FWB+...?, Christian Bale, and Bethany

Over the past week or two (during which I have been sick, as I always am at this time of year) I've been seriously considering asking Matt out. Like...for drinks or coffee or something. I mean the booty call thing is great, but initially, I feel like we had chemistry, and I was into him. And I mean the sex is great, so maybe it could work for us if we gave it a shot, right? But of course, there's that age old debate about whether or not I wanna put something that's working so well at risk. I mean, if he's not interested in dating, do I lose my trusty booty call? And if he was interested in dating, why are we still hooking up? I mean if he wanted to date people, he wouldn't need a booty call, right?? I dunno, I guess I've never really analyzed the psychology behind boys and their booty calls, I only get it from my end. To me, sex is important. It's necessary for my health. And while I prefer to be getting it from someone I care about, who cares about me in return, that's not always an option. And finding an attractive, drama-free booty call who actually knows his way around the female anatomy is not easy! Trust me. Oh, and there's that small problem of him being only 25. ((Sigh)) So, do I ask him out, or not?

My trips to NOLA and Houston are coming up quick! There's only 25 more days till Christmas, AH!! In my efforts to avoid having to spend my entire time in Houston with Bethany, I never told her about my trip. But apparently, Taryn got drunk and spilled the beans last week, so I had to do some quick thinking in the damage control department. Bethany posted on my facebook wall yesterday, asking if I was gonna be home for Christmas. I very diplomatically replied that I would be spending Christmas with my mom this year, but that I was thinking about coming to Houston in January. But that I was still trying to finalize dates and things with work and my dad. The backlash from this response was quite funny. First Izzie texted me.

"So I saw you and Bethany's FB exchange. Your Houston trip, is it really not finalized or are you just trying to avoid her? Cuz I'm planning to go to Houston that week specifically to see you..."

Then Jenna texted me.

"I see you folded under pressure."


BAHAHAHA! I reassured both of them that everything is still on, I'm just trying to avoid any more drama with Bethany. But now comes the hard part. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with her when I get there. She left Chicago in the worst possible way, and she never apologized to me for all that bullshit she put me through. I'm willing to forgive, as is my tendency with good friends, but I can't forget. And it's really hard to forgive someone who doesn't even seem remorseful, let alone aware that what they did was completely shiteous. I mean she apologized to Carrie and Ali, so why not me??? Taryn said that when she told her I was coming, Bethany acted awkward and just said "We haven't really talked much since Chicago" and then changed the subject. G, I wonder why!!?? I really do value Bethany's friendship, and I know she's been through a rough couple of years, what with her mom passing away and everything... But she has changed so much that it's like...I hardly recognize the person I used to call my best friend. What's a girl supposed to do in a situation like that???







Well anyway, I have one more juicy tidbit for you guys. :P Last night at work, I was standing in the waitress well staring at this guy facing me from across the bar, for the better part of an hour. He was totally hot, and totally looked like Christian Bale, and I wasn't gonna let him walk out of the bar without at least attempting to talk to him. So I formulated a plan. Lol. I asked Warren to pour me a shot of tequila, and then give Mr. Bale a shot of Jameson from me. Then ideally, he would look across the bar at me, I would hold up my shot, we would take it together, and then he would come over and talk to me. Lol. That was the plan. So I tell Warren the plan, and omg...IT WORKED! JUST LIKE THAT!!
So he's walking over to me, and I'm like "Omgomghe'scomingoverherehow'smyhair?!" to Warren and he just laughs. So then he comes over, and this is sort of how our conversation started...



"Hey thanks for the shot! What was that for?"
"Oh, I was just telling my friend how I thought you looked like Christian Bale, so I thought what the hell! I'm gonna send him a shot."
Then we briefly discussed which Christian Bale he looks like (Batman? American Psycho? The Machinist??? Lol), because apparently he's been told before he looks like American Psycho Christian Bale. And I assured him that that is a compliment, as Christian was much younger then, and in very good shape. Lol. Then I said, "I hope you like Jameson? I wasn't sure what you were drinking over there."
And he said, "Hey, a free shot is a free shot!" Now that's what I like to hear.
He asked me where I'm from, I told him to guess. He said Canada?? WTF? Lol. I asked why, and he said because Canadians are nice. Lol. I said so are Texans. We chitchatted a bit more, but then one of my tables flagged me down, so he said he was gonna go back to his friends, implying I should go talk to him later. So I took care of my business and then he got my attention again as I was heading towards the stairs.
"Sorry, duty calls." I said.
"No, no, I understand! What's your name?"
"Peyton."
"I'm [Christian Bale]." Lol. We shake hands.
"It's nice to meet you." I tell him. I'm sure I could not stop grinning. :)
"Well, would you like to get coffee or something some time?"
"Sure." :D
"I mean I gotta get your number before you leave again."
I laughed and told him I had to grab something from downstairs, but that I would be right back.
So I went downstairs, grabbed one of my business cards and powdered my nose, and then went back up to find him. And he was gone! I couldn't find him anywhere! So I asked the door guy if he'd seen a guy in a maroon v-neck leave. He said no, so I started walking back towards the back room again. Then we ended up practically running into each other at the top of the stairs. So I gave him my business card, and we chatted a bit more. He asked me what my schedule looks like and I told him it just so happens I have this week off school. Then he grimaced, and said he'll be traveling all week.  Which got us talking a little bit about how he travels for work. I asked him what he does, and he said, "Well we'll talk about it. What's your Sunday look like?"
And at first I thought he said "Sundays", meaning all my Sundays, so I said my Sundays are generally free, and I usually do whatever I want, because I don't have school or work. And then I realized he meant this Sunday specifically. So hopefully that didn't make me sound desperate. And then he said, "Well let's do something on Sunday. Forget about coffee, let's do something exciting." And I laughed and said ok! And that was that! He went back to his friends, and I went back to work, and I think he left shortly afterwards, but he has my number! And I really, really hope he calls!
I have this complex where when I first meet a guy, if he seems really into me, I just think it's too good to be true. I dunno why, it just sorta puts me on my guard. Like I don't wanna get my hopes up, ya know? Because if he doesn't call, I'm gonna be really disappointed! :( But the ball is in his court. This is completely out of my control now. ((Sigh)) This is going to be a long day.

My "Friends" Suck.

Tonight was the biggest disappointment ever. The only person from Houston I saw was Ali. Ugh.... So over everything right now. Why does my life have to suck so bad??

Another Missed Opportunity

((Sigh)) Well I spend the last couple days in a depressed funk. Sunday I didn't eat at all, and spent the evening polishing off a bottle of wine and crying, alone, in my apartment, like the pathetic spinster I apparently am. It just totally caught me off guard. I mean I just talked to Todd last week about getting together over Christmas break. And now I have to hang out with him and his fiancé and it's just going to be an awkward, depressing, bitter experience for me. I mean I know we have drifted apart and our friendship has undergone a lot of strain over the past couple years, but... I just didn't expect him to get engaged. Especially not so soon. And especially not to her. I dunno why, I mean, they've been living together for a while now, and they've been together for long enough that I should have seen it coming. I guess I just thought...7 years...if he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to marry her yet, then it's probably not meant to be. And I always thought there would be another chance for him and me... I mean I've always had this Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me" feeling about Todd. Literally, that song pretty much describes our friendship perfectly, at least it did at one point. I dunno, now I just feel foolish, and disappointed, and so....empty. Another day, another opportunity missed.

Just saw on facebook that Todd proposed to Laura tonight. My heart just broke a little a lot.

The Arch Nemesis

Sorry I haven't written in a while, it's been a crazy couple of weeks... But it is November now, and the worst is ALMOST over.
So BJ never ended up coming. Something happened with his job, and he was reassigned to a new area, or some shit... I don't really know, it doesn't quite make sense to me, but his trip has been postponed to who knows when. And since then he's sort of just stopped talking to me, so I give up. I doubt it would have worked out anyway. If he comes to Chicago, we'll go from there, but otherwise it's no sweat off my back.
So this upcoming weekend, a bunch of my old coworkers/friends from Houston are coming up to Chicago for the Texans vs. Bears game. And I took next Saturday night off so that I could see everybody. JC might be crashing with me again, Ali is coming with her boyfriend, and Sheila and a whole bunch of people from my old bar. Unfortunately, I just found out that this also includes my arch nemesis. She apparently just invited herself along, last minute! Because of course, no one would actually invite her to come. She is that person that even if you don't invite her, and don't tell her where everybody is going to be, she is just always there anyway! I looked back to see if I've ever blogged about her before and I couldn't seem to find her. So maybe I've just never called her by name, but her name is LIZZIE. Yes, that is her real name. And she is like fucking Voldemort. I seriously hate her. If I could get away with setting someone on fire, it would be her. She is a slutty, man-stealing, selfish, self-centered, dirty, slorefaced biotch. And she is a horrible person. And nobody likes her. She is one of those girls that has NO girlfriends, because nobody can trust her around their boyfriend. And because she is a horrible person. Ugh I JUST FUCKING HATE HER!! And she's coming here! And now I'm expected to like hang out with her?! FUCK THAT!! I really do not want to see her AT ALL.
I don't want memories of her in this city. This wonderfully clean-slated, innocuous city. I don't want to be thinking about how she was constantly flirting with Brandon at work, in front of me, when we were together, or how she hooked up with him a bunch of times, and probably still is along with the rest of the state of Texas. I don't want to think about her ugly, rat-like face, her nappy ass hair extensions, or her overly large vagina. I just...@#$)*(@Q#$&^(@#*OB$&CO!@#V&!!! I HATE HER!!
So now what do I do??
I told JC and Ali and Sheila that I do not want to be in the same room as her. And Ali hates her too, so she and I agreed that we would try to do our own thing. But Sheila and JC think everything will just be fine, and I should just let it go, because "it was a long time ago". When a bitch fucks with your relationship, and then sleeps with your boyfriend right after you guys break up and then has the audacity to look at you in a way that says, "haha I got him to dump you and now we're fucking, I WIN" you don't forget something like that very easily. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 years ago, or 10 minutes ago. FUCK.THAT.BITCH.
I mean I don't hate very many people. I don't! I think I'm a pretty easy-going person, and I'm easy to get along with, and I mostly like everyone. But there are certain things that are just unforgivable, and what she did is one of them. Not to mention, I'm not the only girl she's done it to. Yea, Bethany's friend Amy. Super sweet girl, sooooo nice, it's impossible to not like her. She and her boyfriend worked together at this bar. Amy was a bartender and her boyfriend was a doorguy. Well Lizzie just started showing up there, alone, and pulling up a stool next to Amy's boyfriend and flirting with him for his entire shift. Amy told her boyfriend she thought it was weird, and that she wasn't comfortable with Lizzie coming into the bar, so then Lizzie started coming in and sitting down at the bar, right in front of Amy, just to spite her. With that stupid smug look on her face. And then of course Lizzie ended up sleeping with Amy's boyfriend, and (duh!) Amy found out and was heart-broken. And right after that happened, Lizzie came to work at my old bar, with me and Brandon.
I really don't think I'm capable of being "The Bigger Person" if I have to be around her. Especially not if I'm drinking. I know I just need to stay away from her, but I don't know if that is going to be possible next weekend. Because I swear, if she tries to talk to me, let alone come near me, I will not be responsible for my actions.

