Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tying Up Loose Ends

I know I said I was going to leave Todd and Laura alone, but I just haven't been able to get Todd out of my head. I don't like the way we left things, and I've been thinking about it a lot. Especially since I'm moving. I just don't want to leave any unresolved issues behind. So I got to thinking... Obviously, my loyalty is to Todd, since he is my friend, but since he loves Laura, it's definitely a not a bad idea to get in her good graces. And I do like her, and I think she's a good person, etc. I'm just not so sure how she feels about me at this point. So I figured I should talk to her first. But how? There's just so much I need to say, and I didn't think I'd be able to get it all out over the phone. So I started writing... keeping in mind that whatever I said to Laura, she would tell Todd, and vice versa. I even thought about writing Todd and Laura at the same time, and saying everything I need to say to both of them at once, but I didn't think that would be personal enough. So I wrote Laura an email. Here it is...

Hey Laura,

I'm sure you're thinking this is weird and random, me writing to you, but over the past few months, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I may have lost a friendship because I made a mistake...or 2 or 5... And I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep ignoring these feelings, I have to at least try to change things.
I'm sure Todd told you everything that happened last March, and I've been basically assuming that neither of you want to talk to me anymore. I'm more than ashamed of what I put Todd through, all the bullshit, and all the drama, but I really just want you to know, that I never tried to steal Todd away from you, or manipulate either of you in any way.
I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, my parents were splitting up, I got majorly fucked over by someone I thought I was a trustworthy friend, and I was just...a mess. Todd has always been a good friend to me, as you know, and I did develop some feelings for him, but he made it very clear to me that he did not return those feelings. It was hard to accept, and definitely made things awkward between us for a while, but after several months of thinking about it, I know now that he was right about everything, of course. I do remember you asking me if I ever had feelings for Todd, and I know I lied to you. But I didn't do it because I was trying to deceive you. I just didn't want to lose your respect, or friendship, if that's what it was. I had so much fun with you at the Superbowl, and it felt like we were finally starting to be more than just acquaintances, and I didn't want to fuck that up. And I knew that nothing was going to happen with me and Todd. I just wanted to put everything behind me and move on, so I lied to you, and told you that I didn't have feelings for him. But even then, I only wanted him to be happy. Even if I didn't do the best job of showing it, I just wanted him to be with someone who deserves him, and really knows him for who he is on the inside, and loves him for that. Not his paycheck, or his status, or his fame, if you wanna call it that. I was worried for a while that he might find himself surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. People who just want to use him, and get what they can out of him. I guess I sort of feel protective of him in a way.
I was so happy when I found out you guys got back together, because you DO know Todd inside and out, you make him happy, and you love him for WHO he is, not WHAT he is. And I need you to know that I would never do anything intentionally to get between you two, or disrupt, or disrespect your relationship in any way. I love Todd, as a friend who I've known since grade school, and I know he loves you. Which is more than enough reason for me to value your opinion. And I have always liked you, Laura. I think you're beautiful, and smart, and a genuine, caring person. I don't want you to think badly of me because of any impressions you might have gotten of me in the past. I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me around Todd, because I would never try to get between you guys. And mostly, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, because I like pretty much everyone! And I'm not a threat to you. Any feelings I thought I had for Todd, are definitely long gone.
Even though he and I haven't talked much in the past few months, as I'm sure you already know, I still count him among my best friends, and I still love him like a family member. That will never change. I just feel really awful about the way things have turned out, and I wish we could all just go back to being friends again. I'm not deluding myself into thinking things can go back to the way they were before, but I do hope they will get better than this. I'm moving to Chicago in a little less than a month, and I just don't want to leave knowing that I totally fucked up and lost 2 friends because I acted like a hot mess for 2 months. I'm sorry for any confusion, or hurt that I may have caused you. And I'm sorry for lying to you. But I hope you do know that I care about you and Todd, and even if you guys don't want to talk to me, which I will understand, I just want you both to be happy.
My hope is that we can put everything behind us, and just be friends.


Then I sent it.
After that I sent Todd a text message, that just said, "Todd, I want our friendship back. Tell me what I have to do to make that happen."
Simple, and to the point. And since it was already 3am when I sent the message, I figured he wouldn't read it till the next day, hopefully around the same time Laura checked her email.
I've been checking my messages all day, hoping to hear something back from Laura or Todd, but still nothing. Nothing from either of them, till about 8:30pm. Todd texted me, asking me if I had a good chunk of time to talk tonight. Unfortunately I had to tell him no, because I was at my Mom's at the time, and heading to Bethany's afterwards to bring her some cookies I made her. I explained why, and he said he was sorry about Bethany's mom and that we would get together soon. ((Sigh)) I'm really anxious about this conversation with him. I feel like I'm about to get a lecture or something. All I want is for things to go back to a semi-normal state between he and I. I don't wanna feel like a pariah around him anymore. So why am I so scared to talk to him???


sweetcanadian said...

glad u are posting again, i forgot about this blog since i can't follow it and you weren't postingfor a while.

Sorry to hear about your friends mom, sudden deaths are very hard, not that they aren't if you know it is coming but at least you can prepare, glad that even through the bs before you are totally standing by your friend through it all.

As for todd & laura i am really disappointed in him, i know you have done alot & not been perfect in that aspect but you can't tell someone you will always be friends & the minute they screw up turn your back on them for a relationship. Not saying the relationship is not important but if you held those feelings in for that long without acting on them you wouldn't have done anything while he was with laura. Especially since he didn't know if she was a forever girl & had psycho moments. You don't destroy a friendship over that UNLESS you did something completely unforgivable.

Anonymous said...

First off, I was so excited the other day when I came to your blog and saw that you started writing again! I've literally been following the blog since you first posted way bac when. You are my favorite blogger, because your writing style is amazing, your stories interesting and thankfully, you use proper punctuation!
I also thought that this letter you sent to Laura was beautifully written. I initially thought that writig to her was a bad idea and you needed to just accept that loss and move on, but after reading it I think it was a good idea afterall. It really does explain things, and shows how much you care, and are willing to accept consequences but still hopeful. It's very mature. Nicely done. :)
Don't worry about your chat with him. I think that you'll be able to really move on with them after it. Maybe you'll get a lecture, maybe you'll get a great conversation. I thin that this is the last big part of resolving issues between you guys, just prepare yourself for things to go either way.
Good luck for everything and your Chicago move and welcome back!!!

Anonymous said...

Off topic, but is that picture at the top of you? You're really pretty if it is!