Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Tough Love

So last night, right after I got in bed of course, I get a text from Bethany that says, "I'm moving in ;)" and I'm like, FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

So I call her, just...completely frustrated and exasperated. I just wanted to go to sleep!
So I'm like, "Look, I really don't think you moving in here is a good idea."


I sighed, "Because of a lot of things that we need to talk about I just didn't wanna bring it up before, because you had so much other stuff going on, and I didn't wanna pile anything else on your plate."

"I gotta go." She said quickly and hung up.

Whatever! I thought, and I laid back down and pulled the covers up over my head.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang. Bethany.

"Ok so...why don't you think it's a good idea that I move in with you?" She asked in an accusing tone.

"Because, lately I've been feeling like this is a one-sided friendship! As soon as I started this new job, it was like you just...replaced me with Summer! And I'm not jealous of Summer or anything, it's just... No one ever calls me anymore, nobody returns my phone calls, you guys are always doing stuff, and I never know what's going on. And it's like...you don't even care what's going on in my life! And I mean, after I took you to the game, I never saw you or heard from you again, it was like you didn't even appreciate it! And then I go all this time without hearing from you, and as soon as you break up with Tugg and you need me to be there for you, then you start calling me again."

"Ok, first of all, I did thank you, several times while we were there, for taking me to the game. And you were talking shit about me, right in front of my face, to your mom on the phone, on the way home!"

"No. I wasn't talking shit. I was pissed off, and you knew exactly why, and I had absolutely no problem saying that in front of you! I mean, you knew why I was there. I wanted to watch Todd play, and I wanted to get there early, but none of you cared about that when you were curling your hair and putting on your fake eyelashes! What that said to me, was you didn't appreciate it, and you were only worried about yourself."

"Well I'm sorry, " She huffed, "But I did appreciate you taking me, and the phone works 2 ways, Peyton! You could have called me too! And I can't believe you're sitting here telling me what a shitty friend I am when I'm dealing with a crisis here! I just ended a 6 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry!"

"See, THIS is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't think you're a "shitty friend". And I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff! And that's why I never said anything, but it's like you've been so selfish lately! You can't see anything outside your own bubble, Bethany. And how many times are you going to do this back and forth shit? I mean think about Tugg! Think about what you're doing to him! I mean, you break up, then you get back together, then you continue talking to Ben's cousin, even though you know it's a bad idea. Every time you do this, you call me wanting my advice, but you never listen! So what's the point?? If you have to break up with Tugg, fine! But don't keep stringing him along and dragging everybody else into your shit, because it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to your friends! How are we supposed to be there for you when you do this so much it's exasperating!? How am I supposed to know when to take you seriously? That's why I don't think it's a good idea for you to move in. Because...I just don't think it's in the best interest of our friendship right now. And I do love you, and I do value our friendship, but I just think you need to do this on your own."

Bethany sighed and I could feel her deflating. I knew I'd been a little bit hard on her, but I really felt like she needed to hear that. Better coming from me, someone who does really care about her, than from someone else though, right?
After that, we talked a little bit longer, and we both agreed that we both need to put more effort into our friendship. Tugg was in Vegas this past weekend and when he came back, she told him she just wasn't in love with him anymore. And I guess he was tired of yelling and crying about it, so he just said ok. And I'm not really that surprised about it, because I'm sure Tugg realized on his trip, that being single isn't the worst thing in the world. And hopefully Bethany will realize that soon too.
I made sure to tell her I loved her before we hung up. She told me to call her tomorrow. I feel really guilty for telling her she can't move in but...I just have too much going on to deal with that. I work so much, I hardly have time to clean, and I really value my time alone to unwind. I'm used to having a place to myself, and I feel like having a roommate at this point in my life, so last minute, will just...stress me out. I'm trying to minimize the drama in my life, not make it worse. And her moving in would definitely not help. Plus, my spare room is for my photography studio, and that's what I've been using it for! If she were to move in, where would I put all that stuff?? I'm talking 10 feet long backdrops, lights, boomers, all kinds of equipment! I would have no place to put it, and that would just stress me out too. And I told her that on the phone too. So I think she understands. I hope she does. And while I feel relieved that I finally got all that stuff off my chest, and I feel like I can really forgive Bethany and things can go back to being the way they were, why do I feel so guilty??

Am I abandoning my friend in a time of need??


Anonymous said...