In other news, hooked up with Matt again last night and it was awesome! Afterwards we just laid there and talked about stuff for like an hour. I was hoping he might actually stay the night, but he didn't. ((Sigh)) Is it possible to transition from booty call to dating? Cuz I think he and I might actually...work. We have a lot in common. I dunno, maybe I'm just getting too sentimental. Well whatever, at least I can have sex when I want it. I should just be happy with that, right? Right???

Slapped In the Face During Sex

Yes. It happened. Lol. And it was kinda hot...

Katie's friend, Lex (his name is short for something long and Greek, lol) came into town last Wednesday and we went to the improv. That was alright, and he seemed cool, and pretty easy on the eyes. Then Thursday they both came into the bar while I was working, and he attempted to teach me to salsa dance. Lol. That was fun, and kinda sexy. Afterwards, we went to a 4am bar and hung out, and then we all ended up back at my place drinking even later, and hanging out. And then finally Katie called a cab, and Lex seemed disappointed that they were leaving. He said something to me like, "I thought we were gonna hang out longer and get to know each other?"
But I later found out that he's only TWENTY THREE!!! We were having coffee and I nearly spit mine all over the place when he told me! Katie had said he was 27!!! But that explains his lack of experience in the sack. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, right? Haha, kidding. But really, it wasn't bad, it was just...well you know.
So anyway, I didn't see them at all Saturday after he left. But Sunday the three of us had prearranged plans to go to brunch, so we still did that. And when we finished eating, Katie basically said she had to watch some foreign film and write a paper on it for class, so she wanted me to hang out with Lex for a couple of hours. I wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea, because I usually enjoy spending my Sundays in my PJ's, catching up on TV, and I was already really exhausted from partying/working all weekend. But I obliged anyway.  So we went for coffee, and just talked. That was when I found out his age, and I actually learned some things about him. He's still in that stage where he thinks he's gonna be rich by 30, and lounging around his mansion in a 3-piece suit, smoking cigars all day. Lol. It's great that he has ambitions, but he still lives with his mom. Apparently he's looking for roommates now. Man, I wonder if I still would have slept with him if I'd known all that beforehand? He's also never been in a relationship in his life, because he thinks there's no point in being in one, unless he's ready to get serious and start a family..!??! LOL. WOW. Well, needless to say, it never would have worked out between us. I mean, not that I was ever thinking/hoping it would, but it just feels better knowing, I guess. We went to a movie afterwards, and surprisingly it wasn't that awkward. Then we went our separate ways. Never to see each other again. ((Sigh)) The End.

Well, at least that's the end of the story of me and Lex. The story of me and BJ however, is still having it's ups and downs. And I really have no idea what, if anything, is going to come from this. I called him like 3 hours ago and he didn't answer. And I just saw that he posted on facebook like 4 seconds ago, so I know he's not busy. Ugh... Well whatever. I have no say in when or if he calls me, so I just have to deal with it. The only problem is, if this thing with BJ turns out to be nothing and just blows over, then what am I gonna do?? I'm just supposed to go back to my boring, single, spinster life???

Next Week

Just got home from work and it's 4:25am. Ugh... I'm so glad that this week is now officially over. And this upcoming week is going to have lots of exciting things in store...
Katie's friend, Lex, is coming into town Wednesday, and the 3 of us, plus Sophie and Brent, are gonna go see a show at the improv theater. I'm really looking forward to meeting this guy. Katie keeps mentioning little things about him, and dropping hints that we have so much in common. Lol. She and I have been hanging out together a lot lately; I really like her. She's so much fun. It's really gonna suck next semester when she leaves to study abroad in Italy!! Bitch! Lol, I'm so jelly. ((Sigh)) Anyway, another 2 weeks and BJ will be here.
Speaking of BJ, it seems like he's been...pulling away from me or something. He doesn't call me anymore at all, and his text are becoming few and far between. I asked him if he was having second thoughts about everything and he said, no, just-(omg what are the odds, he literally JUST texted me, at 4:29am!!) Sorry. He said no, he's not pulling away, he just doesn't wanna rush things or put pressure on the situation. So that's good I guess. I dunno, I just don't really know what to make of the situation anymore. But eh...
Well, he apparently wants to talk right now, and I can't really type a blog and text him simultaneously so I am going to call him.
I'll keep you all posted on how things go with Lex this week. TTYL!

Float On

First off, thanks everyone for the comforting words. Lol. I did have a little bit of a freak out the other day, but you are all right. It was premature. And now that BJ and I have gotten past that initial hump of "Ohmygodwe'retalkingagain!" things are sort of...calming down a bit between us. Which is nice, because I don't feel as much pressure anymore. I'm just gonna try to relax and when he gets here, I'll take it from there.
Anyway, my friend, Katie, from school, has a friend coming in town in a couple weeks that she wants me to take out for drinks one night. He's her best friends older brother and they live in Cali. Alex (the guy - duh) will be here for one weekend, mid-October. She said she's not trying to set me up with him, it's just that she's underage, so she can't really take him anywhere, and he's not a big party animal, so he most likely wouldn't mesh well with most of her partying pals. She goes, "He's old like you, and he doesn't like going to clubs, he likes to go to bars and just chill." My response? "Gee thanks for reminded me that I'm so 'old'". Lol. She's so funny. But anyway, I agreed to take this guy out for drinks the Friday that he's here. Hopefully I can get the night off work. Katie said she would bring him into my bar Thursday night so we could actually meet first, that way it wouldn't be like we were meeting for the first time Friday night. And she showed me pictures of him, and he looks attractive. Also, he's tall, and she said she heard from a friend that slept with him that he has the biggest penis in the world. No, I am not joking. Lol. The timing is almost poetic. Hahaha. So again, we'll just see what happens...
OMG I just got a random text from my OTHER ex, Nate like JUST NOW. Wtf is going on in the cosmos right now!? This is so weird.... He wants to know 'how I'm doing'. Lol. Well at least I know there is absolutely NO chance of me ever getting back with him. He's too weird and awkward. Lol. G's...
I'm so tired and it's only 9:30. I'm already ready for bed. I normally would be at work, but they're doing construction downstairs so the basement bar was closed tonight. I bartend down there on Thursdays now. It's been ok so far, but kinda slow since no one really knows to come in yet. Katie has come to visit me every week so far. Haha. So that's been cool. At least I'm not fucking waiting tables on Thursdays anymore! That's a definite improvement. Well, I'm gonna try to read a little and go to sleep. I don't think I can keep my eyes open much longer.

Flame on muthafuckaz!

AHHHH!!!

OH god....I'm having a miniature panic attack right now, because I just went back and read all my posts about BJ. And in one post in particular, I talked about him having a really small penis. THAT is something that I don't think I could get over.
So now what have I gotten myself into!? We've been texting since Friday! I can't just stop talking to him out of the blue! I mean what would I say, "Sorry I just remembered you have a small penis." ?????????
Plus, he's going to be here in a month! What do I doooooooooo??
I am such an idiot. I definitely need to scale it back or....or something! HELP!

A Green Thumb: The Trick to Having a Successful Relationship

I've always been horrible with plants. I can't tell you how many times I've brought home a potted plant, or an orchid or something, and tried my best to care for it. But I always seem to fail miserably. Initially it seems I tend to over water them. In my excitement, I give the plant too much attention, and it drowns in my affections. So then I leave it alone a bit, once I notice the leaves all start falling off. But after a while, it dries up completely, from neglect.

This is a perfect analogy for my relationships. I'm horrible with plants, I'm horrible with relationships. I just can't seem to find a balance! But when I look back, I'm always too this, or not enough of that. Too clingy, too flighty, too eager, or too aloof. What is the trick?

BJ and I have been having a steady text message conversation over the last 2 days. We also had about a 2 hour phone conversation yesterday evening, while he was driving from Austin to Houston. The great thing about it is, no matter what happens when he gets here, we're friends. So we can talk easily, and laugh, and have intellectual conversations and debates, or just talk about what we did that day. It's completely no pressure, no awkwardness, and it's divine. The problem is, if we end up dating again, the tendency is going to be to rush things because we already know each other, and hell, we've already slept together. Even though it's been almost 5 years, it's not as if we're getting to know each other for the first time. We already know we get along, we're attracted to one another, and we have chemistry. What we don't know, is if what we have has staying power, or if it's meant to be. Of course, no one really knows that going into things, but we also have our friendship to consider. Granted, our friendship over the last 5 years has been pretty minimalistic, so maybe it wouldn't make all that much of a difference if we ended up going our separate ways.
But for me, I know the transition from being single to being in a relationship, when that time comes, is not going to be easy. Which is why it has to be gradual, not sudden. I've been single now for so long, that I can't really remember what it's like being in a relationship, and judging from my past experiences, I've never been that good at it to begin with. Herein lies my problem. My lack of a Green Thumb.

