Crazy Week Ahead

OMG! My schedule next week is literally insane. Check it out:

Monday:
2pm - NovaLash appt (I'll explain later)
5pm - photography client meeting

Tuesday:
4:30pm - Waxing appt
6pm - PACK!

Wednesday:
5pm - Tanning
6pm - PACK!

Thursday:
5pm - Nails
6pm - Finish packing, go to parents house, drop off dog

Friday:
6pm - GO TO MIAMI!!


And of course I'm also working my day job on all of those days... Ugh...
So, about the lash appt. A friend of a friend works for NovaLash, and they need models in a couple of weeks for some event, and they're offering free lashes in exchange for the modeling!! And I figured, PERFECT! I'll have nice long lashes for Miami, and they're FREE!! It's gonna be so cool! I have so much stuff to do next week, ahhh!!
Tomorrow I gotta go look for a dress. I'm kind of dreading that. And Sunday, I'm supposed to be spending the day with Cecilia and Presley. I miss her, and we're planning on going to the beach, if the weather permits. Obviously not to SWIM, but just to hang out and catch up. This weekend, I definitely need to start packing. I would do it today, but I'm so exhausted I know I'm gonna crash as soon as I get home from work! I stayed up wayyyy too late last night reading Dear John. Really good, but really depressing. I HATED the ending. It just made me cry! Ugh, I hate that. That's why I don't usually read Nicholas Sparks. His books always make me cry. But I saw the previews for Dear John and The Last Song, and they looked so good, I just bought the books. I've been reading maniacally lately. It calms my nerves, and takes my mind off things. I've been thinking a lot lately about stuff...i.e. Todd. ((sigh))

So Laura is going to the Superbowl. I mean I should have known. Did I mention I'm going alone to Miami?? Todd was only able to get me 1 ticket. I never called Law School either. The more I think about that whole situation, the more pissed off I get. I feel like I'm losing the small amount of patience I used to have. It's like my tolerance for people is completely gone! Ughhh... Well it's not like he's tried to contact me either. And after all this, any residual feelings I may have had for Law School are completely gone. In fact, I'm glad nothing happened between us, because he's...DUMB! Just...AHHH so frustrating! Sometimes I feel like I just wanna call him out, and tell him I know why he's acting so fucking lame, and to get over it. But whatever. I'm not gonna call him.
So anyways, I'm getting to Miami a day earlier than everybody else. Except Todd and his parents, and probably Laura. I'm going to be staying with my mom's cousin, Maria. But I'm kind of hoping maybe Pete will let me crash in his hotel room if we're all out super late. Cuz Maria lives about 30 minutes away from the stadium. We'll see... So I may be spending Friday night by myself, or with my 2nd cousin. Brenden, Andrew and Pete are all getting there Saturday. And Todd has curfew that night, but I'm sure the rest of us will go out. Then there's gonna be a huge tailgating party Sunday during the day. It's gonna be fun! I just hope I'll have enough money saved up! Hopefully the bars do good tonight and tomorrow!

Have To Know

Well I got several guesses about who Todd is on my last post. And I didn't make any of these comments public. Mainly because I don't want to give the people who aren't trying to guess any ideas, but I don't want the people who are guessing to think that by not posting their comments, I'm confirming their guess is correct. I'm not going to confirm, or deny anything.
But I am going to the Superbowl!! I'm so excited!!! I wish I could tell you guys more, and tell you who I'm rooting for, but I just can't risk it. All you need to know is, I'm super excited!! I've never been to Miami! I leave next Friday after work, and I'm coming back Tuesday. Todd called me last night, and was like, "Make sure you stay till at least Monday cuz there's gonna be a ridiculous party at the hotel after the game!"
And of course, I will be there! I asked him who else was going, and he said Brendan and Andrew will be there, along with his parents, and his brother, Pete. I love Pete! He's so much fun. And after years of buying him alcohol, he's finally 21 and can party with us! Todd didn't mention if Laura was going though, which I think is weird. Does that mean she's not going?? I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she is going for now, because...I mean why wouldn't she?? The only reason I can think of for her not going is that she's in nursing school, and they have clinicals and she can't miss class. And with the game being on a Sunday night, she would have to head back to Texas right after the game. So who knows?? We'll see I guess.
I really need to get some hot stuff to wear when I'm in Miami. What do people wear there? I don't wanna look ridiculously out of place. I mean, I know it's like a party town, and definitely a bit more glitzy than Houston, but they have the same weather as us, so most of the stuff I have should be fine. But I still wanna get at least one new dress. I'm gonna look today after work. I was supposed to hang out with Taryn, but then Bethany texted me at 1:30am, saying she took the night off so "we can do something!" and I've suddenly lost my urge to go out. Plus, I really need to save $. My Superbowl ticket costs 500 bucks. Not exactly loose change... So aside from a new dress, I don't wanna be frivolous with my money this week. Maybe I'll just make up some excuse about being too tired, or not feeling good or something. ((sigh)) I woke up late this morning, and I look like ass anyways, so it's not like I can meet Taryn for Happy Hour like we'd planned anyway. I would have to go home and shower, etc... And I just don't feel like it.

So for the past few days, I keep replaying this conversation in my head that Melissa and I had a couple weeks ago. We were eating breakfast in a cafe, the morning after Todd's playoff game, and we were talking about Todd, and she said, "Are you in love with him?"
And I just stared at her, and my throat constricted, and I...I didn't know what to say. It was weird, I mean my eyes even started to water, and I have NO IDEA why. But I had to collect my thoughts and myself before I could answer. And I avoided her eyes and gave her some nonchalant answer, like, "How can you know you're in love with someone you've never even kissed?"
But the way she looked at me it was like she already knew the answer to that question, she just wanted me to say it.
Sometimes Melissa is alarmingly perceptive. ((Sigh))