I think that you are abandoning her. Yeah, you've had your problems with her, but maybe it would've been a good idea to talk to her when her world wasn't crashing down on her. She went to you for support for a reason, and I doubt she was truly aware of how you felt all this time. And when she does come to you, and is in this situation, is when you choose to talk about it. That's real mature... I mean, it's not your responsibility to give her someplace to live, but the fact that you're saying it's because of the photography... That's just a blatant excuse to yourself, and you know it. You don't want her to be there, but at least be honest with yourself as to why. Seems a little passive aggressive to me. And I'm sure you don't like this hearing from a stranger, but you did ask what our opinion is. And this, as different from others' as it may be, is my own. Good luck with everything.

RusticPoison said...

I dont think yu were abandoning her. this had been building up for a while, and it needed to come out. It's natural to feel guilty. Do i think there may have been a bettertime to do it? Not Really. However, it seemed like there was never a right tim e in your relationship with her to bring this up, so I understand. Trust me, sometimes, there is no good time to have it ot with a friend, but it needs and has to be done.

Autumn said...

I think you are being a bit hard on her. I mean I don't know the whole situation, but I know how hard it is to go through a break up, and esp. how devastated you seemed. It's hard to think about anyone else when you have hit rock bottom. Not trying to make excuses, maybe she genuinely is a really selfish person. But if you really are her friend, then you should step up and be her friend when she needs it, or move on with the friendship. Was she there for you during your time of need? Because if she wasn't there when you needed her, and you aren't there for her now, then I'm not really sure what friendship you are holding on to?

Maybe she is just more of a partying buddy, and not someone to really depend on..

Anna said...

I think friendships change and evolve over time, and it's natural. I don't think you're being a bad friend at all. First and foremost, you have to take care of your own needs. How can you be there for her if you're not taking care of yourself? I do think that you should put aside any remaining annoyance, and make an extra effort to reach out to her since she's going through a hard time. But anyone who says you are "abandoning" her because you want to have your own living space is crazy, in my opinion. Some people need alone time more than others, and it's important to recognize if you are one of those people (I know I am!).

Anonymous said...

You could have at least let her stay with you for a limited amount of time... to allow her to get her life figured out. You were very harsh and I am certain that if roles were reversed and she did this to you .. you would be freaking out. You are great at placing blame, but part of maturity is turning that focus back on yourself and checking where some of THAT ownership belongs.

That's my opinion... take it or leave it.

Jen said...

Ok.. Unlike what everyone else has said.. I'm going to be the bitch in the group and say this. No! You shouldn't feel like you've abandoned her. Where was SHE when you've needed someone?

It isn't fair of HER to expect you to just up root your life to accommodate hers. Especially since she's pretty much been MIA as a friend to you. That is YOUR place, and you have the right to say yes or no about who ever moves in for whatever reason you choose. Those who say that your photography studio is solely an excuse obviously doesn't understand. To some, photography isn't just some vacation hobby, or something you do only when you're out with friends. It's a passion, it's (hopefully) a career one day. If someone who had their office at home, desks, comps, etc., and their some-what non-existant friend pops up out of the blue and is needy saying they're moving in, (completely uninvited mind you) would that person just be like SURE! I'll remove everything out of that room for you in a heartbeat! No.. they wouldn't.

While, yes, your friend is going thru a rough time, that it doesn't have to be your drama. Why doesn't she call Summer up!? She's been stuck to her like glue for a while. Plus, wasn't this the same chick that made all that drama at 1 of Todd's games? (or that night or whatever)

Honey.. you need to stay drama free, you have enough of your own, you don't need anyone else's. ;)

And really.. what kind of friend pretty much abandons YOU as a friend, then when she wants something THEN she calls? Sounds like a user to me.

Ok.. I've said my peice. I've done the bitch route. Good luck :)

Peyton said...

Just for the record, I did tell Bethany that if she needed a place to stay, she was more than welcome to sleep in my bed with me, or on my couch till she finds a place. Its just the moving in part that I'm not ok with.

Anonymous said...

I often disagree with what you post and how you handle things, however this time I don't.
Sometimes people need tought love and you can't always pick people up when they fall because then they don't learn. I also think it's absolutely PATHETIC of her to call you and tell you (did she even ask beforehand?) she's moving in after being such a brat and pretty much ignoring you. You're not a cushion for her to ignore than land on when things get rough.

Anonymous said...

Also, just because you aren't letting her move in doesn't mean that you're not there for her. You can be there for someone without them living with you.