It Could Be Worse

Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...

I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf

I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware

I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known

Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt

I should have known.

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I Guess This Is How It Ends

Brazil:

Listen,

I dont know who told you that, and Im not gonna kill myself trying to find out. that person is either misinformed or is trying something with you. Anyway, did I talk to stephanie recently? yes. Do I still have feelings for her? yes.

I have nothing but respect towards you, and I would never do something to hurt you purposely Peyton. Im not that much of an ass hole. If I wanted to, id have never mentioned the name of stepahnie, but i was always trying to keep you updated of what's going on, being honest.

It kills me you're hurting now because of me, it really does.You are a great girl, with a big heart You might not believe a single word im saying here, but i was really trying to make things work with you, and I really enjoyed alll the times we were together. I never meant to cause you pain, and i hate that everything is ending like this. I am a mess now, obviously not ready to start dating anyone, and I am sorry i frustrated you and made you waste your time. I was trying to make something work with someone new, and did not allow myself sometime to digest what happened in my last relationship.

I just want you to know I am very sad and bummed too, It was never my intention to hurt you...

I hope someday you'll forgive me, and maybe could be my friend. I understand if you dont.



Me:

((Sigh)) Ok, let me start by saying that I'm not mad anymore. And I don't want to scare you off or put you on the defensive, I just want to talk to you. I don't want to argue with you, or go back and forth about this, but just to clarify I am not mad at you for mentioning Stephanie to me. I am upset, because you were not completely honest with me about what was really going on between you and her. I thought I made it pretty clear how nervous it made me to be seeing you, full well knowing you were still hung up on her. That put me in a really horrible position because my feelings for you were getting stronger, and yet there was this constant nagging possibility of you just jumping ship to get back with Stephanie. But you told me that there was no chance you would get back together with her, because you knew she would treat you the same way again. And I took your word for it, because I had no reason not to. When Valentine's Day came and went and I didn't hear anything from you, I wasn't upset that you didn't text me or call me to wish me happy Vday, but I definitely did think about you, and I definitely did wonder if you would be thinking about her, or talking to her or seeing her. I guess it's my fault for being so naive.
I haven't been misinformed about anything, and to be honest, I'm not mad at you. I'm just really hurt, and really disappointed. I know you keep saying that you weren't using me, but the truth is that you were. Whether or not you realized or intended it, you were using me as an emotional resting place, a warm body to fill your time, and your bed, while you tried to work everything out in your head.
I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I've had a lot of experience with guys who lie, guys who cheat, guys who play games and have manipulated me. I'm not saying that you are any of those things, but it's taught me quite a bit over the years, maybe even made me a little paranoid, definitely made me very jaded. I know I seem "tough" as you like to say, but as you can see, I have a pretty good reason for coming across that way. I definitely don't feel tough now. I just feel like shit.
I *want* to forgive you, in fact, I wish I could just forget all of this ever happened. I care about you more than I even realized at the time. But now it just seems like you're more concerned with finding out who said what and when, than actually confronting the issue and dealing with it.
I'm sorry if I was mean, and yelled or whatever the other night. I know I have a tendency to scare people off by intimidating them and shutting down. But that was not how I wanted that conversation to go. I was hoping you would have taken that opportunity to just explain everything to me, instead of getting all defensive and denying everything.
I'm not dumb, [Brazil]. I'm actually pretty smart. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. All this time you've been doing a lot of talking, and I've been doing a lot of listening, but I don't think you really learned all that much about me. So if you want to sit down and talk like rational adults, I'm all for that, but only if you agree to be 100% completely honest with me about everything. And of course, I will do the same. I won't judge you, or get mad about anything you tell me. We haven't been exclusive, and it was your prerogative to see other people. But I can't deal with lies, [Brazil]. That's where I have to draw the line, because how will I be able to trust you?? I haven't kept anything from you. And I feel like I've been really patient, and tried to understand your point of view, and the situation that you were in with Stephanie and just be supportive about everything. Have I not?
If you don't wanna talk, and you think this is just for the best, then that's fine. But if that's the case, then I think we should just cut off all communication. It will be easier that way.

