The Sophie Thing

I didn't speak to Sophie for about 3 weeks. I needed time to think, and my wounds were still smarting, so I needed time to heal. But healing wasn't on the agenda, because I couldn't get past the W's of it all. WHY did she do it? WHAT was she thinking? HoW could she do something like that to me? WHO is this person, really??
And I knew the only person who could give me those answers was Sophie, but I just wasn't ready to reach out to her. She tried, half-heartedly, to talk to me, through Facebook and emails, I just didn't respond, and she didn't force the issue. She obviously knew I was still upset, and now that we weren't being practically forced to spend every hour of every day together, I no longer needed to make the best of the situation. So maybe she was worried, I don't know. But finally, I reached out to her, via email.

Me, on July 5:

Hi Sister.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I’ve been sorta keeping my distance from you over the last couple weeks because I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out why the whole situation in Belize is still bothering me. Because it is. I know you apologized, and I have forgiven you, but it still hurts what you did. I guess I feel like I don’t really know you as well I thought, because the person I know you to be knows me better than anyone, and knows how much I value loyalty in my relationships. And that person would know how much what you did would hurt me. Not because of the guy, because it’s me. I’m your sister. I know you were drunk, and that was obviously a contributing factor, but it’s not a reason. It’s not a good enough explanation to me for why you would do something like that. I want to know WHY you did it. Did you think about my feelings at all?? Did it ever occur to you when you noticed I was gone, why I may have left? Did you even NOTICE that I was gone?? And as much as I’ve been thinking about it and trying to figure it out, I can only come to the conclusion that I don’t really know you that well anymore. I guess I just don’t get what could motivate you to commit a betrayal like that so flippantly, without even thinking of my feelings AT ALL. Most of the time, you play the role of the older sibling, and I let you, because it’s your nature, and because I’ve never thought of myself as the responsible, role-model type. But there are some things I am wiser about than you, believe it or not.  I’m your big sister, and I have loved you, respected you, cherished you, and rejoiced in our relationship because I know it’s a rare and valuable thing. Every time I talk to Jenna, I’m reminded how special it is to have a sister that is also a best friend. So as your sister, and best friend, I want you to know this stuff. And I need an explanation from you.

You’ve changed a lot over the past couple years, and some of the choices you’ve made in your life have stood out in particular, as evidence of that change. And I think I’ve always been supportive, and adaptive to your lifestyle, or at least I really tried, even when I didn’t think it was right for you (e.g. the polyamorous thing). But I was always sure that deep down you were the same person. I never felt like you were a stranger to me. But the time I spent with you on the trip is making me wonder if you’re going through something. I don’t know, some sort of minor identity or life path crisis? I could just be reading into it too much. Maybe I’m the one having the crisis because I feel like the sanctity of OUR relationship has been violated. But I saw in you a shade of a person you used to be a long time ago; a person I thought you’d grown out of. That popular girl who constantly craves and needs the physical attention of the men around her. I couldn’t reconcile it at first, but then it occurred to me that I felt like I was in 8th grade again. That dorky reject with the popular younger sister, who has a new boyfriend every week. That night you made me feel like that girl again. Like a hovering, unwanted presence. And I don't want you to think I'm just sitting here judging you, because I'm not. I’m just trying to understand what is, or was, going on with you, if anything. 

Love,

Sister

Sophie, on July 5:

Hi Sister,

Thanks for your email and for expressing more about what's been going on internally for you. I have noticed that you've been keeping your distance, and I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to it. I figured it might be something related to what happened on your trip, but I wasn't sure if you just needed time, or if should do something or say something. Anyway, I am grateful that you reached out to me.

There are a lot of questions in your email, and I will try my best to not leave anything unanswered, but I think the key issue here is that you feel like I've changed as a person and that scares you because you feel like you don't know me anymore. I think that I have definitely changed, over the past year - but not in ways that were reflected in my actions that night. If anything, the way I behaved was more of a regression from the growth I think I've made. And I don't have any neatly fitting explanation to psychologically excuse it all away. But, I can share with you a bit of what I've been reflecting on for a while, and that your questions and points in your email bring up.

I am a person who always has my shit together. Who always has a plan, a direction, a schedule, a routine, a goal. Who always feels like I have to be the one to take charge of a situation, lead and watch out for others, make sure everything goes smoothly and that everyone's having a good time. For the most part, I like that about myself, I know it is a fundamental part of who I am, and I accept it. But sometimes, it is fucking exhausting.

I've had to embrace that role in many of my relationships - sometimes, it is just something that comes naturally to me, like in our relationship, as well as within many of my friend groups. In my relationship with Brent, it was a big factor as well. I was the one who wanted to join the Peace Corps, and he agreed. Which meant we had to get married, and he agreed. I was the one who wanted to move to Chicago, and he agreed. And then start graduate school, and encourage him to do the same, and he agreed. Every major decision for both of our lives was made by me. Which is wonderful in some ways, because I always felt I was free to make my own choices, as was Brent, and if we both wanted the same thing, then it would continue to work out. But eventually, the stress of that became really taxing, and affected other aspects of our relationship...

While you are, of course, one of the people who knows me better than anyone, there are some parts of my life I've always been reluctant to share with you, or that we just never really talked about much, and sex is one of those things. Maybe it was because I was married, and it seemed weird to share it, or maybe it is just general shame/guilt around sex that I've been carrying around my whole life because of our upbringing, I don't know. It took great effort for me to tell you about the polyamory thing, and I knew you wouldn't necessarily be on board with the idea, but I wanted to tell you because I wanted you to know me. And I do appreciate that you accepted it. But, we never talked about it much beyond that.

