I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 

I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."

Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))

Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 

So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 

I'm officially moving on.

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Am I Crazy, Or What?

First thing's first. I deleted Tinder. NO MORE TINDER. Ugh. Anyway...

Yesterday afternoon, after work, I met my friend Lauren at this bar cuz she wanted to watch the Broncos game. She was hoping this guy she likes would meet her there, but had a feeling he would cancel and she didn't wanna go alone. I wasn't really that interested in the game, but I had nothing else going on so I figured what the hell! We were 2 of only 4 people that were there at the time, lol, but Lauren knows all the bartenders that work there because she used to hang out there so much. So we hung out, watched the game, and had a couple beers. Right around the time the game ended, the bartenders had a shift change, and a new guy came on. Kevin. And he was HOT. 6'4", nice smile, beautiful creamed coffee skin. He's black, and I've never actually dated a black guy. Not because I haven't wanted to, I just...never have! Although there was that one brief makeout sesh I had with the DJ who worked at my bar in Chicago...lol. Anyway, shortly after he got there, Kevin gave us a round of shots. Then Lauren heard from her dude, and he was asking her to come over. So she wanted to leave! I begged to her to stay, because after taking that shot, I was in no fit state to drive, and of course, I didn't want her to leave me alone at this bar! But Kevin said he'd keep me company, so Lauren left and I stayed. I texted my roommate, Jenn, and told her to take the ferry over and meet us, hoping she could drive us home in my car. So Kevin gave me another shot and we chatted and hung out till Jenn arrived. The night went on basically like that for a while, and then Kevin starts talking about how his birthday is this week and he's going to Austin. And I was like, "Oh!  That's so awesome, I love Austin!" And he was like, "Yea, I've never been. You wanna come?" And I was like, "Uhhhh...what?" And I'm like really buzzed at this point, and of course Kevin and I have been flirting, but that was just very unexpected. Well then he says if I come with him, he'll buy my plane ticket. And Jenn is like "Just go! What else do you have going on?" And I'm like, "Well...let me check with my boss." So I texted him asking him what are the chances I could have a couple days off this weekend, and he said, "Do what you wanna do." 

So then Kevin comes back from the other end of the bar where he was helping people, and he's like, "Well, what did your boss say?" And I told him, and he was like, "Sweet, let's book it!" And he did!!

He bought me a plane ticket right then and there on his phone behind the bar. I still kinda can't believe it. Well then I went to bathroom, and I guess Jenn was talking to him about me, cuz when I came back, she told me he asked her all kinds of questions about me like, "Is she real? There has to be SOMETHING wrong with her! Why is she single?"

And she told him I don't hit the bar scene much, and I don't meet a lot of people cuz of my job, and that if he's just looking for a one night stand type thing, then he should look elsewhere. I'm SO glad she told him that too, cuz I am gonna be traveling and staying in a hotel with a guy I BARELY know, and I don't wanna hook up with him just to hook up with him. I wanna get to know him, and see if the chemistry we have could be more than just physical attraction. But she said he responded positively to that, and that he's not looking for just a hookup.

Throughout the night, Kevin kept taking my hands and holding them from across the bar, and randomly kissing me on the cheek. And he kept telling me my eyes were mesmerizing. 😍I don't do so well with compliments. I never know how to respond! I'm pretty sure I just blushed. But he was acting really into me, and I'm just not used to that I guess. It almost makes me uncomfortable.

After a while, Jenn got bored cuz she wasn't really drinking, since she had to be the D.D. (which she wasn't thrilled about. She kept saying I lured her there under false pretenses lol.) So I asked Kevin if we could close our tab, but he refused to let us pay for anything. Then he came out from behind the bar to hug me goodbye, and he kissed me! On the lips! Not like a makeout kiss, just a short, tender one, on the lips. It was nice! And he's sooooo tallllll I LOVE IT. Then he said he'd like to get together this week before we leave for Austin, which of course, I agreed was a good idea. So he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow night!

