White Christmas

So many great things going on here in Chicago!

Sister and I went an saw an awesome improv show last night, and there was this really hot guy in the show! We also facebook stalked him and found out he's equally as crazy about Harry Potter as I am. He may just be my future husband, this guy. Haha.

I put a deposit down on an apartment, and it's great! Well, it's a condo actually, and I'll be living with 2 guys. One of them is a firefighter, and the other is a bartender. I didn't get to meet the bartender, but I did get to meet Dane, the firefighter. He's kinda shy, and quiet, but really nice. And I bet he has some hot firefighter friends....

Oh, and the place is awesome! My room is big, with it's own door to the outside, perfect for Jasper. There's also a completely fenced-in courtyard in the back for him to play in. And the condo itself is really nice. Dark wood floors, very spacious, 2 floors. Love it! I'm so excited to move here!

Tonight Sophie, Brent, Taylor and I all had lasagna and eggnog, watched a movie, played ghetto scrabble and then went out for a walk around the neighborhood... Which ended up turning into an hour long snowball fight. It was a blast. And I'm so glad I get to have a white Christmas this year, as opposed to the 80 degree weather I left back in Houston!

Well, I just wanted to give you guys a quick update. Hope everyone is having a fabulous holiday!

Happy Christmas!

Love,

Peyton

Fall Into Place

Thursday afternoon, Todd finally called. And we had a great conversation. He said he was sorry for not calling last week, but he was busy, and he wanted to make sure we would have enough time to talk. He said that what I wrote to Laura made a world of difference to her, and in so doing, to him as well. He reiterated that it was really great the way I just laid everything out, clean and simple, because I guess she told him she wanted to call or write me, but just didn't know what to say. And Laura's not one to confront people. She errs on the side of just leaving things alone till they go away. Which obviously, rarely happens. But Todd said, since I put everything on the table for her, she completely understands the situation now, and is totally cool with Todd and I hanging out in the future. He also told me that she was never really comfortable with me and him hanging out one-on-one before, but he would hang out with me anyways, and then feel kinda guilty about it later, since he knew she didn't like it. But Todd said he talked to Laura about me, post email, and now she's totally fine with everything. He also apologized for the way he handled things too, and he said he had no idea about everything that was going on with my parents, and he's sorry, and he understands what I must have been going through. We both agreed that we care a lot about each other, he actually even used the word 'love', and that we don't want something like this to ruin our friendship. He said I've always been one of his best friends in the world, and he wants it to stay that way, so we're finally going to leave the past in the past, and just move on.

Then he asked me about my move, and school, and what's going on with me, etc. We obviously had a lot of catching up to do. He even told me that he may be playing a game at the Bears stadium in January, so perhaps I'll get to see him in Chicago! Of course, we're going to try to hang out at least once before I move, but since he doesn't get his schedule till the week of, it's hard for him to make plans, so he's not sure when or if he'll be coming to Houston anytime soon.

But I just feel so...relieved that this is finally laid to rest. And I have my friend back. It's been gnawing away at me for so long, that it's like a huge weight off my shoulders.

:)

Things are actually starting to just...fall into place.

Now if only all my belongings would just fall into boxes....

Reconnecting

Bethany's Mom's memorial service was on Saturday. Ali and I rode together, and met up with Cameryn and a couple other girls. The service was beautiful, and of course very sad. The worst part was seeing Bethany walking down the church aisle, arm and arm with her father, both of them crying. All of us cried. How could we not? :(

I've been calling to check on Beth every day, just to see how she's doing. Actually, it's been nice to reconnect with her, even under the shitty circumstances, but I feel like it's bringing us closer together again. Bethany's boyfriend, Tony, canceled his flight back to New Orleans, so he's still here with her, and she seems like she's doing a lot better. The 3 of us met for happy hour yesterday at a sushi place. They were both trying to convince me to go to NOLA with them for New Year's Eve, but since my lease ends that day, and my dad is anxious to pack up the U-Haul and hit the road, I don't think traveling is going to be an option for me. Which really sucks, since all my friends are going out of town for NYE. Bethany and Tony are going to NOLA, Taryn, Dahmer, Carrie, Rory and George are all going to Austin, Ali is working... ((sigh)) So as of right now, it looks like I'm going to be spending NYE alone in an empty apartment. So much for my awesome dress and sparkly red shoes I bought for the occasion. I spent a whole day wallowing, crying intermittently and generally feeling sorry for myself when I realized this, but I'm pretty much over it now I guess. At least this week I am.

Maybe I'll wear my NYE outfit to our Second Annual White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party instead. We're having it tomorrow, at Ben's house, just like last year. I invited Law School again, not as a date, but just in case he wants to come. But I dunno if he will. It should be fun though. Although I will be dateless.

Things with Gavin and I have been kind of weird lately too. He keeps blowing me off and I'm getting really sick of it. I guess at this point, it shouldn't really matter anyway, since I'm moving in like 2 weeks. So I've decided I'm just gonna stop talking to him all together. Sex once a month isn't worth the frustrations he's been putting me through recently. And it's not even like I'm mad at him, or feeling rejected, it's just the annoyance of being blown off by a friend, repeatedly. Ya know? It gets old after a while.

Anyway, I'm sure you guys are wondering what happened with Todd and I, so I hate to disappoint you, but the answer is nothing. He never called. ((Sigh)) I've thought about calling him, I just...haven't gotten around to it I guess. And I know he's so busy, I don't wanna call and then catch him at a bad time, and then he never calls me back. But I did hear from Laura. She wrote me back yesterday. I'll paste.

Peyton-

First of all I am so incredibly sorry it took me this long to respond. I promise I didn't do it intentionally!Thank you so much for writing to me, I've been meaning to write to you as well just never knew exactly what to say. Anyways I appreciate your apology and I understand (as much as one could) everything that you were going through. I would totally enjoy being friends with you again. So congrats on chicago and your scholarship and I hope to see you soon :)

And again so sorry this is so late!

Btw Todd is bartending at a bar in new orleans right now and let's just say he could really use your help! Lol He looks terrified!

Laura

I was so relieved to find out she doesn't hate me, or hold a grudge against me. I immediately wrote her back.

Laura,

So good to hear from you, Laura! I'm glad you don't hate me, haha. Don't really know what to think about Todd bartending other than...why?? Lol. But thanks for the congratulations, I am really excited! MIGHT be going to nola for NYE with Bethany, so maybe I will see you! And def shoot me a text if you're gonna be out in HTown any time soon!

Peyton

So now that I know how she feels, I'm not as nervous to talk to Todd. Maybe I'll give him a call tonight...

Tying Up Loose Ends

I know I said I was going to leave Todd and Laura alone, but I just haven't been able to get Todd out of my head. I don't like the way we left things, and I've been thinking about it a lot. Especially since I'm moving. I just don't want to leave any unresolved issues behind. So I got to thinking... Obviously, my loyalty is to Todd, since he is my friend, but since he loves Laura, it's definitely a not a bad idea to get in her good graces. And I do like her, and I think she's a good person, etc. I'm just not so sure how she feels about me at this point. So I figured I should talk to her first. But how? There's just so much I need to say, and I didn't think I'd be able to get it all out over the phone. So I started writing... keeping in mind that whatever I said to Laura, she would tell Todd, and vice versa. I even thought about writing Todd and Laura at the same time, and saying everything I need to say to both of them at once, but I didn't think that would be personal enough. So I wrote Laura an email. Here it is...