Brazil:

Let me be very clear. I spent valentine's day alone. Mostly cause i had class that tuesday night. Second, because I did not feel comfortable enough spending valentine's with you cause i think that its a commitment by itself. For the record, yes, i was bummed that i was not with stephanie during that day. Just so you know, even if i wanted to, she was in Ohio doing training for her work. I know this cause she reached me every day while she was there.

The talks i have with her are mostly around this topic: She wants me but not as a boyfriend, and I always reply saying im not gonna be used again. It goes back and forth. there's a lot of shouting, finger pointing and very hurtful arguments. There was no sex, i wont be used like that again. You can believe this or not, but that is the truth.

IM not keeping anything from you Peyton. If i thought u were stupid i would have not seen you for all this time. i Also cant see this working anymore, not as long as i completely get over this devil that haunts me. I need time for myself.

I could never fall in love with anyone else, if i dont get over this first. Thats what i was trying to do. I was always attracted to you, and you made me laugh, you're beautiful, and you are funny too. It is reaching the point that im so anxious that im almost cracking up walking down the street. It is ridiculous how this affects me, idk if told u this before but Im even going to therapy because of it (please keep this between us).

I would be more than surprised if something between me and stephanie ever worked. I dont trust her, she has some very serious issues, and even though I tried helping, she has a problem and cant open up about shit. She will never be what i want her to be. Again, this is not your problem and I should not be bothering you with it.

Im not gonna go witch hunting here, to find out who told you this. All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time. It was an honest mistake, I was seriously trying, but I am all fucked inside. You deserve so much better than me, this is really bad timing and unfortunate.

Again, I am more than willing to talk to you at anytime as well, Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have. I just dont wanna hurt myself or anyone else anymore. It's been a really bad winter, and I cant wait till this bad period ends.

Me: you're being a bit vague. 
that is, it seems like you contradicted yourself a couple times, and i don't know what you actually mean

Brazil: what do u want to know?

Me: i want to know what you mean.
first you wrote "i Also cant see this working anymore" and then, "All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time" but then you said "Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have" which basically negates the first 2 things, so i'm just really confused
the only thing i know for certain is that you need to be alone for while
*a while


Brazil: what i was trying to say, is that yes I need to be alone for a while.

and

I dont want you to hate me forever, and think im a player, liar and cheater. You're the kind of person i want to keep close, even as just a friend (even if thats impossible for now)

I dont think im ready to give what you expect from me, aim towards a relationship

im not a scumbag

Me: i know you aren't

ready i mean

but i

am not going to just suddenly be your friend either

this isn't a business transaction

i mean...

Brazil: i dont think it is

Me: I don't know what you want me to say...
forgiveness is one thing, but an apology doesn't change the past. it doesn't undo the damage that's already been done

Brazil: this might be wrong time to say this. but I really really like you, and i respect you a lot. Do i like you more than as friends? Of course. I just dont think im ready to be dating anyone for now
and the last thing i want is to hurt you again, like i just did

Me:  you are where i was a little over a year ago

which is why i am so familiar with this situation
why do you think i ended up halfway across the country??

Brazil: what happened?

Me: it doesn't matter

Brazil: please tell me

Me: i don't really feel like it

Brazil: ok

Me: what difference would it make anyway?

you aren't ready to be with someone. you know it. and i know it.

but i am, or at least i was...

Brazil: true

Me: So that puts us on 2 different trajectories

Brazil: i agree

i just need to be able to fall in love again, but for that i need time

Me: so i think we should should just....go our own ways
love?! lol
don't count on it

Brazil: what?

Me: nevermind

Brazil: whats wrong with that?