I don't know how to classify my feelings for Todd. They're just so...mixed up. I mean, I've known him practically my entire life. He's always been there. He's my best friend. I remember when he was in first grade, with huge glasses, buck teeth, and the highest singing voice in the children's church choir. And I remember in high school, when he was 5 feet tall, shorter than me! And scrawny, and dorky, and he was like this cute little kid that would follow me around. Not that I was anyone to be admired. I was just as big of a dork back then as he was.
But then he changed. We changed. He started to grow up, got his first girlfriend. And I was really happy for him. And I was engaged at the time, and the 4 of us would hang out together at his parents house, play pool, go swimming. Then I went away to school, became single again, he went away to school, started going out with Laura. I went through asshole after asshole, and every time I would go home for the holidays, and see Todd, and he was like a breath of fresh air. Same morals, same innocent, bright outlook. And I would talk to him about my latest guy, latest party, and ask him about his life. And he would tell me about his girlfriend, and talk about football. We could talk about anything, just like best friends do.
And then before I knew it, he was...he was this man! Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... The kind of man you look at and say to yourself, "As soon as I get over my bad boy phase, I'll find a guy like him. And we'll get married and have a family."
The kind of man that every girl's mother wishes she would marry. The kind of man that every girl's father respects and trusts. The kind of man who is selfless, and kind, and warm. The best kind of man. The best kind of friend.
And when I realized this, it was just so...sudden. I mean all those years I knew him, and I watched him grow into this man, but I just never thought...
Until it occurred to me one day, that he is everything I have always wanted. And yet, he's still all of those things that he was. Dorky, little, naive, scrawny, and admiring. He just grew up.
((Sigh))
Now that he's in the NFL it's almost harder. Because he has so many more things for people to covet. Fame and money... But I don't really care about those so much. I mean it's cool, don't get me wrong. But it's almost like an elephant in the room. The room, being our friendship. Because I feel like...like I don't want him to think I'm like that. I hope he knows. But even asking him for a Superbowl ticket, I feel kind of guilty. And if he and Laura do break up in the off season, what then???
If I pursue him, will he think I'm only doing it because of what he's become??
And what if I don't pursue him? Will I miss out on my chance?
What if he and Laura don't break up at all??

I just...I have to know. I have to know what this is. What I'm feeling. Am I in love with Todd??

I Got The Blues

Alyssa and Russ had an engagement party and didn't even invite me. I mean, wtf!?? I've been friends with both of them since they first got together. It's not enough that she excluded me from the wedding party, but now she's excluding me from her engagement party??
I'm really, really hurt. She hasn't even called, or Facebooked me or anything. I'm almost at the point where I just wanna be like, "Fuck it" and delete her phone number, delete her from my FB friends, just...completely write her off. Because that's obviously what she's done to me.
How can people be like that??
My mom says I depend too much on my friends, and I should rely more on my family. I'm starting to think she's right. I just don't get it. I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other, no matter what. But apparently, I'm the only one who views friendship that way. You really can't count on anyone these days. No one but yourself. And that's just plain sad.
I mean, I still count Cecilia as one of my best friends, even though we hardly ever see each other. But I still see her as being in my wedding, if I ever get married. And she says the same of me. I wish Cecilia and I could hang out more. I really miss her. But she lives like an hour away, and has a daughter, and I work so much... ((sigh)) I wish I could ask her to the Superbowl. But she wouldn't be able to go anyways... She recently got laid off at her job, so I doubt she has money to blow, and then of course there's her daughter. But she's the hugest Colts fan. Lol. Seriously. So I know it would be lots of fun if she came with me. Ahhh, wishful thinking... I already decided I'm gonna ask my Dad anyway. Which reminds me, after I talk to Todd tonight, I have to call Law School. Should I let him give me an answer first, or should I just tell him I'm taking my Dad before he even says anything? He's pissin' me off, seriously. Izzie says his reluctance is because he thinks I like him, like him, and he's afraid I'll assume, or expect things if he comes. FUCKIN' STUPID! OMG. Get over yourself. I wish I could tell him that. But it's not even worth it.

Things with Bethany and I are starting to get back to normal...sort of. I mean I'm getting over it. But I don't think things will ever be the same as they were between us, because I kind of feel like I've finally seen her true colors. And my opinions of her have sort of...warped. She's very selfish. And I don't like that.
But anyway, I think I was just fed up with her before, but now that she's over her drama, I can talk to her without getting so frustrated I wanna scream. We went to the movies last night, with Ali. We saw It's Complicated. I didn't really wanna see that movie, but it's the one Ali picked, and I actually really liked it! It was hilarious! The kids were horrible actors though. And Jim from The Office seemed like he was trying a little too hard. Poor guy. He will always just be Jim from The Office.

Speaking of The Office, I should probably get back to work. Any advise about Alyssa??

Resolutions

Well everything ended up working out fine with my bartending job. Here is my final draft that I sent to Mr. S. and Mr. P.:

I'm sending this email to you guys so that I can discuss something that may or may not have gone unnoticed. I enjoy working at [my bar] and believe that for the most part you guys take care of us and watch out for us in good intentions. However, I have requested not to work on Sundays because Sundays are my only day off to RELAX and do things that I really need take care of, that I'm not able to do during the week. However, I am scheduled for this Sunday at 2. I do realize that there are 2 specific games this weekend that will contribute to a busier than normal Sunday, and I will work, and not complain. I just hope that when scheduling was done, it was taken into account that some of us do work Monday morning and will need to be out at an earlier time prior to the games being completed.
Secondly, I would like to bring to your attention the fact that I would really like the opportunity to pick up a shift or 2 at one of the other bars. Mr. S., I have tried asking you about this several times, but you're always too busy, or I get brushed off, or completely ignored. Am I being punished for something?? Because it's starting to feel that way. I mean, look at the facts: Ali, Aaron, Brandon, Sierra and Taryn ALL pick up shifts at the other bars. And 2 of those people haven't even been working for this company as long as I have. I just don't get it. Maybe this has just never occurred to you before, so I'm bringing it to your attention. I mean, I work hard, I'm always on time, I don't no call/no show, which is more than I can say for a lot of people that are currently working at [-]. I understand that business is not as busy as in previous years, however I'm now back to getting 10pm shifts every Saturday. I know I have a day job now, but so do Ali and Aaron. And their shifts don't seem to be suffering.
I mean, obviously I want to work at [-], and I enjoy it; you all are like my second family. If that was not the case, I would have quit when I started this new job. And I don't know if you guys realized this, but I'm looking at working 65 hours this week, with NO day off.

Anyways, my whole point to this email is, I just kind of feel like I've been swept under the rug. And I just don't want to be filed away with those who are new and incapable. So if somebody could please give me some answers, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Peyton

Mr. P. wrote back almost immediately, and his response was exactly what I was hoping for. Here it is:


When you left those couple months, you lost all seniority! You are now bottom of the barrel, and we will continue to treat you like garbage, since you now work for [insert new job here]. Haha. I am of course kidding. Yes I will move you around on occasion. Kind of just forgot about it. The 10pm's are because we know you have a day job, and figured you wanted to keep this part-time, so the less hours the better. Thanks for working this Sunday, we need everyone, and don't worry, we will get the day job people out as soon as possible.

Anything Else Harry Potter?**

Thanks,
Mr. P

**Harry Potter is one of the many nicknames Mr. P. has given me. Lol. I don't think an explanation is necessary.
Anyways, he and I bantered back and forth via email for a while, but I'm glad I brought that to his attention, because next Saturday, I'm working at the Washington bar! Yay! Finally! It'll be a nice change of scenery! I just need to go over there sometime this week and familiarize myself with their computer system.