Of course, all of this could be moot. He could get here next month and we find we really hate each other, or that the chemistry no longer sparks. I almost hope that that's the case. It's scary knowing I'm looking forward to someone texting me back, or calling. It's been so long since I've had that feeling, and it generally never leads to anything good.

The Weekend of Exes

Remember a couple weeks ago when Brazil sent me a friend request? Well, I accepted it. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I just wanted to know what he wanted. Well, 2 weeks went by, and nothing happened, so I deleted him again. And then I made Abbie delete him from her friends too. So that was that.
Now let's take an even longer trip down memory lane, shall we? Remember my old boyfriend BJ? (<-- Visit this link to catch up) Well Friday morning, I had a dream about him, sorta. In the dream he had this really beautiful horse, and I wanted to show a picture of the horse to my girlfriend (can't remember who). So I had BJ's phone, and I was scrolling through his pics looking for the pic of his horse. And I came across this picture of a bunch of us at the beach, and I was in the background of this picture, adjusting my swimsuit top, and my boob was totally showing. So I was like, "OMG you have to delete this!" And he was like, "Oh well I have copies" and for some reason, in the dream, I was just like, "haha, oh well!" It was like we were together in the dream or something. I dunno, but I woke up with this...renewed interest (?) in him. And of course I had to text him about the dream immediately. And I said, "So....do you have any naked pictures of me?"
And he didn't respond for quite a long time, so I started to think maybe he was weirded out or something by my text. And then I was like, "Oh shit, maybe he thinks I want to send him some naked pics?" Lol. So I texted him again to clarify, "Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol."
And again, he didn't respond! And it's just very unlike him to ignore a text like that, especially since we recently had a brief conversation. So I sent him a facebook message, asking if he changed his number. He responded immediately with the new number. LOL.
Here's our conversation....

Me: Dude, did you change your #??


BJ: Lol yes
 (phone number)

Me: Omg...good to know. I texted someone something weird this morning. Hhaha!


BJ: Lol please tell me they texted you back.


Me: Haha no, that's why I messaged you! But I said, "So...do you have any naked pictures of me?"
 And then there was no reply so I thought maybe I freaked you out or something and I felt the need to clarify so then I wrote:

Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol.


BJ: Lol if someone would've gotten that it seriously would've made my year.


Me: I really hope so
.
Anyway, it was a funny dream.


BJ: Sounds like it, I'll be there next month, pencil me in


Me: When?


BJ: Oct 26

Me: How long are you staying here? And where are you staying?
 Lol sorry for the 20 questions


BJ: Just for the weekend


Me: Well where are you staying?


BJ: I may get a hotel I may stay at my buddies house haven't decided


Me: Stay with MEEEE!! Lol. Who do you know that lives here?


BJ: One of my best friends from the military


Me: Oh I see. Well you're welcome to crash with me if you want. I live near wrigley field.


BJ: Uh that sounds like greatness
 



So that was just our facebook conversation, which we were having while I was working, so it got busy and I wasn't able to respond t.o him for a while. But later, just before I left work, I texted him, and we small talked for a while, I'll spare you the boring stuff. Eventually he brought up the dream again.

BJ: So about those naked pictures of you, should I delete them....or.....

Me: Lol. In the ream it wasn't really a naked picture. [I explain the dream]

BJ: Lol I have mixed feelings about this story. Humor, obviously, envy of Dream Me, and jealousy because this wasn't real.

Me: BAHAHAHAHA!! I have mixed feelings about it as well, bc clearly, Dream Me didn't mind that you had this pic of me, and when I woke up I had this unexplainable urge to make out with you. Haha.

BJ: Dream You needs to do all of your thinking

Me: Hahaha. Is that so??

BJ: Uh yea, I miss your face, and have for a long time.

Me: You do??? Well that honestly surprises me since we hardly saw each other when I was living in Houston.

BJ: Lol well we chose different paths, I'm not cool, trendy, or hip so I didn't know what to do when you broke up with me. I was angry and confused, but that doesn't mean my feelings ever changed.

Me: What do you mean your feelings never changed?? I broke up with you mainly bc I felt like you were in a different place in your life than I was.* You were big into the frat/college scene and I wasn't really. I mean it was fun for a while, but I was kinda trying to figure my own life/shit out at the time. Plus, you lived an hour away! And I just wasn't ready for anything serious at the time.

*Side note: Also there was also Daniel...which obviously, I didn't include in my explanation, but I was young. It was what it was.

BJ: And you weren't wrong, but that's still not what I wanted.

Me: What's not what you wanted?

BJ: Breaking up

Me: Well don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've never been exactly forthcoming with your feelings. And you were so hostile to me afterwards that I just assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. Also, I feel the need to ask, are you drunk right now?? [It was like 3am]

BJ: No, if I get a DUI, I get fired and fuck that shit! My job is too good to lose.

Me: Lol ok just wondering.... Well I'm sorry for all that. A lot has changed since then. I am much more...I dunno what work to use, experienced/pragmatic/realistic/grown up now. I have always considered you at least a friend, if not a good friend. But I guess I've never really known your feelings/opinions.

BJ: I know what you mean, I think the same is true for both of us, and I'm very aware that I'm not forthcoming with feelings, lol. To be honest, whether you realize it or not, you know more about me than probably anybody on the planet.

Me: What??? I find that very hard to believe...

BJ: It's very true, but I'm not going to explain why or how. I think I've maxed myself out on feelings sharing.

Me: Nooooo! Lol.

BJ: Lol what you don't realize is you've always had me.

BJ: I know that's probably not what a woman wants to hear because it's not challenging but it is what it is.

Me: You might be the most self-contradicting, confusing person I've ever met. I mean...it's just hard for me to accept that as truth after you pretty much dated all my friends! And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it bc I had a huge thing for you in hs and you went after first Rikki, then Emma. And I won't even bring up the Cecilia thing, lol, but it just...doesn't make sense to me! I just...always thought you weren't that into me. Anyway, what does "challenging" have to do with anything?? I'm not 22 anymore.

BJ: Rikki was before I knew you liked me and Emma and I were always just friends. And Cecilia happened after I flew home for your birthday and found out you were making out with some other guy outside.

Me: I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive. you don't have to explain anything. That is all long in the past. I was just trying to explain why this is confusing for me. Not to mention the part where you never even hinted at any of this. You realize we fight like cats and dogs, right?? You act all macho in front of your friends, and I know it's just an act and it drives me crazy cuz I can't figure out why you act that way. And I'm confrontational and stubborn and weird and flighty and probably selfish and frustrating. This isn't exactly a 2+2=4 kind of equation. Anyway, I'm sorry for whatever pain and suffering I'm sure I caused you in the past. I hope that at least we can put all that behind us. [finally!]

BJ: But that's not even the point. Those aren't the girls who I've fought with, worked things out with and came back to for the last 12 years.

Me: You've worked things out with me bc I MADE you! I'm not the type to let go of friends easily. And I know the things we argue about are usually dumb. Definitely not worth losing a friendship over.

BJ: Everything you just say about us is 100% true, but I don't know, I really liked all of that, and I'm much less of a macho d-bag these days.

Me: Hahahaha well it's nice to know you're aware of your old habits... As for the rest, I agree, it kept things interesting. And it means a lot what you said, but I'm not sure that your feelings are really for ME, as I am now, and not just the idea of me, or the way you remember me. You have dated a lot of crazy broads, maybe I'm just the most agreeable out of all them. Lol. But really, it's been a long time since we've hung out and I'm not the same person anymore. I mean I am, but I'm not. You know?

BJ: Lol first you are not the most agreeable woman I've ever dated by a long shot, and I can imagine that you've grown and changed, that happens as we go through life, and in all reality you may such, I'm pretty sure I'm kind of lame these days, but I'm happy so screw it. And I'm visiting in a month so that'll be a chance to find out.

Me: True...but I don't want it to feel like we're putting a lot of pressure on one wkend. I am gonna have to work, ya know, it's Halloween. But we should try and catch up before then. So it's not like I'm talking to you for the first time in a million yrs.

BJ: Also, I wasn't trying to spring this on you, nor do I expect anything. These were just things I should've said a long time ago. Lol but I have a lot of plans that weekend, I was just saying we could get a meal together. No pressure at all.

Me: Well my offer still stands if you wanna stay with me. When are you flying back?

BJ: I still have to book my return ticket for Sunday.

Me: Well you should make it late. Lol. Cuz Sunday is the only day I won't have to work.

BJ: I can do that. Ok gorgeous I have to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

BJ: Dream about sending me naked pictures, or just do. Lol.

Me:  (: Night


So that was that conversation.
MIND IS BLOWN.
Right?? I mean I'm still trying to sort through all this. Mostly I can't figure out how I really feel about it, about him, because on the one hand, there's excitement you know, and it feels good to hear things like that from someone. But I don't know if I actually want to pursue this or not. And if he really feels that way about me, I don't want to lead him on either. Because I do really care about him as a friend, regardless of our romantic status. ((Sigh)) So confusing. We texted a bit today as well. So I know he wasn't just drunk word-vomiting Friday night.
Despite the quagmire that is my feelings, I'm not gonna lie, I feel...happy about it. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?? Anyone???