Me: i guess you're not as incapable of moving on as you think you are

Brazil: im not saying ur in love with me, if that's what ur saying

Me: NO lol

thats not what i was saying

i'm saying that you still believe in falling in love, and assuming that, in having someone fall in love with you in return, you know, simultaneously

in my opinion, that doesn't happen in real life

Brazil: yeah, i believe in that

it happened to me

twice

Me: love is a word often used loosely

Brazil: to me love, is when you wnat to be wtih a person all the time, and would do anything for them

thats how i see it

Me: well, i don't really wanna talk about love

in fact, i think maybe we should just end this conversation before it gets...

i dunno

Brazil: weird? lol

i understand

well, if you ever feel like calling me, txting me , or talking to me, please do. Im never gonna shut you down, I just need some time for myself. Im sorry about everything, about this mess.

Me: i'm a little...emotionally unstable right now. i don't want to be held accountable for what i say.

Brazil: So am I. You're an incredible person Peyton.

Me: i hope you don't think i'm ok with this. nobody is skipping off into the sunset.

stop complimenting me

it doesn't matter what kind of person i am

in the end

does it?

Brazil: skipping to the sunset?

i didnt get that

Me: it's just an expression.

Brazil: well, alright. i hope u have a good night..

Me: right
i sure will

Brazil: what should i say? im not mr.happy here too ok? this sucks for both of us. i feel like a fucking asshole. i should just stop talkign now.... bye, sorry


God...I'd forgotten how much this hurts. How could I ever forget something like this?

What Do I Do??

You guys this is killing me. I'm a total mess. I've been crying and listening to Taylor Swift all day. When I left his place yesterday, which is the noise you hear at the end of the recording, he sent me a message, about 15 minutes later that said, "I don't know where all this is coming from, but i just want you to know i would not use you, and i was giving this a real shot. this sucks..."
I didn't respond at the time, because I was too upset. But I thought about everything, long and hard and around 3am, I wrote him back.

"Look, i heard that you went out with stephanie last weekend purely by coincidence. And i'm not going to tell you who, so don't bother asking. No one was trying to throw you under the bus. But you have NO IDEA how it felt to hear that... I seriously thought I could trust you, but I literally spent most of today second guessing everything you've ever said to me. Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of you being around, and really developing feelings for you and its like I really don't think you're being honest with me. What am I supposed to do [Brazil]?? I've been burned too many times. This fucking sucks for me a lot more than it sucks for you. That seriously hurt me. I just wish you have been honest with me about it. I've been very accommodating and understanding through all of this, but I'm tired of being your backup. I deserve better than that and you know it. Work your shit out with stephanie."

He never responded. How is possible for me to miss him so much already?? I know you guys all think he's a jerk, and I shouldn't let him explain himself, but I wanna talk to him so bad! He's on facebook chat right now and I'm just so tempted to reach out to him... But I don't know if it's a good idea. I'm just too emotional right now. ((Sigh))

The Break Up

This was really neurotic of me, I know. But it was a lot easier than trying to remember and write down an entire conversation. Voices have been changed.
I'm gonna go back to crying in the fetal position.

Endure

I'm going to see him in an hour. I will definitely post when I get home from work tonight, which probably won't be till about 5am, but by tomorrow we'll all know what happens. ((Sigh))
Also, I just wanna clarify something, because Warren did point this out to me last night, which definitely doesn't excuse his behavior (!!!) but, I think it is a valid point worth mentioning. And that is that he and I are not exclusive. Also, Stephanie did dump him back in the beginning of December, and I'm pretty sure they never officially got back together. He just referred to her as his gf in that conversation because obviously that girl didn't know anything about their history. So I guess Brazil was just trying to see if he could work things out with Stephanie, because she said she wanted him back. But of course, the fact still remains that he lied to me about it. And that's the bottom line. So I'm not going to be cutting him any slack. Wish me luck. :/

I see our fate, I see our past
And all the things that could not last
It’s heavy on these eyes, frozen as I hold this photograph
It’s all we’re left that’s of any worth
And it’s so much more than a thousand words
Now in this frame is our only way we can endure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow

I feel so...drained. I couldn't stop thinking about Brazil all night at work. At first I sort of felt....relieved. Liberated even. It was as if I'd been holding my breath all this time, and I was finally able to release it. The other shoe finally fucking dropped. ((Sigh)) Back to being independent, self-reliant old me again.
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?