As for my day job, it's been reallllly busy! We have all these new projects to work on. And by we, I mean Veronica and I. So at least I have someone to help me! And just to clarify, I do my job here, and I do it well. I don't fuck around all day. It just seems that I manage my time a lot better than my boss does. He's inexperienced in his current position. I mean he's nice and everything he's just kind of...vague. I mean Veronica has only been here a couple weeks and she's already noticing it! He assigns us tasks, but doesn't fully explain what it is he wants done! So half the time we're just like....uhhhh...??? You know?? So when I made that comment in my last post about him asking me where were on a project, the reason I couldn't give him an adequate answer is because never told us we had to do anything else! He asked us to make a spreadsheet, we made it, then he never said anything else about it! So me and Veronica thought that was it!
Anyways, just thought I'd clarify.

And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for...
The Superbowl.
Not sure sure if I'm going yet, but I'm going to call Todd on my way home from work. I don't wanna count my chickens before they hatch, but things are looking up!! :D
That's all I can say for now.

As for Law School, I don't think I'm gonna take him if I do go. He's just too...wishy washy. I mean if he really wanted to go, he'd be all over it. And he's not. He's just...I dunno. I think I'm gonna take my Dad. Maybe. I mean I know he'd love to go, it's just....I'm gonna be partying, and staying out till all hours of the night, and what if I meet a guy or something??
So with all that going on, I don't wanna be sharing a hotel room with my DAD. And I can't really afford to get one by myself. There's still the option of staying with Reese and her boyfriend. But she hasn't said anything to me about it since that weekend, and I feel kind of awkward asking. I mean cuz I don't know her that well. But we'll see...

Well that's all I have time for today. Back to work!

Answers

I am so pissed off already and it's not even 9:30am yet!!
Last night, me, Ali, Taryn and Bethany went to see The Lovely Bones (I thought it was excellent!) and Ali and I got there first, so we were sitting and chatting. Ali is a teacher by day, bartender by night. And she was asking me if I was scheduled to work this Sunday.
"Probably not, I mean I haven't seen the schedule yet but, Sunday isn't on my availability. Plus, that would put me at like 65 hours this week."
"Well they scheduled me, and I'm pissed."
"Seriously?? They usually ask me first if they need me to work a shift I normally can't work."
"Yea, same here, but nobody asked me."
"Great...well I guess I really need to find out my schedule."

So when I got home, I texted one of my coworkers and asked him to text me my schedule. And this morning when I woke up, there it was: Friday @10, Saturday @10, Sunday @2.

WHAT!? SUNDAY AT 2?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??

That means, not only am I getting NO DAYS OFF this week, but I have to spend 6 hours working with Izzie on Saturday, then I have to bartend, and I'm gonna get home Saturday night at like...5:30am, and then I'm gonna have to get up 6 and a half hours later and go to work AGAIN. And since there's a playoff game at 6, I'll probably be there till AT LEAST halftime! Who knows how late I'll get stuck there on Sunday! And then I have to get up at 5:30am the next morning!!!

I am so livid right now. So much bullshit has been going on over there and it's like...they treat me like I'm a newbie or something. I am literally going to be working 13 straight days in a row with no day off. FUCK! That's 65 hours this week, and WHO KNOWS how many next week!!

So I'm thinking about this on my drive to work, and by the time I got here, I was pretty fucking pissed. So I start writing an email, to Mr. S and Mr. P. And as I'm typing this email, my boss comes over, and asks, "So where are we with the Florida sites?"
I immediately minimized my email, and gave him my full attention, of course.

"Well I reviewed the emails you sent me, but since we made that spreadsheet for you last week, we haven't really looked at them...I mean I've had a bunch of new requests come in this week that I've been working on."

"So where are we with the Florida sites??" He asks in a really smartass way, with a stupid smirk on his stupid unshaven face! Did I mention before that he grows facial hair like a 15 year old and he NEVER SHAVES! WTF??? If I was a dude, and my "beard" looked that retarded, I would never leave the house without shaving. Ugh.

So I say, "Well...what do you mean??" Because obviously the answer I gave him wasn't good enough. Again, WTF?!

And then he's like, "Well we need to get going on those."

WOW. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO SPECIFIC. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO NOW.
OMG I HATE HIM!!!

I know I complain about my job too much, and I should be thankful because millions of people don't have jobs, etc...but... I seriously need to get the FUCK out of here. I hate this job. I hate it. My boss is an idiot, and I'm underpaid and overqualified for this bullshit. Uuuugggghhhh!!!

Anyways, here's the email I wrote to my other bosses. I haven't sent it to them yet though. I forwarded it to Ali first so she could read it and give me her opinions. She says it's a little too direct and she's going to edit it for me. But here's the rough draft.

Ok, the reason I'm emailing you guys, is because it seems like this is the only way I can get a response out of you. I really would like to know why I'm not able to pick up shifts at the shot bar and the Washington bar. Mr. S, I've asked you this several times, but you're always either too busy, or I get a brush off or ignored. Am I being punished for something?? Cuz it sure seems like it.
I mean look at the facts: Ali, Aaron, Brandon, Taryn, and Sierra ALL pick up shifts at the other bars. And 2 of those people haven't even been working for this company as long as I have. I just don't get it. Maybe you guys haven't even put any thought into it at all, so I'm bringing it to your attention. I mean, I work hard, I'm always on time, I don't no call/no show, which is more than I can say for a lot of people that are currently working there. And now I'm back to getting 10pm shifts every Saturday. I know I have a day job now, but so do Ali and Aaron! And their shifts don't seem to be suffering. I mean, obviously I WANT to work for your guys, otherwise I would have quit when I started this new job. And I don't know if you guys realized this, but I'm looking at working 65 hours this week, with NO day off, since you scheduled me Sunday. Ali probably is too.
Anyways, my whole point to this email is, I just kind of feel like I've been swept under the rug. If I work hard and do my job the way I'm supposed to (which I DO), why are people who DON'T do those things, being rewarded, instead of me? I mean, I could sit here and give you a list of things you should probably know about a lot of your new bartenders. Most of them have no clue what they're doing, most of the time. But I don't care about that, I just don't want to be filed away with those people. So will somebody PLEASE give me some answers!

Thanks,
Peyton

As soon as Ali writes me back, I'm sending that email. After reading back through it, it probably is a little harsh. And I don't wanna come off as bitchy or confrontational. I just want answers.