A very significant factor in the reason why Brent and I chose to become polyamorous, and are no longer together now, is because I lost interest in him, sexually. I still loved him, enjoyed spending time with him, respected him as a person, etc. But after being the decision-making, responsible, guiding person in the relationship for so long, it became harder and harder for me to see him in a sexual way. I tried really hard. I felt really guilty. He felt rejected and undesirable, of course. Which made me feel guiltier and angry at myself for not being able to do such a simple thing - to have sexual interest in this person that I loved. This went on for years...

At first, I thought it was just a natural decline in my sex drive in general. That had happened to Brent before, and I had all those feelings of being rejected and undesirable, so I knew how bad it must feel for him, and I thought that if I just waited and kept trying, it would come back. It didn't, and I realized that I did have sexual interest in other people. Then we decided to open our relationship, and I learned a lot in that process, but that's another conversation. Ultimately, the situation between me and Brent didn't change. And eventually, I had to accept that it wasn't going to, that I couldn't force it, and all the talking about it and crying about it and going to therapy and talking about it some more was only making me feel worse and guiltier and not changing the situation. So, I was the one who said we should end our relationship, and he agreed. I was the one who said we should get a divorce, and he agreed.

So, after being in the same relationship for almost all of my adult life and then finding myself 27 and divorced, at a time when most of my friends were just getting engaged or married, I realized that I wanted to make some serious life changes and test myself and learn more about myself, and really just be out on my own. Which is a big part of the reason I came to Guatemala. I needed a change, and I wanted to see what it would be like to go off of the obvious path of life that I always felt I was supposed to take - to get a good job, work hard, be ambitious, start a family. I wanted to see what it might be like, what I might be like, living without a strict plan.

For the most part, it's been great. And I've found that I really enjoyed it, and it was challenging not knowing what's coming next, and I was afraid, and that was okay. I don't need to worry about the future so much. I also learned that, now having discovered that I can live that way if I want to, I still prefer to have a plan. I like having purpose and direction, and I'm an action-oriented person in that regard - I thrive when I have something to work toward and am taking the steps toward it. Now that I've decided I want to pursue my PhD, I'm very driven in that, and I've been really focused on reaching out to professors, writing my statement of purpose, doing research into my area of interest, etc. It's who I am. I'm happy with it.

But every once in a while, holding that all together, being responsible and having my shit together and sticking to my lists and my schedule and all of those other certainties...it just falls apart. Every once in a while, and usually under the influence of alcohol, I have a really reckless night that I tend to regret afterward. And I'm noticing that this is a pattern of destructive behavior that I need to be more aware of and I need to stop. Alcohol isn't an excuse, it's just one factor. Sex is also usually involved. And yea, I think having male attention to boost my self-esteem in some way is a part of it as well. Normally, I take more pride in and find more self-worth in my intellect, my work, my place in the world, rather than my appearance. That's something I've had to learn - to literally re-train my brain to think in those ways, to value myself, to stop hating my body and just accepting it and loving myself for better reasons. It's been hard, it takes work, and it's much easier to just seek male attention that seems to do all that for you, in the moment.

One night, while Brent and I were still together but seeing other people, I went out with some friends. This guy I was sort of seeing came and met me out, really late as the bar was closing. I was already rather drunk, and he bought us two more drinks which we had to finish quickly before the place closed. I slammed it without a second thought. He had a car and offered me a ride, so I said goodbye to my friends and went with him. We went back to his place, we smoked some weed, we went upstairs to his room, and by this time, I was pretty fucked up, but still could have made better choices. We had sex, and I spent the night. I didn't call or text Brent to let him know I wasn't coming home, none of my friends knew where I had ended up, and I didn't make the effort to get myself home so that Brent wouldn't be worried. I didn't even look at my phone. I woke up the next morning because Kal (the guy's) boss called him, waking us up. He was looking for me. I got my phone and had probably 50 missed calls, mostly from Brent. He had been worried. He had called the police. He called all my friends, they told him I was with Kal (who we knew through work), they got the phone number of the org. Kal worked for and called it, and then Kal's boss called him, and the whole thing was this huge, terrible, and completely avoidable mess. I hurt Brent, I put Kal in an awkward situation, I got my friends unnecessarily involved - and all for what? For one stupid night of me being careless.

This was probably the most extreme example, but not a completely isolated incident. Somewhat similar things have happened before. And one of them happened that night while you were here. And so, I recognize this is a pattern, and a very unhealthy one. Not one that is repeated very frequently, but a persistent pattern, nonetheless.

So, to attempt to answer your questions. I can't really say why I did it. Probably out of insecurity, mainly. Did I think about your feelings at all? Honestly, no, not in that moment. Not until the next morning, and then felt awful. If I had thought of your feelings, I don't think I would have made the choices I did. But, I didn't think of them. I didn't think of anything but myself and my own stupid reckless and careless rampage. To be honest, most of it is a total blur. I was MUCH drunker than I have been in a VERY long time, but I acknowledge and own that I made the choice to get that drunk. Which was also inconsiderate and stupid. I didn't think about why you might have left, I didn't notice that you had left, I had no concept of the passage of time, and don't clearly remember the order of events. I remember snatches of that night, and what I do remember mostly embarrasses me. I don't like seeing myself as the person I was behaving as that night either.

I, of course, know that loyalty in friendships is very important to you. And honestly, if I would have even had the faculties or the consideration to think at all before acting, I would have thought about that. But, this is going to sound stupid, but it really had nothing to do with you. It wasn't you, it was me. I would have probably done the same regardless of who I was with that night, because I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect other people at all. Or even how they would affect myself. Really, I wasn't thinking. Just doing. And didn't even fully realize what I was doing while I was doing it.

So, I guess to attempt to tie all this together - I have changed in recent years. The aftermath of my relationship with Brent has affected me, the divorce has affected me, the move to Guatemala has affected me. But I think I've come out of those things mostly with positive changes. I have a better sense of who I am now, I have finally come out of a depression I was experiencing for many years, I am more optimistic about my future, more accepting of myself, more tolerant and accepting of others, and more willing to try new things and test my limits and challenge my boundaries, while still recognizing that sometimes, I have those boundaries for a reason and they're a good thing. But clearly there are issues I still need to work through and areas in which I still need to improve.