He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))

My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."

And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...

he made me happy.

((Sigh))

I Stumbled Upon Something Bad...

I stayed with Brazil last night, everything was fine and dandy. We talked about stuff, mainly Stephanie, his ex. He said she keeps trying to contact him and it's bringing him down blablabla... I basically told him I was getting tired of hearing about Stephanie all the time, because I don't know what he wants me to do with this information! I mean there's nothing I can do about it. So how is that supposed to make me feel that he's constantly thinking about his ex, and getting all depressed over her? ((Sigh)) He said he was sorry, and that he's trying to get over her, but he can't just change his number, more blablabla.
So then this morning, he left early for work and I slept till like noon. When I got up, I went to his computer to check my email, facebook, etc. Well the browser opened automatically to his facebook, cuz he never signs out. And I saw a conversation open with some girl named Britney. And I saw the name Stephanie in that conversation, so I read it. Maybe it was against my better judgement, but guess what?? He apparently just broke up with her over the weekend!! Read below...

Britney: What's going on?

Brazil: broke up with the girl I was seeing this weekend :/

Britney: I didn't know you were seeing anyone. I'm so sorry. It just wasn't working out? What happened?

Brazil: it's a really long and sad story

Britney: Just tell me

Brazil: well i'm just heartbroken, I really fell for her, big time. I just feel used, and I am so angry, frustrated and sad

Britney: What did she do?

Brazil: Several things since I met her, but this weekend it reached the point where I had enough

Britney: What was the breaking point?

Brazil: this will be long so bear with me:

Britney: Ok

Brazil: So, she had to be away during valentine's day. She was doing training for her company in Ohio. Understandable, I had no problems with that at all.

Brazil: So we planned to celebrate our valentine's day on friday when she got back, i'd pick her up in the airport and we would have dinner afterwards

Brazil: i don't know if you know, but I don't have a car

Brazil: so I rented one, bought a nice card, bought a super nice gift (which i knew she really wanted already), made a reservation at this awesome restaurant in the burbs, I basically made sure she would have a great night once she got here

Britney: wow [Brazil], wow

Brazil: at first when she arrived, everything seemed to be fine, she seemed to be super happy to see me, she really enjoyed the gifts too, so far so good.

Brazil: Then at dinner, everything went fine, the food was great, we had wine, she enjoyed her meal, all good.

Brazil: then we drove back to her place, so we could spend the night together once we got there, she basically didn't even let me go up, saying she was too tired and wanted to be alone. 

Brazil: lets not forget she didn't give me shit for vday, just for the record. as soon as she left the car, i just could not believe what happened

Britney: oh boy

Brazil: then, the next day, she refused to answer the phone all day, completely ignoring me. That's when i said i had enough. She's done this several times before, so it was not like it was the first time.

Brazil: not to say that all the times i was at the hospital she did not come visit me once, one of the times she said she couldn't because she was having dinner with her girlfriends

Britney: Omg [Brazil], that would have been it for me right there

Brazil: so the dinner on friday, i was kinda giving it a last try, made sure i tried everything. i made sure i did everything as best as I could, so if something went wrong, i knew it would not have been my fault.

Brazil: and then, that shit happened, so I finally gave up

Britney: I'm sorry to hear that.

Yea, I'm sorry to hear that too, because I never want to see Brazil again. He fucking lied to me! After all that BULLSHIT about being honest, not matter what! He fucking lied. And what if he was sleeping with her?!? I feel like such a fool. I should have known better. He's young, he's not over his ex, wtf was I thinking!?? I know this is bad karma for reading a private conversation, but I guess it's better that I know. I just don't know what to do now. I mean I can't unlearn this information, and I can't pretend I don't know about it either. But how I can tell him I know?? What do I say to him?? And is it sad that there's some part of me that's hoping he'll have some sort of valiant explanation and everything will work out??