C'est La Vie

You guys are kind of cracking me up, doing all this research to find out who Todd is. But let me just set something straight. I have taken a lot of measures to keep his identity secret. Changed dates, names etc... So even if you think you're sure you know what team he plays for, you're most likely wrong. And even if you DO figure it out, (which, you probably could, if you were really thorough) I will neither confirm, nor deny. I mean, think about it. The consequences of someone figuring out who Todd is could be catastrophic! It could get leaked to the press, or he could find out about it and read my blog, and read all the stuff I secretly think about him and his relationship with Laura, or Laura could read it and decide she really does hate me... I mean, it just...wouldn't be good. Plus, I just... I respect Todd, and I don't want to exploit him in any way. Sometimes I panic about this stuff, cuz I honestly never expected his team to be so good. I mean to say I didn't anticipate it would come all the way down to the Superbowl! And on the one hand, I think it would be so much easier, if I could just say what team he plays for, but then you would all somehow figure out which player he is, and some rude, inconsiderate anonymous person would post his picture, or something, and all hell would break loose. Todd is my best friend, ok? I don't want to put our friendship at stake because of a blog. I will stop blogging if this gets out. That's how seriously I'm taking this.

So, moving on!
I actually had a long phone conversation with Law School last night. Last week, we made a deal, that if he would let me come over and use his washer/dryer, I'd do his laundry for him too. Lol. So we had plans to do laundry last night. But he was still stuck at work at 7:30pm, and I was already in my PJ's, eating dinner. Around 10, I was in bed with a book, when he called.

"Peyton."

"Yyyyyes?"

"I'm so sorry I took so long. I just got home! We're trying to buy out this company, and it's just taking forever, and my boss told me I was gonna have to stay late."

"You're a workaholic, ya know that? I sure hope you like your job."

"I love my job! It's just...very time consuming."

"Well that's good. I wish I could say that same..."

We talked for about an hour. About work, personality tests, and football. Lol. Twas an interesting conversation! I told him how I almost asked him to go to the game with me this past weekend, and he just about ripped me a new one. Lol.

"Well you had mentioned you were gonna be busy all weekend, and I needed somebody to commit to the trip right then!" I defended myself.

"Well you still should have asked! I would have cleared my weekend for that!" He said.

"Hmm well sorry!"

Then he asked me if I was going to the game this weekend, and I explained to him how Todd offered, but that I needed to save my money and days off for the Superbowl, if they go.

"You're going to the Superbowl??" He asked, "How are you gonna get tickets for that!?"

"Todd, DUH." I said. "You wanna go?"

"Uh...YEA, that would be so fucking awesome. Free tickets?"

"No, half price. And my sister has first dibs, but now she's not sure if she's gonna be able to make it so...if you wanna go, you better start thinkin' about it."

"Well..how long do I have to think about this? Cuz seriously, that would be kickass."

"Well, if they win this weekend's game, I'm gonna buy a plane ticket to Miami ASAP."

"Hmmm...ok."

"But Sophie has first dibs!" I reminded him.

"Ok yea that's cool."

Our conversation was very relaxed, and normal. Just like it used to be. Which was quite a relief. And also why I blurted out "wanna go to the Superbowl?" Because if I had been overanalyzing everything he said, like I was doing last week, I never would have asked him. But at this point, we're back to just being friends, which really is a weight off my shoulders, cuz I don't have to worry about things being weird. And I think it would be pretty cool if he came to the Superbowl with me. I mean, no drama, that's for sure!
Speaking of drama, Bethany has finally noticed that I've stopped making any attempts to talk to her. And it's not like I've been giving her the cold shoulder or anything I just...got fed up. Ya know? I needed a break. But I finally talked to her yesterday, on my way home from work, and she asked me about my trip and everything. I still haven't told her how I've been feeling, but we're gonna try to get together for dinner soon, so I guess I'll bring it up then. I also had a Facebook comment from Summer saying "HEY! I MISS YOU!" when I got home. I wonder if she and Bethany had a conversation about me recently??

Izzie is coming into town this weekend, and she wants to get together for a meeting about the ad agency, and honestly, I really don't want to. I mean, I don't live in Austin, I don't know the market area there, and I really don't have anything to contribute to these conference calls and meetings! It just feels like a waste of my time! And that's just one more thing I have to do this week. One less day of relaxing, which if you recall, I only get like...1 and a half! ((Sigh)) And of course, I don't wanna tell Izzie any of these things, cuz she's my friend, and I don't wanna hurt her feelings, or make her feel like this whole business plan is a waste of time, it's just.... She seems to think this whole thing is just going to liftoff! Just with a snap of her fingers. And it's not. It's going to be a long time before we get a real client base and start making any profits. And she keeps talking about me moving to Austin and it's like...I can't just quit my job and uproot my whole life for something like that! I wouldn't do that unless A) it was a sure thing or B) I was really depressed and/or frustrated with my life and on impulse decided to pack everything and go.
And B is kind of the way I was feeling when Izzie and I first started discussing this business. I mean, Brandon and I had just broken up, I was lonely, and at a new job where I didn't know anybody, I mean... you know!
I'm not saying I don't wanna do the ad agency anymore, cuz I do! I just don't wanna make any sacrifices for it at this time, because I just don't think that would smart at this point. But...here I am, having a meeting with Izzie on my day off, and I know I'm just gonna wish I was sleeping. ((Sigh)) C'est la vie...

Weekend Win

Well once again, I had entirely too much fun this weekend! Melissa picked me up around 4am after I got off work. I slept most of the way, while she drove. We got there around mid morning, and did a little shopping. Melissa wanted to get a team shirt to wear. I got a really pretty necklace with the team's logo on it. I love it. Then we went to the hotel to meet up with Todd.
He and I went to the front desk together, since he had already reserved a block of rooms. Originally, Melissa and I were going to share a room with Todd and Laura, but 2 of Todd's friends from Miami ended up sharing their room, so we got a room all to ourselves! So we got our room keys, and headed upstiars to shower and nap. As we were walking down the hall, I noticed our room was at the very end of the hallway. Like, a corner room.

"Wow, this must be a really nice room!" I said.

We opened the door and found ourselves in a suite of some sort. It had 2 rooms inside of it!

"Why is there $5 on the table?" I said, as we walked in the door.

"Who's jacket is that?" Melissa pointed to the couch.

"Uhh...maybe we are sharing a room with somebody. Hello??" I called.

"Yes! Who's there??" Came a woman's voice from the bedroom.

"It's Peyton." I said.

"Don't come back here! Are you delivering the food?" The voice said.

"Uh...no..." Melissa said.

"Well don't come back here! I'm not dressed!" The woman shouted frantically. "Honey, put your clothes on!" She said to someone else.

