Friday, March 2, 2012

I Caved

It was 2:15am, I was laying in bed with my laptop open, just feeling kind of melancholy and lonely, and he was there. On facebook chat. The only person online. I debated back and forth with myself for about 10 minutes. I typed "Hi" then I deleted it. Then I typed "Hey", but I didn't send it, I just left it there in the chat window, hoping he'd sign off, or maybe something would distract me. But I just kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop myself...I hit enter.

Me: hey

Brazil: hey

Me: how are you?

 Brazil: how have u been?
not so great

Me: oh?

Brazil: n u?

Me: good i guess

Brazil: good, thats good

Me: yea...i mean i've just been really busy not really time for anything besides school, work and swimming
which is probably a good thing

Brazil: yea, i had a pretty tough week too

Me: how come you're up so late?

Brazil: im having trouble sleeping lately

Me: how come?

 Brazil: im anxious

Me: about what?

Brazil: i just feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of the above...
u know same old me

 Me: no, i don't know

Brazil: im really glad ur doing good, though
that gives me some peace of mind

Me: i didn't message you to give you peace of mind

Brazil: oh no?

Me: the only reason i'm doing "good" is because i'm forcing myself to be ok

Brazil: whats wrong?

Me: because there's nothing i can do to remedy this situation
in fact, just by talking to you i'm pretty much breaking all my own rules
i dunno

Brazil: i know how it feels, trust me

Me: i don't think you do
mr. "never been dumped"

Brazil: i feel like an ass, an idiot
no? what was stephanie ?

Me: a reality check?

Brazil: right

Brazil: i guess i deserved it

Me: maybe you did
i wouldn't know
everything happens for a reason, i know that
you have to choose to not play the victim
that's exactly what i'm doing

Brazil: if ur trying to cheer me up, its not working

Me: sorry
i wasn't trying though so...maybe i'm not sorry
i just think you need to develop a thicker skin maybe
sorry if that sounds mean
it's hard to not be...resentful towards you, even though i'm not trying to be

Brazil: thanks, thats all i needed tonight

Me: well if you want me to feel sorry for you, you're asking the wrong person

Brazil: let me just type this for a second

Me: ok

Brazil: u have all the right to hate me, to have no sympathy for me. I deserve it. Im upset, cause i was trying to make things right and i just get more fucked in my own shit. Im just tired of being hurt, and hurting other people. You dont deserve a guy like me, it was bad timing of myself, i should have known better, i feel AWFUL that i let you down, i really do. So if u wanna say how much of a dick I am, i can take it, and I deserve it. Im really sorry peyton, the last thing i wanted was to cause you pain. I respect you, and you can do so much better

Me: that's bullshit

Brazil: idk what to say, i just want to shut my brain off

 Me: do you how much WORSE it makes it when i guy says, "you're too good for me"???
that's like...the worst thing someone can say
"you're so great, but i don't want anything to do with you. sorry! i'm sure you'll find someone better!"

Brazil: see? i just make it worse
its not YOU

Me: you keep saying you respect me, but
you know what


Me: i don't think you're a dick
i WISH i thought you were a dick
if i thought you were just another asshole i wouldn't give a shit
tell me something though....

Brazil: ok

Me: what do you mean you were trying to make things right? right with you? or right with Stephanie?

Brazil: no, listen
my thing with stephanie is not going anywhere

Me: yea thats what you said when i first met you

Brazil: well it isnt

Me: and don't you know that we're ALL tired of being hurt??
everyone has been fucked over in a relationship at some point
some people, like myself, get it more than others

Brazil: what do you want me to do?

Me: but everyone has been hurt before
what do you want to do?
i'm just telling you that that's a normal part of adult life..its unavoidable. it's no reason to self-medicate or anything

Brazil: i just dont know anymore, i cant make anyone happy. I cant forget her, even though i know she's a selfish bitch. I hurt someone i dont want to hurt. No one is happy! NO ONE, not me, you or her. everyone i get involved with it turns to shit it means I am obviously the problem
dont u think i dont lay my head at night and think about this?
dont u think i think about this shit 24/7?

Me: if you really believe that you are the problem then fix it
i'm not saying i believe that
there is never just one person to blame

Brazil: i wake up thinking about it, i go to sleep thinking about, i shower thinking about it
all day long i cant wait till i go to bed so i can stop thinking

Me: thinking about what exactly?

Brazil: n i dream about it too sometiems
all the shit ive done
that i got myself and everyone into

Me: i have dreams like that sometimes

Brazil: yea do u know what its like to not have peace of mind, at all?

Me: yes

Brazil: hoping u fall sleep do it wont hurt anymore?
longing for the day to be over when u wake up?

