Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Worst Possible Situation EVER.

Ok... A lot of you are asking questions, so I'll explain what happened. First off, Jayme is a friend of mine who works at the shot bar. I've mentioned her here before. She and Summer used to be best friends. She's got huge fake boobs, and bleach blond hair, and she's a playboy-esque model. TOTALLY NOT the type of girl that I EVER thought Todd would go for. Which really hurts... But this is what happened.

Almost right after I posted yesterday, I got a text from Jayme. This is our conversation.

J: Hey call me when u get a free minute
Me: Well that won't be till 4ish. Why? What's up?? Tell me!!

Jayme rarely sends me texts, and we don't hang out much these days, so I had no clue what this was going to be about

J: Lol nothing really... Todd came into my bar the other night and got my number and we hung out last night.. I have always been under the impression y'all are best friends but I wanted to be sure because he wants to take me out again tomorrow.. And we talked about y'alls relationship and he told me y'all are like family and whatnot so I figured y'all really are just best friends but I didn't want to step on anyones toes if there was anything else going on. I'm sure I'm just paranoid but I wanted to come and ask u if it was cool with u if I hung out with him and what u thought about it.. Everyone says y'all are best friends and he said u were like a sister so I just wanted to be sure! Tell me what u think...

At this point all the blood had rushed to my face, I couldn't breathe and I was trying really hard to not start crying.

Me: Um...wow. Well honestly I have feelings for him, I just never told him, bc I didn't know how. But um...I don't know what to say.
Me: The truth is I've been in love with him for 2 years, but he's always had a gf. I really can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

J: Ooooooh really??? Ok I won't hang out with him.. He told me y'all were like family so I had no idea.. I'm sorry.. I will stop talking to him!
J: Oh my gosh Peyton I'm sorry... We didn't do anything, just had dinner and some drinks.. I won't talk to him.. I had no idea

Me: Well...now I don't know what to do! He's gonna know its bc of me. I don't wanna tell you not to hang out with him. An if he thinks of me as a sister, that's certainly not good...((sigh))
Me: What did you ask him about me?? I didn't even know you were single. What are you gonna do/say to him??

J: Well he just called me and we talked about it for a minute.. He wants u to call him when u get off work...

Me: PLEASE tell me you didn't tell him!!
Me: JAYME! TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID! I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! Don't say anything else to him about me!

J: Well we were talking about the situation and he said he already knew... He said you've had friends ask him what he thinks about u and stuff and he said you've hinted you've wanted to go on a date... I told him that this was awkward because I thought he thought of y'all as family (like a sister) and he said yes that's what he's always thought but that I guess recently you've tried to find out what he thinks of u...? or something...? anyways, I told him I thought u had some feelings for him and wasn't sure we should continue to talk and he got a little upset and said he wanted to see me again and I just don't know what to do.. And I don't want to hurt u and I've been single for about a month...
J: He said he needs u to call him so y'all can talk about all of this. I'm gonna stay out of this.. I really don't want drama and that's why I was making sure y'all were really "like family" so I won't talk to him until he tells me what is happening and then I'll go from there.. I'm not about to start a relationship with anyone anyways.. Seriously we just hung out for a couple of hours yesterday.

Me: Well honestly I never asked any friends to do any of that, so I really don't know who's been saying stuff to him. And I never said anything about a date bc we're just FRIENDS! And you CAN tell him that. I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I'm not going to call him. You can go out with him tomorrow, whatever, I don't care.
Me: I always respected him, and the fact that he was in a relationship and never tried to HINT that I liked him cuz I didn't want him to know! Are you on the phone with him again? cuz now I'm hurt, upset and PISSED. Not at you just...I wish I knew where he was getting this information from.

J: No I'm just running a bunch of errands, sorry. You aren't going to call him..? You sure you don't care I see him?