Oh yea, before I forget, guess who just sent me a friend request on facebook?? THE MODEL. Ughh.....

I Think I'm In Trouble...

You know what really sucks about dating?
That moment when you first realize how much you actually care about someone. When you realize that you need them. It's like losing a sense of independence. It's remembering that only a couple of months ago, you never had to rely on anyone but yourself. It's like having to use crutches when you used to be able to stand up on your own. And it's really fucking scary. Because if you lose those crutches, you have to learn to walk on your own all over again.

Baby Steps

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Quick Poll!

Alright quick poll:

So Brazil really loves blowjobs, duh, but I told him that that's a lot more personal for me (true!) and that I don't normally give BJ's unless I'm in a relationship. Mainly cuz I hate when I give them, and then the guy blows me off and I feel super used. I dunno why, but blowjobs make me feel that way WAY more than sex.
But I don't want him to lose interest either, so I've been thinking about giving him one, just to keep him intrigued. Good idea, or bad idea? Cuz I know that once I give him one, there's no going back...
Hurry I need answers!!!

Just A Normal Tuesday?

Well, Valentine's Day is coming to a close and I haven't heard from Brazil all day. I mean...on the one hand, I didn't really want to make a big deal out of today, and as far as days go, it was a swell day! Pretty much just a normal Tuesday.
But on the other hand, it would have been nice to at least get a text message from him. But nope! No contact whatsoever. ((Sigh))

Now what? Should I be worried, or not look into it at all?

What Should I Expect?

Things with Brazil and I have been going very well. Almost...too well? Lol maybe I'm just being weird, but I can't help but waiting for the other shoe to drop. He says he enjoys my company more and more every time he sees me, and when I'm busy with school, which is pretty often these days, he asks, "Well when am I gonna see you?" Lol. It's sweet! Although, one of my readers, Janelle, has brought up an interesting point in the comments. It doesn't really seem like we are taking it slow, so...what are we doing? I mean he's told me a couple times that he wants to go slow, but it doesn't seem like we are, so I don't know what that means. I think I'll ask him...
Anyway, Valentine's Day is coming up ((barf!)) and it's starting to make me nervous because I don't know what or if I should expect anything? I don't mean like gifts or anything, I never expect stuff like that. But I mean I don't know if he's gonna want to hang out, or just pretend V-Day doesn't exist? I just don't know!
What I do know is that this might be the most honest "relationship" (for lack of a better word) that I've ever been in. I don't have to worry about ever walking on eggshells, or saying the wrong thing to him because he doesn't play games with me! He tells me what he wants, and what he's thinking, and I do the same. But this situation is a little hairy...I don't want to bring up Valentine's Day to him, because then he's automatically going to think I want or expect something. But I don't wanna tell him like, "Oh, let's not celebrate Valentine's Day" either, because if he does want to do something, I don't wanna discourage him either! ((Sigh))

Ok he and I are having a facebook conversation right now (he's at work) about taking it slow, and he what he means by it. Lol. Here ya go:

Me: Hey are you busy? I have to ask you something.

Brazil: ask!


Me: well a while back you told me you wanted to take things slow, but I don't really feel like we are...do you?? lol. I guess I just wanna know what your definition of "take it slow" is.

Brazil: mmm 
Brazil: idk 
Brazil: lol

Me: lol well i don't know either!

Brazil: i guess we are. I mean, we're not seeing each other everyday... there are no big commitments made... we're kinda taking it day by day i'd say

Me: well no...but i don't see any one person EVERY DAY. except Jasper

Brazil: haha right


Me: hmmm
Me: well i'm happy with the way things are now, but if you meet someone else, i want to know. especially if you start seeing someone else, because...that would be weird.