Hey Laura,

I'm sure you're thinking this is weird and random, me writing to you, but over the past few months, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I may have lost a friendship because I made a mistake...or 2 or 5... And I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep ignoring these feelings, I have to at least try to change things.
I'm sure Todd told you everything that happened last March, and I've been basically assuming that neither of you want to talk to me anymore. I'm more than ashamed of what I put Todd through, all the bullshit, and all the drama, but I really just want you to know, that I never tried to steal Todd away from you, or manipulate either of you in any way.
I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, my parents were splitting up, I got majorly fucked over by someone I thought I was a trustworthy friend, and I was just...a mess. Todd has always been a good friend to me, as you know, and I did develop some feelings for him, but he made it very clear to me that he did not return those feelings. It was hard to accept, and definitely made things awkward between us for a while, but after several months of thinking about it, I know now that he was right about everything, of course. I do remember you asking me if I ever had feelings for Todd, and I know I lied to you. But I didn't do it because I was trying to deceive you. I just didn't want to lose your respect, or friendship, if that's what it was. I had so much fun with you at the Superbowl, and it felt like we were finally starting to be more than just acquaintances, and I didn't want to fuck that up. And I knew that nothing was going to happen with me and Todd. I just wanted to put everything behind me and move on, so I lied to you, and told you that I didn't have feelings for him. But even then, I only wanted him to be happy. Even if I didn't do the best job of showing it, I just wanted him to be with someone who deserves him, and really knows him for who he is on the inside, and loves him for that. Not his paycheck, or his status, or his fame, if you wanna call it that. I was worried for a while that he might find himself surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. People who just want to use him, and get what they can out of him. I guess I sort of feel protective of him in a way.
I was so happy when I found out you guys got back together, because you DO know Todd inside and out, you make him happy, and you love him for WHO he is, not WHAT he is. And I need you to know that I would never do anything intentionally to get between you two, or disrupt, or disrespect your relationship in any way. I love Todd, as a friend who I've known since grade school, and I know he loves you. Which is more than enough reason for me to value your opinion. And I have always liked you, Laura. I think you're beautiful, and smart, and a genuine, caring person. I don't want you to think badly of me because of any impressions you might have gotten of me in the past. I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me around Todd, because I would never try to get between you guys. And mostly, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, because I like pretty much everyone! And I'm not a threat to you. Any feelings I thought I had for Todd, are definitely long gone.
Even though he and I haven't talked much in the past few months, as I'm sure you already know, I still count him among my best friends, and I still love him like a family member. That will never change. I just feel really awful about the way things have turned out, and I wish we could all just go back to being friends again. I'm not deluding myself into thinking things can go back to the way they were before, but I do hope they will get better than this. I'm moving to Chicago in a little less than a month, and I just don't want to leave knowing that I totally fucked up and lost 2 friends because I acted like a hot mess for 2 months. I'm sorry for any confusion, or hurt that I may have caused you. And I'm sorry for lying to you. But I hope you do know that I care about you and Todd, and even if you guys don't want to talk to me, which I will understand, I just want you both to be happy.
My hope is that we can put everything behind us, and just be friends.

-Peyton

Then I sent it.

After that I sent Todd a text message, that just said, "Todd, I want our friendship back. Tell me what I have to do to make that happen."

Simple, and to the point. And since it was already 3am when I sent the message, I figured he wouldn't read it till the next day, hopefully around the same time Laura checked her email.

I've been checking my messages all day, hoping to hear something back from Laura or Todd, but still nothing. Nothing from either of them, till about 8:30pm. Todd texted me, asking me if I had a good chunk of time to talk tonight. Unfortunately I had to tell him no, because I was at my Mom's at the time, and heading to Bethany's afterwards to bring her some cookies I made her. I explained why, and he said he was sorry about Bethany's mom and that we would get together soon. ((Sigh)) I'm really anxious about this conversation with him. I feel like I'm about to get a lecture or something. All I want is for things to go back to a semi-normal state between he and I. I don't wanna feel like a pariah around him anymore. So why am I so scared to talk to him???

What Can I Do?

Today has been crazy...

I got a call from Bethany around 4, I was getting ready for my therapist appointment. She said she had just gotten a call at work, that her mom had suffered a heart attack at work (she works in a hospital). Her boyfriend, Tony, was on his way to pick her up from work and drive her there. And of course, she was totally freaking out, and nervous, and upset. I tried to calm her down, and reassure her. Her mom is the director of surgery, she'll definitely get the best doctors and the best care, and she's young, so she has that in her favor, etc...

Then Tony pulled up so she had to let me go, but I told her to keep me posted on everything. So I went to therapy, and at the end of our session, I was getting out my phone, to check my calendar, when I saw I had a text from Bethany.

"My mom passed away."

I was so shocked I had to sit back down. All I could think about was how awful she must feel, and how that could be me, that could have been my mom. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I immediately called her as soon as I left the building. She seemed numb, deadpan, and it was obvious that she'd been crying. I asked her what happened, and she said that her mom had been in meetings with doctors all day, everyone said she seemed fine, and in a good mood. Then in the middle of her meeting, she started having what looked like seizure. She was shaking and her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she went into cardiac arrest. Of course, being in a room full of doctors, they immediately sprang into action and she was in ICU being prepped for surgery moments later. The surgery turned up no blockages, or anything that could have caused her heart attack. It's a total mystery. But she was weak afterwards, and on life support, which could only sustain her for about an hour, until she finally passed. Luckily Bethany was there by that time. I didn't ask if she got to say any goodbyes, or talk to her. I just still can't believe it.

I told her if there was anything she needed at all, just to name it. And she said she was ok, and with family, and she'd call me back later.

After that, I called my mom, just to tell her I love her.

I talked to Bethany 4 times today, since it happened. The second time, she balled, and said she just didn't know how to process it. And the 3rd and 4th time she seemed detached once again, clearly in shock.

I've never had anyone close to me die. And I can't even imagine losing a parent. Especially at 25. Omg, I would lose it. My heart goes out to her completely. I just don't know what to do, or what to say, really. I mean, I can't really relate, and I'm not going to pretend to understand what she's going through. I guess all I can do is be there for her really.

Please everyone keep my friend's family in your prayers. Bethany has a brother, and her mom and dad were still together, and were very much in love from what I understand. I imagine her father is taking it horribly. Bethany even mentioned moving back home to be with him.

I just wish there was something more I could do. Does anyone have any ideas??? I'm totally clueless when it comes to this stuff. ((Tear))

A Much Needed Night Out

I dunno if I mentioned this before, but Taryn has a new boyfriend, who I have playfully nicknamed Dahmer (inside joke, lol). Anyways, he's super cool, and fun, and nice, yada yada yada... He's definitely good for Taryn, and the fact that he's gotten her to settle down really says something to his character. But anyway, Thursday night we all went out. Since I haven't been working during the week, I've had a lot of spare time, but not a lot of spare cash. But Dahmer convinced me to go up to my bar Thursday and meet him and some of the gang to watch the Texans game. Taryn was working, but scheduled to get off around 11, at which time, we would head out for a night on the town. So I steeled myself, and my wallet, and agreed. Then he insisted on coming to pick me up, so we could share a cab. So I pulled out my silk, skin tight, ruched purple skirt, and my favorite black suede wedges, put on a some mascara and a smile and I was ready!

Dahmer arrived right on time, told me I looked smokin' and opened the car door for me. I couldn't help but blush. It reminded me how long it's been since a guy has picked me up, opened the car door for me, and told me I looked pretty. And even though he wasn't my date, it still felt nice.

When we got to my bar, Bethany was there with her boyfriend, and Cameryn, and the rest of our group was already there hanging out at the bar. So I settled in at the corner of the bar with the group. It was about 9:30, so Taryn was still working, and the bar was crowded with rowdy Texans fans. I guess now would be a good time to introduce a couple new characters. Since Taryn and I have been hanging out a lot more over the last couple of friends, I've kind of melded into her group of friends, which are all pretty cool. First there's Carrie. She's one of Taryn's best friends from back in the day. She was living in Spain up until recently. She's super fun and crazy, and hilarious. The 3 of us always have a blast when we hang out. There's also Rory. He's a big, lovable bear of a guy. Super sweet, and chill.

And then there's George. Ohhh George. He's sarcastic and funny, but he has this...mean streak. Well maybe that's not the best word for it. He just gets into these pouty, brooding moods, and no matter what's going on, nothing can pull him out of it. And he and I tend to butt heads a lot. We like each other, but since we're both so sarcastic, he gets touchy sometimes with me, but I'm used to it by now.