This morning, he even texted me, first thing: Good morning pretty lady. Happy Monday 😘

I'm still a little freaked out that I did something so impulsive. I mean it's great to be spontaneous, and I told myself I was gonna go out and do more things, but...I'm just so surprised at myself! He's like a complete stranger! If it wasn't for the fact that Lauren has known him for years, and she told me he's a really good guy, then I never would have agreed to it. But, everything happens for a reason, right?? I'll keep you posted on our date tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

The Worst Tinder Meetup EVER

So after work last night, I texted Ryan, the Tinder guy and told him I was heading over to the bar for the Harry Potter thing, and should be there around 9. He said he was hopping in the shower, and wouldn't get there till 9:30. So I got there first, found a seat at the bar, and ordered a drink. It was a small neighborhood bar, and already seemed pretty crowded, so I figured I was lucky to find a seat at all! I texted Ryan, told him I was sitting at the bar, and to text me when he got there.
About 30 minutes later, he showed up, introduced himself, ordered a drink, and we started talking. But the place was filling up fast, and people were crowding for a spot at the bar, so he said he was just gonna step aside to make room for some girls who were waiting in line. I figured he'd just step behind me, so I turned around in my chair so we could talk, but to my surprise, he'd walked about 10 feet away and was leaning up against a pillar on his phone. I shrugged and stayed in my seat, expecting him to come back when the area cleared. But it didn't, it just got more crowded, and I lost him! I sent him a text, and he told me he was waiting in line for a drink, but I didn't see him anywhere. Eventually we found each other, and decided to go out on the back patio so we could talk and have a little breathing room. So we sat out there for about 15 minutes, mostly just talking about our dogs. He basically told me he hates goldendoodles, because his old roommate had one, and he thinks they shed too much. ((Eye roll)). Well then we went back inside, and I told him I was gonna grab another drink at the bar. He told me he had a tab open, and to order my drink on him. So I waited and waited and waited, while like 6 people who showed up after me got served ahead of me. But this place was clearly not prepared for that night. There were only 2 bartenders, and it was obvious that neither of them were used to that kind of high volume. So I waited, patiently. When the bartender finally got to me, I asked if I could buy him a shot. He said he appreciated it, but he was too busy, so I just ordered myself a drink, and he told me it was on the house. Sweet! So I tipped him generously, then went back to find Ryan, which took like another 15 minutes, and he was chatting it up with some chick! I hung back and watched for a minute, because I didn't wanna walk up on an awkward situation. Then he walked over to the bar with, hand on her lower back, and proceeded to buy her a drink. That was when I decided it was probably time for me to go. Clearly, this guy was not interested in getting to know me, and would rather troll for ass, which is NOT what I was there for. I just wanted somebody to go with me to this Harry Potter party! I didn't even finish my drink, I just set it down on a table, and left. I texted a few friends, hoping there was somebody out that I could meet up with, because it was only like 10:30, but no luck. So I ended up going to another bar, by myself. ((Sigh)) Here's hoping this doesn't become the trend of 2016. I had one drink at that bar, which I also didn't finish, before deciding to just give up and call it a night. So I went home, feeling rather discouraged, and like a huge loser for just sitting at high top table in the corner by myself. It was 12:30 when I got home. I hung out with the roommate for about 30 minutes, and then got in bed. That was when this stupid conversation happened...

Whatintheactualfuck. I mean WOW. Just...wow. I didn't think douchebags like that actually existed in real life, but apparently they do, and they always manage to find me. He also immediately unmatched me from Tinder and blocked me on Facebook. LOL. I did actually LOL after that conversation. Hysterically. Partly because I've never encountered anyone so stupid, and partly out of complete disbelief. ((Sigh)) I wasn't even romantically interested in this guy! He is NOT my type. I could tell that immediately after texting with him for the first time cuz he kept trying to get me to go to his house. I was just hoping to make some new friends. But this is what's out there, girls. This is the SHIT PILE we single people have to sift through on a daily fucking basis. THIS is why sometimes I just wanna give up, move to a deserted island and get fat. Because whythefuck not??