Brazil: oh yeah, fair enough!
Brazil: of course id say
Brazil: i have lots of consideration for u
Brazil: to be quite honest, i feel like im getting to know u, and feeling the ground to see if we're compatible... i like what i see so far, thats all i can say
Brazil: meeting someone else its not on the agenda so far btw.. lol


Me: so how do you know if someone is compatible or not??

Brazil: time

Me: well yes, obviously, but i mean...how do you know? lol
Me: i feel like that's something i know right away. but your definitely of compatible might be different than mine

Brazil: i'll say this, im kinda of afraid of being mega committed right now, you know why, but at the same time im not going to go out and start seeing other people as if i was mega available, you know what i mean?
Brazil: im not that clueless
Brazil: lol

Me: You say "mega" alot. lol.


Brazil: cause its MEGA!!! :P

Me: lol you're ridiculous.
Me: ok so what you're saying is, you don't want to make a commitment to anyone, but you're not acting like you're available either
Me: am I right?




Brazil: im saying i dont want a huge commitment right now, Im still dealing with shit, and even though every day things get easier, and i get more light headed, Im still getting back to normal. Yes, im not gonna go out hooking up to anyone ramdomly if thats what ur asking
Brazil: right now, im going out with you, and If i ever felt interested or felt the need to see someone else, you'd be the first to know


So there you have it, my friends. Thoughts?

Someone To Take Care Of

While I'm still not really sure what I'm doing with Brazil in the long run, I think we've made some steps in the right direction. After I posted yesterday, he texted me, asking if I wanted to hang out before work, and he mentioned going to dinner, so that I wouldn't be hungry at 3 in the morning like on Friday night. :/ He really is a sweetheart. But I just couldn't stop thinking about the thing with his ex. So I sent him this...


Me: I've been thinking about everything you said. And I'm kind of...scared to keep doing what we're doing. I mean I understand what you're going through, almost all too well, which is why it makes me really nervous that you still have feelings for your ex. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to. I have to protect myself too, and I don't want to become attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable. I just don't want to be in a situation like that again, it never ends well for me. I'm not saying I don't want to keep seeing you, because I do, but I just feel like you should know where I'm at right now.


Then several minutes went by and I started to second guess myself saying that to him, and agonizing over what he must be thinking, and I started to feel like a real asshole. So I just curled up in bed and laid there for a while. Finally, he responded...


(Keep in mind he's foreign, so sometimes his diction is a little...different. Lol.)

Brazil: I mean it's fair enough. I would not say I'm emotionally unavailable, but I'm recovering from something, and I'm playing it very safe cause the last thing I want is the same thing to happen again. The feelings I have towards Stephanie are hate, and anger, they're not pretty. I just need time so it will all wash away. I'd love to keep seeing you, cause I enjoy being around you more with everytime we meet. I also understand you have to protect yourself. Anyway, I'm here and I'm willing.


Me: Willing to what?


Brazil: To see you, and give this a try. All I ask is for us to take our time, that's all. As I said, I'll always be honest, just like I was this morning.


Me: I understand playing it safe, I don't have any problems with you or the way you're handling things. It's just my past experiences have shaped me as well, and I've learned it's generally not a good idea to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship because there's too much hurt/frustration/residual feelings that can often lead to ups and downs and back and forths, and that's like...torture for me. I don't want to sit around wondering if the ex is just going to pop up out of nowhere and reenter the picture. It's happened to me before.
I appreciate you being honest with me, it's one of the things I really like about you, but it still puts me on my guard. I can't help it.


Brazil: I understand, even though it might not be beneficial for me, I won't lie cause I don't want to hurt anyone. But as I said, if I wanted to be with her now, I could. I don't think it's gonna happen. I'd rather have you respect me now, even though you might not want to see me as often, or as much as we were. It's not what I want, but I respect your position.


Me: I still want to hang out with you, I just think we should be more...normal.


