Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Here's Why

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I apologize if I worried anybody, I just needed a serious break, to just be introspective, and collect my thoughts I guess. But the urge to blog has bitten once again, and I know once I move, and have a lot to say and no one to talk to, I will start blogging more regularly.
Things here in Houston are just...not working out from me. I feel like I can't get out from under this...I don't even know what it is. I feel like I've been labeled "Brandon's ex girlfriend" and I just don't wanna be that anymore. I mean it's not that people think of me that way, it's that *I* think of me that way. And it doesn't help that he's now the assistant GM at my bar (Mark was let go) and I've been seeing more and more of his slore girlfriend. So much so that I had night after consecutive night of dreams about him/her/both of them...ugh. It's like I'll take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. There's no getting over this. And I don't understand it. This has never happened to me before. I have never struggled so much to move on from anything.
I just don't belong here anymore.
And since I decided to move and go to school in Chicago, there have been ups and downs. For one, I feel really good about this move, and I think it'll be the shove that I need to get my head above water again, and finally breathe some fresh air. I won't have to worry about seeing some semblance of Brandon around every corner. There are just too many memories here. Painful memories. And since I've never been to Chicago, I know I won't have to worry about that happening there. Plus, I applied to a school there, a really good school, to study photography, and I'll know within the next 2 weeks if I'm accepted or not. That will also help me to move on. Going back to school, doing what I love, having something to work towards.

The bad things are the stress. And the mourning. And the anxiety. I've never in my life had so much anxiety. I had an actual anxiety attack in the middle of the night last week. I woke up suddenly from a bad dream (I was at Brandon's wedding. And yes, he was marrying her) with this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like butterflies, but not the good kind. It was like a hard little ball of coiled up nerves, deep inside of me. Like I needed oxygen, but no matter how many deep breaths I took, it wouldn't go away. And it stayed with me for 48 hours! Luckily for me, I saw my therapist within that 48 hours, so that helped. But the strange thing was, I don't even know what it was that triggered this anxiety! I mean I couldn't really pinpoint one specific thing. It's just everything. Leaving my friends, and my family behind, moving all the way across the country, to a place I've never been, worrying about getting accepted to school, finding an apartment, moving in the dead of Chicago winter. ((Sigh)) Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. Not to mention the fact that every time I tell someone I'm moving to Chicago, the first thing they do is spout off all these negative things...it's too cold, it's too windy, I'm going to hate it there, etc... Why do people have to do that? Can't someone just say something positive for once?! Don't you think I'm freaked out enough already without all this shit!??! G's...

So anyway, this is a little bit of what's been happening.

My Mom just got her own apartment.

My Dad is online dating...ugh. Mostly bimbos too from what I've seen.

Brandon is now my manager. Which REALLY REALLY sucks.

Taryn is like my new best friend. We hang out at least twice a week, which has been awesome. She's fun, a great loyal friend, and NO DRAMA AT ALL!

I hardly see Bethany anymore now that she has a boyfriend, but also since we've stopped hanging out so much, the level of drama in my life has dramatically decreased.

Jenna got engaged last month. And I'm in the wedding, which is in April. She and I have been spending a lot of time together, which is cool, but I'm really gonna miss her when I go.

I'm going to Chicago on Saturday, for the first time ever, to tour the campus and look for apartments. I'll be staying with Sophie and Brent.

Oh! And Harry Potter World was AMAZING! I can't WAIT to go back! They have literally the best ride I have EVER been on at any theme park.

Sooooo that's what's been going on. I haven't back read any posts, so if I'm missing anything, or if you guys have any questions, feel free to ask, and I'll do my best to fill you in.


Anonymous said...

My sister-in-law lives in Chicago and absolutely loves it! Also, my brother-in-law just moved there for the winter. I've visited a few times, and I love Chicago. Just buy warm clothing, have a positive attitude, and have fun!

Glad you are back!

Anonymous said...

Yes, Chicago is cold and windy in the winter. BUT, it is beautiful. And, it's not that way all year round.

Jennifer said...

Wow! That is crazy! I totally envy you being able to move somewhere new and start over. My husband and I have been wanting to do that but he got an awesome job where we were so it'd be totally irresponsible to move. I think this will be so great for you and can't wait to hear all about Chicago. I don't know much about it at all. lol

KM said...

I LOVE Chicago!! (Although I wasn't there in the winter) I think you'll have a blast!

autumn said...

I used to live an hour north of Chicago (and in Houston too, actually) and Chicago is a wonderful city! Cold and windy, yes. But it is a wonderful place for any artist/photgrapher/writer. I think you will love it.

The main problem is the women there can kind of be really passive agressive and bitchy (more so that in other places I have lived), so watch out for that.

Anonymous said...

So happy you're back and doing well, I think this will be a great move for you.

What ever happened with the whole Law School situation? Also have things gotten any better with you and Todd?