And Dahmer, of course, but I already told you about him. So anyways, all of us were there last night, hanging out, having a good time. Dahmer bought a round of shots, then George did. And Cameryn had a celebratory bottle of champagne since finals week just ended, so I had a glass of champagne. So far, no money spent, yay! And I'm starting to feel a bit of a buzz, having a grand time, when I see Mitchell walk in.

"Hey!" I said to him. He walked over and gave me a hug. As we were hugging, over his shoulder I saw a short, dark haired head do a double take and make a beeline for the opposite direction: Melissa.

I couldn't have been tickled more. Nothing is so satisfying and amusing as her avoiding me the way she does because she feels GUILTY. Lol.

Apparently her new boyfriend is a friend of Mitchell's, so she was with their group. And Mitchell was hanging out with us, not in a hurry to escape to the opposite side of the bar, like Melissa was. It was just so...perfect. Her seeing me there, with my friends, laughing it up, having a fabulous time, and acting completely oblivious to her existence.

She wouldn't even turn her head in my direction if she thought I might see her. Even though I did, a couple of times. She just looked so pathetic, sitting at this little table by herself, off to the side, because she was too afraid to come over and join the group. Hahahahaha. Seriously, I think that made my night.

Of course, we didn't stay there, we went to a couple other bars afterward, and had an awesome night. And the best part? I only spent $4 on a cab ride home. :)

Plus, I just found out today that I'm getting a $10,800 scholarship for school!! Totally wasn't expecting that! Although after looking at the tuition cost, it doesn't seem like that's making much of a dent. But I can't complain about free money! Now I just have to find a place to live, and get some loans. ((Sigh)) So much to do, so little time.

Good Riddance?

So today, I get to work and I go to check my schedule. Low and behold, I only have TWO shifts next week! And I obviously can't live on 2 shifts a week. So I immediately text Mr. S to find out why. He's usually pretty receptive to any questions we have about schedule, since he's the one who makes it. Well he responds and tells me to ask Mr. P. So I texted him as well. Here's our conversation...

Me: Hey, how come I only have 2 shifts next week? Am I in trouble or something? Just wondering...

Mr. P : You are leaving in 3 weeks. I have to distribute the shifts to employees who are staying.

Me: I don't think that's fair at all. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I won't work as hard. And especially now; I could really use the money.

((No response for a while))

Me: I feel like I've really given a lot to you guys, and it just kinda seems like you're punishing me by taking away my shifts for that reason, which, I'm not gonna lie, and I know you don't really care, but that hurts my feelings.

Mr. P: I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't agree with that. And I also don't think that you are the hardest worker I have or the one with the best attitude.

Mr P: I think we have always been fair with you also. You will be gone in three weeks, and my other employees will not. Shifts are tight, [our Washington Bar] changed hours.

I didn't even bother to respond after that. I was just so upset. And I still am! I mean, he's treating me like I'm gone already! And I don't think it's right what he's doing. I mean, when I am actually gone, then he can give my shifts to the other employees, but as of right now, I am still an employee, and he has no right to take away my livelihood for that reason. And why did he have to throw that shit in about me not being the hardest worker with the best attitude? WTF was even the reason for that?? I never claimed to be perfect. And it's funny, because off the top of my head, I can name at least 3 people, with better schedules than me, who either A) slack off all the time, while I bartend circles around them, or B) complain and bitch constantly, or C) ALL OF THE ABOVE. And I don't do that shit. I come in ALWAYS on time, ALWAYS prepared, I work hard, and do my best, despite the fact that my ex is now my manager, among other things... I just do my job to the best of my ability! So why does he have to throw that in my face? To rub salt in the wound?? Oh, well here's your shitty schedule for next week. But you're leaving, and you suck anyway, so just deal with it.

!?!?!?

((Sigh))

So of course, after our conversation the last thing I felt like doing was working. I was so close to just walking out and never coming back. Except that I really, really need the money! I have to register for school next week, and I have NO IDEA how much that's going to cost. I'm already stressed out enough as it is. I could cry. I probably will. I'm thinking about talking about it with Mr. S, despite what Mr. P said. Maybe he would be more willing to work with me.

((Sigh))

I feel under-appreciated, brushed aside, already forgotten. I might as well not even be here anymore.

A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

Accepted

Little Black Dress for New Years Eve: $80

Sparkly Red Shoes, to wear with LBD on NYE: $70

Thin, Black, Sequined Headband for NYE: $7

One Pair of Hudson Jeans: $135

Getting into the School of My Dreams: PRICELESS

I GOT IN!!

...And then I did some shopping, obviously. Lol. Chicago is great! I love it already.It's not as intimidating as NYC, but just as exciting, and much more accessible. And I've already found a new favorite on-the-go cafe: Wow Bao. They have these sticky dough pastries filled with all kinds of delicious things!

I also saw like the hottest guy ever on the train today. Unfortunately I couldn't get on that train, because it was packed. But we made eye contact, and he winked at me. :)

Now I just have to find an apartment. The search begins tomorrow.

Here's Why

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I apologize if I worried anybody, I just needed a serious break, to just be introspective, and collect my thoughts I guess. But the urge to blog has bitten once again, and I know once I move, and have a lot to say and no one to talk to, I will start blogging more regularly.

Things here in Houston are just...not working out from me. I feel like I can't get out from under this...I don't even know what it is. I feel like I've been labeled "Brandon's ex girlfriend" and I just don't wanna be that anymore. I mean it's not that people think of me that way, it's that *I* think of me that way. And it doesn't help that he's now the assistant GM at my bar (Mark was let go) and I've been seeing more and more of his slore girlfriend. So much so that I had night after consecutive night of dreams about him/her/both of them...ugh. It's like I'll take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. There's no getting over this. And I don't understand it. This has never happened to me before. I have never struggled so much to move on from anything.

I just don't belong here anymore.

And since I decided to move and go to school in Chicago, there have been ups and downs. For one, I feel really good about this move, and I think it'll be the shove that I need to get my head above water again, and finally breathe some fresh air. I won't have to worry about seeing some semblance of Brandon around every corner. There are just too many memories here. Painful memories. And since I've never been to Chicago, I know I won't have to worry about that happening there. Plus, I applied to a school there, a really good school, to study photography, and I'll know within the next 2 weeks if I'm accepted or not. That will also help me to move on. Going back to school, doing what I love, having something to work towards.

The bad things are the stress. And the mourning. And the anxiety. I've never in my life had so much anxiety. I had an actual anxiety attack in the middle of the night last week. I woke up suddenly from a bad dream (I was at Brandon's wedding. And yes, he was marrying her) with this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like butterflies, but not the good kind. It was like a hard little ball of coiled up nerves, deep inside of me. Like I needed oxygen, but no matter how many deep breaths I took, it wouldn't go away. And it stayed with me for 48 hours! Luckily for me, I saw my therapist within that 48 hours, so that helped. But the strange thing was, I don't even know what it was that triggered this anxiety! I mean I couldn't really pinpoint one specific thing. It's just everything. Leaving my friends, and my family behind, moving all the way across the country, to a place I've never been, worrying about getting accepted to school, finding an apartment, moving in the dead of Chicago winter. ((Sigh)) Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. Not to mention the fact that every time I tell someone I'm moving to Chicago, the first thing they do is spout off all these negative things...it's too cold, it's too windy, I'm going to hate it there, etc... Why do people have to do that? Can't someone just say something positive for once?! Don't you think I'm freaked out enough already without all this shit!??! G's...

So anyway, this is a little bit of what's been happening.

My Mom just got her own apartment.

My Dad is online dating...ugh. Mostly bimbos too from what I've seen.

Brandon is now my manager. Which REALLY REALLY sucks.

Taryn is like my new best friend. We hang out at least twice a week, which has been awesome. She's fun, a great loyal friend, and NO DRAMA AT ALL!

I hardly see Bethany anymore now that she has a boyfriend, but also since we've stopped hanging out so much, the level of drama in my life has dramatically decreased.