Mission Accomplished

Well I finally talked to my roommate last night about that gross guy. I called her into my room cuz I was dying of boredom, and I just said, very casually, “Soooo what’s the deal with you and that guy that was over here on Monday?”

She said, “I don’t remember anything that happened after talking to you in the kitchen that night. I lost like 12 hours. I just woke up the next morning and I had bruises and stuff all over me. I don’t know if he slipped me something, or if I took something willingly…I just don’t remember anything.“

And I was like, "So you don't remember sleeping with him?"

And she said no, she just woke up and there he was in bed with her. She also said she went to the doctor the next morning to get checked for STD’s and get the morning after pill, which is smart. I can tell she feels embarrassed/guilty about it. And she asked me to please not mention it to her boyfriend. I told her I wouldn’t. I’m just glad there’s not an elephant in the room with us anymore. I asked her if she ever planned to talk to that guy again and she gave me a very firm NO. So that’s good. And no harm done between us.

Anyway, I’m in between assignments right now so I had a little free time, but after work I’m meeting a Tinder guy, (just as friends!) and we’re gonna go to a Harry Potter theme night at this bar. Lol. I’m really looking forward to it! Lane texted me earlier, just about nothing, some music he’s been listening to. I didn’t respond. I just can’t with him right now. Every time I get in bed at night, and close my eyes I see his face and wish that when I opened my eyes, he would be there. And when I can’t sleep (which is often these days), it’s all I can do to NOT text him. We always used to text late at night. ((Sigh))
Going out and doing things is helping though. I don’t wanna spend another year living like a hermit. Wish me luck!

Three's Company

Well, my roommate basically avoided me for a couple days, but things appear to be back to normal now. I haven't said anything to her. Initially, just because I didn't have the opportunity, and now I feel like it's passed the point of relevancy, where if I do say something, she'll think I've just been sitting on it, ya know? But this weekend, she is going away to some ranch with her boyfriend! ((Sigh)) I see all sides of this, and I equally agree and disagree with all your comments. I've gotten lots of advice from different people, and no one has said the same thing.
On the one hand, it is my house, and I'm not ok with stuff like that going on around here, and I do think it's worth mentioning that I know what she did and she should take responsibility for it. And it's going to be really awkward the next time her boyfriend comes over for the weekend! And I do believe, in the words of Janis Ian, "There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it." Well obviously it's too late for me to stop it, but maybe it is worth it to let her know my feelings on the subject.
On the other hand, it isn't my business and I don't want to get in the middle of it. I don't expect her boyfriend to come out and ask me if she's been cheating, I doubt he has any inkling of that. But it will be hard for me to look him in the eye, that's for sure. But since she is my roommate, and things are going so well with us cohabitating, I don't wanna screw that up. She's moving out at the end of August, so I still have quite a bit of time to live with her and I don't want that time to be miserable. I'll keep you all posted. If there is an opportunity to talk to her about it, I'll take it. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay out of it.
As far as things with Lane, I'm feeling better about the situation already. I haven't been texting him, and he hasn't really been texting me, so out of sight, out of mind. I do still get sad about it sometimes, but...I do think it is for the best. There has to be someone out there who lives closer to me and is looking for a relationship. Right? RIGHT???

What Would You Do?

Yesterday morningish, my roommate told me she was going to meet a friend for lunch in the quarter. It's rare that she ever leaves the house, because she works from home and she is such a homebody she is rarely seen not in sweats or PJ's. But I was like, "Ok, have fun!" and then I left for work shortly afterwards.

