When I came back from C.A. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I had a lot to think about. With John, and with Sophie. The John thing seemed like it needed more immediate addressing however, and I wasn't quite ready to talk with Sophie about The Thing That Happened. I was still processing, and I needed the time away from her (finally) to think about it.
The John thing consumed my mind for days. Mostly because I was so caught off guard by the whole thing, and because I was so on the fence about what to do. At one time it had seemed so much more cut and dry. I was interested in him, he was interested in me, but it just never happened due to timing and distance. But now that the opportunity was really presenting itself, it felt...off. I dunno. Like I said in my last post, I felt I had already shut the door on this, and now it was open again, and I was peering in, but not ready to cross the threshold. So I analyzed, and overanalyzed, like I am wont to do. How would it work? He still lives in another state. I don't really want to be in a long distance relationship, but just starting out it would be silly for either of us to move. That would put things on a way more serious level right off the bat. So, what to do, what to do? And do I even wanna try to move on with this guy? I mean his track record isn't exactly promising. Years and years of saying stuff to me, and telling me he's gonna do things and never actually coming through. He's flaky! And he's an odd bird. He's bad at communicating and too hard to read. So that would also need to be addressed, but it's not like I can turn him into someone he's not! And I'm also not attracted to him anymore the way I used to be. I mean I still think he is attractive, I just...I'm not attracted to him anymore. I know, I'm shallow, it's a problem. It's not that I think looks are the only thing that matter, cuz I don't, intelligence and humor, and some degree of success (as in, you're not living in your moms basement) are also very important, but if I don't find the person physically attractive, I won't ever be able to get past it. And the kicker to all this is, I really wanted to like him, and to be into it, I just wasn't. So I kept trying to talk myself into it. And I told myself I was being silly and ridiculous to let a good guy go, and I should at least give it a shot and see what happens. So after 3 days, I texted John, and we had this little gem of a conversation, which somehow spanned over a couple days.
I didn't speak to him again till September. I spent a couple days after that conversation sort of reeling, but... Fuck it. That's exactly the conclusion I came to.