I guess some part of me hasn't grown out of the girl I was in middle school, and I don't even really know how, at that time, I came to be that way...I guess upon entering public school, because I somehow suddenly stuck out as pretty and became popular at that time, it gave me the approval of others around me, it made me automatically liked by people who didn't even know me, and deep down, I'm pretty shy, so I felt like I needed that. Or I, at least, enjoyed it because it assuaged my insecurities and allowed me to not have to deal with them, to not have to work on reconciling myself to myself.

This incident in Belize, which is a part of a pattern of destructive behaviors, is one of those things I need to work on changing still. It is not a part of the changes that have occurred in me, it is an old pattern of behavior that still needs changing. And I can honestly say that I am glad you had such a strong reaction to it. I am glad that you expressed your anger. I think it is the limit for me, if that makes sense. It's the reality check I needed to show me that this pattern of behavior can't continue. That it's harmful and hurtful to others, and to me. Which means I need to find other, healthy outlets for the stress and anxiety and pressure I sometimes feel as a result of the standards I normally hold myself to and the role I normally play, or I need to go easier on myself when it comes to those things. I still have some figuring it out to do. 

All I can tell you is that I'm deeply sorry for how my behavior affected you. And I'm embarrassed of the way I acted and am sorry that you had to witness it. It had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings about or relationship with you, and I'm sorry that it had an impact on that as well.

There are still things you don't know about me, or sides of me you've probably haven't seen much of...topics that we just tend not to discuss, or contexts in which we haven't been together. And I'm still changing, and always will be. And I tend to keep a lot of stuff inside, and it's hard for me to really share who I am with other people. But, I want you to know me. And if nothing else, I hope this helps a little in that regard.

I love you, and I appreciate your concern.

Love,

   Sister

Me on July 8:

HI Sister,

Sorry for taking so long to respond; I didn't mean for it to go this long. At first I was just thinking about what I wanted to say, and then I just...didn't wanna think about it at all, and I kinda just left it longer than I meant to. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to explain to me some of the things that have been going on with you. A lot of what you told me about you and Brent's relationship, I sort of already knew. Either from just being around the 2 of you, or based on things you've said in the past. As far as the polyamory thing goes, when you guys told me that, it alarmed me because I recognized it as a symptom of unhappiness, not as this...period of marital enlightenment that you guys were making it out to be. And that's why I had a problem with it. I didn't think it was the right way to go about trying to fix your relationship. I know it can be emotionally taxing to be in a relationship (any kind of relationship) that forces you into the role of caregiver/adult/responsibility all the time. That's how I felt in my relationship with Abbie. Ha. To be honest, that side of me kind of scares me, because I don't like thinking of myself as the motherly sort; I equate it with being old for some reason. Maybe that's part of the reason I always let you take control of situations when we're together. If you would rather not always play that role when we're together, that's totally ok with me. In the case of our trip, I just thought it would be easier for both of us because you know the area better than I do, you speak Spanish, etc. 

As far as changing goes, I do believe we are constantly in the process of becoming who we are supposed to be. Actually, when I reflect on just the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I made a lot of drastic changes, and I think just from one year to the next, I became a very different person. Not so much when I was younger, but mid-20's to 30's has been a big change for me, and I think that' normal. It's obviously different for everyone, but it's important to be aware of the changes, and for there to be some intent behind it. Self-awareness is a rare and wonderful thing. Not many people have it. And I think your last email shows that you do, so that's good. 

Recognizing your pattern of destructive behavior is also good. I do remember that incident in Chicago with Kal. I was one of the people calling you that morning. I had forgotten about it till now, but Brent did call me pretty early that morning, worried. I can't really offer much advice on how to prevent this from happening, because it's never really happened to me. I mean, sure, there have been several times I've gone out, gotten shit-faced and had some regrets in the morning. But my actions never affected anyone but myself, and maybe the other people I was drinking with. I'm really good at drinking nowadays. Haha. I don't really know how I do it, but I manage to get just barely drunk enough to feel good, and then just maintain that. So I never black out or do anything too dumb. There are exceptions to this of course, but generally I'm pretty good about knowing when to stop. Maybe that's just because I used to drink more in my early 20's and I learned my hard limits, or maybe it's just because I hate that feeling of not being in control of my body. (That's why I have no interest in hard drugs) I dunno, maybe it's just because I'm 31 now, and I get hangovers much more easily. The only advice I can give you is to rely more on the people you go out drinking with. You and I don't go out much together, and I like getting drunk with you, so I wasn't paying much attention to how many drinks you had that night. But in the future, I will. When I go out with Taryn and we get wasted, we always take care of each other. It's just understood. And that's important, not only to prevent you from making stupid decisions, but for safety's sake.

You're right that we were raised to think sex is bad and shameful and therefore you should never talk about it. And we are definitely products of our upbringing, but I DON'T really think there's anything shameful about sex. And I don't have a problem talking about it with you. I just don't really go into many details about my sex life with anyone. Unless it's like a funny story or something. I'm just kind of a private person when it comes to that, but I don't feel more uncomfortable talking about it with you than any of my other friends. And I hope you don't think I was judging you because you wanted to have sex with someone on the trip. Because I don't have a problem with that at all. I just think it's important to be cognitive and responsible about it. There's a reason I've never gotten pregnant or had STD/STI's in my life, and that' because I'm careful. It's also partly cuz I'm celibate. Which is unfortunate, and not really my choice. :/ Last night I went on a tinder date with a guy who turned out to be an ex con. FML. Well, this concludes my email. We don't have to talk about the thing in Belize again, I feel much better about it now. I mean it's no longer keeping me up at night, so we can just move on. Well I'm starving so I'm gonna go make breakfast. Bye!