Well later that afternoon, when I was on my way home from work, she texted me that she was on her way home from lunch, pretty buzzed, and bringing company. I didn't really think much of it, and went about my business. Well they came home a short time later, and I was in my room, editing photos and watching TV, so I didn't go out and introduce myself right away. Plus, they seemed a bit drunk, and I just wasn't in the mood. But eventually, I had to leave my bedroom, and they were both in the kitchen pouring wine. So Jenn says, "Hey, Peyton, this is my friend from high school, Steve. Steve, this is my roommate, Peyton." Steve looks like Kevin from The Office. Fat, bald, and stupid. Except instead of being sweet and harmless, he seemed really trashy.

Then Jenn tells me that they haven't seen each other in about 8 years, and have been catching up and drinking all day (which was obvious), and how she's never sure if she should tell people he was ahead of her in high school, or behind her, because he repeated 2 grades. ((eye roll))

Well I exchanged all the necessary pleasantries, got my glass of water, and retreated back to my bedroom. A couple hours later, they were still carousing and drinking and smoking in the backyard, which Jenn is pretty much always doing, so I wasn't paying them any mind. Then I started chatting with this guy on Tinder and we were talking about meeting out later, so I hopped in the shower and started getting ready. After I got dressed, I headed back into the bathroom to fix my hair, and I heard a loud crash from the back yard. Both of our bathrooms are in the very back of the house, with windows looking out onto the garage/porch/backyard area. It's pretty small. So I go to look out the window to see what had happened, and Jenn and Steve are butt ass naked, fucking on the patio furniture!! Jenn, I might add, has a boyfriend of 5 years, who stays here every other weekend, and is sooo nice and helpful, and is always fixing stuff for us around the house. He even installed a new alternator in my old car for me, FOR FREE! So here I am, witnessing her cheating on this awesome guy (who is way hotter than she is, btw), with this DISGUSTING fat man, and I was just so in shock I didn't know what to do! I just had to get out of there. So I finished getting ready as quickly as possible, without even having fully confirmed plans with Tinder guy, and I just left. I ended up going to a small hotel bar I like, by myself, because I hadn't heard from Tinder guy in a while. I texted Bethany, and Lauren, and my cousin, Noelle, but none of them could hang out. So it was just me! Alone at this bar. But I actually ended up making a new friend, which was cool. His name is Mason, and he was sitting next to me at the bar with some friends, but he just started talking to me, and we ended up talking till midnight when the bar closed. Then he invited me to join him and 2 of his friends at another bar. So I went with them, we had another round, talked some more, and then I dropped Mason off at his car and went home. The great thing about it is, I wasn't interested in him sexually (he's only 22), I wasn't looking for anything except some people to talk to! And that's exactly what I got. And it was fun. He also happens to work in the same industry as me, he's a videographer. So we had a lot to talk about. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and perhaps we'll hang out again sometime. Who knows! I got home around 2:30 am, and Jenn and that dude were in her room, sleeping. Ugh. I think he's still here now actually. She hasn't shown her face all day. They've just been holed up in her bedroom. I don't know what to do about this. There is no way I will actively keep that secret for her. I won't even be able to look her boyfriend in the eye! She has to tell him. That is just so fucked up. I mean, they're planning to move in together when her lease here is up! That's this year! And she just cheated on him big time with some trashy fat guy! I don't get it AT ALL. Wtf is wrong with people?? What do I do?? I want to tell him, but obviously I can't, because I live with Jenn and that would make things really awkward between us, and of course, it's none of my business. I don't wanna be in the middle of their drama. But I won't lie for her. I won't.

What would you do?