Me: i don't think you understand what it's like to be almost 28 years old, no closer to finding what you want out of life than you were 10 years ago. it's like…the last 10 years of my life have been completely pointless! you're only 25 AND you're a guy. you have plenty of time to figure your shit out find someone you want to be with. I don't. i just keep getting older and less desirable. and i'm still in school, surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds, and i...
it got to the point where i couldn't be even in the same goddamn state as my ex. and now i'm just questioning all the decisions i've made… i mean wtf am i really doing here?? i just keep finding myself in the same fucking situations. ((Sigh))
thats what *I* think about in bed at night
among other things...
all sorts of stupid "what if" scenarios
mostly about you
and about last year

Brazil: oh, so ur far from home ah? do u think i left cause it was fucking paradise there?

Me: this doesn't feel like home to me though
you said it does for you
and you came here for completely different reasons than i did
why are you arguing with me about this?
i don't think i ever even told anyone that before

Brazil: im running away from a lot of things down there too
and btw, ur far from getting less desirable, get real.

Me: i am being real
guys my age don't date girls my age

Brazil: if u were not attractive id never hang out with you

Me: they want girls who are 23

Brazil: and i am picky as fuck

Me: its true

Brazil: then u dont want those gusy

Me: most guys are just wasting my time anyway

Brazil: i like older women, cause they know their shit. pedophiles like girls, i like women

Me: whatever
well i like MEN
what difference does that make? so far i can't seem to tell the difference between men and boys till it's too late

Brazil: i'll tell u this

Me: if you're going to compliment me, don't

Brazil: no im not

Me: good maybe now you understand why i don't take compliments well

Brazil: i didnt want to keep seeing you, cause i was trying to act like a MAN, and accept the fact i need to get my shit together before i start seeing someone else
i know i am a man, cause im brave enough to speak my mind, thats the diffrence
so take that as a note for the future

Me: and hows that working out for you?

Brazil: listen, im going to bed

Me: i guess there's just a part of me that really believes you're going to just meet someone else and start dating some other chick, and all this bullshit will have been for nothing. and that really drives me crazy to think about.

Brazil: acting like a man, means u have to make decisions that are tough on my own, but in the long run are for the best. For know u just have to accept its gonna suck, and u have to take it. so im taking it, and trying to be a man.

Me: well then i guess i've been a man for quite some time now

Brazil: it goes the same about being a woman its more about being an adult id say
im going to bed now
im sorry about everything, i really am goodnight.

Me: i haven't forgiven you yet. and for that, i'm sorry.
i will eventually


http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

Ok peyton you are not going to like what i say, sorry for that but i don't know you, that is not even your real name & obviously you need to hear from someone who is impartial.

Why do you keep being complacent & coming off completely desperate to guys? You do NOT come off as the strong beautiful woman you want to be. You come off as a desperate high schooler to be honest.

All you did in that message was placate him. What did you gain from it other than looking sad, pathetic & desperate (no i am not saying you ARE those things, i am saying that is how you appear).

Peyton said...

OK I know you are trying to be constructive, but that comment really made me feel like shit. So I hope you are satisfied.
Just because I may handle situations differently than you might handle them, doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. I don't think I seemed desperate at all to him. I just wanted him to understand. Considering that was the first time I spoke to him since the whole fiasco, and I wasn't sitting there telling him how much I miss him, I don't see how that comes off as desperate. Actually, I thought I was being kind of bitchy to him.

I am not complacent, nor desperate. And I don't WANT to be a strong beautiful woman because I know I already AM one. Everyone gets their heart broken from time to time, and no one feels their best when it happens. I'm just trying to deal with it the best way that I know how.

Shannon said...

OK, I haven't ever commented and I just have to now after reading that post. We are the same age but it seems that instead of learning lessons from the guys you date you keep making the same mistakes over and over. Brazil told you from day 1 that he was still hung up on his ex and that he didn't want a relationship. You can't be mad at him or will him to change. He was completely straight up with you about his intentions. If you want a relationship with someone you need to act like it. Don't just hear what you want to hear and ignore the huge red flags. Guys don't use hidden meanings, they aren't that complicated. Make men actually "court" you. None of this go over to hang out and get naked BS. If a guy TRULY likes you he will invest his time and effort into you. Make them work for it! Take you to dinner, make more effort in contacting you than you contact them. Because that is what you deserve. You like to say that you don't put up with BS from guys but really you do. If a guy is giving you pause, listen to your instincts. A woman's gut feelings are never wrong. Start treating yourself better and men will follow suit. Take it from someone who has been through some of the very same situations you have. Falling into the same patterns with the same kind of guys will not get you anywhere. I know you can meet a lot of guys working at the bar but those guys rarely have substance. And if they do? Make them prove it before you invest your body and your emotions into them.

Anonymous said...

Peyton, I think the way she worded it may not have been the most gentle, but sometimes the truth isn't easy. You didn't seem to gain anything by talking to him. It seems pretty obvious that Brazil is a dead end. By pushing it, it does come across desperate. It seems like you're telling him to stop feeling bad for himself, but then you do the same thing. Brush it off, focus on you, and the positive things in your life. Brazil is not one of them.


Anonymous said...