Ok, now for tonight, Saturday night. Went to work, and it was me, Abbie and Warren as usual. Well around 11ish, Warren disappeared into the office to do some server closeouts and it's just me and Abbie behind the bar. And it's just starting to really get busy when GUESS WHO WALKS UP TO THE BAR??
If you guessed Brazil, you would be correct.
I just looked up and there he was, right in front of me, and I said, "What the fuck!" because I was surprised. And he was like ,"What, am I not allowed to be here?" And I said, "What? I didn't say that..."
And then he said, "You pretty much said that."
And I said, "No, I just said 'What the fuck' because you surprised me."
Then he asked how I was doing (great!) and how is Jasper and where am I living. And I was trying to be...unaffected and as nice as possible. But it was just so awkward! Finally he took his 2 beers and left, and we were busy so I had enough to be getting on with. He and his friend lurked in front of the bar until some people got up and then they sat down and stayed for at least an hour. I completely ignored him. I served drinks to people on either sides of him without even making eye contact with him. I just pretended he wasn't there pretty much. He made another attempt to talk to me once when I walked by. He asked how I was doing, and I just said, "Fine, just busy working" and walked away.
Then finally, Warren comes back from the office just as Brazil is about to leave. And he's standing at the end of the bar, obviously waiting to say goodbye to me, but I just kept ignoring him, and eventually he left. And Warren goes, "Hey was that that guy that-"
"Yes," I interrupted him before he could make fun of me, "I don't know what he was doing here, I'm just glad he's finally gone."
"He was here trying to get laid." Warren said.
And then I told him that after our initial encounter at the bar, I seriously doubted that he thought he was gonna get laid. But Warren just said, "Guys are dumb. He probably still hopes he's gonna get laid." And I was just like, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me, I mean, no way!"
Well very shortly after that, Brazil texted me.
"Hey, sorry if it was akward (yes, he spelled it wrong) of me showing up out of nowhere today. Anyways, it was good to see you"

So I show Warren the text and he's like "I told you!" and then I was like, "Well what should I say??"
Well Warren had this awesome idea, which I am proud to say I used. Lol. Here is what I responded with:

Me: It was just really busy. So are you busy later?

Brazil: Im just at home now, surfing the web n stuff.. I guess that means .. Not busy?

Me: Wanna hang out when I get off work?

Brazil: For sure, if by any chance I don't respond is probably cause im passed out sleeping.
Brazil: But anyways, u have idea whne u will be done? Dont mean to bother, i know ur really busy

Me: Oh wait, hang on...I just remembered you're THE DOUCHEST BAG. But you're welcome at [our bar] anytime. Sweet dreams.

Brazil: That was unecessary, and you know it's not true.. Not cool peyton. You have no reason to say that to me, even if you think you do. Anyway, i hope ur doing fine, I'll disregard the insults.

A couple minutes go by...

Brazil: Douchest bag ever? WTF?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!! 
I'm sorry, I know it was terrible, and immature, yada yada, but it just felt soooo good!! And me and Warren seriously laughed about it for at least 20 minutes. It definitely made my  night. ((Sigh)) 
I didn't respond to him any more after that. It was just great. I just can't believe he was dumb enough to think that after I deleted him from my friends TWICE, and then completely ignored him at the bar, he thought I would wanna go over to his place?? In the words of Ron Weasley, "How thick can you get?" 
LOL.
Also on a side note, it's really hard for me to type all his misspellings. Lol. Idiot.

Anyway, this is has been one interesting weekend. On another unrelated note, I gave my number to a hot guy on Friday night. Perhaps I'll hear from him, perhaps I won't? Meh... 

Anyway, I really could use some advice on the BJ situation? I mean I'm gonna see him in about a month, but I don't wanna like...invest too much into that right now because it just seems kind of silly. I dunno... Let me know what you all think.

Flame on, muthafuckaz!

Love: The Great Debate

Lately, I've found that two different sides of my personality have been having this recurring internal argument about love.

My jaded, possibly bitter, definitely pragmatic side argues that love is probably not real at all. It's just a fluff word that people use to romanticize something that is convenient for them. When you're young, you may "fall in love" a time or two. It's new, it's exciting, you're experiencing all these new things and sharing them with another person. But that newness, that fire, it always wears off eventually. Usually when you discover that the guy you're seeing is actually a vile, semi-comatose troll, or a perhaps nymphomaniac, whose tastes aren't limited to just you. And then you tell yourself, "Oh, I'm so young, I have so much time, and I'm sure The One will come along eventually. No rush to meet someone now."

And then you get a little older, like me, and you find that dating is like a second job. A job you hate and don't get paid for and find yourself constantly wondering why you're doing it. The men you meet are few and far between. You go for months without speaking to anyone of the opposite sex. Finally you're like, "Well fuck, I'm never gonna meet anyone, and all the good ones are already taken, and God why am I so damn picky? Perhaps I should just accept my fate as a spinster and start watching the home shopping network and collecting cats."

Then another 10 years go by and maybe you meet someone who really makes you laugh, or who's always around when you want to veg out in front of the television, or maybe they're just good in bed, and despite your lack of attraction to this person, or the fact that he is a foot shorter than you, or 20 pounds overweight, or $50k in debt, you think, "Sure, yea I could spend the rest of my life with this person. I mean it's better than being alone. At least I'll be able to get a house and have someone to split the mortgage with." Or maybe you're one of those people who really wants kids, and you're sick of waiting for Mister Perfect to come along, so you just pick a guy who's able to support a family, and wants kids as much as you do. Or, maybe you're sick of living paycheck to paycheck, so when you meet a man who's wealthy, you look past his saggy man boobs, silver ball hair and hemorrhoids, and marry him.

All these things have to be taken into consideration when choosing a life companion. So where does the fabled and elusive "Love" actually come into play? I don't think it actually does. I think it's just a nice name for all these conveniences, these necessary affiliations. I think Love is just what people call it, so that when they go to bed at night, they can feel ok about their relationship and their life, because really all people want is security, stability. When you get to be 35-40, you don't want to wake up wondering if you have enough money in your checking account to pay your rent. You don't want to have that same nagging conversation in your head about whether there actually is a guy out there for you. You don't want to sit alone in your studio apartment wondering how long it would take for someone to find you if you were to drop dead at that very moment. You want to know you're going to be ok.
And that's why I think Love doesn't really exist.


On the other hand, my romantic, dare to be hopeful side, thinks that if people are still getting married, there must be something to it. There must be some rhyme or reason behind fairy tales and love stories. Right? Awe fuck it.

Summer's End

Ahhh the last couple weeks have been exhausting...
Austin was great. I had such an amazing time with Izzie and Jenna...not to mention, Izzie's daughter referred to me as "Mermaid" the whole time I was there. Lol. That was my name, according to her. I really miss Texas, and my friends... Sometimes I wonder what would have happened/where I would be now if I had never come to Chicago. But Izzie very perceptively pointed out that even though she was selfishly sad that I left, she' glad I moved because I really needed to get out of Houston. She reminded me how unhappy I was, which I sometimes sort of forget or overlook when I'm feeling restless, lonely, or homesick. But she told me she'd never seen me so sad, and hopeless. Then she showed me this video on her phone of the last time I visited, and my hair was up in a ponytail and it was just...omg. I had forgotten how the stress and the depression had affected my hair. It was falling out like crazy! It was horrible. It's fine now, and my hair is back to it's normal full self (thank God!), but that was just kind of a reality check.
So even when I get homesick, at least I know I made the right decision coming here. I know I won't stay here forever, but it's ok for now. :)
Yesterday, Sophie and Brent and I went to the Renaissance Faire! It was such a blast... I had on my steel-boned corset, chemise and underskirt, which I haven't worn since Sophie and Brent's wedding. It sort of rained on and off all day, but it was better than being hot! Also, the three of us got to get in a ring, dressed in real armor, and fence to the death!! Lol. They tied balloons to the tops of our helms and you had to pop your opponents balloon to "kill them". It was first to 5 and I was in the lead with 3 strikes, Brent with 1 and Sophie with 0 (lol), but then I started to tire, because I could hardly breathe in my corset, and it was so hot under all that armor, and Brent caught up with me. Then I killed him again, but he kept catching up! Sophie got 2 points by default when Brent and I killed each other simultaneously. Hahaha. We played about 12 rounds, so it was very taxing! In the end, Brent beat me by 1 point. But I blame the corset!! If I hadn't been panting, unable to catch my breath and tripping over my skirts the way I was, I'm sure I would have beat him. In fact, I think if it weren't for the corsets, I would have done quite well living in the Renaissance times. Lol. But omg you should have seen my hair when they took the helm off. Bahaha...
Anyway, it was sooo much fun, and just what I needed right before school starts.
Yup, in 2 days! I can't believe summer is over already. :( Where does the time go??

This morning at 5:45am, Jasper woke me up to go to the bathroom. Which is very unusual, cuz he usually sleeps as long as I sleep, so I knew he must have had to really go. Well it was diarrhea, and it persisted. He woke me twice more after that, and the second time, there was blood in his stool! Of course, I freaked out and rushed him to the vet. Poor baby has a bacterial infection in his GI tract. So we got him some meds, and I have to boil chicken and rice for him to eat all week. And once again, I got next to no sleep. We left for the Ren Faire at 9:30 Sunday morning, and I'd only gotten 3.5 hours of sleep, so I was already exhausted, and then Jaspy got sick... ((sigh)) I don't think he got much sleep last night either. We both just woke up from a much needed nap.
Jasper is so cute at the vet. He gets sooo nervous around the doctors that he jumps in my lap, or curls up behind my legs. He literally buried his head inside my purse, which was in my lap, while we were in the exam room. The vet commented on how attached he is to me. I love him so much! What would we do without our dogs, guys am I right??

One more thing before I go... On Friday, Brazil sent me a facebook friend request. Would anyone like to give me an insightful guess as to why he would do this? I mean clearly I deleted him, and it's not like we're friends in real life. I haven't even seen him once, let alone spoken to him! What's his end game?? And I feel like if I deny his request, then I will come off as not being over it, or bitter. Ugh... So he's just sitting there for now, unconfirmed. Hmmm... Please, please someone tell me what this means!!