Melissa and I exchanged confused looks.

"Are you with Todd's party?" I asked.

"No! Don't come any closer!"

Now we were really confused. Finally, a woman walked out of the bedroom. She looked a bit frazzled, and was tying the belt on her robe.

"Who are you!?" She asked accusingly.

"Well...this is our room...I think." I said.

"Noooo, I'm pretty sure it's not! This is our room!"

"Hmm...well they gave us these keys, and they opened this door..."

I showed her the envelope with the room number written on it.

"Well this is a mistake!" The woman said.

"We are so sorry!" Melissa looked mortified. "Well go downstairs and ask them."

We picked up our things and started to head towards the door.

"Oh, I am going to call the front desk right now!" The woman said haughtily.

She practically shooed us out of her room.

"We totally just walked in on them doing it!" Melissa said, her mouth agape.

I laughed.

"That is so weird. I can't believe they gave us the keys to someone else's room!"

So we went down to the front desk and I explained to them what happened, and how completely disgraced we both felt at having walked in on a naked couple! The woman at the desk was very apologetic and gave us a coupon for a free meal for 2 at the hotel restaurant. When we finally got to our actual room, which was not as big as the other one, but still nice, and with an amazing view, Melissa went straight to bed, and I got in the shower. After we were both rested and ready to go, we met up with Todd's family and friends in the lobby, and headed over to the game. It was awesome! I got to know all of Todd's friends, one of whom is a girl named Reese, who was super cool. She was funny and outgoing and sarcastic like me, so of course we got along great! She even offered to let me stay at her place in Miami if Todd's team makes it to the Superbowl! WOOHOO!
And of course they won, and then we went to dinner, and out for drinks afterwards, where we hung out with some of the players...it was ridiculous. Melissa actually went back to the hotel after dinner cuz she was so tired. But I was kind of relieved actually, because I figured she wouldn't be able to make it through the entire night, and I didn't want to have to leave early on her account. So I just went by myself. Todd and Laura and the couple staying with them left the club around 1am, cuz Todd had workouts in the morning, and then it was just me the guys! Eight of Todd's college friends came to watch the game. I already knew 2 of the guys, Brendan and Andrew, from when Melissa and I went to watch Todd's college ballgame.
And I had an interesting conversation with one of them about Todd and Laura. Obviously, it bothers me to see Todd and Laura together, but I never let it show. And as much as I like Todd, I respect him, and the fact that he's in a relationship, no matter how unmatched they are, and I would never do anything to disrupt that. But I was very observant of a lot of things.
First of all, Todd doesn't really seem that into her! I mean, she's all over him most of the time, and he reciprocates, but he never initiates. He didn't even sit with her at dinner! He just doesn't act like a crazy in love guy would act. And I've seen how sweet and affectionate Todd can be. But he's not that way with Laura. And then there's the fact that Laura's mother is certifiably insane! She was at the game too, and Todd's mom was cracking me up saying things like, "That woman is out of control! I don't even know why she's here! I didn't invite her!"
But really, she's crazy! She tries to act like one of the gang, always hanging out with the younger crowd, but she just comes off as a creepy, annoying hasbeen. And that is definitely not lost on Todd, or the rest of his family. Abd then there's the fact that Todd has decided to move back to Dallas for the offseason, instead of Houston, where his girlfriend lives!! I mean...why would he choose to live in another city, when he could just as easily be with her!? Something's just not adding up.
So anyways, I was talking to Todd's friend, Brendan, about it. Not about me liking Todd (I'd rather keep that info to myself as of right now), but just about how he doesn't seem that interested in Laura anymore. And Brendan agreed. He said he thinks Todd just doesn't know how to be alone, and that he'd rather just stay in a relationship and not deal with the drama of a breakup and risk his performance with the team. I had never thought about it like that before. So maybe he'll break up with her during the off season...?? Who knows. But I'm going to wait for him. As long as it takes.
Todd offered me tickets to next week's game as well, but I told him to give them to my parents. Cuz they reallly wanna go, and I really need to save money if they make it to the Superbowl. Reese was telling me how ridiculously expensive everything in Miami is! But I really hope they make it!! I wanna go so bad! Sophie's not sure she'll be able to go now, but I really hope she can. If she can't, I guess I'll just go solo! Oh well. I'm sure it will be a blast!

Just Can't Wait!

Ok, first of all, I did not make up this whole thing with my dog just so I could get close to Brandon again. That's fucking ridiculous. And I did finally talk to him, and he agreed to do it, and we had a 5 minute conversation, which ended on a good note. He's going to stop acting like an asshole and being so weird around me at work!
So that's the end of that. And I haven't really talked to him since. He did text me once, asking me to send him a picture of Jasper, and I did. The end.
So tonight, Melissa and I are leaving to go to Todd's game. I'm so excited!!! I really need this weekend away. The beginning of my week started out pretty horrible. On Tuesday, some guy hit my car AS I WAS TURNING INTO WORK!! Ugh... But it was his fault, so he has to pay for it. It sucks though, cuz I had to get a shitty rental car. Good thing Melissa's driving tonight, and not me! The other good news is, I ordered Todd's jersey online this past Sunday, and I was just hoping against hope that it would get here in time. And I just checked the tracking online, and the package got to Houston this morning!! So it looks like I'll be sporting Todd's number at the game tomorrow. WOOHOO!!
As far as guys go, at the moment, I have none. And at first, I was a little sad about it, but now, I just don't care! Gavin was recently spotted canoodling with his ex, and Law School and I haven't talked since last Thursday. So, oh well. I'm just not gonna worry about it, and I'm determined have a good time! At that shouldn't be too hard this weekend!
Work has been rather crappy lately, but Mary (the girl who sits next to me) and I have really hit it off. And I actually like the new girl too. Her name is Veronica. Us 3 girls have been gabbing it up during lunch, and sharing half gallons of ice cream. Haha. At this rate, I'm definitely gonna need to start exercising more! Oh well. My boss has kind of been pissing me off though. He always waits till the last minute when he needs to turn something in to his boss, to delegate something to me and Veronica, and when he hands me projects, he waits till like the very end of the day! And then he expects me to finish them before I leave!!! It's sooooooo annoying!
Today, Veronica and I were frantically working on this spreadsheet, which required lots of research, data collection, and cross referencing, while he stood over us, telling us to hurry. But he only gave us one hour to do it!! And I knew it was because he was supposed to turn it in to Sara at 10am. So then he just hands off our work to her, and says it's his. Ugh. Is that really the way bosses are supposed to be?? That just doesn't seem right, or fair. I mean, I know delegation is a major part of their job, but they could at least give us these assignments in a timely manner. ((Sigh)) Anyways, my lunch break is almost over, so I better get back to work.
I really can't wait for tomorrow!!!