Love,

Shsiter (<--- that's what I just typed. wtf.)

Our emails continued, but it's not important to include them here. I genuinely felt much better about the situation, and something about being back in the States made it easier to move on and forget it. It was sort of like a bad dream I had. And I'm thankful and lucky to say that I can look back on our Belize trip fondly now, despite what happened. It's no longer a tainted memory. Just sort of a blur.

To Be Continued...

Me: Hello John

John: Hello Peyton. How are you?

Me: Drunk

John: I'm not. Although, I did spent most of the day at a friends house drinking. Everybody kinda started going to bed around mitte nacht.
John: By the way, you're pretty. :)

Me: Are you trying to butter me up?? What's mitte nachi?
Me: Ahh!! sp! Wait, that means midnight, doesn't it?

John: Not trying to butter you up. Just thought you should know in case you haven't heard it in a while. And good job, mitte nacht does mean midnight.

Me: Hmm I guess my drunk self isn't as dumb as I thought. I'm surprised you're not working.

John: You're a clever girl, even drunk. No work right now. Finished off a week in Houston 
visiting our data processing group.
John: How has your weekend been?

Me: Clever ppl can still be fools. Case in point.
Me: My wkend was meh. I don't really start my wkend till tomorrow.

John: I don't agree. However, I do think clever people can do foolish things. It's a difference between a persons continuous state of being versus a random action.
John: Do you have anything planned for your time off?

Me: Not necessarily. There's a grey area between continuous state of being and random acts. For example, when you do something against your better judgment, hoping for a better outcome than is most likely possibly. I do that. And you would think I would learn from my mistakes but I guess despite my pragmatism, I'm really an optimist at heart.
Me: I also have a tendency to overshare when under the influence of alcohol.

John: That is a valid point. Your drunk self has scored two points so far!
John: I'm not a very judgmental person so I think you're in good hands right now.

Me: Ha! So you say.
Me: I'm counting you as one example of my foolishness.

John: It's hard to pass judgment when you've done as many idiotic things as I have.

Me: Oh really? By all means, share!

John: Well I was hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category, but I wouldn't say I'm exactly great at relationships.
John: Share? You've met my alternate personality, drunk John. He's pretty wild and pretty stupid on a regular basis.

Me: Well it's like this. I don't really have a set of rules or guidelines that I live by, but there are a couple that I generally tend to follow when it comes to men. One being that if a guy doesn't seem interested, I usually just bow out bc I don't like playing games and men are confusing and rarely up front about what they want.
Me: Yep I've met drunk John. He's a pretty honest guy. Lol.

John: Does it feel like we've been playing games?

Me: Well I didn't think we were. But I'm often wrong.

John: I'm happy to hear that. I think we've been honest with each other and I hope you don't regret anything you've sent*. I'm certainly grateful for the things you've shared with me and I hope you trust I'll keep it between us. I have, after all, had a security clearance. I can keep a secret ;)

*I sent him a few sexy pics. But no nudity! Undies only!! So, really nothing he, and anyone else who's seen in me in a bikini, hasn't seen. And my face wasn't in any of the photos either. So...meh.*

Me: No, I don't regret anything. But John! The last time you asked me to send you a picture, I said no, and then I didn't hear from you for like 10 days!** Whaaaaaat is that supposed to make me think??

**This is in reference to the one night I spent in Houston a week ago, when he texted me the next morning and I had just gotten out of the shower. He asked for a pic and I said no, I was on strike until I saw some residuals. Lol. He said "Fair enough" or something to that effect. Then I asked if I was gonna see him, and never heard back.**

John: I guess that does look pretty bad. Although I thought it was clear that I wasn't harboring any hard feelings about it. As much as I do enjoy the things you've sent, you should know that it's not something I expect from you. I see it as privileged information. Our relationship isn't based on what you've sent me. We've had a longer history without the photos. I apologize if I made you feel as though our friendship was being held for ransom.

Me: Well that just leaves one question. Which is, why didn't I see you when I was in Louisiana? Because I don't think I expect much either. Unless you think otherwise? But it felt a bit like a brush off to me...just sayin.

John: I was traveling back and forth between Houston and Louisiana a lot that week. It wasn't like I was in a neighboring city.
John: I guess that sounds like a cop-out, but I was restricted to where I could travel and when I was needed. It just wasn't possible for me to escape for a couple days.

Me: Understandable. I try to not make assumptions, but I tend to err on the side of antipathy when I try to guess what someone else is thinking.
Me: I also have this problem with a lot of ppl because it's in my nature to call bullshit, and I prefer ppl to just be honest with me, even if it's awkward or uncomfortable, but a lot of ppl don't like that kind of confrontation I guess.

John: My phone is nearly dead, and I'm at a friends house with a bunch of samsung users. Going to need to postpone this until I can get an apple cord.

To Be Continued...

Recyling?

Well I figure since I've got the writing itch, I might as well get you guys a bit caught up. So right before my trip to Houston I sort of...texted Brazil. Lol. I was bored at work, and this REM song came on (his favorite band - seriously, he's obsessed in a really disturbing way) and I just....texted him, "Hey." And we talked. Long story short, he finally admitted to all that stuff with his ex, and he apologized. And I said I forgive him, and agreed to be friends. And then a couple days later, he texted me again, asking why I had texted him out of the blue, after last time, when I baited him and then went off on him. And I said, "Because I heard an REM song and it made me think of you."
I'm just gonna paste the convo instead of paraphrasing...

B: R U serious?
B: I honestly thought u were texting just to curse me again

Me: Well I can if you want me to

B: Oh really why would u do that? Do u still hold a grudge?*
*side note: I really hate typing in shorthand, but that's the way he texts! Ugh...