Well, once again, I'm sorry I haven't been blogging regularly, but until my life starts to get exciting again, you'll just have to bear with me. :/

Idle Chatter

Well I don't have too much to report, but it's another late night/early morning for me, and I can't sleep. So I figured I'd do some rambling. Well I've just realized that most of my friends are already pregnant with baby #2. ((Sigh)). So that's...depressing.
Also, is it not weird that all my serious boyfriends got married and then started having kids in the order that I dated them?? That's totally weird, right??
Ugh...

Anyway, our staff trip last week was really fun. Of course we all played Truth or Dare the first night as if we were all in high school. Hahaha. But it was hilarious, and my lips are sealed! Lol. And overall it was just a fun, relaxing trip. I drove Ronnie's parents car on the way home, cuz Ronnie was too tired to drive. And that was really nice too, cuz I enjoy driving, but since I don't have a car here in Chicago, I never get to drive. Not to mention, Ronnie's parents drive a Lexus :)

I'm going to Austin in a week too! And I'm sooooooooo excited about that! Hopefully something exciting will happen whilst I am there.

Also, I recently decided that the next guy I hook up with will not be just a hookup. I'm going to be completely celibate until I'm in a relationship. And with the way things are looking, that could be a very, very long time. So let's hope I don't go insane meanwhile. School starts right after I get back from Austin, and up until recently I've been really dreading it. But now I'm actually kind of looking forward to it, if only cuz it means I won't be spending so much time alone, and bored. I really need to get out of the house more. I've been such a homebody this summer. Mostly cuz I'm always trying not to spend any money, although I usually end up failing at that anyway.
My semester is going to be very busy this time around, because I'll be taking all studio classes, Monday through Thursday, and they all go from 9am to 4pm, with 1 hour for lunch. So I'm gonna have to try and turn around my sleep schedule before then. I'm hoping my trip to Austin will do that for me, since Izzie is an early riser.

Well I guess I'm gonna watch another episode of Breaking Bad and then attempt to get some sleep! I'm on season 3. Think I can catch up before season 5 is over??

The Place Where I Belong

If I get a little sad/discouraged/depressed/start feeling sorry for myself every time I see that another person in my social circle has gotten engaged or married, does that make me a selfish person??
Cuz I've been feeling that a lot lately. Two engagements and one wedding within a week. Ugh... It just makes me feel so inadequate. So...lonely.
And not just for a significant other, but for my family and my friends. I know I have Sophie, but she's talking about moving to NYC next year, and one good friend isn't always enough. Over the past year+ that I've been here in Chicago, I've learned something really important: that you should never take your friends for granted. Because true friends, the friends you stay in touch with for years and years, the friends you can always count on, the friends who you're not afraid to cry in front of, are really hard to find. And they're even harder to replace.
I guess I'm getting a bit homesick. It's weird because I finally have my own place here, and I actually do feel "at home", but I still feel alone. I mean I have Abbie, but she's not Izzie. She's not Jenna. She's not Taryn. I miss them all so much. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm thinking about moving to Austin. When I finish school I mean. NOLA is still in the running of course, but Austin may now be a close contender. My trip down there is only in a couple more weeks, so perhaps that will paint a clearer picture for me.
But how will I know when I've found the place where I belong? Not just geographically, but career-wise, relationship-wise, friendship-wise? Am I too late to be asking myself these questions??

Felix the Fuckwad

Well it's been slow going the last couple of weeks, but I have a few things to report...

Work stuff. There's been a lot more drama than usual going on at work, starting with Felix, my new LEAST favorite person at work. Ugh. But before I get to that, I have to tell you that the week after next, the staff is taking a trip to Wisconsin! Which I am really excited about, but before I get to that, I have to tell you what happened with Felix. I'll start from the beginning of that story...
So you all know I've been bartending for many years, and when I started working at my current bar, I agreed to take a couple serving shifts while the owner made some scheduling adjustments to get some bar shifts. Well it's been a little over a year, and I'm still only bartending once a week, which I am not happy about. And I'm getting frustrated about it too, because once school starts, I'm gonna have to give up my Thursday shift because of class. Which means I'll only be working 2 shifts a week, and I just don't think that's gonna cut it for me. So I've sort of been toying with the idea of looking for another job, possibly. But, that's just background info. So anyways, Felix is one of the bartenders, and he also makes the schedule, so he's technically a bartender/manager, even though all he does is make the schedule. He also happens to be one of the worst bartenders we have because A) he is the least experienced, B) he's slow C) he's not very good at multitasking and D) he gets easily flustered and frustrated when it gets busy. So instead of putting his head down and busting his ass, he freaks out and tends to snap at people. Ugh. Needless to say, it's hard to respect someone like that, even if he is in a position of superiority.
A couple weeks ago Felix sent out a email to all the staff asking for volunteers to work this event on a Sunday. I volunteered to bartend, and he responded telling me that the bartending slot had already been filled, but that he still needed servers if I was interested. Well I wasn't interested, so I didn't respond. I only volunteered to bartend because he said it was going to be a cash bar, whereas the servers would just be serving plates of food which was included in a flat rate tickets. Meaning, they probably wouldn't make any money.
So a week later, Felix writes me back again:

Hi Peyton,

I wanted to follow-up with you on this. Given your availability on this date, I will need to schedule you to serve as I am still in need of 2  servers. Should things change with the bartenders, you will be the first to move into that role. I expect this to be a lucrative shift for both servers and bartenders alike. Thank you for your understanding and I appreciate you being available.

-Felix


Are you fucking kidding me?! After a week, during which I've made plans, you're just TELLING me I have to work this stupid event! He didn't even ask! He just fucking scheduled me. The fucking bastard. <-- That was my initial reaction. But then I thought about it, and I was like, "You know what? I could get mad and tell him no, or I could just suck it up and work. I need the money anyway. So I wrote him back, "Ok, no problem." Ugh.

Then the following week, I was talking with some of my other coworkers about it, because no one else had volunteered to work! DUH because they all had the same thought that I had, which is that the servers weren't going to make any money. So I decided to write Felix another email. And before I sent it, I had one of the other servers read it, just to make sure it was ok to send. This is what it said:

Hey Felix,

Quick question: Are the servers going to be tipped out for this event?? Because in my experience, usually when there's a flat rate people don't really tip and I don't wanna come in and just work for free, ya know? So I'm just curious why you think its going to be a lucrative shift. I don't mean to sound bitchy, but at the end of the day, that's kinda what counts. And I know a couple other servers who are hesitant to volunteer for this reason. So just wondering what the deal is.

Thanks,

Peyton

Keep in mind that I was writing this to a fellow bartender and peer... Well several days go by and he never bothers responding, and the other girls are asking me what the deal is, etc. And I'm like, "I don't know, he never responded."
Then finally, last Thursday I got this email, FROM MY BOSS, Caleb (the owner):

I've been in discussion with Felix regarding your concerns about serving for the event on Sun July 22nd.  To be frank, I don't think you're being bitchy with the concerns about tip money, but I do think that you are being contradictory, ignorant, and short sighted with that thought process. 

Contradictory in that you shared with me on Tuesday that you are broke, so I imagine any money is better than none at all. 

Ignorant in that if I selfishly made every decision at [bar] strictly on finances and profitability, as seems to be your main concern about 7/22, that the workplace you are currently employed in would be far less desirable than it is, while most certainly more profitable for me.

Short sighted in that just days ago I sent an email regarding an employee trip and how [bar] functions as a whole.  Please let me know of the last bar that you worked at that closed for 3 days for an employee trip.  Even with the generosity of Ronnie's parents to let us use their cabin, it will be quite an expense that I'd like to think is going to be appreciated and rewarding.

Safe to say that I was surprised, hurt, and disturbed by your concerns.  Even more so when you had alluded to other servers sharing this same concern, leading me to think that I am ignorant to a budding problem at [bar]. I consider myself to be an approachable owner & manager, and would hope that if you had any legitimate concerns, financial or otherwise, that you would speak to me about them before passing a blanket judgement.

To directly answer your question about the event, I will be sure that all workers leave with an appropriate amount of money for their services on 7/22, including adding money collected from ticket sales to whatever individual tips are left by customers.  Due to a lack of ticket sales, and a disappointing lack of support from the neighborhood association who benefit most by our hosting this event, the event may be cancelled.  If the event is confirmed for 7/22, I would expect and appreciate your help that night.

Lastly, please do not be angry with Felix sharing your email with me.  As a manager, it is his job to do so.

I'll be in Sat with my family, but would rather not discuss this at that time.  If you want to discuss on the phone before I return to work on Thus 7/19, let me know and I'll arrange it.


Needless to say I was totally shocked to receive that, and the more I thought about it, the more angry I became. First of all, I think Caleb's response was a complete overreaction, and way out of line, and just plain MEAN. Secondly, I think Felix is a little BITCH! Fucking whining to Caleb, practically hiding behind his mummy's skirts because he can't deal with shit himself. I mean if I was going to send an email to Caleb I would have worded it WAY differently! But I know it's my own fault, and I should be more conscientious of what I put in writing, since I have been known to get myself in trouble for that in the past.
I just hate passive aggressive people! Fucking grow a pair!!! UUUUUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!

Well I wrote Caleb back, apologized for offending him, and explained that I think it was just a misunderstanding, and that perhaps I am ignorant about how these events are run, and that I just wanted to be kept informed. And I told him that we do appreciate everything he does for us.
(Despite the fact that I think it's fucked up he was trying to throw the staff trip back in my face when:
1) it's supposed to be his way of thanking us as his employees, and showing his appreciation to us, not the other way around, and
2) back in Houston, we took employee trips twice a year! Not once every 4, which is pretty much what it's like here, but whatever...)

Then Caleb wrote me back, "Thanks, I appreciate it, we'll chat on Thursday", which is tomorrow.
So when I talk to him tomorrow I'm going to tell him that Felix basically forced me into working it, and that I had to cancel my plans, and that I was pissed about it. I mean if you ask people to volunteer for something, and then they do, and then you basically punish them for it, that's just...fucked up! And of course I won't say it in those words, but I'm just so fucking pissed about this whole situation because if Felix wasn't such a FUCKING PUSSY none of this would have happened!!