Brazil: Lol ok. Cause we too weird, right? Haha I'll be home all afternoon as I said, and if you want to come by, the offer still stands.

After that I went on to explain that I just want us to spend more time getting to know each other outside of "My place or your place?" situations and we both basically came to the conclusion that we want the same things right now, but the future is still up in the air. So we're just gonna...go with it and see what happens.

After work last night, I crashed at his place, since it's close by. He did stay at my place on Friday night, so I guess I'm gonna let that situation slide...for now. He even bought cereal and milk! Just for me!! Because I was teasing him about never having any food at his place, and he knows how much I love breakfast. :)
This morning, he had to get up around 10 and go to band practice, but instead of waking me, he kissed the exposed side of my neck and told me to stay and sleep as long as I wanted. So when I finally got up this afternoon, I did a little cleaning up around his place for him. :) He literally just got home and found it a minute ago. Haha. After his band practice, he went over to a friends place to watch the Superbowl so I told him he'd find some surprises when he got home. I'll paste...


Brazil: Harry Potter takeover on my laptop?? Lol. 

I put a HP desktop background on his computer. Hehehe...

Me: Hahaha congratulations! You found surprise number 1!


Brazil: Ha!! My table is cleaned! :D

He literally had the most cluttered kitchen table I've ever seen in my life! It took me like an hour just to go through all the crap he had!!

Brazil: Temper Trap? Lol.

I downloaded their Conditions album and added it to his iTunes. Then I proceeded to listen to it while I did his dishes. Lol.


Brazil: Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :) ;)


Me: Lol yessss...there's just one more.


Brazil: DISHES!!! :D


Me: DINGDINGDINGDING!!! Lol, that's all of them, unless you want to count my subway sandwich that I forgot in your fridge. :(


Brazil: Thanks for doing that, it would have probably taken me ages to touch that table


Me: Lol I've never seen so many pill bottles in my life. Or unopened mail!! I left the trash in those bags on the chair, just in case you wanna look through them and check I didn't throw out anything you need.


Brazil: :P K, thanks, I'll go through it!

So clearly he needs to do some organizing. But I'm finding that sometimes, I like having someone to take care of.  :)

The Pros and Cons of Going Forward With Brazil

Cons:

He's shorter than me
He's still not completely over his ex-girlfriend
He never wants to come to my place, but he always expects me to go to his
He's not very nice to Jasper :/ I don't think he likes him very much (That is a BIG DEAL!!)
He's only 25
He never shuts up about blowjobs, cuz apparently they're his favorite thing in the world, and I pretty much hate giving them! Ugh...
I'm just not sure if he's someone I could settle down with, you know, for the long haul


Pros:

He's always honest with me
He's kind, and considerate
We both love music
He's really good in bed
I have fun with him
We have good conversation
I'm attracted to him
Sometimes I feel like I could see myself in a relationship with him


Sooooo that's my list. As of now. I could easily elaborate on any of those things, but I tried to keep it as simple as possible. Right now I'm just really second guessing everything, because this morning we were talking, and he was telling me the whole story about his really shitty past couple of months, which of course included stuff about his ex. And I asked him again if he has any feelings still for her, and he said he honestly probably does. But he also said that even though he sometimes wants to see her or talk to her, he knows that even if he went back with her that she would do the same thing to him again. So he doesn't want to get back with her, but I know he thinks about it! And he says he's been sort of depressed the last couple of months, but that when he's with me, he's able to forget all that stuff, because I make him happy. ((Sigh)) But I think I deserve more than that.
I just feel like maybe I should take a step back from him right now, until...until he's more emotionally available. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? UGh...I just, I have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, and don't know what to do!

((Sigh)) He's texting me right now, asking me what time I work tonight. I saw Matt last night, he guy I hooked up with on NYE. He came into the bar and literally acted like he didn't see me. We made eye contact! Then after he left, he texted me, "Hey I was just at your bar! Where were you?" as if he didn't know. Pathetic...
Guys suck.