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

Just Friends?

So yesterday, after work, my plan was to go home and put on my PJ's, and curl up on the couch, which I did. Melissa had been trying to convince me to meet her and some friends out at my bar to watch the championship game, but I was really tired, so I told her I was gonna have to pass. But then she texted me at 7:15, saying I needed to get up to there RIGHT NOW because Law School was there, sitting at their table. Mutual friends or something like that. Soooo... I went up there, against my better judgement. But of course, I acted like I didn't expect him to be there, and he did sneak up on me, so my surprise was actually pretty genuine.
So me and Law School hung out a little bit, and it was all cool, but then he kept talking to Melissa! And maybe I was just being paranoid, cuz he is extremely friendly, and he wasn't flirting with her or anything, but when I went to the bathroom and came back, he was talking to her. And then I got really upset, which I guess she could see in my face cuz she asked me about it.
And I said, "Well it looks like Law School is more interested in you than he is in me."
"WHAT!? He is not, he was asking me about you!" she said.
"What was he asking??" I said, suddenly intrigued.
"He asked me what you'd told me about him, and I just said I dunno, I heard you mention his name once or twice, and it was nice to put a face with them name. And then he asked me what I thought about you, and I told him I love you, and you're awesome, and funny, and like the smartest person I know, and you're my best friend!"
I inwardly sighed with relief, but still, I'm not necessarily sure all of that is 100% true. I mean, Melissa may have just been trying to make me feel better.
But anyways, she ended up leaving before I did, which left Law School and I alone (not counting the thousands of people in the bar) to talk for a minute. He asked what I was doing this weekend and I told him I was off Saturday night. Then he said he wasn't sure what he was gonna do yet, but to "give him a buzz".
And ok, I am so NOT going to "give him a buzz"! I already told him I was gonna be out Saturday; he can call me! Why does it always have to be my job to contact him??
I just still can't figure out how to read him. It's like...he's kind of touchy/feely/huggy with everyone, even guys! And he's realllllly outgoing with everyone, so I can't tell if his attentions are anything special.
Melissa thinks I should just ask him, but I told her I don't wanna seem desperate. ((Sigh)) I just don't know what to do. I mean, judging by his words alone, he seems genuinely interested, but judging by his actions alone, he seems genuinely not interested.And actions speak louder than words, right? So I'm just gonna assume he doesn't want anything more than a friendship, and hope things go back to normal. It kinda sucks, but the sting of rejection will wear off soon, it's not like we were ever together or anything. And I'll just try to keep myself occupied in other ways. Like, say...Gavin. Haha. I will most likely be seeing him at work tonight, and since I'm off tomorrow, maybe he and I will finally get that drink after hours...

The Wall

I've hit it. The Wall. In fact, I haven't just hit The Wall, I've broken through The Wall, and now I am indefinitely on the other side of it.
And I like it here.
No more drama.
I don't wanna deal with it.
I don't wanna hear about it.
I'm sick of giving out advice to people who don't listen, they just want to hear themselves talk.
I'm sick of trying to please everyone else.
I'm tired of always trying to be everyone's "Best Friend", when I can't really say the same for many of them.
So, I'm done.
They are out there, and I am in here.
And that's the end of that.

Last night after our extended family dinner, Todd and I went out for a couple drinks. I asked him about Laura. And he basically told me he's not even thinking about marriage! He's too young, and he won't know if he wants to marry Laura until he's ready to think about it. A smart approach too, if you ask me. And I asked him if ever thought about being single, or you know, wondered what he could be missing out on. And he said he thinks about it all the time. And that he knows if he was single, he'd be living the dream right now. So after our conversation, I'm sure of 2 things:

1) He definitely plans on being single sometime in the near future, at least before he plans on being married.
2) He's not sure he wants to marry Laura.

So I guess...I just have to keep waiting for the right moment. He did bring up and old pact we made, that if we turned 30 and still weren't married, we'd marry each other. Lol. I was pleasantly surprised he remembered that.
"Well then you don't have much time, Todd!" I said, "In 5 years, you're gonna have to tell Laura 'Sorry, I've got other obligations!'"
We laughed about that.
Then he invited me to another one of his games!! Two more free tickets!!! Which of course, I absolutely could not refuse! I had so much fun last time, I wouldn't miss it for the world!! So I definitely need to start saving all my money! It's not gonna be like last time with a free place to stay. Although I guess I could stay at Todd's place. But he lives outside the city, so that's not always safe when you're out drinking all night...
So anyway, I decided to bring my friend Amy. I don't think I've ever mentioned her name in my blog before, because she and I have never really hung out just the 2 of us before. I mean I know I've mentioned her, just never by name, cuz it wasn't really relevant. But I've known her for like 3 years, and I love her to death, and she's very down-to-earth. Plus, she's my age, and more mature than some of my other girlfriends. And of course she's dying to go, but there's a catch. She, of course, is a bartender too, and she's not sure yet if she'll be able to get off that weekend. But she said she'll tell me tomorrow night whether or not she can swing it. And if she can't go, I dunno who to invite! I mean...I'm definitely not bringing the same crew as last time. And definitely not bringing Melissa (remember the Dallas incident!??). I want somebody single, who I can have fun with, without any tears, fights, or other miscellaneous drama!
I thought about asking Misty, Mr. S.'s fiance, but she said she has to work that day. So...I dunno! Anybody have any ideas? I'm
starting think maybe I really should get some new friends...

After Todd dropped me off, I sent him a text that said, "Todd, promise me that no matter what happens, or who you marry, or who I marry, that we'll always be friends??"
And he said, "That is a promise... We will always be friends no matter what."
:)

So this Saturday, I'm off work. Mr. S. coerced me into picking up a Sunday football shift, and I agreed under the condition that he give me Saturday night off. And it's Ali's birthday weekend, so I'm gonna go out with her crew. And I'm hoping, just a little bit hoping, that I'll run into Law School that night. Izzie agreed that if I don't hear from him by this weekend, I'd probably be safe just sending him a friendly text saying I'll be out Saturday night, if he's out too, and wants to meet up somewhere. You know, very nonchalant and non-implicit. So..we'll see. Once I'm out, I'm usually pretty good about not texting boys, because I'm so busy having fun, and you know, living in the moment! Which is good. But we'll see what happens...

I may hang out with Todd again tonight. He doesn't have anything going on, but I'm still pretty tired from staying out too late with him last night! And we were only out till like midnight. But my brain just can't handle it anymore!! Lol. So we'll see. If we do make plans, I'm definitely gonna need a nap first!