Me: No, but you keep bringing it up

B: I feel like the motive why you texted me is bs. Many times random things just like walking past [your bar] every day made me think of u, still I didn't text u...U heard a song? get real..

Me: You didn't text me because you knew I didn't want to talk to you. But it's true. I just heard an REM song. You don't have to believe me. What secret "Motive" could I possibly have??

B: I have no idea, thats why im asking. its been all very weird, since that day, u wanted me to say id like to hang out just to go off at me.. And then deleted me from facebook right after that, and then later on u texted me n ur cool if we became friends, it's just all very unexpected
 B: Do u understand why im intrigued?

Me: Is that what you are? I was mean to you before because I don't like it when people fuck with me. You came into [my bar] all brazen faced and bushy tailed, expecting me to act like nothing was wrong and it pissed me off, so I retaliated.
Me: But I'm actually a forgiving person and I believe in second chances. As long as people admit when they are wrong and apologize. So that is why I agreed to be friends.

B: So ur saying ur willing to give me a second chance? And I have no idea what u meant by brazen face and bushy tailed

Me: It means you came in here with your douche bag swagger. If you really must know...

B: Douche bag swagger? I was just there w my friend, n u didnt answer my question

Me: What question? Seems you don't like the answers I'm giving you.

B: Would you give me a second chance?

Me: I thought I made that clear when I said we could be friends? But that doesn't mean you can snap your fingers and we become besties or fuck buddies. Cuz I already have one of 
those, and just bc I said let's be friends, doesn't mean I trust you. That has to be earned.

B: Fair enough, just wanted to know where im standing
B: Are u seeing someone at the moment?

Me: Why?

B: Cause I am curious, and i dont want to interfere with ur business if u have one.. So, are u?

Me: No

And that was the end. He never wrote back after that. But shortly after, he refriended me on facebook, and I accepted. So then I left for Houston, yada yada, and today, I went back to work, and I posted on facebook for everyone to come see me at work tonight, and guess who shows up?? Brazil.
It was strange kinda. He's still the same, but I don't feel like I am. My sister was there too, so that kinda eased up the pressure on the situation. And she sat and talked to him while I was busy. After he left, she told me he kept making vague comments about how she must have heard so many terrible things about him... lol. He's still infuriatingly stubborn, and set in his ways, to the point where he might as well be wearing blinders. And he still wears that same cologne. And the weird thing is, when I got home tonight, I was taking my coat off, and I got a whiff of it. His cologne. And I just wanted to breathe it all in.

First Interview

Well, I finally said something to Brandon. I just couldn't take it anymore! I called him last night, I was a little tipsy, so the liquid courage might have had something to do with it. And I asked him what was going on, and if he'd changed his mind about us. And he said no, he's just been doing his own thing. And so have I. Which is what I told him. I just said that I wanted to make sure he wasn't having second thoughts, because I wasn't sure he'd tell me if that was the case, and I just don't wanna invest anything more into this for nothing. He said he hasn't changed his mind, he's just been busy, and that was that! Short, sweet, and to the point. Although I'm totally not buying the "I've been busy" excuse. He's pushing me away, which I knew. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. We talked for about 15 minutes after that, and yes, we're still on for dinner tomorrow night. I decided on a salmon dish, with pasta and basil cream sauce. I'm excited! I did all my shopping today, so I'm prepared!

Tomorrow morning is my dreaded interview. Not only is it going to be pouring down rain tomorrow morning, but the commute is probably gonna be like an hour! Which means I'm gonna have to leave at like 7am. Ugh... I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get to sleep tonight! My usual bedtime is somewhere around 4am! ((Sigh)) I'll just be so glad when this is over.

I was invited to a pumpkin carving party Wednesday night, and Summer, Ben, Taryn and Ali, and a bunch of my other friends are gonna be there. I'm looking forward to it. It's my night off! I'm also supposed to go to dinner with Law School sometime this week. He got a new job, apparently, and we haven't hung out in a while, so he said he wants to catch up. And he's buying! So I told him, definitely. I was thinking about inviting him to the pumpkin party, and maybe we could grab dinner beforehand. But I dunno, that might be too...date-like. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous. We'll see.

Well, I guess I should be getting to bed. Argh. I'm going to sleep with my fingers crossed!

Date Number 2!

We're on for Tuesday night!!

Brandon and I talked last night after work, I was in the back bar, and he was in the front. So we didn't really see much of each other during the shift, but it's probably better than way. So we talked after work, and flirted a little, and I asked him what he was doing Tuesday, and he said nothing, so I invited him over for dinner! And he said yes!

When I got home, he sent me a text that said, "Good night Peyton. Have fun tomorrow!"

Emma and I went to the Renaissance Festival today. It was really fun, but I'm totally exhausted now from my lack of sleep. And I can't stop thinking about my interview Tuesday. I'm really nervous! Tuesday is gonna be a real busy day. I have the interview at 8am, then a wax at 2:30, then work at 6, then dinner with Brandon. I told him I probably wouldn't get off work till 10 or 11, so it would be a late dinner. Now I just have to figure out what I'm gonna make! I'm thinking something French... But obviously it's gotta be something kinda easy and/or quick to make. Any ideas?

Getting Readjusted

Ok, so I've talked to some of my friends, and I've been reading all your comments, and you're right. I'm being...over critical and paranoid. It's just...hard for me. Because I feel like, we're back right where we used to be! ((Sigh)) I mean, working together. Except the dynamic has changed, and it's just...weird. I'm not used to it.

And he really has been strangely distant the past couple days. But finally today, I feel like he's...starting to get over it. I mean, two and half days of not talking at all, I was starting to wonder.

So I sent him a text around 6:30 that just said, "Hey, you wanna hang out tonight?"

About 15 minutes later, he finally responded.

"I can't, I have to work."

"Ok. Have a good night then." I said.