Goodbye California

I had a talk with one of my guy friends last night about Lane. I explained everything to him, showed him our texts, and he said I should move on. Clearly he likes me, but he was just here to have a nice weekend, and he most likely knows how I feel (my friend says guys DO pick up on things like that, I'm not so sure though...), but he's choosing to ignore it, either because he's not interested in a relationship, or because he doesn't think a relationship is plausible, or both.
As tough as that was to hear, I think he's right. The distance I've been feeling between us lately...it just adds up. ((Sigh)) It sucks, and I'm sad and disappointed, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to move to California! I love it here. And who knows, maybe when he turns 30, things will turn around. He may come out of the woodwork again in a few years. Assuming I'm still available. Ha! I probably will be, considering my track record.
I do want to maintain the friendship, I mean I really love him as a person! But I'm going to call it quits with the texting for a while. I just need time to get over it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. I don't wanna be lonely and depressed all the time. It sucks. But what a lot of people don't understand is, depression and anxiety are illnesses. They affect the body in PHYSICAL ways as well as emotional. You can't compare it to "that one time you were really sad/anxious about ____". It never really goes away. It's just something I have to learn to live with and manage. And I'm still trying to figure that out. But these kinds of situations are really difficult for me. I know it's hard for anyone to put themself out there, or have their heart broken, but anytime I start to have feelings for someone, my immediate gut reaction is fear. Fear of the downward spiral that will follow when that person disappoints me. God...I think about Brandon and how long it took me to get over him, and at the time, I was undiagnosed. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time! I mean, I was in love with him, sure, so that made it harder. But I just wonder how I might have handled that differently if I had known what I was really dealing with.
Anyway, sorry if I'm seem really whiny on the blog lately, but I have to get it out somewhere!

I just don't know...

I don't know what's going on anymore. We had a conversation the other day that left me feeling really weird... We were talking about our careers and futures, and I could tell he was having kind of a bad day. Feeling stuck in a rut because his day job is boring, and he wants to do more of what he loves, and work more towards his goals, but he needs the money/financial stability from his day job. So anyway, I could just tell he was feeling a little down, so I sent him a sexy pic. Implied nude, very classy. And this was his response, and the conversation that followed...

So obviously, not very encouraging. :/ I didn't text him again after that, but he did include me in some group email about the Golden Globes. We didn't talk for 2 days after that, until last night when he texted me. I was so shocked at first after not talking to him for 2 days that I freaked out a little lol. Then I waited a bit for responding. We had previously talked about the 16 personalities and what ours are, just for reference. Here is that convo...

That was it. I didn't text him back after that. Notice how I dropped that hint about planning trips? A perfect opportunity for him to suggest coming to California and he didn't. ((Sigh)) I just get the feeling he's trying to distance himself from me. I don't know if it's because I had sex with him and he got what he wanted and that's it, or if it's because he thinks it's the logical thing to do since we live so far apart, or if it's because he thinks I'm more into him than he is into me and he wants to discourage me. I just DON'T KNOW. I'm not feeling as depressed as I was before about it, I'm feeling a bit better, but still sad. He's just so...wonderful and smart, and funny, and he makes me feel sexy, and confident when I'm with him. Like, I don't feel insecure, or awkward, or self-conscious, or worry if he likes me. I just feel happy!

