Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Love: The Great Debate

Lately, I've found that two different sides of my personality have been having this recurring internal argument about love.

My jaded, possibly bitter, definitely pragmatic side argues that love is probably not real at all. It's just a fluff word that people use to romanticize something that is convenient for them. When you're young, you may "fall in love" a time or two. It's new, it's exciting, you're experiencing all these new things and sharing them with another person. But that newness, that fire, it always wears off eventually. Usually when you discover that the guy you're seeing is actually a vile, semi-comatose troll, or a perhaps nymphomaniac, whose tastes aren't limited to just you. And then you tell yourself, "Oh, I'm so young, I have so much time, and I'm sure The One will come along eventually. No rush to meet someone now."

And then you get a little older, like me, and you find that dating is like a second job. A job you hate and don't get paid for and find yourself constantly wondering why you're doing it. The men you meet are few and far between. You go for months without speaking to anyone of the opposite sex. Finally you're like, "Well fuck, I'm never gonna meet anyone, and all the good ones are already taken, and God why am I so damn picky? Perhaps I should just accept my fate as a spinster and start watching the home shopping network and collecting cats."

Then another 10 years go by and maybe you meet someone who really makes you laugh, or who's always around when you want to veg out in front of the television, or maybe they're just good in bed, and despite your lack of attraction to this person, or the fact that he is a foot shorter than you, or 20 pounds overweight, or $50k in debt, you think, "Sure, yea I could spend the rest of my life with this person. I mean it's better than being alone. At least I'll be able to get a house and have someone to split the mortgage with." Or maybe you're one of those people who really wants kids, and you're sick of waiting for Mister Perfect to come along, so you just pick a guy who's able to support a family, and wants kids as much as you do. Or, maybe you're sick of living paycheck to paycheck, so when you meet a man who's wealthy, you look past his saggy man boobs, silver ball hair and hemorrhoids, and marry him.

All these things have to be taken into consideration when choosing a life companion. So where does the fabled and elusive "Love" actually come into play? I don't think it actually does. I think it's just a nice name for all these conveniences, these necessary affiliations. I think Love is just what people call it, so that when they go to bed at night, they can feel ok about their relationship and their life, because really all people want is security, stability. When you get to be 35-40, you don't want to wake up wondering if you have enough money in your checking account to pay your rent. You don't want to have that same nagging conversation in your head about whether there actually is a guy out there for you. You don't want to sit alone in your studio apartment wondering how long it would take for someone to find you if you were to drop dead at that very moment. You want to know you're going to be ok.
And that's why I think Love doesn't really exist.

On the other hand, my romantic, dare to be hopeful side, thinks that if people are still getting married, there must be something to it. There must be some rhyme or reason behind fairy tales and love stories. Right? Awe fuck it.


Stephanie said...

Peyton, you are trying too hard and looking in all the wrong places. There is no such thing as a perfect guy, as there is no perfect female. We all have imperfections. You don't have to settle for someone, but it does help if you decide if those imperfections out weigh your feelings for the person you have feelings for. I personally, have been married for almost 5 years and we have been together for almost 8 years. There were definitely bad times, hell, there still are bad times, but the good is dominant. My husband drinks daily, hasa beer gut, as well as other bad things, but he still makes me feel special. It doesn't have to be all the time, but its enough to keep us happy. We don't spend 100% of our free time together because we have separate hobbies and three kids, but we do make what time we have together count. I am almost 35 years old, and we are doing okay financially, but there are still times money is an issue. Girl, don't overthink each relationship or potential relationship. Go with the flow, don't rush things, and just see where they go. When we first started dating, my husband told me he was going to be a dad. A girl he had dated 3 weeks was pregnant. I was okay with that. After the baby was born, I actually ended our relationship because I knew him well enough to know if he didn't try to have a relationship with his son's mom, he would regret it because he was from a broken home. It took him 6-7 months to realize it wasnt going to work. We have beem together since. Love does exist! Decide what is a just for you in a relationship, what you can live with and live without. Get out of your comfort zone and go places other than bars to hang out. Dog park, lake, etc. Expand your friends. Look for older people to make friends with. If possible, look for a different job. Bartending does allow flexibility because of school but is there something else you could do? Keep that chin up, and don't try to control everything. When you aren't looking will be when you find that person to possibly fall in love with. STAY POSITIVE!!!

Anonymous said...

i LOVE this post. i am 29 and in the exact same situation as you. i have this internal fight with myself all the time. i think the most important thing to do (even though i KNOW it's difficult) is to remain positive and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason and hopefully eventually everything will work out. my fingers are crossed :)


Krystin said...

Trust me... Love DOES exist! It took me a long time to find my Mr. Right (not the perfect guy, just the perfect guy for me). In my early-mid 30's, I gave up the search and just started having fun: fun w/ friends, fun living in a beach community, fun having flings with much younger men.

Then my friend broke up with his gf of 5 yrs in early 2010 and we started spending more time together. By Sept. 2010 I realized I missed him ALOT when he went on a trip. When he came back and told me he was considering moving to another state, I freaked and told him I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He said he didn't realized I felt that way.. I said I didn't either.

We started dating and went from 0-60 in a month. I moved in with him in March 2011, he proposed in April 2011, and we were married last October. Now we are expecting our first child. I just turned 42 on Aug. 29th.

Do i think you'll be single as long as me? Hell no! I'm the exception. I was just picky... I didn't have the right connection with anyone so I preferred to stay single rather than settle for the wrong guy.

I'm so glad i did.. My hubby is the reason I waited. He's everything I've ever looked for in a guy. yes he has faults. So do I. But we love each other, faults and all. We love spending time together, even if it's just cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I'm so happy i get to spend the rest of my life with him.

So yes... Love DOES exist. The love songs are true. I'm not talking about butterflies and fireworks love, I'm talking about comfortable with each other in sweats just hanging out at home love. Someone who is a friend and a lover.

Just have fun, broaden your horizons, and if you don't have the right connection with someone, don't settle.

Anonymous said...

I personally believe love is real. I met my husband 12 years ago. I stayed with him for 2 years then we got married. I panicked. I am in my early 20's I couldn't possibly have been lucky enough to find the love of my life. Then I bailed. Said I needed space. Said he needed space. He was only 3 years older than me. I dated, he dated. It lasted a year we both just ended up gravitating back to each other as friends not sexually. He started getting very serious with another girl. she wanted to have a baby get married the whole nine. He called me one night at 1 am in the parking lot of a walgreens saying she is inside getting a pregnancy test. He begged me to tell him if I really wanted to be separated. I told him I couldn't get in the way right now what if she is pregnant? He said then and there he hoped to god she wasn't if she was it would be the biggest mistake of his life. The pregnancy test came out negative. He had to cut ties right there. We took it slow but it just felt so right. That was 8 years ago. We are still married, I just turned 30,I'm pregnant with our 1st (& 2nd child twins :). and he is still my best friend. I still have that feeling of love and lust. I honestly and truly want noone else. Its awesome. Do I believe love exist yea. Some people are more lucky and find it quicker but for others it just takes longer. Keep your eyes and your heart open. That is just my take on it anyway. Good luck doll!