So now I'm back to thinking about getting a new job, as much as I cringe at the idea of job hunting, it just kinda seems like a good idea right now. I just feel like Caleb has gotten the complete wrong impression of me, and the fact that I'm still waiting tables is not helping.

But the staff trip is happening in a couple weeks, and Ronnie's parents have a cabin on Green Bay that we're gonna all stay at, and it should be a lot of fun. There aren't any boys I work with who I'm even remotely interested in though, which means there will be no romance. Booo. Oh well. Abbie, Ronnie and I will have girl time.

So that's what's up with me! Sorry it's been so long!

Is Anyone There??

So who's been to check out the new blogger on Cosmo.com?? I'm not sure I'm digging this new chick as much as K, but I'm gonna keep reading before I judge... Either way, it's totally fiction. No one is 24, fresh out of college, and has that good of a job these days. ((Sigh)) But hey, it's nice to fantasize.

Anyway...
Matt and I have plans to hook up again this weekend. So that should be fun. So far today has been one of the most boring days of my life. I actually don't have anything to do for the next 2 days. No family or friends coming in town, no work, no doctor/dentist appointments. I guess this will give me no excuses to not practice piano. I'm starting lessons back up next Tuesday.
Sophie and I had a nice relaxing day together yesterday. We went to the beach, lunch/cocktails, and then to the movies to see Brave. Which was great btw! I highly recommend it. And we rode our bikes everywhere, so my legs and ass are really feeling it today. Lol.
Last night when I got home, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I realized that I don't think I'm ever going to get married. And I'm not all that worried about it. And it worries me that I'm not worried about it. Lol, wtf?? It's just that I've been single for so long, and I'm not meeting anyone, and I don't really know how to meet anyone. And it's not for lack of trying! It's just...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot, and that was a bust, I'm not trying to pick up guys in bars, I usually look like crap when I go to the grocery store so...where does that leave me? I've pretty much just given up on looking. I mean if casual sex with Matt is all that's in the cards for me right now, I'll take it. At least it's drama free, right?
I'm in a place where I've accepted my life the way it is, and while I may never be completely satisfied, at least I'm happy. And who knows if I'll stay in Chicago forever. I might only be here for another year or two. If I move though, it's definitely gonna be New Orleans. That oughta be fun, right? Hahaha. We'll see...

Anyway, sorry the blog has been so bland lately, but my life isn't always exciting. I just hope you all are still reading!

Growing Up

Well this weekend was a killer. My dad was here, so that meant working late every night and still getting up early every morning to go do stuff. It was fun though, and nice to see my dad. But now that he's gone, it's also kind of a relief that I don't have to do anything tomorrow or the next day. Lol.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, and eating leftovers and thinking to myself how much I love my apartment. It might be small, and it might not have central air, but it's mine. All mine. My stuff, my space, my decor...it's just great. And I couldn't be happier about it.
Tomorrow, Warren's band is playing at a small venue downtown, and me, Abbie and another girl from work, Kylie, are all going. Speaking of Abbie, I've been feeling a little...tired of her lately. Well, that's kind of harsh for me to say, actually. Tired of her isn't the right way to put it. I've just been feeling a little too old for her lately. I mean since when did I become always the grown up?? It's so weird. But it's like...her friends all suck. Most of them do coke, and are super immature drama queens, and then it's like she hooks up with a different guy almost every weekend, and half the time she doesn't even use protection! I already had to go get Plan B for her once, and I feel like I have mother-daughter conversations with her on a weekly basis:

"Abbie. You can't just have unprotected sex with complete strangers. You could literally get an STD, or get pregnant, or worse!" 

"Abbie. Why the hell are you friends with that girl?? She was coked up the whole day and trying to pick fights with everyone." 

"Abbie. Your friend just puked on her shoes."

 "Abbie. It's 9am and you're still drunk from the night before." 

And she always just has some excuse, usually, "I know, it was stupid, I was just really wasted." 

WTF!? I've had plenty of drunk, stupid sex in my time, but I don't remember ever being that irresponsible. And it's taxing, to be honest! To be constantly listening to her tell me about all the stupid-ass situations she gets herself into with guys, and her friends who are all alcoholics and a horrible influence. Ugh... I can't wait till her twin sister, Reagan, moves back from Germany next month. She's great - married to a guy in the military (he's been stationed in Germany but is about to be deployed), she's mature, and still fun, and definitely the kind of stability I think Abbie needs in her life right now. Because I don't think I can handle any more train wreck friends. Is it selfish of me to be thinking this way?? I mean, I love Abbie, and she's probably the best friend I've made here in Chicago so far, but to me these are red flags. Right?? But I mean, she's only 2 years younger than me! I don't remember being that...crazy at 26. Was I?? Maybe I should go back and read some old posts. But it is weird reflecting on my own maturity. I may not be the best when it comes to managing my money, but when it comes to my lifestyle, my friends, school, and my health, I'm pretty damn responsible. And that's definitely more than I can say for the person I was 3 years ago.
So maybe I just need some more grown up friends. Or maybe I'm just ready to move on from...wherever it is I'm stuck right now. ((Sigh)) Baby steps.

Just bought a plane ticket to go to Austin and visit Izzie!! So excited!! More details to come...

The Hottie Next Door

So a couple of weeks ago like a troop of youngish people moved in next door. They're basically all living in a commune and I have no idea what their exact numbers are, but they all seem pretty cool. Tonight when I got home from work, one guy and one girl were sitting outside drinking a beer. When I took Jasper out to walk him, the guy was petting him and fawning all over him. So I stopped to chat with them for a while. Their names are Tara and Roan (sp?) - pronounced R0-en, two syllables. He said he goes by Ro for short. And he's Irish. And SOOOO FINE.... Lol. For one, he's got that sexy Irish accent, two he has a sexy Irish name, and three, he has a sexy, very masculine aura about him. Lol. And he's tall! I have no idea how old he is though. But they told me that they're here for the summer on a work visa, and he's still looking for a job. Lucky for me, I actually know someone who is looking for a guy bartender, so I asked him if he had any experience and if he would be interested. And he said yes, and he would be very interested and that would be great! So I'm trying to hook him up with a job. He also said that if I ever wanted someone to walk Jasper, he loves dogs, and will play with him/walk him anytime. So I definitely might take him up on that, if only for an excuse to talk to him.
Damn he's hot... Lol.

In other news, Bethany tried calling me again yesterday, and I didn't answer. I'm still not over everything that happened and I just don't feel like I really have anything to say to her. In fact, I've already taken most of the pictures I had of us around my apartment down, and replaced them with pics of me and Abbie. Not because I feel like I'm replacing Bethany with Abbie, but mostly because I couldn't stand looking at Bethany's face, and I didn't really have any pictures of me and Abbie up.

A couple weekends ago I hooked up with Matt again. I hadn't seen him since...well since the first time we hooked up in early January, and he just kinda texted me out of the blue. And I was overdue for some birthday sex, so I figured what the hell. And god it was awesome... Just SEX. No drama, no strings attached! And he's lost weight since I last saw him. Not that he was fat or anything before, but now he's like really cut. HOTT. Also, he said we're definitely gonna have to do that again. Haha. I'm down.

Anyway, my dad is coming to visit this weekend for Father's Day. Hopefully there won't be any girlfriend shenanigans. Ugh... I am looking forward to seeing him though. I haven't seen my mom since Christmas and I miss her too! It's weird going for so long without seeing my parents. It's also weird living in a new place that they've never been in or seen. Like...being here and not having memories of them being here, ya know?? Well that's all for now. Hopefully I will have some more exciting news about Ro soon... ;)

Girls Weekend: Part II

Saturday:
So we slept till about noon on Saturday, and then Ali and Bethany showed up. I had had an extra set of keys made for the girls. So they just let themselves in and woke us up. Carrie wanted to go see The Bean, so I had promised to take her to Millennium Park. And of course it was Ali's first day in the city. So we packed up and headed downtown again. We walked around and they took pictures, and Bethany talked on the phone to her annoying boyfriend. Then around 6, we had to head back, because I had to work that night. Since it was Labor Day weekend I wasn't able to get Saturday night covered. Our plan was to have Chicago style pizza at this place near my bar so that I could just walk to work from there. And of course they really wanted to try deep dish pizza. But Bethany insisted that she needed like 2 hours to get ready, since they would all be going out afterwards. So basically what ended up happening is I dropped them off at the restaurant and then went to work. Because Bethany took so long getting ready that by the time we got there, I had to leave immediately.
And when I finally got to work, I was legitimately relieved to be away from Bethany!
When I got home that night, Carrie was already asleep in my bed. And it was hot as fuck. ((Sigh))

Sunday:
So the plan all along had been for us to go to the Sox game on Sunday at 1. Bethany had even arranged her travel plans around it, so that her flight didn't leave till 7 and she would have time to go to the game. Well I set my alarm for like 10 so that I could shower and stuff, even though I'd literally only been sleeping for like 4 hours. And when I get out of the shower, I had a text from Ali.
"So what's the plan? Bethany's still in bed. I'm up. You said be at your place at 11:30, right?"

"Yup."

"I suggest you call Bethany! :)"

"Tell her the bus is leaving at 11:30 whether she's on it or not. I've had 4 hours of sleep. If I have to put up with her shit today I will murder her."

"Lol I have her up! I'm going to be there! I've been up since 8 excited to do something! And I went to bed at 5. I suggested that we check her bag in at the airport and then go to the game since they are close by. Instead of having to come back to get her bag and everything. She thinks that's too much trouble. I said no, that we would just have to leave earlier for the game and we wouldn't be rushed later."

"That makes sense actually. Make her do it. Lol."