By the way, aren't you guys glad I've been posting so frequently??

Stupid Sh*t

Todd is home! YAYY! Our families are going out to dinner tonight, for my Dad's birthday. It's gonna be so much fun! Family, friends, and Italian food! MMMMMM...
Lately it's like, I get so excited at the thought of even getting to talk to Todd. And some may speculate it's because he's suddenly pseudo famous, but really it's just because I have a huge crush on him, and he's so busy all the time now and he lives so far away that I never get to talk to him, let alone see him. Todd and I used to see each other all the time! Even when he was away at school. So I'm really looking forward to tonight. And I'm gonna ask him if he's planning to marry Laura. I mean, rumor has it that she was hoping for a ring this Christmas, but she obviously didn't get one. And I'm thinking, if he hasn't asked her by now, I don't think he's going to! I mean, it's not like Todd doesn't have the means to support her! And they've been together for a long time. I just, honestly, all feelings for him set aside, I don't think they're meant to be together. She just has too much baggage, and emotional issues, and Todd is just so...simple and nice and logical and...drama free! SO not like Laura. But I'm gonna ask him. And I know he'll be honest with me, I'm his best friend!
Anyway, we hired a new girl at work this week, who supposedly I am going to be "working closely with". She seems nice. But I noticed that she's young and pretty, and that's got me wondering if my boss only hires young, pretty girls. Cuz there's really not an abundant supply of them around here right now. But I think I'm the first person he hired. He hasn't been in his position very long.
Well maybe she'll turn out to be really cool, and we can be friends. She actually lives on my side of town! Unlike everyone else in the office. My commute is about 45 minutes a day. Ugh...

I've been so tired at work in the mornings the past couple of days. I think it's because I got used to staying up late and sleeping in after my 4 day weekend. Plus, the project I'm currently working on has me uploading stuff that takes forever! So I literally just have to sit here, and wait for it to upload, and try not to fall asleep. ((Sigh))

I still haven't heard from Law School and he's been back since Sunday. Another ((Sigh)). And I haven't really heard from Gavin this week either. In fact, I've been rather lonely.

Oh! And let me just get something off my chest real quick.

Bethany.

I've been pretty pissed at her lately. Because you know, it's like I go from weeks without hearing from her at all, she doesn't return my messages, and she never thanked me for getting her free tickets to Todd's game (which I was pretty pissed about after all the stupid drama she ignited). And then suddenly, she breaks up with Tugg and "needs" me, and expects me to just...drop everything for her because I'm "supposed to be her best friend". And I'm thinking, Oh, so I'm supposed to be your best friend, but you don't have to be mine?? How is that fair??

I mean she was so quick to replace me with Summer as soon as I got a new job! Ugh... And you can really only say the same things to someone so many times. She's called me at all hours of the night, all weekend, going on and on about the same shit, and asking me what I think, and I just keep telling her the same shit! She already knows what I think! They need to just be apart. REALLY apart! At least for a month, if not permanently, which is what I think they need. But she doesn't ever listen to me, so I dunno why she asks for my advice anyway.

Oh, and she got mad at me, because I left an encouraging message on Tugg's Facebook page. She actually had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't be saying nice things to him, because I'm her friend, and I'm supposed to be on her side! And I'm like, "WHAT!? That's crazy!" It's not like I went over to his house and let him cry on my shoulder or anything, it was just a stupid Facebook comment! And I asked her, if Summer broke up with Ben, would she just never speak to him again?? And of course she saw my point, but still. She's being ridiculously self-absorbed and silly. I like Tugg, regardless of their relationship status. And all she's done for the past 6 months is talk about how much she hates Tugg and can't stand him because of this and that, and how she wishes she was single, because she really likes Ben's cousin. Oh, and then there's the fact that she cheated on Tugg and slept with some guy she works with 2 months ago!! I'm just so sick of her bullshit drama! And the fact that she expects me to always be there for her, but she never seems to be there for me. Plus, she's been flirting with Todd on facebook! Everytime I leave him a comment saying "good game today" or something to that effect, she has to leave a message after me and like...one-up me or something! SO ANNOYING.

And Ali just told me that she and Tugg are trying to "date and work things out". And they went out on a date last night. OMG. If anyone can testify to how bad of an idea that is, it's me. You can't move backwards in a relationship. You can't unsay things, or undo things. And they've both said and done a lot of things to each other the last few days. And if they couldn't figure their shit out in the six years that they were together, they're sure as hell aren't going to now! Ugh...

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now, I just really needed to get that off my chest. And just so you all know, I haven't mentioned any of this to Bethany. I'm not completely insensitive, and I know she's dealing with a lot, and I'm not gonna add to it. I have tried to be there for her, and I've comforted her, and encouraged her, and all that crap. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

Ali's birthday party is this Sunday evening and both of them are going to be there, and I just have this really bad feeling that there's gonna be drama, and the night will end up being all about Bethany and Tugg, instead of Ali. And it's her birthday!

Man, I need a stiff drink. This is the longest day ever!! I can't wait till dinner tonight. I'm sure Todd would love to hear all about my Bethany drama. Haha, jk.

Water Under The Bridge

I appreciate everyone's advice and insight about Cali, but really...it's all just water under the bridge now. If you all remember, we never really had that spark anyways. I don't hate him for not telling me, it just kind of makes me second guess myself, because I knew there had to be something he wasn't telling me! The signs were there. You know, whenever I would ask him questions about his life, he would always turn the conversation around, and deflect my questions back to me. And I always felt like he knew so much more about me, than I knew about him. And that's just not fair. Plus, it just didn't seem feasible that an attractive 31-year old guy with a good job could still be on the market. So I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass for not thinking about that stuff. Oh, and let's not forget, I have dated a guy with a kid before, (Daniel!) and I was totally ok with it. Because I knew about her, going into the relationship.

But really, it doesn't matter, because Cali and I both agreed that things weren't really lifting off. He did send me a couple drunk text messages on New Year's Eve. They just said things like, "i'm soreryr Peyton. im an asshloe." I had to tell him to stop texting me. That was another thing that bothered me. His drinking habits/drunk text messaging. So juvenile! But whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe Cali and I can be friends later down the line, but you have to understand how this makes me feel, because...here I was spending all this time with this guy, against my gut instinct, trying to give him a chance and spilling my guts to him and...I totally put myself out there, and he didn't at all. That just...wasn't fair to me. So for now, I don't foresee us talking any time soon.

