When she got to his house, she had no intentions of it happening. I mean, sure, she had considered it multiple times but... How do you ever know when you're ready for something like that?
Plus, she had always thought she'd wait. You know, for marriage. Most people thought such ideas were just romantic notions of naivety. But that was how she was raised, and she wasn't just going to give it up to anybody.
But he wasn't just anybody. He was special.
The night started out just like any other. They went upstairs to his room, turned off the lights, and turned on the TV. Even after so many nights of hanging out in his room, she still felt nervous. Almost awkward. She often wondered what he was thinking during those pregnant moments of silence they often shared.
As they made themselves comfortable on his bed, she was reminded how much she hated it. It was a water bed. Loud and sloshy and wiggly. Every time she started to get cozy, she began to feel as if she were drowning. It was as if they bed were trying to swallow her. Oh well. Might as well get used to it. She crawled under his comforter; it was always cold in his room. As she was laying there, staring at the television, her thoughts drifted back to their evening. The fancy dinner, the poem she'd given him. She must have spent at least 3 days perfecting it. She had never given him anything so personal before. But he said it was good. She wished he wasn't leaving tomorrow. How could she go from seeing him almost every day, to just weekends, at best?
She guessed she loved him. I mean, if this wasn't love, what was? She knew she had never felt so strongly attached to anyone before. It was as if she needed him. And the thought of not having him made her stomach knot up. She subconsciously wrapped her arms around her stomach, as if to hold herself together. He thought she was cold, and put an arm around her.
She turned to look at him. He smiled a nervous smile and kissed her. His kiss was more intense, more...urgent than normal. She could sense it. She wanted to ask him, but he pulled away first.
"I got condoms today." He said.
"Ok." She whispered.
She swallowed hard as he reached over her for the drawer in his bedside table. Her heart began pounding almost audibly in her chest. What about waiting? What about him leaving? What would she do?
Thoughts, in the form of questions, went racing through her mind. She wasn't even aware of either of them undressing. They were still under the covers. The TV was still on, but the volume was low enough to be background noise. It was dark. She didn't even see what he looked like naked.
Breathing became something she suddenly had to think about. Just like blinking, or swallowing. She was hyper-aware of herself. What kind of underwear was she wearing? Oh no, not those ugly purple ones with the flowers... Maybe he won't see them.
Then, there was nothing else for them to do, except cross the threshold. She was hesitant. There was no turning back on this one. She would never be the same.
He had done it once before. On New Years Eve with a girl he was dating. She had been a lot more experienced than him, and he had been drunk. What kind of a first time was that? It didn't work out.
He started slowly, but she stopped him.
All her muscles were contracted. She was so tense. She took a deep breath and tried to relax.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
She nodded, quickly and nervously. Then she loosened her grip on his sides.
He tried again.
She stopped him again. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Was it supposed to hurt this bad? I mean, she had heard that it did, the first time, but...
"Just come a little closer." She said to him.
He was very patient. She appreciated that.
"Ok, a little bit closer."
The pain was worse. She had to stop him. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now. She was afraid he would notice. He did.
"I don't wanna hurt you," He told her as he brushed the tears from her face. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want."
"No, it's ok. I do want to. Just...go slow." She whispered.
She let him enter her completely. It had to get worse before it got better, right?
It hurt so bad, it made her think of the time she first got her ears pierced. The sharp, intense pain. The breaking of skin. The hyperventilating.
But then...the pain was gone, and all she could feel was him. So close, so...beautiful. And she knew, she must love him. How could she not?
It was everything, and nothing like she had expected. She supposed she hadn't really had many expectations. Other than it would be with someone she loved. And he was so kind, so patient, so...wonderful. And now she had all of him. And he had all of her. What could be more amazing?