I Have a Plan

Things are starting to feel more normal for me. Partly because I'm back on my anxiety meds, which I stopped taking when Lane was here because of all the boozing we were doing, and partly because the sun is out and shining again. We had several weeks of dreary, rainy weather, and I think I suffer a bit from seasonal depression. So sunshine helps. But mainly, I think it's because things seem back to normal with Lane and I. We are talking regularly again, just like we used to. So yes, I was probably just doing what I always do and overanalyzing/overreacting.
But I've also done a lot of thinking. I started asking myself those hard questions some of you mentioned. Why am I unhappy? What do I think would make me happy? How do I go about doing the things that will make me happy?
A lot of that revolved around Lane, but a lot of it revolves around just me, obviously. I feel stuck. Like I haven't accomplished much in the last year, which is rubbish really, because I know that I have accomplished a lot photography-wise. But it isn't enough. I want to be better. I want to be more desireable to a company. And of course, I need to be more stable financially. I don't want to pull away from things due to fear. I talked with Izzie a lot about the Lane situation too, and we got way ahead of ourselves of course, but she said that's important for women to do. To think way ahead. And maybe she's right! Who knows. What I do know is that my plan is to try to go to visit Lane in March, around Spring Break cuz he should have time off from the university he works at. And if things are still going well at that point between us and we haven't lost touch, and all the chemistry and feelings are still there, then I will talk to him about dating/living in the same city. And see what he says.
I was freaking out about the idea before because initially it was like, Well I have to tell him how I feel, and see if he's into it. And then we'd have to get over the obstacle of living in different states. And that got me thinking about moving to California and how expensive it is and, What would I do there? And how would I afford to move? And where would I live? Etc. etc... And those questions were just swimming around and around in my head, and I kept checking myself like, WHY are you even worrying about this?! This is all conjecture! But then I thought, You know what, I wanna know if I can do this. I'm gonna do some research. So I did! And I can do it. I know a guy in the photo circuit there who could put me in touch with some publications, and in the meantime, there are tons of well-paying real estate photo gigs. I have plenty of experience in that. And I could always bartend until I got on my feet. There's also a couple affordable neighborhoods right outside of LA, I'd just need a roommate or 2. No big deal. The biggest obstacle, I think, would be finding a place that allows both my pets. But it's doable.
So I have a plan. Sort of. And step one of that plan is to just play it cool with Lane, not say anything to him just yet about my feelings, just...maintain the relationship, see if it grows, and plan a visit.
We've been talking the past 2 days about our respective futures, career-wise. And both of us feel kinda stuck in a rut, and we've been commiserating/offering each other advice. And we both agree that we need to step out of our comfort zones a bit, and not be afraid to make big/strange/uncomfortable life moves. And for me, that could mean going to California, who knows! I know he's mostly concerned with his career, but I know what I wanna do. That isn't the thing that's missing in my life. But at least after that conversation, maybe the idea of me moving there won't come as a huge shock to him should I suggest it.

Lovesick

I'm still waffling about what to do about Lane. So far, I haven't done anything really, but I already have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like he's pulling away from me. He hasn't been as engaged via text as he usually is. He takes a while to respond, and doesn't really seem chatty. So I've just been playing it cool. I don't really have a point to this post, other than I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't know what else to do about it.

Reflections...

I just slept for 20.5 hours. I woke up last night for like 1 hour, wrote my last post and attempted to watch TV, but instead I just cried fell back asleep. I think I woke up and cried maybe 2 more times, and just now I got out of bed for the first time. ((Sigh)) I'm depressed. Or I'm recovering from a 3 day bender and maybe I'll snap out of it? Ugh, that's definitely wishful thinking. I know I need to talk to Lane. I have to. But maybe I just cool it for a while with him and see what happens. Or maybe I text him tomorrow and tell him he forgot something at my house and he when he asks what, I tell him he forgot me. Lol. I've already looked at plane tickets to LA for the end of this month, and I can definitely afford to buy one. Just for a weekend. But is it too soon to talk about going there for a visit? It wouldn't be the same as him coming here, because I don't know anyone else in LA. He has a cousin and a good friend who live here, so we didn't spend every waking moment together during this trip. There was time apart, which was kind of nice, cuz I could shower and get ready and sleep and whatever while he did his own thing.
Things keep coming back to me that he said. Like on NYE, we went out with a group, my friends and him and his cousin, to one of those all-inclusive things. But it ended at 1, so we went to a dive bar after that, and in the end, it was just Lane and I left. And he brought up the first time we dated, in Chicago. And he said, "You know, when we were hanging out back then, and you said I started to get weird, and we quit talking, I was just a kid then. I mean I was 22. I had just gotten out of college, and been dumped by this girl like a month before I met you. So really I was just a kid."
And it's true, and partly I knew that and partly I didn't, but why did he bring that up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's 26 now, and I'm 31. And while it doesn't feel like a huge gap, in some ways, it is, because I can't really see how a 26 year old person could have had enough experiences to know when something is really REAL. And I feel like it's real with him. I've dated a lot of douche bags, mostly for shallow reasons, and yea they were hot, but we never had much in common intellectually, or personality-wise, and of course none of them worked out in the end. And now I've been single for so long, and tried to focus on me, and what I want, and it's changed me as a person. It's changed the way I look at dating, and relationships, and even marriage.
He also said something to me about that in the same conversation. I can't remember exactly what, just that he said he's noticed how people in our age range tend to get into relationships and even if they're unhappy, or uncertain, they feel like marriage/kids/whatever is what they're SUPPOSED to do, so they do it. And he said I'm different in that way, and he likes and respects that. Ugh, I just feel like we understand each other on a level that I've never felt before. We connect. But I don't know if it's possible for him to be where I'm at. I don't know if he's ready for a serious commitment.
I'm willing to entertain the idea of pursuing this with him, despite all the odds, because I think it's worth it. I know it would be difficult, impossibly so maybe, and it could end badly, but I still think if we don't try, I would regret it. And I wish so badly I could tell him all this, but since we have basically avoided any talk of feelings whatsoever, I'm worried he might think it's all completely out of left field and be overwhelmed and run.
So do I say nothing yet, and let it all sink in for him a bit? Do I go visit him and we have another great weekend? And then maybe he starts coming round to the idea on his own?
Or do I bit the bullet and bring it up on the phone this week, and just hope he's open to the idea. Because if he's not, it's over. All of it. The thrice weekly FaceTime calls, the texting, and the amazing conversation, the feeling of having a kindred spirit that's a friendship with the possibility of more. All of it will be gone. And I will be devastated.