Last night at work was decent. It was the old crew working! Brandon was out of town (yay!) so I didn't have to work with him, and most of the newer bartenders were off. So we were kickin' it old school last night, and it was lots of fun. Ali and I got a little tipsy while doing inventory. Lol. And something I haven't mentioned yet... Gavin and I have been having some interesting text message conversations lately. Very flirtatious, very...enticing. Hehe. I anticipate a tryst finally culminating after years of sexual tension and bad timing. Lol.

The thing I've always liked about Gavin is that he's so humble. He's hot, but completely unaware of that, and he's funny, and very down to earth. And ever since we both got dumped, at about the same time, we've sort of bonded through our commiseration. Lol. So...I am interested to see where this is headed. Definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but maybe just a little fun.

Law School is coming home today too. I wonder if I'll hear from him? I'm supposed to hang out with Greg today. We both have off work, but right now I'm just sitting on my couch in my PJ's watching Todd's football game. I really miss Todd! Now that he's pseudo-famous and he's always so busy, we hardly ever get to talk anymore. Sucks... I talk to his little bro more than him now!

Well I made a sketch in Photoshop of my New Year's Eve dress! I got a pen touch pad for Christmas and it's awesome! So I just sketched this over an actual picture. Tell me what you think!

The Dime: 20twentyten10

So I was right to be pissed, because apparently his marriage wasn't the only thing he was keeping from me. This is the last email he sent me:

Peyton,

Thank you for the email. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm saddened by what I've done to make you believe I can't be trusted, or that everything you know about me is based on half truths. Here it is, my story...

I met Britney (my ex) 6 years ago while out with a bunch of friends in San Diego; she was our waitress at a restaurant/bar. She was finishing up school and I was fresh off a two month stint at sea (oil tanker). She was one of the coolest girls I had ever met...snowboarded, surfed, mountain biked, quoted funny movies, etc. However, what was lacking was a strong physical attraction, which I discredited as superficial and unimportant (I was wrong). We dated for three years and decided to get married in 2006. The key word there is "decided." Another lesson I had to learn the hard way. It was an ultimatum she had given me that I approached from a pros and cons standpoint, something I thought was logical and made sense; once again, not something I will ever do again. Our marriage, in fact our entire relationship, was based on a strong friendship, which is usually a good thing, as long as you're intimate as well. We were not. She was my best friend/sister, and that's how I treated her. To put things in perspective, in our three years of marriage we had sex probably a grand total of 20 times (and that's rounding up). About a year ago we had a son, and I decided to leave my life at sea and officially settle down. I took a job at [oil company's] headquarters in Houston, and we left our life in San Diego. The move to Texas was tough for both of us, but more so for her. I was traveling a lot and she felt isolated, away from family and friends. She started traveling back to California, for one month stints, and our relationship started to spiral out of control. I resented her for leaving all the time and she resented me for traveling and not taking all my vacation time. Then, while she was away in California for a month, I cheated on her.

Any excuse I give to why I did it or the circumstances under which it happened would only cheapen my deep remorse and sincerity for it ever happening. It was a cowardly and selfish act on my part and proved to be the final straw in our relationship. Do I think our marriage would have survived had I not done that? No. But I could have, and should have, handled it differently. The saddest part is that a child is involved; the sweetest, most precious, beautiful boy in the world has to suffer because of me. The divorce was very cordial, and I credit Britney with that. She could have handled it differently. We went to a mediator and had the papers drawn up...no court battles with attorneys, just a simple exchange of hands. She moved back to California and took our son and our dog with her. I fly to California as often as possible to see him.

There is a permanent tear in my heart because of what I've done and the hurt I have caused to both her and my son. I miss him immensely and love him with all my heart. When I was at your bar, the night I met you, I wasn't there to meet anyone, but I guess that's how it happens. I've learned so much about myself and what I need to do and how to act in order to have a healthy and loving relationship. That unfortunately was not the case when I met Brit, and most likely would not have been realized had I not gone through the pain I just went through (and caused).

That Peyton, is the weight in my back pack, and I'm so sorry you had to read about it in an email. It's emotional baggage that I am very ashamed of, and hard for me to share. But please believe me when I say I am doing everything I can to be a much better person, so that I never hurt anyone like this ever again. If I never hear from you again, I understand. I'm sorry.

[Cali]

That's touching and all, but kids are something you have to be up front about from the beginning. For some people, that's a major deal breaker, and you have to be fair, and honest about something that serious. Also, why would you want to keep your kid a secret? I mean, most people I know who have kids can't wait to talk about them! And I think that is just...weird. So, anyway, I doubt that I will be continuing to talk to Cali anymore after that revelation.

So, now onto New Year's Eve!

Well I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hungover! Lol. I had so much fun last night though! I got tons of compliments on my dress, and nobody had one even sort of like it! I got to hang out with all my friends, be carefree, and I even kissed a boy at midnight! His name was Ross and he was only 22, but very sweet. That is, until he got wasted and started following me around everywhere. At one point, he put his arm around my neck from behind me, and then proceeded to fall down, almost taking me with him. Everyone was going, "Omg are you ok??" Because he practically choked me in the process. But...oh well. I probably won't ever see him again. It was just one of those situations where everyone around us was kissing, and we both just looked at each other and kind of shrugged like, What the hell? ya know, and so we kissed. But it was innocent, and fun! And that was before he was wasted!

Also, I got a text from Law School last night! Here's our conversation...

LS: So the word on the street is that you look super sexy tonight.

Me: Word on the street, huh? Who told you that?

LS: Can't teelll you! But that is the word on the street.

Me: I think you're just making that up cuz you KNOW I look good!

LS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... love you too Peyton.

Me: lol, so how's it up North?

LS: It's been really good! I'm actually in Chicago right now...one of my best friends talked me into coming here for NYE.

Me: What!??! Lucky!

LS: Haha...I guess.

Me: I wanna go there soooo bad! My sister lives there now and I've never been.

LS: I love Chicago.

Me: I hate you.

LS: Love you too.

I didn't respond after that. And I do have to say, in Law School's defense, that he doesn't treat me like crap. He's my friend, and a good guy. And I actually know that. I'm not sure where things are headed with us, or even where they stand right now, but he'll be back in 2 days, and hopefully I'll be able to paint a clearer picture soon.

So after we left the bar, we all went back to Ben's house. By we, I mean me, Summer, and Bethany. Then Tug came over and Bethany dumped him. THAT was a bit dramatic... But it was a long time coming. They've been together for 6 years and she was tired of waiting for him. So we decided that when our leases are up, which happens to be next October for both of us, we're gonna move into a house together! I'm excited! I've been wanting to get a house, and have a yard for Jasper to play in, but there's no way I could afford it by myself. So it works out perfectly!

Well, it's back to watching movies and eating junkfood! The perfect medicine for a hangover! :)

Happy New Year everyone!!