Jenna got engaged last month. And I'm in the wedding, which is in April. She and I have been spending a lot of time together, which is cool, but I'm really gonna miss her when I go.

I'm going to Chicago on Saturday, for the first time ever, to tour the campus and look for apartments. I'll be staying with Sophie and Brent.

Oh! And Harry Potter World was AMAZING! I can't WAIT to go back! They have literally the best ride I have EVER been on at any theme park.

Sooooo that's what's been going on. I haven't back read any posts, so if I'm missing anything, or if you guys have any questions, feel free to ask, and I'll do my best to fill you in.

53 Days

I'm starting over. Finally. Leaving this life behind, and starting a totally new chapter. In about 53 days, I move to Chicago.

Then I will blog again.

HPWW!!

I'M GOING TO ORLANDO TONIGHT!! I'm so excited, I can't wait!!

So our employee boat trip got cancelled, because the boat company went out of business, but it's been rescheduled for Sunday, the 15th. Thank goodness it's not this weekend, otherwise I would miss it!

Well I don't really have anything else I guess, I just wanted to give you all a quick update, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about when I get back from THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!!!! :D

Bon Voyage!

Next Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Well, not really posted. I have a lot to write about actually, I just...haven't really been in the mood to blog. But now I have lots to write about so here goes...

Things with Todd and I have not improved. At all. In fact, I would say they're much worse. Apparently Laura told him about our conversation a few months ago, and not only did she make me out to be the devil's advocate, but she completely forgot to mention all the talking she did as well. ((Sigh)) It wasn't even like we were sitting there talking shit about Todd, we were just...commiserating. But it's my fault for thinking I could seek solace in my best friend's ex girlfriend. So now he thinks that I said he's turned into this huge, stuck-up, douchebag, famewhore. Ugh. And I even told him that I'm really truly sorry for saying anything at all, even though it wasn't that. And he just said, "I'm not mad, I'm just shocked. Sorry doesn't cut it."
So...WTF? What else can I do??
So I just said, "Well there's nothing else I can do or say, Todd. Either you accept my apology or you don't. Is this something we're gonna be able to get past? Because I just wish things could go back to the way they were."
To which he replied, "Yes, but I don't wanna think about this right now. I just need some time."
That was like 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

But, even though my relationship with Todd is heading in a southerly direction, one of my other friendships has improved. I met up with Law School finally, and we hashed everything out. I told him that I knew about the text messages between he and Melissa, and the shit talking, and the lying, and hiding things from me. He sincerely apologized and said the only reason he didn't tell me, was because he believed he was doing the right thing. He said since Melissa and I had been friends for longer than Law School and I, he thought it was only fair to defer to me and Melissa's friendship, and she didn't want to tell me. Although I don't think I would have done the same thing in that situation, I just decided I'm not going to dwell on it. I mean, he obviously felt bad, and put in the effort to show me he felt bad, so I should just forgive and forget, right? He and Melissa hardly even talk anymore, he said. But that doesn't matter either. He and I have texted back and forth a few times through out the week, and he's called me a couple times. So things between he and I are back to normal, I would say.

In other news, lots of stuff coming up! This coming Monday is my bar's annual boat party/staff outing! I'm so excited! and then on Thursday, I leave for Orlando to go to Harry Potter Wizarding World with Dad and Sophie!!! I'm even more excited for that! Oh, and did I tell you I bought my plane ticket to Chicago for Christmas?? :D
I only have one more month of working at my day job. I can't wait till September, ahhh! I'll have my life back again! When I'm in Chicago, Sophie and I are going to visit 2 campuses of schools that I'm interested in. And once I have my days free I'm going to start spending a lot more time thinking about schools, and working on my photography portfolio. Only problem is, my lease is about to be up, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that... But that's another can of worms I'm just not ready to acknowledge yet.

Oh, and I supposed I should update you guys on Kevin. I have no updates. ((Sigh)) I stopped texting him, and he stopped texting me. Of course it was always me initiating it, so that was a red flag right there. I did run into him last night and it was just...meh. No butterflies or anxiety about seeing him, just "hey". So it's definitely over between us, if there ever was anything to end. Oh well. Better luck next time?

Only In Dreams

He was so beautiful, but young. Too young. And why would he be
interested in me anyway? Guys at his age usually just wanna mess
around, be single and have a good time.
But there we were; he sat on the ground in front of me, with his back
pressed against my chest. My arms were wrapped loosely around his
midsection and my head rested comfortably on his shoulder. Then he
turned around and just kissed me.
I smiled, because I knew in that moment that nothing else mattered. So
what if he's a couple years younger than me? Who cares what people
think?

Three months later we were still together, still happy, falling in
love. He was my world, and I was his.

And I know He's out there somewhere. Whoever He is.

What's Going On With My Guys??

A lot of stuff has happened in the past 2 days, surprisingly, so I'm just going to start from the beginning.

Tuesday after work, I went up to my bar because they were testing out some new menu items and the managers asked us to come try it out. So Ali and I met up, and decided to hang out at my bar till the industry party, which didn't start till 11. I almost changed my mind about going, but I was already out, so I figured what the hell.
So Ali and I were sitting in a booth, chatting and killing time, and we were both messing around on Facebook, when I noticed some pictures of Todd and Laura. Together! So I immediately texted Laura, to find out if they were back together, and she said that yes, they had started talking again, and things were going great. And you have no idea how relieved and happy I was to hear this, because...after everything that's happened, I do think that Laura is the best thing for Todd right now. I don't know about for forever, but for now I think she's good for him. And they make each other happy, so I'm happy. So I sent Todd a text message...
"Hey Todd! I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but Laura told me you 2 are talking again and I just wanted to tell you that I think that's so great and I'm really, truly happy for you guys!"

Then he responded with,

"I'm not gonna lie Peyton, I'm a little hurt by what I've heard. She told me that you called her telling her that I was dating a girl with STDs and that I had changed a lot with the whole NFL mentality. What hurts the most is that you told her a month after we had supposedly resolved things. Then I flew in and out just for your birthday cause I wanted to show you how much our friendship meant to me. That's why I haven't talked to you, just didn't know what to say..."

I was so shocked and hurt when I read that. I mean...I thought we were past this? And honestly, I can't even remember exactly what I said to Laura that day she called me. But I know I didn't tell her he was dating someone with STDs! Maybe I might have said something jokingly, or flippant, and she took it the wrong way, but I wouldn't have said that to her, even if it was true, because that would only hurt her feelings. So I wrote back,

"What?? I never said you were dating a girl with stds, I don't know who has stds or not. Honestly I do think you've changed though, not necessarily for the worst, just different. You're more distant. I don't have any feelings for you in that way anymore, and I've figured out a lot of things. I was afraid of losing you as a friend and as an important person in my life and so I thought I must have romantic feelings for you. But in retrospect, I realize that we don't have that kind of chemistry. I love you as a friend and just want you to be happy. I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Laura. And I hope for that reason, you don't feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING that happened last Feb. Laura and I did talk twice. Once on FB and once she called me and we just talked...as girls. No shit talking about you. I'm sorry that you think that. But ever since the Jayme situation I've felt very discredited as far as you're concerned. It's like you don't believe anything I say anymore."

Todd: Well that's what she said, she would have no reason to lie. Same stuff I heard from you directly while everything was going on...

Me: I'm not going to play he said she said. Believe what you want, Todd. All of that shit is in the past. I don't even think about it anymore. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. Your prerogative. Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for you

Todd: Ok well thank you, with the family, let's talk soon.

Me: Ok

((Sigh))
I tried to put our conversation out of my mind after that, in order to have a good time, but I definitely thought about it most of yesterday. And today, I talked to Bethany about it, and she said I should definitely call him, or run the risk of him thinking I don't really care. So I sent him another text about 20 minutes ago, that said,

"Hey Todd. I know you're upset, and you think all these shiteous things about me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. About everything. I'm not going to try to justify my actions or even explain myself, because I feel like that would be pointless. I meant what I said about being happy for you and Laura. I really do just want the best for you. I hate arguing, or whatever it is we're doing, with you. It's just not in our dynamic. And I just...don't want to do it anymore."

