Then of course, I couldn't sleep cuz I was just laying there, thinking about him. I sort of ruminated on it for a couple days, and then finally I had so many thoughts, I decided I'd just send him an email and get it all out. So I jotted down a buncha stuff late one night and then went to sleep. Another day or so later, I took all those thoughts I had jotted down and structured them so they made sense, and I sent Lane the email. Here it is...
Ok, so DISCLAIMER!!! I’m gonna be really, really blunt and honest. Probably too much so, but at this point, I feel like it can’t get any worse, so I might as well for ONCE IN MY LIFE say exactly what I’m actually thinking to a guy.
To further explain why I sorta ghosted you over the last couple weeks…
I’m disappointed about the last conversation we had, for a few reasons. The obvious being that I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, another reason being I don’t think I was SURE exactly what I wanted at the time, so I probably wasn’t very clear, and finally, because all those things I was trying not to think about, and yet still daring to hope for, like the long distance thing, you basically told me that you’d be willing to do those things, just not with me. Ouch. At that point in the conversation, I was basically like “well fuck it, I’ll just tank this right now”, which led to me getting drunk and saying all that shit I said. I did it subconsciously on purpose, because I figured…I dunno. If I never speak to you again, it might as well be my fucking fault.
The thing is, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I didn’t WANT this happen. The feelings. I’ve had weekend flings with out of towners before and it was fun and light. And then they left and we both got on with our lives. No big deal. And it’s obvious to me now, that that is all you wanted, and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to go beyond that myself. I just wasn’t prepared for what DID happen.
So last time we talked, when I told you how I felt, you said you like me too, BUT… Everything always has a “but” attached to it. I expected you to say that, pretty much. The distance is too far for a relationship, it’s unrealistic, yada yada… What I didn’t expect was for you to say that yea, you’d do a long distance thing if it was worth it, but you just don’t have the time/inclination/desire to try that with me. As much as that stung, I can’t blame you, because I’ve been where you are now.
It’s just that all that stuff about me wanting you to ask me to move to LA so I could say no…? I still don’t understand that. Is that some sort of game people play? Because if I thought someone was gonna ask me to do something for them that I had no desire or intention of doing, I would NOT want them to ask me. I would either make it known to that person in some way that I wasn't into it so that they wouldn't ask, or I would avoid the topic all together. I wouldn’t WANT them to ask. That makes no fucking sense to me. But the craziest part is, if you really WERE to ask me to move to LA, I don’t think I WOULD say no. I mean I wouldn’t say OMG YES! and just hop on the next plane, but I would consider it. So, there it is. I’m just a pathetic dummy for thinking or considering ANY of these things because it’s obviously so completely fantastical.
You are clearly in a different place than I am right now. Your priorities are all about you. And the more time I spent thinking about that, the more I realized how foolish I was being, and the more I realized that our relationship is a bit one-sided. We talk about you, your career, your dreams, etc, most of the time. And when we talk about me, it’s always in relation to you or your situation. I am a very supportive loyal person by nature (if I’m friends with you) so it’s my inclination to want to help and encourage people. But what I DON’T want to be is used or taken for granted. I don’t want to just be that person you call when you’re feeling lost or shitty about your life, or need advice, like some sort of emotional cheerleader, or when you're drunk or just horny, while I’m having all these feelings that I keep to myself because I’m worried that A) you don’t reciprocate them and B) if I talk about them, it’ll scare you off or whatever.
I basically just decided that right now, I need to not talk to you, because I need to not think about you. Because thinking about you makes me frustrated and sad. Even though our time together when you were here was very brief, it still felt like a loss when you left, because going back to my life the way it was before, suddenly felt like this giant gaping suckfest. I just need some time to get over it. And I will. And then we can go back to being friends.
I hope you enjoyed this short story. Feel free to respond. Or not.
That was last night. And he responded within the hour with this...
This is great! I'm really glad you wrote this out. I hear you, sincerely, and I get it.
My intention wasn't to imply I would do it for anyone else. I did it once, back in the day. It was a surprising amount of drama that I don't want to revisit. I failed to communicate to you what I want and don't think I really understood what you want. I don't think I realized the gravity of the conversation we were having.
So I wholeheartedly respect your desire not to talk for a while. I liked what we had, though it sounds like it may have been selfish and toxic to continue, so should you want to revisit bantering and whatnot, I'll be here. And if not, it was a really fun weekend and I'll remember it fondly.
Before I make this worse, as is my tendency, I just want you to know that if you ever want to call me (not text) about this or anything else personal or vulnerable, don't be afraid to do so.
You're great. As cynical as I can be, I really do believe that everything works out.
Soooo that's that! It's done. Izzie says she hates him for breaking my heart, and Sophie says he seems very detached. Either way, it's not happening. And I feel less...just less. I feel less about it.
Now for the GOOD NEWS!! I am fostering a litter of puppies and their mama for a few weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave their mama and they can all be adopted! There are 6 puppies, and mama is a mini poodle. The puppies are obviously mixed with a larger breed though. They all look so different! They're 5 weeks right now, and can't be adopted till they're 8 weeks. I've been so blissed out with them, despite how much work it is. I've got one in my lap right now. He just woke up from napping on my chest. :) Sooo, in short, puppies make everything better! :)