Me: Yes I care, Jayme. I feel like absolute shit, but I'm not gonna dictate who he can or can't see. I'm sitting in my cubicle trying to make it till 4 without bursting into tears!! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. But do what you want. Todd likes you, go for it. He's a great guy, who I obviously don't deserve.
Me: And if you tell him any of this I will murder you in your sleep.

Then Todd sent me a text: Hey call me when you get off work.

I didn't respond. At 4 o'clock, I literally ran out of my office. Todd tried to call me. I didn't answer. As soon as I got in the car, I called Jayme. No answer.

So I texted her.

Me: Can you please call me?? Cuz Todd just tried to call me, and I don't wanna talk to him until I know exactly what is going on.

J: Peyton, this is between y'all, not me. Please leave me out of this.

Me: I know that! I just wanna know exactly what you said to him.

I tried calling her again. Still no answer.

Me: Jayme. Seriously? You can't avoid me forever. I'm not mad, I just need to talk to you. This is really important.

J: Ok. Give me 5 minutes.

Then finally, I talked to her.

She said he went into the shot bar Saturday night, before he came to my bar, and she gave him her number. Then they hung out Sunday night, after we all went out to eat. And yesterday he flew out to make a speech somewhere, but he said he was flying back Tuesday to take her out again. And she told him the thought I might have feelings for him, and she felt awkward and didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt my feelings. And then he told her that she would be hurting his feelings if he didn't go out with her, because he thought they had a "real connection". WHAT!?? Ugh... Of course, this is all from Jayme's mouth, not his. And all the while this was going on, he was calling me, and calling me, and calling me. But I just couldn't bring myself to answer because I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him. I'm still not!
So Jayme said that she thinks I should call him, and that he really wants to talk to me, cuz I'm his best friend, blablabla... But I told her I just can't. Not yet. And I made Jayme promise that she wouldn't tell him we had talked, or anything I said. And she agreed. And I told her she would have to go out with him because otherwise he would know it was because of me.

After I got off the phone with Jayme, I called Izzie. She and I had been google chatting at work while all this was going on, so she was caught up on the story. She told me not to talk to Todd until I was calm. Because I wasn't obligated to answer his phone calls, and I was clearly in no fit state to talk to him. He was still trying to call me when I was on the phone with her, so I texted him saying I was on hold with the cable company and couldn't click over, but if he was calling about Jayme, I didn't care if he went out with her, and I didn't know what Jayme had told him I'd said, but Jayme's a bit on the dramatic side, and I really don't care.

Obviously that was a boldfaced lie, but I just wanted him to stop calling!
He texted me back asking me to call him when I got off the phone. But I never did, obviously.

I turned off my phone after that. My mom came over, and we talked about it. She said she knows I've liked Todd for a while now, but it's not the end of world, blablabla...usual mom stuff. But she doesn't know how I really feel about him.

I just didn't want it to happen this way. I wanted to tell him when I was ready! And not because of JAYME. ((Sigh)) Now he's telling Jayme he already knew I liked him, which when I think about it it's like...well if he knew I liked him, then why would he go off and try to date one of my friends!?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I've just been dumped, before I ever even got a shot with Todd. I just...can't take this anymore. It's like no matter what I do, I can't make things right. Everything is always screwed up. And I've never met a guy as great as Todd, and I don't know if I ever will, and for me to be with anyone else would feel like settling. Am I just not deserving enough to be loved by someone I deem worthy?? It's always just rejection. Every guy I've ever cared about has disappointed me in some major way. I just don't wanna do this anymore. I've never felt so heartbroken before because...not only am I in love with him, he's my best friend.

I woke up this morning, still feeling like shit, but with a little resolve. And when I got to work this morning, I wrote Todd an email. I haven't sent it to him yet, but I'm going to. Here it is...

"Ok, I don't really know where to begin, so this might just sound like a bunch of rambling. But I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday, I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and I turned my phone off.