Now I'm just waiting for him to respond. So! Back to Tuesday night.
I did go to the industry party, and it sucked. Ali and I went together, but it ended up just being she and I, then Greg, and his girlfriend, and Brandon. So it was really awkward. And the party itself was lame, there was no free anything, like there usually is at those kind of things, so I ended up going home around 12:30, feeling rather blue. It's still too weird for me to be around Brandon in a small group. Work is one thing but...I dunno. I just couldn't stomach it.

So yesterday, Wednesday, I texted with Kevin all day, again, waiting and wondering if and when he was ever going to ask me out, and starting to lose my patience! And I also sent a text message to Evan, who I haven't heard from in like a million years! I've been pestering him for the past week, but he hasn't been in touch. Loser! On my way home from work, he finally called me! He said he's been busy with work, and he doesn't really go out anymore, he's practically married, etc... It was kind of sad talking to him, just because we've drifted apart so much, and he's moved on to the next stage in life, and I haven't. ((Sigh))
But at least we finally talked. He said he was afraid I was going to yell at him for being MIA for so long, and I said, "Well that wasn't so bad, was it?" And he laughed, and promised to keep in touch.

When I got home, I finally just sucked it up and asked Kevin if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he took so long to respond, that I was already mentally writing him off, when he finally wrote back.

"Yes, does tomorrow count as the weekend? lol. My buddy is having his bach party in Vegas Friday-Sunday. I'd like to hang out though."

So I wrote back, "I suppose tomorrow can count ;)"

We chatted back and forth a bit more, but he didn't say anything else about us hanging out. So now we have these tentative plans for this afternoon, but I'm almost halfway expecting him to blow me off or something. ((sigh)) Ugh...

Ok so this morning, when my alarm went off, I reached over to my phone, to silence it, and noticed that I had 3 text messages.
From Law School.
That immediately woke me up.

LS: Hey...I know you don't want to talk to me. But, I actually have friends visiting from home this weekend, the first guy got in town tonight and I brought him to [my bar].
LS: I thought of you...just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you. I just got my own place, maybe you can come by sometime, or I'll see you otherwise. Ciao!
LS: And...I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I've held that in for a while, but I mean it.

So I laid in bed, thinking about what he said, and mulling things over, and I decided I should talk to him. Finally. Maybe he really is sorry. And he's definitely put in the effort to talk to me, so I should give him a second chance. ((Sigh))

So when I got to work this morning, I wrote him back...

Me: I think you misunderstand my reasons for not talking to you, [Law School]. My feelings being hurt is just...collateral damage. If you want to talk, then you better be prepared to listen.

LS: Fair enough, I will always listen no matter how bad it is, as long as it is talking, not yelling.

Me: I wasn't planning to yell, or talk shit. Just enlighten you.

LS: I understood. :) Just putting the caveat out there. How have you been otherwise?

Me: Swell.

LS: Swell as in good or swell as in the water is rising?? Haha

Me: You realize I can't just sit here and make cutsie banter with you until we hash this out, right?? Because I'm willing to talk, but I haven't decided about anything else yet. And you might not even WANT to talk to me again.

LS: Haha. I'm very aware. What I've always like about you, Peyton, is that you don't let me press buttons. I respect that, because I'll try just to see if I can.

LS: And, to be completely honest, I'm not worried about not wanting to talk to you. I think I'm pretty objective about things and have no problem saying, "my fault".

Me: Ok then.

LS: Ok, next week. Or maybe Sunday. You can pick the battle zone :)


I haven't responded to his last text yet, because I haven't decided when or where I want to meet up with him, but...I think at least this is headed in the right direction. It will feel good to finally explain to him that it wasn't him dating Melissa that hurt me the most. It was them lying to me and hiding it from me, and talking shit about me behind my back! So I'll definitely keep you guys posted on that.

But mostly, I'm worried about my relationship with Todd. I just want things to go back the way they were, before I ever told him I had feelings for him. It was stupid. I was stupid. I ruined everything. Now what??

Read Between The Lines

Ok it's been almost a week since Kevin and I went out, and he hasn't asked me out since! What the hell??? He texts me like all day, every day, but never says anything about us hanging out. I just can't get a read on him. Is he just too shy? Too busy? Or is he not that into me. I think I may have to go back and read that book, He's Just Not That Into You and build up some resolve. ((Sigh))
Tonight I'm going to some industry party for Grand Marnier with my coworkers, so that should be fun. It's been a while since I've been to one of those, and the always promise a good time! My only concern is getting home early enough (and sober enough) to get up in time for work tomorrow morning.
Speaking of work, I've decided I'm quitting my day job. It's just time for me to move on. I'm not happy here, and I'm wasting just as much time in this crap job as I was bartending. And I just can't seem to get anything done as long as I'm working these crazy 50 hour work weeks. So I'm going to put in my 2 weeks when I get back from my vacation in Orlando, and I'm going to go back to bartending full time, while I apply for schools and visit campuses. I've already talked to Mr. P about it, and he suggested I come back when football season starts, because they'll have more hours, and that way I won't have to struggle to pay my bills. So that's my plan. And I feel really good about it actually. Just knowing that I've made the decision.
I've been looking into schools in Chicago, Seattle and Boston. Big cities, where I won't mind moving by myself. Even though I will have Sophie, Brent and Taylor in Chicago, if that's where I end up going. And that's definitely my first choice. But now I have to start preparing a portfolio. And that's not going to be easy. I'm already stressing out about it. Ugh...
Sunday night, I met up with Taryn, her old friend Christa, who is awesome, and this guy she's kind of talking to, Brad. I really like Brad too. He's funny, and nice, and easy to talk to. They dated before, but Taryn wasn't ready for a relationship, so she broke it off with him, but now they're talking again. So anyways, I met the 3 of them at a wine bar in the Heights, and we had a great time just talking and hanging out. After that, we walked down to a restaurant down the way, and JC met us all there for dinner. I texted Kevin while we were there, because we just happened to be walking distance from his apartments. I told him he should meet us, and he said he was really considering it, but was too tired, sunburned, and busy with unpacking. He went to Austin this past weekend, and spent the whole time out on Lake Travis, so I guess that's understandable. But after that, I decided I'm not going to invite him out again, or suggest I come over and help him unpack, even if it did work last time. I'm just going to wait for him to make the next move, as annoying as that is.
I do think I will mention the industry party to Dave, and see if I can't get him to go, and bring Kevin. Lol. Passive aggressive, I know, but oh well. Wish me luck!

Meet Kevin

OH.MY.GOD.