I figured, better to keep it short and sweet, and not act...disappointed. So I went to my piano lesson, and did a few things.

Then I sent him another text.

"Are you doing sound for the game?"

"Yea."

"Well what are you gonna do when you get off?"

"Go home."

"Well why don't you come over?"

"I don't wanna be out late. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow morning before I have to play golf in the afternoon."

"Fine." I replied.

((Sigh))

I took a chance, put myself out there, invited him over, and he shot me down. He's pushing me away again! I almost said something else but I figured, what's the point? Sometimes he just gets in these unresponsive moods, and there's just no talking to him. So I decided to just give him space.

"Sorry." He replied.

I didn't respond.

A few minutes later, he texted me again.

"How was your day today?"

Finally, we're getting somewhere!

I waited a while before I wrote back. And I made sure to make my day seem great.

We had a short chat via text after that. So I guess the situation isn't completely hopeless.

My dad finally came over to fix my car this evening. And after he replaced the alternator, which took like....2 hours, he figured out that wasn't even the problem! Ugh... I need a new air conditioning fan. That's what was making all the weird noises. So he disconnected it for now, and he has to order me a new one. ((Sigh)) At least the weather is nice!

I'm crossing my fingers that I hear from Brandon tomorrow. Wednesday would have been our one year anniversary. And I was really hoping we'd be able to do something together that night. Even though he probably doesn't know it's our would-be one year anniversary. :/ But he has to work Wednesday night. And Wednesday is also my mom's birthday, so I'm just gonna go over to my parent's house. Well, I'm gonna put on my PJ's and watch some Cold Case. Wish me luck with Brandon! I'm definitely gonna need it.

Car Trouble...

So yesterday, I got in my car, to go meet the gang for dinner and...nothing. My car wouldn't start! The battery was dead. Which, was really weird since I hadn't left any lights on or anything, and my car was totally fine the day before. So Ben came over to give me a jump, and still...a no go. It sputtered a little bit, but wouldn't completely start. My battery was just completely drained. Which means, I need a new one. So I just gave up on my car for the day, and Ben drove me over to the restaurant. Summer promised to give me a ride home from work. We ate, drank, and were merry, and then I went to work, for my last night! It wasn't very busy, and I was almost sad to go, but not really. I mean, I'm still gonna see all my girls, and I'm still gonna go out to dinner with them on Fridays and Saturdays.

So today, Bethany and Tug picked me up a new battery and drove it over. Then Tug installed it for me, while Bethany and I watched. :)

And, voila! My car started. And then...it started making these horrible whining and screeching sounds. ((Sigh))

"It sounds like metal grinding somewhere. It's probably your alternator." Tug said.

"Great... Well I obviously can't drive it." I said, dismayed.

"Well, you can borrow my truck if you want. I mean, I got my motorcycle, and Bethany and I can carpool if we need to." Tug offered.

"Really?? That would be so awesome, thanks!" I said.

So I rode back with them to their place to pick up Tug's truck...which is huge, and I'm totally not used to driving something so big. But I'll deal. I really owe Bethany and Tug, too. I feel like I should take them out to dinner or something! I mean, they really saved me. Normally, my Dad, who is a total grease monkey, would come over and have it fixed in a couple of hours, but my parents are out of town for the weekend, so I'm on my own. I dunno what I would have done if Tug didn't offer to let me borrow his truck!

So anyways, I'm pretty bummed about my car, cuz that means I have yet another bill to worry about. But I'm excited about tonight! It's my first night back at the old job, with Brandon. So we'll see how that goes... But I know it's gonna be fun. It'll just be so nice to be back.

Mr. S. called me the other day to confirm my schedule.

"Welcome back, bitch!" He said before he hung up the phone. Lol.

So I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.

Brandon called me yesterday when he got home from his trip with his dad. I was in the car with Ben at the time, so I couldn't really talk to him for long, but I was glad he called. Because I didn't call or text him the whole time he was gone! So that means he was obviously thinking about me. :)

Well, I guess that's all for now! I'm looking forward to work, for the first time in a long time, and it's a beautiful day! I just wish my car was working!

Back To Normal...Almost

Well...I got my old job back! Mr. P. called me Monday morning, and I'm scheduled to work this weekend! It's such a relief...seriously. I also started training at the gym with Jayme. She's super fit, and she's a spokesmodel for some protein bar company. She just got her personal trainer's license, and she offered to train me for free! She said she wants to get some experience. Yesterday we did cardio and abs, and it totally kicked my ass! But in a good way! I felt really great afterwards.

Last night, Brandon came over and spent the night. Again, no funny business, although he did give me a little peck on the lips when he left this morning. And it definitely caught me off guard. I talked to him about me coming back to work, and told him I didn't want things to be like they were before. He said he'll try not to ignore me when we're counting money, and that things won't be like before. So far so good!

Today, I had an interview at a staffing agency. I figured it couldn't hurt to get my resume out there, and they can definitely help me with the networking part. ((Sigh)) I'm so exhausted right now. I'm dog sitting, and Jasper kept me up all night howling and goofing off with Chewy, then I had to get up early for a dentist appointment, after no sleep. Then I had to go to the interview, and I was supposed to go meet Jayme at the gym at 4, but I didn't get out of my interview till 4:30, so she said we can just pick back up tomorrow. Which is good, because I have a piano lesson at 7, and that is just wayyyy too many things for one day! I'm totally beat!

Brandon left for a golfing trip with his Dad this morning. He got up and left my apartment at like 7:30am! But they're just going to Corpus, and he'll be back tomorrow for work. I start back at my old job on Saturday, so tomorrow night will be my last night at the country bar! And boy am I glad about that!! I ought to raise a stink at the end of the night. Ugh.

