It was 2:15am, I was laying in bed with my laptop open, just feeling kind of melancholy and lonely, and he was there. On facebook chat. The only person online. I debated back and forth with myself for about 10 minutes. I typed "Hi" then I deleted it. Then I typed "Hey", but I didn't send it, I just left it there in the chat window, hoping he'd sign off, or maybe something would distract me. But I just kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop myself...I hit enter.
Me: how are you?
Brazil: how have u been?
not so great
Brazil: n u?
Me: good i guess
Brazil: good, thats good
Me: yea...i mean i've just been really busy
not really time for anything besides school, work and swimming
which is probably a good thing
Brazil: yea, i had a pretty tough week too
Me: how come you're up so late?
Brazil: im having trouble sleeping lately
Me: how come?
Brazil: im anxious
Me: about what?
Brazil: i just feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of the above...
u know same old me
Me: no, i don't know
Brazil: im really glad ur doing good, though
that gives me some peace of mind
Me: i didn't message you to give you peace of mind
Brazil: oh no?
Me: the only reason i'm doing "good" is because i'm forcing myself to be ok
Brazil: whats wrong?
Me: because there's nothing i can do to remedy this situation
in fact, just by talking to you i'm pretty much breaking all my own rules
Brazil: i know how it feels, trust me
Me: i don't think you do
mr. "never been dumped"
Brazil: i feel like an ass, an idiot
no? what was stephanie
Me: a reality check?
Brazil: i guess i deserved it
Me: maybe you did
i wouldn't know
everything happens for a reason, i know that
you have to choose to not play the victim
that's exactly what i'm doing
Brazil: if ur trying to cheer me up, its not working
i wasn't trying though so...maybe i'm not sorry
i just think you need to develop a thicker skin
sorry if that sounds mean
it's hard to not be...resentful towards you, even though i'm not trying to be
Brazil: thanks, thats all i needed tonight
Me: well if you want me to feel sorry for you, you're asking the wrong person
Brazil: let me just type this for a second
Brazil: u have all the right to hate me, to have no sympathy for me. I deserve it. Im upset, cause i was trying to make things right and i just get more fucked in my own shit. Im just tired of being hurt, and hurting other people. You dont deserve a guy like me, it was bad timing of myself, i should have known better, i feel AWFUL that i let you down, i really do. So if u wanna say how much of a dick I am, i can take it, and I deserve it. Im really sorry peyton, the last thing i wanted was to cause you pain. I respect you, and you can do so much better
Me: that's bullshit
Brazil: idk what to say, i just want to shut my brain off
Me: do you how much WORSE it makes it when i guy says, "you're too good for me"???
that's like...the worst thing someone can say
"you're so great, but i don't want anything to do with you. sorry! i'm sure you'll find someone better!"
Brazil: see? i just make it worse
its not YOU
Me: you keep saying you respect me, but
you know what
Brazil: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE
Me: i don't think you're a dick
i WISH i thought you were a dick
if i thought you were just another asshole i wouldn't give a shit
tell me something though....
Me: what do you mean you were trying to make things right? right with you? or right with Stephanie?
Brazil: no, listen
my thing with stephanie is not going anywhere
Me: yea thats what you said when i first met you
Brazil: well it isnt
Me: and don't you know that we're ALL tired of being hurt??
everyone has been fucked over in a relationship at some point
some people, like myself, get it more than others
Brazil: what do you want me to do?
Me: but everyone has been hurt before
what do you want to do?
i'm just telling you that that's a normal part of adult life..its unavoidable. it's no reason to self-medicate or anything
Brazil: i just dont know anymore, i cant make anyone happy. I cant forget her, even though i know she's a selfish bitch. I hurt someone i dont want to hurt. No one is happy! NO ONE, not me, you or her. everyone i get involved with it turns to shit it means I am obviously the problem
dont u think i dont lay my head at night and think about this?
dont u think i think about this shit 24/7?
Me: if you really believe that you are the problem then fix it
i'm not saying i believe that
there is never just one person to blame
Brazil: i wake up thinking about it, i go to sleep thinking about, i shower thinking about it
all day long
i cant wait till i go to bed
so i can stop thinking
Me: thinking about what exactly?
Brazil: n i dream about it too sometiems
all the shit ive done
that i got myself and everyone into
Me: i have dreams like that sometimes
do u know what its like to not have peace of mind, at all?
Brazil: hoping u fall sleep do it wont hurt anymore?
longing for the day to be over when u wake up?
Me: i don't think you understand what it's like to be almost 28 years old, no closer to finding what you want out of life than you were 10 years ago. it's like…the last 10 years of my life have been completely pointless! you're only 25 AND you're a guy. you have plenty of time to figure your shit out find someone you want to be with. I don't. i just keep getting older and less desirable. and i'm still in school, surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds, and i...
it got to the point where i couldn't be even in the same goddamn state as my ex. and now i'm just questioning all the decisions i've made… i mean wtf am i really doing here?? i just keep finding myself in the same fucking situations. ((Sigh))
thats what *I* think about in bed at night
among other things...
all sorts of stupid "what if" scenarios
mostly about you
and about last year
Brazil: oh, so ur far from home ah? do u think i left cause it was fucking paradise there?
Me: this doesn't feel like home to me though
you said it does for you
and you came here for completely different reasons than i did
why are you arguing with me about this?
i don't think i ever even told anyone that before
Brazil: im running away from a lot of things down there too
and btw, ur far from getting less desirable, get real.
Me: i am being real
guys my age don't date girls my age
Brazil: if u were not attractive id never hang out with you
Me: they want girls who are 23
Brazil: and i am picky as fuck
Me: its true
Brazil: then u dont want those gusy
Me: most guys are just wasting my time anyway
Brazil: i like older women, cause they know their shit. pedophiles like girls, i like women
well i like MEN
what difference does that make? so far i can't seem to tell the difference between men and boys till it's too late
Brazil: i'll tell u this
Me: if you're going to compliment me, don't
maybe now you understand why i don't take compliments well
Brazil: i didnt want to keep seeing you, cause i was trying to act like a MAN, and accept the fact i need to get my shit together before i start seeing someone else
i know i am a man, cause im brave enough to speak my mind, thats the diffrence
so take that as a note for the future
Me: and hows that working out for you?
Brazil: listen, im going to bed
Me: i guess there's just a part of me that really believes you're going to just meet someone else and start dating some other chick, and all this bullshit will have been for nothing. and that really drives me crazy to think about.
Brazil: acting like a man, means u have to make decisions that are tough on my own, but in the long run are for the best. For know u just have to accept its gonna suck, and u have to take it. so im taking it, and trying to be a man.
Me: well then i guess i've been a man for quite some time now
Brazil: it goes the same about being a woman
its more about being an adult id say
im going to bed now
im sorry about everything, i really am
Me: i haven't forgiven you yet. and for that, i'm sorry.
i will eventually