I don't necessarily think you were coming off as desperate but I do think the conversation was probably unnecessary. I think sometimes you might hold on to things a little longer than you should...and no you did not seem as if you were placating him when you were talking to him, but it did seem as if you just wanted an excuse to talk to him. Which is completely normal and understandable. But I think if you're still really upset with him, it's best to just leave it alone. You've already told him how upset you were and how he made you feel so there's no need to keep doing it unless it's acting as sort of way for you to keep him in your life. Either way, feel better.


http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

Ok, i did not mean for you to get all defensive. You totally MISSED my point. If you read that convo from a stranger perspective, someone who knows NOTHING about either of you it comes off pretty bad.

Not the way you think it did at all. Seriously. It looks like you are just trying to goad him into saying how horrible he is & how bad he feels while making yourself look bad by "appearing" a bit desperate. What does that accomplish? What did you gain from the convo.

I may not have worded it the nicest but i refuse to coddle anyone. I don't do it in my own blog either. I don't believe in the puppies & rainbows approach. Sorry. When it is put on the interwebs you have to expect that people are not always going to agree with you.

I did not put you down or call you names so there was no reason for you to take offense. I told you how you APPEAR to come off & how the post comes across, that is it!

You have to remember all we have to go on are the words on a page.

~J said...

I have to agree with the rest, there really was no need to contact him and rehash everything. Unless you did it with the sole purpose of being a bitch and you succeeded. Or was it to have him feel sorry for you for hurting you? Cus that's what I took from your conversation.

Either way, I don't see how contacting him did any good.

Anyway, he's apologized, many times. When are you going to be a grown up and admit what YOU did to him? You read his messages on fb. Hey, I'm not blaming you, I'm sure all of us would have too. BUT! You can't hold a grudge b/c he didn't tell you about Stephanie when you wouldn't tell him about the msgs.

Just like the past, you'll meet another guy and get hooked on him and forget about Brazil. Don't sweat it, just get over it.

Dido said...

Wow....I am surprised that everyone automatically went after Peyton. It is probably not the healthiest decision to initiate a conversation (I have done the same thing) but when you've been with someone for a long time...its hard to get over. Of course it didn't accomplish anything but hopefully it will help her start to heal.

And no one even mentioned that Brazil was being a total DBag! Woe is him....feel sorry for me cuz my life is so f'd up! Ugh! Also, I don't think the fb thing vs trying to get his ex back.

Just my opinion......

Alison said...

Gosh you guys! Leave the poor girl alone! She just found out the guy she was crazy about was playing her big-time, and y'all have to go jumping down her throats about behavior patterns and whatnot(I'm looking at you, sweetcanadianblogspot!)

It's so easy for us to come on here with our initialed names and anonymous handles, judging her for decisions she's made when each one of you have done the same or worse. Should she have contacted him? Probably not. But who's to say what's the right way to get closure and try to heal? I'd like to see each and every one of your breakup records to verify that you handled it as mature as you're trying to sound. This is an honest, real and emotional blog full of ups and downs, and I can't believe the way some of you sound. Let the girl deal in whatever way she needs without everyone hating and trying to make her feel worse. Lord knows breakups are hard enough without Internet strangers peering down their noses at ya.

Peyton, hang in there girl. I went through the worst breakup last year and cried every day for a month. And now I can go a whole week without Facebook stalking him ;) it gets easier! I'm not sure if you do yoga, but I took it up after being dumped and it truly made me feel so peaceful and like I was able to deal with anything. Including heartbreak. You have so many readers rootin for ya <3 xxx

Ashley said...

Wow. I'm surprised at the feedback from this post. I think you probably shouldn't have contacted him, but we've all been there, where we just want to reach out to that person and when we do it doesn't give us the satisfaction we had hoped for. I think Brazil is acting super-douchey as he is all "woe is me, I'm such an ass, blah, blah, blah." He doesn't need to talk about being a man; he simply needs to be one. And, although I know nothing, really, about either one of you, I think you are playing into his ego by contacting him.

Yes, you knew it was a complex and not entirely ideal situation to begin with. But, that being said, you didn’t ask for him to straight up lie to you. Whether or not you knew the situation was complicated or not, YOU are not at fault. You are not at fault for even reading his FB messages. If he’s dumb enough to stay logged in, then it’s fair game.

I don’t think you are coming off as desperate but you are beating a dead horse. Brazil is not worth your time, at all, and does NOT, in anyway, deserve you.

That being said, I do agree with Shannon that you need to make guys step up their game. Make them work for you and show them that you are someone to WORK for. You are a prize to attain. And prizes aren’t won easily.

Lastly, I have to address your age comment and feeling like the last 10 years of your life have been an aimless search. I am 28, turning 29 in June, and can understand that to some degree. I don’t think I am getting less desirable though; if anything I think I am becoming more desirable because I see myself for my true worth as I get older. The jackasses I settled for in my early 20s would never have a chance now! Don’t think of age as a bad thing – I’m not engaged, or ever married, but I look at it like I’m also not divorced, like a lot of people my age. Being unwilling to settle for less than you deserve is nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud, Peyton!