"We are bringing the bag to your place! Then you tell her to take it with her to the game and we go to the airport first and then the game."

Ali again, "Ok!! We are checking that bag in before the game!! I told her!! She is game!!! I'm running this biatch up in here today!! For sure!!! No drama like last night."

"Haha...good!"

So everything seem to be in order. Then I get a text from Bethany...

"I don't want my bag to get lost if I take it to the airport now."

"Where would it get lost? Why don't you just leave your stuff here then, and you can take a cab to the airport."

"I'm not sure what's going on with you but you're making me feel like I'm a pain and I'm not welcome. I'm not going to the game. I'll get myself to the airport. Don't worry about it."

"Wtf. Dude, I am exhausted. I had 4 hours of sleep and you're making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal. I was just saying it would be easier to take your bags first rather than go back and forth. And since Ali and Carrie are still here, I don't think they want to spend the whole day planning train trips to/from the airport. No matter what I do, I can't please everybody. You're putting me in a shitty position."

Then Bethany called me. I can't remember what all was said, but she started crying, telling me I'm a shitty friend and that I should have thought about this before now. WTF?! How and why is it my responsibility to plan when we take her fucking shit to the airport!? I have 2 other guests to think about! Then of course I got mad and started yelling, and she was like "FINE! Well I'll just stay here! I don't wanna go to the game if I'm such an inconvenience!" And then I think she hung up on me.

Somehow, Ali convinced her to come anyway, so I'm like, Fuck. This day is going to suck now. So I sent Bethany a text to try to mend things before they got any worse. This is what it said, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, and I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome. You are one of my best friends and your friendship is very valuable to me and I don't wanna fight with you. We are all running on fumes and need naps. I just wanna bake a cake made of rainbows and we can all eat it and be happy." (<-- Mean Girls quote)

Well she didn't even bother responding to my text. But when she and Ali got here, she still had her panties in a bunch about everything because she just assumed that we were ALL going to take the one hour train ride to the airport with her to drop off her bags. And when I told her we didn't have time for that anymore, because we would have had to leave earlier, she blew a fucking gasket. So I told her let's just stick with the original plan and leave her bags at my place and we would get them after the game. But then she started crying again saying she was worried she was gonna miss her flight, and it's the last flight to Houston out of Chicago, and she just wants to go home and WAAAAAHHHH!!
And now Carrie (who was witness to everything up until this point and was really sick of her shit) chimed in, "No, it will be fine. We'll leave the game a little bit early, and we'll time it just right. You'll make it in plenty of time."
Which she would have anyway because no baseball game lasts 7 hours!!!! Her flight wasn't till 7 and the game was at 1! CHEESE & RICE!
But she still kept bitching and making up every excuse she could think of about why that wouldn't work. And she said she was just gonna stay home. And I was like, "Well what are you gonna do then?"
"I don't know, just sit here!"
And Carrie was like, "Ok well we'll probably be back before you leave."
And that was when Bethany realized that we weren't all going to beg her to come, so she was like, "Fine! I'll just come to the game! If my options are to sit here and be miserable or go to the game and be miserable, I might as well go!"
And we're all looking at each other like FUCK!
So we leave the apartment. FINALLY.
And then Bethany says something about "us" all going to the airport with her and I'm like, "Well we're not all going to the airport. That would be silly."
And she looks at me like I just smote her or something. And I say, "It's no big deal, I'll just give you the directions and you can take the train. It's really easy."

"I am not taking the train by myself! I'll get lost and miss my flight! And I can't believe that you expect me to go to the airport by myself! This whole trip has just been about you! I can't believe you're being so selfish!"

"I'm being selfish?? If I take you to the airport, what are Ali and Carrie supposed to do during that 2 1/2 hours that I'm gone?"

"I don't care! That's not my problem! This doesn't even have anything to do with them!"

Then Carrie, who is now irate and tired of sitting idly by says, "Bethany, I love you, but I'm sorry, you're being really difficult-"

"Shut the fuck up, Carrie! This has nothing to do with you!"

"OHHHH NO. I am NOT doing this." Carrie stops in the middle of the sidewalk. "This has nothing to do with me?!? This is my vacation too! And I bought my ticket way before you did! I'm sorry if I don't wanna spend all day in the airport! I took the train here by myself and it was fine, you need to grow up and stop acting like a child!"

So then Carrie and Bethany continued to yell at each other. Keep in mind that this is happening on the sidewalk, on our way to the train.

Then Carrie storms off ahead with Ali, and Bethany's like, "So is she the reason you don't wanna take me to the airport?? All that stuff you said to me earlier, was that just what she was telling you to say!?"

"NO! That is ridiculous! I was telling that I don't want to take you to the airport because there are two other people here, on vacation, that don't want to sit on the train all goddamn day! Why can't you just take a cab?!"

"Because I don't wanna spend any more money, Peyton*! If I would have known that you weren't gonna take me to the airport, I wouldn't have come!"


*(She didn't seem to have a problem spending money on Friday when she was buying everything in sight!!)


"Stop being so dramatic! GOD!! This is so fucking ridiculous!! I just wanted to go to the fucking game, and relax, and drink, and have a good time, but now everybody's pissed off because you decided to get on your little high horse and throw a fucking temper tantrum!"

"Oh I'm being dramatic!? Haha! That's hilarious. So you're saying it's my fault that everybody's in a bad mood now??"

"YES!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!!! You know what?! Fuck this! I don't even wanna go anymore."

Ali and Carrie were already on the other side of the turnstile but I had to get as far away from Bethany at that moment as humanly possible. So I turned around and started walking back to my house. Carrie came out after me, and in a moment, which I am now referring to as a rage black out, I kicked and swung my purse at a pole. I have never been so mad in my life. Seriously! We all laughed at my Hulk Smash moment later that night (after Bethany was gone), but really...not my finest moment.


Well I'll skip ahead a bit, cuz I think you guys probably get the gist by now. We finally get on the train to the Sox game. Bethany sits on one side of the train car, and the rest of us sit on the other side. Her choice. Whatever. Lucky for us, I brought vodka, so we immediately begin taking shots, and we are already feeling better just being away from Bethany. We all just needed some time to cool off I think. When we got off the train, Bethany and Carrie still didn't speak directly to one another, but Bethany was cordial to me again, and sort of just acted like nothing was wrong. I gave her a shot of vodka. We went to the game, we left early, Bethany decided to take a cab to the airport. Ali and Carrie got off at Chicago and State so Carrie could show Ali the Hancock building, and I went the rest of the way home with Bethany. She packed up and her cab came and she was gone! FINALLY!!


Then I met up with Ali and Carrie downtown and we went on a wonderful, relaxing, drama-free sunset cruise! It was amazing. Then we had dinner, and went home. They both left the next morning, and I felt terrible that their trip had to be sullied by Bethany's horrific attitude. But I can't tell you how nice it felt to have my apartment back. To be alone. And to SLEEP. AT LAST!!! And I finally broke down and bought an AC unit. Of course the temp dropped to 70 the very next day. ((Sigh))

Anyway, I'm not sure what this has done to me and Bethany's friendship. She called me once after she got home, and just acted like nothing had ever happened. So I guess that's her way of dealing. But I can't just sweep all that under the rug. She is not the same person I befriended 5 years ago. And to be honest, she is not the type of person I would choose to be friends with today. I mean I know she's been through a lot over the past couple of years, what with her mom passing away and everything, but when did she become so entirely self-centered?? I definitely don't plan on inviting her back any time soon, that's for sure. And if this damage is ever going to be mended, it's going to take a long, long time.

Girls Weekend: Part I

Alright I want to apologize in advance for this post, because it's going to be really negative. I'm not having the best day. I just quit my subscription to online dating a month early, because I just can't take it anymore! I hate it! Worst idea I ever had!! I had another really horrible date, with some pathetic loser who takes himself wayyyyy too seriously. He's in finance but is pursuing "acting" (said in the voice of Jenna Maroney). Give me a fucking break... Not to mention, he practically held me hostage for FOUR HOURS!! I have never wanted to leave a restaurant so badly. Ugh. So that's it. I quit! I am never going to meet someone in Chicago because frankly, the percentage of attractive guys here is uncommonly low, I'm talking like...6%. And the portion of guys within that percentage that are single is probably 1%. SO FML. I should just move back to Houston. Sometimes I literally sit and think about all the hot guys I just tossed aside because of some trivial flaw I found, and it makes me sick. What is wrong with me?!? I just want somebody to be with. And I don't think it makes me shallow if I prefer that he not be morbidly obese or covered in warts!! ((Sigh)) I know I am being very dramatic right now, but I need to vent.

Anyway, now let me tell you about my disaster weekend with the girls. Yes, that's right, it was a Grade A disaster. Bethany got here Wednesday afternoon. I took the train to the airport and met her in baggage claim. We were all excited and happy and the world is at our fingertips, yay!! Lol. So that night, I took her to my favorite restaurant which is now only 3 doors down. We get drinks and order appetizers and the whole time, she is texting her lame ass boyfriend. Finally I said something to her about it and she was like, "Sorry! It's just everyone wanted to know I made it here safe." So I let it slide...
Then we're trying to figure out what to do that night, because Bethany wants to do something Chicago-y. I had tried to get us tickets to a really popular show at the improv theater, but it was sold out. And then it hit me! The puppet show! (Improv puppet show at aforementioned improv theater)
Bethany says, "Whaaaat? No. I am not doing that."
"Dude, trust me. It's hilarious, and you'll love it."
And she did! HA!
Then we decided to go out for a couple drinks afterwards. I didn't want to stay out late, because I had my housewarming/birthday party the next day, and I knew we were going to be partying pretty hard the whole weekend, but some annoying guys were flirting with Bethany, and because she was enjoying the attention, she wanted to stay. So we did.
Bright and early the next morning, Carrie calls, her plane just landed. Bethany and I are still in bed. So I text Carrie the directions on how to take the train and what stop to get off at, etc, and I tell her I'll meet her at the train stop by my house. Bethany refuses to get out of bed. So I go get Carrie, and she's all smiles because this is her first trip to Chicago. So I take the girls to the lake. We lay out and relax, it's nice outside, and we're getting sun. The lake is still too cold to swim in though. So after a couple hours, we're all hungry and ready to get going. By this time, Bethany is starting to get a little tired, and...mopey. For lack of a better word. She hardly talks at all while we're at the restaurant and she complains about her panini, because it's "not what she was expecting it to be". So I ask her if something is wrong, because she seems to be acting weird and she says she's just tired. So I suggest she takes a nap while Carrie and I get ready for the party.
So we get back to my place (which looks GREAT by the way, and I couldn't be happier about that), and Bethany showers and gets in my bed. Carrie and I are making snacks, cleaning, and just you know, getting ready for the party. Of course during this time, we both have to shower, so obviously we have to go in my room. Well Bethany starts getting all pissy, cuz we're going in there while she's sleeping.
These are some of the things she said:

"OH MY GOD every time I finally fall asleep, one of you opens that door!"