THAT was/is my first reaction to Kevin. He is SOOO different from what I was expecting, but in a good way! A pleasantly surprising way actually.
First of all, he's totally loaded. I mean I knew he had money, but I didn't know he would be that well off. So that definitely took me be surprise. It's almost a little intimidating, because I'm definitely not rich, and the richest guy I've ever dated was Friend Boy. I dunno if you guys remember him, but he was a little too...flashy with his money. And it was annoying. But Kevin is totally not like that. He dresses like a surfer/skater dude or something. Stylish, but understated. Granted, he does live in a high rise corner apartment, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a breathtaking view of the downtown skyline, by himself, and he drives a Mercedes E-Class Coupe, and a Mini Cooper, but still those are all things that I obviously would not have known, had I not been to his house yesterday.
Second, he talks, practically nonstop! Which is great, because conversation flowed easily, and we talked about all kinds of things, and there were no awkward silences.
Third, he has more kitchen appliances and gadgets than James Bond and Martha Stewart put together. Lol. Our project yesterday was to unpack and organize his kitchen, and he literally has everything that makes anything. Lol, salad maker, egg cooker, juicer, the fanciest toaster oven I've ever seen... Sheesh! Apparently he cooks. Oh, and he had like...FIFTY bottles of wine in his pantry!! He said he collects it. And collect he does, it's almost as bad as me and books.
And finally, he's an even bigger dork than I thought he was. I mean, all the kitchen appliances were my first clue. But after talking to him a while, I started to notice how animated and excited he would get when talking about certain things, the way a computer nerd gushes about motherboards or something. Sometimes, it was as if he were talking to me like an old friend, and I got to see who he really is, ya know? But he definitely had me laughing a lot, and I definitely had a good time. After we unpacked all his kitchen boxes, he took me out for sushi. And he opened the car door for me. Both times. Very chivalrous. He ordered like 10 things off the menu, and insisted that I try one of everything he ordered. Lol. And we sat and just talked. He's from New York, moved here for work, and been here for 3 years. He literally knows like all my Houston friends. In fact, he started a limo company, and Mr. P, Frank, and The Albanian are some of his business partners! What a small world...
And I just kept marveling at how it happened that we only just met, and he just said he's not a big party goer. He knows all the people, but he's more of a behind the scenes kinda guy. So that's cool. I definitely don't wanna date someone who's huge into bar scene, but I do wanna be able to go out and have a good time with a guy, when the mood strikes. So he pretty much meets all of my qualifications!
But there is something. One small, tiny thing that kinda bugs me. There's just something about him that seems...less than confident. I don't know why, but that lack of outward confidence makes me feel like maybe he's not masculine enough? And I know that's totally shallow, and nit picky of me to say, it's just...I dunno. I guess I had to find something wrong with him, right?
Well as we were pulling up to his apartments after dinner, he asked if I'd be up for a Round 2 of unpacking, because he "could definitely use the help", and I readily agreed. We both have pretty busy weekends ahead, I'm working today and tomorrow, and he might be heading to Austin, but I'm confident that we'll get together again soon. I have a good feeling about this one. :)

So I Met This Guy...

So my 4th of July weekend was pretty relaxed. Well...most of it anyway. Bethany and I finally talked and worked things out. Apparently we'd both been feeling a little slighted by each other. And we both apologized and promised to hang out and call each other more. And so far, so good!
Sunday, a small group of us went out on the boat, but we didn't bring the wakeboards or the tube or anything cuz we figured there would be too many people out on the lake. Even though it ended up being a very quiet day at the lake. But we just docked on the sandbar and hung out. We only stayed for a few hours, since we didn't really have anything to do, so we got back well before dark. Then we all went home, washed up and met for dinner. Summer had to leave early to go to work, but Bethany and I, Ben, and some of his friends all headed out to the Washington strip for drinks. I wasn't intending to stay out too late, because even though I didn't have to go to work the next day, I figured I would anyway, just to get the hours.
But then I met Kevin. Lol. Kevin is a friend of a friend, and as it turns out, we have a lot of friends in common, including Bethany, and I still can't fathom how it is that we've never met before now! But I saw Bethany stop to say hi to him, and when she got back to the table, I immediately asked her who he was. He's about 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, a boyish smile, and a great sense of style. Meaning, he doesn't go out in True Religion jeans and a button up shirt like every other douchebag on Washington.
So as soon as I expressed my interest to Bethany, she insisted we go over and talk to them, so that I could meet him. And we did! After a while, Bethany left us to go back to the table where Ben and his friends were sitting, but I stayed to hang out with Kevin and Dave, our mutual friend. Dave tends to get a little crazy when he drinks, ordering shots for everyone, etc. And I was feeling a little tired, so we immediately took a couple shots, "to wake me up". Haha. It wasn't exactly the right setting for Kevin and I to sit and talk, but Dave insisted that I go with them to the next bar. So I said I would talk to my friends, and hopefully meet them there. And they left.
Well, when we got to the next bar, they had already moved on! And I had no idea where they'd gone, so I texted Dave. And he must have been a bit tipsy by this point, because as many time as I told him I didn't drive, and I didn't have a car, he kept telling me to come meet them at Nox. And Nox was not walking distance from where I was! Finally Dave said his phone was about to die, and to text Kevin. He gave me Kevin's number, and I immediately texted him. But by this time, it was about 1am. Bethany had already turned in for the night, and I ended up running into a bunch of people from my bar, so I just hung out with them. Kevin was texting me that he wanted to come meet me, but he couldn't find Dave, and he needed to close the tab.
Well, at the end of the night, we were still texting, but I never saw him again, and I ended up going home, still with good intentions of going to work the next day.
Yea, that didn't happen! Lol. I was way too tired when my alarm went off, three and a half hours later! So I just stayed home. Oh well, National Holiday, I thought to myself as I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So the past 3 days that have gone by, Kevin and I have been texting each other back and forth. And I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to get a read on him. I even tried pumping Dave for information, but he was no help. He just kept telling me to "hang out with him, make friends, and see what happens." Or to just "get drunk and have sex with him. Bahaha." ((sigh))
And although Kevin has continued to engage me in text message conversations, there hasn't been any talk of hanging out! So by yesterday afternoon I was really starting to lose my patience with him. So finally I just asked, "Sooo...did you wanna hang out or something, or what?"
Kevin: Yes, I do...
Kevin: I have to get fitted for new running shoe inserts at 6-7.
Me: Lol you're a dork. Well I didn't mean like...right now.
Kevin: Haha ya, a huge dork.
Me: Well don't worry, we have that in common.
Kevin: Well I'm taking back the huge dork part, maybe just a little. haha.
Me: Awe!

At this point, I went over to Bethany's to have dinner and hang out, since she was leaving for Florida, to visit her boyfriend the next day. So Kevin didn't respond for a while. But then around 8, I got another text from him.

Kevin: Got my new sneakers you want to run in the rain?!
Me: Lol it's not raining anymore!

Another hour goes by...

Kevin: You missed the run and I still have no help unpacking.
Me: Ahh that's a shame! Well I was helping Bethany pack for her trip. I can help you unpack tomorrow if ya want!
Kevin: Sounds like a great idea!

Kevin is in the process of moving into a new place, so he's been spending most of his free time moving and unpacking boxes, with no help. :( So the other day, I told him I might be persuaded to help him unpack, and he said, "I think I can work on that!"

So we finally have plans tonight! I think... I hope...
I'm gonna take it slow with him. Bethany said he's a relationship kinda guy, and Dave said he's not a player, and I dunno, I think I'm a relationship kinda girl. So I'm just gonna see what happens. I'm obviously NOT going to sleep with him, but a kiss? Maybe... :)

I'll keep you guys posted!

The Fairweather Friend Dilemma

Internet is STILL down at my apartments. Ugh...

Anyways, I spent the past week trying to figure out what exactly I want to accomplish in therapy. And I finally figured it out. I need answers. Answers to questions that I've been asking myself for probably about a year now. And since I am still no closer to finding those answers, I decided I needed some help. And here are the questions...


1) Why am I not over Brandon? Is it because I still love him? Is is because I didn't have another guy to move on to right away? Is it because we see each other too much? Is it because he's moved on and I haven't?

2) What am I doing with my life? I need a goal, a path, something to look forward to and aim for, career-wise.

3) Why do all my friends suck?? And by "all" I really mean "most", because I do have a couple good, reliable friends.


So after 3 sessions of therapy, I am finding it a lot easier to open up, and just...talk. It's not as awkward to me anymore, I just let it all out. And I am starting to get closer to answering my questions. We are starting to crack the shell.

The first question: Brandon. I do still care about him, obviously, but I know in my heart, that even if he came crawling back with a diamond ring in tow, that it could never work between us. I would never be able to fully trust him again, or feel secure in a relationship with him. And I would never be able to get over the way he ended things. And that seems to be the problem. The way he ended things. Kind of suddenly, and so...finally. Like slamming a door shut, and locking it. That's it. Break ups for me have never been that cut and dry. That final. And obviously, seeing him at work every weekend doesn't help. But distractions (i.e. Gavin) don't really seem to be helping in the long run either. Although, I'm definitely not ready to give up on Gavin just yet. More on that in a minute.

