretty much what i would say if i were you (and it must be by phone).

Wait the 3 days, then be like hi Lane, blah blah blah. Then say i had the most amazing time when you were here. It blew my expectations out of the water. I know you don't want a long distance relationship and neither do i in the end but how about we try this out and see if we can make it work? I would be willing to move after a while if it did work out so that it wouldn't be long distance. Leave it at that for the heaviness. If you add too many feelings in the next couple months you would just push him away.

If he is up for it, do not move in with him if you did move out that way. Get your own place, do your own thing and learn to date in the same city.

I want this to work for you, you deserve to have love. I think it would do amazing things for your confidence. I think you need some help though to deal with your neediness. You do not want to project that. It is how you have ruined things in the past. You want everything on the table immediately and most people just aren't ready for that.

I do not remember much about lane, or the age difference. Is it much??

Nic said...

You have to tell him. If you get the response you don't want to hear, your heart will be broken but you can move on. Don't settle for what's he's willing to give, settle for what you deserve. Now you stay stuck in this mixture of feelings which is getting you nowhere.

What if he says what you hope he says?