Loud, obnoxious sighs and huffing.

"I swear to god, the next time one of you comes in here, I'm gonna punch you in the face."

"REALLY??"

Finally I was so fucking irritated with her, that I just didn't even wanna go in my own bedroom, which I realize now is completely ridiculous because she was being a total bitch. But I was looking forward to the party, and didn't want to get into it with her, because clearly she was cranky and needed a nap. Ugh.

Well the party went off without a hitch! It was a lot of fun, all my friends came, and we all got appropriately drunk and silly. It couldn't have gone more smoothly. Not to mention, everyone showed up with something, so now my fridge is stocked with enough beer and liquor to last me till the end of the summer. Lol.


Friday:
Bethany has taken up residence in my bedroom, forcing Carrie to sleep on the couch, even though I suggested they take turns. But I wasn't about to get in the middle of it. Well, on Tuesday, which is the day before Bethany got here, I discovered that I do not have central air in my apartment. I have a thermostat control thing on the wall, so I assumed I had AC, but apparently it's just for the heat. I just never realized it till Tuesday because the weather had been so nice so I hadn't needed to turn it on. Well a heat wave came through, of course, just in time for my friends coming and my party. And I didn't have $200 set aside to buy a window unit, and knowing the weather here, I figured it would just be a hot day or two, and we could ride it out. Well, Friday morning, I'm woken up to the sounds of Bethany bitching because it's so hot. She complains until I stand up on my bed and turn the fan up higher. Then I lay back down to sleep for at least another hour.
Then the fan starts making a clicking noise and Bethany says, "Um, I don't think I can deal with that."
So I say, "Well then you can fix it." And I roll over and go back to sleep. Or at least, I try. It was pretty hot in there. Bethany sighs audibly and stands up to turn the fan back down. Finally Carrie wakes up so we all get up. Bethany wants to go shopping, because she has to buy her boyfriend Cubs gear, blablabla annoying crap about her boyfriend blabla, I wanna go shopping blabla. Carrie and I don't really wanna go shopping, but we agree, because at least it gets us out of the house and doing something. So we shop. All. Goddamn. Day. I took them downtown because Carrie wanted to see the city, as she's never been here before. And I took them to the Hancock building, and up to the 96th floor, etc. And then Bethany wants to go in the Watertower mall, and shop some more. She chose only the most expensive boutiques, and Carrie and I were literally just sitting in benches waiting for her to try on outfit after outfit. It was like we were her handmaidens or something. And god knows how much money she spent... But Carrie and I get along really well and we're both goofy so we just entertained ourselves by being silly in between Bethany's appearances, "Do you think this skirt is long enough?"

Other quoteable Bethany quotes from the day:

"OMG I was looking through this rack of clothes for my size and this girl just came up right next to me and started looking through the same clothes! And I was like, 'Uh that's ok, I wasn't looking at that or anything!'"

"Do we have to walk there?"

"WHY is that chick staring at me!? WTF is her problem!? The people here are REALLY WEIRD."

"Why is it so cold?!"

"Why is it so hot?!"

"When you say it's close, like does that mean actually close??"


Finally, after a long day of walking, and shopping, and sightseeing, we head back to my side of town, exhausted and starving. So we decide to just do a nice relaxing dinner, and then maybe a nightcap if we're up to it. Because we're all too tired to do another crazy night of drinking. So I ask where they wanna eat, and Bethany says, "I want Italian!" So I suggest this place Abbie and I went to for brunch once. It's a great little restaurant. But Bethany insists on texting Carissa to ask her if she knows of any good places. Carissa suggested some place I'd never heard of, but I assured Bethany that the restaurant I suggested is awesome! So we end up going there, and surprisingly, Bethany loves it. Carrie and I suggest ordering a bottle of red wine, but no. Bethany only drinks white. So we get a bottle anyway just for the two of us. Hehe. Then Carissa comes, because Bethany invited her, and they spend the next hour talking amongst themselves and it's basically like just Carrie and I are out to dinner. Which was great!
So dinner is finally winding down, we're all stuffed and Carrie and I are just polishing off our bottle of wine, and we're contemplating dessert, when I notice someone standing behind me in my periph, and I turn around, and it's ALI!! SURPRISE!!
A pleasant surprise of course. :) Except that this means we're going out, and I'm so beat I feel like I'm gonna fall face first into my lasagna. But I'm determined to entertain, so we bar hop. And it was a pretty good night! We danced, we drank, we laughed, and Bethany stayed with Ali in her hotel. Which meant Carrie didn't have to sleep on the couch again. Even though it was still pretty hot in my apartment.

To Be Continued...

Pre Move Preparations

My apartment is almost done! I've been cleaning and painting and hanging things all day, and my back is killing me. Lol. But this is officially my birthday week! And my friends are coming in 2 days, and my party is in 4! I seriously can't wait. I've got a whole week off work, and I'm finally gonna get to really kick off my summer.
Today was the first real hot day of the summer, and Sophie and I went to the lake to lay out. I'm a little burned actually, which is quite unusual for me, as I tan really well, but my skin hasn't seen the sun in ages! And I may have overdone it on the tanning lotion... Oh well. I'm sure the redness will be gone by tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I don't really have much to write since all I've been doing is working and getting my new place in order, but I just wanted to drop a line and say thanks for hangin' in there! Just wait till next week, I'll have plenty to write about. TRUST ME.

First Day of Summer

Sorry it's been so long, but I did warn you guys that it might be difficult to post with finals and moving. But school is out as of Wednesday, and I've been in my new place for two weeks now! It's great. Cluttered, but great. I'm still working on unpacking, but I know everything will be ready in time for my house-warming/birthday party in a couple of weeks. I'm gonna start blogging regularly again, now that the insanity is over. So I'm just gonna try to briefly catch you guys up on everything that's been going on...

The move went smoothly, all things considered. Katie helped me paint the new place (a light, minty turquoise, which I love!) before I actually moved in. I have been trying to unpack a few boxes each day, but I feel like I just have so many projects to do! Shelves/curtains/pictures to hang. I've turned into quite the self-taught handyman. Lol. Sorta...
Anyway, Bethany and Carrie are both coming to visit for my birthday weekend!! I'm so excited. Taryn was supposed to come too, but apparently she has been taking a lot of trips lately so she couldn't afford to come. But Carrie and Bethany and I are definitely going to have a blast. I'm also going to be hosting a housewarming/birthday party while they're here. So that should be fun, plus it's a good goal for me to have as far as getting my place in tip-top shape.

Now onto the next topic: online dating. So far, it has been horrible. For one, it literally feels like a chore having to go through all these messages and filtering out everyone who so obviously doesn't meet my aforementioned requirements. Why bother messaging me if you live halfway across the country, when it clearly states in my profile that I don't want a long distance relationship!? Ugh... I've been on ONE whopping date. And that guy turned out to be a stalker. Literally. He will not stop texting me. I tried to let him down easy... After our first date, I realized that I was not attracted to him and we had no chemistry, but I was nice to him, because he was a nice guy. So I just sort of slowly decreased our interactions. Basically I took longer to respond to his texts until eventually I just didn't respond at all. Well this date we went on took place in mid-April. The last time I responded to one of his texts was on April 21, when I told him that I was too busy with finals and moving to go out with him. I figured he would get the hint eventually if I just stopped texting him, but clearly, he hasn't gotten it yet. I got another text message from him about 20 minutes ago (4am!!) asking me if I'm awake! WTF DUDE?! SERIOUSLY!? He has sent me now 10 messages over the last 2 weeks, all of which I have ignored and he still won't leave me alone. Thank god I've moved and he know longer knows where I live. (I allowed him to drive me home from our date.) Anyways, so I'm feeling very discouraged and frustrated with the online dating thing. I've decided it's definitely not for me, but I have like a month and a half left of my subscription, so I'm stuck with it for now. ((Sigh))

Anyway, when I got home a little bit ago, I was unpacking a small box full of old birthday cards and such, and I was reading through them when I found one from Brandon. It was a Valentine's Day card. He wrote, "I know at times it may seem like I don't care very much about things, but I just want you to know how special you are to me in my heart. Lots of love and smiles, Brandon."
And there was one of those little recorded voice things in it, and he said my nickname, just a silly pet name he'd given me, and then it started playing the song My Girl. It was really weird seeing that because I've finally developed enough distance and detachment that I'm not automatically filled with regret at the thought of Brandon. It wasn't a feeling of loss,it was just...emptiness. Not loneliness, but melancholy I guess. I don't know, I just feel...unfulfilled. Hungry. I mean, I want love so badly, but I just can't seem to find it. And there doesn't really seem to be anything I can do to help myself. ((Sigh))

Well, I should go to sleep. It's 4:24am and I'm meeting Sophie and Brent for brunch at 12:30. Tomorrow is my first official day of summer. No school and no work. And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.