I met with my lawyer yesterday, to give him some info, and tell him everything that's going on over there. He said, most likely, we'll settle, and I'll get a couple thousand dollars as compensation for my lost wages. :D I can always use a couple thousand dollars! Especially now, since I only worked one day last week and I spent the last of my cash on my teeth cleaning this morning. ((Sigh))

Well, I gotta go get some practicing in before my piano lesson tonight! Just wanted to give you guys a little update!

New Horizons

Well, our dinner date was definitely still on. Brandon just had a lot of stuff going on during the day. As for his drinking Saturday night, he told me he just had a really great time at the wedding! And...that's it! So I can't really judge, I mean... I've been known to have a good time and get drunk myself.

So anyways, Brandon came over around 8:30, groceries in tow, and he got right down to business! He made pasta with a homemade meat sauce, complete with ground turkey, fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, and spices. It was soooo good! We also had garlic croissants, and for dessert, he brought over Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns, which is now my favorite ice cream of all time!

After we ate, we settled down on the couch, and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. To be honest, I was surprised he chose that movie, seeing as it's a total chick flick, and it didn't get the greatest ratings. But I love Jennifer Garner, so I still liked it. And it was kind of fitting. I mean, a guy who's afraid of falling in love, realizes he's been wasting his life having fun, and sleeping around... And then one day, he wakes up and realizes what he's truly been missing out on.

After the movie, we went to bed. And we talked.

First, he asked me about my Facebook. He doesn't have a Facebook, and apparently some people have asked him about me, and my status updates. They were pretty depressing at times, I suppose. I assured him that I had never written anything bad about him, and told him he was welcome to look! So I showed it to him. And he read one of my notes. And it was just a note about...being alone. I watched his reaction as he read it, and I could tell he genuinely felt...sad.

"You have alone issues, don't you?" He asked.

"Maybe...but you have commitment issues!" I said.

He sighed.

"Peyton, you're not alone. And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here, if you ever need someone."

He took my hand, and we just laid there, in the dark for a while.

Then we talked about our lives, and what we want. I told him that it's not necessarily a husband I'm searching for, it's companionship. It's not being alone, that I'm afraid of, it's ending up alone. I mean, I see what Sophie and Brent have, and they are like best friends, who do everything together, travel the world... And I want that.

"Aren't you ever afraid of being alone?" I asked him.

"No, but I'm alone all the time."

"No, I mean, don't you want somebody there for you at the end?"

"Well, yea...." He said, "I just...how do you know, when you're ready for that?"

"You just know." I said, and I thought to myself that I know, because as soon as I realized I was tired of this bar industry, and ready to have a real job, and get my own house, that I'm ready to settle down. But that's something Brandon is going to have to figure out on his own.

"Well you'll get that, Peyton. I know you will." He said.

There's just a part of me that really wants that with him. But we have a long way to go. And we're taking it slow. Which is the best thing for right now.

I vented to him a little about my work situation, too. I mean, I feel so stuck!

"You're not stuck." He said.

"Yes, I am! I can't quit, because I don't have enough money saved up right now, and...I have to find another job first! So now I'm looking for not just one job, but two!" I huffed.

"It's all gonna be okay. Just...think positive. Everything will work itself out." He said.

"You sound so sure..." I said.

"Because I am sure." He said.

I rolled over and sighed, and Brandon put his arm around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yea. I'm okay." I said.

And we went to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

This morning, I got up and made us cinnamon rolls. We ate quickly, and then we both left, cuz I had to take my mom to physical therapy. I sent him a text message after he left that said, "Thanks for dinner! It was really good!"

And he wrote back, "You're welcome. I really enjoyed our time together last night."

:)

After my piano lesson, I went over to Mark's house to meet up with Summer, Ben, and Mike for food and football. Mark makes the most amazing mashed potatoes! And he grilled steaks and asparagus. All in all, a delicious meal, 2 nights in a row! Afterwards, we played pool, and drank wine, and discussed what we're gonna start doing with our Sundays, now that Mark put the boat to rest for the season. We had a cold front come through this week, and next weekend is supposed to be cool as well. So no more boat trips. :(

We have yet to figure out what we're gonna do. Lol.

So, I do have some news on the job front! Mark, from my old job called me today. He asked me if I wanted to come back! And I said, well...yes! But I told him I wasn't sure if Mr. P. and Blinn would go for it. But he said he's gonna talk to them, and he asked me if working with Brandon would be a problem. I told him most likely not, I mean, we're getting along now and trying to be friends. But I also told him I didn't wanna push my luck, and it would probably be best if we didn't work side by side, and he said of course, and that wouldn't be a problem. So now I just have to wait to hear back from him and find out what Blinn and Mr. P. say about it. I have to admit, it would a relief to go back to my old bar. I mean, I really miss everybody, and after going somewhere else, I've realized that they really are good people to work for. Probably the best in the Houston bar industry. So we'll see.

After our conversation, I got to thinking about what it would be like working with Brandon again. And I actually kind of started to freak out. Like...what if it screws everything up?? I mean, things are going so well between us right now, and I don't want us working together to ruin it! And what about the way things were before?? I mean, he used to always ignore me at work, and it drove me crazy. He'd say it was cuz he was at work, and he's serious about work yada yada.... But then when we'd go in the back to count money after work, he'd act...distant, and weird. I just don't want to slip back into our old habits again! And working together, it'll just be so...so much like before! This, now, is different. Our situation is different. My situation is different. ((Sigh))

So I talked to Summer about it while we were eating dinner at Mark's.

"He doesn't even work that much! I mean...you guys should be fine. Just ask to work at a different bar." Summer said.

"True..."

I mean, he does only work like 2 or 3 days a week. So, I might just be freaking out about nothing. But next time Brandon and I hang out, I'm definitely gonna mention it to him. Because this is really important to me. My job, and my relationship with Brandon are important to me. And I don't want either one affecting the other in a negative way. Not again.

But I might just be getting ahead of myself. I haven't even heard from Mark yet. Hopefully he'll get back to me by tomorrow. Sooo...wish me luck!

