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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Crack In The Foundation

My mom is going through some kind of...midlife crisis or something weird, I dunno. But she just dropped this bomb on me last Thursday that she doesn't think she can live with my Dad anymore. And I don't understand why. Even she says she doesn't understand why. But it's been killing me. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like all the glue that holds me together is just...eroding away.
I've always known that I'm one of the few people out there, at my age, who's parents are still together. And I've always felt like that was a really important part of who I am today.
Because my family is still together, still whole, still...unbroken. And I've always felt that my family is my rock. No matter what happens in my life, with friends, boyfriends, school, work...they will always be there, as my structure, my support system.

((Sigh))

And now that's all going away.

I know my parents marriage was never perfect, and they've had their share of issues, but they are both very strongly rooted in their values, and religious, and I always knew that marriage wasn't something they took lightly. So they've always been able to work through their problems. This is what I've always KNOWN.
And now it's like...everything I've always "known" is all just...a lie. A facade. Everything about how I see my parents, what I thought they believed in, what they stood for... It was all a lie.

Whenever I would get sad, or discouraged in love or in life, I would always think, if my parents are still together, and they still love each other, then I know there has to be someone out there for me, and one day I will have that too.

But now I'm not so sure. I feel like my Dad and I are the same. We're...doggedly loyal, and stubborn in our beliefs, and maybe even a bit naive when it comes to love and relationships. But...he would never leave my Mom. He has threatened to before, in the past, when they had problems. But he always stayed, and worked things out, because he loves her. And I never doubted for a minute that he would really leave my mom, or our family. And my dad and I, although we aren't as close as me and my mom, we're alike. And I feel like, if my mom could do that to him, then maybe I should just expect the same. Maybe I should just give up on this hopeless quest for love and just...cash in.

Maybe all this time, I've just been searching for something that doesn't even exist in real life.

7 comments:

KM said...

wow that's gotta be hard to take... *big hug!!!* My parents are still together (39 years!) and I can't even imagine how horrible and confused I'd feel if they split up.

Anonymous said...

I know my parents have been married for 40 years this Oct, and although their marriage has never been perfect,a t the end of the day they still love one another. Mom always joked that Death was an option, divorce, never. I am so sorry, and I hope that this time they can also work through. Everyone's idea of love is so different, some people need lighteing and thunder and butterflies, but some are more of the type who want rock solid, depenable with laughter, warmth, and comfort.
Hugs...

Anonymous said...

awww peyton... that is terrible. i am so sorry that all this is happeneing to you at the same time. i hope they will be able to work it out. have faith, they have been able to do it before. i hope all is well and take care of yourself

~a*

Karen said...

Aww sweetie I know it seems like that right now but I hope you really don't think that...I am going through the same thing right now. I am catholic so marriage means forever for me but my husband and I are going through some things right now that may not be fixable. We have 3 kids 20, 15 and 10 and they are taking it really bad but one thing I have stressed to them that even if things do not work out between me and their father, it was all worth it and I wouldn't have changed things for the world. I still love him and them very much but sometimes as hard as you try people grow apart and can't be fixed but it doesn't mean that you should give up on love...it is a wonderful thing when it happens - to quote a Lady Antebellum "I'd rather hurt than feeling nothing at all"

Karen

Ashley said...

I'm sorry to hear that. But, don't think love doesn't exist because your parents are struggling. You need to have a solid foundation within yourself, that is not based on others. That should be your goal for the summer - getting to know and like and believe in exactly who you are.

Anonymous said...

Marriage longtime does exist. I am so sorry to hear.

1) I got married four days before 19 birthday, still married 36 years later (no didn't have too).

2) My parents married almost 47 years before my mom died of breast cancer at age 63.

3) My hubby's parents, grandparent's and all of his side married never divorced.

4) My son married at 19 (had too) still married 13 years.

Guess long marriages run in my family and hubby's. I know rare but IT does exist.

Many of our closest friends still married after decades.

Good luck and wish all well..

Linda

Fefita said...

I'm sorry to hear that. My parents got divorced when I was 6. I grew up in a broken home as well, especially after she got re-married when I was 10, and she abandoned me, and my siblings for her husband. But, I stayed strong, and thanks to her, and the way she treated me, I am who I am today, and I know what NOT to do with my daughter. I'm still with her father, even though its only been 2 years, but after all I went through, and now I'm going through the same thing with my Dad, I still believe in love.
I totally agree with Ashley. You have to look for it with-in yourself. Don't look around you for it. I know they're your parents, but regardless if they stay together or separate, they love you unconditionally. And maybe they're just going through a rough patch. Sometimes I even want to stab my hubby with a fork in the eye when he pisses me off, lol. But we work through it. Your parents love each other, and maybe they'll work it out. Do you think she could be going through menopause?