The second question: my future. I need to move on from this job. My 2 office mates have both been offered permanent positions with the company, and I have not. Which leaves me to wonder why that is. And while I could spend sleepless nights worrying and debating over this, I'm not going to, because frankly, it doesn't matter. I never intended to stay here forever. I don't even like this job. The only thing intellectually stimulating about it is the books I read during all my downtime. Which, very well could be the reason I'm not being offered a permanent position. But I'm not willing to give up my books. Not happening. That's about the only thing keeping me sane right now. And don't you guys go off talking shit, telling me I should be working, not reading, because trust me. I get my work done. And every one in this office has prolific amounts of spare time. It's just that most of them use that time to shop online, or read celebrity gossip blogs whereas, I read books. So I think it's time to move on from this. I don't want to get stuck in limbo again, like I did with bartedngin. And I know I want to go back to school, and I feel like I really need to get out of Houston. But there are just so many things I need to do in order to make that happen, and that stresses me out. So my therapist is going to help me with that.

And finally, the third question: my friends. Let me start off by telling you the most recent incident I had, with Bethany. After we went out on the boat a couple weeks ago, and I had so much fun, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was really looking forward to last Sunday, when I could finally go out on the boat again. And Bethany and I instant messaged about it, and I asked her if we were going this [past] Sunday, and she said yes, and I told her how excited I was, etc. Then on Wednesday, I texted Marc, just to make sure everything was still on, and he said he wasn't sure he was going to have enough room, because his girlfriend, Rae, had invited all her friends. So I told him to keep me posted, and he said he'd let me know by Saturday afternoon. I relayed all this info to Bethany, and she said, "If Rae's friends are going, I dunno if I'm gonna go, cuz her friends suck! They're all stuck-up, high maintenance chicks. It's not gonna be as fun with them around."
And I said, "Well...I've never met any of them, so I'm willing to take that chance."
"Well, ok, if you still want to go, I'll go with you. If not, we can lay out at my pool or something on Sunday."
So I agreed.

So Saturday afternoon, I texted Bethany again, and asked her if she'd talked to Marc at all, and she said no, so I texted him. And he said, "Well right now we've got about 11 people, so it's lookin' like we're pretty full."
I replied, "Oh ok, well if anyone doesn't show up, let me know!"
And he promised he would.
Again, I relayed this info back to Bethany, she didn't respond. I went to work Saturday night, in a very good mood, on account of Gavin and I hooking up the night before. Then Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than normal, around 10:30 or so, and texted Bethany.
"Hey do you still wanna go lay out today?"
Then she called me.

Me: Hello?
B: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Nothing, I just woke up. Did you still wanna go to the pool?
B: Well I'm on my way to Marc's.
Me: Oh.
[Wind suddenly out of my sails]
B: Summer called me like an hour ago and she was like, "Get up, we're goin' on the boat", so I just got up, got dressed and left.
Me: Ok...
B: She didn't call you?
[As if she didn't know.]
Me: Ummm...no...
B: Oh, well--
Me: Hey I gotta go, I'm on the other line.
B: Oh, ok well I won't keep you then.
Me: Ok bye.
>click<

I rolled over in bed and literally wanted to cry. I don't even know why. I just couldn't believe she would do that to me. She knew how much I wanted to go. She knew! It was all I'd been talking about all week! And if I had been in her shoes, I would have told Summer to call her and invite her! Or I would have stayed home, and hung out with her like we'd planned. ((Sigh)) She really, really hurt my feelings. And she really let me down. Again. It felt just like it did when she told me she wouldn't be here for my birthday, because she would be in Florida, visiting her boyfriend. Seems like all my friends have other friends they would rather hang out with. It hurts to be no one's first priority.

So I went to the pool with Ali that day, and had a decent time, but I wasn't feeling very social, and I was pretty upset and irritable for most of the day, though I tried my best to hide it. Bethany texted me later on and said, "Be glad you didn't come out on the boat, Rae's friends suck! This is no fun."
I started to type back, "It doesn't really matter, you know, since I wasn't invited." But I deleted it and tossed my phone back in my bag. No response would be better.

I haven't talked to her since that morning. And when I told my therapist everything, it occurred to me that the reason these things upset me so much is because I would never do something like that to a friend. I would have made sure she could come along, or I would have stayed with her, without even a second's thought. I'm a good friend, and I'm doggedly loyal, but no one else seems to be. I just don't understand this. I don't understand how people can treat their friends this way. It's just like with Melissa and Law School. Just like with Alyssa not wanting me to be in her wedding. I have all these fairweather friends, who only stick around as long as it's convenient for them.
Right now, I only have 2 people I can really count on: Izzie, and Jenna. And of course, Izzie is in Austin, with her child and husband, and you know...her life. And Jenna lives with her boyfriend as well, but she's definitely more available to me, now that she lives in Houston again. She and I went and saw Eclipse together last night (SO GOOD!).

Soooooo...
The third question: my friends. In my therapist's words, they don't provide me with the support that I need. I don't really have any one person I can always count on. Then the question she (my therapist) asked me was,
"So do feel you need to move somewhere else, and get a fresh start, or do you think you could find some new friends, and start over here?"

And that's another thing. I don't know.

I'm Trying, I Swear!

Ok. I know I said I was gonna start blogging more often again, and I haven't been doing such a good job with that, BUT! There is a reason for that! The internet at my apartment complex has been down for TWO WEEKS because someone stole the wireless router from the clubhouse (ugh), so I haven't been able to get online at home. And I've been pretty busy at work, so I haven't had time to email blog from work. Until this morning.
Since my last blog, I've had 2 sessions with the therapist. And it's too soon to tell if it's helping, obviously, but I do like my therapist, and it does feel like a release, just being able to talk to someone about what's going on in my life. Someone who I know is listening and wants to help me. Even if I am paying her to care. I'm not having a session this week though, because I'm a little short on funds. I took this past weekend off at the bar because Sophie was in town.
She and I went and saw Tool live on Sunday night, and it was AMAZEBALLS. Tool never disappoints.
So I had a nice relaxing weekend. Although things were a little difficult with Sophie being taxied around all weekend between my place, my parent's house, and my mom's new place. Ugh...

But anyways, guess what!?
My dad is taking Sophie and I to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios!!! I'm SOOOO excited! We made our hotel reservations on Saturday, and we just bought our plane tickets yesterday. We're going the first weekend of August. I don't think I've ever wanted to go anywhere so bad in my life. Lol. The only problem is, the place we're staying at, it's actually a condo, is this time share deal that my mom and dad signed up for a while back, so my mom has to be there for this presentation thing, since she signed the contract. And we were all ready to book everything when they told us she had to be there. So we called her to ask her about it, and obviously she wasn't thrilled, but she agreed to go, just to fly there for 1 day and fly back, if we really "need" her to be there. Which we do. But I mean it's not like she has no other reasons to go to Orlando. She has a brother and a cousin who live there. It's going to be strange going on a "family vacation" without my mom there. Even though I'm not her biggest fan right now, I still kind of wish she was going. Will my family never truly be together ever again?? ((Sigh))

Well anyway, the Sunday before last, I went out on the boat for the first time this summer! There was a LOT of us too, like 12 people. And we had a blast, of course. I finally got up on the wakeboard! I'm so proud of myself. Lol. I didn't make it very far, but still, it's an accomplishment. We're going out again this Sunday, so I'm super excited! Well I guess I don't really have anything else to report, but I swear I'm going to try to write more. The internet should be back up soon. It better be anyway...

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Time Will Tell

Ok I know I promised a new post today, so even though I don't really have much to report, here I am. Things with my Mom are...strained, to say the least. She still comes over once a week but I just don't really know what to say to her, and the atmosphere is very subdued. Although things with my Dad have actually sort of been improving. I guess it's cuz I've been making a noticeable effort to talk to him more, and spend more time with him. I just don't want him to be lonely. ((Sigh))

My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.

Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.

I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.

Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.

New post tomorrow, I promise.

Disappointed

((Sigh))

I think I miss blogging.