First of all let me say, that your friendship means more to me than anything else, and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize that. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I can call true friends, who I can really count on. But I've always considered you a true friend, and as such, I want you to be happy, and I have always put your best interests ahead of my feelings.

That being said, my feelings for you are really...complicated. And I never meant to have this conversation with you in this way. I wasn't even sure if I would ever say anything to you about it. And just for the record, I never asked any of my friends to ask you about me, I don't even know who it was. And I never tried to hint anything to you about us dating, because I didn't want you to know how I felt. I wasn't even sure how I felt! And you were with Laura, and I respected that, and would never do anything to undermine that. Anytime that I asked you to hang out or go do something, I meant it to be JUST AS FRIENDS. The thing is, you are my best friend, and I know you're a good person. You're smart, and honest, and genuine, and I respect and admire you a lot. So I guess when you look at it that way, it's not really any surprise that my feelings for you grew into something more. But again, I wasn't really planning on saying anything, or acting on it, because I didn't feel the time was right, and I had absolutely no idea how you felt about me, and I didn't want to make things awkward between us. I was being honest when I told you I think you need to be single for a while. I wasn't saying that because I had some sort of ulterior motive, and I just wanted you to break up with Laura so I could have you for myself. And I hope that's not what you think. Because in my mind, our friendship comes first, and I always try to be honest with you, and tell you what I really think.

Which brings me to my next point. When Jayme texted me yesterday, it really caught me off guard. The first thing I thought was, why didn't you mention anything to me about it? If you were interested in one of my friends, why not tell me?? And I'm not sure what Jayme said to you about me, but I'm assuming she told you I had feelings for you, because she told me you said you "knew" I had feelings for you. And if that is actually the case, and you assumed I did have feelings for you, then why would you date one of my friends?? Because that seems kind of fucked up.
I'm not trying to tell you who you can or can't date. It's not my business, and if you like Jayme, go for it. But I am honestly not comfortable with that, and if you want to continue seeing her, I'm just going to remove myself from the picture completely for a while. Not because I'm angry with you, or with her, I just think it's weird. And I'd rather not hang around with the elephant in the room.
Under any other circumstances, as your best friend, I would feel obligated to tell you everything I know about Jayme, so that you could take what I know and make an informed decision about her. But since we are in this situation, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to say anything to you about her. And you're smart, so I trust that you'll figure it out on your own. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

There are a lot of things that have been swimming around in my head lately, and since I'm already on this tangent, I may as well tell you, that I worry a lot about you, and our friendship. Because like I said before, it means a lot to me. And your life has changed so much in the past year, for the best, but I know how overwhelming it can be. I'm just afraid that I'll wake up one day and you'll be this different person that I don't know anymore. And I really don't want that to happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because it's like your...new found fame, or whatever you want to call it, is this big thing that gets in the way of our friendship. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean...I don't want you to think I'm some starsucker who just wants to use you, or exploit you because of what you now have. Most of the time I just wish things could go back to normal. But I'm so happy for you, and I know you deserve everything, I just don't really know how to act around you sometimes these days. And that's another reason why I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything to you about my feelings, because I didn't want you to think I just suddenly decided I liked you because you're in the NFL. This is something that has slowly come into fruition over a period of time.

Just know that it is really important to me that I don't lose your friendship. And I don't want you to not see Jayme because of me. Don't worry, I'm used to guys liking my friends by now. Hopefully this clears everything up for you. If you still wanna talk you can write me back or call me after 4."