Happy New Year...I Hope

The past few days were a total whirlwind...of fun, of romance, of a happiness and satisfaction I had almost forgotten I could even feel. And even though I know I should feel grateful and happy about that experience, all I feel now is the most profound sense of loss and sadness because that time is over now, and he's gone. It was just so wonderful to feel a part of something that wasn't just me. To be not alone. But having experienced that after so long, has just made my sense of loneliness now even more acute. I just feel so full of all the things I wish I had done or said. And I'm worried that I may always wonder what could have been. A part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks I might be in love with him, but that's too terrifying to admit, and the fact that I don't really know how he feels about me, just makes everything all the more confusing. The truth is, that despite the odds, and the distance between us, in age and geography, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. At least to give it a shot. I was uncertain of that before, but now I know. I'm just so scared to tell him how I feel, because I know that in taking that plunge, I have to be prepared to hear the response I don't want. And that would break my heart. And for the sake of myself, I'd have to take a huge step back from all this. Maybe not talk to him at all, which would be nearly impossible, and also could mean would I be losing a great friendship.
I feel so stupid and naive, because I knew this would likely not end well. It's dangerous to look forward to something so much, knowing it's only fleeting. I knew that I should keep my feelings out of it, but I couldn't do that, and this is all on me. I'm such a fool.
Sophie says I should talk to him. I talked with her about it this morning, as I was crying on my way home from dropping Lane at the airport. She said, "Well, you can see a way that it would work and you obviously want that, so you should tell him. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be in this limbo because you're afraid of not getting what you want so you're willing to settle for whatever he's willing to give. And investing a lot into it and then feeling this way. You can speculate all you want, but you won't know anything real unless you talk to him."

I know she's right, I have to talk to him. But he's actually in the air right now, and I think I'm gonna give it a couple days. Neither of us had much sleep in the last 3 days, and there was a lot of alcohol and sex happening, which can leave anyone feeling pretty raw. Like coming down from a 3 day high. It's rough. And I don't think I'm capable of keeping my emotions in check right now, since all I've been doing is intermittently crying and sleeping all day.
I'm worried for myself about what this could possibly do to me. When did I become such a fragile person, that 3 days with one guy could transform me from a relatively stable, not necessarily happy, but...comfortable just being single person, to a total love-sick train wreck?