I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.

So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.

((Sigh))

So that's everything. I think.

I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.

That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.

And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!

I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.

I have no one. Literally. No one.

Do you know what that's like??

To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????

I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.

I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.

Mrs. Brown

She slammed the door of her car and hurried towards the school doors, clutching the paper to her chest.

She was tired of arguing with her mother, but it seemed inevitable these days. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a pleasant conversation. The voice of her nagging and yelling was swirling about inside her head. She shook herself in an effort to stop thinking about it. She had some fast maneuvering to do. Graduation was in 2 days. She knew it was her fault for procrastinating. If she would have taken care of returning her books before school had let out, she wouldn't be here now.

Well what difference does it make anyway? She thought, I just have to get this paper signed and I'm free to graduate. I'll never have to set foot inside this building again!

She walked into the administrative office and looked around. There was no one in sight.

"Hello?" She called.

Just then, a willowy looking woman with reddish hair came striding in.

"Can I help you?"

"Yea..um...I just need to get this last box signed here, for turning in my books?" She said, handing the paper to the woman.

"Well it says here you haven't turned in your Spanish book. I can't sign this unless you have the book."

"I left it in my locker. It should have been there when they did locker clean outs."

"I'm sorry. You'll have to go to the old building and check with someone in charge of book returns." She said with a polite smile as she handed the paper back.

She sighed with mild frustration and headed down the long hallway towards the old building. The new building had been finished her freshman year, and still had that smell of fresh paint, tools and freshly cut wood.

It was a straight shot to the cafeteria in the old building, where the book return was. All she needed to do was get someone to sign her paper. It couldn't be that hard, right?

Her hopes were dashed when she saw who was running the book return: Mr. Reeves. They had never been exactly fond of each other. But she put on her most charming face and approached him, nonetheless.

"Mr. Reeves?"

He looked up, but said nothing.

"Um, could I just get you to sign this for me? It's the last thing I have to do before graduation."

He took the paper from her, wordlessly.

"Spanish book?" He said, and held out his hand.

"Uh...it was in my locker. With my other books. I left them there on the last day, for locker clean out."

"Well it says here that we're missing your Spanish book. No book, no signature." He handed her back the paper with curt smile.

She sighed again.

"I swear it was in my locker. I don't have the book Mr. Reeves. Could you please just sign it?Graduation is in 2 days." She pleaded with him.

"Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you misplaced your Spanish book."

She could see that she wasn't going to get anywhere with him, so reluctantly, she turned on her heel and stormed out, in a huff.

Fine. I'll just go to my old locker and look! Why the hell would I wanna keep a stupid Spanish book anyway!?

She trudged up the stairs of the empty high school, towards her old locker. When she reached the hallway where her locker had been, she saw that all the lockers stood ajar, and all of them were empty.

"Dammit!" She said aloud, to no one in particular. She headed back down the stairs,

and back to the new building, where her car was parked. In the fire lane. She silently cursed to herself as she remembered that fact. She hadn't thought she would still be here. She broke into a jog.

Guess I better move my car, since I'm probably gonna be here a while.

When she reached the front doors, she was relieved to see that her car was still there. She began to dig through her purse for her keys.

Where are my keys!?

Growing impatient, she dumped the contents of her purse onto the hood of her car. No keys.

She looked through the driver's side window of her car and cringed when she saw her keys dangling out of the ignition.

As if this day couldn't get any worse!

Now she would have to call her mom, who was already angry with her for putting everything off till the last minute. She gritted her teeth and thanked the heavens she hadn't locked her phone in the car as well. She pressed the 2 on the speed dial.

"Hello?" Her mom answered.

"Mom?"

"Yea?"

"I need you to come up to the school. I locked my keys in the car."

"WHAT!? I can't come up there right now! I'm on my way to go get your sister, you're just going to have to wait. Did you take care of that stuff yet?"

She sighed, "No, I'm still working on it. Are you sure you can't come now? My car is in the fire lane."

"Well WHY did you park in the fire lane! I don't have the spare key to your car, your dad does, and he's at work! You better hope you don't get towed! If you do, you're paying for it!"

"OK!!" She yelled, and snapped the phone shut. Clearly her mom was in no mood to help. She took a deep breath. Before she could stop them from escaping, tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She put her head down in the crook of her arm and leaned against her car. It must have been a hundred degrees outside. She decided she would sit just inside the front doors, where it would be cool, but she could still see her car, in case someone decided to tow it.

As she walked through the front door, tears still streaming down her face, an angel appeared to her, in the form of a heavyset woman with short brown hair.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" The woman said.

She looked up, surprised to see anyone. Before she could even answer, the angel pulled her in to her bosom, and she just cried even harder. Someone was hugging her. Someone she didn't even know, seemed to care.

The angel took the paper from her hand, and signed the last box at the bottom, without saying a word.

"There you go, Sweetie. Everything is going to be fine." She smiled, a tight smile that didn't show any teeth, but was still genuinely heart warming.

She wiped the tears from her face.

"Thank you." She said, "Thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it." The angel said. And just as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone.

She later found out that the angel was called Mrs. Brown.

She would never forget Mrs. Brown. Her angel, in an office assistant's clothing.

Like A Wilting Flower

Like a wilting flower I am
Slowly fading
Once I leaned towards the Sun
Now I am
Slowly waning

With every breath I take I am
Deeply sighing
With each petal I shed
I am
Faintly crying

Like I wilting flower I am
Near expiring
My weight too much to bear
I am
Bent and tiring

That which once did give me life
Has turned his back on me
No Moon, no Stars, no Sun in sight
Just waste
Infinitely

Moving Backwards

Lately I've been...

I can't stop thinking about Brandon. I don't know why, or when exactly it started but, I've been having dreams, and I've been thinking about him more than usual and...

I miss him.
I wish I could call him, and talk to him and just...have someone to confide in.
It used to be out of sight out of mind with him, but I haven't actually seen Brandon in over a month. I've been out of town on weekends, and so has he, so we've been missing each other at the bar for the last several weeks. But I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me at all. Or if he ever misses me. And I'm finding it hard to accept how much I really loved him, because...he couldn't have felt that way about me.

((Sigh))

Why am I moving backwards??

A Crack In The Foundation

My mom is going through some kind of...midlife crisis or something weird, I dunno. But she just dropped this bomb on me last Thursday that she doesn't think she can live with my Dad anymore. And I don't understand why. Even she says she doesn't understand why. But it's been killing me. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like all the glue that holds me together is just...eroding away.
I've always known that I'm one of the few people out there, at my age, who's parents are still together. And I've always felt like that was a really important part of who I am today.
Because my family is still together, still whole, still...unbroken. And I've always felt that my family is my rock. No matter what happens in my life, with friends, boyfriends, school, work...they will always be there, as my structure, my support system.

((Sigh))

And now that's all going away.

I know my parents marriage was never perfect, and they've had their share of issues, but they are both very strongly rooted in their values, and religious, and I always knew that marriage wasn't something they took lightly. So they've always been able to work through their problems. This is what I've always KNOWN.
And now it's like...everything I've always "known" is all just...a lie. A facade. Everything about how I see my parents, what I thought they believed in, what they stood for... It was all a lie.

Whenever I would get sad, or discouraged in love or in life, I would always think, if my parents are still together, and they still love each other, then I know there has to be someone out there for me, and one day I will have that too.

But now I'm not so sure. I feel like my Dad and I are the same. We're...doggedly loyal, and stubborn in our beliefs, and maybe even a bit naive when it comes to love and relationships. But...he would never leave my Mom. He has threatened to before, in the past, when they had problems. But he always stayed, and worked things out, because he loves her. And I never doubted for a minute that he would really leave my mom, or our family. And my dad and I, although we aren't as close as me and my mom, we're alike. And I feel like, if my mom could do that to him, then maybe I should just expect the same. Maybe I should just give up on this hopeless quest for love and just...cash in.

Maybe all this time, I've just been searching for something that doesn't even exist in real life.