I'm about to send the email. I don't know what else to do. I guess I won't be going to his party on Saturday after all. I just can't bear to be around him if he's dating one of my friends. And I think it's kind of shitty of Jayme to act like she would stop talking to him for me, but obviously she wasn't expecting me to tell her I liked him. And she doesn't actually care. I just don't see what Todd see's in her. It worries me! This is the first sign of him turning into a famewhore! Big breasted, cheap, easy blonds, who take half naked photos of themselves and post them on facebook! Ugh... He is so much better than her! I mean, don't get me wrong, Jayme is nice, and she's fun, but... She has NO education. She has a 4 year old DEVIL CHILD, she sleeps around, she doesn't really have any self-respect or dignity, everything she wears is like...BOOB CENTRAL! HELLO!!?? and the caliber of men she normally dates is just...ASSHOLES. BIG, DOUCHEY, COCKY, ASSHOLES. ((Sigh))
All my feelings for Todd aside, I like Jayme, but I do NOT like her for my best friend.
I hope Todd realizes this sooner than later. I really do.


Karen said...

wow peyton so sorry u r going thru this...ur letter sounds perfect to me...i am proud of you for putting ur feelings out there like that...did want to say that jayme sounds just like any rebound girl my guy friends have had after a long relationship and they never last, most guys are just looking for a fun hot girl that makes them feel good after a breakup...just sayin

Anonymous said...

wow, sorry to hear you are going through this...but your letter is really good and states the facts as they are...good for you...now you need to take some time to find you and enjoy being single...don't worry about finding a relationship and DON'T settle...when it's right, you'll know

Anonymous said...

Oi. That really sucks. I find it sad that everytime someone goes out with someone you like or hae been with (Brandon, Todd now) you find the need to bash the girl he's with. "and the caliber of men she normally dates is just...ASSHOLES. BIG, DOUCHEY, COCKY, ASSHOLES. ((Sigh))" Isn't that the type of guys you date, too? Sure seems like it. She at least approached you, but she doesn't owe it to you to severe ties with people just because you have feelings for someone. After all, he does just see you as a sister. I thought it was really low of you to warm him about her without explicitly saying what you meant. You bashed her without specifics, and knew that Todd would probably be wondering what you meant. To be honest, at this point and time, maybe you're just not right for Todd. You seem a little too bitter for him.

Adriana said...

::HUGS:: im sorry. its a totally shitty way to have to tell todd the truth. and a shitty situation in general.

like karen said, chances are jayme's just a rebound chick. hopefully todd'll snap out of it, and SOON.

Don't be negative! you are an amazing young woman! you'll find the right guy. it could be todd - it could not be. you never know what life has in store for you, so i say allow yourself to feel like this for, say a week. or until the weekend. and then force yourself to go out, have a good time, and have fun. and not worry about it. and then slowly it won't feel so much like pretending. remember how much you cared about brandon? and how you were so sad after you guys broke up? and now you are SOOOOOO over that loser? well, it'll just take some time.

hopefully if todd's as good of a guy as you say he is, your friendship wont be as affected by this revelation.


Anonymous said...

wow. i am really sorry that you are going through this. i know it must be really hard, but i have to say i don't agree with you a hundred percent. first of all, it's not that weird if todd wants to date one of your friends because he doesn't owe you anything. he isn't your boyfriend. you never even had that conversation. in fact, maybe he should set you up with one of his friends. second of all, this jamye girl also doesn't owe you anything. it sounds like you two aren't that close of friends so it was nice of her to even clear the air. besides, i think karen is right. he probably IS mostly interested in just hooking up with her not a real relationship. i also think made this waaay more dramatic and made yourself look like the crazy clingy person again. i would have NEVER gone into all that detail with jayme if she isn't a close friend, especially since it is only going to get back to todd. and as for the email with todd, i think that was a big mistake. LEARN TO HOLD BACK A LITTLE. guys DO NOT want to know every single little emotion and thought that you have regarding them, especially when you AREN'T IN A RELATIONSHIP. you honestly are making it worst for yourself.
i don't mean to be harsh. i really was routing for you and todd. i just think you keep getting in your own way with guys. you invest waaaay to much waaay to early, and you are way to forthcoming when it isn't time for it. guys like a little mystery and a little hard to get. most of all, they hate drama which you keep creating. sorry for the hard words, i really hope things work out!

Jen said...