First Date...Again.

I have a date!

Brandon called me tonight around 10:30, he got sent home from work early cuz it was slow. We talked for a while. Then he asked me what I was doing this Sunday night. I said I had no idea.

"Well...do you wanna do something?" He asked.

"Something like what?"

I mentioned to him the other day that I wanted him to start planning things. Not necessarily expensive things, just things for us to actually go out and do!

"Ummm...I dunno. I'd have to think about that." He said.

"Well then you think of something, and when you do, I'll give you an answer." I said, coyly.

"Ok, how 'bout I cook for you? Annnnd we can get a movie out of a Redbox or something."

"Hmmm... Ok, well what are you gonna cook?" I asked, with a smile.

"What would you like me to cook?"

"Well, you can't go wrong with fish, cuz I love fish!"

"Fish, huh?"

"It's my favorite! So are you gonna cook at my place, or yours?"

"Well...I could cook at your place, if you'd like."

"Sounds perfect! I'll get the wine, and you make the dinner." I said.

"Ok then. Sounds like a...date!" He hesitated a little before saying "date", almost as if he wasn't sure I would go for it.

"Sounds like it!" I said, to reassure him.

Shortly after, I told him I needed to go practice piano, and I got off the phone with him.

But I'm excited about our date!

The only thing I'm wondering about is...is this gonna be like a First Date? Do First Date rules apply here? Would it be an appropriate time for me to kiss him? Because I wasn't really planning on doing that so soon, but get a little wine in me and who knows what I'll do! I mean, I definitely won't make the first move, but if he does, I'm gonna have to kiss him back! I mean, a little kissing can't hurt. Can it?

A Good Day

Taryn's birthday party was fun! I put on my sexy new dress, and my gold satin pumps, which matched perfectly, and headed out to the restaurant, feeling pretty damn good!

Brandon showed up shortly after I did, with Mr. S.'s brother, Anthony. I was surprised when he sat down next to me, instead of Anthony, since they're pretty much inseparable these days. Seriously, they play golf together like 3 days a week. Summer and Ben sat across from me at the table and we goofed off and talked for most of the dinner. Brandon was pretty quiet throughout dinner, but I assumed it was because he was sitting at the end of the table.

After we ate, we all headed over to my old bar, which is where most of the other people still work. Mr. S. gave us 2 free bottles, and we all made ourselves comfortable. After eating all that food, I wasn't really feeling up to drinking. I had a couple shots, and my stomach was already protesting. So I just took it easy. Bethany and Tug, Summer and Ben, and Ali all left early because they had work in the morning. So I hung out with Misty, and Sheila.

At one point, I noticed Brandon talking to some girl. It was obvious that they knew each other. She wasn't pretty or anything, and I could tell he wasn't into her, but she kept touching his hair, (which was in a ponytail because he really needs a haircut!) which I thought was a little weird. So I walked right past them and out the front door. I contemplated leaving, cuz I was kind of bored, and Brandon was ignoring me, but I ran into Gavin outside and stopped to chat with him. That was when Brandon walked outside. I could tell he was hurrying out to see if I'd left. But he practically stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there with Gavin.

It was weird, because I didn't even think he'd noticed me leave, but apparently he was paying closer attention to me than I thought. Which is a dynamic that's different for us, but I think I like it. So I decided to stay, and went back inside.

When the bar closed, a smaller group of us went back to Mr. S.'s house. I left my car in the parking lot at the bar, and drove Anthony's car, with him and a few others in the back. Anthony was definitely too drunk to drive.

So we hung out at Mr. S.'s place for a while, and then I asked Brandon if he'd be able to drive me back to my car when he left. And he said sure. So, around 4:30, everyone left Mr. S.'s house. When Brandon and I got to my car I asked him what he was gonna do.

"I guess I'm just gonna go home."

"Wanna come over?" I asked. I couldn't resist.

He hesitated. "Ummm..."

"It's a simple question. You can say no." I said, smiling at his nervousness.

"Ok. I'll come over. " He said, nodding.

So he followed me back to my place. I let him stay in my bed this time, but nothing happened! We just laid there and talked for a really long time. I explained to him that I just wanted us to be really open and honest going into this, because I want him to be clear about what my expectations are. I don't want us to repeat our mistakes over and over again. And he agreed, and he said he's gonna try not to be so distant, and be more open with me about his feelings. Eventually we fell asleep. This afternoon, I woke up to Brandon's arm around me. :) It was such a wonderful feeling.

When we got up, we decided to go get breakfast/lunch/dinner, at our old spot, Chili's. Hehe. We stayed there for a long time too, talking. And I told him that even though I wanted us to take things slow, I expected him to actually court me, and that I didn't want us to just slip back into our old routine.

Then we talked about other stuff, our lives, jobs, etc. His dad is getting married this Saturday, and he's pretty nervous about seeing him since they have so many unresolved issues. He's also planning to move out of that house he's been living in. He's moving back in with his grandparents. Which, I do think is pretty lame, but I absolutely hate that roommate of his. He's a lazy asshole, and a bad influence, and anything is better than Brandon living with him. Plus, he said he's trying to save money, and he doesn't want to rent anymore. He wants to save up and buy his own place. So I can respect that.

After we ate, he actually opened the car door for me! I think it's cuz I made some comment earlier about chivalry being dead. ;)

I sent him a text after he left that said, "Thanks for taking me to breakfast/lunch/dinner!"

And he said, "No problem. It was fun and good to get some things out. Thanks for listening."

And I said, "Anytime."

I think, so far, things are going really well between us.

Even though, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to kiss him sooooo badly this morning! But I resisted the urge. I don't wanna ruin a good thing.

Earlier, I was reading through some of my old blogs, and I realized that exactly a year ago today, Brandon and I met for the first time. :)

What are the chances?