I happen to think like the others.. Todd's probably just going for a rebound chick. Someone he wouldn't, under normal circumstances, want to be with. Someone he doesn't see a relationship with, but rather someone he can have a no strings attached sexual relationship with. It'll probably will never turn into a real relationship. Just someone he can screw, and won't have to worry about the 'relationship' part of it. More like a wham-bam-now-get-dressed-and-leave-now-ma'am thing.

I'm not saying that makes him a bad person at all. A lot of ppl (including girls) do that once they get out of a pretty serious relationship. I really would try not to sweat it too much.. easier said than done, I know. But really.. it's probably just a sex thing. Something he doesn't want to do to you b/c you ARE such good friends. He could never live with himself if he used you like that. But since he barely knows her, she's easy game (pun intended?? haha)and he won't feel like a total and complete ass afterwards.

Think of it this way.. at least YOU aren't the rebound chick. At least you're not going to be the 1 he ditches after a few nights of sweatin' between the sheets. Walking away feeling used and thrown away once he got what he wanted.

In the end.. you'll still be in his life and she probably won't. Try to keep your chin up. :)

Jadeny said...

I'm sorry this is playing out this way, but I have to agree with some of the things the anonymous posters said. I think the email was probably a bad idea. You should have just answered the phone and spoke to him. He is your best friend after all. It seems to me that your reaction may have been a little more dramatic then necessary. I also don't think he shouldn't date her because you like him. Seeing as he is just out of a long annoying relationship, maybe he is just looking to hook up. Who knows, they may have gone out one or two more times before he would have just been bored. I hope this all works out however you want it to. Thanks for writing and putting yourself out there for us too. I know how hard it can be especially in times like this.

Anonymous said...

I do feel sorry for you and I truly hope you feel better. Maybe this talk with Todd will help clear things up and give you a clearer direction about the future. However I have to agree with some about that email - I don't ever find it really appropriate to vaguely insult someone (which is what you're doing in your email to Todd about Jayme) yet not fully tell them why. Either tell him fully or don't tell him, but it's low to vaguely refer to something and then pretend as if you're not. Also, I don't possibly know how good of friends with Jayme you can be after all of the horrible things you said about her, simply because I would never view a real friend like that, and thus I actually don't think Todd dating her is that big of a deal, b/c she seems more of like an acquaintance/friend than an actual friend. That being said I truly do hope you feel better and that you and Todd have talked.


Anonymous said...

oh but also just to add, even though it may seem like it now, if things between you and Todd don't develop romantically, there are definitely other amazing wonderful guys out there who will love you. Sometimes it just takes time, and when you feel like you've just gone through a rejection that future never seems possible. Either way stay positive! :)


Anonymous said...

dude, that email was not that bad. you needed to get that off your chest and that was the best way for you to do it. he needed to know and hear it too. if he's a true friend he will truly understand that you're coming from a loving place. and you don't create a whole bunch of drama. i know the type of girls you're around. we're also the same age, this is being young and single.
plus, i think that we're a lot alike in the sense that we get along better with guys (not bc they are drooling over us and we like the attention but bc they're chill), yet we still want some good gals, even though they can be so frustrating.
in short, don't stop blogging and don't let people's comments get to you or affect your actions.


ps-that Jayme girl sounds shady. pull her extensions out. (im assuming she has some cheap ass ones bc she sounds real cheap)

Jen said...

Hahahah kate! That was funny!

Peyton, I personally think it was wise to write him an email. Talking to someone either face to face or over the phone is difficult and sometimes you don't get to say everything you wanted. They either interupt you and you get off the subject, or you just simply forget to say everything. Plus, it helps to keep your thoughts more organized when you write it out and can re-read it. I know, personally, when I'm upset about something and talk to that person about it, sometimes my thoughts become all jumbled and they walk away totally and completely confused and the situation never gets resolved.

Have you heard anything from him since you sent it?